PMDD in Chat it's fate magazine.

Today, my story came out in the August edition of Chat it's fate magazine.  I was contacted by them earlier in the year to share my story about PMDD, the menstrual cycle and my art.  I felt this was a way to raise some awareness of how severe PMS can become, along with how I came to heal myself from the worst symptoms.  If you would like to read my story you can find it in all larger newsagents for the next month.

If you are interested in finding out more about PMDD, please check out my PMDD blog, Meet My PMDD, or visit the UK's National Association for Premenstrual Syndrome (NAPS) or the USA's National Association for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

To find out more about the alternative ways of understanding the menstrual cycle, please have a read through my Natural Shaman blog, particularly the article I wrote for Indie Shaman magazine, The Magic of the Menstrual Cycle and my experience at a menstrual workshop with Alexandra Pope.

Sign up to learn more about your menstrual cycle with Red School Online.  Red School Online is a new way to learn about your cycle, with peer support, fantastic learning tools and private group chat.  Go check it out!

Red School also features some of my work in their teaching materials, you can find my poster in my Etsy store.  If you would like to see more of my feminine art work, please visit my gallery over at chaoticat.com.

How do you feel about being a woman?

Guest blogger Emma shares with us some thoughts about the bigger picture of PMDD.  First published in one of my support groups.. we all thought it too good not to share!

The fact is, I hate being a woman, always have, might always will. I hate it so much that for a brief moment years ago, I even contemplated turning into a man. I wished I had been born a man, because they have it so bloody easy, and I almost resent them for just being men and having it so easy. Women have so much to put up with in their lives, so much shit to have to go through. Not only do men have it easy, but they don't realise how easy they have it....I find that annoying too. 

I actually get quite envious of my husband because he has been able to live his life without any bother in the world. Everyday floats into the next. He can complete his projects, because he has mentally got the stamina and the motivation to do it. He puts his head on the pillow, and within seconds he is snoring, without a care in the world. Where as, as soon as I think I'm getting somewhere in life, (in my 2 weeks of feeling well) even if it's just getting into a routine with housework, or being able to get up in the morning feeling happy and joyful, something soon comes back and tells me I can't do it, and stops me from wanting to, and stops me from being able to. I have had a lifetime of feeling depressed, with tiny bits of happiness and glimpses of what life could be like if I was free to feel joy constantly, like my husband can.

Women throughout the ages have had it so hard. It has been a constant battle from the word dot (...or so it seems. It would be interesting to see at what point it was in our ancient past when being a women became in issue). Women have always been the ones who never had any rights, who were always disgraced if they stepped out of line. Who were, and still are, taken advantage of. Women have always been nothing more than objects for men to own. If a women fell pregnant out of wedlock, or had an affair whilst married and subsequently gave birth to a bastard child, society (mainly men) punished her, and she would live for ever more in disgrace. Often sent to the workhouses, and made to wear Black and Yellow striped uniform to warn everyone of their disgraceful behaviour, and having their children taken off them because they are classed as not being good enough to care for their children anymore due to their disgraceful behaviour.

Yet it is perfectly acceptable for men to have affairs, to 'spread their seed', to have their cake and eat it, and in some countries, have several wives!!! Why can't women be like that? Why can't women have several husbands? Men are classed as being a bit of a stud when he sleeps around. Yet women are labelled as whores. Why do we have to be the whores? Why do we have to have the crap end of the deal with everything?

Women were institutionalized in the olden days, because they were labelled insane, when really all that was wrong was a bit of PMT, or serious hormonal issues. Women's issues have always been a taboo, and women are looked down upon as the weaker sex. Menstruation is classed as dirty, and is seen as a 'problem', even an illness. 

Women were burnt at stakes, Drowned in the rivers, and hanged because they were supposedly witches.....Lordy knows, I would have been burnt a long time ago if these present days were anything like the past.
Even today, women are stoned to death because she is not allowed to have any feelings, or any rights for herself. She is still owned in some cultures, and women are still being sold as we speak, like objects. Families choosing who and when their daughters should marry. In some countries, as soon as a girl starts her periods, she is sold to a pedophile to get married. Girls even younger, 7 years old for god sake, are being sold for marriage to these sick bastards. Women are used and abused, because men think they can, and because they think they have a god given right to do as they please. 

But when anything comes down to blame, it's almost always the woman that takes it all, it's almost always the woman that looks bad. She is the one that has sinned, and not the man.

All the pain we have to go through, all the physical changes we have to put up with for the majority of our lives, the pain of child birth, the ever lasting damage it causes our bodies. And then there's all the household chores, and the fact that the woman has duties, to her husband, and her children.The physical abuse, the mental abuse, making the woman feel vulnerable and powerless.

My husband is amazing, and doesn't expect anything from me. But that's because he's my equal, and I just think I am lucky. Although I have had an idiot for a partner in my past, and I was lucky enough to see sense and get out while I could. Not before he created some damage though one way or another. I know so many men out there too who are complete twats to their wives, or girlfriends, because they believe that the woman's place is in the home, doing all their duties. 

I just wonder whether any of these issues affect other women, or is it just me? 
.....If we dislike being women, for what ever reason, then maybe we are unconsciously rejecting the natural changes that being a woman is all about....do you see what I mean?

I was told by someone last year that I will be coming into 'my power', but I never quite understood what was meant. I think I understand now. The power that was meant is the feminine power that we all hold within ourselves. The stuff we are made of, but which has been suppressed by men. If you think about it, with almost every species in the world, it is always the females that lead. She dominates the males to get what she wants. Ants, for example, get their wings in order to find a queen to mate with her. But as soon as he has mated, he dies, because he is no longer needed. The rest of the males are workers for the queen. You don't ever find a 'King Bee', only Queens, because she is the one with the greater strength to lead and carry on. 
We also have the strength to lead, and be great. We are built strong, so we can carry our babies and love them unconditionally. We have the strength to face the pain we endure during birth. I think we're all pretty much in agreement that men wouldn't stand a chance. They say that birth is the closest point to death a women will ever be (without dying of course), so we are built physically and mentally strong enough to be more than capable to do it over and over again. We have the power, but it has been suppressed for centuries. But now it's time to take it back.

