Sunday, 14 November 2010

Christmas is coming...

I'm beginning to dread it already.  It just makes me sad and highlights everything that I dont have, and brings up bad memories from the past.
All the adverts about parties and family... getting dressed up and going out, visiting family, fun, happiness...
Facebook is full of photo's of other people having fun.  Why dont I feel that excitement?

Feeling sorry for myself today.  I'm frustrated by my thoughts, no-one understands.  Oh.. look at all those lovely party clothes, make-up, shoes.... I dont get invited out.  I guess friends have given up asking.  Who would blame them?  I have had invites in the past, to various things, but there's been many times when I cant go.  Either moods, or fear has got in the way.  I've missed so much in the past, and it just seperates me from everyone else even more.  My social life is dead, and Christmas just rubs it in my face.

I dont have lots of family to visit, and they rarely visit me.  Some things are just too difficult.  It's hard to put my emotions aside when they make me feel physically sick, and my head cant think about much else than everything I'm missing out on.  I'm hoping this year will be better than previous ones, but how can I stop the feelings coming up.. how do I ignore them?   I cant relax at the moment, I'm stressy and moody and have an overwhelming feeling of sadness.  I'm angry with myself, frustrated, and I feel stupid.  Another weekend written off, and another one closer to Christmas.

I feel lonely.  A loner...  I never wanted my life to be like this.  I always wanted to have lots of friends, be part of something, go out and have fun, but it hasnt ended up like that, and the opportunities dont come anymore.
It's my own fault, and I do realise that, but it doesnt stop it hurting, and it doesnt stop me wishing life was a bit more exciting.  Study, kids, housework, bills, moods... and repeat, over, and over again. 

I'd happily go to sleep now and wake up at the end of February.


Kristin said...

hi Cat. That post makes me feel sad for you, probably because I can relate to how you feel. I don't have a super busy social life either. Sometimes I've had plans to do things, then when the date comes, I don't feel up to going, mainly because of my hormones. And I'm not a huge fan of the holidays either. I'd rather just skip them altogether really.

I just found your blog, so I'm not aware of any treatment you may have tried. But do you exercise ever? I know that's helped me tremendously. Although I struggle to keep a regular workout schedule lately, I know I feel better when I follow through. And I know when you feel crummy the last thing you want to do is exercise, but it may be worth a try? (I have three dogs that force me to get out & walk!)

Anyway, when the negative feelings come up, I hope you try to change your focus to something good in your life (there's gotta be something good). I hope you start to feel better!


vixen spice said...

sadly, you pushed many of your friends away cat. those that would come and visit you, listen to you, try and break you away from the mania. what ever we do for you, its not enough.

sophie childs said...

Whoever Vixen Spice is? Unless you are suffering from PMDD or have read up about it i don't think that is a fair or knowledgeable response...just a very spiteful and negative one with no positive words??
Whether you know Cat or not you cannot creep into trying to know how someone is feeling on a day to day basis with PMDD! especially critise them for it!!
Real friends and family try and learn more and stick through everything as many times as they have to...where would we be if the people who have listened to us year after year go on just decided to pack up and leave the life of someone who needs them?
Also when i write a blog or a staus update it's for and i and everyone else know that's not my lifelong status it's just how you're feeling right at that let people write whatever negative nasties they want i think you're a much braver woman to be honest and open about your feelings...their are many who aren't and you are inspiring anyone with PMDD that they are not are a voice for many :)

And we all love you!
Surely all we can do is just try and be there for them.
Kirsten's response is caring and positive...that's more like it!

Pinky said...

I'm happy to have found your blog, doing a search on PMDD. I can SO relate to this post! I felt like this for several years: Only prayer, 300mg/day Wellbutrin and sheer WILL got me through my darkest days, which always coincided with the darkest days of the year. Probably a little Seasonal Affective Disorder there too.

This year it's so much better, probably because I made a decision to stick with the meds instead of going on and off of them.

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