How do you feel about being a woman?

Guest blogger Emma shares with us some thoughts about the bigger picture of PMDD.  First published in one of my support groups.. we all thought it too good not to share!

The fact is, I hate being a woman, always have, might always will. I hate it so much that for a brief moment years ago, I even contemplated turning into a man. I wished I had been born a man, because they have it so bloody easy, and I almost resent them for just being men and having it so easy. Women have so much to put up with in their lives, so much shit to have to go through. Not only do men have it easy, but they don't realise how easy they have it....I find that annoying too. 

I actually get quite envious of my husband because he has been able to live his life without any bother in the world. Everyday floats into the next. He can complete his projects, because he has mentally got the stamina and the motivation to do it. He puts his head on the pillow, and within seconds he is snoring, without a care in the world. Where as, as soon as I think I'm getting somewhere in life, (in my 2 weeks of feeling well) even if it's just getting into a routine with housework, or being able to get up in the morning feeling happy and joyful, something soon comes back and tells me I can't do it, and stops me from wanting to, and stops me from being able to. I have had a lifetime of feeling depressed, with tiny bits of happiness and glimpses of what life could be like if I was free to feel joy constantly, like my husband can.

Women throughout the ages have had it so hard. It has been a constant battle from the word dot (...or so it seems. It would be interesting to see at what point it was in our ancient past when being a women became in issue). Women have always been the ones who never had any rights, who were always disgraced if they stepped out of line. Who were, and still are, taken advantage of. Women have always been nothing more than objects for men to own. If a women fell pregnant out of wedlock, or had an affair whilst married and subsequently gave birth to a bastard child, society (mainly men) punished her, and she would live for ever more in disgrace. Often sent to the workhouses, and made to wear Black and Yellow striped uniform to warn everyone of their disgraceful behaviour, and having their children taken off them because they are classed as not being good enough to care for their children anymore due to their disgraceful behaviour.

Yet it is perfectly acceptable for men to have affairs, to 'spread their seed', to have their cake and eat it, and in some countries, have several wives!!! Why can't women be like that? Why can't women have several husbands? Men are classed as being a bit of a stud when he sleeps around. Yet women are labelled as whores. Why do we have to be the whores? Why do we have to have the crap end of the deal with everything?

Women were institutionalized in the olden days, because they were labelled insane, when really all that was wrong was a bit of PMT, or serious hormonal issues. Women's issues have always been a taboo, and women are looked down upon as the weaker sex. Menstruation is classed as dirty, and is seen as a 'problem', even an illness. 

Women were burnt at stakes, Drowned in the rivers, and hanged because they were supposedly witches.....Lordy knows, I would have been burnt a long time ago if these present days were anything like the past.
Even today, women are stoned to death because she is not allowed to have any feelings, or any rights for herself. She is still owned in some cultures, and women are still being sold as we speak, like objects. Families choosing who and when their daughters should marry. In some countries, as soon as a girl starts her periods, she is sold to a pedophile to get married. Girls even younger, 7 years old for god sake, are being sold for marriage to these sick bastards. Women are used and abused, because men think they can, and because they think they have a god given right to do as they please. 

But when anything comes down to blame, it's almost always the woman that takes it all, it's almost always the woman that looks bad. She is the one that has sinned, and not the man.

All the pain we have to go through, all the physical changes we have to put up with for the majority of our lives, the pain of child birth, the ever lasting damage it causes our bodies. And then there's all the household chores, and the fact that the woman has duties, to her husband, and her children.The physical abuse, the mental abuse, making the woman feel vulnerable and powerless.

My husband is amazing, and doesn't expect anything from me. But that's because he's my equal, and I just think I am lucky. Although I have had an idiot for a partner in my past, and I was lucky enough to see sense and get out while I could. Not before he created some damage though one way or another. I know so many men out there too who are complete twats to their wives, or girlfriends, because they believe that the woman's place is in the home, doing all their duties. 

I just wonder whether any of these issues affect other women, or is it just me? 
.....If we dislike being women, for what ever reason, then maybe we are unconsciously rejecting the natural changes that being a woman is all about....do you see what I mean?

I was told by someone last year that I will be coming into 'my power', but I never quite understood what was meant. I think I understand now. The power that was meant is the feminine power that we all hold within ourselves. The stuff we are made of, but which has been suppressed by men. If you think about it, with almost every species in the world, it is always the females that lead. She dominates the males to get what she wants. Ants, for example, get their wings in order to find a queen to mate with her. But as soon as he has mated, he dies, because he is no longer needed. The rest of the males are workers for the queen. You don't ever find a 'King Bee', only Queens, because she is the one with the greater strength to lead and carry on. 
We also have the strength to lead, and be great. We are built strong, so we can carry our babies and love them unconditionally. We have the strength to face the pain we endure during birth. I think we're all pretty much in agreement that men wouldn't stand a chance. They say that birth is the closest point to death a women will ever be (without dying of course), so we are built physically and mentally strong enough to be more than capable to do it over and over again. We have the power, but it has been suppressed for centuries. But now it's time to take it back.

I think I need to take back my power now. I did have a taste of it last year, and my Yoga helped a lot. I just need to believe in myself, and know that the power exists within me.

by Emma PF

To my friends...

(written to the friends close to me in real life and on Facebook...  wanted to share here with a wider audience and explain why I have been a bit quiet with posts, and why I may not have responded to messages/emails recently)

 

The whole month of March has been a struggle. This past week being (hopefully) the lowest I could get.
 

Lots of you, my friends, have been worried, and I feel terrible for worrying you or causing any of you upset. This guilt often means I start to spiral inwards even more, and the negative feelings grow. It has been a long time since I have written like this, but I feel it's the only way to try and help myself, and others, understand.
 

As most of you know, I have a mood/hormone disorder... at least, that's how you will understand it in the 'normal' way. The label Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder is something I am trying to move away from, but it's the easier label to give when trying to explain what I go through. It's medical. It's a real disorder. No one knows what causes it or how best to treat it. It's still not widely known about, or should I say, it's widely misdiagnosed as bipolar, borderline personality disorder, depression... Many sufferers feel schizophrenic, although, unlike schizophrenia, we rarely lose all concept of one personality in favour of the other, but rather stay in state of transition, the battle, the fight between two aspects of the self. We also tend to remain consciously aware of all our actions even when we feel like we have no control over them. PMDD cycles are monthly and therefore, when the symptoms are particularly bad, they can really take their toll on your physical and mental health.
 