I think I need to take back my power now. I did have a taste of it last year, and my Yoga helped a lot. I just need to believe in myself, and know that the power exists within me.

by Emma PF

This is not the end.

It's been a while since I've written a blog, and there are many reasons for this. Life stuff takes over sometimes and attention needs to be elsewhere, but alongside this, I have been coming to some very different conclusions about my own PMDD. I have mentioned before about how hard it is to explain and express all the things that have changed within me since I started this blog, and I have felt a real inner conflict for many months now.

Some of the things I have learned means my view of PMDD has changed massively. When I started this blog, and began sharing my story and understandings, I was in a dark place. This was due to many things alongside PMDD. PMDD was not solely responsible for my life feeling too hard to bear. I can look back and see that now, but when you are caught up in the daily drama, it's easy to feel like PMDD is to blame for all of life's shortcomings. In 5 years, my life has changed dramatically, and in those years I have found friends, fellow sufferers and other people like me.

When I say 'other people like me' I mean those who also have PMDD, but are choosing to work spiritually with it rather than continue down the route of believing that we need to be 'fixed' or that there is something inherently wrong with us.

I no longer believe there is anything wrong with me. The past 5 years have taken me to the depths of despair, but they have also been so valuable. PMDD has actually been the most powerful guide I could have had. I know many readers may think I've lost the plot, or that maybe, I could never have really suffered with PMDD to begin with, and that's fine. You can judge me however you like.

I come across a lot of women through the PMDD community page, and many want a 'cure'. Many want a magic tablet to make everything better. They want labels and recognition for that label. PMDD is just a label. It's the label doctors give to a woman who is sensitive to the hormonal changes in the body, and when those hormonal changes create a string of infinite symptoms that becomes life destroying. Some people want it to be a mental disorder, some want it to be an endocrine disorder and some believe it originates in the gut. I shared an article recently about PMDD being labelled a mental disorder, and someone commented saying that if it was all in the mind then how did it a hysterectomy cure her? Thing is, the brain controls everything, it controls the production of hormones, and it is affected by hormones. Hysterectomy is the ultimate off switch. The brain no longer needs to tell the body to make those hormones. Having a hysterectomy may be the most successful way of treating PMDD to date, but it is an extreme measure to take, especially if you want children and haven't been able to conceive. So it may be effective, but is it the best way? Swapping PMDD for early menopause has never been something I have wanted to do. I know a few women who have had their PMDD 'cured' by means of hysterectomy, some have had other problems occur, some haven't, but on the most part, I hear many women say they are glad to have had it done, and I for one am happy that they are no longer suffering and have a chance at a new life without PMDD. There are many different views on the causes of PMDD. The only I would like to say for certain is it is a imbalance in the body and mind which can have devastating effects.

We all need more research to be done. Its almost 2014 and we still don't fully understand the workings of the female body, we don't know why hormones create such illusions and dysphoria in the brain. We don't know the root cause of PMDD (if there is one). There is research being done, all be it a few small studies here and there, but still not enough is known. The doctors don't understand it, and there are very few specialists. I'd like to point out that we are talking about the medical realm right now, so when I say doctors and specialists, I mean the people conventionally trained in conventional medicine. Doctors, more often than not, want to help, but they are in the dark too. They have drugs that are unlicensed for PMDD but treat conditions similar to PMDD, so that's what we get. They try, but always remember that the doctors are just ONE aspect or avenue to healing, and often, they are working with pharmaceutical companies pushing their products, getting people reliant on yet another expensive drug. They will look at PMDD ONE way, and often dismiss others.

Turning my back on medication was the best thing I ever did. Saying away from the health services unless absolutely necessary. This is my story, my reality, I am not suggesting anyone do the same. This is what's ended up silencing me so often. How do I share my healing and this amazing transition when it is so personal to me?

I think that people have their own realities and most tend to stay within certain ideals. If it is your belief that taking a pill can cure you, then maybe you will find peace or ways to manage PMDD by using medication. If your belief is that removing your womb will cure the problem then you are more likely to go for that option when your symptoms are out of control. If you believe that talking therapy and mind techniques such as CBT is the way then you may find that successful for you. You also have to factor in what 'pay offs' there are with each belief. Medication will most likely come with side effects. Surgery might mean HRT. Talking therapies may not help physical symptoms.

My belief is that my body can create illness. That the mind and body are closely interlinked and often, an illness in the body is connected to, maybe even created by the brain. If my dis-ease in the body is stemming from dis-ease in the brain then surely, healing the brain can heal the body? By healing the brain, or re-training the brain, we can break out of the cyclical patterns that PMDD can put us in. My life 5 years ago was chaotic (it still is.. but in a good way nowadays) There were many things going on that would make the sanest and strongest of women cry and feel like life wasn't worth living.

PMDD almost responds to how well you are living your life. For me, being really unwell is a measure of the stress in my life at that moment. I've spent 3 years observing my moods and monthly cycles. I am not free of mood swings, manic craziness and deep depression, but I am free of almost all of the negative self beliefs I held about myself, the extra nastiness that clings onto you after an 'episode'. I don't spend days beating myself up, telling myself how shit I am, convincing myself I am not loved or wanted like I used to. I get up, take a deep breath and get on with life again. I've manage to reduce the drama of PMDD. I'm learning how to communicate better, how to avert disaster by using the right words. Things that seem so simple, yet these simple things really have changed my life.

