Moods and Musings

Recognition from Nick Panay and NAPS

2012-01-30T21:01:00.000Z

I recieved an email today from Jackie Howe, the CEO of NAPS (The National Association of Pre-menstrual Syndrome) who has passed on the details of the 'Write to your MP' blog in a bulletin to all it's members.

To my surprise and delight, I have even been given personal recognition from Nick Panay... He wrote..

"Our thanks to Cat for her excellent initiative. It’s now up to all of us individually to ensure that we make a difference and ensure proper recognition of PMDD."

Nick Panay, NAPS Chairman and member of the ISPMD Panel (International Society for Premenstrual Disorders) working on the consensus, commented, “The work pioneered by Cat Stone is excellent as it will increase the head of pressure for the change we are hoping to implement through the ISPMD group.”

I am SO chuffed I feel like crying!! Wow... Just wow....

To read the full bulletin, please go here http://www.pms.org.uk/About+PMS/Bulletins/2012+Bulletins/January+2012/item1242/

So please.. if you were doubting or trying to decide if it's worth writing to your MP then don't!
It REALLY will make a difference, and the more ladies who write, the more pressure will be put on the WHO to listen to our needs. To have such an expert backing the cause is so reassuring. There is weight here, there are people in power and The Chairman of NAPS, Nick Panay, is supporting us all the way!

BE THE CHANGE!

To find out how to get involved, please read my previous blog http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.com/2012/01/be-change-get-involved-write-letter.html

BE THE CHANGE! GET INVOLVED! WRITE A LETTER!

2012-01-03T12:49:00.000Z

How could YOU make a difference to PMDDsufferers all around the globe?

Do you suffer anywhere on the spectrumfrom PMS to PMDD?

Do you have a friend or family memberwho suffers from PMS or PMDD?

Do you feel hopeless, like there is noway you can help or change things?

There IS a way you can help makelife better for women who have PMDD, and all it takes is a letter.

Whether you are a sufferer of PMDD or a concerned friend or familymember, you CAN help to make a difference.

During my recent research, I haverealised that everyone in the medical profession, ultimately refersback to what I see in my mind as a big HUGE book called TheInternational Classification of Diseases, or the ICD. It ispublished by the World Health Organisation (WHO). This started inthe 1850's as classifications of death and has been altered andrevised over the years to become what it is now...

From the WHO website

“WHO is the directing andcoordinating authority for health within the United Nations system.It is responsible for providing leadership on global health matters,shaping the health research agenda, setting norms and standards,articulating evidence-based policy options, providing technicalsupport to countries and monitoring and assessing health trends.”

This 'book' is revised roughly every15-20 years, and as new research is discovered, the book isconstantly updated and is available in it most current 'draft'edition. The next publication date is 2015 for ICD 11. (The currentedition, ICD 10, was published in 1990... just think about what haschanged since then.) PMDD is not classified in the ICD 10.

PMS islisted as a physical disorder – N94–3, ‘premenstrual tensionsyndrome’, under ‘Pain and other conditions associated withfemale genital organs and the menstrual cycle’ and there is norequirement for a minimum number of symptoms or for functionalimpairment to make the ICD–10 diagnosis of PMS.

PMDD is currently in the draft editionof ICD 11, and is described as follows within the section 'Diseasesof the Genitourinary System > Non-Inflammatory diseases of thefemale genital tract > Female pelvic pain associated with genitalorgans and menstrual cycle' :

"Severe form of premenstrualsyndrome considered as a distinct clinical entity, characterized byprominent symptoms of irritability, anger, internal tension,dysphoria and mood lability. Diagnosis requires a prospective symptomdiary documenting specific cyclic symptoms associated with the lutealand menstrual phases of the cycle, and evidence of socioeconomicdysfunction. "

Just because it has reached draftstage, it STILL doesn't mean it will make it into the next edition ofthe ICD. The ICD is mainly used in Europe as the standard textfor physicians, specialists, researchers, drug trials and more.

In America, illnesses are classified bythe DSM - Diagnostic and StatisticalManual of Mental Disorders, currentlyin it's 4^thtext revision. DSM 4 was published in 1994 by the APA – AmericanPsychiatric Association. This revision lists PMDD as ‘premenstrualdysphoric disorder’ in the section ‘Mood disorders not otherwisespecified’, with its clinical criteria laid out in Appendix B –‘For further study’. This is still not specific enough, andthere are currently proposals to give PMDD it's own classification inDSM 5. The 5^threvision of the manual is due out in 2013. The APA have a section ontheir website about the new proposals which you can find HERE. Thisproposes that PMDD has it's own placement within depressive disordersrather than be hidden in the appendix as it was in DSM4.

What will it mean if it goes intothe ICD 11 and DSM 5?

It will mean that doctors can't say “itdoesn't exist”, it means that it will be recognised in the medicalprofession as a very REAL and debilitating condition. It would meanthat more research could be done, more guidelines set out for doctorsto diagnose the disorder, better treatments and drug trials.

I can't resist sharing this, written bya member of one of my support groups, it sums most of our experiencesup brilliantly!

“Me: I have a problem with myhormones being out of balance.
Doctor: Really? Well take this pilland it will switch your hormones off altogether so you won’t haveto worry your pretty head about it. Shut the door on the way out willyou?
Me: I have a problem with myhormones being out of balance.
Doctor: Really? Well, take theseanti-depressants and you won’t have to worry your pretty head aboutit. Shut the door on the way out will you?
Me: I have a problem with myhormones being out of balance.
Doctor: Really, well CBT works forthat. Try that and you won’t have to worry your pretty head aboutit. Shut the door on the way out will you? Etc etc”

If PMDD was recognised in the same wayBi-polar is, for instance, it would change many women's lives. To bebelieved, to be understood, to be given real help and good soundadvice.

This in turn could lead to financialhelp for women who are so severely affected that they can't work. Ifit became recognised as a REAL disorder, it could possibly (in severecases) qualify as a disability, and then sufferers that can't workwould no longer face financial hardship as they could claim benefits. I know many sufferers who cannot make ends meet, who are trying tohold down two jobs while coping with PMDD, or who are on thebreadline with their children because they can't get disability help.

How do we ensure PMDD gets includedin these publications?

I wrote to my local MP, Steve Brine(Conservative for Winchester UK) to find out just that. Back in August, Iwent for a meeting with him to discuss the best way to raiseawareness within the government about this issue. He suggested that the BEST way to get this recognised is by writing toyour MP (Member of Parliament), MEP (Member of European Parliament)or Congressman. One letter from one person wont get much attention,but if lots of women write to their MP's and Congressmen about howimportant it is that this makes it into the next publications we havemore chance of being listened to.

This may sound like a scary thing todo, but it really isn't. Below, you will find links to 2 websites. One for the UK and one for the USA. Just type in your post or zipcode, and up will pop the name of the person you can write to. Theseelected officials are working FOR YOU. These people have access toinformation and people that we can't get access to. They can raisethis issue, they can get information, to the health ministers andultimately the organisations that compile and print these guides andmanuals. It's like sending a message up the chain of command. Ifyou really want to help make a difference, then please, write aletter and email it to your MP, MEP and Congressmen.

WRITETOTHEM.COM (UK)
WRITEYOURREPRESENTATIVE (USA)

If your MP or Congressman is female,then there is even more reason to write. Women need to be heard, andwe may find even more understanding and willingness to help if ourpoint of contacts are female politicians.

If you are in a different country i.e.not in the UK or USA, then please find out who your local governmentofficial is and write to them. I would love to be able to providethe same quick links to find out email addresses etc for everycountry, but that would be impossible for me... so have a little websearch and see if you can find a 'write to your MP' style website foryour country.

Your letter has to be unique... If youwish to print out this blog and INCLUDE it with your letter, pleasedo, but it will mean nothing unless you write your own story oropinion, in your own words. Maybe you'd just like to use this blogas a jumping off point, using the facts I've laid out here, butwhatever you do, write from your experience and your own viewpoint,and give your address... this needs to be from a REAL person, andREAL constituent. One letter printed out a thousand times isstill only one letter. If we all write based on our own personalneeds and situation, we will all be counted . Anonymousletters or letters without addresses may not be taken seriously.

If you aren't good at writing letters,ask someone to help you. It could take an hour, or maybe it's aprocess over a week, but a little bit of time an effort could go aLONG way. Then, when PMDD gets recognised in the ICD and DSM andwomen all over the world start getting the diagnosis and treatmentthey need, you can say... “I helped to do that!”

To help you get an idea of what towrite, I will share with you the letter I sent.... Please click here to see my letter.

(Remember, if you are in the USA, youcan bring up the revision to the DSM 5 that's due out in 2013 too.)

Obviously, myletter is quite long... That's because I enjoy writing, and willalways try and include lots of facts etc along with my own personalaccounts. Your letters don't have to be that long, or, they may belonger! Do whatever is right and comfortable for you.

Use this list toremind yourself what sort of details to include:

Your name andaddress

Why you are writing – are you a sufferer? Or a loved one of a sufferer?
Explain a little about the need for this disorder to go into the ICD and/or DSM – use facts from this email or print off this blog and refer to it in your letter.
What has your experience been with regard to getting diagnosed and treated?
How would it help you if PMDD became recognised and more widely known about?
How has the current 'non-recognition' of PMDD affected you?
How are you affected financially? Are you struggling to work and live with PMDD?
Are you a parent with PMDD who needs help and support but can't get any?

You may think yourletter will be like a needle in a haystack, that it wont changeanything so what's the point? But I suspect, if you are still readingthis, then you are at the very least, considering getting involved! One letter and a little bit of your time is all it could take to helppush PMDD from just being in the draft phase into the actual neweditions of the ICD an DSM.

IfPMDD doesn't make it into the 2015 edition of the InternationalClassification of Diseases (11^thedition) or the 2013 edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manualof Mental Disorders (5^threvision) then it could be up to another 15 YEARS before we get itadded and officially recognised.

Do you want to takethat chance?

Please leave a comment below if you plan on writing a letter to yourMP, MEP or Congressman, and as always feel free to let me know whatyou think of this post or blog... It is always lovely to hear frommy readers.

HAPPY WRITING!!

Cat x

Links of interest:

http://www.dsm5.org/proposedrevision/pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=484#- Proposed revision for PMDD in DSM 5

http://www.who.int/classifications/icd/en/- The ICD and WHO

***** UPDATE 30 January 2012 *****

I have had poor responses from MEP's who appear not be interested in anything apart from keeping seats within the European Parliament. It is more effective to target the MP/Congressman for your area, and raise your views with them.

I have heard back from a few women who have contacted their MP's and have had an excellent response. It is really worthwhile letting them know your views. Please let me know about your experiences.

Cat x

My letter to my MP

2012-01-03T12:38:00.000Z

Emailed August 2011

To Steve Brine,

I live in *********** in Winchester(****** **** ******). I'm a Mum of two and suffer from a chronic,disabling mood disorder called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Irun two facebook support groups for women all over the world whosuffer from this condition. I also write a blog about my disorder,which won an award last year for being in the top ten PMS blogs. www.meetmypmdd.blogspot.com

From all my research and reading,what comes to light is the complete nightmare any woman, where evershe lives in the world, to get diagnosed. It can take years for thepenny to drop that the mood swings and depression are cyclical withthe menstrual cycle. When that realisation is made, the woman hasoften already been living with the diagnosis of depression orBi-polar, and been receiving the wrong treatment.

I can speak from experience thatwhen you find out there is a name for what you go through every day,it is a huge relief, which is then followed by endless trips todifferent health professionals who quite literally don't know what todo with you. The GP referred me to mental health as my symptomsbrings on a dysphoric mood, depression, suicidal ideation. Themental health team say as it's hormonal you should see aGynaecologist, they try to help where they can, but essentially, youthen end up with a trip to the Gynaecologist with mental healthsymptoms and no one knows what they are doing! I could go on, but Idon't want to bore you with all the details.. not unless it was overa cup of tea!

What I have realised is that PMDD isnot recognised in the World Health Organization's - InternationalClassification of Diseases. I have heard many stories of doctors whotell their patients that PMDD doesn't exist, and this is justdevastating to a woman who has finally found (through sometimesmonths or years of research) a name for their illness. I did a storylast November in the Daily Echo about my condition, to try and helpraise awareness. So many women are out there suffering in silence,misunderstood, and so are their husbands, boyfriends, children andparents. That is if you are lucky enough to be able to keep hold ofyour relationships. One common theme is that many women findthemselves single their whole lives, too afraid to get intorelationships. Family relations can be equally difficult.

I have many things I want to do withmy life, but my focus is often pulled back to my disorder andtherefore, writing about it and raising awareness becomes something Ican do, to hopefully help other women. I would feel like my lifewasn't wasted to this disorder, and that I had managed to achievesomething despite the PMDD.

We need this disorder to berecognised in the ICD. On the WHO website, it says an 11th revisionis due out in 2015. If Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder were to beincluded in that book it would change the life of many many women. If it was finally recognised as a chronic mood disorder, women wouldbe able to get help quicker and GP's would know what treatmentguidelines to follow. To suffer with an illness that literally makesyou feel like you are completely insane on a monthly basis, and thenfind out that the name you have found for it isnt actually recognisedby anyone is truly devastating. It makes the long struggle to findtreatment that works for you, an extremely stressful, lonely and souldestroying journey.

PMDD often stops women from beingable to hold down employment, yet it is not recognised as a disablingcondition. Stress is a major factor in PMDD, and most suffers try toavoid any type of stress. Being a mother with PMDD is very hard, letalone trying to hold down a job as well. PMDD needs to be recognisedas a disabling condition.

If I had Bi-polar, people would bemore understanding, because they have heard of that, it exists, it islisted in the ICD. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is oftenmis-diagnosed as Bi-polar as the two conditions are similar. Themain difference is, a person suffering with Bi-polar, will haverelatively 'normal' periods of life between episodes of highs andlows. A woman with PMDD suffers on a monthly basis, often atovulation as well as menstruation. I was taken to hospital (for thesecond time) in an ambulance only 2 weeks ago with Mittelschmurz,agonising ovulation cramps. This means that when you have PMDD, youare plagued by symptoms all month long... if you are lucky, you get10 days when you feel normal. By normal I mean, you feel like theperson you are, you feel together and able to cope with life, smileand laugh even. The other 20 days are phases of mental and physicalsymptoms, and the constant management of these. Women with PMDD gothrough this nightmare 12 times a year, every year. I have had thiscondition since I was 13. I am now 34.

I hope, that you will be able tohelp raise this issue with the right people. This is a global issue,as well as a local one. Women are in desperate need of recognitionand help ALL over the world...

Thank you for your time, I hope tohear from you soon.

Many Regards
Cat Stone

I met Steve Brine in August 2011. He has since raised this issue with Anne Milton MP Parliamentary under Secretary for the Department of Health. Today I wrote to the WHO and my MEP's (Member of European Parliament). Look out for my next blog on how you can help get PMDD into the ICD and change the lives of sufferers world wide.

All it takes is a letter.

Happy New Year!

2011-12-31T21:34:00.002Z

Many blessings for 2012!

Thank you for all your support in 2011.
Wishing you all a very merry New Years Eve!

Keep on keeping on!

Cat xx

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan, 'press on' has solved, and always will solve, the problems of the human race."Calvin Coolidge

PMDD and Me

2011-12-21T19:54:00.000Z

Today, the Mind blog published a blog I wrote for them titled, PMDD and Me.

This is a really good step, as Mind currently do not cover PMDD in their list of disorders, nor have any leaflets about it. Ladies with PMDD need to speak up. They need to make 'the powers that be' aware of their existence, their struggles, their needs.

I hope this goes a little way towards making people listen to women with PMDD, and that women eventually get better support and help to living a better life.

You can find the blog here http://www.mind.org.uk/blog/6201_pmdd_and_me. Please share the link on Facebook or email...

Never stop passing on information and raising awareness, in whatever small way you can.

Cat x

Bring on 2012!

2011-12-12T19:27:00.000Z

This past month has been super busy.

Following a more spiritual path through my cycle, the benefits are amazing. I am getting through each month pretty well. Things still knock me off track, but I certainly don't feel as out of control as often, and I've had plenty of things to keep busy with.

My sister site - Natural Shaman, is becoming such a positive focus for my writing, and women's menstrual health. It's nice to be able to write and talk to all women, rather than just to one specific group. It leaves me to be very open on subject matter, and I need that right now.

I have just released a poster to help women begin to understand the energies that lie in different parts of their cycles. It is available through the link below and on the right. It's very exciting to have drawn an image that is now a poster, almost ready for sale! If you want to find a different way to see your menstrual cycle then start here!

If you would like to keep up with my writing, please subscribe to my Natural Shaman Blog. I may not cross post everything I write there, and I could use some extra followers!

Other news is that I was asked a while ago to write a blog on female mental health for Mind, the leading mental health charity for England and Wales. I have just heard that it will be published next week! Make sure you like Mind's page on Facebook or visit the Mind Blog. I will post the link here too, when it's available.

Busy times... Can't wait for 2012!

Something to ponder...

2011-11-16T11:07:00.001Z

Think back to when women lived in tribes, in huts, outside. In fact.. you don't always need to think back, there are places on the Earth where women still do.
Firstly, there is no sanitary products. You use rags. There are no toilets or running water. Women would come together in a moon lodge and sit to bleed together. They separate themselves because they are at their most powerful in a spiritual sense. They also separate themselves and stay in a safe place for practical reasons...

I read recently about a tale of a tribal woman, caught out, away from the village. She began bleeding. The smell of fresh blood brought wild animals. She is faced with an almost certain attack and death. She climbs a tree and uses her clothes to soak up the blood. She stays up the tree and waits....

What survival instinct is it that switches on our anger and fierceness? Makes us bitchy, crazed, raging, critical, powerful?

IF we are not safe and secure during our period, we may suffer the remnants of this ancestral survival instinct and fear for ourselves. In the wild, the smell of blood equals food for animals, women are vulnerable... We now over compensate for that vulnerability but making sure we scare off everything so we can be alone and safe...

It's like looking up at the Moon and stars and realising that our ancestors looked up at the same Moon. Every time we bleed, we connect to every woman that has ever gone before us, we all share the same experiences, and women, ONLY women are part of this club.

No man, no matter how strong, virile, amazing or good can bleed without dying, regularly, like a woman. No man can ever truly understand the wisdom found in bleeding.

Women are so sacred to this planet. ♥

Creating Menstrual Health Workshop with Alexandra Pope

2011-11-08T14:33:00.001Z

Last Saturday, I attended a workshoprun by Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer. The workshop wasabout 'creating menstrual health' and as I have been reading TheWomans Quest workbook for the past 8 months, It seemed like a goodopportunity to meet the author and other women who were alsointerested in the menstrual cycle's energies. I feel like I am aworld away from the state of mind I was in when I first contactedAlexandra... a plea from a desperate woman, to someone who might beable to understand what I was going through. We chatted via email, Idownloaded the thought provoking workbook, and joined her communitysite.

I was around day 18 of my cycle, soheading into unstable territory, so I arranged for my partner todrive me to Fulham in London and get me to the venue. I don't copeon trains and tubes very well, especially alone and in the secondhalf of my cycle.

The venue was beautiful. It lookedlike a converted church and had the most beautiful stained glass rosewindows. Everyone was welcoming and open. It is always a dauntingthought, meeting lots of strangers all in one go, but there was alovely energy in the room, and as women do when they get together..lots of chat and laughter. The whole building was beautiful, cleanand calming. As we moved into our work room, yet another stunningstained glass mandala faced me.

The day consisted of a lot of chat anddiscussion on the menstrual cycle and where we may have issues. Weexplored the similarities between out menstrual phases and theseasons experienced on the Earth. I am in my element withcorrespondences and symbols, and loved widening my thoughts andknowledge of this divine code.

Our inner Spring, is very similar toour outer spring. This 'Springtime' represents pre-ovulation, whenthe fog of our period lifts and our light and energy returns. Manyof us (PMDD sufferers) will call this 'one of our good weeks'. Wefeel like ourselves again, we have energy, we want to get on withlife again. There is an innocence about this time, and it is a timewe should spend nurturing our ideas and making plans. New shoots aregrowing, life is returning to the earth... and you.

Inner Summer relates to ovulation. TheSun is high in the sky and everything is fertile and blooming. Weare 'out there'. We can be social, we can enjoy life. It is a timefor manifestation. Another 'good week' for many, although this toocan bring a difficult time for some. If we are not fulfilling thethings we want (on the most basic bodily level this would be gettingpregnant), there becomes a fear of summer's end, of missing thechance, of the wheel turning all to quickly.

Inner Autumn is pre-menstruation and iswhen PMDD sufferers will hit the 'bad times'. Most will start losinga grip on reality during this season. The Earth is retreating,leaves are falling, the cold winds pick up. It is an unsettled andunstable season, flitting from late balmy sunny afternoons and brightcrisp mornings, to stretches of dull grey rainy days, storms and morerain. Our energy and flow begins to slow down, we get forgetful andeasy to enrage. Women with PMDD need to really try and understandthis season, and learn how to harvest it's fruits and develop andawareness of what is really going on inside them.

Our inner Winter is connected to ourmenstruation. Our whole month is connected to how well we bleed anddeal with our period. Just think to days gone by, when we had toharvest as much as we could all year to just survive the winter. Ifwe are careful and look after ourselves, we will reach the Spring. If we have been smart and resourceful, we may even reach Spring stillstrong and healthy, rather than starving and weak. If you allow thenatural need to retreat and hibernate, if you honour and listen towhat your body needs, if you get enough sleep and good food, you havethe potential to reach the Spring, empowered, full of anticipationrather than dis-empowered, full of guilt and stress.

There is much more I could say abouteach season, in fact, I could write a couple of posts on each one!!So I will leave that there for you to digest and contemplate. I amobviously describing a cycle, but everyone's cycle may be different. They will most certainly feel different things at different times andfor different reasons. Interpretation comes down to the individual,and you cannot forget the different life stories of each individualand their own reactions to each season. How do you feel about eachseason? Do you have favourites? How do you cope with each season?

As above, so below, As within, Aswithout – A Witches saying.

What goes on outside us, is often amirror to what is going on inside us. I'm sure it's no coincidencethat I have a hard time through my inner Winters, and also sufferfrom SAD during the outer Winter. Maybe if I learn how to love theinner Wintertime, I will also heal my SAD?

We followed a guided meditation spokenby Sjanie, and stopped periodically (through each season) to writeand draw down our visions. We discussed with partners ourexperiences and feelings.

We then got into groups and eachdiscussed a season. The rest of the day was unpacking all the wordswe had thought of to describe how we feel about each season. It wasvery enlightening and heart warming to hear other people's storiesand to feel so connected to other women. It was also re-assuring andexciting that other women understood these concepts and each andevery one of us felt that we all knew it anyway.

We have all hadthis potential, this inner knowledge, like a glimmering, ornate, goldbox full of our inner strength and power, full of the words of ourancestors and subconscious. Alexandra and Sjanie gave us all the keyto unlocking this magic box, and I'm sure that every woman there willbe sharing this knowledge with anyone who would care to listen formany years to come.

There is a revelation to be had inexploring these ideas, there is a REVOLUTION to be had by everywoman, to educate, to share the knowledge, to break down all thestigma and hatred that has been pointed at our menstrual cycles. Toreclaim our menstruation as our sacred time, to be allowed to becomewhole, rather than living the half life we are all supposed to livebecause it is socially acceptable. As a woman, I will demandrespect, from myself and others during my bleed. It is a magicalthing to bleed as we do every month. We get a new chance every monthto heal and learn and understand ourselves.

If you are interested in The Woman'sQuest and Alexandra Pope's and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer's work, please visit these websites:

http://www.womensquest.org/Home/Index

http://www.wildgenie.com/

My Healing Journey

2011-11-08T12:19:00.004Z

It's been a long time coming, but Ifinally feel like I am really figuring out the root causes of myPMDD. I have always believed that illness is as much in the mind asit is in the body, and PMDD is very much a disorder that can start inthe body and create a difference in the mind... HOWEVER... it wouldthen be just as possible for the illness to start in the mind andmanifest itself in the body.

I am now 34, and since being diagnosedat the age of 27 I have tried every medication offered to me. I havedabbled with many different alternative therapies, and I now findmyself out of options in the traditional sense.

Along my path I have used:

Prozac, citalopram, valium, zoladex,lithuim, copper coil, Mirena coil, St Johns wort, 5HTP, Quiet lifetablets, rescue remedy, evening primrose oil, starflower oil,homeopathy, yoga, counselling, art therapy, aromatherapy, vitamins,B6, zinc, magnesium, cod liver oil, meditation, 5Rhythms dance,massage nutrition and exercise.

The past 18 months has brought aboutmassive changes in my life. My home life has changed dramaticallyfrom one of pure hell and stress, to one that is supportive and muchless stressful. My children are now that much bit older, and at 6and 13 are at school and able to do a lot more for themselves. Ihave an understanding and loving partner, and a wonderful dog thatgets me out of the house even when I don't really want to go out!

I have been medication free since July2010 apart from a Mirena coil, which I then had taken out thisAugust. I currently regularly take evening primrose and starfloweroil capsules, hormonal balance vitamins and rescue remedy. I watchwhat I eat (but there is room for improvement) and exerciseregularly.