So I have that going on... I hit challenging times almost every month, but since coming off all medications etc I have got a much better hold on this. I have learned how to manage my month, my LIFE, around it. I know my energy changes and fluctuates. There are better times of the month for socialising and times when I have to hide away. I know my cycle well, and can predict when I will have enough energy to go out and be social and when I will be struggling with tiredness and need to rest.
 

This week however, I was not at a point in my cycle when I should be going through this stuff. Day 7 is usually a time of increasing energy, busy-ness, lots of ideas and planning.. becoming more social etc I had had a particularly crap cycle anyway, coupled with my birthday, which this year I was really not up for celebrating.. the 'depression' had started right back then. The negativity swallowed me up. I couldn't see the point in trying. I was easily angered, wound up, hurt, upset... I did a lot of shouting and stamping about. When these times happen, it's like I have left my body and am outside watching everything unfold. I upset my children... I pushed my man away. I rejected my friends offers of help. The negative thoughts tell me that it's all false. No one really wants to help. Everyone is judging. People think I am weird, a pain in the ass, over dramatic... it's like I can hear all the sighs of everyone when they see another negative status message. Even with lots of PMDD friends around, who I know will understand, I can't connect. I can't talk.
It's like being bound, gagged, blindfolded and thrown into a pit of terror. We would call this dysphoria, which is commonly known to include persecutory feelings and suicidal tendencies.
 

For 4 days I barely ate a thing. I went from not being able to get out of bed despite sleeping for hours and hours, to being unable to sleep and staying up all night. I couldn't deal with the kids. By the end of the week they were both avoiding me and trying to stay out of my way. Rhiannon doing an amazing job of being a stand in mum for Fae while I am emotionally unavailable. All of it kills me emotionally.. I do and say things I normally wouldn't. It makes me feel like a terrible person...
I've had uncontrollable flashbacks to times in my life when I was going through hell, all the emotions from those times surface. I rid myself of one thought only to be bombarded with more negative imagery and feelings. Feelings of panic and palpitations which can last all day. Fear of having to leave the house and face anyone was too much and I spent a lot of time in the dark, in my bedroom. Thoughts of escaping... running away... hurting myself. I did not get the usual suicidal feelings this time, but the desire to destroy, cause myself pain were very strong. THAT'S when keeping yourself locked away in a bedroom is a good idea. My mind was taking me to all sorts of crazy places. Should I cut off all my dreads? should I destroy the last painting I created? I could burn myself, crash the car, find something sharp... drink a bottle of vodka... (yes to me, alcohol is a form of self destruction.. it makes me ill and so would achieve the desired result). All I have to do is hang on until it passes. Wait, till the demon leaves me. Try and get through without letting any of these impulses take over. It's not easy, and as yet, I haven't figured out what I should do in these situations. What I need is a place to go while going through it all, away from my friends and family.. but it's not likely to ever be possible, so hey, you just gotta do what you can. My body has been curled up and tense all week, the pain in my back and shoulders from the tension is awful. The exhaustion from the endless thoughts and visions knocks me for six.
 

So, if it's happening out of cycle, at a time when I would not expect it, then I have to look at what else is going on. I follow a shamanic path. I always have, although when I was younger it took the form of witchcraft. Moving on from the restrictions and rules that are set when following such belief systems, led me to where I am now. As a woman, my cycle is shamanic in itself. Every woman has a direct connection to the Earth and the Moon. The menstrual cycle echoes the seasons of the year in it's energetic changes and also follows the phases of the moon. We are currently entering Spring. Pre ovulation. It's a transition time. The Spring Equinox this week symbolises this. A time when the Sun and the Moon are in balance, but also, a time when one half of the world welcomes in Spring and the other half kisses goodbye to Summer and is seeing in the Autumn. A duality, a time of balance and extremes all at the same time. Confusing eh?
 

I digress. In following a shamanic path, in dedicating myself to it, in stepping deeper into the mysteries I have to allow the necessary shifts to occur within me. Thing is, you don't get an email telling you you are about to go through another shamanic healing process... To be honest, I wasn't overly familiar with shamanic initiatory illness and it's symptoms until now, but the more I look at what is going on right now, the more it makes sense. I could just call it a breakdown, a PMDD episode that has arisen due to the stresses and strains of life, the terrible British weather and SAD, but that is almost dismissing the importance of these happenings (It does make it easier for others to understand, especially those who think shamanism etc is a load of bollox). The healing that follows the darkest times are invaluable... IF you can develop an understanding of why it's happened.
 

LOOK at the symptoms for shamanic initiatory illness... (these can also be symptoms of coming off psychiatric meds or the rising of the kundalini)
 

Shaking, vibration, altered states of consciousness ranging from comatose to euphoric, extremely long periods of insomnia or hypersomnia, inability to tolerate eating, food cravings, headaches, nausea and vomiting, nightmares, suicidality, pain, heart palpitations, fear of going crazy, feeling tormented, terror, being bed-ridden, agitation, weakness, cognitive confusion, seizures, muscular rigidity, tingling, impaired vision, hearing unusual sounds, seeing lights, other hallucinations or visions, obsessive or impulsive behavior, rages, crying jags, severe depression, vertigo, seeming drunk without taking any substance, exhaustion, chills, heat, sweating, tendency to withdrawal and agoraphobia.
(http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/91-kundalini-shamanic-initiatory-illness/)
 

I can tick off many of the above and have just experienced them. There is much documented about how shamans view schizophrenia and episodes like the one I have just described. In fact such things as schizophrenia do not exist in shamanic tribes. Shamans would view these things as a spirit trying to contact the living world, or a possession of a body by a spirit. Likewise, PMS or PMDD would not exist in these circles either. Women's menstruation was seen as a very powerful thing, and an essential part of their (and the tribe's) spiritual well being. Menstruation, itself, is an altered state of being/consciousness. You can read more about how shaman's deal with mental illness in the following link. It's an amazing article. http://www.jaysongaddis.com/2010/11/the-shamanic-view-of-mental-illness/
 

I can't say for sure that this is some kind of shamanic thing going on... but I also don't class myself as truly mentally ill. I am also not a flaky character that can't deal with the things life throws at her, as I have gone through a whole heap of difficult situations and life traumas over the years and am still here to tell the tale. My counselor, a few sessions in, told me she is amazed I am still here. My reply, is always... my kids keep me here. They are the reason I continue to live out my life on this planet... that and the fact that I have been blessed with a life, so really, I better make the most of it, however alien the world seems, and however difficult this particular life seems to be. Life, now, is actually better that it has ever been.. a gorgeous, loving and understanding husband, better relationships with family and friends, two amazing children and my art, my writing, the wonderful web, and a future that hopefully holds some great things.
 