5 years ago I didn't really have any hopes for the future, I didn't know where I was going, what I wanted. Two young children and a mood disorder that seemed to ruin everything. I hated life. I guess it's something that all young mums go through at some point. The feeling like you'll never have a career, that the things you are interested in are at the bottom of the pile of importance. I was also in a terrible relationship and hadn't dealt with all my childhood stuff. Add PMDD symptoms at their worst and BAM, there I was. Now, it seems logical looking back, that my symptoms were at their worst because of the state my life was in, but you don't know when your are in that moment that this is the worst moment you'll ever have, or that things will even change. You get locked into a belief that things will stay the same forever, but that is the only thing of absolute certainty, everything changes, nothing stays the same.

I now live day to day with my 'PMDD'. On the most part I am fine, although I have noticed I seem to have 2 almighty crashes a year around spring and autumn, which corresponds to pre-ovulation (spring) and pre-menstruation (autumn). The only other times I crash is when life gets really stressful. Stress is relative. What I can cope with is different to what another can cope with. Life has been tough this year and I have had to test my methods against some really challenging situations. Thankfully, I came through it all, I survived, and any women PMDD or not, would have felt the pressure. When the darkness or craziness hits, I hold on. I know it will pass, I use the things I know will help me.

All this change however does mean saying goodbye to certain things. Blogging about my PMDD helped through the worst times. Writing articles and researching helped develop my understanding and open my mind to new ideas. Meeting so many lovely women through the blog and on Facebook has been the best return for the hours spent.

I now feel like I am well enough to start building a career, and wheels have been in motion for a while. PMDD and depression can mean you spend long periods of time looking at your life and working out what it is you want to do. I realised that I want my life to be about creating, about art, about teaching and living a mindful life. I don't want to spend my hours anymore focusing on PMDD in a way that pleases the masses. I don't want to have to try and explain myself to people who don't really care.
I worry that I will upset people, because my views have changed. I started a campaign to get PMDD recognised, because for that medical world, it NEEDS to be, but at the same time, I no longer want to carry the label. I use the label for society's sake, to give them something they can understand, but my inner belief is not that I have some terrible disorder that I have no control over. I have something that not many people can begin to comprehend. I have something that can actually be very useful to me.

Running the groups on FB and interacting with people on the community page can be really stressful. It takes my time and focus away from the positive things in my life, so these days I tend to limit my participation. I often feel bad for this, but I have to let go and move on. I find few people ready to even contemplate the possibility that they have the power to control and manage PMDD without meds, anything that I post that isn't mainstream gets jumped on, and my motives questioned. I have only ever been a Sharer Of Information! I share more things I have no personal interest in than things that I believe in... and this is where things have to change. I can't even stand the name of this blog anymore! MY PMDD! HA! I even claimed it as mine... well it isn't any longer.

I have to find my voice within the alternative PMDD realm and find the others like me. I have plans, but there is still some way to go, and my main priority is my art, spirituality and teaching. Thats what I want to spend my time on. I can no longer spend time on projects that feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. For now, I am in control and that means we go full steam ahead on projects. My cyclical energy still means I have downtime every month, but y'know, I think I'm healthier for it, and there are certainly less battles. I will write here occasionally, but the PMDD Awareness site is going to be taken down. I did it because I could, and because I thought it was needed and helpful, but I cannot maintain it and promote it. Anything I do from now on with regard to PMDD is gonna be a reflection of my beliefs and experiences, for other women out there who want to try managing their moods in an alternative way. This blog will stay as is and I may update from time to time to let you know about any new projects I may have in the future, but essentially, this is the end of an era.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.. Thank you for all the support you've all given me over the years, I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for each and every interaction I ever had through this blog and Facebook.

As always... thanks for reading.

Positive or Negative?

There has been some chat in the support group recently about positivity and negativity.  Support groups (and I mean any, not just mine) can be negative places and I mean negative in that most of what is discussed originates from a post that may be very negatively worded.

I started the groups on Facebook mainly because that was where I met other sufferers, for the first time, only a lot of the time I found myself not feeling comfortable sharing on an open wall for all to see.  Hence my closed groups were born.  This meant for me and many others that we had somewhere to write about our problems and worries, somewhere to rant and vent.  This often avoided the same rants or venting on personal pages, allowing people to seek help from an audience that completely understood why that person was having issues.  The problem with ranting to friends or in front of family is that quite often they do not really understand PMDD and therefore can assume all manner of things about the PMDD sufferer.

Lots of valuable information is shared in the groups, and over the past 2 years I have seen women find treatments and paths that have helped them manage their PMDD and lives to the point of leaving the groups never to return.   Some leave and come back after realising they are not quite ready to go it alone.  Having access to a group of women who completely understand really helps to transform the way you see PMDD, the way you see yourself and the world around you.

I have tried to make the groups a positive place, and many women post lots of positive messages, or update us on the good days as well as the bad, however, many feel they should not share the good days for fear of upsetting those on bad days.  Some may wonder if we are all just dwelling on it too much and keeping ourselves in a space of pain and hurt.  The way I see it is we all need support to find our path.  Some ladies may find that just a few kind words can transform their day, but the only way they are going to get a response is to share the negative situation they find themselves in.  Some ladies may only need the support of a group for a couple of months, some may need a couple of years.  This difference is because we are all unique and are at various points on our healing paths.

I think it's OK to have a space that absorbs all the negative.  Writing things down is known to be a good way to transform thoughts into something more tangible, real.  That way we can then release them.  I used to worry and dislike the way the Facebook wall works.  I was used to forums where you could go back on old posts and comments, and I could see (and still do) some really useful ways a forum could work, aside from the fact people wouldn't have to repeat themselves or have the same discussion over and over, and women could also look back and see how far they've come, or find past posts easier.  Unfortunately, the FB wall doesn't lend itself to this very well... it's a dumping ground.  The good thing about this however, is we are NOT reminded of the bad days all the time, the past is the past and is rarely brought back up for re-discussion.  This is good with regard to PMDD as we have these crazy, dark moments, but they are not us.. they may be typed up, posted, talked about and then are lost to the wall and we move on.