I am 4 cycles into my medication andsynthetic hormone free life, and I can honestly say I feel much morein control of my PMDD. The journey I have been on, has made meappreciate what it feels like to be free of all medications andhormonal treatments. I still have the odd crazy moment, or feeldepressed and hopeless, but I am learning new ways to deal with thesetimes AND on how to view my whole cycle. I am learning that these are different states of mind and being, and I need to change the way I am in the world to use these changes effectively.

For the past 8 months, I have beenfollowing information and advice given in The Woman's Quest byAlexandra Pope. I have also delved into deeper research and study onfemale shamanism and the energy of the menstrual cycle. LastSaturday I met Alexandra during a 'Creating Menstrual Health'workshop she was holding in London. I had a really enlighteningtime....

On a spiritual level, I would describemy PMDD experience as having a spiritual death and rebirth everymonth. Just like a Shaman when they go on an inner vision journey,when they perform soul healing on their clients. This then got methinking. What if the distress I was experiencing was because I washaving a shamanic experience. What if, I am so sensitive to thepsychological changes that I am actually symbolically going through adeath and rebirth every month? Once I saw it this way, I wanted toembrace those times and see what I could learn from them. Women were the original Shaman, with awesome changes flooding her body every month. Changes to be respected and honored.

I am now learning to ride the wave. Touse the different qualities I have throughout the month to benefitme, rather than hinder me. When you begin to work WITH your cyclesenergy, you uncover something magical and empowering. I am nowexcited to be blessed with having periods, and every one that comes,I learn something new. I still have some degree of fear regardingthe dark times, and I also have a new fear, of how I begin to live mylife when I have been so ill for so long. I am having counsellingagain and working on my shamanic and spiritual practice

I am reminding myself that healing is along process, that nothing is set in stone, and that the only way tokeep on getting better is to keep on learning about myself andTRUSTING that I know what is best for myself.

I no longer hate being a woman, I nolonger fear my period.

You would not have heard me say that 2years ago. For over 10 years I hated being a woman, I hated mybleed, I couldn't understand what I had done wrong, why was I beingpunished? I didn't understand. Despite studying and practisingPaganism and The Craft (all Goddess walks of life) for many years, Istill had a block and fear regarding my own feminine self and mycycle. I think I was desperately trying to find a connection to thefeminine, to the Goddess, as my own natural connection had beensevered. All I have to do is re-learn and re-connect to my bleeding time, to my natural rhythm. When I stopped my spiritual practice, Ibecame more ill. Disconnected from the source.

I am now actively honoring my cycle,my inner divine feminine. I am learning shaman techniques forworking with 'other worlds' or my subconscious self, and I feel theinner strength again, I feel the reassurance that this is the rightpath for me. I have been lost for so long, and now I feel I amwalking with the flow, I am learning better ways of dealing withmyself, looking after myself and how to get support from those aroundme.

The future doesn't look bleak any more, It looks exciting. Every cycle is a new chance to learn and change, and I want to makethe most of it.

A big THANK-YOU...

2011-11-07T09:43:00.004Z

.. to everyone that has visited my site. Mood and Musings has now reached over 9000 page views!

Please continue to visit often, pass on the link and share with others who may be interested. Maybe I can hit 10,000 by Christmas!

The most popular articles have been:

What is PMDD? - http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.com/2011/10/what-is-pmdd.html
What is Dysphoria? - http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/what-is-dysphoria.html

Mood Charts and Tracking - http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.com/2011/07/mood-charts-and-tracking-symptoms_17.html

Mandalas - A tool for coping with PMDD - http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.com/2011/03/colouring-mandalas-tool-for-coping-with.html
A PMDD Crisis Guide - http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.com/2011/01/pmdd-crisis-guide.html

With lots of love

Cat xx

Happy Celtic New Year!

2011-11-01T13:22:00.001Z

It's the 1^st of November,and the start of the Celtic New Year. Pagans celebrate this with thefestival of Samhain, a time to honour our ancestors and bloodlines. It's a time for reflection and thought, a time to be still and listento the insights we are being given.

It is also a good time to evaluate thepast year, look towards the coming year and make plans.

It's been a while since I updated thisblog about my personal life. My writing has been focused on creatingarticles and sharing my personal views and ideas, so I will now, takethe chance to look back over the past year and share a little abouthow 2011 has been for me.

Last November, I shared my story withthe local newspaper. This was a massive event for me, as to open upmy life to the public was very scary! The reality was that, no-onerecognised me in the street, I wasn't judged by the whole world, andlife carried on as normal!

After the story came out, I started aprivate online Facebook support group, which grew steadily and provedto be a successful way for women to chat to other sufferers and findsupport, advice and friendship. Current membership is around 70women. I also admin the PMDD-Community page, whose 'likers' nowstand at over 500.

I had hoped to go on national TV withmy story, however, the slot they wanted me to fill was right in themiddle of January. Possibly the worst time for me as I suffer withSAD too, so I had to cancel. I am hoping it may happen in thefuture, when I feel strong and well enough to actually go ontelevision!

One of the biggest challenges for methis year has been my relationship. As all women with PMDD will tellyou, having and keeping a relationship is one of the hardest things to do. My partner and I have had another rocky year, splittingup and getting back together, but neither of us have given up yet,and hopefully 2012 will be a much better year for us (what was that?Wedding bells? Haha.. fingers crossed!)

The success of the support group meantthat I had a steady flow of women requesting to join. The groupswork because they are small, so a second group was created, to allowmore women to have a sanctuary to visit everyday. I now have anothergroup of over 60 women, all happily chatting and helping each otherthrough the difficult times.

My desire to raise the awareness ofPMDD has continued, and I wrote to and met with my MP in the summerto discuss how PMDD can become more recognised and how we could makesure it become a recognised disorder by the World HealthOrganisation. This is still a work in progress, and as you canunderstand, only being able to work on these things during my 'good'times means it's slow going. I will be sharing a blog post with moredetails soon. I have not stopped trying and will continue to raisethese issues with ANYONE I feel can help to educate and lift theprofile of PMDD.

I also became completely medicationfree this year! After all my negative experiences with prescriptionmedications, I had cleared all but the Mirena coil from my being. InAugust, after many months of suffering agonising cramps at ovulationand menstruation I had the Mirena coil removed. Not one medicalprofessional would even consider it was the coil giving me so muchpain, even suggesting that I must have an STI, rather than admit thecoil was playing a part in my trips to A&E in agonising pain. All STI tests, obviously came back clear and I have had relativelypain free periods since it's removal. It also made me realise it washaving a massive effect on my feelings and moods. So I am verypleased to now be completely med free, and still surviving!

More recent achievements have been tostart another new group on Facebook that solely focuses on thenatural healing methods for PMDD and some exciting breakthrough'swith a couple of larger UK charity organisations.

Wellbeing for Women, a charity thathelps to fund women's research, will be featuring my story on theirwebsite in the next few months, which may also then go on to otherpublications in the UK, and the best news is that I have been askedby MIND, the UK's biggest mental health charity to be a guest bloggerand start a discussion about PMDD. I am hoping they are alsoconsidering including it on their list of disorders on their websiteand producing an information leaflet!

Seemingly small steps, but ones I hopewill help to change the awareness of this disorder for all women, toallow more research, better diagnosis and treatments. I have manymore plans, and will never stop standing on my soap box on behalf ofall the women still too unwell to do it themselves.

Love to all my readers!

Merry Samhain and a Happy New Year!

PMDD-Community Page -http://www.facebook.com/pages/PMDD-Community/144345554824
PMDDSupport Group -http://www.facebook.com/groups/pmddsupportgroup/
PMDDSupport Group 2 - http://www.facebook.com/groups/244763498872960/

Natural and Alternative Healing for PMDDPage - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Natural-and-Alternative-Healing-for-PMDD/307325192627145

Wellbeing for Women - http://www.wellbeingofwomen.org.uk/

Mind - http://www.mind.org.uk/

Facebook - A REALITY CHECK!!

2011-10-11T23:42:00.000+01:00

Some thoughts on PMDD and Facebook....

So, those of you in their 30's, like me, remember the internet growing from an amazing idea that 'one day, everyone could have the internet in their own home', to what now seems to be something that's integral to everyone's day to day life.

I remember getting the internet for the first time. I was living with my husband and had just had my first child. In those days, I would email occasionally, download free screensavers and visit the odd website. Looking back, the internet then was like one of those huge shopping centres that open up. Full of potential, but only half the shops are occupied and going there feels like a waste of time.

Over the years, I have become more hooked, and have blogged on various sites, attempted to build and run websites and participated on online forums. Before Facebook, I would use chat rooms to meet new people online... The net then, was still quite a lonely place to be unless you had lots of real life friends online too.

After my marriage ended at the ripe old age of 25, I found myself tied to the house with a 3 year old. There was no company, not much of a social life, so blogging, chatting and uploading my artwork to various sites kept me busy. The internet became my friend, my outlet and 'hobby'.

Then came Facebook.

I was a late joiner and an even later user. I sat on Facebook not knowing what to do for about a year.... I found a few school friends, and it was nice to get in touch, but there was a reason you lost touch with around 90% of your school mates in the first place. You make friends at school because you are stuck there with them everyday.. they may live near you and share the same bus. It doesn't mean you will actually really get on that well, like them, or want to stay in touch for the rest of your lives. For some, revisiting the old school days can bring up painful emotions and memories you'd rather not be reminding of.

I was considering deleting my profile but then I searched for my half brother who I'd only ever met once, and I found him! It was through meeting my half brother and sister on Facebook that I became a fan. It was my window into their world, it was a way of staying in contact. I had a reason to stay on Facebook!

I've never been very good at staying in touch. The PMDD means there are a whole other bag of issues surrounding trust and friendships. And lets face it, before email and Facebook, how many letters did you write to stay in touch with people?

How often did you use the phone to call up random people from your past? It all requires effort, and nowadays Facebook is the laziest option.

As a sufferer of PMDD, I was then faced with all sorts of new emotions to deal with.

I had experienced similar stuff before as a member of a busy online forum. Sometimes people would say horrible stuff, or delete you, and you are left with a weird mixture of emotions over someone you don't even know in the real world. On Facebook, this is even more prevalent.

PMDD does crazy things to your mind and perceptions. What 'normal' clear headed 'you' would shrug off, the PMDD'ing 'you', feels, like a stab in the heart. Someone deletes your friendship, deletes a comment, argues or even worse.. blocks you... it can cause a premenstrual mind to implode with all manner of negative feeling and thoughts.... then the paranoia and awkwardness sets in... do I ask why? Should I contact them? They must hate me.. I'm so horrible... etc

Facebook does provide a shoutbox to the world, and this is mostly, a good thing. Unfortunately though, during PMDD rages, outbursts or breakdowns, it can be a volatile place to be. Status messages, so commonly cause a whole string of issues. In the dysphoric PMDD state, you may post something really out of order, you may even know it's out of order, but, something pushes you to do it anyway.. YOU DONT CARE... it's gotta be said... I want everyone to know... whatever...

We then have to deal with comments back. In a PMDD rage, sometimes kind comments will enrage you further (depending on who they come from), negative comments will make you feel like crap, and some people (like other PMDD or depression sufferers you have in your friends list) might even encourage you to feel worse by joining in with your misery... None of which are beneficial to you calming down and riding the wave till the feeling subsides, in fact, all it does is aggravate the situations.

Before Facebook, addressing the world like this would not have even been possible!

You will cause yourself more pain and stress if you use Facebook statuses to share your woe's. How many people in your friends list really care? How many do you know in real life? How many do you actually really like and want to always keep in your life?

When I feel I am about to write something that is unnecessary, I will sit for a moment and consider what it says.. is it directed at someone? If it is, that's not fair... If it's something really negative.. do people really need to see it? All you are doing is perpetuating the feeling, or even worse, lighting a firework that might blow at any point, and probably up in your face, leaving you feeling really stupid, hurt, and guilty.

You are better off writing it all out and posting it to a support group, or direct to one of your more trusted friends. Striking up a conversation with someone, asking for help or sharing is far more productive then moaning to a crowd... of which only a few are even listening..

If you desperately want to post how bad you are feeling to the world, then have a little image search first.. find a picture that describes how you feel, a photograph, a drawing.. maybe you might find a quote that sums it up, or words from a poem. Share in it a different form. Help it evolve from raw, angry destructive emotion into something more beautiful and creative. Post a video of a song that describes the feeling...

Facebook is a great thing.. but you HAVE to look after yourselves. If Facebook becomes a source of more angst and problems, then it's time to get a reality check. If you can't use it without freaking out, getting upset, destroying relationships and friendships then take a break.

If it causes you to spiral into negative thinking patterns about how unpopular you are, how much everyone hates you, how useless you are etc, then get the hell off the net and go take a walk, have a bath and bring your focus back to your real life, your real friends and family and well.. REALITY!!

We never had Facebook before... we never had to see what the girl who sat next to us in maths wore on her wedding day, we've never had hundreds of peoples lives there, in front of us, for us to compare to, scrutinise, and be jealous of. The fact that we let Facebook become such a source of emotion is worrying, and if you suffer with mental health problems, it can bring up a minefield of negative emotions. We have to be in control. No-one can monitor our use but us. No-one can turn off the computer for you and make you do something else instead. You have to take responsibility. If you are having a really bad time, and Facebook starts upsetting you... then recognise that, recognise that NOW is not a good time to be logged in. Take a break for a bit.. visit some other websites... move away from social interaction when you know there's a storm brewing.

I'm sure, most women with PMDD will know the feeling of hitting a friend with a statement that you know is gonna cause trouble. You have to remember that our bolts out of the blue, of our truth at that moment is usually a shock to others and they will obviously react accordingly (unless they REALLY know you). We are then left with a mess to clear up, or a ruined friendship and feelings of being a horrible human being.... The easiest way to avoid this, is to avoid Facebook at this time, at least, avoid posting negative status messages and learn some restraint and control when you want to share a negative state of feeling. Be creative!

Here's a little thought for you...

What if the plug to the internet was pulled tomorrow? What if you woke up and the net wasn't there? What if there was NO FACEBOOK?!!

Who would you share with? Who would you go to to talk with? What would you do with yourself?

It's good to spend time in real life! Facebook is a virtual reality... It has it's benefits, and can be a source of fun and entertainment, but it isnt REAL. It's a cyberworld of people, most of whom you haven't met, and full of unreal situations and stressors.

Look after yourself, don't let the PMDD ruin things just because the platform exists to do so. Switch off the laptop and go somewhere nice... visit someone local, bake, walk... create, spend your time differently when you feel crap... you can always take photo's of your journeys and creations and upload them when you feel better! I mean.. if it really did happen, if for what ever reason we lost our internet world tomorrow, what would you have? Who would you have?

It's good to keep a foot in the 'real world'. Pretend the internet doesn't exist for a day!

What is PMDD?

2011-10-10T14:17:00.000+01:00

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder affects only 3-8% of women. It is a severe form of Premenstrual Syndrome or PMS. Almost all women suffer some kind of symptoms when their menstrual period is due. They may become snappy and grumpy, they may deal with cramps, backache or tender breasts, however, PMS sufferers can manage these symptoms effectively and their lives are not disrupted by their menstrual period.

PMDD sufferers experience many if not all possible physical symptoms, but the distinguishing factor of PMDD is the extreme swings in mood and how they feel about themselves and others.

PMDD is a cyclical disorder. It will affect a woman every single month. Most ladies with PMDD will experience physical discomfort and emotional changes that begin around a week before their period, lasting till bleeding commences. However, due to being sensitive to hormone changes, some women experience symptoms during the ovulatory phase of their cycle too.

It is thought that a women with PMDD is more sensitive to the body's naturally changing hormones. It is also thought that these changes can bring about a drop in serotonin in the brain, which can cause a number of unpleasant symptoms. Serotonin is the body's natural feel good hormones, and many PMDD sufferers experience symptoms of low serotonin.

Physical changes and symptoms can include the following:

Abdominal cramps, period pain, backache, hip pain, tender breasts, nausea and sickness, lethargy, fatigue, insomnia, changes in appetite, sensitivity to sound and smell, headaches, memory loss, bloating, loss or boost to libido and weight gain.

Emotional changes and symptoms can include:

Markedly depressed mood, feelings of hopelessness, heightened anxiety, increased tension, sudden shifts in mood, tearfulness, overly sensitive, persistent angry or irritable outbursts, increased personal conflicts, frustration, panic attacks, persecutory delusions, racing thoughts, feeling overwhelmed or out of control, indecisiveness, and confusion.

Lifestyle changes:

Loss of interest in usual activities, unable to think clearly to make simple decisions, cancelling outings or events, hiding indoors and avoiding contact with others, damaging relationships via texts, online or verbally, losing friends, being unable to cope with usual tasks or requests, difficulty in keeping employment, difficulty focusing on studies or work.

An important note on Dysphoria.

PMDD is distinguished from PMS by the use of the word dysphoric. PMDD sufferers often describe their symptoms as a feeling of 'going mad' or 'going insane'. They feel out of control of their emotions and find their minds full of racing negative thoughts. Some say it feels like being possessed and many women will describe themselves as Jekyll and Hyde.

The dysphoria element is often overlooked yet is one of the hardest things for a woman to deal with. For a certain amount of days or weeks out of the month right before their period and/or around ovulation, a PMDD sufferer will experience a complete shift and change in being.

Dysphoric states bring about a complete change in perception for the sufferer. They may believe they are being persecuted in some way. That friends and family are fed up with them and dislike them. They may feel panic over not being believed or understood. They feel a great amount of frustration that despite whatever attempts they made during the rest of the month to 'help themselves get better' the feelings and depression are back, with full force and they are yet again caught up in the whirlwind of dysphoria.

A women with PMDD is faced with an eternal cycle of symptoms. The PMDD 'episodes' or 'states of dysphoria' will turn up without fail every month. The only thing that seems to change is the severity. Some months will pass without too much damage to relationships, work or the self, but other months will be explosive and destructive, to the sufferer and those around them.

How do you know if it's PMDD and not something else like depression?

PMDD is characterised by is cyclical nature and the fact that for at least 7-10 days of the month between periods, the woman has no symptoms. They are, for want of a better word, 'normal'. Many women call this their 'good' days or 'up' time. They can maintain relationships, cope with life, home, kids, and work. They are confident, happy and organised. They feel normal, stable and able to cope. They can go out and socialise, answer the phone and participate online. They have a clarity of mind to know what they want and can make decisions again. It really is like a black cloud has lifted and they are able to function normally again.

Depression will not lift in this way. If you suffer from depression, every day is a 'down' day or 'downtime'. PMDD sufferers may experience depression during their 'down' days, but it is a feeling that always lifts, and relief is found.

PMDD is often misdiagnosed as bi-polar disorder due to the extreme changes in mood. Bi-polar sufferers may suffer a couple of episodes a year of extreme up's or downs. These episodes can last months, but when the Bi-polar sufferer becomes stable again they are able to maintain a 'normal' life, sometimes for months, between episodes. The closest form of Bi-polar to PMDD is rapid-cycling Bi-polar, where the diagnosis is for 4 or more episodes in a year. PMDD sufferers don't get a few months between down times, they suffer every month, 12 times a year, double that if they are affected at ovulation as well.

If there is underlying depression or mental health problems, you may then experience PME, Premenstrual Exacerbation. This is a worsening of your current condition due to and during the changes in the menstrual cycle.

Basically, if you feel fine for at least 7-10 days of the month and you have no symptoms, no mood swings, no negative effects to your life, yet a week before menstruation you sink into a depression, find your self anxious and unable to leave the house, or angry with volatile outbursts, then you are probably suffering PMDD. PMDD will lift once your period starts. Some ladies will get relief right from day 1, where as some will find the black cloud lifts on day 5 or 6. One thing is for sure, all the crazy feelings and emotions will pass, and most women just hang on for dear life until their period has ended and they are back into a couple of weeks of feeling stable and happy.

I think I have PMDD, how do I get my doctor to give me a diagnosis?

For PMDD to be diagnosed, you will need to be experiencing at least 5 of the above symptoms every month. They may not always be the same symptoms every month, but currently, the diagnosis is for a combination of at least 5 symptoms. These symptoms have to be extreme enough to interfere significantly with daily life, work, relationships, studies or social activities.

You will need to chart your symptoms for at least 2 months. Charting means keeping a track of all your symptoms throughout the month to build up a picture of your up and down times. If you have PMDD you will be able to see an obvious rise in symptoms during the last part of your cycle, and maybe at ovulation.

You can find mood charts online that you can download and print off. Some websites allow you to track symptoms online, and there are many iPhone and Android apps for keeping track of your cycle. How ever you do it, make sure you can take an actually paper copy in with you to your GP. For me, printing off a chart and filling it in worked better. Simple and not usually anything more that colouring in or ticking boxes.

Visit your GP, and take along some print outs about PMDD. There are many GP's who have still never heard of PMDD. That doesn't mean that they wont want to help, so it's always worth helping your doctor get you the right diagnosis. Start a chart as soon as you can, as you will need 2-3 months worth for your doctor to diagnose you correctly.

Have a look through the links on this blog.. there is lots of information here to get you started.

World Mental Health Day

2011-10-10T14:05:00.001+01:00

Today!!

Take a moment to check out Mind's website and Time to Change....

Get educated...

PMS AWARENESS WEEK - THIS WEEK!

2011-09-27T12:43:00.003+01:00

This week is PMS AWARENESS WEEK!
Run by NAPS - The National Association for Premenstrual Syndrome, PMS Awareness Week is held to try and bring PMS into the media and into discussion.

This morning, Bo, from PMS Warrior Blog, appeared on a national breakfast show called Daybreak.
You can see the video here http://www.itv.com/lorraine/health/pms-awareness-week/

While PMS is a much more general condition and not as severe as PMDD, it is necessary to raise awareness. PMS is a woman's first point of call when she realises there is a cyclical nature to her problems and mood changes. NAPS is the only organisation in the world that tries to give information, support and a voice to sufferers of PMS and PMDD.

Please feel free to use the image above on your Facebook page to help raise awareness amongst your friends and family. Many women suffer in silence not knowing where to turn. NAPS is there waiting to offer support and advice. On their website you will find a free forum, and mood chart, and by joining up as a member, you will be able to gain access to other benefits.

If you blog, please share this information to your readers. NAPS is a charity, and need everyone to help spread the word.

Point them in this direction! National Association of Premenstrual Syndrome - www.pms.org.uk

Aromatherapy for PMDD - Rosemary

2011-09-16T15:50:00.000+01:00

Rosemary is another oil, like lavender that can be used for many things. The main difference being that rosemary has a stimulating and uplifting effect on the body. Rosemary was one of the earliest plants to be used in medicine, it was burned by the ancient Greeks as incense, it was a sacred plant to the Romans, and used by many others to purify rooms and hospitals, right up into this century.

It has a clearing effect on the body, so is useful for coughs and colds, as a decongestant and for headaches.

It is an effective pain reliever, and will pierce right into painful areas and tight muscles. Excellent for period pain and cramps. It's stimulating effect will encourage menstrual flow, and cleanse your energy.

Rosemary can help bring mental clarity to swirling thoughts, and calms nerves. If you need a boost and need to get a hold on your mind, achieve some focus and motivation, choose Rosemary. Remember this is a stimulating oil, and so best not to be used right before bedtime.

Properties

Pain relieving, nerve tonic, brain stimulant, clearing, anti-septic, diuretic, good for nervous exhaustion, stimulates circulation.

Chakras and colour

Rosemary resonates with the throat chakra and third eye chakra. These chakras are responsible for communication (throat) and insight (third eye). Their colours are blue and violet. Blue is a healing, calming colour that can cool and refresh. The colour of the sky and the sea, it promotes a feeling of expanse and serenity. Violet, the colour of the third eye, is a deep healing colour, that brings about a connection to the divine.

It's message is to open your mind to healing. To bring about a clarity and help us remember who we are. If you are confused with swirling thoughts, confused about how to carry on, let Rosemary relax you, soothe your pain and open your mind to new possibilities.

For more oil profiles and general information on buying, using and storing essential oils , please see my Aromatherapy for PMDD page.

Aromatherapy for PMDD - Lavender

2011-09-13T18:28:00.000+01:00

Lavender was the first oil to be discovered and used for aromatherapy purposes. In 1910, a French chemist named René-Maurice Gattefossé badly burned his hand in a perfume laboratory, he plunged it into the first available vat of liquid. That vat contained the essential oil of Lavender. He noted how the Lavender oil had given him pain relief and had helped the wound heal quicker. He coined the phrase 'aromathérapie', and began to research oils in greater depth.

Lavender oil is a fantastic all rounder. It is exceptional in it's relaxing qualities and helps to balance the body and mind. It's uses in PMDD are endless, so long as you like the fragrance! It is harvested around the Mediterranean and grows well all over Europe. In the UK it is known as the essential country garden plant, attracting butterflies and perfuming the garden. The lavender flower is used to make the oil. There are many types of Lavender oil, but I will focus on the more popular and widely available Lavendula Officinale.

Lavender is an excellent oil for menstrual cramps or periods that are light and scanty. It's anti-spasmodic properties help to ease cramps and relieve pain. Perfect for use in a bath around the time your period is due, or during your period. The warmth from the bath will relax your whole body and soak up a good dose of the healing Lavender oil. If you are affected by the cold, Lavender has a warming quality and will keep you feeling warm long after your bath.

It is also a wonderful headache remedy, and can help to relieve tension in the body which can lead to headaches. In fact, if you suffer from aches and pains, a bath in lavender is sure to help you unwind. Just remember it is a sedative and you will probably just want to sleep after using it!

