Positive or Negative?

There has been some chat in the support group recently about positivity and negativity.  Support groups (and I mean any, not just mine) can be negative places and I mean negative in that most of what is discussed originates from a post that may be very negatively worded.

I started the groups on Facebook mainly because that was where I met other sufferers, for the first time, only a lot of the time I found myself not feeling comfortable sharing on an open wall for all to see.  Hence my closed groups were born.  This meant for me and many others that we had somewhere to write about our problems and worries, somewhere to rant and vent.  This often avoided the same rants or venting on personal pages, allowing people to seek help from an audience that completely understood why that person was having issues.  The problem with ranting to friends or in front of family is that quite often they do not really understand PMDD and therefore can assume all manner of things about the PMDD sufferer.

Lots of valuable information is shared in the groups, and over the past 2 years I have seen women find treatments and paths that have helped them manage their PMDD and lives to the point of leaving the groups never to return.   Some leave and come back after realising they are not quite ready to go it alone.  Having access to a group of women who completely understand really helps to transform the way you see PMDD, the way you see yourself and the world around you.

I have tried to make the groups a positive place, and many women post lots of positive messages, or update us on the good days as well as the bad, however, many feel they should not share the good days for fear of upsetting those on bad days.  Some may wonder if we are all just dwelling on it too much and keeping ourselves in a space of pain and hurt.  The way I see it is we all need support to find our path.  Some ladies may find that just a few kind words can transform their day, but the only way they are going to get a response is to share the negative situation they find themselves in.  Some ladies may only need the support of a group for a couple of months, some may need a couple of years.  This difference is because we are all unique and are at various points on our healing paths.

I think it's OK to have a space that absorbs all the negative.  Writing things down is known to be a good way to transform thoughts into something more tangible, real.  That way we can then release them.  I used to worry and dislike the way the Facebook wall works.  I was used to forums where you could go back on old posts and comments, and I could see (and still do) some really useful ways a forum could work, aside from the fact people wouldn't have to repeat themselves or have the same discussion over and over, and women could also look back and see how far they've come, or find past posts easier.  Unfortunately, the FB wall doesn't lend itself to this very well... it's a dumping ground.  The good thing about this however, is we are NOT reminded of the bad days all the time, the past is the past and is rarely brought back up for re-discussion.  This is good with regard to PMDD as we have these crazy, dark moments, but they are not us.. they may be typed up, posted, talked about and then are lost to the wall and we move on.

Each and every individual needs to take responsibility for themselves and their own healing, whether that includes meds or not.  I have always said the groups should not be a stress to anyone, and that if the negativity in the group is something that is causing you problems then you may need to take a break from the group (just like in life, really).  Many women only visit the group when they need to rant, or some may visit if they see a cry for help and they are strong enough to post a reply.  The support groups as they are work because they are really for one thing only, and that is to talk with other sufferers and find some understanding and sympathy.

What I would like to highlight though, is the power of negative words.  I think this is something all people should consider, but maybe women with PMDD more so.   

Last year, in our house, we tried The Big Apple Experiment.  You cut an apple in half and place it in identical glass, airtight jars, and then over the coming week/s you love one half and hate the other.

It was VERY easy to hate the hate half of the apple.  There was no trouble with finding hateful, hurtful things to say to that half of the apple.  My husband and I could rant at it for a while before running out of things to say, yet, when it came to saying lovely things to the other half, we all found it harder.  It even felt OK to hate, but when we tried to say loving things, it was not easy to find the words and we'd feel uncomfortable about expressing it.  What does that say about us?  Why do we not feel comfortable with speaking words of love and happiness?

Over the coming weeks we continued to talk to each half of the apple every day and the results were amazing.

You may be hugely skeptical, and if you are, I urge you to try it!  It's a great thing to do with the children to teach them about how their words can affect others, but it's also an eye opener as to what we may be doing to ourselves when we talk negatively about ourselves.  There is a lot of self hatred that goes on within PMDD groups, and of course, others will always give a hug and some reassuring words, but just LOOK at what you are potentially doing to yourself with negative words and thoughts.  These ideas, as mentioned in the video above, come from Masuru Emoto's work, which some of you may like to take a look at, and I also found another video!

