We pretend to be strong because we are weak.

“We pretend to be strong because we are weak.”
― Paulo Coelho

I'm waiting to bleed, it's day 28.

I find myself crying again, I can feel the rush of hormones. My man asks if I'm OK...

A year or so ago, I may have flown into a rage, angry over being asked. I may have just gone quiet and said, I'm fine, or leave me alone. Nowadays, I dive into his arms and cry into is chest. I accept his love, his concern and feel better for a hug and his understanding when I am feeling like my world is about to be upturned.

This got me thinking (especially as I am in pre-menstrual thinking overdrive).

Women with PMDD deal with an extreme amount of rage, anger, self loathing and fear. We feel weak and inadequate. We cannot deal with the same amount of stress that other people can.

Society tells us that as women, we should be able to handle everything life throws at us and cope with it all. There has been a big deal made out of women needing to be as strong as their male counterparts. Equal in every way.... except, we aren't.

Women may feel that they cannot possibly show weakness. They cannot let on to their partners, family, work colleagues that they are finding things hard. This happens to all women to some extent, but with PMDD, it's much more extreme, as the hormones seem to take over and control us. The false moods and irrational thoughts leave us feeling out of control, weak and unable to complete the simplest of tasks.

What happens when we feel inadequate? If we can't over compensate by becoming super woman to prove we are just as good as the men, or other more stable women, then we end up feeling frustrated at ourselves, and our situation. We end up angry and full of fight.. defensive. Even with the people we love. We don't want them to see our weaknesses. We don't want them to have to 'look after us' as that makes us far from the strong independent capable women that society says we should be.

I found this article. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201107/the-greatest-weakness-strong-women It's got nothing to do with PMDD, but tells the story of a high powered business woman who finally let down her defenses to save her relationship. As I read, I realised even more that showing weakness is hard for every woman, but to do so can actually help save floundering relationships and bring people closer together.

I look back over my own life and my own PMDD story and find the fight and defensiveness there at every turn. Right from a child, I knew that to cry in public was a sign of weakness, and that to get on in the world we have to be able to do what the men do. Work, earn, provide... I was always embarrassed by my mother's ability to sob in public, she would cry at the drop of a hat, especially to an emotional song or film, and quite often, I would feel the lump in my throat and the tears building, but I would not allow myself to cry. Cry baby. Soppy cow. Why are are you crying? I often had no explanation to explain why I felt like crying, and didn't want to answer that question. I have always avoided films and music that are liable to make me cry. 

In my youth, I turned to Heavy Metal music, especially the stuff sung (or screamed) by women. I wanted nothing more than to experience those strong emotions. The 'fuck you' of a woman screaming and roaring as good as any man. The lack of tears, the abundance of hate and anger. I related. I felt it made me strong and equal. Another mask to put on to the world. Men often became a target in the lyrics, with one of my favourite female bands (Otep) even writing a song called 'Menocide'. Yet now, that kinda turns my stomach, for there is nothing gained in the pendulum swinging all the way over to the other side. At the time it fed my need to be strong, to be like a man. When women act like men, what do the men do? When women are downing pints and shots at the pub alongside their male peers, fighting and brawling in the street, what do men see? Women? Or women who are more like their male friends? In which case, why should they treat us like women, when we don't act like one?

During PMDD days, I can sob at an advert, or a situation in a soap opera. I still feel that shame. I still feel embarrassed. Although, I am working on that. There IS no shame in feeling emotion. There is no shame in feeling so deep that a song, or lyrics send you into a tearful mess. There is no shame in admitting that you feel low, or for even crying when there appears to be no reason for it.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving 

During my PMDD weepiness, I may be crying for all the pain I've ever felt in my life, for all the pain my ancestors may have gone through. I may be crying for all the cruelty and poverty there is in the world. I may be crying just because I need to cry. Why should I feel shame for that?

Menstruation connects us to a deeper place. It connects us to our ancestors and can bring about great insight and learning. Women ARE more sensitive at this time. FACT.

The shame and embarrassment brings on a reaction of needing to cover it. I don't want people to think I am weak, over sensitive, over emotional or stupid. How can I explain the tears?

Men don't do this. I am highlighting our gender differences. Maybe I am letting the feminist side down. I am weak and giving men a reason to see me (women) as weak.

