Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Back again..

So, to ensure this journal actually works as a record for me, I must fill in the past few days.

Friday (Day 5), after very little sleep, was pretty average. I went to the Doctors regarding the depression and the fact that I dont feel well enough to get a job or forward my life in anyway. I have been reffered to a Gynacologist, and back for Psychiatric care and support. I have a choice regarding medication. I can try Progesterone, as I havent tried it before and some women find it helpful, but I am worried sick about putting more hormones into my body. It cant cope with the ones I've got!

Saturday and Sunday (Day 6 & 7) were busy, productive, and I felt a lot better. I had some energy, we cleared out the shed and did a whole array of other housey type jobs. I had one blip on Saturday around 3-4pm, and had a little freak out, about money this time, and the lack of it, and how I'm destined to live in a house we cant afford with dirty magnolia walls as we'll never have the money to make it nice.

Monday (Day 8), Mood was still good. I was still cleaning and doing odd jobs round the house. A friend was due to come from the USA, but for a reason still unknown to me, he didnt turn up. Obviously I am worried, but I have followed every route to try and contact him or find out whats happened to no avail. All I cant do is sit and wait for some news. I know he'll contact me when he can.

I think the change in plans buggered it up for me. I was hoping that with my friend here, I would have a distraction, company and someone to fill my time in the daytime with. Now he hasnt come, I am still where I was, only I have a sparkling clean house!

Yesterday (Tuesday - Day 9) I had a good day. Luke was off work, we had a huge late brunch with a mate, and watched kids videos! (it was pouring with rain all day and not worth going out for anything!) I felt tired, but still managed to cook two more meals (one in advance for today), visited a friend, and felt generally upbeat.

Today however... Day 10, and I find myself worring again about my future, my weight, my eating habits. Broke down in tears again on the phone, and was horrible to my eldest daughter again. Worried I'll never get myself out of all the habits that are no good for me. The fact is, I have to change all this, I simply HAVE to, or life isnt worth living.

I feel like a bad mother today. I was mean to my eldest before she went to school, even though I know she is nervous about going away with her Dad on hols this week, and I haven't given Fae much attention for a few days. Unfortunately, she's become addicted to videos, and is happy watching them, so that suits me when I am feeling crap. We have been out for a walk today, and I try to do 'something' with her everyday, but to me, it still doesnt feel like I'm doing enough with her.

Mind you, I never feel like I'm doing enough.

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