About 15 years ago, during another challenging time of my life, my tarot teacher once said to me 'The hardest steel is tempered in the hottest fire'. That has stuck with me ever since. To be strong, to understand another person's pain, to feel empathy, to be able to help, heal, you need to undergo it yourself. I never consciously asked for this path, it just is... I find most of my life is 'out of my hands' these days. I rely on my instinct, on catching the wave and feeling the flow. I guess that with that comes the storms that turn the boat over, throw you into the water and leave you fighting for your life. What I wish though is that it didn't affect my family and friendships so much. 

 

So I'm doing my best. To understand, to learn, to develop and grow. I wanted to share all this stuff as I do freak out some times and think that everyone must think I am completely nuts, or just a depressive personality with no joy or fun, but that's not the case. I'm just different, and dealing with some really weird shit that no body gave me a manual for! Thank you to everyone who contacted me with kind words and who offered the hand of support. I'm sorry I couldn't accept, and especially sorry if my actions or words hurt or upset anyone...
 

I'm still 'coming round', settling down. It takes a while to flush out the adrenaline and anxiety, it takes even longer to get rid of the guilt and the feeling of embarrassment and shame, but writing this, focusing on some art will help, and hopefully I will re-integrate what I've learned through all this and next time wont be so bad... I have no idea how many of these I need to go through, but I couldn't actually begin to count the times that this sort of thing has happened. The last time was 6 months ago at the Autumn Equinox (pattern? who knows!)
 

Love to you all, and thank you for being a friend, in whatever capacity... (cyber, real life.. it's all the same)
 

Cat xx

Positive or Negative?

There has been some chat in the support group recently about positivity and negativity.  Support groups (and I mean any, not just mine) can be negative places and I mean negative in that most of what is discussed originates from a post that may be very negatively worded.

I started the groups on Facebook mainly because that was where I met other sufferers, for the first time, only a lot of the time I found myself not feeling comfortable sharing on an open wall for all to see.  Hence my closed groups were born.  This meant for me and many others that we had somewhere to write about our problems and worries, somewhere to rant and vent.  This often avoided the same rants or venting on personal pages, allowing people to seek help from an audience that completely understood why that person was having issues.  The problem with ranting to friends or in front of family is that quite often they do not really understand PMDD and therefore can assume all manner of things about the PMDD sufferer.

Lots of valuable information is shared in the groups, and over the past 2 years I have seen women find treatments and paths that have helped them manage their PMDD and lives to the point of leaving the groups never to return.   Some leave and come back after realising they are not quite ready to go it alone.  Having access to a group of women who completely understand really helps to transform the way you see PMDD, the way you see yourself and the world around you.

I have tried to make the groups a positive place, and many women post lots of positive messages, or update us on the good days as well as the bad, however, many feel they should not share the good days for fear of upsetting those on bad days.  Some may wonder if we are all just dwelling on it too much and keeping ourselves in a space of pain and hurt.  The way I see it is we all need support to find our path.  Some ladies may find that just a few kind words can transform their day, but the only way they are going to get a response is to share the negative situation they find themselves in.  Some ladies may only need the support of a group for a couple of months, some may need a couple of years.  This difference is because we are all unique and are at various points on our healing paths.

I think it's OK to have a space that absorbs all the negative.  Writing things down is known to be a good way to transform thoughts into something more tangible, real.  That way we can then release them.  I used to worry and dislike the way the Facebook wall works.  I was used to forums where you could go back on old posts and comments, and I could see (and still do) some really useful ways a forum could work, aside from the fact people wouldn't have to repeat themselves or have the same discussion over and over, and women could also look back and see how far they've come, or find past posts easier.  Unfortunately, the FB wall doesn't lend itself to this very well... it's a dumping ground.  The good thing about this however, is we are NOT reminded of the bad days all the time, the past is the past and is rarely brought back up for re-discussion.  This is good with regard to PMDD as we have these crazy, dark moments, but they are not us.. they may be typed up, posted, talked about and then are lost to the wall and we move on.

Each and every individual needs to take responsibility for themselves and their own healing, whether that includes meds or not.  I have always said the groups should not be a stress to anyone, and that if the negativity in the group is something that is causing you problems then you may need to take a break from the group (just like in life, really).  Many women only visit the group when they need to rant, or some may visit if they see a cry for help and they are strong enough to post a reply.  The support groups as they are work because they are really for one thing only, and that is to talk with other sufferers and find some understanding and sympathy.

What I would like to highlight though, is the power of negative words.  I think this is something all people should consider, but maybe women with PMDD more so.   

Last year, in our house, we tried The Big Apple Experiment.  You cut an apple in half and place it in identical glass, airtight jars, and then over the coming week/s you love one half and hate the other.

It was VERY easy to hate the hate half of the apple.  There was no trouble with finding hateful, hurtful things to say to that half of the apple.  My husband and I could rant at it for a while before running out of things to say, yet, when it came to saying lovely things to the other half, we all found it harder.  It even felt OK to hate, but when we tried to say loving things, it was not easy to find the words and we'd feel uncomfortable about expressing it.  What does that say about us?  Why do we not feel comfortable with speaking words of love and happiness?

Over the coming weeks we continued to talk to each half of the apple every day and the results were amazing.

