Thursday, 10 December 2009

24 days

24 days since my injection. I would love to say I'm feeling amazing, but it's far, far from that.

I'm finding it very hard to keep it together. My depression is worse. Add in a pinch of re-occuring red rage, that makes me want to smash everything in sight, and an ocean full of tears, and you have the past couple of weeks.
I am so low, I cant see the point in it anymore.

I have to have my second injection on monday. Talk about a rock and a hard place. If I stopped the Zoladex, I would go straight back to the way things were before. If I stay on it, I will get to see if this will work. The time between that however, is pretty shit. When I'm not wanting to smash things, break stuff, slam doors, punch walls or scratch myself, I'm trying to think of ways to leave. Ways to leave it all behind. Run away? suicide? drugs? I'm tearful all the time and cry at the drop of a hat. What happens if this doesnt work? what then?

It's 3.30am, and I went to bed at 11pm. I then spent 2 hours going boiling hot and then cold. Duvet on, duvet off. I felt the anger rising and just wanted to break something. Then I thought about getting in the car and just driving away. Trouble is, no matter what I do or where I go, I'm still messed up me. So, no point in going to bed, no point in waking up. All the things that once may have cheered me up no longer work. I'm losing sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, and think that maybe I should just stay in the tunnel and never come out.

I havent left the house much in 3 weeks. Issues about my weight, just add to my insecurity. I have had the most horrible spots break out all over my face, and a severe headache almost everyday.

My head cant deal with a menopause at 32. I cant deal with this. I just dont know what to do.....

1 comment:

SataNaya said...

holy goodness we must be twin like soul sisters. I am also going through early menopause at 32! Reading your pain, the wanting to leave the planet...and all the emotional turmoil around that. I want us both to be able to get on a plane to India!

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