Thursday, 25 October 2012

Losing the fight.

I haven't written like this in a long time.  Right now, I have no other options.

I have fallen down the slippery slope.  Lost hold of the rope.  Tripped into the chasm that is my sorry life.  I am low.  Really fucking low.  For the past 3 cycles I have battled the suicidal thoughts.  I've hid from them, I've talked myself down, now on day 6 of my cycle, I still feel the same.  Nothing has lifted.

Now it seems the depression is really taking root.  October.  Almost November.  There is NOTHING good about the UK in November.  The crisis team seem to be completely incapable of their jobs.  As do the community mental health team.  You know, it's impossible to raise a complaint, or point our their mistakes with the CMHT.  You are the crazy one after all.  One word out of line and it's 'if you raise your voice again I WILL hang up'.  What part of I'M SUICIDAL AND NEED HELP AND ONE OF YOUR WORKERS HAS NOT DONE HIS JOB SINCE THE LAST TIME I WAS FUCKING SUICIDAL AND NEEDED HELP.  No, I did not swear at her, I surely would have had the phone slammed down on me, but the snooty bitch needs to get a job in a hotel, not a mental health department.

I'm done in.  Beat.  Lost.  Alone.  Sick.  There is no hope anywhere I turn.  After an incident in my support group a few weeks back, I found it hard to return.  It knocked me for six.  In plain writing I saw how others spoke about me.  I saw what they thought of ME.  Don't take it personally.. (one of the four agreements I remind myself), but to be honest, I have wanted to give up updating this blog, close all the groups and walk away, go back to going through my PMDD journey alone.  I tried to come back from it, focus on PMS week and churn out a load of images, create a new page for my new idea, but it was like a cheap sticking plaster, that didn't really cover the wound.

It made me question why I am trying to fight for others, look after others, speak out for others. 

I've got my own STUFF to deal with.  Trying to focus my energies on raising awareness, writing blogs, creating posters is all well and good, when it feels like there is something to fight for, but at the moment, the fight has gone.  My life feels worthless.  I'm actually beginning to think that it's truly is impossible for me to be happy.  I should go get a job cleaning toilets and forget about my life getting any better.  All this is far from just being a PMDD episode.  I have some really difficult issues, painful things, life stuff, and it's all coming up now.

I think people think I am causing all this, bringing it on myself because I won't take meds.  IF the meds they were offering had been tried and tested on PMDD, IF I had proper monitoring and care when taking them, IF I had proper support, then I might consider it, but I don't.  My family is already stretched to breaking point with me, the drugs they offer are for other illnesses, and I know, that I just don't want to go down that experimental route again.

I've deleted a ton of friends and family off my Facebook.  I want to just hit, deactivate account, and disappear. Forget about all this.  I've been tempted a few times to delete this blog... to step right back, hide, fade away and focus on something else.  I'm still undecided.  I'm on shut down, self destruct...

The trust has gone.  I am living scared.  I cannot relax.  I hate myself so much I am literally disgusted.  If this cloud lifts, I will then just feel ridiculous that I was ever in this place, but the truth is, it won't last long enough to achieve anything.  It will be a matter of days before I am here again.  It just doesn't seem worth fighting for.

So, I can't tell you the future of this blog, or my groups and pages on Facebook.  I'm staying away from it all at the moment.  Maybe I will find the drive/need/passion to continue, or maybe I will decide that it's time to forget about PMDD and trying to make a difference and walk away from it all. 

All I know now, is that I don't trust anyone.  I can't let anyone in and I just wish I could delete everything I've ever put online and effectively die in cyberspace.  Who the fuck am I anyway?

No one. 

I'm losing the fight.  Losing the will.  I just don't want to go on anymore.  I try and tell people that a life with PMDD IS worth living, that you have to have hope, keep on keeping on, but if I said that now, I would be lying cos I don't see how there is a life to be had with PMDD.


Random Blogger said...

You know, I'm having a PMDD episode now too. I feel horrible and I feel like hurting myself. But this will pass.
All our issues are real, our feelings for them aren't. Issues we normally deal with and resolve feel like mountains right now. I don't know how to fight back, but I know I have to. Our life is worth living.
You're still in there somewhere. Bide your time, wait for the darkness to lift. When it does, kick its ass and show who's the boss.

The Wifey said...

Oh Cat - I know just how you are feeling. All of it. Please know your efforts are not for nothing and you have made a huge impact on the lives of so many women who have looked to you as a guide through very difficult terrain.

I realize (especially when you are feeling your lowest) it feels like it's all a waste and you question your purpose, your self, and your being.

When you can't hear it from within, hear it from all the women in the support groups you've created... from all the husbands and boyfriends of women living with PMDD... from all of us who read your blog....