You may be hugely skeptical, and if you are, I urge you to try it!  It's a great thing to do with the children to teach them about how their words can affect others, but it's also an eye opener as to what we may be doing to ourselves when we talk negatively about ourselves.  There is a lot of self hatred that goes on within PMDD groups, and of course, others will always give a hug and some reassuring words, but just LOOK at what you are potentially doing to yourself with negative words and thoughts.  These ideas, as mentioned in the video above, come from Masuru Emoto's work, which some of you may like to take a look at, and I also found another video!

It is good to rid yourself of negative emotions, we know that, however, when we see what that negativity can do to us and the people around us I think we all need to be more selective with our words, especially with the things we say to ourselves.  It's not about being all fluffy bunny and irritatingly positive all the time, but maybe finding more positive ways to look at things, and watching what you SAY and think.  Words have a massive impact on us, much more that we really realise.

As always, in the name of balance, I am also sharing a link with you which explores why positive thinking is NOT necessarily always good for you!  It's all great food for thought, and hopefully, somewhere in all this mornings ramblings, you may find something that helps you! http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creativity-and-personal-mastery/201004/why-positive-thinking-is-bad-you

The most important change I have made in my life with PMDD is that things are not BAD or GOOD.. POSITIVE or NEGATIVE... there are gifts to be found in the darkest of moments, there is positivity to be found even in the most awful situations.  I do not have good and bad weeks anymore, I have better weeks and more challenging weeks, or high energy weeks and low energy weeks.  I no longer allow myself to get sucked into self hatred and speaking terrible things at myself in the mirror.  I also curb what I say about others, knowing that that negative energy could find them and cause more rifts and friction.  In many spiritual traditions there is a Law of Three, or Threefold law.  That which you give out comes back to you 3 times over.  Some call it Karma.  If you give out positivity, you get back more positivity, and the same works for negativity.

So, in summary, there is a place for the support groups.  Somewhere to rant, rage, hate, let off steam, expel anger and meet others who can understand and share their experiences without judgement, however each and every one of us is responsible for their own lives, happiness, healing and well being.  No one can cure you, no one can save you, no one can make it all better with the swish of a wand, but we all have the ability to make life easier for ourselves, to break bad habits and try and see ourselves and situations from a different perspective.   

When I was at Uni, there was a lad who only drew in red.  Everything he did was created in red.  He was a bit worried about it, as he didn't want to lose marks.  The tutor was brilliant and said something that stuck with me ever since.. He said that the lad should go with it.. just work in red until the desire to work in red has gone.  At some point in the future he will get fed up with red and change to a different colour, but there was no point in trying to force it.  That's how I see the groups.  Women need it for a certain amount of time, they need a space to moan and offload, but that wont necessarily last forever, and in time, they will change the colour, or add colours, until they are off painting with all the colours the world has to offer.

Draw in red for a while, if that's what you need...  one day, you will change the colour, you will move on, you will change...  You may feel at the bottom of a deep dark pit, that everything you say is negative and then that in turn fuels MORE negativity, you may feel there is no way out, that you will always be like this, but you wont...  Nothing ever stays the same!

XX

We pretend to be strong because we are weak.

“We pretend to be strong because we are weak.”
― Paulo Coelho

I'm waiting to bleed, it's day 28.

I find myself crying again, I can feel the rush of hormones. My man asks if I'm OK...

A year or so ago, I may have flown into a rage, angry over being asked. I may have just gone quiet and said, I'm fine, or leave me alone. Nowadays, I dive into his arms and cry into is chest. I accept his love, his concern and feel better for a hug and his understanding when I am feeling like my world is about to be upturned.

This got me thinking (especially as I am in pre-menstrual thinking overdrive).

Women with PMDD deal with an extreme amount of rage, anger, self loathing and fear. We feel weak and inadequate. We cannot deal with the same amount of stress that other people can.

Society tells us that as women, we should be able to handle everything life throws at us and cope with it all. There has been a big deal made out of women needing to be as strong as their male counterparts. Equal in every way.... except, we aren't.

Women may feel that they cannot possibly show weakness. They cannot let on to their partners, family, work colleagues that they are finding things hard. This happens to all women to some extent, but with PMDD, it's much more extreme, as the hormones seem to take over and control us. The false moods and irrational thoughts leave us feeling out of control, weak and unable to complete the simplest of tasks.

What happens when we feel inadequate? If we can't over compensate by becoming super woman to prove we are just as good as the men, or other more stable women, then we end up feeling frustrated at ourselves, and our situation. We end up angry and full of fight.. defensive. Even with the people we love. We don't want them to see our weaknesses. We don't want them to have to 'look after us' as that makes us far from the strong independent capable women that society says we should be.

I found this article. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201107/the-greatest-weakness-strong-women It's got nothing to do with PMDD, but tells the story of a high powered business woman who finally let down her defenses to save her relationship. As I read, I realised even more that showing weakness is hard for every woman, but to do so can actually help save floundering relationships and bring people closer together.

I look back over my own life and my own PMDD story and find the fight and defensiveness there at every turn. Right from a child, I knew that to cry in public was a sign of weakness, and that to get on in the world we have to be able to do what the men do. Work, earn, provide... I was always embarrassed by my mother's ability to sob in public, she would cry at the drop of a hat, especially to an emotional song or film, and quite often, I would feel the lump in my throat and the tears building, but I would not allow myself to cry. Cry baby. Soppy cow. Why are are you crying? I often had no explanation to explain why I felt like crying, and didn't want to answer that question. I have always avoided films and music that are liable to make me cry. 

In my youth, I turned to Heavy Metal music, especially the stuff sung (or screamed) by women. I wanted nothing more than to experience those strong emotions. The 'fuck you' of a woman screaming and roaring as good as any man. The lack of tears, the abundance of hate and anger. I related. I felt it made me strong and equal. Another mask to put on to the world. Men often became a target in the lyrics, with one of my favourite female bands (Otep) even writing a song called 'Menocide'. Yet now, that kinda turns my stomach, for there is nothing gained in the pendulum swinging all the way over to the other side. At the time it fed my need to be strong, to be like a man. When women act like men, what do the men do? When women are downing pints and shots at the pub alongside their male peers, fighting and brawling in the street, what do men see? Women? Or women who are more like their male friends? In which case, why should they treat us like women, when we don't act like one?