Lavender has special importance in PMDD. As it provides a balancing action, it works well on fluctuating moods and mood swings. If you are lucky enough to have someone around who will massage some oil into you, get them to massage some Lavender oil (be sure to add it to a carrier first) up either side of your spine. This will help to balance your moods and release any blockages up the spine.

It's also excellent for use on the skin to treat hormonal breakouts, and will help to 'balance' the skin.

Properties

Pain relieving, anti-depressant, sedative, antiseptic, decongestant, warming, lowers blood pressure,, antibiotic, anti-inflammatory, settles digestive discomfort, balancing, to name but a few.

Chakras and colours

Lavender resonates with the third eye chakra and the heart chakra. It's colours are violet and green. The violet colour helps us to connect to a higher state of being, it's is made up of red/fire and blue/water. It brings about balance and calm. It also stimulates the heart chakra. Green is known to be a healing colour, a colour of love.

This oil is a Mother oil. It will hold you in it's arms and wipe away your tears. It is active in the layers of aura closest to the body and brings the spiritual dimension into the physical. Whatever is troubling you, Lavender oil will help you to feel better. Like a mother, it will want to protect and nurture you, it will want to lift your burden, make things easier for you, it wants you to feel loved.

This is a perfect oil for those menstrual times and PMDD moments when you feel all alone, like no-one cares. It will ease all your pain, mental and emotional, it will help to balance your moods and calm your soul, and it will do it all while it strokes your head and helps you fall asleep.

For more oil profiles and general information on buying, using and storing essential oils , please see my Aromatherapy for PMDD page.

SAD Alert! The Serotonin Factor

2011-09-13T14:31:00.001+01:00

Serotonin is the body's feel good hormone. It's a neuro-transmitter and it's function depends on the region of the brain into which it is released. For example, the serotonin neurons in frontal cortex of the brain regulates cognition, memory, and perceptions. The serotonin neurons in the hippocampus regulate memory and mood. The serotonin neurons in other limbic areas such as the amygdala also regulate mood.

Low levels of serotonin are accountable for:

Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia, obesity, fibromyalgia, eating disorders, chronic pain, migraines, alcohol abuse, negative thoughts, low self-esteem, obsessive thoughts and behaviours, PMS, SAD, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

The following factors can cause low serotonin levels:

Alcohol
Artificial sweeteners (aspartame)
Caffeine
Cigarette Smoking
Diabetes
Dietary deficiencies of nutrient co-factors
Ecstasy, Diet Pills, and certain medications
Genetic Predisposition
Hormone Imbalances (thyroid, adrenal, estrogen)
Hypoglycemia
Insulin Resistance
Inflammation
Infections
Poor Diet
Lack of exercise
Lack of sunlight
Problems converting tryptophan to Serotonin
Problems with Digestion
Stress and Anger
High Cortisol Levels

If you can tick a few things on this list, you are;

a) more likely to suffer with Seasonal Affective Disorder

b) not helping your PMDD or PMS

When you read this, it makes some sense of the plethora of symptoms experienced in PMDD. Low serotonin levels are almost certainly adding to the nightmare of PMDD as women with PMDD will suffer panic attacks, anxiety, and high levels of stress every month, which affect the production of serotonin. At the same time, the fluctuating hormones will mean serotonin is depleted during the second half of the cycle (luteal) phase, adding to the low serotonin symptoms.

Obviously, it is not your fault if you have a hormone imbalance, are hypoglycemic or have a genetic problem, etc, but if you smoke, eat bad foods and don't get enough exercise, you will not be helping your situation. If you would like to read about serotonin in more detail, please go here...

Serotonin and Light

Low light levels during the winter mean that your body doesn't make as much serotonin, which is triggered into production by light. Serotonin is the chemical in our body that helps us feel awake and gives us energy. Light restricts the body's production of melatonin, which does the opposite job to serotonin... it makes us sleepy and brings about a feeling of tiredness so we can rest and sleep at night. If our serotonin levels remain low, that means were are full of the opposite chemical, melatonin, hence the heavy, tired, and lethargic feelings that SAD and PMDD can bring on.

One way light is measured is by using the term 'lux'. An average indoor room lighting is around 50-200 lux, whereas, outside the light levels will be anything from 1000 to 50,000 lux. Lux refers to the intensity of light. It is thought that an average of 2500 lux is needed to keep SAD at bay and encourage serotonin production. Household lightbulbs for instance, do not have the same intensity as The Sun! And it is this light from the Sun our bodies are craving during the winter months.

There are 3 main ways to treat SAD. Light Therapy, SSRI's and Dietary changes.

Light therapy involves sitting in front of an SAD light box for a certain amount of time everyday, usually in the morning. Light boxes can be very expensive, but it can work really well for some people to combat SAD. 10 years ago, my SAD was so severe I invested in a light box. It was a huge cumbersome thing! I found it difficult to use, as sitting for an hour in front of a night is almost impossible when you have a child running around! So now you are more likely to find me outside whenever it is bright or sunny in the winter, just absorbing the sun!

Light enters the body through the skin and eyes (obviously DON'T look direct at the Sun!). Sun screen and contact lenses/glasses will not allow the body to collect what it needs, so make sure you get the light onto your bare skin and spend sometime without contact lenses or glasses outside, whenever there is a sunny spell!

SSRI's (Selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors) may be necessary for some people, but this should be researched and discussed with your doctor. Taking anti-depressants work for some people, but for others, working on diet and lifestyle will be just as effective. Remember, you should STILL work on these changes even if you are taking SSRI's, you will get more relief if you help your body rather than work against it.

Dietary changes:

Avoid the factors on the list above such as smoking, caffeine and lack of exercise, and incorporate more of the following into your diet.

complex carbohydrates
chicken
turkey
tuna
salmon
kidney beans
rolled oats
lentils
chickpeas
pumpkin seeds
sunflower seeds
baked potato with skin
tahini (sesame butter)
walnuts
avocado
almond butter
Eat a variety of fresh fruits and vegetables (organic if possible)
Drink 6-8 glasses of water daily

By eliminating foods and lifestyle choices that will make your SAD or PMDD worse, and increasing the foods above that help boost serotonin, you will have more of a chance of getting through the winter!

Here are a few other things you can do to help yourself through the winter months:

Get plenty of exercise (30 minutes at least three times a week)
Eat regularly throughout the day.
Get plenty of natural sunlight
Manage stress and negative emotions
Get 6-8 hours of quality sleep a night
Set time aside for fun and relaxation
Take a multivitamin daily
Prayer and Meditation

The winter is fast approaching. September in the UK is one of my favourite months. The leaves change and fall, the wind picks up, the days are changeable and the temperature drops, but we still have some lovely sunshine popping through every now and then. October brings Halloween and November, Fireworks... I can usually deal with winter till December but by then I am struggling (I'm not a Christmas fan!). I am planning on upping my serotonin levels by eating better and getting outside when ever I can. Putting lights on in the house is also a good move when the days are dreary, and getting a good nights sleep always helps my mood.

Remember, if your symptoms are really bad and you are feeling unstable, low, depressed, maybe even suicidal, PLEASE contact your doctor and get some support. Realise that it is a temporary situation and the wheel is always turning.. it wont be long till spring is here again!

SAD Alert! The dark months are coming

2011-09-13T12:40:00.002+01:00

One of the reasons women with PMDD have such a hard time, is because the hormone fluctuations can affect the levels of serotonin in your body. Serotonin is the main factor is Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Seasonal Affective Disorder can translate into winter depression, and is brought on by the lack of light available in some countries during the winter. I live in the UK and have suffered with SAD for over 10 years... quite possibly longer, but I first realised it was SAD after the birth of my first child. In retrospect, that was the same time my PMDD began to get worse.

The following information is taken form the SADA website

SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a type of winter depression that affects an estimated 7% of the UK population every winter between September and April, in particular during December, January and February. It is caused by a biochemical imbalance in the hypothalamus due to the shortening of daylight hours and the lack of sunlight in winter.
For many people SAD is a seriously disabling illness, preventing them from functioning normally without continuous medical treatment. For others, it is a mild but debilitating condition causing discomfort but not severe suffering. We call this subsyndromal SAD or 'winter blues.' It is estimated that a further 17% of the UK population have this milder form of condition.

SADA's Symptom list is as follows:

The symptoms of SAD usually recur regularly each winter, starting between September and November and continuing until March or April.

A diagnosis can be made after three or more consecutive winters of symptoms, which may include a number of the following:

Depression
Low mood, worse than and different from normal sadness
Negative thoughts and feelings
Guilt and loss of self-esteem
Sometimes hopelessness and despair
Sometimes apathy and inability to feel
Sleep Problems
The need to sleep more
A tendency to oversleep
Difficulty staying awake during the day and/or disturbed sleep with
very early morning wakening
Lethargy
Fatigue, often incapacitating, making it very difficult or impossible to carry out normal routines
Over Eating
Craving for carbohydrates and sweet foods leading to an increase in weight
Cognitive Function
Difficulty with concentration and memory
The brain does not work as well, or as quickly
Social Problems
Irritability
Finding it harder to be with people
Anxiety
Tension
Stress is harder to deal with
Loss of Libido
Less interest in sex and physical contact
Sudden Mood Changes in Spring
Sharp change in mood
Some experience agitation and restlessness and/or a short period of
hypomania (over activity)
No dramatic mood change but a gradual loss of winter symptoms

Imagine having that for 4-6 months of the year ON TOP of the monthly PMDD hell.

If you have a worse time during the winter months, then you are probably suffering from SAD. The link between SAD and PMDD is the lack of serotonin being produced and getting to the brain, which is why SSRI's are often prescribed for PMDD and SAD.

Think back to last winter and previous winters... How do you feel during the winter months?
Do you experience more depressive episodes or angry outbursts?
Do you sleep more and have trouble getting up in the morning?
Do you feel relief when the wheel turns to spring?

For more information, please visit the following links.. and talk to your doctor or health professional if you feel you may be suffering from SAD.

http://www.sada.org.uk/

http://www.sad.org.uk/

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Seasonal-affective-disorder/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Look out for my next post on low serotonin and what you can do to help your PMDD and/or SAD.

What is Dysphoria?

2011-09-13T10:50:00.002+01:00

One of the distinct symptoms of PMDD is often overlooked. Dysphoria is the key word that differentiates PMS from PMDD. When do you know you are suffering from PMDD and not PMS? When the dysphoria takes over.... It's not called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder for nothing!

Dictonary.com describes Dysphoria as:

dys·pho·ri·a [dis-fawr-ee-uh, -fohr-] noun Pathology:
a state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting.
Origin: 1835–45; < Neo-Latin < Greek dysphoría malaise, discomfort, equivalent to dys- dys- + phor ( ós ) bearing + -ia -ia Related forms: dys·phor·ic [dis-fawr-ik, -for-] adjective

The Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary describes it as:

dys·pho·ria definition Function: n : a state of feeling unwell or unhappy compare EUPHORIA

These definitions are very vague and something many people can relate to.

Wikipedia's definition is slightly more in depth:

Dysphoria (from Greek δύσφορος (dysphoros), from δυσ-, difficult, and φέρειν, to bear) is an unpleasant or uncomfortable mood, such as sadness (depressed mood), anxiety, irritability, or restlessness, experienced from very short periods of time up to a lifetime. Etymologically, it is the opposite of euphoria.
Dysphoria refers only to a condition of mood and may be experienced in response to ordinary life events, such as illness or grief. Additionally, it is a feature of many psychiatric disorders, including anxiety disorders and mood disorders. Dysphoria is usually experienced during depressive episodes, but in people with bipolar disorder, it may also be experienced during manic or hypomanic episodes. Dysphoria in the context of a mood disorder indicates a heightened risk of suicide.

Dysphoric mania, as described in the Merck Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy, is "prominent depressive symptoms superimposed on manic psychosis." Symptoms include:

crying
curtailed sleep
racing thoughts
grandiosity
psychomotor restlessness
suicidal ideation
persecutory delusions
auditory hallucinations
indecisiveness
confusion

NOW we find ourselves in PMDD territory. Many women describe the dysphoria as a feeling of losing their mind, or going mad. All common sense is abandoned, things that were easy a few days ago, now become impossible. The mind is racing, sometimes tears come with the thoughts and painful emotions the dysphoria brings up.

Persecutory delusions are common. This is a feeling of paranoia, the idea that everyone hates you, that no-one believes you, that there is some conspiracy to keep help from you. That maybe you're just imagining it and are therefore a really bad person, or insane... that spiritually you deserve this and you will just have to suffer. Many PMDD sufferers feel like this at the bad times of the month, they can't believe they can't stop this, 'why can't I control it?'. These feelings of persecution can spur crazy reactions. Pushing family and friends away because you don't trust they believe you. Deleting friends on social networks, falling out and arguing with people, or simple closing the door on everyone emotionally, to keep yourself 'safe'. Hide away, they can't get you if they can't find you....

The other fear is that because there is no break in symptoms.. many women suffer EVERY month, sometimes twice a month. PMDD sufferers are very aware of the strain they put on the people around them. I know I personally feel like the people around me are going to get so fed up and bored of the eternal cycle that they will give up helping or trying to understand. I don't know if I could handle seeing someone I liked/loved go through this every month.

On the website www.dysphoria.info, they have a page about the definition of dysphoria. What's interesting is their use of describing dysphoria as a 'state of being'.

State of being, can be interpreted as state of existence. It is YOU and how you are at the moment in time. This is why it feels like dysphoria consumes and absorbs you. It is why it feels like you will always feel/be like this, but as all sufferers repeat the mantra 'this will pass' to remind themselves this is a temporary state, it is all too easy to get lost and be unable to feel any shred of normality – or should we say, non-dysphoric state of being.

I think it is important to learn about this part of PMDD. It is the part that causes the most distress. It is the part of the disorder that clouds our capable minds, and set's us off on a spiral of negative thoughts and emotions. Ladies become forgetful, distracted, withdrawn, clumsy, unable to make simple decisions, hopeless, easy to anger, frustrated.... Some can't bear loud noises or anything repetitive. They will almost always, feel like they are causing this, or creating it, or are imagining the symptoms. They will always feel a ton of guilt and be reliving past emotional traumas. The dysphoria traps you, paralyses you and steals a week or two of every month from you. Every month, without fail, the dysphoria hits and women feel guilty for not being able to stop it.

How many of you have thought, read up, or discovered what dysphoria means? Learn about dysphoria, so next time you tell someone you suffer from Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, you can explain the dysphoric part. I feel that word gets ignored and is very misunderstood, yet is the key reason this disorder is SO debilitating. When your thoughts are not your own, how can you trust yourself? How can you know you are making the right decisions? How can you know who to trust on the outside if you look within and don't find yourself?

How do you interpret your dysphoria?

What aspects of dysphoria do you experience?

How do you cope with it?

I am The Sun

2011-07-25T12:57:00.001+01:00

I am The Sun.

I love to shine! I was born to shine.
I love to spread warmth and love to everyone.
It is my job! It's our job! I love to laugh and have fun!
It is for all of us to shine and keep each other warm,
to make colour's brighter and the spirit lighter.

The only thing I want to do, is provide for you,
to sustain you... give you strength and courage.
I want to experience the world in all it's glory.
We all have a light to bring to the world...
.. but I think that if we all shone at once, we would all go blind.

Sometimes, suffocating dark clouds obscure my view.
I cant see the bright colourful world around me.
I feel lost, I can't shine, nothing gets through cloud that thick.
Sometimes there's thunder, and lightning strikes,
Sometimes, I can hear tornadoes and crying..
But I can't see, I cant help.. I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS CLOUD!

It's wet and depressing, it's cold and bleak.
If I breath too deeply I choke from the thick air.
I just want to shine, that's all I want,
It's all I know, it's my purpose. The panic sets in
and it feels like this darkness will last forever.
I am The Sun.

The people around me, cant see my light anymore
they are mad at me for not shining, for not making them warm,
The clouds bring the rain, which the world needs too,
to cleanse and clean and nourish the earth.
But I'm invisible, and it's not my choice... all I want to do is shine.

The clouds slowly pass, and I can see again.
Sometimes I see devastation, and sometimes it's not so bad,
I always fear that I will open my eyes and find no-one there,
But I am the Sun, we are all the Sun,
and all we can do is shine brighter when the clouds have gone.

White fluffy clouds.. now, they are OK!
I like watching them pass.. a train... a bird.. a smiling face,
I like laying on the grass and watching the sky,
its a reminder that you are alive and that is a blessing
the clouds will come and go, storms WILL hit us...

but I like shining down on you and watching you play,
and in your hearts you know,
I will always return after the darkness has lifted.
Don't give up on me, I will be back,
and we will all enjoy another sunny day.

We are all The Sun.

By Cat Stone 2011

PMDD in the news

2011-07-19T19:31:00.002+01:00

A new story hit the papers today, about a 41 year old woman from London called Kirsty.

The women told they're mentally ill when they are really crippled by period pain
By JO WATERS

Kirsty Baranowski stood in the middle of the road hammering on a taxi driver’s windscreen. She was incandescent with rage because he’d suddenly pulled out in front of her.

The outburst was completely out of character, but for 20 years she had been battling with violent mood swings in the run-up to her period.

‘Normally, I was mild mannered,’ says Kirsty, 41, who lives in Southfields, South-West London, with her children, Alexander, ten, and Sophia, nine.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2016172/Women-told-theyre-mentally-ill-really-crippled-period-pain.html#ixzz1SZnfJ3ev

Other articles that have been in the papers are:

My story in the Local paper in 2010:
http://www.dailyecho.co.uk/news/features/living/8625883.Extreme_PMT_made_me_violent_and_suicidal/

Donna from Scotland, who's story in 2009 led me back into researching and trying out GHRH injections.. She is still an inspiration, and I hear she is doing really well!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1218328/Donna-told-stressed-cure-sex-In-fact-crippling-new-form-PMS.html

Elizabeth Freundel's story back in 2007:

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/pmdd-extreme-pms-438114.html

Mood charts and tracking symptoms

2011-07-17T15:14:00.007+01:00

The only way to convince anyone you are suffering from cyclical symptoms is by filling in a mood chart. By noting your symptoms and severity, along with your menstrual cycle, it is easier to see patterns forming and for doctors to diagnose PMDD.
You have to be strict with yourself and make sure you do this EVERYDAY, or at the very least the morning after (for the day before), trying to be as accurate about how you felt as possible.

There are many free resources online, including printable mood charts. Printable worked for me as I filled it in in the evening and could keep it safe, or up on the kitchen cupboard door to remind me. It also means you automatically have something to show your doctor. I used the chart in the book by Diana Dell - The PMDD Phenomenom, as it gave me the option to fill in how bad things were too (by colouring 1, 2 or 3 boxes), so rather than just a yes or no, I could monitor slightly off moods to more intense, severe moods.

Dont be put off by charts that are called Bi-polar or depression mood charts. It's not the name that matters, but the information you track. Just find a chart that works for you.

You may want to try an online/interactive mood charts. Some require membership, but some are free. If you are at the computer a lot, then this might be a better way for you to record you moods each day. Obviously this means making sure you can print everything out to take to the doctors, and that you will always have access to a computer to keep it updated. I can't stress the importance of filling everything in EVERYDAY for at least 3 months. It's the best way for an outsider to know whats been going on up in there, and help you to diagnose your condition.

There is a very modern way of tracking your moods, if you happen to be the proud owner of an iPhone or Smartphone! Just search the app store for 'mood tracker', 'iPeriod' or 'period tracker' and take your pick! I have used Period Tracker (paid version), and it's very simple to use. It's hard to find a tracker that does all the things you want, but it worked pretty good for me. I now have an android phone and am using Womanlog, but there are many others, such as Ovuview, Pink Pad and My period and ovulation. Most have free downloads, I advise you trial the free version before you pay for one, just to make sure it works for you.

With so many options, we are spoilt for choice! There is definately no excuse NOT to be tracking your moods and symptoms.... so, Get tracking!

Printable

PMDD Facts for Health Mood Chart

Healthy Place Bipolar Mood Chart

PMS Relief Mood Chart

Online

MedHelp Mood Tracker - Free

Mood Tracker - Free

NAPS Interactive Mood Chart - Free, membership required.

My Monthly Cycles - Paid subscription for good resources, Limited free account.

These links are also available from the side bar of my blog.

Got Milk? GET REAL....

2011-07-16T16:51:00.003+01:00

An ad campaign in America by The California Milk Processor Group. It is supposed to increase the sales of milk.. using the obviously hilarious symptoms of PMS or rather, men's suffering at the hands of their pms'ing girlfriends.

It's aimed directly at men, and claims to be using humor to raise awareness of what they call "a REAL condition that affects millions of men every month" and that "PMS places undue strain on personal and professional relationships and for several days in each cycle, men are inexplicably unable to do anything right" The campaign hopes to encourage men to get their wives and girlfriends to drink more milk, as if that will magically solve women's PMS and give them a less stressful life. It would be more helpful if they advised them to go talk to a Doctor or health professional.

They have a website www.everythingidoiswrong.org, which gives you various 'funny' dials and gauges, like a color-coded ”global PMS level,” a “video apology enhancer” and a “mistake verification system”
The loading page shows a glass of milk, with a banner around it stating 'Milk can help the symptoms of PMS'.

On the website www.gotmilk.com the milk group claim:

A majority of women who consumed 1200 mg of calcium a day for three months reported being less irritable, weepy and depressed, and suffering from fewer backaches, and less cramping and bloating. With 300 mg of calcium per glass, milk is the perfect PMS comfort food.

The study they used to come to this conclusion can be seen here,
http://www.gotmilk.com/pdf/PMSstudy_s.pdf . Only 55% of women reported an improvement, which means 45% didn't. It was also shown that a THIRD of women who didn't take calcium experienced an improvement over time anyway. To get the levels of calcium you would need to help symptoms, you would need to drink a pint of skimmed or semi-skimmed milk every day, even more if you drink whole milk.

What they don't wish to tell you is that studies have been done regarding the health problems caused or aggravated by milk. Some sources maintain that high dairy consumption can lead to an increased risk of PMS/PMDD. Milk and other dairy products can contain high levels of hormones, and consumption can therefore alter hormone levels in sensitive peoples, leading to PMS/PMDD symptoms. Diets which are high in caffeine and sugar may also have this effect (there goes your white coffee or tea with 2 sugars!).

If you are a PMDD sufferer, because the symptoms are so serious and life restricting, you become obsessed with finding a solution, or finding ways to relieve the symptoms. You will learn quickly that food plays a massive part in managing symptoms and there are foods that are better to avoid. In a perfect world we would all eat unprocessed, fresh, natural food. Whole food. The milk that we buy in our current society is processed, it comes from cows that have been given hormones and antibiotics. It is the best milk for calves, not necessarily, for humans.

Vivian Goldschmit (a graduate of New York University with a Masters of Arts degree in Nutritional Sciences and Biochemistry) creator of the website saveourbones.com, an osteoporosis community, says we have been led to believe many myths about milk and in her article here, you can read many other facts about modern day milk:

One of the first myths, she says, is that drinking milk creates healthy bones because of the calcium found in the milk. However, the animal protein found in milk actually depletes the human body of calcium, exactly the opposite of what milk drinkers expect it to do.

Nowadays, milking cows are given antibiotics and most are also injected with a genetically engineered form of bovine growth hormone (rBGH). A man-made or synthetic hormone used to artificially increase milk production, rBGH also increases blood levels of the insulin-growth factor 1 (IGF-1) in those who drink it. And higher levels of IGF-1 are linked to several cancers.

On the website www.notmilk.com, you can find information on many health problems that are caused or aggravate by milk. On the topic of mood swings, Robert Cohen says:

Imagine starting your day with an estrogen pill, followed by progesterone, prolactin, melatonin, oxytocin, and 50+ other hormones including gastrointestinal peptides and hypothalamic hormones.

It is no wonder that the Townsend Medical Letter noted the following in May of 1995: "In reality, cow's milk, especially processed cow's milk, has been linked to a variety of health problems, including: mucous production, hemoglobin loss, childhood diabetes, heart disease, atherosclerosis, arthritis, kidney stones, MOOD SWINGS, depression, irritability, allergies."

Can I also mention, that if you were to follow the advice given by the Got Milk Campaign, drinking non or half fat milk will actually MAKE you put on more weight!

The fat in milk actually helps curb you appetite by making you feel fuller by triggering a release of the hormone cholecystokinin. Fats also slow the release of sugar into your bloodstream, reducing the amount that can be stored as fat.

This is a low blow to those women who suffer from PMS, or it's big ugly sister, PMDD.

To take one unsubstantial research paper and base an entire promotional campaign is crazy, let alone the BAD advice of hormonal women drinking more milk. The 'humerous' aspect will only be appreciated by men... I'm sorry.. but if we are gonna get sexist here, who does the shopping?

Statements like, "I'm sorry I listened to what you said, not what you meant", "I'm sorry for the things I did or didn't do" and "We can BOTH blame myself" are sarcastic, insulting and quite frankly don't help anyone. When you step into the realms of PMDD, you will find men who a dealing with a time bomb. Someone they love, goes to hell and back every month and often tries to drag them along. The fact that PMS and PMDD is so misunderstood, still so taboo, means that these men, and their families suffer for years without help. Women with PMDD go through years of trial and error using medications that haven't been created to treat PMDD... we are guinea pigs. There isnt enough research into PMS and PMDD, there aren't enough studies or new medications being created. There just isn't the support available to women with this condition, or their long suffering partners.

A woman with severe PMS or PMDD will have to spend a lot of time dealing with the side effects of medications, only to realise that they are never going to work.