Each and every individual needs to take responsibility for themselves and their own healing, whether that includes meds or not.  I have always said the groups should not be a stress to anyone, and that if the negativity in the group is something that is causing you problems then you may need to take a break from the group (just like in life, really).  Many women only visit the group when they need to rant, or some may visit if they see a cry for help and they are strong enough to post a reply.  The support groups as they are work because they are really for one thing only, and that is to talk with other sufferers and find some understanding and sympathy.

What I would like to highlight though, is the power of negative words.  I think this is something all people should consider, but maybe women with PMDD more so.   

Last year, in our house, we tried The Big Apple Experiment.  You cut an apple in half and place it in identical glass, airtight jars, and then over the coming week/s you love one half and hate the other.

It was VERY easy to hate the hate half of the apple.  There was no trouble with finding hateful, hurtful things to say to that half of the apple.  My husband and I could rant at it for a while before running out of things to say, yet, when it came to saying lovely things to the other half, we all found it harder.  It even felt OK to hate, but when we tried to say loving things, it was not easy to find the words and we'd feel uncomfortable about expressing it.  What does that say about us?  Why do we not feel comfortable with speaking words of love and happiness?

Over the coming weeks we continued to talk to each half of the apple every day and the results were amazing.

You may be hugely skeptical, and if you are, I urge you to try it!  It's a great thing to do with the children to teach them about how their words can affect others, but it's also an eye opener as to what we may be doing to ourselves when we talk negatively about ourselves.  There is a lot of self hatred that goes on within PMDD groups, and of course, others will always give a hug and some reassuring words, but just LOOK at what you are potentially doing to yourself with negative words and thoughts.  These ideas, as mentioned in the video above, come from Masuru Emoto's work, which some of you may like to take a look at, and I also found another video!

It is good to rid yourself of negative emotions, we know that, however, when we see what that negativity can do to us and the people around us I think we all need to be more selective with our words, especially with the things we say to ourselves.  It's not about being all fluffy bunny and irritatingly positive all the time, but maybe finding more positive ways to look at things, and watching what you SAY and think.  Words have a massive impact on us, much more that we really realise.

As always, in the name of balance, I am also sharing a link with you which explores why positive thinking is NOT necessarily always good for you!  It's all great food for thought, and hopefully, somewhere in all this mornings ramblings, you may find something that helps you! http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creativity-and-personal-mastery/201004/why-positive-thinking-is-bad-you

The most important change I have made in my life with PMDD is that things are not BAD or GOOD.. POSITIVE or NEGATIVE... there are gifts to be found in the darkest of moments, there is positivity to be found even in the most awful situations.  I do not have good and bad weeks anymore, I have better weeks and more challenging weeks, or high energy weeks and low energy weeks.  I no longer allow myself to get sucked into self hatred and speaking terrible things at myself in the mirror.  I also curb what I say about others, knowing that that negative energy could find them and cause more rifts and friction.  In many spiritual traditions there is a Law of Three, or Threefold law.  That which you give out comes back to you 3 times over.  Some call it Karma.  If you give out positivity, you get back more positivity, and the same works for negativity.

So, in summary, there is a place for the support groups.  Somewhere to rant, rage, hate, let off steam, expel anger and meet others who can understand and share their experiences without judgement, however each and every one of us is responsible for their own lives, happiness, healing and well being.  No one can cure you, no one can save you, no one can make it all better with the swish of a wand, but we all have the ability to make life easier for ourselves, to break bad habits and try and see ourselves and situations from a different perspective.   

When I was at Uni, there was a lad who only drew in red.  Everything he did was created in red.  He was a bit worried about it, as he didn't want to lose marks.  The tutor was brilliant and said something that stuck with me ever since.. He said that the lad should go with it.. just work in red until the desire to work in red has gone.  At some point in the future he will get fed up with red and change to a different colour, but there was no point in trying to force it.  That's how I see the groups.  Women need it for a certain amount of time, they need a space to moan and offload, but that wont necessarily last forever, and in time, they will change the colour, or add colours, until they are off painting with all the colours the world has to offer.

Draw in red for a while, if that's what you need...  one day, you will change the colour, you will move on, you will change...  You may feel at the bottom of a deep dark pit, that everything you say is negative and then that in turn fuels MORE negativity, you may feel there is no way out, that you will always be like this, but you wont...  Nothing ever stays the same!

XX

Using Valerian at ovulation.

A more alternative and spiritual view of my PMDD and menstrual cycle can be found over on my Natural Shaman blog.

Today's post is about Valerian and it's magical properties.  I've been using valerian tea recently, during the day as an anti-anxiety/calming tea, rather than to sleep, but I have also found out some interesting correspondences and folk lore about the herb.

Click here to read my post about Valerian Magic - http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/valerian-magic.html

I HATE MY WOMB

 (New post up at my Natural Shaman blog)

As a long term sufferer of PMDD, I spent many years hating my womb, my cycle, my periods, they brought me so much pain and sadness.  Sent me crazy, upset and hurt the people I love and sometimes they succeeded in ruining my life.  I have not been able to work, participate in normal life, normal social activities.  I became reclusive, scared, isolated...  When I began to understand how I could change my perspective and USE these energies instead of fight against them, my life began to change.  I began to heal....

To read more about how I stopped hating my womb, please follow this link...
http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/i-hate-my-womb.html

The Magic of the Menstrual Cycle

New article up over at my Natural Shaman site!

If you are interested in alternative, spiritual ways to view the menstrual cycle, please go take a look!

http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/magic-of-menstrual-cycle.html

Incy Wincy Spider

Incy Wincy spider climbed up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain
and Incy Wincy spider went up the spout again!

No... I havent lost it completely.  It just dawned on me that this little nursery rhyme sums up PMDD!