It is good to rid yourself of negative emotions, we know that, however, when we see what that negativity can do to us and the people around us I think we all need to be more selective with our words, especially with the things we say to ourselves.  It's not about being all fluffy bunny and irritatingly positive all the time, but maybe finding more positive ways to look at things, and watching what you SAY and think.  Words have a massive impact on us, much more that we really realise.

As always, in the name of balance, I am also sharing a link with you which explores why positive thinking is NOT necessarily always good for you!  It's all great food for thought, and hopefully, somewhere in all this mornings ramblings, you may find something that helps you! http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creativity-and-personal-mastery/201004/why-positive-thinking-is-bad-you

The most important change I have made in my life with PMDD is that things are not BAD or GOOD.. POSITIVE or NEGATIVE... there are gifts to be found in the darkest of moments, there is positivity to be found even in the most awful situations.  I do not have good and bad weeks anymore, I have better weeks and more challenging weeks, or high energy weeks and low energy weeks.  I no longer allow myself to get sucked into self hatred and speaking terrible things at myself in the mirror.  I also curb what I say about others, knowing that that negative energy could find them and cause more rifts and friction.  In many spiritual traditions there is a Law of Three, or Threefold law.  That which you give out comes back to you 3 times over.  Some call it Karma.  If you give out positivity, you get back more positivity, and the same works for negativity.

So, in summary, there is a place for the support groups.  Somewhere to rant, rage, hate, let off steam, expel anger and meet others who can understand and share their experiences without judgement, however each and every one of us is responsible for their own lives, happiness, healing and well being.  No one can cure you, no one can save you, no one can make it all better with the swish of a wand, but we all have the ability to make life easier for ourselves, to break bad habits and try and see ourselves and situations from a different perspective.   

When I was at Uni, there was a lad who only drew in red.  Everything he did was created in red.  He was a bit worried about it, as he didn't want to lose marks.  The tutor was brilliant and said something that stuck with me ever since.. He said that the lad should go with it.. just work in red until the desire to work in red has gone.  At some point in the future he will get fed up with red and change to a different colour, but there was no point in trying to force it.  That's how I see the groups.  Women need it for a certain amount of time, they need a space to moan and offload, but that wont necessarily last forever, and in time, they will change the colour, or add colours, until they are off painting with all the colours the world has to offer.

Draw in red for a while, if that's what you need...  one day, you will change the colour, you will move on, you will change...  You may feel at the bottom of a deep dark pit, that everything you say is negative and then that in turn fuels MORE negativity, you may feel there is no way out, that you will always be like this, but you wont...  Nothing ever stays the same!

XX

New PMDD art...

It's day 4.  I've got a week without my kids.  I get ONE week a year without them, and it's my down time...  I've spent hours dreaming about nothing in particular over the past 4 days.  Someone I know recently called it 'silent staring'.  I've barely seen another living soul during the day.  I've hardly left the house.  Dreams of painting, drawing, shopping, trips out have all gone out the window.  I feel like I've wasted the time.

Damn.  I still have so much to conquer.  Normally I would retreat, withdraw, but not having the kids about is a massive change.  I can't settle, I'm not used to it, I feel lost.  So rather than use this time  to indulge, I've done nothing.  I've rested I suppose, but I still find it hard to rest when there feels like so little time to get things done.  If this had been next week, I would have had energy.  The decorating jobs may have got done, I would have been productive,  I would have been social but this week there has been no energy.

Today, I forced myself to sit with a piece of paper.  I know it will do me good if I get something drawn.  At least I would feel like I achieved something this week (other than holding it together during important yet stressful phone calls, of which there have been a few)  I've been feeling so frustrated with myself, so annoyed and stressed...  To avoid a potential disaster, I knew I had to do something.

I had no idea what I was going to draw.  I just drew a circle and picked up a pencil.  I used ink pencils, fine liners and a sharpie, water and a brush.  I didn't overly like what I was doing, but I stuck with it.  I don't really know what to say about it, so I'll let it speak for itself.  At least I did achieve something today.

Day 4 by Cat Hawkins

It's full moon this evening too, which never seems to help my mood.  It is also the festival of Lughnasadh, the first harvest, so there are lots of powerful energies going on.  I am hoping for a better day tomorrow and a weekend away under canvas and the stars.
Recharge and relax... properly.

PMDD and accountability

What is accountability?

In a nutshell it is about being responsible for your actions.