Women sometimes cry easier in the presence of another woman. A close friend or aunt may console us. We know that we sometimes need to 'let it all out', but to do that in front of a man? When most men feel uncomfortable with that amount of emotion pouring out from the soul? To do that in front of our partners and husbands? That seems alien to a lot of us, despite both parties claiming to love one another.

This need to remain strong and collected in front of our men is what brings about the complete opposite in emotions. We don't want them to see us a weak. We don't want to admit we need them to protect us and keep us safe. With equality and all the blurred lines between male and female roles, men just don't know what to do, and if we are pushing them away and denying them the chance to protect and show us compassion, we are then stealing away their opportunity to fulfil their role within the relationship.

Ladies with PMDD often end up directing all this anger and frustration at their partners as a smoke screen. We overcompensate and allow ourselves to become strong, so strong we are fierce and aggressive. We are like crazed warriors about to go into battle. Only there is no battle. There is someone we love who desperately wants to help, who wants to be able to 'do something' to make it all better. We fight them, because to allow them to help, to allow ourselves to fall into their arms and cry and say we can't cope right now is to show them we are weak, and with that brings about a whole manner of inadequacies that appear to no longer be socially acceptable.

'Other women cope' Other women manage to hold down a job, have kids, study, cook, clean and stay sane all month long so why not me/us? We feel that our PMDD makes us inferior.  It doesn't. It makes us different. It makes us super sensitive. If women with PMDD can embrace this aspect and shake off the stigma of showing signs of weakness the anger is calmed. As I type this, so many memories come to mind. I can feel the tickle in my nose, the tears building up. Have no reason to be crying right now, yet the tears want to come.

As a woman, I am an emotional being. I want to fully embrace what it is to be a woman. The past 2 years have seen me stop fighting. I accept, I surrender, I have learned to feel comfortable crying around my man. I go with the flow and allow safe passage to whatever needs to manifest. Who am I to censor myself? Who am I to curb, halt, or stop the feelings that need to flow?

It is no wonder we have come to be like this. In days gone by, women with PMDD would have been called Witches. Demonic. We would have been misunderstood as being possessed by the devil and locked up in asylums... another reason to want to stay secret, to hide away, to remain anonymous. Women have undergone so many terrible punishments for being female. Showing any sign of intuition became labelled as witchcraft or possession. Hundreds of thousands of women died during the witch trials, who were no more than healers, midwives, herbalists and quite possibly women with PMDD, women who were sensitive to their hormones, who felt the rages and let them out, who acted as if they were possessed by a demon. I know that some of my tears must be for them, and my ancestors, some of which must surely have been caught up in the terror. In the UK, it is a mere 61 years since the repeal of the Witchcraft Act, yet to this day, in many other countries, women still face charges like this, often with the penalty of death.

So in many ways it is no wonder there is a such a stigma attached to women with mood disorders, whether they use their intuitive abilities or not, the outward signs of PMDD are frowned upon and still come with a hefty amount of shame, guilt and penalties for not being consistently able to live like everyone else.

Women need to reclaim what it is to be a women. We need to celebrate out difference, and not feel ashamed to embrace our feminine nature. Next time you fight with your partner, just stop for a second and ask yourself why you are fighting. Is there a legitimate reason to be fronting up to your partner? Or deep down, do you really just need a big hug and some reassurance that everything will be OK?

I can't being to describe how much this has helped my relationship. After swearing I would never marry again, I find myself a wife once more. My husband is not my enemy. My husband can provide me with protection, with love, with safety from everything else that is bad in the world. I am lucky to have such a man, who accepts his male role, however strange it may seem to others. But this is only possible because I allow him to take on that role. I trust him enough to let him see me during my weak moments. He doesn't expect me to be strong all the time. He doesn't value me any less because I have these moments. By blowing away the smoke screen, the façade, the pretence that I am 'fine' all the time, we have been able to develop a much closer relationship.

My hope is that more women, especially the ones who suffer with PMDD will begin to embrace what it really means to be female, and find strength in what other perceive to be weakness. It is not a weakness if you need to take time out, if you need a break, to cry, to sleep, or to dream. It is not a weakness if you are string enough to be honest.  Honesty is by far the strongest action, and to admit you need help, love, a hug, is to put out the raging fire and unite with someone in a warm glow of friendship, companionship, compassion and love.