We are Incy Wincy Spider, climbing up the spout.  That is life, that's part of our cycle.  Incy Wincy starts out at the bottom of the pipe... slowly slowly... starting the journey to the top.  The Spider reaches the top and see's storm clouds brewing.  Incy grips on for dear life, she knows she may not make it through the storm.  It start's to rain, and despite Incy Wincy's attempts to hold on to the top of the pipe.. the rain washes her out.  So now she is wet, dumped on the ground below.  She looks to the top of the spout again, and it seems so far away, but the Sun comes up, dries up the rain and dries off Incy Wincy, and she feels full of life and energy to start the journey again.  Remind you of our monthly battle against our hormones?

The water element represented in the spout and the rain is another feminine symbol.  Water is fluid and changeable, just like out emotions.  Hormones are like a drop of ink into a glass of water, they spread through the body, permeating everything.  Water and the feminine, would then connect us to the Moon...  the shadow, the storms.  Then the Sun comes out and everything is good again!  This little rhyme is packed with symbolism!

I have always been interested in the symbols behind our stories, myths and legends, so why not interpret this little rhyme!?

The spider is an interesting symbol.  The spider represents creativity, fertility, harmony and balance.  It is also symbolic of the past and the future.
There are many tales of Spider women in different cultures.  Many traditions consider the spider as the weaver of the fabric of life where they introduce both writing and the making in clothes.

In America storytellers composed myths of a spider woman who was present at the dawn of creation before humans were created. The spider woman taught people how top weave.....
The Spider symbol is associated to creativity and cunning always seen when the spider is dangling at the end of its thread. The symbol here will therefore be a sign of good luck because different communities think that it is bringing down joy from heaven. Amongst weavers it is a symbol of their craft. Spider is associated negatively in Europe because it is associated to hangover from the days of the Plague where it was thought to have spread the disease. Sourced from http://www.animal-symbols.com/spider-symbol.html

In Greek Mythology, the Goddess Arachne, was turned into the first spider.  Her father was a shepherd, who dyed wool the most beautiful of shades of purple.  Arachne was a skilled weaver, and was famous for her tapestries.  It was thought that Athena was the best weaver in the land, and she had taught Arachne to weave.  Arachne had challenged her to see who had the greater talent.
Athena's tapestry was holy, depicting the Gods and Goddesses in all their beauty.  Arachne's tapestry, although just as brilliant in execution, showed the ungodly side of the world, including Athena's father Zeus in compromising situations with the women he seduced and cheated with.

Illustration by Giovanni Caselli

In disgust, and fury, Athena ripped Arachne's tapestry to shreds.  Arachne had insulted the deities.  She realised that the truth being told in that way was too bold, that others were not happy to have such reality laid out before them.  She became so depressed and ashamed that she hung herself.

Athena, took pity on Arachne, and decided to let her live.  But as punishment she would forever hang, spin and weave.  She turned Arachne into a spider for being so vain as to believe she had a right to comment on the behavior of the Gods.

The message in this story is more of a warning.  The risk a woman takes (especially if she is talented) when she speaks out against the grain, when she questions authority, or an established order is high.  We are reminded that to speak the truth is to come from a place of love and compassion.

Anything said out of hatred, ego or pride will always hurt the person involved and more than likely you yourself.

I love it when my brain takes me off on a tangent, and then all the things I research connects in some way.

Just like Arachne, we develop this brash kind of truth telling.  Some call it The Critic, or the Bitch.  It's when we feel we are being challenged, and we panic.  The hormones are rushing and we lose all sense of what is right and wrong.  Our tongue becomes spiteful, we spew fury from a place of hate, believing we all of a sudden have the right to criticise others and 'tell them a thing or too'.  When we are in this place, we have to try and find calm.  Try and remember that the force we are feeling is hormonal and that the people around us are not 'out to get us' or purposely annoy us.  The only path this will lead us to is depression, feeling terrible and regretful and even suicidal.

If we can learn to look after ourselves and not expect everyone around us to figure out whats going on in our minds (especially when we don't know half the time either) we can have an easier time.  Truth, given kindly and from a place of love, will have better response from our loved ones.  If we can feel a storm, we don't have to drag everyone down with us.  It's batten down the hatches time.  It's tell your partner you need extra sleep that afternoon, or you have to go for a walk, or get away from the house.  You don't need to scream and tell them that everything they are doing is annoying, or wail and exclaim how unloved you feel.  If you have people around you who love you, they are there because they love you...  Just take yourself off somewhere to calm those irritable thoughts.  Stop the spring getting wound till it pings.

Incy Wincy could give up, she could throw a tantrum about the fact it rained again, but whats the point?  Why waste all that energy?  She has a spout to climb!

If you are interested in reading more about stories and their symbolism, I would recommend the book, Women who run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.
Obviously, this is just my interpretation, and others may look at it differently!


Many Blessings!

Alternative Menstrual Products.

A few posts back, I mentioned I used a Mooncup.  I had never blogged about it before as I just assumed that ladies would know about it.. however, with the help of my support group, it soon came to my attention that some didn't.

Did you know?

• A woman will dispose 16,800 pads or tampons in her lifetime.
• Approximately 20 billion pads, tampons and applicators are sent to North American landfills annually.
• In the UK alone, 4.3 billion disposable sanitary products are used every year.
• Disposable pads and tampons are made primarily of bleached kraft pulp or viscose rayon, the origin of which is wood cellulose from trees. What makes these products perform so effectively is the use of high tech chemicals such as super-absorbent acrylic polymers (SAPs) surfactant-laced gels and leak-proof plastic backings. The long-term health and environmental impact of these ingredients is contentious and largely unknown.
• More than 170,000 tampon applicators were collected along U.S. coastal areas between 1998 and 1999. 

(Stats and Facts from Lunapad, Mooncup and Diva Cup)

I found out about menstrual alternatives about 13 years ago.  I had a new born baby and was already a cloth nappy convert.  I heard of the Keeper Cup.  Some friends used them and would talk about how great they were.