I recently had a friend of mine email me for support because she was getting a hard time from other PMDD sufferers about a video she made for you tube about PMDD and accountability.
This lady was the first person I had found who offered a group for PMDD, a site of valuable information and support.  If it weren't for her, I would probably still be out on a limb, not knowing where to turn, along with many other women who found her site all those years ago.  She has spent years helping other women with PMDD, and stuck her neck on the line to talk about accountability.  A subject that is hard to discuss within the realms of PMDD, and one that raises hackles and gets everyone all jumpy.

PMDD can seem to control you and your actions... verbally and physically.  It can turn you into a 'monster', wreck relationships and alienate you from those around you.

The one thing that sets PMDD apart from other illnesses, especially on the mental health front, is the fact that we always return to 'normal'.  We realise that we acted out of order or said terrible things.  This is one thing that is the most difficult to deal with when in a loving relationship.  I recently described it as being whipped up into a tornado and then being dumped out the other side.

So, being accountable for you actions is one step further towards healing.  You cannot blame everything on the PMDD.  You cannot be a complete bitch to everyone who loves you and expect no one to get hurt, or to end up walking away because of things you've said and done.  Normal people without PMDD can get hurt too.

Yes, it's sometimes hard to control an outburst, or to stop yourself from doing something stupid, but ultimately, it is YOU who are doing these things.  You are not possessed by the devil, you are not schizophrenic.  It may feel like this, but you aren't.  You ARE responsible for your actions and what you say.

I remember watching this you tube video years ago, and feeling a whole load of mixed feelings.  On one hand I could agree that I should be held accountable for the things I did, but on the other hand, I was thinking... but I can't control it, it's not ME doing these things or saying nasty stuff, it's the PMDD me.... COP OUT!  It is me that allows myself to say these things.. it is me that regularly made every ones lives hell.. no one else... ME.

Realising that I have to be accountable, meant I began to try to curb my outbursts.  I began to realise that the innocent person in front of me who was only trying to help didn't deserve to have their heads ripped off cos I was having a bad day.  Sometimes, an episode was so severe, that I couldn't control it, but over time, I have learned that to heal PMDD and to allow others to love and help me, I absolutely had to find ways of dealing with my bad feelings.

We often take our stuff out on others, and sometimes this isn't even because of something they have done.. it's a past issue that is rearing it's ugly head, and is being channeled into rage for someone else... Often women with PMDD will experience people around them leaving due to the fact they can't deal with the abuse.  This then feeds the negative thoughts that you are not worthy of love, that everyone hates you or you are a bad person.  YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE, YOU DO DESERVE FRIENDS AND RELATIONSHIPS!!  but how do you expect loved ones to cope with abuse every month without ending up at breaking point themselves?

Being accountable means you must deal with the consequences of what you say and do.  It is a hard topic to get your head around.  It is even harder to fight the urge to destroy everything around you, but fight you must, if you want those people to stay in your life.  No one owes you anything, and in my experience, those that love you and understand, just want to help and see you happy.  They don't then deserve to have strips teared off them.  You can sit in guilt and regret, you can feel bad and beat yourself up and then do the same thing every month, OR you can do something about it.

Learning self control and self restraint is key.  Learning how to channel that aggressive energy into something other than an offensive outburst is key.  After months of damaging my relationship every month via text messages to my partner, that were abusive, nasty, negative, self defeating and unreasonable, we came to the point when we split.  That was the consequences of my actions.  Luckily, there was enough love and strength there to come back together after a break, but not without big discussions regarding what we both needed.  I needed more support.. how the hell I thought I was going to get more support by freezing him out and sending him nasty messages I do not know....  He needed the messages to stop, and for me to allow him to help rather than target him as an enemy.  That was a year ago, and thankfully we are still together and very happy.

Nowadays, I stay away from my phone on bad days.  I sleep it off, or find something to occupy my mind.  Occasionally.. and it is very occasionally, I slip up and a nasty text will wing its way to him at work...  I'm hurting for whatever reason, usually during a wobbly time of the month and I will want him to hurt.. except, I don't want him to hurt, I want him with me, helping, consoling me, but because he's not, I get angry and I may lose control for a second.  I always regret it and end up apologising straight away, but I run the risk of that text being the text that makes him walk away...

STOP and THINK before you allow yourself to run at the mouth.  Take a minute to think about how that text, status update or answerphone message will be recieved.  Does that person really deserve it?  Is there a better way to express the anger and rage?  Would it be better to go to bed, take a bath or go for a walk?  When you start helping yourself and controlling your PMDD, you will find others are more willing to help and try and understand.