“We are all travellers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

“Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn't make you nice, it just makes you a liar.”
― Jenny O'Connell

“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.”
― Alan Moore, (V for Vendetta)

“Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking the truth from her heart.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it.”
― Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn)

All quotes from http://www.goodreads.com

©Cat Hawkins 2012

Quotation Inspiration

Day 2 of the Health Activist Writers Month Challenge.

Quotation Inspiration. Find a quote that inspires you (either positively or negatively) and free write about it for 15 minutes.

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along, with patience and equanimity.
Carl Jung

I have chosen this quote as sufferers of PMDD are on a constant mission to find happiness, often forgetting that everyone is on the same mission.  The reason it becomes such an obsession is because PMDD leads the sufferer to experience extreme states of depression and anxiety, often without the equal amount of euphoria on the 'good' days, as with bipolar sufferers.  Sure, with my PMDD I experience a rush of energy and feelings of happiness, but due to the rapid cycling of symptoms, it can sometimes be clouded by the knowledge that this will be short lived.

It is often talked about that to gauge happiness, we have to experience sadness.  Without something to measure it against, we would be oblivious to the different states of mind.  The main difference between life with PMDD and life without PMDD is the monthly cycle.  If you don't have PMDD, happy times can last longer than a few days.  With PMDD, you know that inevitably, the clouds will roll in eventually and your mood will drop.  I know that every sufferer lives in hope that this month will be the month when it doesn't happen, only to feel frustrated and disappointed when it does.

As the quote suggests, it is much better to take every day as it comes and react accordingly.  This is not easy with the busy lives we lead, with commitments and duties, but if you want to get through each month without a major breakdown, it is often essential.  When we say that PMDD affects every single aspect of your life, every single day of the month we are not exaggerating.

Patience is also key.   The dictionary describes patience as 'the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like'.  'An ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay' and 'a quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.'  When your mood drops, you are likely to be confronted with many negative emotions.  Everything can annoy you, frustrate you and cause anxiety.  The one thing we can be sure of during these times, is that they are temporary, and the same things in a week or so, will not affect you in the same way.  Therefore, to be patient, with yourself and others is a really good way to get through these trying times.

Equanimity is an evenness of mind especially under stress.  This is very challenging for a woman with PMDD, as the usual perceptions of life and the world around them is twisted and warped, however, if we can try to strive for this calm, by keeping centered, then we can get through the rough times with less stress.  Other words to described equanimity are, composure, collectedness, serenity and tranquility.  It's about staying in the centre of the wheel, while the world spins around you, rather then falling into the outer rim of the wheel and being spun around and caught up in the crazy emotions.

Women with PMDD are actually blessed with being able to feel the full spectrum of emotions, and as the quote suggests, it is essential to accept the dark times as a valuable measure of the good times.  Women with PMDD can achieve great things, they hold great strength within and are very intelligent and capable.  Every success is even sweeter when accomplished alongside PMDD, as the road to get there is more difficult for them than it is for others.

If I were to sum up PMDD visually, it would be a Yin Yang.  The black side, representing the bad days, but with a spot of white to remind you this is temporary and good things ARE possible. With the flip side being the white side, that will always contain a spot of black, representing the fact that you have travelled through dark times to reach this place.  It also symbolises the fact that within the good times, there is always a pang that the dark times will come, and more importantly, within the dark times, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.  Clear thinking will always return and life will feel good again.

The Mind vs Medications

I am a believer in Quantum Physics.  I really enjoy learning about the concepts of the human mind and what it is capable of.  It started with The Secret, a book that many are familiar with nowadays, but my interest has gone further into trying to learn and grasp more of the theories, especially those related to healing.

I highly recommend the film 'What the bleep do we know?' as a great place to start with this huge topic.  You can watch the movie on You Tube for free by following this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT50SV3W5K0, but I highly recommend the rabbit hole edition of the DVD that has many many extra hours of interviews and explanations.