I decided to buy one, and at that time, the company were offering a money back guarantee!  I used it for a couple of cycles, but it was pretty alien to me.  Tampons were easy, clean and pretty much always reliable, but when I first tried the Keeper Cup, I leaked everywhere.  I was worried about leaving the house in case I leaked, and I just felt it wasn't right for me.  So, I sent it back and went back to tampons and pads.

Since then, other cups have come onto the market.  The Mooncup, Diva cup, Femmecup, Lunette Cup, and LadyCup, to name a few.

The original Keeper Cup is made from natural gum rubber (latex) and has been available since 1987.  For ladies who like everything they use to be from a natural source, these are ideal, unless you have a latex allergy!  The other cups are made of medical grade silicon, and eliminate any worries of latex allergies.  Some even come in a range of funky colours!

They are all essentially the same in shape, and perform the same function.  Most come in two sizes, pre birth and post birth (or over 30 years old).  The size of birth canal changes after you have had a child, and as you get older, so you will need a bigger cup than before!  Priced at around £16.99, they aren't going to break the bank either!

Last summer, I decided I would try the Mooncup.  I hated tampons and towels, and I am much older and wiser (and patient!) then I was in my early 20's.  I was really quite excited about it, and going in with a much more positive attitude helped!  Before I had been afraid to try again as I had failed with it the first time round.

It took a couple of cycles to really get used to inserting it.  Wearing it is simple, just like a tampon, you put it in and forget about it.  I had to cut the tail off completely as it hurt.  I cut it shorter and shorter until I couldn't feel it when it was in. It's still easy to remove and I have found the tail isn't essential to removal!

I leaked maybe once or twice during the first cycle, then, as I got used to inserting it, it became second nature.  Just like when I first started using tampons, it takes a while to get it right, but once you have, you don't even have to think about it.  I still wear a panty liner on the heavier days at the start of my period, just in case.  When the cup gets full, you may have a little bit of breakthrough bleeding... that's my indication that I need to empty the cup.  The cup can be left in for up to 8 hours without any worries of toxic shock syndrome, and because it's medical grade silicon, and not a bleached, chemical filled paper based tampon, it does not upset the pH balance of the vagina, nor strip the area of it's natural fluids.

To insert, you fold the cup up into half, then quarters.  I find it's easier to squat to get it in right, and if the cup is wet.  Then as you push the cup in, you let go of the folded cup and it springs open (a bit like a pop up tent!).  The cup sits much lower than a tampon, so it's quite strange at first as you don't need to push it in that far.  If it's not in right, I can feel it when I stand up, so I will take it out and re insert.  To remove the cup, you simply get hold of the base of the cup and squeeze.  This releases the suction and you can pull it out, being careful not to spill it!  Pour the blood down the toilet and give it a rinse under the tap, then use again!

Pads from Wemoon

My next step is to get some washable liners.  These are pads made from fabric that soak up any leaks.  They can then be put through the washing machine to be re-used.  There are some lovely ones available, or you can make your own!  If you are interested, visit Honour your flow, New Moon Pads, Wemoon, or Lunapads for more information.  Fuzbaby is a great site if you want to attempt to make your own!

Another alternative is to use menstrual sponges.  These are made from natural sea sponge and work like a tampon.  A pack of two will last around 6 months, and are a good choice if the menstrual cups are a no go for you.  Sea Pearls have a handy info guide for more information.

After using a menstrual cup for 8 months/cycles, I am converted!  I don't spend any money on tampons anymore, and a box of panty liners last around 3 cycles, so I've already saved the money I spent on buying a menstrual cup.  It''s better for the environment, and is really convenient!  I will never go back to tampons, and will soon be free of using paper pads too... It's a no brainer really.  I can limit the waste I produce by changing ONE thing.  If all women did that we would reduce the amount going to landfill by a huge amount.

Follow any of the links in this article for more information, and if that's not enough, check out some of these websites!

Plush Pants
Moon Times
EcoMenstrual
Earthwise Girls
PeeWeez

Bees and The Goddess

Melissa – Goddess of the Bees by Cat Stone 2012

Prismacolor, fine liners, acrylic paint.

Melissa is a given name for a female child. The name comes from the Greek word μέλισσα (melissa), "honey bee", which in turn comes from μέλι (meli), "honey"...... Melissa also refers to the plant known as lemon balm (family Lamiaceae; genus and species Melissa officinalis).

- Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melissa)

The Melissae - At the temple of Aphrodite at Eryx, priestesses were called “melissae”, which means “bees,” and Aphrodite herself was called Melissa, the queen bee. To read more http://beelore.com/2008/01/20/the-melissae-and-aphrodite-in-ancient-greece/

Bees are sacred to Venus, they are the symbol of the Goddess and the Sacred Feminine. Venus is the ultimate feminine energy. Venus rules Fridays, beauty, harmony and nectar of life. She is the Goddess of Love. She represents joy, rapture, art, music, food, indulgence, attraction, desire. In Greek mythology Venus is Aphrodite from whose name comes the word "aphrodisiac," that which induces desire. From Venus' name comes the word "venereal," which literally means "of lust."

Albert Einstein, once said that "if the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, man would have only four years to live".

It is estimated that one third of the human food supply is down to insect pollination, most of which is done by the honeybee. Bees are being affected by Colony Collapse disorder, which is when a hive suddenly lose all it's worker bees. The hive suffers and dies. The bee population in the United Kingdom dropped by around 30% between 2007 and 2008. Pesticides are also killing our bees. Seeds sown with pesticide results in contaminated nectar.  

After six weeks, colonies exposed to the pesticide were lighter than the others, suggesting that workers had brought back less food to the hive. But the most dramatic effect was on queen production. The naturally-fed hives produced around 14 queens each - those exposed to the pesticide, just two (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-17535769)

Bee's are truly important to human life. As a feminine symbol, they conjure up images of millions of dedicated Melissae, working for Gaia, Mother Earth, keeping it alive. Their pollinations brings us fruit, flowers, plants.. the world would be very different without bees. The queen bee gives life to all the other bees. Far from being in control, she is their main life source. She will populate the hive. A good queen bee can lay 2000 eggs per day in the spring.