A woman with PMDD will battle every month to 'keep it together', they will try CBT, psychotherapy, counselling, meditation, exercise, diet, anything that may offer a way of dealing with the feelings and situations that PMDD brings.

I've not met ONE woman with PMDD who jokes about saying something awful to a loved one, or being hurtful, letting people down, or self harming. I see these women battle everyday with a life destroying illness, I see them battle for their kids, I see them battle for their man/partner, myself included.

I would embrace an advertising campaign that raises awareness about how badly mood disorders and hormone imbalances affect the lives of many. I would embrace something that gives an uneducated person a true and fair insight into the lives of women, kids, AND men, who live with severe PMS or PMDD. I would embrace something that promises to raise awareness and demands more research.

This however, is far from that. It's nothing more than a company trying to make more money at the expense of women by promoting something that could actually worsen symptoms in a woman with PMS or PMDD.

Got Milk have released an article about the campaign saying:

ARE YOU A MAN LIVING WITH PMS?

GOT MILK? Comes to Relationship Rescue "During That Time of the Month"

Are you a man living with PMS? That's the question the California Milk Processor Board (CMPB), the creator of the GOT MILK?, is asking California men this summer. In an advertising campaign titled 'Everything I Do Is Wrong,' the CMPB aims to use its signature GOT MILK? humor to highlight the strain placed on many relationships due to the monthly symptoms of premenstrual syndrome or PMS and how dairy milk can come to the rescue: studies show that the calcium in dairy milk can help reduce PMS symptoms by as much as 50 percent. Whereas most PMS-related messaging is aimed at women, the campaign's core question ("Are you a man living with PMS?") turns the tables and looks at this age-old dilemma from the point of view of the man and the couple.

"PMS and its symptoms are sensitive issues to discuss among couples," says Steve James, executive director of the CMPB. "We hope that this campaign, through its message and humor, would empower both men and women to talk about this topic more openly and to take action by learning how to help relieve symptoms by drinking dairy milk."

"The goal of the campaign is to engage consumers, while helping users learn about the many benefits of drinking dairy milk," says Jeff Goodby, chairman of GSP. "Milk comes to the rescue and in the case of this campaign, it could very well help strengthen relationships."

Goodby is no stranger to this topic, having had directed the first GOT MILK? PMS ad in 2005 titled 'Milk to the Rescue.' The humorous 30-second commercial was produced after studies in the Archives of Internal Medicine and in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology showed that the calcium in dairy milk can help reduce the symptoms of PMS. 'Milk to the Rescue' opens to scenes of men in grocery and convenience stores stocking up on gallons of milk. The frantic, near desperate looks on their faces are funny, but puzzling. Viewers are the then let in on the secret when a guy comes home with grocery bags full of milk and a bouquet of flowers. A full screen comes on where audiences learn how milk can make that "time-of-the-month" a little better. The ad ends with the ubiquitous tagline "GOT MILK?"

Jeff Goodby is quoted in The NY Times as saying "We did it in the past, but the women just didn’t drink enough milk,” he says, laughing. “If they’d only drink enough, we wouldn’t come back."

No need to wonder where the sexist ideas come from then?

Living Life

2011-07-05T01:00:00.001+01:00

It's Summer, so I find myself spending more time outside whenever possible and less time in front of the computer.. that and my laptop went for a spin off the coffee table courtesy of my dog, Ember. I am now on a borrowed laptop that is only good for surfing!

It's halted my writing and design work, which has meant lots of time for thinking, planning and taking care of home and family business.

My partner and I are back together. I didn't see it coming, and had no idea it would happen, but it did, and I am very happy. Life seems pretty good again, despite to constant niggles that PMDD brings. I feel blessed to be able to call them niggles at the moment. Physically, I am a mess! Constant cramps, backache, leg pain.. but mentally, I feel pretty stable. I put that down to lots of sunshine! and there is where I feel blessed.. physical pain is pretty bearable, compared to the emotional and mental agony that my hormones bring with them.

The PMDD Support group on Facebook has now reached maximum capacity, that is, maximum capacity for a workable, readable group. This has meant that I have opened a new 'room' to allow new members to join and create another small, private support group. If you have PMDD, and would like to talk to other sufferers, on Facebook, real time support, please request membership using the link below:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_244763498872960&ap=1

I hope to catch up with the articles I have promised you, the essential oil guides, and general chit chat.. but right now, I have one daughters birthday down.. and one to go. July is a busy month for my family!

My garden is looking lovely and I am spending lots of time out there... I have lots of pictures, but I'll share one of my favorites..

Sometimes, it is really nice to leave the computer and get outside.. I walked 4 miles today, in glorious sunshine! Feels good :)

Changes

2011-05-19T22:32:00.001+01:00

My apologies for not posting in such a long time. Sometimes, life takes over and demands your attention. I would like to share with you the Tarot Cards I pulled today for myself.
I think this will explain why I haven't updated in a while...

Tarot reading 19/5/2011

Two of Cups

The card of relationships, of love, emotions...

Ironically, my relationship of just over 2 years has ended. Is this card here just to slap me in the face, or make me doubt our decision?

We couldn't go on any longer as we were. I was becoming more ill again, and he was rapidly falling out of love, lust and patience with me.

It happened well over a week ago, but I am still devastated. My dreams, my future had all been there in my head. The stability having a relationship can offer, the support from my man, the hope of a happy future, settled.. loving...

Only, the truth is, as I have come to understand it after buckets of tears, is that, we never really had a lasting love. I put blocks in the way, the PMDD makes things difficult for everyone around me, and I wanted him to be with me more than anything else in the world. I was too needy.

He, on the other hand, has very few needs, and most of them can be met with money. I became a burden and I always felt like an embarresment to him.

So the Two of Cups tells me, that I never had that love. I thought I had, but I didn't.

'Depth of love is reflected in the quality of the relationship.' If that is the case, ours wasn't hugely deep. Me as a fish (Pisces, water), couldn't expect a bird (Gemini, air) to be able to come down to the depths of my emotions, to experience what I feel, or even begin to understand how deep my feelings go.

I could not wander through life, carefree and responsibility free, without thinking deeply about anything. Avoiding commitment and troubles.

'The success of a relationship depends in great part on how we see ourselves reflected in the eyes of our loved ones.' I can now tell what I saw in his eyes. Sadness that I wasn't the woman he met, or the woman he wanted. I saw failure, and I felt his desire to break free, to become SOLO.

In a short space of time, he went from the man of my dreams to the type of man I would avoid.

I want to see in my lovers eyes, unconditional love, a sharing of pain and emotion, someone who will embrace me and hold me when I fall apart, and someone who wants to see me succeed. I want someone who shares my values and need to have a strong home, to provide support and nurture my children. Most of all, I just want someone who understands all my faults, but loves me anyway.

The Two of Cups, makes me realise that I was in love with a fantasy that I had created, and I could no longer avoid the reality of where we had ended up. I have been so tired of feeling unloved, unworthy and a burden. I have no doubt that a relationship is what I want. I want a partner in my life, I don't want to be on my own for the rest of my days, but I will be very careful before falling in 'love' again. I have a tendency to be pretty gullible.

Love thyself... Know thyself...

The 2 on this card represents Me and My reflection. That's all I have now.

The Fool

I said last week, I felt like the Fool. That I should be excited about a new cycle of my life starting, that I should be feeling like the world is at my feet, but all I could feel was sadness, was a longing for none of it to have happened, and a wish I could just be with him again, that he would hug me and love me and cheer me up. The Two of Cups has reminded me, that I didn't have that anyway, not really. That his actions have not been of someone who loves me unconditionally, or even actions of someone who wants me, really wants me in his life. Since we broke up, he has become someone I don't even know. His actions and attitude is not something I would ever have been attracted to.. I am left wondering who it was I loved? Who have I just spent 2 years with?

Today, after a couple of days of crying and crying.. the kind of feeling that just hits you when you are washing up or doing something else. A wave of deep deep pain and sadness.. grief, for my loss, for the man I thought was my one and only.. a man who made me believe in love again, Today, as I draw The Fool, I realise that a new phase is beginning, that maybe, just maybe, being with him would have meant I'd miss my chance at whatever it is that is round the corner.

The Universe knows better than me, and it obviously has bigger plans for me, then settling for someone who doesn't really love me or want a relationship. I do deserve better. If I am ever going to accept and love myself, I have to know that I deserve better than being dismissed and made to feel unimportant to someone.

Today, I welcome The Fool, and hope that I will soon begin to feel the excitement of a new beginning. Trying to keep faith and trust the Universe is going to give me what I need.

The world is at my feet. I need to step out into the Great Unknown. I need to believe in myself. Now, more than ever.

Strength

Another major card. I'm hoping Strength is here to give me just that. Strength to get through all this emotional pain, strength to cope alone with my illness and kids and everything else I control in my life. I have to find courage, I have to find control.

I also need to get some dignity again. I have lived for long enough believing that everything that goes wrong is my fault. That I am not good enough, not worthy. No wonder I have lost all my confidence. The Strength card will bring it back. Being strong and getting through this is the ONLY option. There is a whole world out there.. I experience falling apart every month with my disorder, I get through. I deal with suicidal feelings over my life and my disorder, yet I have not yet gone through with it. I recognise it as a feeling and feelings pass. I am not going to let this ruin me.

I have tried to be the better person, to be respectful and come from a place of love, but again, it is not returned, everything is so one sided, and I am accepting defeat, gracefully, and walking away.

My heart will heal, life will move on. I will forget, and a new life will begin.

This is my chance to be at one with the Universe, with the energies. No distractions, no diversions, just Me.. and the Universe... It is here I will find strength.

Aromatherapy for PMDD - Bergamot

2011-04-15T17:33:00.000+01:00

To read basic information on buying, using and storing essential oils , please see my Aromatherapy for PMDD page.

Bergamot – Citrus Bergamia

Bergamot is extracted from the rind of miniature oranges found on the Bergamot Tree, found in a particular village in Italy. It was used in Italy for hundred of years, and became an export relatively recently. Bergamot is also the fragrance used to flavour Earl Grey tea .

PMDD sufferers will find bergamot to be uplifting and cheery. It has a citrussy, zingy fragrance and is renown for it's anti-depressant properties. It is a relaxing, soothing oil, that brings about comfort and warmth. Bergamot relieves tension and anxiety and boosts your appetite, which could help with ladies who starve themselves during PMDD time. Bergamot can help them increase the desire to eat. Bergamot is also an excellent oil if you suffer with cystitis. It is a powerful disinfectant to the urinary tract, and a bath in bergamot can help kill infection where it starts (in the urethra). It can also help with indigestion and flatulence. In skincare, bergamot can help balance out oily skin and clear up spots, cysts and boils, which is great for hormonal outbreaks. It also inhibits the cold sore virus, so if you are prone to cold sores during menstruation this could really help.

Bergamot safety note: The pure oil is high in bergaptene, which can cause your skin to become photo-toxic, increasing your chances of sun burn, however, most good suppliers sell bergamot FCF which is bergaptene free. Restrict use of bergamot to night time/winter months, or use bergamot FCF all year round! NEVER apply undiluted to the skin. NEVER take internally.

Properties

Anti-depressant, anti-viral, antiseptic, stimulates circulation, calming to digestive system, tonic for urinary tract, relaxing, relieves anger, anxiety, despair, and worry.

Chakras and colour

Bergamot resonates with the sacral and solar plexus chakras and carries the energies of green, yellow and orange. Yellow relates to the solar plexus chakra, our inner sun, and orange to the deep mysteries held within the womb, and our creativity. The green represents the heart chakra and is a very healing colour, for it is the colour that is easiest for our eyes to see. Our fight or flight response comes from our solar plexus. This gets very tired with PMDD. Bergamot helps to feed that chakra, and along with that, the orange heals our sacral area, our womb, our relationships. In all of this, there is some green, which comes from an open heart, to bring love and optimism.

The wisdom held within Bergamot is to open your heart, lighten the shadows and bring light and laughter. It is always there to hold you and lift the load, all you have to do is ask. It gives us hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, and relieves our pain a little, so we can carry on. It encourages concentration, confidence, balance, strength, joy, motivation and good cheer.

Bergamot is for those day when you just feel you need a boost. You may feel tired, but have had enough sleep, you may feel lost, or lonely. Bergamot will relax you, carry away your tension, while at the same time, it will help to uplift your thoughts and lighten the burden for a while. Take a bergamot bath in the morning to lift your spirits and brighten your mood, or in the evening to relax and comfort.

PMDD Crisis Guide - The Mental Realm of PMDD

2011-04-11T21:21:00.002+01:00

Apologies for the length of time it's taken to get this blog up... Life has been pretty hectic (as usual)
Hope this helps you in some way...

You can find the Introduction here.. and the Physical Realm here.

The Mental Realm

This realm is where you will find your thoughts, and inevitably, the things you say. Over time this realm is programmed with reactions and responses to things that you are told, or things that happen around you. This realm for a PMDD sufferer is usually very chaotic.

During the hormonal changes in a woman's cycle, her body will undergo changes and present physical problems. These are a little easier to deal with than the changes that go on in the mind during this time.

This is probably best represented by the term, 'mood swings' although that would suggest the problem is just an emotional one. It isn't. The chemical changes in the body actually create false moods, which often bring about 'false thinking'.

A PMDD sufferer will experience random thoughts, seemingly crazy thoughts during their 'bad' time of the month. Thinking outwardly becomes impossible. Seeing the bigger picture seems impossible. All thoughts become inward and bad memories surface. Reactions to what people say, can trigger a negative spiral of thinking that can be overwhelming.

For me, it's like a constant battle in my head. I KNOW how I would normally react, what I would normally think, but during that time, things are not normal. I begin thinking I'm the worst person in the world, that my kids would be better off without me. I think about my past and all the painful things that have happened. I think people should leave me alone, not bother with me.. I lose all my self esteem and belief. All the things that normally get me through no longer work... The clothes I wore last week don't look right, even though it's the exact same outfit. I look in the mirror and see something completely different. This change in perception is quite common in all women who suffer from PMS, but when it means you don't leave the house because you have tried on 10 outfits, are full of tears, anxious, stressed out and frustrated, you know you are suffering from something worse.

My thoughts spiral out of control during my PMDD time, but I am learning to control them. Realising that your thoughts are not really your truth, takes time to happen. I often say... 'In my good head, I know this is true... but right now, I think that blah negative blah' I can recognise what I would think if I were in a good week, and what I am actually thinking. Dealing with the emotions that these bad thoughts bring up is harder than trying to control the thoughts, but keeping your thoughts in check goes a long way to steering a breakdown off course.

After talking to many women who have PMDD, it is obvious that they all feel like 'Jekyll and Hyde'. In fact, you will find that term used quite often when describing PMDD.

A woman with PMDD will find herself thinking about abandoning her kids, and how she'd do it, and how she'd get away. Or leaving family, friends or job. She may think the answer is suicide and spend many hours debating suicide, going through plans or writing her note to leave behind. She may think about drinking till she sleeps, or hurting herself. Her thoughts will turn to guilt, and she'll sit and think about all the damage she has done to her family or friendships, how lonely she is, how no one will ever understand. I know this to be true because I have done all these things, on repeat... for years. These thoughts are what drive people to harm themselves, along with the negative emotions, and it's why it is important to try and get these thoughts under control.

What also changes at this time of the month is the way you speak. This is governed by your feelings, and the things that are going on in your head. A chilled out, mild manner woman, will turn into a screaming, shouting, crazy, scary beast. You think I'm joking? This is one area the most damage can be done to your family and friends. The things you say. I would bet that every woman with PMDD has had an episode, and when the storm has died down, has had to think about what she has said to the people she loves. Nasty, spiteful, bitchy, outrageous things. Stuff you would never let leave your mouth. Goddess forbid you argue or fight with a PMDD woman having a bad episode.... Sanity has left the room. Like a caged animal, you want to fight. You are feeling so tired, so low, frustrated, wired, scared, you want to die, you don't care what happens. In you head, your mind is telling you you are terrible, shameful, worthless, then it tells you you will never get away from this nightmare, you will have to do this till the day you die. You worry about every aspect of your life. Will my partner stay with me? What if I hurt my kids? How can I keep doing this? I'm tired... oh so tired... I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.... What will happen if I just walk out the front door now. Mind is on OVERDRIVE.

There is a great lyric, by one of my favourite 'bands'.

How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood, And then just be.. in.. a good mood?

Dan le Sac vs Scroobious Pip - Waiting for the beat to kick in.

Ha.. yes, it's a man talking, and he has never experienced PMDD, but sometimes, you do HAVE to just decide to have a better day! FOCUS on having a better day. Focus on other things other than the thoughts.

Writing or creative outlets can help focus the mind on other things. Baking a cake, going for a walk, going to the library. Having a job can be a great focus... Distraction, distraction, distraction.

If you cant work, volunteer.. or use your time more wisely. It is too easy to let yourself dwell on the past, and mistake hormonal thoughts for the truth. It's easy to let yourself spiral. It's much harder to find the strength to change your thoughts.

Some days, it is too hard to get out of the spiral. Some days, you just CAN'T. So what do you do?

Allow the thoughts to come, acknowledge them, then let them go. It's holding on almost compulsively to negative thoughts that feeds the downward spiral. You can even start talking to yourself (assuming you don't already!) and by that I mean...

'Oh hello, negative thought... what was that? I am crap mother?'

'Yes.. you are the worst mother ever, look at you, you hardly take the kids out anywhere, and most the time you are so caught up in your selfish head, You are so selfish. You slept the whole day away and someone else looked after your kids... '

Now this can go two ways.... You can either agree, or totally kick it's ass.

'So, you think I'm a bad Mum? Who else cooks for the kids and washes their clothes? Who else finds things to do on a shoe-string? Who else creates a tea party in the garden, with 5 mins notice? I have seen my kids through everything, to the best of my ability... I love them, I put 100% in when I can, and when I can't, I may sleep, or be a bit distant, but isn't that better than screaming and shouting at them. I am not a bad Mum, and will not accept that. Next?

'You dont have a life.. you sit on your fat arse all day, and never go out. What career have you got? People think you are a sponger, you drain everyone. Your friends never ask you out, cos you never go. You might as well be dead'

(Are you going to take that?)

'Of course I have a life! I'm here aren't I? I have this and that, and am planning on doing lots of things in the future. Just because things have been difficult, doesn't mean I will always be like this. I do have friends! And the ones that don't bother with me, aren't worth worrying about. I'm happier with a few close friends, doesnt mean I'm not liked. I give what I can to others, when I can, so, NO, I dont accept that, today I'm feeling vulnerable and a bit depressed, but thats today. Not tomorrow.. or forever...'

Don't commit the future by how you are thinking or feeling on a bad day.

If you can learn to remain calm, and blow up every negative with a missile of positive you will soon feel stronger and more in control.

We often feel we need outside help, but there is much that can be done by you, by just changing your thoughts.

If you feel you would like more professional help with your thoughts, I would recommend looking into CBT – Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, which helps you to define your thinking patterns so you can begin to change them, and NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming, which helps you learn about your own ways of communicating and has an excellent way of re-shaping the way you perceive yourself, others and your thoughts and words..

We only use about 20% of our brains, and unfortunately, with PMDD sufferers, we have created such strong neural pathways, that we really do end up in one cycle of thinking. The connections our brain first started making years ago, that created the chemical imbalance, have become stronger and stronger. The more you sit back and allow it to happen, the more the brain feeds off the same thinking patterns. By attempting to break the cycle of negative thinking, you can start re-training your thoughts to support you, be your friend, rather than be your enemy.

Be careful of your thoughts, for your thought become your words.

Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.

Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.

Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.

Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.

Author unknown

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." A Einstein

Next realm... The stormy seas of emotion!

Aromatherapy for PMDD - Clary Sage

2011-03-18T17:03:00.008Z

Lets kick off this new series with possibly one of the best oils for PMS and PMDD!

Clary sage – Salvia Sclarea

This oil is taken from a type of sage that is much safer for use in aromatherapy. Sage (salvia officinale) should not be used as it is toxic to the human body. In PMDD it can be used to relieve spasms and cramps. It is a super relaxant, to the point of drowsiness in some people, so best used at night time or if you are driving etc It can help to relieve headaches and general tension in the body. It is very warming, and stress-relieving. It can encourage menstrual flow, so if heavy bleeding is a problem for you, it's best to use it in first half of cycle. It is an aphrodisiac and can help give you a libido boost. Great in a massage oil for couples! It balances sebum production, regulating oily skin, and helping to prevent breakouts. This is the best oil for anxiety and feelings of restriction to the chest, asthma, or panic attacks. The anti-spasmodic action can relax chest muscles and tightness in the chest.

Please use caution if you have consumed alcohol. Clary sage can enhance the effects and you may find yourself feeling rotten. It is best to stay away from alcohol if you are using clary sage. If you find yourself in a lasting deep depression, as sometimes happens with PMDD, please note that clary sage's sedative, relaxing and euphoric effect could actually hinder you recovering your energy. Use wisely, respect the energy in the bottle.

Properties

Anti-depressant, anti-spasmodic, muscle relaxant, euphoric, sedative, warming, tonic, emmenagogue, sebum balancing, aphrodisiac.

Chakras and colour

It resonates with the base and crown chakra, and carries the energies of magenta and violet. The base and crown chakras are at opposite ends of the body, one near the ground and one above our head, like PMDD this oil contains both sides, alternate ends of the spectrum. The colours of magenta and violet are feminine and spiritual. Magenta is a rich vibrant mix of red, like our menstrual blood and firey passion, and blue, which could be seen as our blue time, our down time. Together it makes magenta pink, the colour of our femininity and love. Violet is the colour found halfway between blue and magenta. Violet is the highest colour in the visible spectrum. It is cool and calming, and connects to the crown chakra.

The wisdom carried in clary sage tells us that we should be satisfied with our achievements. It helps us to understand that most of our problems exist in our imagination, and that all issues will be resolved eventually. Clary sage brings us a peace and asks us to forget. It helps us to focus on contacting the inner spirit. It promotes contentment and a loving heart. I encourages calm, confidence, grounding, regeneration, tranquillity, revitalisation, balance and restoration.

'Salvia' is derived from the Latin for 'good health' and has come to mean wisdom, as in 'the sages'. It's medieval name was 'Clear Eye', the name 'clary' is derived from the Latin word 'clarus' meaning clear. In the middle ages it was known as "Oculus Christi" the "eyes of Christ" and was used to cure eye disorders, heal visual problems and remove foreign bodies from the eye. I'd like to think this is also reference to clary sage's ability to encourage dreaming, the fact that it relates to our use of the word sage as wisdom, and carries the vibrations and colour of the crown chakra.

Clary sage is a deeply spiritual oil, perfect for sending us into a deep dreamy sleep, to awaken and connect with our inner voice and keep us calm. During menstruation we are already have a deeper connection to our inner guidance and creativity, on those days when we need to retreat and sleep, curl up, be warm and feel comforted, a clary sage bath can help us surrender.

To read some basic information on buying, using and storing essential oils , please see my Aromatherapy for PMDD page.

Aromatherapy for PMDD

2011-03-18T16:49:00.005Z

This article is also available as a permanent page on my blog. Each oil will be covered in detail over the coming weeks. The following information is intended to help people buy, use and store oils safely in their own home. Please be sensible. Follow safety precautions, recommended dilutions and if in doubt, contact a qualified aromatherapist. Feel free to leave me a comment.

This article can be used for regular PMS/PMT, will help to support the female cycle, bring relaxation and promote well being in general.

I qualified as an aromatherapist over 10 years ago. Over the years I have experimented with many oils, and helped treat others. I stopped working professionally after I had my children, but have never stopped used the oils, and treating my family and friends.

There is no doubt in my mind that essential oils and aromatherapy can bring massive relief to the symptoms of PMDD. Taking an aromatherapy bath, is the simplest and safest way to use essential oils, and can become a part of your PMDD toolbox. A bath is relaxing in itself, but adding essential oils can create a much deeper experience, and the effects will stay with you for a while.

I will be looking at a few oils, that can become part of your coping strategies for when you hit the turmoil of PMDD. You will learn about what the oil can do for you on the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual plane. It is important to vary the essential oils you use. Persistent, regular use of one oil, can lead to the body becoming sensitised to the oil and can cause irritation. I would suggest buying 3 oils, and use them alternately or make up your own blends by adding 2 or more oils to the blend. So long as you stay within the recommended dilution, you can mix whatever oils you want. It is best to stick to no more than 3 different oils in a blend.

All essential oils should be added to a 'carrier'. Essential oils are highly concentrated and not suitable for direct application tot he skin. Carrier's for essential oils are usually oil based, so the essential oil has something to blend into and dilute. Pure, cold pressed nut and seed oils are excellent, natural oils, full of vitamins for your skin, They don't contain any additives or nasties, and can be used plain too. Essential oils mixed with a carrier oil, can then be massaged into the skin, or added to the bath. Butters can be used as a carriers in baths, as well as full fat milk!

Safe dilutions for home use are as follows. Please read individual oil information for safety advice specific to each oil.

Recipes for baths:

1-2 tsp (5-10ml) of cold pressed oil + 4-6 drops of essential oil
1/2-1 pint of full fat milk + 4-6 drops of essential oil
Heaped teaspoon of butter + 4-6 drops of essential oil

Put ingredients into a warm (not HOT) bath. If the bath is too hot, all the vapours will end straight up on the ceiling! Butter or solid oils melt easier if placed under the stream of hot water, or placed into bath before running the cold tap. If your are only using one oil, use 4 drops, if using a blend add up to 6 drops (e.g. lavender 3 drops, geranium 3 drops)

Recipes for massage oil:

10ml oil + 6 drops of essential oil
20-25ml oil + 12 drops of essential oil

Put drops into small brown bottle of oil, shake well to blend, and remember to label whats in it!