If you still believe that you are not in control and that when a PMDD episode takes over you should not be held accountable for your actions then ponder this...

We often relate to feeling like another person, an evil twin, Jekyll and Hyde...  when we are in the 'other' state we may feel like we have schizophrenia... yet we do not have schizophrenia...
We are both blessed and cursed in that we do still have our right mind somewhere in there.  It may be clouded with emotions and negativity, but it is still there.  Unlike schizophrenic people who lose all concept of the real person they are and end up with a complete different personality for days or weeks, we always return to ourselves, often stronger than we were before.
If a schizophrenic person committed a crime, say, a murder.. does that mean we should let them off because they were not in their right mind?  If a women with PMDD did something terrible during an outburst, should they not be held accountable?  I'm pretty sure, in one way or another, that person would need to be sectioned or imprisoned,  they are a danger to society because they do not know what they have done....  Obviously this is a hypothetical example, but if the negative reactions, aggressive and abusive outbursts are not controlled then who knows what you could be capable of.
I'm not going to get into here about diminished responsibility and the times that PMDD has been used in court, but it has, and on those occasions, it is accepted that the PMDD caused the person to be acting out of character.  Those are extreme cases, and each would be looked into individually.  I'm sure no one would want to end up in a situation like this, so being responsible for your actions on a basic daily level is important.

You ARE accountable for your actions.  If you really feel you aren't, then the problem may be more serious than PMDD or your PMDD may have got so severe you really need to seek more help.  PMDD is not an excuse or get out clause for being a total cow to everyone.

And as a PS to the ladies that are leaving nasty, negative comments to my friend who has done SO much to help others with PMDD, check yourselves...  You talk of sisterhood yet leave messages that are offensive and nasty to someone who has been brave enough to make a video to try and help, about something that is difficult to talk about... where is the sisterhood there?

You can find the original video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bp1H2eAxDSU

Christmas is coming...

I'm beginning to dread it already.  It just makes me sad and highlights everything that I dont have, and brings up bad memories from the past.
All the adverts about parties and family... getting dressed up and going out, visiting family, fun, happiness...
Facebook is full of photo's of other people having fun.  Why dont I feel that excitement?

Feeling sorry for myself today.  I'm frustrated by my thoughts, no-one understands.  Oh.. look at all those lovely party clothes, make-up, shoes.... I dont get invited out.  I guess friends have given up asking.  Who would blame them?  I have had invites in the past, to various things, but there's been many times when I cant go.  Either moods, or fear has got in the way.  I've missed so much in the past, and it just seperates me from everyone else even more.  My social life is dead, and Christmas just rubs it in my face.

I dont have lots of family to visit, and they rarely visit me.  Some things are just too difficult.  It's hard to put my emotions aside when they make me feel physically sick, and my head cant think about much else than everything I'm missing out on.  I'm hoping this year will be better than previous ones, but how can I stop the feelings coming up.. how do I ignore them?   I cant relax at the moment, I'm stressy and moody and have an overwhelming feeling of sadness.  I'm angry with myself, frustrated, and I feel stupid.  Another weekend written off, and another one closer to Christmas.

I feel lonely.  A loner...  I never wanted my life to be like this.  I always wanted to have lots of friends, be part of something, go out and have fun, but it hasnt ended up like that, and the opportunities dont come anymore.
It's my own fault, and I do realise that, but it doesnt stop it hurting, and it doesnt stop me wishing life was a bit more exciting.  Study, kids, housework, bills, moods... and repeat, over, and over again. 

I'd happily go to sleep now and wake up at the end of February.

Week 9/10

Had my 3rd Zoladex injection last Monday. I enjoyed a week of feeling better but then, crashed again.

My libido has completely disappeared. I keep getting severe headaches in the evenings, and still get the occasional hot flush, but they have calmed down over the weeks. My appetite is still on or off, as is sleep.

I feel like it's still too hard to tell if this is working for me. I spoke to my gynaecologist. Her plan was to stop the zoladex after 3 injections, to see what happens. I already know what will happen. I will go mental again, my family and friends will suffer a whole batch of crazy moods, and my life will stop again... although, life in the injection isn't a huge amount better. I certainly cant make a decision to have surgery based on what I've experienced so far.