The theory, in very basic terms is that everything in this world is energy.  That includes ourselves and everything around us.  The question of 'What is reality?' is a biggie.  It can lead to a complete head f**k while trying to understand the concept, but I will try and explain how I see it in relation to how we can use our mind to heal ourselves instead of looking to outside influences, namely drugs and medications.  We need to look at the brain and it's capabilities.  It has been shown in experiments that the brain fires the same responses when seeing something in real life, or simply remembering the event.  So how do we perceive what is real and what is not?  If our memories create the same responses in the brain when remembering something, as it did when we first saw it, then we can see how it's easy to repeat the same patterns.  We become locked into a pattern of responses that then becomes our reality.  PMDD is like Groundhog day.  Every month we go through the same pattern.  Our body is reacting to the hormones that are triggered in our brain, and we respond accordingly due to a learned response to each feeling.

I believe our brains are like our on board organic computer.  It's organic because it can be grown and developed, unlike the computers of modern day, which are developed to a point, only to be out done year after year by new technology.  You can upgrade the system you have to some degree, but inevitably, we will seek a newer, more powerful model after a few years.  Technology advances so quickly, but imagine how that could work within a living organism.  Information in the brain can be processed as slowly as 0.5 meters/sec or as fast as 120 meters/sec (about 268 miles/hr).

The brain generates electricity (or energy).  Every thought, feeling and bodily process starts as an electrical impulse in the brain.  We have centres in our brains that send out electrical signals and receptors that receive them.  While awake, your brain generates between 10 and 23 watts of power–or enough energy to power a light bulb. The programming in our brains starts as a baby.  The capacity for such emotions as joy, happiness, fear, and shyness are already developed at birth. The specific type of nurturing a child receives shapes how these emotions are developed.
By the time we realise we are suffering from PMDD, we have a years of programmed and learned responses to life.  We have either acquired these from the people around us or developed them ourselves as methods of coping and keeping safe.

If we are living with learned responses, it is possible that we can unlearn them.  If our brains continue to make the same connections over and over, we can surely teach it to make new connections and responses.

So, how does this apply to PMDD?  I realised that the patterns I was going through could be learned responses and reactions.  I have lived a life that has been full of stress, and at times, trauma.
I have created strong pathways in my brain, ways to cope with the hormonal changes in my body and mind.  For me, taking medications never seemed to help.  The mood swings and extreme thoughts and feelings would not leave me.  Sometimes, I would feel more disconnected from them, but the disconnection made me feel even more out of control.

Taking a pill and believing it will cure you is naive.  Work needs to be done within the mind.
Re training and re programming ourselves, whether alongside or without medication is essential.  I am not suggesting anyone gives up any medications they are on.  We have our own choices to make when it comes to how we treat our disorder and what is comfortable for us.  Some people feel better when they are taking a pill.  That's how the placebo effect works.  For me, taking a pill meant I was ill.  In my head, if I had to take a pill for the rest of my life, it means I am unwell.  That thought then permeates everything.  I am ill.  It reaffirms that thought, and that never made me feel better.

I am also not saying that by not taking any medication I all of a sudden feel well.  But I do feel more in control and stronger in the knowledge that I am not so ill that I have to take a plethora of tablets to make me function in the world. 

Sufferer's of PMDD know only too well how much this disorder affect's their perception of the world.  It's easy to see when you go from a rational, understanding person to someone who believes the whole world hates them, past issues and event's surface and our own place in the world is in question.  I knew that this was in my head.  I knew that it wasn't really me, or what I truly felt about the world, yet the changes in hormones, lack of serotonin and programmed responses led me to be in a vicious cycle.

We all know the saying 'turn that frown upside down' or 'think happy thoughts'.  This is really difficult for a sufferer to do when in the throes of a dysphoric episode, but there is proof that be being more positive and trying to break the usual patterns of coping can help to break free from the worst effects of the cycle.  Cognitive Behaviourial Therapy (CBT) and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) are both ways of trying to re wire your thinking patterns.   

We can treat our bodily symptoms by eating well, getting enough sleep and exercise, but we cannot forget about looking after our minds.  If we continue to allow ourselves to react in the same way over and over, we will always see the same results.