If you have very sensitive skin, it would be best to try a lower dilution. You will still get all the benefits, some people say that a lower dilution can sometime have a more healing effect, just look at homeopathy. The active ingredient is like a drop in an ocean, but the energy is there.

Cold pressed oils:
Sweet almond, grapeseed, extra virgin olive, apricot kernal, coconut, castor. There are many different cold pressed oils available, depending on your skin type and budget. The oils I have listed are the cheaper options. You may even have extra virgin olive oil in your kitchen!

Solid butters and oils:
Pure unrefined shea butter, virgin coconut oil

All are moisturising and will help seal the skin without blocking pores. The vitamins in the oil can be absorbed by the skin and will help to nourish the body.

The effects of the oil will continue for the next day or so. Make sure you eat healthily. Light meals, little and often, and avoid take out. Avoid alcohol and caffeine. Aromatherapy baths will help your body to release toxins, emotions and stress, so drink plenty of water or herbal/fruit teas to help your body cleanse and rinse out toxins. You may experience a healing crisis, this is normal but can worry some people into thinking the oils aren't helping.

A word on the healing crisis.
A 'healing crisis' is a term used in alternative therapies. It relates to the effects of extra toxins being released into your system after a massage, aromatherapy bath, reflexology or any other holistic treatment. It is normal to see a slight worsening of symptoms, headaches, feeling groggy or slightly spaced out after a holistic treatment. This should last no more than 48 hours and can be helped by following the above advice regarding diet and fresh water. Ultimately, it will aid your healing, and allow your body to cleanse, revive and restore.

Buying essential oils
Always make sure you buy oils using the Latin name, along with the common name. It should be called 100% pure essential oil. If it's called fragrance oil, or essence, or blend, it's not essential oil. If the shop cant be bothered to provide the Latin name, they probably aren't bothered by quality either. The best suppliers will be able to supply data sheets for each oil to prove they have been tested for the chemical composition. Look for quality. A little goes a long way, and you will really only need 5ml-10ml bottles. There are organic oils available if that's your thang, and some companies are approved by soil association or fair trade organisations. Citrus and other fruit oils will have a shorter shelf life (around 9-12 months), so it's better to buy small and use it all up and then buy in fresh. Old oils lose their properties and their smell. There is a higher risk or skin sensitivity if you use oils that are past their best, especially citrus oils. Most oils will last about 2 years. Resin oils, tend to improve with age.

Storing essential oils

Essential oils react to light, heat and air, so should be purchased in dark brown bottles and stored in a closed box. Do not leave the lid off the bottle as this will cause the oil to spoil quicker. Essential oils are highly flammable, so take extra care of you have lit candles, and make sure they are not stored anywhere too warm. Keep out of the reach of children and never, ever, take internally. It would take just one teaspoon of eucalyptus oil to be fatal.

The following oils are my recommendations for treating the symptoms of PMDD.

Essential oils for PMDD:

Click links for more info on each oil

Clary Sage - Salvia sclarea

Lavender - Lavendula officinale

Rosemary - Rosemarinus officinale

Basil - Ocimum basilicum

Bergamot - Citrus bergamia

Grapefruit - Citrus paradisi

Sweet orange - Citrus aurantium

Geranium - Pelargonium graveolens

Rose - Rosa centifolia or otto

Neroli - Citrus aurantium var amara

Peppermint - Mentha piperita

by Cat Stone - Aromatherapist ICHT IHHT

Colouring mandalas - a tool for coping with PMDD

2011-03-07T12:55:00.003Z

Mandala is the Sanskrit word for 'circle or wheel'. Circular designs have been used throughout the ages in religious ceremonies, to decorate spiritual buildings, protect homes and for meditation.

The circle represents so many things that are familiar to us. The Earth we live on, the eyes we look into, the Moon, Sun... Circles and cycles, a forward movement that takes us round and round. The seasons, our days and nights, our menstrual cycles, life and death.

If you drop a pebble into a lake, the rings, ever increasing ripple out wards. The orbits of our planets, flowers, tree rings, crop circles, wheels... you can see mandalas everywhere.

The practice of colouring a mandala, or doing a mandala meditation, is a way to promote good health, and aid relaxation. By focusing on a mandala, and colouring, you allow your brain to calm. The swirling thoughts and stress, is quietened with a need to do no more than fill a space with colour. During the ups and downs of PMDD, there are times when you just don't know what to do with yourself. Making decisions becomes impossible along with taking in information. Loud noises, repetitive noises, arguments, all add to fuel, an already stoked fire of hormones and feelings.

By taking an hour or so, maybe in the evening before bed, while watching rubbish on telly, or in the afternoon when the kids are at school, you can help to give your tired and overworked brain a rest.

The only thing there is to worry about, is what colour you will use.

If you want to make the experience even more centering and calming, turn off the TV, and work to some of your favourite music, or silence, listening to the sounds outside. Light a candle, place a crystal on the table, or light some incense.

Sit with your chosen mandala. You will find free downloads on my art website or plenty in a google search, ready to print off and colour. Look at your colours. Whether they are pencils, oil pastels, paint (remember that paint on printer paper isn't always the best combo), just choose a colour. Whatever you are most drawn to. Pick a part of the design to start with and colour!

The next colour will come, and the next and before you know it, you're on your way to finishing your mandala. No need to think, no need to make big decisions.

The benefits in colouring mandalas are quite amazing. Finding the centre, journeying within, allowing yourself to be calm, are all ways to aid relaxation and de-stress.

The benefits of meditation have been documented and include:

slower breathing and heart rate
increase in blood flow
brings blood pressure back to normal
reduces anxiety levels
decreases tension in the muscles
increases serotonin production
helps in dealing with chronic illness
builds self-confidence
reduces PMS
enhances immune system
reduces emotional distress

It is especially important for women to meditate regularly. The benefits for women include a deeper understanding of who 'they' are. It is easy to become lost in life. Being a mum, wife, lover, sister, daughter.. the emotional pressures are endless. Meditating on a mandala, giving yourself time to contemplate, who you are, what your feelings are, what you want from life, can help you find your path, your direction. The calm can leave space for intuition. For instinct. It can help you make those big decisions, to find the confidence to start something and see it through to the end. By starting small, you can build up.

Click here to see more of Cat's mandalas.

Colouring a mandala is one of the easiest ways to meditate. It is hard to train yourself to just sit, do nothing, think about nothing... but it is easy enough to move your thoughts to something simpler.

Colouring takes us back to our childhood, to good times, of just laying on the floor, tongue out, scribbling away at a picture of a butterfly. PMDD is so stressful, so tiring, it screws everything up in your head till you snap. Sit down, and do something simple. Colour a mandala.

I draw new mandalas regularly, and have set up a download site, where you can download mandala colouring pages for FREE.

It's simple, cheap and no drawing talent or ability is required! Have a go!

The Red Lotus

2011-02-14T18:02:00.002Z

I had the urge to create a PMDD Mandala.
The lotus flower is rich in symbolism, and is often used in Mandalas.

The lotus flower starts it's life deep down in the murky mud at the bottom of a lake. Through sheer determination and lust for life, the lotus grows a stem to the water's surface, where it produces the most beautiful flower.
The lotus flower will open and close with the sun. While it is closed, it is reserving heat and precious energy, ready to bloom again the next day. It represents the struggle of life, the beautiful bloom at the end of a long hard journey.

I have often felt that the periods of down time and bad days are a time when the world has to stop, our focus is drawn inwards. We heal, we work out our 'stuff', we re-energise. A lady with PMDD would be forgiven for hating the bad times, for all the set backs it causes and all the old memories re-lived, but maybe it helps to see this time as a way to rest and learn from the thought's we have. This is all easier said then done, but whats the alternative? Live in constant fear, in anger and frustration? Like the mandala, we need to find a centre. A place where we can find a calm.

Only today, I have had a day of barely speaking to anyone. I am due on any day now. I can feel it getting close, and I draw within, I hardly speak (which if you know the 'good' me, you know thats not right!). I sat in silence for hours today. Writing, reading, thinking.. I had a long hot bath and then a rest and snooze in bed. I had kept calm all day. But I'd been alone. The kids get home from school and within minutes I'd began screaming and yelling. I start feeling anxious and stressed. I want to cry.
The anger builds up because I want to be alone. I want to keep that calm, cos if I don't it's like a spinning top losing it's centre. I lock myself away in the kitchen, I provide food, drink and allow the eldest to go out - the more she is away from me at this time the better... and that's not because I don't love her. I just want... need, to be alone.

The lotus flower is special to various religions. In Egypt it is said the Sun rose out of a lotus flower. In Buddhism, a red lotus represents the heart--its purity, original nature, compassion, passion and love. Red also relates to our menstrual blood, our anger, rage and pain. In Hinduism, the lotus also means non-attachment.
Non-attachment means being able to release an attachment to an outcome. For instance, you say you will meet a friend for a cuppa, but you wake up that morning and are feeling terrible. The PMDD has thrown the mother of all moods, or headache, or cramps (insert any other symptom here that stops you from being able to leave the house) and you realise you aren't going to be able to go. If you are attached to the idea of that meeting and it doesn't happen, you will feel bad, guilty, stressed. You may feel like your friend will never speak to you again (another attachment), you may feel like you are rubbish, that you upset everyone around you, everyone must hate you, or maybe you are just really gutted, you never get to go out, you never get to meet up with people... spiraling out of control till your day becomes unbearable.
If you can release those thoughts and the attachments you give to outcomes (and remember you are not in a great head space to be giving positive thoughts) then you can stop all the stressing. So your day didn't go to plan, so you feel awful, SO WHAT? Use that day to look after yourself, to listen to the good voices within, to create, to rest, sleep, bake, draw... anything that just involves you and your Goddess of God. Don't sweat the small stuff, just change your day.

Many things in life are paradoxes. One can be totally devoted to someone and yet be non-attached. Now there is a difference between non-attachment and detachment. Detachment is to exclude oneself from all activities of life and just to be far away, to become reclusive. To be non-attached is to be able to partake of every activity of the mind and body and spirit and yet be above it all. Now, when ones goes into detachment, it could be a form of escape, where one does not face up to the responsibilities.

The lunar phases around the lotus represent the eternal cycle of PMDD we are locked in. The Moon represents the feminine, the unknown, the unconscious. It cycles every month, just like us, and goes from dark to light.

We need to try and use our cycle to our benefit, even if that benefit is small. Even if you just stop beating yourself up on the bad days, and just accept this is part of your flow, look after yourself and stay calm. Everything in life goes through cycles, ours just happen to be monthly and difficult.

The Stone Child

2011-02-14T09:45:00.002Z

The Stone Child – An Inuit Story
Told by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

There was an orphan that was so lonely and so hungry that no one wanted to be near him. His mouth was open all the time and his teeth were always showing and tears were always running down from his eyes, and he was so wild with hunger that they had to tie him in the entrance to one of the skin houses so he’d not try to eat the hunters on their way to the seal hunt; that’s how hungry he was.

They would, on occasion, leave him some rancid reindeer meat or maybe some spoiled intestines to eat, but, as we know, it was more than hunger that was gnawing at him. Those deep needs that not even the person themselves understands. So everyday he stretched his chain a little bit and a little bit more, until he could get near a stone that was more or less the same size as himself. You see, his mother and father had died one night, and their bodies had been dragged off by bears, and all that had been left behind by them was this one particular stone. So he wrapped both his arms and his legs around that rock and he wouldn’t let go of it. And, of course, his people thought he was crazier than ever, and on their way home from the hunt, with animal carcasses slung over their shoulders, they would jeer at him, and they would say, “Analuk has taken a stone for a wife, ha ha. It’s good for you to have a wife who is a stone, for then you cannot use your hunger and eat her.” And they went on their way.

But the boy was so lonely and so hungry that he really had reached the end of his feeling for life. And even though he had that terrible loneliness and that gnawing hunger, he kept his body wrapped around that stone, and because the stone began to take the heat from his flesh, the boy began to die. The stone took the heat from his hands, and then it took the heat from his thighs, and it even took the heat from his chin where he rested it on top of the stone.

And just as the boy was living his last breath, the hunters of his village came by again on their way home from the hunt, and again they called him down, and they said, “You crazy boy! You are nesting with that stone like it is an egg. We should call you Bird Boy, you good-for-nothing creature.” And because the boy was near death, his feelings were hurt more than he could ever say, and great icy tears began to roll down his face and across his parka, and his cold, cold tears hit the hot, hot stone with a sizzle and a hiss and a crack, and it broke the stone right in two.

And inside was the most perfect little female the boy could ever want. “Come,” she said, “I am here now, and you are an orphan no more.” And she gave him a bow and arrows and a harpoon she had brought with her, and the boy and the girl made their house and had babies. And, if they are not yet dead, they are in that land where the snow is violet and the night sky is black. They are there, living still.

"The original abandonment, the original abuse, the original horror has some reason and meaning in it. It is not senseless. It is not like being run down like a dog on the highway. Its meaning most often is the development of tremendous strength, tremendous power, tremendous intuition. And I will tell you frankly that most of the people who are the greatest healers living on the face of this earth are unmothered children. One of the great gifts of the unmothered child - and also the healer, and the writer and the musician and all those in the arts who live so close with their ear against the heartbeat of the archetypal unconscious - one of their strongest aspects is intuition."

"Be proud of your scars. They have everything to do with your strength, and what you've endured. They're a treasure map to the deep self."

(Quotes and transcript from the CD - Available HERE)

Thats me... the Stone Child. The feeling of not belonging, of not being needed, or being dismissed and dumped is all too powerful at the moment. I've been lost in a painting for over 5 days now, but the pain, the old feelings that recent events have dredged up are trying to tip me over the edge. The internal battling of rational and irrational is tiring me out. Trouble is, the irrational isn't actually irrational. It's normal when you have grown up an umothered child.

I have warmed, I have love in my life, but that connection to parents feels like it is forever lost. At the centre It still feels like stone. It still feels like a huge burden to bear. A burden that my gorgeous partner helps me to carry, with his patience and understanding, whether he realises it or not. It's our 2 year anniversary today, and he has helped me heal myself. He has helped me learn how to accept love and what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. I have never felt so secure with someone ever before. I am still healing, and maybe I will never feel like I'm free of the heavy stones I carry, but I'm in love, and I am loved, and that gives me the strength to keep on going, regardless of the weight of my past.

Happy Valentines xx

Be a strong woman...

2011-01-14T00:32:00.000Z

The Goddess Durga

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." ~ Mother Teresa

"Pick the day. Enjoy it - to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come... The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future." ~ Audrey Hepburn

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." ~ Helen Keller

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." ~ Maya Angelou

My personal favourite

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson, popular spiritual activist, author, lecturer.

PMDD Crisis Guide - The Physical Realm of PMDD

2011-01-12T12:53:00.000Z

You can find the intro to this guide HERE.

This is an easy 'realm' to understand. It's the one we are most aware of.

This is where PMDD is manifesting in most cases. There are many theories, from an imbalance or sensitivity to hormones, to a bug that lives in your system called H-Pylori. One thing that is common, is that it is hormonal, cyclical and very hard to treat. Treatment is different for all women, and many have to try various medications and treatments before they find one that works.

Physical symptoms of PMDD are much like that of PMS. Bloating, painful breasts, cramps, heavy bleeding, back ache, digestive problems and insomnia, to name a few. Tiredness and lethargy is also a big problem, some days, it is hard to even get out of bed.

Weight problems can occur due to the imbalance in hormones, sporadic eating habits and lack of exercise. Acne is another troublesome physical symptom. I for one get new spots every time I ovulate or menstruate. These spots are hard, painful and more like boils. They take ages to clear up and often leave scars.

To start treating the physical symptoms (and in turn, improving your general well being) a plan of action should be devised. In it's most simple form, you should have a check-list that covers your body's basic needs. Maybe you can see it as a tool kit.

Exercise

We can actually take charge of this aspect quite easily. We can change what we eat and how much exercise we do. We have control over that. It is well known that exercise helps to relieve stress, keep the body healthy and can relieve cramps. It is easy to feel out of control when you suffer from PMDD, so by taking control over this aspect of your health, you can feel more in control of yourself in general. Sometimes, leaving the house before you blow is a good option. A brisk walk round the block will help you calm down, think, and work off some of that pent up energy. I'm sure most PMDD women go around like a coiled spring, just waiting to ping. This is energy waiting to come out. You could use it in a healthy way, or you can wait for the volcano to blow, inevitably hurting those around you with words or your own actions. Punching pillows helps... although in my house, (and I'm not proud of it) I am chief door slammer. It's the pent up energy that turns into rage. If you don't release this energy you will feel anger, you will feel rage, you will feel like fighting.

Try and incorporate some form of exercise into your daily routine. Getting outside really helps, maybe for a walk or bike ride. Join a Yoga class. This is the best way to learn to relax too, and become more sensitive to your body and what it's telling you. If nothing else, stick on your favourite album and dance and sing round the living room!

Stress

A special mention here goes to Stress. We underestimate how much stress can affect our body. Stress is not just in your head, stress affects every cell of your body. When we get stressed, our body reacts, putting a strain on our adrenal glands. In genuine situations, this reaction (known as fight or flight) can save our lives. When we are constantly stressing ourselves sick over our illness, weight, money, kids... we are abusing those reactions and leaving our bodies exhausted. Stress puts added pressure onto our hearts and can tie our stomach up in knots leading to erratic eating habits and IBS. You can overwork your adrenal glands, so they become so tired they don't function properly. This is when you health will really suffer and you will more than likely hit rock bottom. Your immune system will be lower, your 'feel good' hormones (serotonin), will be depleted and you will feel lethargic and depressed. Physical activity has been proven to help relieve stress, and should be a regular part of your tool kit.

Food and water.

The next simple tool to keeping our moods stable is eating, and drinking water. If I feel myself spiralling out of control, or I've just screamed at the kids for leaving a toy in the wrong place, I have to immediately check whether I have eaten that day. Our moods get worse if we don't eat. Obviously, try and make healthy choices, but it's better to eat than not, so if all you can manage is a piece of toast with jam, then do it. The aim is to try and keep yourself topped up with energy. Little and often is good, and will help keep your blood sugar levels stable.

Dehydration is another problem. If we aren't remembering to eat, we probably aren't drinking enough either. Tea and coffee and alcohol all dehydrates the body. Dehydration leads to mood swings, headaches and fatigue. This in turn can lead to more digestive issues such as constipation.

If we try and run on empty all day, we are setting ourselves up for a screaming rage at teatime, or a sobbing wreck at bedtime. We don't even expect our cars to go far with no fuel in the tank, but are quite happy to do it to our own bodies.

Sleep and rest.

Rest and relaxation should be the next tool in the tool kit. PMDD sufferers can have irregular sleeping patterns. Depending on what part of your cycle you are in, you may feel overwhelmed with tiredness and want to sleep all day, when at other times you cant sleep at all.

Getting plenty of sleep is essential to maintaining a stable mood. If you go to bed at 2am, and are then up for work or the school run at 7am you are going to be tired, whether you have PMDD or not, but add PMDD into that mix and you will have one very grumpy lady. You are more likely to snap, rant, cry, blow your top or worse, if you are tired. If you cant sleep, it is still important to rest your body. Try a long hot bath, meditation, or just lie down and watch a film or listen to music.

Maybe you like to read, or sew, or paint. Taking time for yourself and indulging in your favourite past time will help you relax. It is easy to deny yourself these little things, to write them off as unimportant, and say, 'how can I possibly deserve to sit here and enjoy myself when I'm such an awful person' or ' I cant take time out for myself, what about the washing up.. cooking tea... etc' If you like.. I'll give you permission! In fact, even better... I'll prescribe it!

Light.

Get out into natural light. The winter brings S.A.D. Seasonal Affective Disorder. If you are already sensitive to hormones, stress etc, you may find the winter becomes a hard time of the year. Low levels of light takes it's toll on energy levels and you may find yourself more depressed in the winter. If it's really severe, on top of the PMDD, you may find it hard to get up, stay awake in the daytime, or your depression and anxiety can worsen. Light boxes work well, but if you can't afford one, just make sure you get out in any sunshine (when we get it), put lights on in the house, and be kind to yourself. It is easy to assume your PMDD is getting worse in the winter, but it's more likely to be the added darkness of S.A.D.

Writing.

OK, so why would this be on the list? Because it's a physical activity. It anchors thoughts down on paper. Thoughts are like air, they flit and change. Writing things down, gets things out of you head and into the physical world. Keeping a diary, writing lists or post it notes helps you to keep track of your mind. Sometimes, making a plan on paper, is the difference to a day saved, or a day lost. Making lists will help you organise. Crossing off stuff on the list will give you a feeling of achievement. EVEN IF that list is nothing more than..

brush teeth
take kids to school
wash up dishes
go for a walk
EAT
have a shower

You will find you get more done by having a reminder list.

It is good to write out your feelings. If you feel weird about other people reading them, then keep a diary for yourself. If you feel you can share with other sufferers, even if it's under a false name, you should think about setting up a blog. Writing get things out of our system. The physical activity of sitting and focussing, helps us to become calmer.

Self destruction

If you suffer with PMDD you will know all about self destruction. My ability to cope with symptoms fluctuates. When I hit a low, and get ill, I forget about all the things I 'should' do. I spiral out of control and turn inwards. I become self-hating, self-destructing and down right cruel and hard on myself. Sometimes, holding onto sanity becomes too much in itself, and I let go. I free fall, I become some caught up in myself, I cant think about others. I can get really depressed and suicidal. I don't eat. I survive. I pass every hour in the day, waiting for bed, so I can try and start a fresh the next day. If I really want to hurt myself, I'll drink. Alcohol is not my friend, but I'll drink, because I hate myself, everyone must hate me, I want to hurt myself, I don't want this life, everything is wrong, why am I like this? I hate you.. and you.. why did I have kids? I'm a rubbish mother, I don't deserve them... Sound familiar? It will if you have PMDD.

Self destructive behaviour helps no-one. It's the thoughts in your head that create this spiral. I will talk about the mental/thinking realm in my next post.

Physical self destruction is something you can control. If you know you will drink yourself silly, then stay away from the bottle. If you are suicidal, then stay away from dangers, risks.. like driving for instance.

Remember that not eating or drinking, not looking after yourself, not allowing yourself rest time can all lead to a worsening of PMDD symptoms. You are in control of that. You must look after yourself. Don't allow yourself to self destruct. There is always tomorrow, the feelings will pass, and you will need your body to be there for you.

If you are feeling suicidal and have no-one to talk to, there is always the Samaritans here in UK on 08457 909090 or in the US call 1-800-SUICIDE. Or if you are a member of my Facebook group, there will always be someone around to help you through the bad days..

Next post... The Mental realm of thoughts and PMDD.

PMDD Support on Facebook

2011-01-11T22:55:00.000Z

I now run a PMDD Support group on Facebook. Lots of people have Facebook, for all it's sins... but it can provide a real time space for support and friendship.

If you would like to join in the conversation, meet other suffers, and get support when you need it, feel free to request membership.

As with all forums, especially one that contains lots of women with PMDD, it can get heated, or things can erupt from nothing. I simply ask that we all treat each other with respect, observe our cultural differences, and try and stay calm. Coming on with a rant about your life and the outside world is one thing, but outbursts towards other members is not allowed. None of us are experts, but we all have a personal story to tell, and we all have a common goal, to live a relatively full life while battling with PMDD.

As sufferers we can relate and understand. As some of us slip into the black cloud, there will be others online who are standing there with lights helping us through. Then when their time comes to feel the pressure, we can be there for them.

You have to be logged into Facebook to see the page, and as it is a private group, you will need to request membership. This will be granted within 24 hours. The group also has a chat facility, which is an excellent way to get help or just chat the evening away.

You can find the group HERE.

A PMDD Crisis Guide

2011-01-07T12:50:00.000Z

Recently, I have been feeling much better. This is a real turnaround after many years of feeling like a pendulum swinging back and forth. I feel I have more control. I am coping with my bad days more effectively and achieving more on my good days... AND it's winter!

Up until now, it has been hard to write without getting too emotionally involved, and that's no good if you are trying to help others in an emotional state. I finally feel that I can share some practical advice, and I really hope it helps other women cope with PMDD.

Firstly, here's a little about what I have learned and coped with over the years. I'm not a Doctor, but I am an Aromatherapist, and have researched many therapies and theories over the years. I have also had PMDD for 20 years... since I was 13. I have lived with this disorder all my adult life. I don't remember a time when I wasn't feeling crazy and out of control on a regular basis. I used to believe I was really mentally ill. I just wanted to be taken away and put in a padded cell.

When I look back at this, the desire to be taken away, away from my kids and life, stemmed from the overwhelming feeling of being unable to cope. A week or month in a psychiatric ward looked more like a holiday. A break from the pressure, the relentless cycle of life, bills, kids, shopping, etc.

That never happened. They never took me away. I was a single mum with a 3 year old. No family or friends as I'd just moved to a new area after separating from my adulterous husband and being homeless. I would hit crisis every month. Crisis at this time in my life was volatile... I had been through so much emotional trauma by this time that I was reacting to everything, and was feeling more and more suicidal.