During PMDD days, I can sob at an advert, or a situation in a soap opera. I still feel that shame. I still feel embarrassed. Although, I am working on that. There IS no shame in feeling emotion. There is no shame in feeling so deep that a song, or lyrics send you into a tearful mess. There is no shame in admitting that you feel low, or for even crying when there appears to be no reason for it.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving 

During my PMDD weepiness, I may be crying for all the pain I've ever felt in my life, for all the pain my ancestors may have gone through. I may be crying for all the cruelty and poverty there is in the world. I may be crying just because I need to cry. Why should I feel shame for that?

Menstruation connects us to a deeper place. It connects us to our ancestors and can bring about great insight and learning. Women ARE more sensitive at this time. FACT.

The shame and embarrassment brings on a reaction of needing to cover it. I don't want people to think I am weak, over sensitive, over emotional or stupid. How can I explain the tears?

Men don't do this. I am highlighting our gender differences. Maybe I am letting the feminist side down. I am weak and giving men a reason to see me (women) as weak.

Women sometimes cry easier in the presence of another woman. A close friend or aunt may console us. We know that we sometimes need to 'let it all out', but to do that in front of a man? When most men feel uncomfortable with that amount of emotion pouring out from the soul? To do that in front of our partners and husbands? That seems alien to a lot of us, despite both parties claiming to love one another.

This need to remain strong and collected in front of our men is what brings about the complete opposite in emotions. We don't want them to see us a weak. We don't want to admit we need them to protect us and keep us safe. With equality and all the blurred lines between male and female roles, men just don't know what to do, and if we are pushing them away and denying them the chance to protect and show us compassion, we are then stealing away their opportunity to fulfil their role within the relationship.

Ladies with PMDD often end up directing all this anger and frustration at their partners as a smoke screen. We overcompensate and allow ourselves to become strong, so strong we are fierce and aggressive. We are like crazed warriors about to go into battle. Only there is no battle. There is someone we love who desperately wants to help, who wants to be able to 'do something' to make it all better. We fight them, because to allow them to help, to allow ourselves to fall into their arms and cry and say we can't cope right now is to show them we are weak, and with that brings about a whole manner of inadequacies that appear to no longer be socially acceptable.

'Other women cope' Other women manage to hold down a job, have kids, study, cook, clean and stay sane all month long so why not me/us? We feel that our PMDD makes us inferior.  It doesn't. It makes us different. It makes us super sensitive. If women with PMDD can embrace this aspect and shake off the stigma of showing signs of weakness the anger is calmed. As I type this, so many memories come to mind. I can feel the tickle in my nose, the tears building up. Have no reason to be crying right now, yet the tears want to come.

As a woman, I am an emotional being. I want to fully embrace what it is to be a woman. The past 2 years have seen me stop fighting. I accept, I surrender, I have learned to feel comfortable crying around my man. I go with the flow and allow safe passage to whatever needs to manifest. Who am I to censor myself? Who am I to curb, halt, or stop the feelings that need to flow?

It is no wonder we have come to be like this. In days gone by, women with PMDD would have been called Witches. Demonic. We would have been misunderstood as being possessed by the devil and locked up in asylums... another reason to want to stay secret, to hide away, to remain anonymous. Women have undergone so many terrible punishments for being female. Showing any sign of intuition became labelled as witchcraft or possession. Hundreds of thousands of women died during the witch trials, who were no more than healers, midwives, herbalists and quite possibly women with PMDD, women who were sensitive to their hormones, who felt the rages and let them out, who acted as if they were possessed by a demon. I know that some of my tears must be for them, and my ancestors, some of which must surely have been caught up in the terror. In the UK, it is a mere 61 years since the repeal of the Witchcraft Act, yet to this day, in many other countries, women still face charges like this, often with the penalty of death.

So in many ways it is no wonder there is a such a stigma attached to women with mood disorders, whether they use their intuitive abilities or not, the outward signs of PMDD are frowned upon and still come with a hefty amount of shame, guilt and penalties for not being consistently able to live like everyone else.

Women need to reclaim what it is to be a women. We need to celebrate out difference, and not feel ashamed to embrace our feminine nature. Next time you fight with your partner, just stop for a second and ask yourself why you are fighting. Is there a legitimate reason to be fronting up to your partner? Or deep down, do you really just need a big hug and some reassurance that everything will be OK?

I can't being to describe how much this has helped my relationship. After swearing I would never marry again, I find myself a wife once more. My husband is not my enemy. My husband can provide me with protection, with love, with safety from everything else that is bad in the world. I am lucky to have such a man, who accepts his male role, however strange it may seem to others. But this is only possible because I allow him to take on that role. I trust him enough to let him see me during my weak moments. He doesn't expect me to be strong all the time. He doesn't value me any less because I have these moments. By blowing away the smoke screen, the façade, the pretence that I am 'fine' all the time, we have been able to develop a much closer relationship.

My hope is that more women, especially the ones who suffer with PMDD will begin to embrace what it really means to be female, and find strength in what other perceive to be weakness. It is not a weakness if you need to take time out, if you need a break, to cry, to sleep, or to dream. It is not a weakness if you are string enough to be honest.  Honesty is by far the strongest action, and to admit you need help, love, a hug, is to put out the raging fire and unite with someone in a warm glow of friendship, companionship, compassion and love.

“We are all travellers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

“Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn't make you nice, it just makes you a liar.”
― Jenny O'Connell

“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.”
― Alan Moore, (V for Vendetta)

“Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking the truth from her heart.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it.”
― Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn)

All quotes from http://www.goodreads.com

©Cat Hawkins 2012

Averting disaster

So this morning, day 27, I woke up after a reasonable night sleep.

It's been 11 days since I got married.  My man has gone back to work and the kids are now off school for the summer.  The sun is shining today, which has been a rare thing in the UK this year.
Been feeling narky for the past couple of days, and already entered my quiet time over the weekend.  My quiet time (pre menstruation) is when I can't find the words to say, when my head is caught up with other stuff.  I become forgetful and frustrated.  My mind dwells on things, things that are bothering me.  Up till now, it's been about the wedding and the things that didn't go quite to plan.  This morning it was maintenance issues... I know!  how ridiculous!