As hard as it is you are doing exactly what it is you are supposed to be doing. As far as the feeling people think you deserve this because of not choosing meds... I finally get why you chose not to do meds. They are awful. They take away even the good days. They don't always work. The side effects make the whole thing worse. None of us deserved any of this, but this is our lot in life. Some people have cancer or autism or infertility. I'm still coming to grips with this myself.

Please know you ARE understood. You ARE beautiful. You ARE NOT ALONE. Don't give up. This too shall pass and just attack every good day with the passion we all know exists inside you.


Laurie said...

What I would give to sit across from you with a glass of wine and talk. To share, to cry, to yell, to cuss... Don't you dare let what happened in the support group run through your head as truth anymore. It was two people who were having their own frustrated time. I can tell you, there was remorse in the new group over what happened by those who were kicked out. Please, sweet Cat, I want to take your pain. I want to take the lies out of your head that are pulling you down. If you could somehow believe the love this community has for you and the appreciation for how much you have allowed yourself to be exposed, it would kick the rest of the lies in the ass. Love is bigger. I know, the chance of these words breaking through your pain is slim...but maybe when it has lifted, you will come back and believe these words. Dammit, Cat. We love you. Don't you think you have to carry on so strong either. Just because you are the leader of so much of what is happening don't have to be strong all the time. You have PMDD. We get it. Be broken. Beautifully broken. It allows us to be broken and know it's normal. I am crying for you. For us. For this stupid curse so few understand, but it is ours. I HATE it. But I hate giving in more. At least for today. Love you.

Laurie said...

Somehow Google is not posting who I am...This is Laura Allen (halfofalife)

Lisa said...

ohhh cat there us nothing i can say to make u feel better. im having a shit time at the mo too. but u use to tell me to hang in there, that it wud pass. and it always did. im hanging in there right now. please hang in with me too. xx

Imala said...

I live far from you, in NZ. Your Red Tent group has helped me immensely. We have an amazing Women's Centre close to me in Lower Hutt with an incredible Self Esteem class that runs on a Friday morning, cycling through 20 or 30 topics. You can just turn up, it only costs $2. It has been running for over 20yrs. It is a truly amazing place, should have a red ceiling. I so wish I could bring you with me next week for you to soak up the good women energy and start restoring your soul. I like many others have been in a similar place to you, it is not the same place, because it was my place. And your place is yours. I have learnt that all that external stuff, the buttons that people push are because its time to deal with something and sometimes its been time to stop something or start something new. Certainly it's always been time to retreat inside me and find me again and everything else really can wait. You have touched so many peoples lives and I know there will be a swell of love and healing energy being sent to you. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and to accept it, please Cat. Maybe you are really in a stronger place than you realise and all this is here now because you are ready? Blocking doesn't fix in my experience, but being vulnerable does. We were shown a triangle of roles recently which hit home. The not so awesome triangle is victim, perpetrator & rescuer. When we allow that to become positive, the roles become: Vulnerable & open, a Listener & Assertive. So when we release the victim role and become open, we attract the other positive roles. And when we act out the other positive roles we allow others to be open & vulnerable too. You have my unconditional love, just because you are you and regardless of the place you are in.

hurtandhealing said...

I have been struggling with the suicidal thoughts each month for about 4 months, at least and it is so hard, I know. I want to give up, too, but, my bf won't let me. He has bipolar disorder and severe anxiety and it's really difficult because he triggers me so often by either the way/tone in which he speaks to me or's so frustrating.

You are doing so much good for so many, please don't stop fighting.

Much love,

Amber Renarde said...

Cat if you had never wrote that post on the Mental Health Foundation. If you had never created this blog and put your bare soul on the line for everyone to see like you are doing just now. There are lives out there like my own that would be sitting in the darkness thinking they were truly alone.

You made that difference! You gave me the strength to pick myself back up again. You gave me the words I could not find. You helped me and my husband go to the doctors and find a direction to start in.

You are never alone.

Even sitting in this void of a shit storm that's hitting you like a hurricane this season you are not alone and we CARE about you. We, your fellow walkers of this path, don't need your trust or love or positive words.

We need you to take care of yourself. Accept this time of change. You know what season it is. Harvest comes in, good and bad. The crows come home to roost. You die inside and make the deep journey to the underworld. If you need to take that step back for you and yours no one here will think any less of you. But just remember. Just as the sun sets it will always rise again. The spring will come and creation will begin anew.

Stay strong and brave. Bravery is feeling the fear but carrying on anyway. You are better than what your shadow is telling you. *hugs*

Cat said...

Thank you to all of you for your comments. They really helped me through. ♥

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