Screaming, frustration, anger, rage and shouting. Throwing things, kicking things, punching, scratching my arms with my own nails, drinking, sobbing, weeping, and suicidal feelings.

I would lose all control over myself. An ex-boyfriend said once that I made no sense while I was having an episode. Words would come out, but he couldn't understand me. I figured I was a raving lunatic. I feared for my daughter. I thought I was an inadequate mother. I felt she should be taken away from me. I digress.... I know that ladies reading this who have PMDD can relate to my story, and those people who don't suffer, will never be able to truly understand how it feels.

The point to my story is that I have been in crisis more times than I care to remember. It's taken me years to understand, years to develop ways of coping, years of trying different meds... I grieve the years I have lost to PMDD, the opportunities lost and the events I've missed.

In everything I study, there are different realms... We live in physical, mental, emotional and spiritual realms. In holistic therapy, we can become unwell or suffer dis-ease in any of the realms. I believe in the theory that everything is interconnected. An illness in the mind can become an illness in the body, and PMDD is a disorder in the body that causes a disorder in the mind.

PMDD is an invisible disorder. Women that suffer look no different to women that don't (unless you count the extra grey hairs and bags under the eyes!). PMDD dis-ables women. It robs them of approximately two thirds of their life, every month, without fail.

PMDD often gets misdiagnosed as Bi-Polar. I asked my Psychiatrist what the difference between the two is, and he said 'Bi-polar sufferers will have periods of time (weeks, sometimes months) when they function normally. Life is relatively normal. Then they will swing, either up or down, again for a longer period of time, and the cycle continues. PMDD works on a much faster cycle. The ups and the downs can be weekly, sometimes even daily, and there is no long period of normal, functioning time.' PMDD sufferers may get a few days in a row of feeling OK, and believe me, there is MUCH to do during those days... sort out problems, fill in forms, do the shopping, clean the house, catch up on work. It all too quickly deteriorates and jobs end up having to wait again till the turmoil is over.

If you can get to the point when you know you're about to explode, when you can recognise the feelings building, when you are aware of your actions, then you have half a chance of diverting disaster. In my next few posts, I will be looking at each 'realm' in turn, and how PMDD affects you on different levels.

This is my interpretation, my opinions, theories and my experiences. One thing is for sure.. although there are a lot of commonalities between PMDD sufferers, what works as a treatment, what helps you get through and survive is usually very different. There is no one way to treat PMDD. I am just sharing my way, in the hope I might be able to help others find their own path through PMDD.

My next post.... PMDD and the physical realm: Looking after the body to look after the mind.

Happy New Year

2011-01-06T17:35:00.000Z

Christmas was actually pretty good. Simple, quiet and over quickly!
The girls had a great time, and I am just relieved it came and went without any upset or trauma.

Life has become very busy recently, so apologies for not getting here as often as I'd like. I've also fallen prey to the dreaded lurgy... I'm hoping to start feeling better soon!

I have a couple of guides I am writing, which I will share with you soon. I had a flash of inspiration over Christmas and have an urge to write, so the next thing is finding the time.

The energies of the New moon eclipse (Jan 4th) this week have been pretty heavy. I've felt things shift since yesterday. My head is clearer and I feel like I have a bit more energy. I'm still focused on 2011's goals, and nothing, but nothing, is gonna stop me from getting where I'm going!

The stars are on my side.

2010-12-14T23:58:00.000Z

Happy-ever-afters are only for fairytales. They don't occur in real life... do they? Actually, sometimes, if you are lucky, an issue gets resolved and stays resolved. Lately, you've been dealing with a problem as persistent as the mythological hydra. Whenever you cut off the head of this monster, two more grow in its place. Now, though, comes a new chapter in the story of your life. Something once difficult is about to become a lot easier. Don't expect trouble to recur once more, just because it has had a habit of doing so.

Horoscope by Jonathan Cainer for 14th Dec 2010

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Pinch me

2010-12-11T15:42:00.001Z

Recent happenings have left me smiling. BIG beaming smiles. I feel like I'm in a dream. I cant share right now, what these things are, but believe me, I am a very, very, happy girl right now.

It's amazing what a spot of good luck can do. This week's events have left me feeling lighter, freer, and a whole lot more positive. My life has turned a corner. Actually it feels like it's been going round the bend for the past two years, but now, I can see the road, straight ahead. I've met amazing people that are still by my side, I've faced many, many challenges, and finally, it feels like I'm the one getting a helping hand, rather than being blocked in every direction.

I had lost faith, and now it has returned. I am thankful for all the bumps I've had during my journey, as each one has offered me a deeper awareness, or it's saved me from following the wrong path.
I can look towards Christmas with happiness, as life is about to start here.. right now...

2011 is looking like it's going to be a blinding year, and for the first time in years, I actually cant wait to welcome in a new year. I have so much I wanna do, share and achieve.

Right now, I'm not doubting, I'm not worrying, I'm not stressing, I'm just floating, knowing that this river is going in the same direction as where I'm heading, where I want be, and where I will be in 2011.

Big Love xx

Conversations with Fae #1

2010-11-29T22:39:00.001Z

'Mum, can I have something to eat?'

'Yes, Fae, I'm going to make you some crumpets'

'Trumpets? Trumpets? I love trumpets... I cant play the trumpet, but I'm good on the clarinet!'

Love her..... :)

Shooting yourself in the foot.

2010-11-23T09:21:00.002Z

I'm so gutted.

Over the past couple of weeks I've been holding together, focussing on my Reflexology studies and trying to keep on top of it. It's great to have a focus, and my days are more structured now, as I have to get homework ready every week.
The other project I was working on was some volunteer work. The plan was to offer my therapist services to a charity organisation that helps women. It offers support, friendship, activities and therapies to women who are struggling to cope with life, family, kids, domestic abuse, drugs...
I went along earlier this year, but I barely used the services, as I find it hard to go along to things, and I was in a pretty bad place at the beginning of this year. It was nice to know it was there if I needed it, and I met my art therapist there every week, although that wasnt arranged through the centre.
I now find myself in an impossible situation. They would love to have me as a therapist there, but they cant allow me to volunteer as I have recently 'used' the service. This means that I cannot volunteer for the next 2 years with them. How ridiculous. Does no-one understand that some people heal and get better in different ways? Being in need does me no good, I feel like it keeps me in that place, it keeps me believing that I cant get out there like everyone else and do something great. If I take on the role of the therapist, my stuff is immediately abandoned and I focus on the client. I feel empowered, I can give good advice, I can listen and share... TWO YEARS... I may not even be living here in 2 years time. That doesnt even give me a chance of volunteering with them in the future. I'm hoping that in 2 years I'll be working part time, earning and supporting my family, keeping busy to keep my head in check. I need volunteer work NOW! to prepare for the next few years.
The organisation even checked with management. I am so angry. I only met 2 other service users, and only attended twice, and that ruins my plans to help, to offer free or low cost aromatherapy and reflexology to other ladies who probably really need it. Right now, I wish I never set foot through their doors, I wish I never asked for help, cos it's really messed up my plan for getting well.
I am wobbling a bit today. Ovulation is due on friday, but I have had really painful cramps for the past few days. I've booked in with the doc as I dont understand why I am getting such bad cramps after my period has ended and quite a few days away from ovulation.
There are other options I can try. Other organisations that may want my services, but I really wanted to help this one, as it specifically helps women just like me! well, it did... it doesnt anymore.

Completely and unintentionally shot myself in the foot and feel really let down... :(

Christmas is coming...

2010-11-14T14:54:00.000Z

I'm beginning to dread it already. It just makes me sad and highlights everything that I dont have, and brings up bad memories from the past.
All the adverts about parties and family... getting dressed up and going out, visiting family, fun, happiness...
Facebook is full of photo's of other people having fun. Why dont I feel that excitement?

Feeling sorry for myself today. I'm frustrated by my thoughts, no-one understands. Oh.. look at all those lovely party clothes, make-up, shoes.... I dont get invited out. I guess friends have given up asking. Who would blame them? I have had invites in the past, to various things, but there's been many times when I cant go. Either moods, or fear has got in the way. I've missed so much in the past, and it just seperates me from everyone else even more. My social life is dead, and Christmas just rubs it in my face.

I dont have lots of family to visit, and they rarely visit me. Some things are just too difficult. It's hard to put my emotions aside when they make me feel physically sick, and my head cant think about much else than everything I'm missing out on. I'm hoping this year will be better than previous ones, but how can I stop the feelings coming up.. how do I ignore them? I cant relax at the moment, I'm stressy and moody and have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I'm angry with myself, frustrated, and I feel stupid. Another weekend written off, and another one closer to Christmas.

I feel lonely. A loner... I never wanted my life to be like this. I always wanted to have lots of friends, be part of something, go out and have fun, but it hasnt ended up like that, and the opportunities dont come anymore.
It's my own fault, and I do realise that, but it doesnt stop it hurting, and it doesnt stop me wishing life was a bit more exciting. Study, kids, housework, bills, moods... and repeat, over, and over again.

I'd happily go to sleep now and wake up at the end of February.

28 days...

2010-11-13T17:49:00.001Z

New PMDD art!!

28 days...

Lighter later - Help fight S A D

2010-11-13T16:42:00.002Z

Since the clocks went back, I have noticed a real change in my mood. Ok, so it's always changing, but I feel like I'm constantly in a heightened state of stress. I'm still managing on the homeopathic tablets, but since the clocks went back, I'm so much more narky than usual. I am noticing it because I had got to quite a calm point with the kids, but for the past 2 or so weeks, I just cant handle them. Stupid outbursts happen before I can even think about counting to 10 and dealing with them in a quiet manner. It's a horrible feeling, almost like you are going to have a heart attack, or burst, or just run screaming from the house until you cant run any further.
I'm guessing a combination of less activity since I did my back in, the darker days and eves, and kids having to be in the house more are all taking thier toll.
I signed up to support the Lighter Later Campaign. I also found out if my MP was supporting the campaign, and was pleased to see he was! so I wrote to thank him, and am avidly waiting the outcome of December 3rd's meeting. 100 MP's need to vote in favour of the movement for it to go to the next stage.
The plan is to change the clocks to GMT+1 in winter and GMT+2 in summer. This would mean we would have migh lighter evenings, in winter and in summer, and there are a whole list of other benefits, including a massive yearly reduction in CO2 emissions, safer evenings for our children and more time for businesses to stay open. You can find the list of benefits here.
It takes a minute to register your support, and about 5 mins to mail your MP from the website.
Britain isnt unfamiliar with this idea, during the war, we all changed our clocks to GMT+1 in winter and GMT+2 in summer, to give us more time to work, grow our own food, and help protect us from nighttime attacks. It makes sense, but people have tried to get the clocks changed this way before and have failed many times. Eight attempts have been made since 1994, and everytime they have ben 'talked out', which means they have discussed it so much they have run out of time to make a desicion.
This time, SHOW YOUR SUPPORT!! it makes sense to change our clocks to make the most of natural daylight, so please go and register your support and spread the word.

Mad week

2010-11-13T15:10:00.000Z

So this week turned out to be a bit crazy! After the article came out, I had journalists on my case. There are a couple of agencies out there who want to help me take my story to national women's magazines or papers.
With this week being one of my 'difficult' ones, it really did my head in. Too many questions, pressure and a sense of urgency that wasnt really needed made my head spin. I didnt get the college work finished that I wanted to, and I've been a bit more stressed out with the girls than usual.

I've had more ideas for art work, and even managed to complete a new piece. It really helped to get my mind off everything else. Simple, and some may say silly, but you'll have to wait and see!!
I was inspired last weekend when my boyfriend and I visited Southampton Art Gallery. We saw the Bridget Riley exhibition. It was amazing. I remember looking at her work in college, but to see it for real, and to learn more about her was inspiring. It's right up my street too! Colour, how it makes you feel, how it works next to other colours, contrasts and movement. Portraying the natural world in it's basic forms of colour and vibrations. I have had some really good ideas for more artwork, and might even go back and see the exhibition again while it's there. I'm always looking for ideas and imagery that helps me to convey the emotions of PMDD, and I have some plans to do some paintings that focus on the colour red. Red rage, seeing red, menstruation, anger, warning, danger, blood, life, fire... all key things that come to mind when I think about my PMDD.... watch this space!!

Extreme PMT made me violent and suicidal

2010-11-09T20:28:00.001Z

My story came out today in the local paper. I am happy with it. I don't like the picture much, I look tired and my face looks puffy... but I guess thats a good representation of what PMDD does to you. I also had a huge spot on my face which has been there for 6 weeks now! Thats just not right.. damn you hormones!

There has been lots of good feedback, and I've been contacted for another story, so maybe this is the start of something. It would be great to be able to raise more awareness about the condition and help other women. getting it recognised by doctors would be a start. A lady on the PMDD Community forum said her doctor said "PMDD isnt a condition here" (meaning the UK) but they do recognise severe PMS... Oh my days...

What I do know is there are only a handful of people (specialists) in the UK, and you gotta be very wealthy or prepared to take out huge loans to get thier help. Doctors dont know what to do, and if they dont believe it exists, what hope has anyone suffering from PMDD?

The Glass Elevator

2010-11-09T01:25:00.001Z

When I was young. I always had this image in my head. I cant recall dreaming it, just that it was an image, there, in my mind.
The image was me, in a glass box. People could see me, I could see them, but they couldn't hear me, or I them. As I've grown older, that image has never left me. It's that feeling of just not being understood, of being different, of difficulty communicating. I'm in a glass box and no-one can hear me. The words would ring through my head. I drew a picture once, when I was about 10, a figure, curled up in a ball, surrounded by a very well practiced box. Just like the ones you learnt to draw in maths, a 3D box, or in art when your learning about perspective. Another picture I recall was one of a fist, coming out of a wall.

My most recent dream, and I rarely remember my dreams, was odd. I can only remember a little, from just before I woke up, I was in a street, but it was full of tall buildings, so, a city, London, or an American city came to mind. I was just walking along, minding my own business, when the feeling came over me that something wasnt right. It suddenly dawned on me that I was alone. Everything was quiet. There was no-one else around. I guess I heard something, or my senses told me to look up, and I saw a glimpse of shadows on a balcony high above me. There were lots of people up there, but all I saw were black shadowy figures. Then, all at once, they threw flour at me. Kinda like flour bombs I suppose, but it didnt feel like a joke, it didnt feel like fun, it felt sinister. I darted around the side of the building, and ran straight into a glass lift. Before I could do anything the lift started to move, but it didnt move straight up, it helter skeltered, up and around the building. It went really fast, and I could see we were getting higher and higher. I couldnt look out, I faced the building. I knew if I looked out over the city, I'd see how high up I was, coupled with how fast it was moving I would feel even more terrified. I woke up, as the lift was getting higher, feeling a bit panicky and weirded out by the whole thing.

Thinking about it.... I think that the feeling alone, and then being pranked by lots of others all in on the joke except you, symbolises how I feel a lot of the time. Excluded. Sometimes by my own doing, but also just by the fact that I end up keeping myself very much to myself, be that through physical anxiety, or emotional craziness, I am always slightly seperated from everyone else. I've always felt like that... Always...
I was interested to see what traditional meaning a lift or elevator had, and found this quite interesting:

To dream that you are ascending in an elevator, represents a rise to status and wealth. You may have risen to a higher level of consciousness and are looking at the world from an elevated viewpoint. If the elevator is moving upward in an out of control fashion or it crashes through the roof, then it indicates that you are being catapulted to a position of power in which you do not yet know how to deal with. You are afraid of the new responsibilities ahead for you.

Descending in an elevator, suggests that you are being grounded or coming back down to reality. It also signifies setbacks and misfortunes. In general, the up and down action of the elevator represents the ups and downs of your life. It also symbolizes emotions and thoughts that are emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious. Alternatively, the dream may have sexual connotations.

To dream that the elevator is out of order or that it is not letting you off, symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control. It may be a reflection of your life or your career. You are feeling stuck in some aspect of your life, whether it is your career, relationship, etc.

To dream that the elevator is moving sideways, means that your efforts are counterproductive. You are going nowhere in your work, relationship or other situation.

So... Am I getting there?
My lift was going up, but sideways at the same time, I also didn't have a choice, it just started moving, and I didnt know when it was going to stop.. The spiral motion of the lift going up, yet round the building, maybe just means that I'm on the 'long way round' that my journey will be longer and harder than others. My efforts can be counter-productive, but a lot of the time thats down to yet another annoying symptom that gets in my way. The fact I was going up, is a good thing right? Despite being out of control, and not knowing where I am going, I was still going up... even if I was scared...

My story in the paper...

2010-11-08T23:02:00.001Z

It comes out... tomorrow!

I'm still a bit nervous about it. I wont know exactly what it says until tomorrow, I dont know what the picture of me is like... and OMG.. I can quite believe it's happened! I guess I'm worried about people I have known in the past seeing it.. people I went to school with, ex-boyfriends... I suppose they will all realise why I was a bit crazy back then!
I am not majorly stressing, as I expect the reality is, that it will come out, the day will pass and no-one will say anything!!
At least I have tried to get the message out... that PMDD is real. It's as debilitating as any other mental health disorder, sometimes more so.. it comes with a whole array of horrible physical symptoms, and trying to find the right treatment for you, is a long and arduous journey. It's like having a force that is constantly working against you, and no matter what you do, it gets you. Even when you are expecting symptoms, you are never quite sure when they will hit, or to what degree. Will it be anger or sadness? frustration and rage, or sucidal feelings? The guilt is sometimes too hard to bear, and the damage sometimes to much to fix.

Today has been spacey. Day 3 of my cycle. I'm pretty calm.. but I cant get focussed on anything. Lots of things I could have done, but didn't. The kids are really stressing me out at the moment, and the headaches... urgh... 4 days of headaches bad enough I have to sit in the dark, or go to bed. My back is still bad, and energy is very low.

Tomorrow will be a quiet day, and I have promised to go easy on myself, but I would like to get a couple of things done that I put off today. A trip to the shop to get a paper, of course, walk the dog, and an early night are the only things planned.

Achieve something, everyday, no matter how small.... words I live by at the moment.

Traveling

2010-11-03T23:31:00.002Z

I drew a card today, Osho Zen Tarot. Thought I'd share:

Life is a continuity always and always. There is no final destination it is going towards. Just the pilgrimage, just the journey in itself is life, not reaching to some point, no goal--just dancing and being in pilgrimage, moving joyously, without bothering about any destination. What will you do by getting to a destination? Nobody has asked this, because everybody is trying to have some destination in life. But the implications... If you really reach the destination of life, then what? Then you will look very embarrassed. Nowhere to go...you have reached to the final destination--and in the journey you have lost everything. You had to lose everything. So standing naked at the final destination, you will look all around like an idiot: what was the point? You were hurrying so hard, and you were worrying so hard, and this is the outcome.

Osho Rinzai: Master of the Irrational Chapter 7

Commentary:
The tiny figure moving on the path through this beautiful landscape is not concerned about the goal. He or she knows that the journey is the goal, the pilgrimage itself is the sacred place. Each step on the path is important in itself. When this card appears in a reading, it indicates a time of movement and change. It may be a physical movement from one place to the next, or an inner movement from one way of being to another. But whatever the case, this card promises that the going will be easy and will bring a sense of adventure and growth; there is no need to struggle or plan too much. The Traveling card also reminds us to accept and embrace the new, just as when we travel to another country with a different culture and environment than the one we are accustomed to. This attitude of openness and acceptance invites new friends and experiences into our lives.

My unglorious summer (and autumn come to that)

2010-11-03T11:44:00.002Z

Dealing with PMDD is hard enough. It's just about bearable if I can keep stress down to a minimum. I had saved up a few quid to go away for a week in August. Somewhere cheap and sunny was the plan, with my boyfriend. The kids were both visiting thier dad's.

A few weeks before I was going to go away on holiday for a break, my car dies. I lived without a car for a month or so, then realised that a holiday abroad wasnt going to happen. My savings needed to go towards a new car. Half my kid free time was spent at home, then I managed to find a suitable car. Problem was, I'd spent everything, and even going camping went out of the window. The stress and extra hassel of not having a car in a rural area, of not going away, of not making good use of the time without my kids, really took it's toll.

I had a back up plan. I had booked a trip to Spain for 4 days in October, on my own. It was a dancing holiday, a retreat. It was going to be my saviour. I was gonna achieve a massive thing if I could travel abroad on my own, and the retreat itself offered great respite, fun, good food, and peace. I was getting really nervous, and had a few wobbles about going. Three days before my planned trip, I started to get excited, and began to compile everything I would need to take, organise what to pack, and borrowed a case etc
Two days before I go, while cleaning and tidying up the house (after taking the little one to school and walking the dog) I bent down to put away a magazine and my back went. Lower back.. a definate PING. I knew immediately that this was not good, and managed to walk like a stiff crippled robot to the kitchen I took a painkiller (one of my usual back pain tablets) and hobble back to the living room. Sitting down was excruciating, and I knew immediately I was stuck on the sofa. None of my neighbours were in, so I had to call my man at work.

I was on the sofa for the rest of the day. The doc faxed over prescriptions for stronger painkillers and muscle relaxants, but there was nothing anyone could do. I knew I wasnt going to be going anywhere. But I kept hoping that I would, as if by a miracle, be better to fly and dance in 2 days time.
It took 4 days untill I could walk without holiding on to everything. That weekend was horrrible. My mind kept reminding me where I should have been, wondering what it would be like, what I would have been like if I had been able to go. I felt sick.

Let's just say it's really knocked me. I had such hopes for what I was going to do when I came back from Spain, energised and excited. But instead, I'm still in pain, still having to be very careful what I do, and every day feels like a waste again. My weight is becoming an issue for me again, but even walking the dog for an hour, means I need to sit down for a while afterwards. I feel 83, not 33.

All in all, a VERY unglorious summer.

Spirituality and PMDD

2010-11-02T23:40:00.000Z

I am a very spiritual person, although not in the conventional sense. In my early teens I was contacting spirits and reading Tarot cards, by 18 I was learning about paganism and the Goddess religions. I followed my path which took me to The Craft, and became a member of a coven. I have never renounced a Christian God, or any other deity from anywhere in the world, and I find myself now following an eclectic mix of beliefs from many places. In my view, God, Goddess, Allah, Shiva, are all names for the same thing, The Universal energies that surround us.

I became an Aromatherapist, and started using my healing abilities in my early 20's, and ever since I have learned about crystals, chakras, colours, sound, and creation as ways to heal ourselves. I am currently studying Reflexology, Colour Therapy and Chakra Healing.

All of this however has not cured me of symptoms (neither has conventional medicine), but I can say, it has and is still helping me to find my own way of living with it, and I am now finding more of an understanding of myself, how I work and why I am like this. I must point out that I did 'leave' all my spiritual ideas behind for a while, disconnected, tried living without them, and all it did was make me worse. I have learned a valuable lesson, and am now jumping in with 2 feet on the holistic/spiritual front. It feel SO right, and although i'm just feeling my way through, things are starting to make some sense.

I'm not saying that looking at the spiritual aspect will heal all, the same way as popping a pill wont solve everything, but I do think that there is something underlying all this, deep within my soul. Treatment HAS to be holistic.

There are a few others who have opnions on this, and I have included the links to thier sites here.

Dragonfly Psychic - A personal opnion on PMS

Breast Health Project - A short explanation on Sprituality and PMS

Owning Pink - An Australian site about menstruation - A lovely resource!

Lorraine Pintus - Christian view of God, PMS and how to cope.

Journal of Psychology and Theology - An excerpt about a study that looks at a womans spiritual well-being along with her illness.

AwarenessMag - Nancy Brady's Article on Creativity, Intuition and PMS

Do you use Spirituality to help cope with PMDD?
Do you have rituals or routines that relate to your Spirituality and coping with PMDD?
Do you pray to a God/Goddess for help? Have you ever received any help?
Any thoughts on Chakras and colours?

I'm just throwing this out there, as I'd love to know what others think about it!

I want to write but...

2010-10-28T14:31:00.001+01:00

...the words just dont come.

Maybe today I'll have more luck. Everytime I want to sit and write about my condition, or rant, or just throw crazy thoughts at the screen, I seem to gag myself. A million reason come into my mind about why I shouldn't write, even though the only reason I need is that it might make me feel better.

This year has been a tough ride, but it feels like that every year.
I came off all meds in June, and have been using a homeopathic remedy, Lac Humanum. It seems to be helping, but controlling my irrational thoughts is the hardest thing at the moment.

I have lots of little things I want to post about, so will go for the short and sweet approach, then maybe, I might be able to get my head around posting more often.

This week has been horrible. I had booked and paid for a trip to Spain. I was getting all set to go, and then my back went. One false move and my long awaited trip, all the cash, and my dream of getting away and finding myself went up the swanny. That happened last week, and I coped ok. There wasnt much I could do about it, as I couldnt even stand up with help for the first two days. I was lucky it hadnt gone while in Spain, but still... I was stuck to the sofa, or laid up in bed, with painful journeys between the two. Over a week on, and I'm still in pain, and my muscles aren't happy.
Ironically, I had booked on a dance retreat! Definatley no dancing for me :(

So this week is a week of lost dreams, feeling alone, and frustrated with life.
Thankfully, I have been able to draw, it appears I also might finally get some things written down, and have managed to cope with the kids off on half term. Hooray.