The symbol in the centre is the symbol of the sacral chakra. The sacral chakra is located below the navel in the area of the womb. It is the centre for creativity, for emotions, feelings, sexuality, manifestation, balance, honouring relationships and learning to let go. It is coloured orange, and it's element is water. Water is mutable, flowing, and feminine. Honey is one of the foods connected to helping cleanse and open up the sacral chakra.

The mandala features the Flower if Life pattern:

The Flower of Life is the modern name given to a geometrical figure composed of multiple evenly-spaced, overlapping circles. It is considered by some to be a symbol of sacred geometry, said to contain ancient, religious value depicting the fundamental forms of space and time.

There are many spiritual beliefs associated with the Flower of Life; for example, depictions of the five Platonic solids are found within the symbol of Metatron's Cube, which may be derived from the Flower of Life pattern. These Platonic solids are geometrical forms which are said to act as a template from which all life springs.

The basic symmetry of the Flower of Life - radiating hexagonally outward from the centre and branching off into more hexagonally radiating structures - is also the basic shape of a snowflake. Life originally evolved in water, and all life on Earth requires water as the essential compound of life. Therefore, an additional aspect to the symbolism is to be found in the fact that the geometrical structure of crystallized water is also the basic structure of the Flower of Life (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flower_of_Life).

To find out more about helping preserve our bees, follow some of these links!

British Beekeepers Association http://www.bbka.org.uk/

Help save Bees http://www.helpsavebees.co.uk/index.html

Save our Bees.org http://www.saveourbees.org.uk/

Vanishing of the Bees http://vanishingbees.co.uk/

Bees for development http://www.beesfordevelopment.org/

Bumblebee Conservation Trust http://www.bumblebeeconservation.org.uk/

Bees Abroad http://www.beesabroad.org.uk/

To see more of my artwork go to http://www.chaoticat.com. and https://www.facebook.com/pages/Cat-Stone-Visionary-Artist/8337911701

All artwork © Cat Stone 2012

Blessed Bee xx

Cycle Awareness Basics - Spring

Pre ovulation – Springtime – Early morning – Waxing Moon – Direction East - Maiden Phase – Birth to Teen - Growing Energy

This is when the fog of our period lifts and our light and energy returns. Many of us (PMDD sufferers) may call this 'one of our good weeks'.  

We feel like ourselves again, we have more energy, we want to get on with life again.

There is an innocence about this time, and it is a time we should spend nurturing our ideas and making plans. New shoots are growing, life is returning to the earth, and you.

If you didn't have a good bleed, if you didn't take it easy and look after your needs, you may come into this phase stressed out.

If you bled badly and had any major stress or trauma, this can last a while as it interrupts the connection to the natural flow....

If you would like to read the rest of this article, please go to:

http://naturalshaman.blogspot.com/2012/02/cycle-awareness-basics-spring.html

The Mind vs Medications

I am a believer in Quantum Physics.  I really enjoy learning about the concepts of the human mind and what it is capable of.  It started with The Secret, a book that many are familiar with nowadays, but my interest has gone further into trying to learn and grasp more of the theories, especially those related to healing.

I highly recommend the film 'What the bleep do we know?' as a great place to start with this huge topic.  You can watch the movie on You Tube for free by following this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT50SV3W5K0, but I highly recommend the rabbit hole edition of the DVD that has many many extra hours of interviews and explanations.

The theory, in very basic terms is that everything in this world is energy.  That includes ourselves and everything around us.  The question of 'What is reality?' is a biggie.  It can lead to a complete head f**k while trying to understand the concept, but I will try and explain how I see it in relation to how we can use our mind to heal ourselves instead of looking to outside influences, namely drugs and medications.  We need to look at the brain and it's capabilities.  It has been shown in experiments that the brain fires the same responses when seeing something in real life, or simply remembering the event.  So how do we perceive what is real and what is not?  If our memories create the same responses in the brain when remembering something, as it did when we first saw it, then we can see how it's easy to repeat the same patterns.  We become locked into a pattern of responses that then becomes our reality.  PMDD is like Groundhog day.  Every month we go through the same pattern.  Our body is reacting to the hormones that are triggered in our brain, and we respond accordingly due to a learned response to each feeling.

I believe our brains are like our on board organic computer.  It's organic because it can be grown and developed, unlike the computers of modern day, which are developed to a point, only to be out done year after year by new technology.  You can upgrade the system you have to some degree, but inevitably, we will seek a newer, more powerful model after a few years.  Technology advances so quickly, but imagine how that could work within a living organism.  Information in the brain can be processed as slowly as 0.5 meters/sec or as fast as 120 meters/sec (about 268 miles/hr).

The brain generates electricity (or energy).  Every thought, feeling and bodily process starts as an electrical impulse in the brain.  We have centres in our brains that send out electrical signals and receptors that receive them.  While awake, your brain generates between 10 and 23 watts of power–or enough energy to power a light bulb. The programming in our brains starts as a baby.  The capacity for such emotions as joy, happiness, fear, and shyness are already developed at birth. The specific type of nurturing a child receives shapes how these emotions are developed.
By the time we realise we are suffering from PMDD, we have a years of programmed and learned responses to life.  We have either acquired these from the people around us or developed them ourselves as methods of coping and keeping safe.

If we are living with learned responses, it is possible that we can unlearn them.  If our brains continue to make the same connections over and over, we can surely teach it to make new connections and responses.

So, how does this apply to PMDD?  I realised that the patterns I was going through could be learned responses and reactions.  I have lived a life that has been full of stress, and at times, trauma.
I have created strong pathways in my brain, ways to cope with the hormonal changes in my body and mind.  For me, taking medications never seemed to help.  The mood swings and extreme thoughts and feelings would not leave me.  Sometimes, I would feel more disconnected from them, but the disconnection made me feel even more out of control.