My doc wants me to see him in the morning, to discuss anti-depressants. I spent so long on them before, and felt so much better when I was off them. I really dont want to take anything else. Zoladex for the hormones, painkillers for the headaches, and possibly HRT if I stay on the injections for longer than 3 months. I was a raving alternative, natural therapies kinda girl, and now I find my self, having to live a life full of serious chemicals.
Zoladex is a chemotherapy drug, used to reduce the size of fibroids, tumors and cancerous tissue, in breast cancer and prostrate cancer. I can tell you 10 years ago, I wouldn't have ever considered it.

The overwhelming feelings, when dealing with all this in my head makes me panic. I want to run away. I want to get in the car and drive and drive. I dont want to have to have responsibility for my kids, for the bills, for shopping and cooking. I just want to go away and hopefully come back well. The reality is, I get so suicidal, my thoughts take over. All day (in my head) I'm shown options, ways of ending it, ways of escaping, only then, my mind shows me the results of my actions. It tortures me with my childrens pain. I know only too well what is like growing up without a Mother.
It's like my own worst enemy lives inside my head, constantly reminding me how terrible I am, how I will never be able to cope, never find peace, a balance, or happy medium.

Will I ever have a job? and just earn and live like other people? or study? Will I ever be able to concentrate on anything? Will I ever love myself enough to get new clothes, feel good about me, look after myself, feel comfortable in my body, as me?

I'm so tired of this. Tired of the fight to make it to the end of the day, and the next and the next.

No-one has an answer, everything is trial and error, I dont fit in any boxes, and every day, week and moth that passes, I'm getting older, and older, and achieving less and less.

I just want this nightmare to end. :(

Recovery from PMDD

I wish this was about me... maybe one day, but I just had to start by directing you to a fellow ex-sufferer's website.

http://reallifepmdd.blogspot.com/

Donna has been on national television and newspapers talking about PMDD. It is her story that has made me start making enquiries about trying out hormone treatments for my PMDD.

Currently I have a Mirena coil (IUD) to try and stabilize the cramps and bleeding. It seems to be working ok on the physical stuff, but my moods are still terrible.
I have 2 weeks to wait till I can get my first Zoladex injection, which will put me into a temporary menopause for a month. I need 3 months worth to see if it will really have any effect.

So now i'm facing the menopause. With the injections and then, if successful, a full hysterectomy. I'm 32.

Needless to say that this revelation is a very sharp double edged sword, and my head is in a spin. It should be a forgone conclusion. I want this nightmare to end. BUT what if... what if the symptoms of menopause are just as bad? what if I have the injection and nothing changes and it's not PMDD? what if i have it and end up a dangerous mental wreck?

I've had a bad day today, and i'm just so tired..

Losing it

Today and yesterday I have been so low, to the point of despair.
I have no pot to smoke to get me through, so I am now on the Vodka. No point in pretending I can get through this with meditation, love and light as my thoughts are just too destructive

Just today, my brain has told me to, pack my bags, leave my baby with someone safe and leave, get in the car and drive and drive till I find somewhere to stay, with the intention of never returning.

OR

Pack all my partners stuff and tell him to leave. I want to be on my own..

OR

Smoke and drink till I cant feel the pain anymore. I would prefer to smoke but where I live is completely dry, so the little local Tesco's come to my rescue by selling quarter bottles of Voddy. Ahhh fuck it, what's the point in it all anyway?

Whats the point in an illness that means I cant be me for more than a few days?

Whats the point is battling?

Whats the point in fighting?

I have always felt like I am jinxed, like I have some curse on me. Is this what life will be like for another 30 years? I'm actually amazed I made it to 30. I thought I would be dead and buried by my early twenties. Maybe I really am just living on borrowed time now?

I apologise for being so self absorbed and depressed. I apologise to anyone who cant be arsed with moaning poeple like me. But in the grand scheme of things, you don't have to read or comment, I'm just fed up with pretending i'm ok.

Blocked

So today, I have woken up with a foul mood. I'm grumpy, just want to be alone, and very moody. I upset everyone this morning, my thoughts have been wild, and all I have wanted to do is sit and draw or paint. I have been trying to think all day about where to start with my canvas. A million and one ideas flow through me. All different ideas, I start one, I leave it, I think about another, I dont like it, I repaint over my canvas for the second time.