TOP PMS BLOG 2010

2010-09-24T21:56:00.001+01:00

Well, I woke up this morning to what was potentially going to be a really rubbish day. I promise to give you a proper update about my very unglorious summer, but for now, I wanted to share the good news.
I've had my youngest child home from school ill, which has meant I have been tired, stressed and having to change all my plans. Plans that included my first day at college. My nerves have been shot this week, and the weather changed. Rainy, cold and grey. Just like my mood.
I opened my inbox, to find that Moods and Musings - meetmypmdd.blogspot.com has won an award!!

I am now listed by Bloggingawards.com as one of the 10 best PMS blogs on the world wide web!

Well I never!! It made me feel great! and ashamed that it had been so long since my last post...

I'd even been thinking recently of deleting this blog, so I am very glad I didnt!

Thankyou to everyone who comes back now and then, who comments, and especially to those who nominated me for the Top PMS Blog Award 2010.

Medical Billing

Please check back soon for new posts. I have so much to tell you!

Love and blessings

Cat xxxx

Trying SO hard...

2010-07-06T10:10:00.001+01:00

This last month has been so hard. I began feeling the symptoms a week before I was due on. Tired, irritable, weepy. The art therapy I've been going to has brought up lots of past stuff, and with it fresh in my head, I feel the pain all over again. I cant see how this is helping, and I think I truly have come to the end of getting benefits from counselling type therapies. The past is the past, I cannot change it, so why keep talking about it?

I have been actively trying to stick to my commitments, to stop cancelling things, but last week, everyone cancelled on me. This leaves me with no plans, and too much time to think and dwell. I got so frustrated, so upset with everyone...

Right now, what I need is help keeping myself stable throughout the month. June's period sent me into a complete breakdown. I fear I have damaged my relationship. Things are back on track, but I fear that the craziness every month may keep chipping away and ruin everything.

Today, I'm 2 days away from ovulation. The past 3-4 days have been ok. My mood's been happier, still tired all the time, but the day's have been passing without any issues. I woke up today, and immediately got stressed out with the kids. Hmmm... I thought, I better check when I'm ovulating, and it turns out, in about 2 days. So 3 days... thats it? 3 days of being ok, and then today I'm feeling stressed, anxious, and teary. I'm tired and although I'm not cramping, I definately dont feel right.

Last week, during the aftermath of the weekend's breakdown, I sent emails for help. I found a Shaman woman called Ros, who invited me to go to a 5 Rhythms session. I went, and it was great. I will tell all in another post. I also contacted a guy who specialises in nutrition and functional medicine, and I am hoping to speak to him this week. I'm so tired, so fed up with this...

6 months on

2010-06-22T11:32:00.001+01:00

Apologies for the long delay between posts. There have been many times over the past 6 months that I have wanted to write and update this journal, but the actual words would not come. To say I have been to hell and back is an understatement.
The Zoladex failed me miserably, and until February I was in a black black place. The urge to take my own life, the panic, the depression was all too much. My doctor, psychiatrist, and gynaecologist all wanted me off the Zoladex, and my psych put me on Lithium. It took a while for the Zoladex to wear off and longer for my cycle to resume. I asked if I could try a different injection. Decapeptyl has a much lower chance of triggering psychiatric problems, but my gynaecologist refused.

The lithium zapped every ounce of energy, and I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I was feeling the SAD waning, but the lithium kept me in a lethargic state. Everything became too much as it was so hard to even move. My body felt like lead. The mood swings were still there, but I seemed to get even less up time than before. In April I started coming off the lithium and have tried some homeopathic remedies prescribed by my doctor.

I stopped the lithium completely by the end of May, and I feel much more in control. I have my energy back, which still isnt great, but I can just about get done what I need to get done. I am trying to re-focus my life and find a way to bring in a source of income in the future. My kids are both at school, and I have to find something to do during the day. Too much time to think and wind myself up is a nightmare, but too much to do and I end up exhausted.

I qualified as an Aromatherapist 10 years ago, but stopped practicing professionally about 7 years ago. Oils have never left my life and I continued using aromatherapy with my family and friends. In that time I've moved several times and have had another child. Now I am getting more of my time back, I am looking into starting up my Aromatherapy practice again.

I am happy to be drug free, I am happy to be able to keep a reasonable perspective on things, and I am happy for the chance to monitor my natural cycle and find things that work. Some days things are good, some days everything is too much, but I've given up on finding something to 'cure' me, I just want to find a way of life that fits with me instead.

For me, I have tried and tried the medication route, to no avail. If the Zoladex is anything to go by, having a hysterectomy wont help either, so as with eveything in my life, I have to do it a different way...

Week 9/10

2010-01-18T22:11:00.003Z

Had my 3rd Zoladex injection last Monday. I enjoyed a week of feeling better but then, crashed again.

My libido has completely disappeared. I keep getting severe headaches in the evenings, and still get the occasional hot flush, but they have calmed down over the weeks. My appetite is still on or off, as is sleep.

I feel like it's still too hard to tell if this is working for me. I spoke to my gynaecologist. Her plan was to stop the zoladex after 3 injections, to see what happens. I already know what will happen. I will go mental again, my family and friends will suffer a whole batch of crazy moods, and my life will stop again... although, life in the injection isn't a huge amount better. I certainly cant make a decision to have surgery based on what I've experienced so far.

My doc wants me to see him in the morning, to discuss anti-depressants. I spent so long on them before, and felt so much better when I was off them. I really dont want to take anything else. Zoladex for the hormones, painkillers for the headaches, and possibly HRT if I stay on the injections for longer than 3 months. I was a raving alternative, natural therapies kinda girl, and now I find my self, having to live a life full of serious chemicals.
Zoladex is a chemotherapy drug, used to reduce the size of fibroids, tumors and cancerous tissue, in breast cancer and prostrate cancer. I can tell you 10 years ago, I wouldn't have ever considered it.

The overwhelming feelings, when dealing with all this in my head makes me panic. I want to run away. I want to get in the car and drive and drive. I dont want to have to have responsibility for my kids, for the bills, for shopping and cooking. I just want to go away and hopefully come back well. The reality is, I get so suicidal, my thoughts take over. All day (in my head) I'm shown options, ways of ending it, ways of escaping, only then, my mind shows me the results of my actions. It tortures me with my childrens pain. I know only too well what is like growing up without a Mother.
It's like my own worst enemy lives inside my head, constantly reminding me how terrible I am, how I will never be able to cope, never find peace, a balance, or happy medium.

Will I ever have a job? and just earn and live like other people? or study? Will I ever be able to concentrate on anything? Will I ever love myself enough to get new clothes, feel good about me, look after myself, feel comfortable in my body, as me?

I'm so tired of this. Tired of the fight to make it to the end of the day, and the next and the next.

No-one has an answer, everything is trial and error, I dont fit in any boxes, and every day, week and moth that passes, I'm getting older, and older, and achieving less and less.

I just want this nightmare to end. :(

The Flip side

2009-12-31T01:18:00.003Z

Yesterday I woke up and things were different. Like waking up after a storm at sea and realising everything is calm again. I am always a bit shaky to begin with... is it really over? but as the day progressed, I felt much better. I visited a friend, and just doing normal stuff like chatting over a cuppa helped enormously. I cook a meal, which is always a sign of me feeling better, and had a chilled evening, even finding time to set up a group for me and my women friends to chat in private. It's something i've craved for a long time, a forum just to chat to other mums, get support, ask advice. It really does help. Plus I got time on my hands right now. It helps to have something to do.
I also organised New Years Eve. Which to be honest, had been heading to disaster. I hate laying in bed before midnight, only to get woken up by people having fun! So, we have VIP tickets to watch Avatar 3D, and I am very excited.
Today my lifted mood continued, and I have been feeling the urge to create and draw/paint again. I have the whole weekend without kids, so I think I will indulge myself, especially as the weather is forecast to be cold, wet and gloomy.
I am under strict orders from a professional (Thanks Matthew!) to do as little as possible till the 3rd January, and I'm going to be a good girl!

I love me like this! I want it to last!

Happy New Year!!

6 weeks

2009-12-29T02:45:00.003Z

I'm now 6 weeks into the Zoladex treatment. The first month was hell on earth, and I want to say that everything is great, but it isnt...

The second injection brought around 7 days of feeling better, then, the day before Christmas eve, I crashed again.

I cant tell if this is just the injection, or things are worse due to the time of year, but I am still wondering how I will survive it all. I had been pretty organised, and was trying to avoid the fact that my kids wouldnt be with me for Christmas day, but I couldnt avoid it, there it was plain and simple. After everything we'd been through this year, my family was all split up again.

My Christmas has been awful. Thats not to say that anyone around me is at fault, because as usual I am quite capable of messing everything up. Thankfully, my partner is still with me, and I cant even begin to describe how much he has helped and changed my life.

Right now, I'm in a very weird place. I'm still crying at the drop of a hat. The hot flushes at night are horrible, and so is the insomnia. I'm no mother to my children, especially my eldest. I still feel useless and trapped in this nightmare. There is no route to take, apart from just hang on for the ride. The suicidal thoughts are back, the voices in my head telling me how rubbish I am and how much I'm affecting my children etc, is just getting louder. I should be writing down how many times a day I am thinking of leaving this world... mainly through pure frustration and the feeling that this will never go away, but I know, in my heart, that to even consider suicide once in your lifetime is bad enough, let alone fight the demons on a daily basis.

I have very few friends. Lets face it... who would want me in their lives? and at the moment, I cant even talk to them, let alone see them. If I could go away, from my prison of a house, from the sleepy village, I would. I constantly wish I could just get on a plane to India, go away and come back all healed and sorted with plans for the future. I dont see a future right now... just days and days of endless crying, pain, frustration and self destruction. I actually woke up the other morning, thinking I should beg the doctor to put me in a nuthouse. Maybe I'd get the counselling and care I need there?? It's too much for my family and friends.

When I look at my life (as someone who is suicidal usually does a lot) I'm so saddened that it has come to this. Even 12 months ago, my health was bad, but I had a social life, I had fun.. I met my man. Now there is nothing. My man is still there, but my life is a shell. Everything has gone. I know that spiritually it may just be a total overhaul, but I'm so scared. I have no idea where my place is in this world. All my aspirations seem impossible, even down to being a good mum.

So yet again, I'm pouring my heart out at 3am to a computer. I tried sleeping, but the flushes are too much, and every one is a reminder of what I'm doing to my body, of what I'm trying to stop.

2 weeks till next injection and my appointment with the Gynae at the hospital. It all seems pointless, and I feel more out of control than ever.

Spiritually speaking, I must have done something very bad in a past life to deserve all this now. When I was a teen, I actually believed I was cursed... What is it all for? What lessons am I supposed to learn? where is the positive in this? I get so disillusioned with spirituality, religion. After a very near suicide attempt a few years ago, my Aunt, who is a born again Christian, took me to see her Pastors wife. She was a counsellor and my Aunt thought she might be able to help. Believe me, for a witch/pagan to even indulge this option was a big deal. Desperate? Oh yeah...
Well, she told me that my illness had been caused by 'dabbling' in the occult. By praying to the feminine Goddess, I had ended up with an illness that only a woman can suffer from. My only cure would be to ask for Gods forgiveness and come to her Christian group every week. She would only help me if I went to church. There's Christianity for you. I walked out in disbelief. I'd love to see my doctors face if I told him this was caused by lighting candles at full moons and attending pagan rituals.

Tomorrow is lurking. I hate this limbo land between Yule and New Year. I was going to spend New Year with my partner and both my girls, but yet again, I'm at the bottom of the priority list, so I dont have my youngest here. Another non-event. I was so hoping to be well by now. Time feels like it's ticking away so quickly, and I have done nothing with my life.

24 days

2009-12-10T03:16:00.003Z

24 days since my injection. I would love to say I'm feeling amazing, but it's far, far from that.

I'm finding it very hard to keep it together. My depression is worse. Add in a pinch of re-occuring red rage, that makes me want to smash everything in sight, and an ocean full of tears, and you have the past couple of weeks.
I am so low, I cant see the point in it anymore.

I have to have my second injection on monday. Talk about a rock and a hard place. If I stopped the Zoladex, I would go straight back to the way things were before. If I stay on it, I will get to see if this will work. The time between that however, is pretty shit. When I'm not wanting to smash things, break stuff, slam doors, punch walls or scratch myself, I'm trying to think of ways to leave. Ways to leave it all behind. Run away? suicide? drugs? I'm tearful all the time and cry at the drop of a hat. What happens if this doesnt work? what then?

It's 3.30am, and I went to bed at 11pm. I then spent 2 hours going boiling hot and then cold. Duvet on, duvet off. I felt the anger rising and just wanted to break something. Then I thought about getting in the car and just driving away. Trouble is, no matter what I do or where I go, I'm still messed up me. So, no point in going to bed, no point in waking up. All the things that once may have cheered me up no longer work. I'm losing sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, and think that maybe I should just stay in the tunnel and never come out.

I havent left the house much in 3 weeks. Issues about my weight, just add to my insecurity. I have had the most horrible spots break out all over my face, and a severe headache almost everyday.

My head cant deal with a menopause at 32. I cant deal with this. I just dont know what to do.....

8 days in

2009-11-24T22:02:00.004Z

I had the zoladex injection 8 days ago,
The first day was ok, but then my energy levels dropped to the floor and I've spent much of a week sleeping and feeling really flat. So much in my head that has added to the tearfulness. I'm feeling pretty useless at the moment. I've got lots of help, so I've really been able to take it easy. I know I cant judge anything till i've had 3 months worth, but riding out the symptoms is tough.
I felt better today, but by tea time, the tiredness set in and I slept for 3 hours. On sunday, I slept the whole day away.
My appetite also checked out. I barely ate anything for 2 days. Have eaten more today, but am still not too fussed about food. I've hardly seen the kids, as I'm always sleeping.
I really want to write more, but the words dont come. maybe I'll try tomorrow.

All psyched up

2009-11-13T16:54:00.006Z

I've had a day of just not feeling sure how I feel. Today was supposed to be the day I get my first Zoladex injection. I am menstrual, and have been crying at everything all week. I find it hard to talk sometimes, partly cos I cant get any words out and partly cos I'm fed up with hearing myself moan about things all the time.
There is so much in my head, that I just dont know where to start, so forgive me if this is rambly.

It's a big deal for me to be considering the Zoladex injection. Over the years I knew that a hysterectomy was an option to stop all my problems, but I never thought it would actually happen. The first step is the injection. I am angry that I couldn't 'pull myself together', that I couldn't meditate it better, that I couldn't get in control. I feel like I've failed. That someone is gonna say... Oh for god's sake Cat, it cant be that bad, there must be something.... And even now, that's what I keep thinking. Maybe I should try this drug... or that drug... There are a few I haven't tried Zoloft for example, but I have tried Prozac and Citalopram. I haven't tried Yaz, but after such an extreme and rapid reaction to birth control pills last time I took them, I have never wanted to take them again. If I tried all these things, it would be another few years of possible hell, testing them out, and I don't know if I can cope with that.

I met a Psychiatrist on monday. I have met others in the psyche team before, and have had several assessments. Their professional comments have ranged from 'I have no idea what you are suffering from' to 'I've never come across this before', and I've held out little hope over the years that they could help at all. Through my pregnancy I was assigned a CPN, which was probably the most helpful thing they've done. This time I spoke to the actual consultant. Something that only happened once before (when I was preggy). I find out that this guy knows all about my symptoms and has treated women similar to me before. He refers women to a specialist hospital in London. Inside I was furious. If I had only seen this man years ago. If only I had been referred to the right person, I may not be facing this now, I may not have gone through all the many years of shit that I have already. He said there was no point in a referral at this stage, as I was getting the last resort treatment from my GP and Gynae.

I have tried many things over the years, Birth control pill (many varieties), anti-depressants, two types, two strengths, intermittently, full time, numerous homeopathic remedies, nutrition, cycle diet, 5HTP, Tyrosine, alternative therapies. I have had my adrenals checked and my thyroid. I continue to exercise regularly, lead a less stressful life, and try to be kind to myself. I don't put too much pressure on, I've relaxed over so many things in my life, as extra sources of stress are just not needed. I have a Mirena coil, which is still quite a new thing, and it is helped with the physical problems of heavy bleeding and agonising cramps.

So, I'm all psyched up to get jabbed, and it turns out that my surgery doesn't have the treatment I need. We phoned 5 local chemists and no-one had it. Now I have to wait till Monday for the injection. My doctor was just as gutted as me, and I could see he felt really bad to let me down. At least the decision is made... I think! Now I have 2 more days to wait.

PMDD sites

2009-11-10T23:05:00.004Z

http://pmdd-community.com/
http://pmddhope.com/
http://lifewpmdd.com/
http://studd.co.uk

One week to go...

2009-11-05T23:51:00.003Z

... till my doctors appointment. I think I am decided that I will have the Zoladex injection. I'm still feeling really nervous about what it might do, but thats what I will talk to my doctor about. I'm 3 days away from my next moon. I can already feel my mood slipping, and I haven't been doing too well. Last week, after ovulation, I had a complete breakdown and crazy thoughts. I was so angry, I wanted to smash something.
All my fears and hurt were there, back in my face. Then the irrational thinking, the wanting desperately for it to all end, the screaming and shouting, the desire to hurt myself... All of it hit me in one blast. I had felt it building all day, and I'd managed to keep a lid on it all. Then... the last straw, and bang.. off I went.
And there I was, in the middle of a nightmare again, all the worries that my partner will leave me for sure, this is the fist time it's been this bad since we've been together. Why? My bet is on it being Winter. The swings get really bad this time of year due to added SAD.
I upset my daughter, her dad, and my partner. I don't want this to happen anymore.

Recovery from PMDD

2009-10-29T19:32:00.003Z

I wish this was about me... maybe one day, but I just had to start by directing you to a fellow ex-sufferer's website.

http://reallifepmdd.blogspot.com/

Donna has been on national television and newspapers talking about PMDD. It is her story that has made me start making enquiries about trying out hormone treatments for my PMDD.

Currently I have a Mirena coil (IUD) to try and stabilize the cramps and bleeding. It seems to be working ok on the physical stuff, but my moods are still terrible.
I have 2 weeks to wait till I can get my first Zoladex injection, which will put me into a temporary menopause for a month. I need 3 months worth to see if it will really have any effect.

So now i'm facing the menopause. With the injections and then, if successful, a full hysterectomy. I'm 32.

Needless to say that this revelation is a very sharp double edged sword, and my head is in a spin. It should be a forgone conclusion. I want this nightmare to end. BUT what if... what if the symptoms of menopause are just as bad? what if I have the injection and nothing changes and it's not PMDD? what if i have it and end up a dangerous mental wreck?

I've had a bad day today, and i'm just so tired..

A bit about me...

2009-07-09T16:46:00.002+01:00

I am an artist with a mood disorder. I suffer from PMDD, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

I've had it since my hormones kicked in during my early teens, but it wasnt diagnosed until I was 27. Up till that point, It was assumed I was depressed. I began to notice cycles, and correlations between my moodiness and my menstrual cycle, and began researching mood disorders. I discovered PMDD and realised that my symptoms checked all the boxes. I went to my doctor, who wouldnt entertain such a thing, so, I found another doctor. By this time I was in full blown severe mood swings, with anxiety attacks and agrophobia, something that I had last experienced during my first pregnancy. Untill I knew that there was a recognised condition, I truly believed I was going insane, or had gone insane. I couldnt cope with being a mother, having a child, work, life.. there have been many times when I have been close to leaving this world forever. From the age of 16, I had been having mental heath assessments, counselling, sessions with psychiatrists, and everyone has tried to get me to take anti-depressants. I always said no, believing there were better ways to survive, but in my years of suffering, I have realised that the only way to survive without medication is having an amazing support system of friends, family, support groups... and even then, it will be very difficult. The chemical imbalances in my body, lead to imbalances in my brain, which in turn, create crazy thoughts, depression, lethargy, agrophobia, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, negativity and a general sense of confusion and frustration.
I have taken various anti-depressants over the years, but my dose had increased and with such a scatty head, remembering to take them was half the problem. I came off Fluoxetine 2 months ago. A choice
made because my life has dramatically changed, I am happier, I have been strong through a whole heap of bad times, I have a roof over my head, two beautiful children and a man who loves me. If there isn't a better time to come off the meds, I dont know when is.

Having said that, the moods are still swinging like a pendulum, and life is very difficult at times. The ups are great, the downs can be very bad, and trying to go with the flow and accept this is a very hard task.
I have have developed ways of coping, but still struggle month to month, day to day. I am in unknown territory now, no meds, but a happier life... Painting, creating and cooking are all things that help, but
sometimes the demons are so hard to shake off that even the doing the things I love cant drag me back from the depths.

I have always been interested in the alternative and esoteric. I never felt like I have fitted in, always the outsider, always the one left behind, but I became devoted to the spritual from a young age. From
faeries in the garden, making potions from plants, to asking for Tarot cards on my 13th Birthday and reading books on ghosts and spirits. Since leaving school I have studied Performing Arts, Art, Graphic Design, Photography, Aromatherapy, Massage and Tarot Therapy. I have self taught myself about Crystals, Astrology, Sacred Geometry, Art Therapy and Mandalas and have been practicing Yoga and Meditation on and off for 10 years. Many of these things have helped me survive over the years. Learning new things excites me, and there are still so many things I want to know about. Astrology is a huge interest of mine, and I still plan to study to Professional level. Normal life is difficult for me. I have such severe fluctuations in my mood, things get cancelled at the last minute, even when I'm in an 'up' phase, anxieties can rear up, and some situations are just a no-no for me. I live in the countryside where life is slower and much more simple. I enjoy my occasional flirts with towns and citys, shopping and nights out, but I feel much safer at home, surrounded by places and people I know.

My Art, tends to arrive in bursts. Like cosmically alligned planets, I have to be 'in the mood' to draw, plus have enough time away from the children to get something started. Once something is started, I usually have to leave it during it's creation, then come back when the next alignment happens! but the painting/drawing never leaves my head until it's finished. I am spontaneous in my work and usually, with very little planning I will attack a canvas. Mandalas take more consideration before I start, but having geometry to work with, gives me somewhere to start. I find Mandalas very relaxing to draw. I went through a furious Mandala creating stage, which has slowed up now in favour of painting, but I still occasionally go back to my pencils and dive into a circle.

I face opposites and balance in so many aspects of my life. I am a Pisces Sun, with a Virgo Moon, so not only are the Sun and Moon in opposition naturally, so too are Pisces and Virgo at opposite sides of the zodiac wheel. Pisces, itself is the sign of two fish swimming in opposite directions. I have two sides to my personality when the moods hit, as any woman with PMDD will describe. Jekyll and Hyde come to mind. To top it off, my Rising sign is Gemini, the sign of the Twins. In Numerology my life path number is 33/6.

I have followed a pagan path all my life, but began reading and studying around the age of 18. I worked as a solitary witch for many years, and joined a coven in my early twenties. I still follow a pagan path, although my witchcraft is reserved for my own personal use, and is something very quietly personal to me. I am a Witch, (if you class a witch as someone who observes the seasons, honours the God and Goddess, and uses knowledge of nature to initiate change and healing for the good of all). I used to wear the symbol, I used to hold rituals and cast spells... but the need for such public and outward displays of my spirituality no longer interests me.

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment, We are choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside, This holy reality, this holy experience. Choosing to be here in This body. This
body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal. All this pain is an illusion. Alive, I. Parabola by TOOL

Every comment and piece of feedback left for me, helps me keep on creating, it encourages me, it inspires me. Thankyou to everyone who spends time looking at my creations and reading my words...

Wakey Wakey

2009-07-09T13:26:00.001+01:00

Well.. it's been a while! lets just say 2008 was a bit mental in many respects!

Good to be back and hopefully blog more regularly!

Love Cat xx

Jean Endicott on PMDD

2008-02-29T14:48:00.001Z

Dr. Jean Endicott has conducted studies of mood and behavior related to the menstrual cycle since 1975. Currently, Dr. Endicott is the Director of the Premenstrual Evaluation Unit at Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center in New York. Additionally, she is a Professor of Psychiatry at Columbia University and the Chief of the Department of Research Assessment and Training for the New York State Psychiatric Institute. A leading authority on premenstrual dysphoric disorder, Dr. Endicott had this to say about its impact on families:

"The impact of having PMDD is often quite severe and may cause problems in many aspects of a woman's life. Many women report that their PMDD symptoms have caused seriously impaired relationships with relatives, friends, or co-workers as well as with spouses or partners. Often, relationships have been lost because others say they can no longer "put up with" some of the recurrent behaviors. The divorce and separation rate is high in those who have been married and others say that they find it very difficult to "keep" a partner. Many have also lost jobs or failed to obtain promotions because of their symptoms -- although the major impact is usually on relationships because most women with PMDD are able to make special efforts to avoid or reduce interference with their work.

"Women also report that even during the 'non-premenstrual' phases of their cycle they often have a sense of dread and helplessness because they anticipate the next period of severe premenstrual problems. They also report being hesitant to plan ahead, feeling bad about the effect their condition has on their family (especially their children), and worrying about the future.

"Women with PMDD are often markedly symptomatic 12 to 14 days of each cycle, year after year after year. The cumulative effects of these repeated symptomatic periods can wreck a woman's life as well as that of her family."

Losing it

2008-02-28T13:09:00.003Z

Today and yesterday I have been so low, to the point of despair.
I have no pot to smoke to get me through, so I am now on the Vodka. No point in pretending I can get through this with meditation, love and light as my thoughts are just too destructive

Just today, my brain has told me to, pack my bags, leave my baby with someone safe and leave, get in the car and drive and drive till I find somewhere to stay, with the intention of never returning.