Food for thought.  Can you change the way you react to your PMDD?  Can you create different reactions to the way you feel?  If PMDD brings on false thoughts that we take on to be real, does that make them real?  How do we create our own reality?  In no way am I suggesting that PMDD isn't real, and if you follow my blog you will know I am working very hard to get this disorder recognised, but I feel there is more each and everyone of us can do to help ourselves, just by fighting the false moods and tricking the body and mind out of them.

If we label ourselves as anything, we then reinforce it.  If we believe we are going to have a bad day, we probably will.  If we identify with being ill, we are more likely to be ill.  Just when we fake an illness to get the day off work, then sure enough, we get ill a few days later.

It is scientifically recognised that a smile, whether a real smile expressed at something that make us happy, or a fake smile, put on for whatever reason, creates the same responses in our brain.  Smiling and laughing releases our bodies feel good hormones, endorphins, but the body does not distinguish whether we are truly happy or not.  The endorphins are triggered regardless.  If this is the case, we DO have the ability to change how we react to our mood swings.


Stop believing you have no control.  It merely reinforces the belief.   Stop believing you are powerless, useless, unworthy, a lost cause... all these things are untrue.  Stop believing you are beyond help, or that nothing will ever help you.  Stop believing you will never get better.

Start believing you can have a calmer life.  Start believing you can change the way you feel.  You are in control.  You have the power to change, to get better, to heal.  Of course we will all have bad days.. EVERYONE on the planet has bad days, but we can try and stop them, reduce them, and give them less fuel.

I DO believe we can think ourselves well.  I do believe we can heal ourselves.  It's not an easy route, and for me, I have had to have the support of a counselor, family and friends, but I am living proof that the symptoms of PMDD can be lessened without the use of medications....

I will leave you with these thoughts, and a selection of quotes that re affirm what I am trying to say in this post.  For some, tablets, injections and surgery may be the right option.  They will feel better and healed by going down that route, but for some, like me, medication and surgery are not an option.  Maybe that's because you don't like taking meds, or you haven't found that anything has helped, or maybe it's just BECAUSE...  Never feel like you HAVE to take medication or be forced down a surgical route.  It is possible to manage PMDD without.  On the flipside, even ladies who ARE on medication and are following a surgical path can find some kind of benefit from thinking differently about themselves and the disorder.  No one is right, no one is wrong, its a personal choice, and one that no-one should ever judge you for.

The light of Integrity

"The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts.
Think only on those things that are
in line with your principles
and can bear the full light of day.
The content of your character is your choice.
Day to day, what you choose,
what you think,
and what you do is who you become.
Your integrity is your destiny ...
it is the light that guides your way."  - Heraclitus, Greek poet, philosopher

A Better Me

The me I wish that I could be
Would never harm a soul,
Could never speak in angry tones,
Or have a selfish goal,
And no more wrong or harmful deeds
I'd ever want to do,
If this perfect ideal me
Could be a picture true.
The me I wish I could become
Will never really be,
But simply wanting such a thing
Will make a better me."- Hilda Sanderson

"As I see it, every day, you do one of two things:
build health or produce disease in yourself." - Adelle Davis

"The more severe the pain or illness, the more severe will be the necessary changes. These may involve breaking bad habits, or acquiring some new and better ones."- Peter McWilliams, Life 101

"A wish to be well is a part of becoming well."- Lucius Seneca

"Here's your protection for whatever comes: Find something to be happy about every day, and every hour if possible, moment-to-moment, even if only for a few minutes."- Greg Braden


"I find, by experience, that the mind and the body are more than married, for they are most intimately united; and when one suffers, the other sympathizes."- The Earl of Chesterfield

"No one can listen to your body for you... To grow and heal, you have to take responsibility for listening to it yourself."- Jon Kabat-Zinn

"Our limitations and success will be based, most often, on our own expectations for ourselves. What the mind dwells upon, the body acts upon". -Denis Waitley

Quotes sourced from - http://www.healinggateway.com/thoughts.php
Brain Facts sourced from - http://www.nursingassistantcentral.com/blog/2008/100-fascinating-facts-you-never-knew-about-the-human-brain/
Smiling facts from - http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/benefits-of-smiling.htm
Images from Google images.

