Wednesday, 5 December 2007


As Yule looms on the horizon, I feel the usual hopelessness of trying to 'have a lovely time' with the reality of no money, tiring family visits, and the kids off school for 2 weeks.

The antidepressants have seemed to kicked in. I'm generally feeling more stable, and my 'up' weeks are actually distiguishable from the down weeks at the moment.

2007 has been a year of changes. I knew it would be. I remember sitting on a friends sofa, early in January, saying how numerologically it was a '9' year, which meant a lot of things would come to an end, or reach completion. I knew some big things would happen this year, and they have.

Earlier this year, I lost 2 very close friends. Not through death or anything, nor did I acually misplace them or thier friendship, but for some reason, I knew I had to let them go. One male friend was taken away, our friendship ended suddenly. Confusion over feelings, my depression, and the desperate need to feel slightly normal meant that we were suspected of having an affair. The last time I saw him we were close friends... slightly confused about our feelings for each other, but friends despite whatever people may think. Losing his companionship was hard, and I felt so lonely. I'm not single. I suppose the way I'm talking makes me sound like I am, but I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years. This friend, was also my partners friend, but my partner is not exactly an advocate of forgiveness, prefering to hold grudges till the day he dies.
The other friend I lost, was my only spiritual friend. We'd spend hours talking about the universe, witchcraft, new age wierdy stuff, and our own amazing experiences She was the only person I could turn to, who would understand what I was raving on about, and who would never judge me. We have parted company before in out lives. We both had so much 'going on' that to continue our relationship was just too much. I feel like this is what has happened again, although part of it was due to the fact that I couldn't stand around and watch her mess up her life again by getting into alcohol and sleeping with married men.

I turned 30 this year, my partner just turned 23. Our relationship is very difficult, but I have realised that a lot has to do with the fact that I have no belief in love. I dont feel it, I dont believe in it. I dont think that anyone knows how to love someone healthily, and in all my relationships I feel trapped by expectations, by the supposed 'right' way to be. I feel smothered, restricted, and undervalued. The saddest thing is.. I dont believe I will ever find love. With my partner, or anyone.. I cant stand the world I live in, it all feels wrong, and there is nothing I can do about it. I say the word.. but I dont feel it.

This year also started with my mothers return from abroad. She got off the plane in January, with a suitcase and £10. She had left France behind, along with a man who she said she hated. We have tried to have a relationship, tried to make it work, but the reality is that I just dont have a place for her aymore. She has been out of my life so long (12 years), that to return now and try and be my mother is impossible. After 9 months of awkward meetings, and a false sense of progress, it became clear that I am not emotionally stable enough to deal with the cold icy wind of my mother. I have chosen to stay away, and try to focus on my life and keeping myself well.

to be continued...


Debra Estep said...

Hello Cat,

I wanted to share something with
you that I wrote on my blog last year.
There are others out here on the web who are aware of the things you talk about...
You are NOT alone.

Deb in the USA


Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
(Khalil Gibran)

There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
(Carl G. Jung )

LIFE is indeed a great teacher, but until the time comes
that we awaken, we have NO hope of learning.

People are sent to cross our paths, you know the ones
who greatly PUSH our buttons.... they are sent
to wake us up. Yet sometimes we view them as an annoyance,
or a bad dream.

Asleep, some journey on, with a pack on our back. The pack is our
cares, our anger, our fears, our perceptions of past wrongs....
ALL things passed. Loaded we attempt to trudge forward, and
we are weighted as with a ton on our back.
We grasp at that pack and hold the whole of it ever so tight to our bodies.

The pack hurts, and at times parts of the past poke up and stick
in our bodies. Through the hurt of the pack we CHOOSE to see
doom and gloom...... But continue to laden it with MORE CRAP....

But one day........ something happens...
The "something" can be VERY good, OR VERY bad.... but
slowly...... your eyes open. Streaks of light and goodness shimmer in...
You have the awareness that you can at any moment set that pack DOWN
and journey onward....

This IS......
"breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding"

AND ........ with this understanding is pain.... Some pain, but you
are now aware, and you grasp the understanding that the pain
was all a learning to becoming awake.

You can not EVER grasp that pack and load it on your back again.

Once you start walking forward on your journey you realize
you have a lightness of ~spirit~ that you never ever had before....

With this awareness you want to SCREAM out to others, get that
damn pack off your back... Let me help you PULL that off,
but you know what.... quickly you come to the understanding that
you can NEVER help a person remove their pack.
They have to be the ones to wake up and remove the pack.

With apologizes and admittance of past wrongs toward another person,
and we can lighten their pack........ IF they choose to accept what we
are saying to them. If they choose not to accept an apology,
it is their pack STILL fully loaded.

So what CAN we do for others who are asleep........
Have you ever had a friend come up beside you and touch your
shoulder with loving kindness. Sometimes they have no words,
only a touch. Sometimes they have a word of support, showing
you the kindness of their ~Spirit~. Those are wake up nudges...

But some from the day they are born, until the day they die
carry that pack. They not only carry it, they have their hands
so tightly clenched around the straps it ain't never coming off.

That brings me to my favorite of quotes...

"I can not control another's actions, I can only control my reaction"

AND............ once awake, you can NEVER EVER pick up that pack again.

PS..... also remember...
"I am not better than anyone else here,
but I am a better person today than I was yesterday"

Debra Estep said...


I surfed to your site while
blog searching on the topic
of Soul Retrieval
and a book by Sandra Ingerman.

I'm not sure that you even had this posted at your site,
but I'm happy to have surfed
by your site.

Wishing you well...

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...