OR

Pack all my partners stuff and tell him to leave. I want to be on my own..

OR

Smoke and drink till I cant feel the pain anymore. I would prefer to smoke but where I live is completely dry, so the little local Tesco's come to my rescue by selling quarter bottles of Voddy. Ahhh fuck it, what's the point in it all anyway?

Whats the point in an illness that means I cant be me for more than a few days?

Whats the point is battling?

Whats the point in fighting?

I have always felt like I am jinxed, like I have some curse on me. Is this what life will be like for another 30 years? I'm actually amazed I made it to 30. I thought I would be dead and buried by my early twenties. Maybe I really am just living on borrowed time now?

I apologise for being so self absorbed and depressed. I apologise to anyone who cant be arsed with moaning poeple like me. But in the grand scheme of things, you don't have to read or comment, I'm just fed up with pretending i'm ok.

Going downhill

2008-02-27T13:06:00.003Z

My head has been all over the place with the pmdd, finance worries, and just generally trying to keep up with life itself.

I've spent the past few days feeling crappy, but making every effort to be positive, up and forward thinking. Trying to keep the good stuff in my head, trying to make things to aim for and achieve. Even after a reasonable nights sleep, I have woken today angry, angry at everything, feeling like everything thats been keeping me going for the past few days , is a pile of shite and will never happen. I feel like giving up again, but if i do, if i let go or lose what control i have over my mood, i will drop down into the pit again and dissapoint everyone again.

I want to work, i want to study, i want to contribute to the family, i want to be able to cope with the housework like normal people, I want little things to stay little things and for my brain not to create scenarios 100 times worse everytime. I want a rest, I want things to just be stable for more than a few days.

I feel disabled. I feel unable to live a normal life, I feel like just getting through each moon is an achievement that nobody else realises is an achievement. All other people see is someone who hibernates, avoids things, comes out once in a while, sometimes happy and bouncy, sometimes, so low it's . How can i expect friends and family to still love me? How can i expect them to put up with it? How can i help support my own family when I can barely keep my head together?

I was up at 7.30 to get the kids ready to walk. I ranted at rhiannon, my mind whirling and beating me up. By the time i was walking back tears are rolling down my face and i'm trying to wipe them away while pushing a buggy and shield my face from all the mums bogging out of thier car windows.

I was ok yesterday, i felt ok, not great but ok. Now today, bam... it's all gone.

I'm fed up with the rollercoaster and i just wanna jump off...

I'm just so tired of the frustration today. I feel like I should be living on my own, away from the people who get hurt and dont understand.

I feel like it's two steps forward them wipe out, every month. There's no consistency in anything, every month, every day, unpredictable. HOW the hell do I plan? HOW the hell do I get a job and keep it? How, when we are skinter than beggers on skint street do I cope with my illness and the fact it means that I am useless. The real thing we need is money, is me to work like other mums, but I cant do it.

I've been grabbing at anything for weeks... idea after idea of how to make cash, get myself better, study, do something constructive. Thats what everyone expects of me, and I feel the pressure everyday to fullfil it.

I aspire to jobs that I have seen, thinking of how, 'well ' could cope, thrive and succeed in the job, but then, it's the moods, the organising, the forgetfulness, the need for solitude... if it just stopped... if it just let me be then i could be successful, i could provide for my kids and support my man, but as it is, I'm not far off useless, apart from being able to cook meals out of next to nothing.

Blocked

2008-02-16T15:21:00.004Z

So today, I have woken up with a foul mood. I'm grumpy, just want to be alone, and very moody. I upset everyone this morning, my thoughts have been wild, and all I have wanted to do is sit and draw or paint. I have been trying to think all day about where to start with my canvas. A million and one ideas flow through me. All different ideas, I start one, I leave it, I think about another, I dont like it, I repaint over my canvas for the second time.

I toy with the idea of getting out my paints and just going for it.. but every which way I turn, there is a reason not to.

I am on my own in the house... the way I like it when I'm feeling like this, but at the same time, I still have no peace, there is still no quiet in my mind. I'm whirling round on that wheel of fortune again, attempting to grab for the peaceful centre point, but with no success.

I am thankful for my attempts at living up to my challenge of writing for 10 mins a day. Now I have written a little, I think I know what to do on that bloody canvas. All I want to paint is dots. Points... centre points... where I want to be.

A dot. The start. The beginning of any mark made on paper. The tiny hole a compass makes at the centre of the circle.

I want to create something that takes time, that is repetitive... Like a mantra, or a chant, repeated over and over.

There's my 10 mins... I'm gonna go see if I can actually do this....

10 mins

2008-02-13T00:06:00.001Z

Everyday I will write for at least 10 mins in one of my journals. I have 3. One with my deviantART page, one on my website, and here. I cross post between the other two quite often, but the stuff I post here usually stays here. At least that may mean that I keep this journal up, as I have been appalling at keeping it up. It's been about 2 months since I wrote, loads of stuff has happened... I got a job, left a job, Luke has a new job, we've sold our van... lots of earthly things, but my head is still no where near ready for the coming phases in my life.

I had intended to write something this evening, one of the many ideas or musings that come into my head, but just as I'd stuck Delicate sound of Thunder on iTunes and opened a fresh post, my baby cried out. Running up to see her, I was worried she may have fallen out of bed. She has just moved into a toddler bed from a cot. Alas, she was still in bed, covered, and I mean covered in sick.

I am not good at dealing with vomit. There's not too many things in the world that I cant deal with, but vomit is one of them. It comes from being really ill with travel sickness as a child, and then as a teenager/young adult, regularly hanging my head over the toilet bowl after crazy drinking sessions. In both my pregnancies the sickness has lasted for 4-5 months, in fact, the last time saw me in hospital as I couldnt even keep down water.

I'm assuming Fae has a tummy bug, as this happened last night too. Luke dealt with it last night while I slept, but this eve, I'm up, he's in bed. I could have woke him... and nearly did, but when it comes down to it, I'm her mum, and I have to be able to sort these things.

She sat in her bed, half asleep, did what she was told, quiet as a mouse. I ran her a warm bubbly bath and sat her in it while I went back to clean up the mess and change her bed covers. Holding my breath, and just taking time to sort it without freaking, I changed the covers, shook off the chunks into the toilet, and stuffed everything in the washing machine. Washed her hair, brushed her teeth, and put fresh jammies on, she did it all with no fuss, no bother and with the occasional beeming smile. A short story later, and she snuggled down to sleep.

I return back to the computer.. Dogs of War is playing, and I've missed the whole album!

The things you have to do when you're a mum!

2007

2007-12-05T10:11:00.001Z

As Yule looms on the horizon, I feel the usual hopelessness of trying to 'have a lovely time' with the reality of no money, tiring family visits, and the kids off school for 2 weeks.

The antidepressants have seemed to kicked in. I'm generally feeling more stable, and my 'up' weeks are actually distiguishable from the down weeks at the moment.

2007 has been a year of changes. I knew it would be. I remember sitting on a friends sofa, early in January, saying how numerologically it was a '9' year, which meant a lot of things would come to an end, or reach completion. I knew some big things would happen this year, and they have.

Earlier this year, I lost 2 very close friends. Not through death or anything, nor did I acually misplace them or thier friendship, but for some reason, I knew I had to let them go. One male friend was taken away, our friendship ended suddenly. Confusion over feelings, my depression, and the desperate need to feel slightly normal meant that we were suspected of having an affair. The last time I saw him we were close friends... slightly confused about our feelings for each other, but friends despite whatever people may think. Losing his companionship was hard, and I felt so lonely. I'm not single. I suppose the way I'm talking makes me sound like I am, but I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years. This friend, was also my partners friend, but my partner is not exactly an advocate of forgiveness, prefering to hold grudges till the day he dies.
The other friend I lost, was my only spiritual friend. We'd spend hours talking about the universe, witchcraft, new age wierdy stuff, and our own amazing experiences She was the only person I could turn to, who would understand what I was raving on about, and who would never judge me. We have parted company before in out lives. We both had so much 'going on' that to continue our relationship was just too much. I feel like this is what has happened again, although part of it was due to the fact that I couldn't stand around and watch her mess up her life again by getting into alcohol and sleeping with married men.

I turned 30 this year, my partner just turned 23. Our relationship is very difficult, but I have realised that a lot has to do with the fact that I have no belief in love. I dont feel it, I dont believe in it. I dont think that anyone knows how to love someone healthily, and in all my relationships I feel trapped by expectations, by the supposed 'right' way to be. I feel smothered, restricted, and undervalued. The saddest thing is.. I dont believe I will ever find love. With my partner, or anyone.. I cant stand the world I live in, it all feels wrong, and there is nothing I can do about it. I say the word.. but I dont feel it.

This year also started with my mothers return from abroad. She got off the plane in January, with a suitcase and £10. She had left France behind, along with a man who she said she hated. We have tried to have a relationship, tried to make it work, but the reality is that I just dont have a place for her aymore. She has been out of my life so long (12 years), that to return now and try and be my mother is impossible. After 9 months of awkward meetings, and a false sense of progress, it became clear that I am not emotionally stable enough to deal with the cold icy wind of my mother. I have chosen to stay away, and try to focus on my life and keeping myself well.

to be continued...

Shakti Woman

2007-11-15T22:40:00.001Z

It's funny, how synchronicity works. It's too complicated to explain half the time and I may end up like a rambling idiot trying desperatley to make sense.

A lot has been going on recently. My bad health, the continuous feeling that I have to change, the fear, the signs and symbols that keep appearing to me.

This week, on recommendation by someone I deeply respect and admire, I bought a book, Shakti Woman by Vicki Noble. Little did I know how important this book would be for me. Everything I have been trying to understand, about my health, my illness, my life, the way I feel, the things that have been happening or have happened to me.

I have always felt that what I was going through was connected to something spiritual. Something I was missing, something I didnt understand. I know I am sensitive to the Moon's energies, so why not the Sun, the planets? For the past couple of years, I've stepped up my reading and research in Astrology, and have a deep desire to study it professionally. I feel like I am on the tip of an iceberg. So much is becoming clear, yet with it comes more questions, more confusion.

I am facing a big challenge, and one I just dont know if I can take on. My inner self knows that I can face and handle anything that is thrown at me, but I still, just dont feel quite ready to jump into the void.

All the things that this book has brought up. My power animals, the spider, who has visited me in terrifying dreams in the past, the snake, and the Owl. I owned a snake in my teens, being drawn to it as the next best thing to keep when I wasn't allowed a cat, I was always worried I couldnt look after it properly, that because of me I would cause it harm. My snake had to be rehomed during my pregnancy. We later found out that he had been a carrier of salmonella, and my reasons for re-homing became more clear. In Chinese Astrology, I am a Fire Snake, another reason to be attracted to serpants. I once had a cat I would call Owl. Her face so round with fluffy fur, and huge saucer-like eyes just reminded me of an Owl. When our black cat Boo died this summer, we really felt the hole left by his untimely death. We found an adorably fluffy kitten which reminded me so much of my old cat. Her mannerisms are the same, her owl like features. Then, as the year turns and we enter autumn, I've been kept awake by the haunting call of an owl nearby. It keeps me up, waiting, listening for it's call.

Recently, I have drawn many webs, and let the spiders in my house build thier webs. Yes it looks a bit like The Munsters live here, but I dont really mind! I have been more and more interested in the kundalini and the serpant, along with feeling so close to an owl, right outside my bedroom window.

The PMDD, I have come to learn, can be reasonably controlled by good exercise, excellent diet and supplements. I am crap at regular exercise, I eat in fits and starts, but when I do I try to be healthy, I always fail when it comes to sugar. I am completely addicted. I smoke pot to numb the boredom of not being able to follow my dreams. I am doing everything I shouldnt be. Add to this, the manic depression, the monthly cycle of hormonal hell, and SAD which can hit me on grey days even in the summer.

I am in the midst of a healing crises. I think I have been here for quite a while. Over the years I have studied various faiths, practiced witchcraft, become attuned to Reiki, learned Aromatherapy and massage, studied the Tarot and Art therapy, symbolism, and Astrology. Been through years of counselling, mental health assessments and even a meeting with a Pastors Wife (who told me that I was ill in this way as I'd played with the occult and had been cursed).

I've been searching for someone, who can help me with my experience. I do not believe I have this illness by chance, I believe it is a manefestation of me not being on the right course in life. No matter how many times I change direction, I'm still not getting better. This is because, for the past 5 years, after a painful marriage break up, and battling with my demons, I have lost all my spiritual connections. Actually, not all. I still observe the festivals, and go for walks in each season. I cook seasonally, and entertain friends regularly. I have also returned to my Tarot studies, with more energy than ever. My personal relationship with the Goddess has suffered. It's been years since I meditated regularly, practised yoga, or worshipped under the full moon. I miss it, and I know I need it back in my life. I am worried about appearing odd to others, worried that it will all be in vain. Something happened today though, that has put my mind at rest.

While lazing in the bath, I felt very relaxed. I had just read a chapter of the book about journeying. I had always thought it to be a long process, having to be intricate and intense. In meditation classes, I would always be the person who didnt get a message, didnt get a gift. Today, I simply drifted off, and spoke to myself about what I saw. Whether the image came after the words, or vice versa, a scenario unfolded and I went on a journey. After stupidly assuming I didnt have any power animals, then realising the significance of the spider, snake and owl, I went on to see 2 more power animals on my journey, a bear and an eagle. I also met a tribal man, who gave me a gift, a bow and arrow. The first thing that came to mind was Diana, the huntress.

Later on that day, I was reading the chapter about Shaman Art. I decided to have a go at drawing with my left hand. With no intentions I put pen to paper and let it move where it wanted. Images started to appear, and I decided to colour it with my left hand too. It hurt a lot! but I am amazed at what I achieved with my left hand!

More animals appear to me, the Swan, the Dragonfly, the Clam (can I be as 'happy as a clam?'), all the Elements are there, a face, in profile or face on? The feeling of achieving this is exciting, and something I wish to practice more often. Another way I have tuned in is by pulling Soul Cards and drawing from them.
Since I moved to my current house, I've never seen so many dragonflies. I have even been scared witless my a huge dragonfly flying through the house. They are so loud! and sit beautifully on the washing line, but not long enough for me to get my camera! Earlier this year, I took some beautiful pictures of a Swan, that had made the most magnificant nest. My name, Catherine means Pure, in celtic symbology, the swan also signifies purity.
I am still going over all the things I have learned in my head. I have to wait for the thoughts to settle and digest. I am going to the New Forest tomorrow. A magical place for me, a place which always stirs something in me, especially at this time of year.

Everyday I am feeling a little more confident about the need for me to change everything, to take control, and be who I am supposed to be. How different I feel from one week ago, at New Moon.

By First quarter, I am alive again, I am buzzing, I read a whole book in 3 days!

After charting all my periods for the past year, it has become clear that I get my period 2-3 days after the full moon, so I ovulate around the new moon. New Moon, new egg.. Full moon passes, time to let go of the egg. Although full moon brings depression to varying degree, new moon brings a 'blip', an acute 'mood', a snap, a whirlwind that lasts a couple of days at most. At this time I have been out of control, burning with rage, and filled with pain. New moons always bring out the worst in me, yet the full moon is often filled with pre-menstrual depression. Maybe the quarter moons are best for me? when the powers are more equal, in balance.

Jeez, there we go again, balance, pisces, virgo... mother, career... single, settled.. man, woman? fighting extremes seems to be me destiny. I dont want to fight anymore, I want to be in control, honour and respect the way I am, rather than despise it.

Enough for now. More thoughts soon, including the fact I think this is now no longer a PMDD blog, more a journal of my shamanistic healing crises.

With my deepest thanks to Michele Bailey-Lessirard

Bang

2007-11-08T21:25:00.001Z

The past couple of weeks have passed quite uneventfully. I came on, was a bit ratty, but kept myself busy, then the depression took over and I sunk.

I've been feeling like I did when I had SAD. Tired, lethargic, everything is an effort, even life itself.

Today, I went mental, had a breakdown.. whatever you wanna call it. For no particular reason, I got up, and snapped. Screaming and shouting, suicidal thoughts and words, fear and loathing of my life. Everything it has been, is and will be.

The doctor came. He was nice. I'm going back on anti-depressants and have some other meds to keep me calmer. I feel like life is easier when I'm slightly sedated, hence why I smoke pot, but then again, on the other hand, what sort of life have you got if to live it, you have to be sedated.

I have wished today, that the part of me that constantly dreams, hopes and aspires, would dissapear, shut up, be deactivated. All the dreaming hightlights how far my life is from where I would like it to be, and it just hurts, like torture. Shutting up the dreams means I might just HAVE to find a way to deal with the way things are.

What is a life without dreams? especially for a pisces.

I realised, when I logged on this evening, after sleeping the day away, that it is New Moon today. This is one of many 'episodes' that I have had at New Moon.

I clicked straight over to my favourite astrology journal, that spotlights the New Moons, and a few things jumped out at me.

Scorpio-react to the whack.
The urge to merge, Scorpio’s energy and The Way of the Shaman. We meet these Scorpio issues in all of our relationships, especially in love and fear. What part of me had to go to sleep to be in relationship with you? How do I react to the whack?

A lot of the issues I have are regarding relationships. I have 3 main troubled ones, My mother, my partner and my eldest daughter. All three push my buttons and cause a certain amount of distress in my head.

In Scorpio one tempers the creative fire of Leo. During the time when the Sun moves through Scorpio we get an opportunity to see what is out of whack [fall harvest], how we are merging but not getting fed creatively. This urge to merge comes to a head at the New Moon in Scorpio- you’ll see pretty quickly what needs attention, and what you need to let go of to move forward.

Letting go of the old way to move into the new is the gift of Scorpio’s transformation. The key word here is TRANSCENDANCE.

"We spend a tremendous amount of psychic energy looking for lost parts of ourselves. We do this unconsciously, and we do this in many different ways-generating dreams, experimenting with numerous spiritual paths, creating relationships that mirror back to us our missing parts...Whenever we experience a trauma, a part of our vital essence separates from us in order to survive the experience by escaping the full impact of the pain. If a part of our vital essence has fled, how can we bring it back? Trauma is controlled by the body. Talking about trauma does not resolve it. [In a healing session] can the person absorb the light from the returned soul essence into every cell of the body?"-Sandra Ingerman in her book Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self

Lost parts of myself. My inner child. The child that was left behind. The child that no-body wanted. My dad left me and my mum when I was 3. My mum got remarried when I was 11. I was a pain in the ass, a burden, a thing that needed love and attention, an only child. My mum left when I was 17. Moved to France, with my step-dad. I went through engagement, marriage, 2 pregnancies, divorce, homelessness, and suffering a mental illness and depression without her. Everyone else around me had to deal with my moods, my lows, my rage. Where was she? In my darkest moments, in the depths of the pain, all I wanted was my Mum, to make it all better like Mum's are supposed to. She never came.

My husband, who I was with when my mum left, after 9 years together, had an affair. I was 25, almost divorced and homeless. Now the little trust I had in men (my dad leaving was enough to put pay to me thinking much of men), had been destroyed.

I met my father, when I was 23. We started to build a relationship, and 3 years later, he moved to Spain with his girlfriend. Left again. I may have been 26, but the pain of him leaving again took me straight back to being a child.

They both showed me that I wasnt worth sacrificing anything for. They wanted their partners and thier lives, they didnt want me, a screaming baby, a moody, depressive teenager or even a woman who'd got through it and was doing ok.

I started cutting ties with my father, as trying to stay in touch was hard. I was constantly being dissapointed by him, and he is certainly not on the pedestal he once was. My Mum, returned from Europe almost a year ago. Her relationship had fallen apart (not my step-dad, he died a few years ago) and she said she was back for good and wanted a relationship with me. I've tried, but it recently became apparent that she still has no concept on how her actions have affected me. She just wants to forget it all and move on. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for me, and the pain of abandonment, and the feeling of not being good enough for you own mothers love is just too much to bear.

I am scared for my children. That I will mess up, that I am not good enough to bring up the two amazing souls I was blessed with looking after.

Scorpio’s energy demands transformation- this watery sign is ruled by both Mars, Pluto and some say Chiron. Where Scorpio sits in your chart you are called to shape shift by letting go and surrendering. Holding onto your pain and suffering, trying to remain in control or becoming controlling [usually related to a unconscious fear] is related to a lack of trust and thus creates more soul loss. Walk your talk.

Scorpio, is in 8th house, which is the house Scorpio rules. Not sure what that means.

Mars rules fiery Aries and watery Scorpio- fire does not like water. Reflect on that [fire and anger with water and emotions] for a moment. Mars, Pluto and Chiron brings the forth the ability to recognize and understand our pain, transform it and then create from it. Let me talk about creativity, power and shamanism from my perspective….

It was definately firey water today. Which again is quite apt, as I have just drawn up my next tattoo, and it has firey water, with two firey orange fish, with eyes on thier backs. No wonder the tattoo felt so right when I drew it up.

So at this New Moon in Scorpio how are you stuck? What emotion is still present -anger, sadness, guilt, fear?

How is your pain urging you to merge, yet you are not moving? This Scorpio New Moon will reveal a pattern, dredge up the past, so stay aware. Watch your dreams and what is showing up [omens] in your waking life. It may be related to the last time Saturn was in Virgo (1977-78).

I have to think about this more. My pain is urging me to move away from the past and the things that have constantly let me down. Move away from the dissapointments and the inevitable pain. The past has been dredged up. It started with an argument with my mother, and another mental health assessment last week that asked me to rake up everything all over again. It's been on my mind, bugging, niggling, working it's way in until today... Bang. I burst.

The last time Saturn was in Virgo was when I was born, I have never had this transit in my adult lifetime. I was 3 when it passed.. funnily enough, that was when my Dad left me.

I have so many desires. So many things I want to do with my life. Having kids is an eternal struggle of responsibilty and dreams that can never come true.

How can I find peace?

I'm tired. Thanks for reading.

Day 24

2007-10-24T08:23:00.002+01:00

So, where have I been... well, this is the nature of the beast. Although I havent been bouncing off the walls and rejoicing my eternal happiness, life has been ticking over and I havent felt the irritation of life wash over me... Until today.

In fact, far from being 'normal' and happy, the past 2 weeks have been low, I have for the most part, stayed indoors, and kept myself to myself. There have been times when I have wanted to visit, and write, but due to time being so short when I can think clearer, I didn't want to get into moaning.

The weekend of the 13/14th, ovulation, was awful. I was so down and depressed, and alone.

I am behind on bills and shopping, I am broke, and now, to top it all, my partner had an operation on Monday and is now off work for 4 weeks. Before he went into hosp, a situation arose, one which hurt and upset me. I would rather be doing anything other than nursing him. I am angry with him, but it's all brushed under the carpet again.

I am due on in the next few days. It is full moon on friday, and I really havent a clue how I am going to cope with it all. My eldest daughter is back at the weekend too. I should be looking forward to it, but to be honest, she is just another source of stress.

I have an appointment with another psychiatrist on friday, but far from getting my hopes up, or hoping they will be able to help, I know I'll be a puzzle, a mystery, and they'll offer plenty of stuff that will never happen.

Down on the world again... yup.

Back again..

2007-10-10T13:47:00.001+01:00

So, to ensure this journal actually works as a record for me, I must fill in the past few days.

Friday (Day 5), after very little sleep, was pretty average. I went to the Doctors regarding the depression and the fact that I dont feel well enough to get a job or forward my life in anyway. I have been reffered to a Gynacologist, and back for Psychiatric care and support. I have a choice regarding medication. I can try Progesterone, as I havent tried it before and some women find it helpful, but I am worried sick about putting more hormones into my body. It cant cope with the ones I've got!

Saturday and Sunday (Day 6 & 7) were busy, productive, and I felt a lot better. I had some energy, we cleared out the shed and did a whole array of other housey type jobs. I had one blip on Saturday around 3-4pm, and had a little freak out, about money this time, and the lack of it, and how I'm destined to live in a house we cant afford with dirty magnolia walls as we'll never have the money to make it nice.

Monday (Day 8), Mood was still good. I was still cleaning and doing odd jobs round the house. A friend was due to come from the USA, but for a reason still unknown to me, he didnt turn up. Obviously I am worried, but I have followed every route to try and contact him or find out whats happened to no avail. All I cant do is sit and wait for some news. I know he'll contact me when he can.

I think the change in plans buggered it up for me. I was hoping that with my friend here, I would have a distraction, company and someone to fill my time in the daytime with. Now he hasnt come, I am still where I was, only I have a sparkling clean house!

Yesterday (Tuesday - Day 9) I had a good day. Luke was off work, we had a huge late brunch with a mate, and watched kids videos! (it was pouring with rain all day and not worth going out for anything!) I felt tired, but still managed to cook two more meals (one in advance for today), visited a friend, and felt generally upbeat.

Today however... Day 10, and I find myself worring again about my future, my weight, my eating habits. Broke down in tears again on the phone, and was horrible to my eldest daughter again. Worried I'll never get myself out of all the habits that are no good for me. The fact is, I have to change all this, I simply HAVE to, or life isnt worth living.

I feel like a bad mother today. I was mean to my eldest before she went to school, even though I know she is nervous about going away with her Dad on hols this week, and I haven't given Fae much attention for a few days. Unfortunately, she's become addicted to videos, and is happy watching them, so that suits me when I am feeling crap. We have been out for a walk today, and I try to do 'something' with her everyday, but to me, it still doesnt feel like I'm doing enough with her.

Mind you, I never feel like I'm doing enough.