I have a few things that need doing in the house, and the communal lighting in our close is broken again and lights stay on all day when they should go off.  Now, I've had to report this a few times to our housing association.  No-one else seems to care, despite the fact we already pay a service charge for sweet FA, and all that wasted electric will only give them an excuse to charge us all even more.  It should be a quick call, but for some reason the people at the HA rarely understand that I live in a CLOSE not a flat, and yes we do have communal lighting, and no, I haven't broken it, and no, it's not my property, it's OUTSIDE.... sigh...

While on the phone, I can feel my frustration rising.
It's simple.. the lights that are YOUR responsibility are broken AGAIN... the outside lighting has been on for 24 hours a day, everyday, for over 2 weeks.  I'd hoped someone else might call you but they obviously haven't. It seems to be my responsibility again.   I report a dodgy fit and lock on the back door (due to the heat over the past week) and it's 20 questions about why I hadn't contact them sooner.
I got really arsey and asked why it matters, I'm reporting it now, and I'd just got married, been busy etc and could feel my top about to blow. Tears started coming, I wanted to hang up, go back to bed and cry/sleep the day away.. Then, just as I was getting somewhere, their computers go down, so she tells me she'll call me back.

I sit in the garden and my head is going crazy... all the issues I'd already created popped back up, the annoyance and frustration with the woman on the phone, the worry about the issues, the feeling like I'm going to crack under all this pressure (which for many can be sorted without a care in the world, including myself at a different time of the month).

I wanted to text my man.  I wanted to let him know I felt like I was about to crack, and that the kids are home and I don't know how I will cope, that I am feeling terrible and dwelling on loads of stuff, and there's some stuff that's bothering me and we need to talk.....

He's just gone back to work, I hate stressing him out or worrying him more at work.  In the past, without the control I have now, I would have sent him some annoyed text, or something crazy about how he shouldn't love me, or why is he with me?  Or that I'm pissed off about something he's done and I can't be with him anymore...  It could be that irrational, and to him, a bolt out of the blue... an insult, a break up threat, or some other equally unreasonable thing to say by text to someone you love.

I ended up thinking about how I could let him know I'm feeling crap, while at work, without having to go into all the details while he has his job to do (which supports me and the children).  It's not the first time I've tried to figure out the best way to communicate when I'm like this.  Due on tomorrow and my fuse is seriously short.  This would have been the time of massive arguments or fall outs, or me biting on to an issue and rather than discussing it like an adult, my hurt, PMDD self takes over and buggers it all up with anger and a spiralling sense that everything is gonna fall apart because of one small thing.

Us PMDD girls who are trying to keep our relationships, who are trying to stop the destruction that being dysphoric can cause, should be figuring out a code to use that signals to our partners that we are in emotional/mental trouble.  Like sending up a flare.  At that moment, it's often the fact we just need someone to know that we feel terrible.  That today is gonna be a struggle or even, on a more serious note, that we are in complete turmoil and we fear we may do something stupid.

As I am grabbing my second chance of married life with both hands, I want to make sure that I do all I can to communicate and work through things with my man.  I've had some terrible relationships in the past, and am finally very happy.  He's seen me at my worst, and I never want to go back there again.

I've had many moments when I desperately need my partner's support, whether that be to talk to, to help out, to give me a break, or just to sympathise, but I go about it in the wrong way.  The stuff I need to talk about can come out all wrong, disagreements happen, the road gets super rocky and in an instant it feels like your relationship is ending and it's all your fault.

I figure I need a code.  I need a way of telling him that I need him, without bringing all my shit to his work desk.  You can find my code ideas here... http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/code-red.html

By the time I'd realised that I had a few blogs that I need to write around the subject of relationships, and the thoughts/worries about all the other things I need to do today, the phone rang and all my maintenance issues will be sorted tomorrow...  I apologised for getting frustrated with the situation and all was well.  I felt better for saying sorry, even to a complete stranger.  She was only trying to do her job, my PMDD is not her fault.

I felt a bit better, and focused on some household chores, mowed the lawn barefoot in the sunshine, cooled down in the shade and battled with my mind for another 10 mins as to whether I go get a shower before I write, or just get on with it.  The pernickety me, would want to shower and get ready for the day before I get writing, but there is always the risk I will lose my flow of thought and not get round to it, so I decided to sit here in my garden dress and get something written.  The kids are happy playing, I'm not due to go anywhere or see anyone, so that one 'rule' can go out the window today.

It's easy to obsess at this time of the month.  It's easy to get caught out and trip yourself up, it's easy to end up in a crazy situation because you haven't tried to divert yourself from disaster.
At this time of the month, I can spend all day talking myself away from a potentially sticky situation, talking myself away from irrational thoughts.  I sleep more than usual, often just to quieten down the endless babble.  The calm will come.  I will hit a place of feeling centred.  I can feel the urge to draw or create giving me a ton of ideas for writing, pictures, cooking struggling to be heard through the ridiculous fog that makes me go round in circles.  The worries will be defeated.  I make lists of things that I can do something about, and start ticking them off (energy allowing).  The things I can't do anything about immediately, I leave till I feel stronger to deal with them, or wait for an opportunity to tackle them.  Getting things done, rather than worrying about the fact they need doing is a far better way to spend time, and it is possible to deal with mundane things in this head space.

I know I'm due to bleed very soon.  I know that I need to rest.  I know that I need to stay away from stressful situations, and even more so, I need to make sure I don't create any negative situations for myself.  I have more writing to do, I have thank you cards to make, write and send, I have a ton of stuff to catch up on.  I am blessed to have a night without the children tonight, quiet time to indulge, or time to sleep... either will do.

HAWMC blog challenge

So.. I did ok for a week... then it was time to bleed, and ever since my thoughts have been far from blogging.  So, herein lies the issue with PMDD.  There is no continuity.  I kept looking back over the prompts and every single one seemed like an impossible task.. where as a week before they all seemed challenging and exciting.