The Stone Child

The Stone Child – An Inuit Story
Told by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

There was an orphan that was so lonely and so hungry that no one wanted to be near him.  His mouth was open all the time and his teeth were always showing and tears were always running down from his eyes, and he was so wild with hunger that they had to tie him in the entrance to one of the skin houses so he’d not try to eat the hunters on their way to the seal hunt; that’s how hungry he was.

They would, on occasion, leave him some rancid reindeer meat or maybe some spoiled intestines to eat, but, as we know, it was more than hunger that was gnawing at him.  Those deep needs that not even the person themselves understands.  So everyday he stretched his chain a little bit and a little bit more, until he could get near a stone that was more or less the same size as himself.  You see, his mother and father had died one night, and their bodies had been dragged off by bears, and all that had been left behind by them was this one particular stone.  So he wrapped both his arms and his legs around that rock and he wouldn’t let go of it.  And, of course, his people thought he was crazier than ever, and on their way home from the hunt, with animal carcasses slung over their shoulders, they would jeer at him, and they would say, “Analuk has taken a stone for a wife, ha ha.  It’s good for you to have a wife who is a stone, for then you cannot use your hunger and eat her.”  And they went on their way. 

But the boy was so lonely and so hungry that he really had reached the end of his feeling for life.  And even though he had that terrible loneliness and that gnawing hunger, he kept his body wrapped around that stone, and because the stone began to take the heat from his flesh, the boy began to die.  The stone took the heat from his hands, and then it took the heat from his thighs, and it even took the heat from his chin where he rested it on top of the stone. 

And just as the boy was living his last breath, the hunters of his village came by again on their way home from the hunt, and again they called him down, and they said, “You crazy boy!  You are nesting with that stone like it is an egg.  We should call you Bird Boy, you good-for-nothing creature.”  And because the boy was near death, his feelings were hurt more than he could ever say, and great icy tears began to roll down his face and across his parka, and his cold, cold tears hit the hot, hot stone with a sizzle and a hiss and a crack, and it broke the stone right in two.

And inside was the most perfect little female the boy could ever want.  “Come,” she said, “I am here now, and you are an orphan no more.”  And she gave him a bow and arrows and a harpoon she had brought with her, and the boy and the girl made their house and had babies.  And, if they are not yet dead, they are in that land where the snow is violet and the night sky is black.  They are there, living still.

"The original abandonment, the original abuse, the original horror has some reason and meaning in it. It is not senseless. It is not like being run down like a dog on the highway. Its meaning most often is the development of tremendous strength, tremendous power, tremendous intuition. And I will tell you frankly that most of the people who are the greatest healers living on the face of this earth are unmothered children. One of the great gifts of the unmothered child - and also the healer, and the writer and the musician and all those in the arts who live so close with their ear against the heartbeat of the archetypal unconscious - one of their strongest aspects is intuition."

"Be proud of your scars. They have everything to do with your strength, and what you've endured. They're a treasure map to the deep self."

(Quotes and transcript from the CD -  Available HERE)

Thats me... the Stone Child.  The feeling of not belonging, of not being needed, or being dismissed and dumped is all too powerful at the moment.  I've been lost in a painting for over 5 days now, but the pain, the old feelings that recent events have dredged up are trying to tip me over the edge.  The internal battling of rational and irrational is tiring me out.  Trouble is, the irrational isn't actually irrational.  It's normal when you have grown up an umothered child.

I have warmed, I have love in my life, but that connection to parents feels like it is forever lost.  At the centre It still feels like stone.  It still feels like a huge burden to bear.  A burden that my gorgeous partner helps me to carry, with his patience and understanding, whether he realises it or not.  It's our 2 year anniversary today, and he has helped me heal myself.  He has helped me learn how to accept love and what it feels like to be loved unconditionally.  I have never felt so secure with someone ever before.  I am still healing, and maybe I will never feel like I'm free of the heavy stones I carry, but I'm in love, and I am loved, and that gives me the strength to keep on going, regardless of the weight of my past.

Happy Valentines  xx

Be a strong woman...

The Goddess Durga

 
"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." ~ Mother Teresa

"Pick the day. Enjoy it - to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come... The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future." ~ Audrey Hepburn

 "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." ~ Helen Keller

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." ~ Maya Angelou


My personal favourite

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson, popular spiritual activist, author, lecturer.