Taking a pill and believing it will cure you is naive.  Work needs to be done within the mind.
Re training and re programming ourselves, whether alongside or without medication is essential.  I am not suggesting anyone gives up any medications they are on.  We have our own choices to make when it comes to how we treat our disorder and what is comfortable for us.  Some people feel better when they are taking a pill.  That's how the placebo effect works.  For me, taking a pill meant I was ill.  In my head, if I had to take a pill for the rest of my life, it means I am unwell.  That thought then permeates everything.  I am ill.  It reaffirms that thought, and that never made me feel better.

I am also not saying that by not taking any medication I all of a sudden feel well.  But I do feel more in control and stronger in the knowledge that I am not so ill that I have to take a plethora of tablets to make me function in the world. 

Sufferer's of PMDD know only too well how much this disorder affect's their perception of the world.  It's easy to see when you go from a rational, understanding person to someone who believes the whole world hates them, past issues and event's surface and our own place in the world is in question.  I knew that this was in my head.  I knew that it wasn't really me, or what I truly felt about the world, yet the changes in hormones, lack of serotonin and programmed responses led me to be in a vicious cycle.

We all know the saying 'turn that frown upside down' or 'think happy thoughts'.  This is really difficult for a sufferer to do when in the throes of a dysphoric episode, but there is proof that be being more positive and trying to break the usual patterns of coping can help to break free from the worst effects of the cycle.  Cognitive Behaviourial Therapy (CBT) and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) are both ways of trying to re wire your thinking patterns.   

We can treat our bodily symptoms by eating well, getting enough sleep and exercise, but we cannot forget about looking after our minds.  If we continue to allow ourselves to react in the same way over and over, we will always see the same results.

Food for thought.  Can you change the way you react to your PMDD?  Can you create different reactions to the way you feel?  If PMDD brings on false thoughts that we take on to be real, does that make them real?  How do we create our own reality?  In no way am I suggesting that PMDD isn't real, and if you follow my blog you will know I am working very hard to get this disorder recognised, but I feel there is more each and everyone of us can do to help ourselves, just by fighting the false moods and tricking the body and mind out of them.

If we label ourselves as anything, we then reinforce it.  If we believe we are going to have a bad day, we probably will.  If we identify with being ill, we are more likely to be ill.  Just when we fake an illness to get the day off work, then sure enough, we get ill a few days later.

It is scientifically recognised that a smile, whether a real smile expressed at something that make us happy, or a fake smile, put on for whatever reason, creates the same responses in our brain.  Smiling and laughing releases our bodies feel good hormones, endorphins, but the body does not distinguish whether we are truly happy or not.  The endorphins are triggered regardless.  If this is the case, we DO have the ability to change how we react to our mood swings.


Stop believing you have no control.  It merely reinforces the belief.   Stop believing you are powerless, useless, unworthy, a lost cause... all these things are untrue.  Stop believing you are beyond help, or that nothing will ever help you.  Stop believing you will never get better.

Start believing you can have a calmer life.  Start believing you can change the way you feel.  You are in control.  You have the power to change, to get better, to heal.  Of course we will all have bad days.. EVERYONE on the planet has bad days, but we can try and stop them, reduce them, and give them less fuel.

I DO believe we can think ourselves well.  I do believe we can heal ourselves.  It's not an easy route, and for me, I have had to have the support of a counselor, family and friends, but I am living proof that the symptoms of PMDD can be lessened without the use of medications....

I will leave you with these thoughts, and a selection of quotes that re affirm what I am trying to say in this post.  For some, tablets, injections and surgery may be the right option.  They will feel better and healed by going down that route, but for some, like me, medication and surgery are not an option.  Maybe that's because you don't like taking meds, or you haven't found that anything has helped, or maybe it's just BECAUSE...  Never feel like you HAVE to take medication or be forced down a surgical route.  It is possible to manage PMDD without.  On the flipside, even ladies who ARE on medication and are following a surgical path can find some kind of benefit from thinking differently about themselves and the disorder.  No one is right, no one is wrong, its a personal choice, and one that no-one should ever judge you for.

The light of Integrity

"The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts.
Think only on those things that are
in line with your principles
and can bear the full light of day.
The content of your character is your choice.
Day to day, what you choose,
what you think,
and what you do is who you become.
Your integrity is your destiny ...
it is the light that guides your way."  - Heraclitus, Greek poet, philosopher

A Better Me

The me I wish that I could be
Would never harm a soul,
Could never speak in angry tones,
Or have a selfish goal,
And no more wrong or harmful deeds
I'd ever want to do,
If this perfect ideal me
Could be a picture true.
The me I wish I could become
Will never really be,
But simply wanting such a thing
Will make a better me."- Hilda Sanderson

"As I see it, every day, you do one of two things:
build health or produce disease in yourself." - Adelle Davis

"The more severe the pain or illness, the more severe will be the necessary changes. These may involve breaking bad habits, or acquiring some new and better ones."- Peter McWilliams, Life 101

"A wish to be well is a part of becoming well."- Lucius Seneca

"Here's your protection for whatever comes: Find something to be happy about every day, and every hour if possible, moment-to-moment, even if only for a few minutes."- Greg Braden


"I find, by experience, that the mind and the body are more than married, for they are most intimately united; and when one suffers, the other sympathizes."- The Earl of Chesterfield

"No one can listen to your body for you... To grow and heal, you have to take responsibility for listening to it yourself."- Jon Kabat-Zinn

"Our limitations and success will be based, most often, on our own expectations for ourselves. What the mind dwells upon, the body acts upon". -Denis Waitley

Quotes sourced from - http://www.healinggateway.com/thoughts.php
Brain Facts sourced from - http://www.nursingassistantcentral.com/blog/2008/100-fascinating-facts-you-never-knew-about-the-human-brain/
Smiling facts from - http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/benefits-of-smiling.htm
Images from Google images.