I have not been sleeping well, and generally I've been focused on keeping myself balanced and stable.  Every time I got stressed about the blog challenge, I just had to walk away, and forget about it.

I kinda feel like I failed...  but then, I have to think about the fact I DID get a weeks worth of posts out.. and compared to my normal rate of 2-3 blogs a month, that's pretty good going!  I have got some good ideas for blogs in the future and will always have the prompts to fall back on!

As writing seemed impossible, I got on with a new drawing.. which, even if I do say so myself, has come out really well.  Seeing what I have achieved makes me let go of any guilt of disappointment over not continuing with the blog challenge.

That's what it's all about.  Releasing the stress.. weighing it up and really asking yourself if it's worth getting upset about!

Most of the time, that's NO!

I write about my health because...

Day 4 of the Health Activist Writers Month Challenge.

I write about my health because… Reflect on why you write about your health for 15-20 minutes without stopping.

It's weird... for me writing about my life and disorder has become normal, but I guess others may see it as a bit bizarre or self indulgent.  I can't imagine NOT writing out the things in my head.

I started blogging over 10 years ago.  Back then, I had no idea I had PMDD.  My marriage had just ended, a relationship of 10 years.  I was on my own in a strange town as I'd moved away with my daughter who was then 3 years old.  I had a computer and access to the internet and I was stuck in alone, every single day and night, trying to raise a child and dealing with being single for the first time in my adult.

I relied on chat rooms mainly, for company of an evening and then I discovered blogging.  The platform of choice was Diary X and the computer (and internet) was run by hamsters.  I could remain anonymous, and I would type out all my feelings and talk about the things that had happened to me in my life.  I look back and cringe at the honesty.  The things I would reveal and share to the world.  I often do the same about some of my earlier posts on this blog, but the honesty has led me to where I am now.  Being able to help and comfort hundreds of other women who read my blog.


I write about my health because it gives my mind an outlet.  PMDD makes my thoughts spiral.  I find myself full of words and no one to say them too.  A blog gives me that space to let it all out.

Moods and Musings is 5 years old this year.  For the first 3 years, it was a place to feel sorry for myself.  It was a place to let out my frustrations.  When I started this blog, I had been diagnosed with Pre Menstrual Dysphoric disorder.  I didn't blog that regularly, but I knew it was there if I needed it.  It was called Moods and Musings as I ofter liked to write about things other than my disorder, and my mind wanders.. I like to indulge that.  In the past two years my focus changed.  I was fed up with just spilling out my woes, and I also figured that it was all becoming a pretty depressing read.  So, I decided to start writing articles and compiling informative blog posts that would have the potential of helping others.  At the same time I started a support group on Facebook, that has gone from strength to strength and I now have a total of 3 meeting places on Facebook for women with PMDD.

My health over the past 5 years has also improved.  My life has changed dramatically, and in turn has given me more strength to find the positive in things.  I have learned better ways of dealing and living with PMDD.  I have my journey here in front of me.... and it's out there for others to share.
I still write about my experiences, but I now try to make every post more positive.  Yes, women with PMDD are looking for women with similar stories, and to know that they aren't the only one, but they are also looking for alternative ways of coping, for tips, ideas and theories that might shed some light on their life.

So, I now blog because I know I have readers.. because I know that my articles have helped others to come to some realisation that in turn has helped them.  I STILL need an outlet for my busy mind and all the thoughts in my head, and for as long as I can find things to write about, I will be blogging!

The Mind vs Medications

I am a believer in Quantum Physics.  I really enjoy learning about the concepts of the human mind and what it is capable of.  It started with The Secret, a book that many are familiar with nowadays, but my interest has gone further into trying to learn and grasp more of the theories, especially those related to healing.

I highly recommend the film 'What the bleep do we know?' as a great place to start with this huge topic.  You can watch the movie on You Tube for free by following this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT50SV3W5K0, but I highly recommend the rabbit hole edition of the DVD that has many many extra hours of interviews and explanations.

The theory, in very basic terms is that everything in this world is energy.  That includes ourselves and everything around us.  The question of 'What is reality?' is a biggie.  It can lead to a complete head f**k while trying to understand the concept, but I will try and explain how I see it in relation to how we can use our mind to heal ourselves instead of looking to outside influences, namely drugs and medications.  We need to look at the brain and it's capabilities.  It has been shown in experiments that the brain fires the same responses when seeing something in real life, or simply remembering the event.  So how do we perceive what is real and what is not?  If our memories create the same responses in the brain when remembering something, as it did when we first saw it, then we can see how it's easy to repeat the same patterns.  We become locked into a pattern of responses that then becomes our reality.  PMDD is like Groundhog day.  Every month we go through the same pattern.  Our body is reacting to the hormones that are triggered in our brain, and we respond accordingly due to a learned response to each feeling.

I believe our brains are like our on board organic computer.  It's organic because it can be grown and developed, unlike the computers of modern day, which are developed to a point, only to be out done year after year by new technology.  You can upgrade the system you have to some degree, but inevitably, we will seek a newer, more powerful model after a few years.  Technology advances so quickly, but imagine how that could work within a living organism.  Information in the brain can be processed as slowly as 0.5 meters/sec or as fast as 120 meters/sec (about 268 miles/hr).

The brain generates electricity (or energy).  Every thought, feeling and bodily process starts as an electrical impulse in the brain.  We have centres in our brains that send out electrical signals and receptors that receive them.  While awake, your brain generates between 10 and 23 watts of power–or enough energy to power a light bulb. The programming in our brains starts as a baby.  The capacity for such emotions as joy, happiness, fear, and shyness are already developed at birth. The specific type of nurturing a child receives shapes how these emotions are developed.
By the time we realise we are suffering from PMDD, we have a years of programmed and learned responses to life.  We have either acquired these from the people around us or developed them ourselves as methods of coping and keeping safe.

If we are living with learned responses, it is possible that we can unlearn them.  If our brains continue to make the same connections over and over, we can surely teach it to make new connections and responses.

