Third day now of feeling terrible.
I've been an ogre this morning, and my eldest daughter copped it.
She doesnt deserve the harsh words, the criticism, the things I say that make her feel unwanted. Thats what I went through. Not in such a direct way, but the message was the same. I dont want you.. go live with your Dad.. In truth he wont have her living with him and nor would mine.
How do I ever make up for all the awful things I've said? She will never be able to trust me, my words, as there is no consistency. As with the PMDD.. life potters along OK, and then.. BAM.. Mummy's going mental again.
I'd like to say it's day 1 of my moon, but in reality, it's not really started yet. I'm still waiting for the painful cramping and agonising backache. That lasts a day or two. Maybe it will start later today. It would be so much easier if it was clean cut.. on.. off.. but I've learned that periods dont work like that for me. The curse? yes.. it's my curse.
The 'Fairground Mirror' effect has been with me since Saturday too... that experience of everything you wore last week now looks terrible when you put it on. You look at yourself in the mirror and cant believe how bad you look, how fat you are, how bad your hair is. How can YOU go outside looking like that? All my self confidence vanishes, and I make myself believe that staying in is the only option, that, or go out anyway and feel paranoid.
Funnily enough, I read a quote this morning:
"Trying to find a cure for PMS, is like trying to find a cure for being a woman".
It begs the question, HOW do I ever get my life back? If this is just me, and my unfortunate luck to have a body that reacts badly to it's own hormones, and there is no cure, this is just the way it is... How do I survive? How can I possibly bring up my children the way they deserve?
I've been thinking that my way out would be to get a job, to have something to work for, some money, some time away from being Mum. At times like this I then wonder if I could ever hold down a job and what would happen if this hit and I had to go to work. Lets face it, It's gonna happen once a month. I always prided myself on being a confident, happy, dedicated employee. I never pull sickies, I like to work, but when I feel like this i'm likely to just tell the Boss to piss off and shove his job.. either that of end up having so much time off sick there would be no point in working.
What to do?
The doc will want me back on the Prozac. If I felt like it would bring relief, I would, but my moods still happen, It's just takes the edge off it. What my life really needs is an overhaul. When will I find the time for that?
Small steps are fine, if I didnt have to keep leaping off course to be a Mother.
I hope I remeber to write this when I'm having good days too... I'm a nice person really.
(Today was DAY 1 afterall)