I toy with the idea of getting out my paints and just going for it.. but every which way I turn, there is a reason not to.

I am on my own in the house... the way I like it when I'm feeling like this, but at the same time, I still have no peace, there is still no quiet in my mind. I'm whirling round on that wheel of fortune again, attempting to grab for the peaceful centre point, but with no success.

I am thankful for my attempts at living up to my challenge of writing for 10 mins a day. Now I have written a little, I think I know what to do on that bloody canvas. All I want to paint is dots. Points... centre points... where I want to be.

A dot. The start. The beginning of any mark made on paper. The tiny hole a compass makes at the centre of the circle.

I want to create something that takes time, that is repetitive... Like a mantra, or a chant, repeated over and over.

There's my 10 mins... I'm gonna go see if I can actually do this....

Day 24

So, where have I been... well, this is the nature of the beast. Although I havent been bouncing off the walls and rejoicing my eternal happiness, life has been ticking over and I havent felt the irritation of life wash over me... Until today.

In fact, far from being 'normal' and happy, the past 2 weeks have been low, I have for the most part, stayed indoors, and kept myself to myself. There have been times when I have wanted to visit, and write, but due to time being so short when I can think clearer, I didn't want to get into moaning.

The weekend of the 13/14th, ovulation, was awful. I was so down and depressed, and alone.

I am behind on bills and shopping, I am broke, and now, to top it all, my partner had an operation on Monday and is now off work for 4 weeks. Before he went into hosp, a situation arose, one which hurt and upset me. I would rather be doing anything other than nursing him. I am angry with him, but it's all brushed under the carpet again.

I am due on in the next few days. It is full moon on friday, and I really havent a clue how I am going to cope with it all. My eldest daughter is back at the weekend too. I should be looking forward to it, but to be honest, she is just another source of stress.

I have an appointment with another psychiatrist on friday, but far from getting my hopes up, or hoping they will be able to help, I know I'll be a puzzle, a mystery, and they'll offer plenty of stuff that will never happen.

Down on the world again... yup.

It continues...

Third day now of feeling terrible.

I've been an ogre this morning, and my eldest daughter copped it.

She doesnt deserve the harsh words, the criticism, the things I say that make her feel unwanted. Thats what I went through. Not in such a direct way, but the message was the same. I dont want you.. go live with your Dad.. In truth he wont have her living with him and nor would mine.

How do I ever make up for all the awful things I've said? She will never be able to trust me, my words, as there is no consistency. As with the PMDD.. life potters along OK, and then.. BAM.. Mummy's going mental again.

I'd like to say it's day 1 of my moon, but in reality, it's not really started yet. I'm still waiting for the painful cramping and agonising backache. That lasts a day or two. Maybe it will start later today. It would be so much easier if it was clean cut.. on.. off.. but I've learned that periods dont work like that for me. The curse? yes.. it's my curse.

The 'Fairground Mirror' effect has been with me since Saturday too... that experience of everything you wore last week now looks terrible when you put it on. You look at yourself in the mirror and cant believe how bad you look, how fat you are, how bad your hair is. How can YOU go outside looking like that? All my self confidence vanishes, and I make myself believe that staying in is the only option, that, or go out anyway and feel paranoid.

Funnily enough, I read a quote this morning:
"Trying to find a cure for PMS, is like trying to find a cure for being a woman".

It begs the question, HOW do I ever get my life back? If this is just me, and my unfortunate luck to have a body that reacts badly to it's own hormones, and there is no cure, this is just the way it is... How do I survive? How can I possibly bring up my children the way they deserve?

I've been thinking that my way out would be to get a job, to have something to work for, some money, some time away from being Mum. At times like this I then wonder if I could ever hold down a job and what would happen if this hit and I had to go to work. Lets face it, It's gonna happen once a month. I always prided myself on being a confident, happy, dedicated employee. I never pull sickies, I like to work, but when I feel like this i'm likely to just tell the Boss to piss off and shove his job.. either that of end up having so much time off sick there would be no point in working.

What to do?

The doc will want me back on the Prozac. If I felt like it would bring relief, I would, but my moods still happen, It's just takes the edge off it. What my life really needs is an overhaul. When will I find the time for that?
Small steps are fine, if I didnt have to keep leaping off course to be a Mother.

I hope I remeber to write this when I'm having good days too... I'm a nice person really.

(Today was DAY 1 afterall)