So, how does this apply to PMDD?  I realised that the patterns I was going through could be learned responses and reactions.  I have lived a life that has been full of stress, and at times, trauma.
I have created strong pathways in my brain, ways to cope with the hormonal changes in my body and mind.  For me, taking medications never seemed to help.  The mood swings and extreme thoughts and feelings would not leave me.  Sometimes, I would feel more disconnected from them, but the disconnection made me feel even more out of control.

Taking a pill and believing it will cure you is naive.  Work needs to be done within the mind.
Re training and re programming ourselves, whether alongside or without medication is essential.  I am not suggesting anyone gives up any medications they are on.  We have our own choices to make when it comes to how we treat our disorder and what is comfortable for us.  Some people feel better when they are taking a pill.  That's how the placebo effect works.  For me, taking a pill meant I was ill.  In my head, if I had to take a pill for the rest of my life, it means I am unwell.  That thought then permeates everything.  I am ill.  It reaffirms that thought, and that never made me feel better.

I am also not saying that by not taking any medication I all of a sudden feel well.  But I do feel more in control and stronger in the knowledge that I am not so ill that I have to take a plethora of tablets to make me function in the world. 

Sufferer's of PMDD know only too well how much this disorder affect's their perception of the world.  It's easy to see when you go from a rational, understanding person to someone who believes the whole world hates them, past issues and event's surface and our own place in the world is in question.  I knew that this was in my head.  I knew that it wasn't really me, or what I truly felt about the world, yet the changes in hormones, lack of serotonin and programmed responses led me to be in a vicious cycle.

We all know the saying 'turn that frown upside down' or 'think happy thoughts'.  This is really difficult for a sufferer to do when in the throes of a dysphoric episode, but there is proof that be being more positive and trying to break the usual patterns of coping can help to break free from the worst effects of the cycle.  Cognitive Behaviourial Therapy (CBT) and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) are both ways of trying to re wire your thinking patterns.   

We can treat our bodily symptoms by eating well, getting enough sleep and exercise, but we cannot forget about looking after our minds.  If we continue to allow ourselves to react in the same way over and over, we will always see the same results.

Food for thought.  Can you change the way you react to your PMDD?  Can you create different reactions to the way you feel?  If PMDD brings on false thoughts that we take on to be real, does that make them real?  How do we create our own reality?  In no way am I suggesting that PMDD isn't real, and if you follow my blog you will know I am working very hard to get this disorder recognised, but I feel there is more each and everyone of us can do to help ourselves, just by fighting the false moods and tricking the body and mind out of them.

If we label ourselves as anything, we then reinforce it.  If we believe we are going to have a bad day, we probably will.  If we identify with being ill, we are more likely to be ill.  Just when we fake an illness to get the day off work, then sure enough, we get ill a few days later.

It is scientifically recognised that a smile, whether a real smile expressed at something that make us happy, or a fake smile, put on for whatever reason, creates the same responses in our brain.  Smiling and laughing releases our bodies feel good hormones, endorphins, but the body does not distinguish whether we are truly happy or not.  The endorphins are triggered regardless.  If this is the case, we DO have the ability to change how we react to our mood swings.


Stop believing you have no control.  It merely reinforces the belief.   Stop believing you are powerless, useless, unworthy, a lost cause... all these things are untrue.  Stop believing you are beyond help, or that nothing will ever help you.  Stop believing you will never get better.

Start believing you can have a calmer life.  Start believing you can change the way you feel.  You are in control.  You have the power to change, to get better, to heal.  Of course we will all have bad days.. EVERYONE on the planet has bad days, but we can try and stop them, reduce them, and give them less fuel.

I DO believe we can think ourselves well.  I do believe we can heal ourselves.  It's not an easy route, and for me, I have had to have the support of a counselor, family and friends, but I am living proof that the symptoms of PMDD can be lessened without the use of medications....

I will leave you with these thoughts, and a selection of quotes that re affirm what I am trying to say in this post.  For some, tablets, injections and surgery may be the right option.  They will feel better and healed by going down that route, but for some, like me, medication and surgery are not an option.  Maybe that's because you don't like taking meds, or you haven't found that anything has helped, or maybe it's just BECAUSE...  Never feel like you HAVE to take medication or be forced down a surgical route.  It is possible to manage PMDD without.  On the flipside, even ladies who ARE on medication and are following a surgical path can find some kind of benefit from thinking differently about themselves and the disorder.  No one is right, no one is wrong, its a personal choice, and one that no-one should ever judge you for.

The light of Integrity

"The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts.
Think only on those things that are
in line with your principles
and can bear the full light of day.
The content of your character is your choice.
Day to day, what you choose,
what you think,
and what you do is who you become.
Your integrity is your destiny ...
it is the light that guides your way."  - Heraclitus, Greek poet, philosopher

A Better Me

The me I wish that I could be
Would never harm a soul,
Could never speak in angry tones,
Or have a selfish goal,
And no more wrong or harmful deeds
I'd ever want to do,
If this perfect ideal me
Could be a picture true.
The me I wish I could become
Will never really be,
But simply wanting such a thing
Will make a better me."- Hilda Sanderson

"As I see it, every day, you do one of two things:
build health or produce disease in yourself." - Adelle Davis

"The more severe the pain or illness, the more severe will be the necessary changes. These may involve breaking bad habits, or acquiring some new and better ones."- Peter McWilliams, Life 101

"A wish to be well is a part of becoming well."- Lucius Seneca

"Here's your protection for whatever comes: Find something to be happy about every day, and every hour if possible, moment-to-moment, even if only for a few minutes."- Greg Braden


"I find, by experience, that the mind and the body are more than married, for they are most intimately united; and when one suffers, the other sympathizes."- The Earl of Chesterfield

"No one can listen to your body for you... To grow and heal, you have to take responsibility for listening to it yourself."- Jon Kabat-Zinn

"Our limitations and success will be based, most often, on our own expectations for ourselves. What the mind dwells upon, the body acts upon". -Denis Waitley

Quotes sourced from - http://www.healinggateway.com/thoughts.php
Brain Facts sourced from - http://www.nursingassistantcentral.com/blog/2008/100-fascinating-facts-you-never-knew-about-the-human-brain/
Smiling facts from - http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/benefits-of-smiling.htm
Images from Google images.