As Yule looms on the horizon, I feel the usual hopelessness of trying to 'have a lovely time' with the reality of no money, tiring family visits, and the kids off school for 2 weeks.
The antidepressants have seemed to kicked in. I'm generally feeling more stable, and my 'up' weeks are actually distiguishable from the down weeks at the moment.
2007 has been a year of changes. I knew it would be. I remember sitting on a friends sofa, early in January, saying how numerologically it was a '9' year, which meant a lot of things would come to an end, or reach completion. I knew some big things would happen this year, and they have.
Earlier this year, I lost 2 very close friends. Not through death or anything, nor did I acually misplace them or thier friendship, but for some reason, I knew I had to let them go. One male friend was taken away, our friendship ended suddenly. Confusion over feelings, my depression, and the desperate need to feel slightly normal meant that we were suspected of having an affair. The last time I saw him we were close friends... slightly confused about our feelings for each other, but friends despite whatever people may think. Losing his companionship was hard, and I felt so lonely. I'm not single. I suppose the way I'm talking makes me sound like I am, but I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years. This friend, was also my partners friend, but my partner is not exactly an advocate of forgiveness, prefering to hold grudges till the day he dies.
The other friend I lost, was my only spiritual friend. We'd spend hours talking about the universe, witchcraft, new age wierdy stuff, and our own amazing experiences She was the only person I could turn to, who would understand what I was raving on about, and who would never judge me. We have parted company before in out lives. We both had so much 'going on' that to continue our relationship was just too much. I feel like this is what has happened again, although part of it was due to the fact that I couldn't stand around and watch her mess up her life again by getting into alcohol and sleeping with married men.
I turned 30 this year, my partner just turned 23. Our relationship is very difficult, but I have realised that a lot has to do with the fact that I have no belief in love. I dont feel it, I dont believe in it. I dont think that anyone knows how to love someone healthily, and in all my relationships I feel trapped by expectations, by the supposed 'right' way to be. I feel smothered, restricted, and undervalued. The saddest thing is.. I dont believe I will ever find love. With my partner, or anyone.. I cant stand the world I live in, it all feels wrong, and there is nothing I can do about it. I say the word.. but I dont feel it.
This year also started with my mothers return from abroad. She got off the plane in January, with a suitcase and £10. She had left France behind, along with a man who she said she hated. We have tried to have a relationship, tried to make it work, but the reality is that I just dont have a place for her aymore. She has been out of my life so long (12 years), that to return now and try and be my mother is impossible. After 9 months of awkward meetings, and a false sense of progress, it became clear that I am not emotionally stable enough to deal with the cold icy wind of my mother. I have chosen to stay away, and try to focus on my life and keeping myself well.
to be continued...