Friday, 5 October 2012

5 Years old

I was planning on a big announcement on Sunday (30th September) that Meet my PMDD - Moods and Musings blog is now 5 years old, but I've been having a really tough time recently and haven't been up to blogging.  The ideas still flow, but the desire to write has left me at the moment.

During my few good days last week, I had felt proud and happy that the blog had been going that long, and that I now have so many lovely readers and chat to so many amazing women that have found me through this little page.

But since my mood dropped again (ovulation today) I find it increasingly hard to be positive or happy about anything.  FIVE years...  SO much has happened in that time.. and it makes me realise how much pain I've gone through since 2007.. only, things didn't start going bad then.. they had been bad for a long. long time.  I've been blogging for about 10 years (back in the day I used Diary X) and have had PMDD for 22 years now.

It was cathartic.  It was healing.  It was wallowing.  It was release.  It was my place to say what I thought.  I have realised that I have a strong desire to write, and I've also discovered that I write pretty well.  Things I never would have believed of myself before.

Many times I have wanted to give up.  In the destructive moments, I've wanted to delete the whole blog and forget about it.  Like ripping up a painting in hatred of all it represents, but I've managed to restrain myself, wait a few days, then get back in the writing saddle.

I don't know where I am right now.  I feel lost.  I don't know where I'm heading or even where I want to be heading.  I had plans of doing a course this winter.  I was sure that if I had something to work towards, something to focus on I would get through the winter without all the problems that usually arise at this time of year.  I would come out in Spring/Summer 2013 with new ideas, a certificate behind me and a ton of new experiences... only, I couldn't raise the cash to do the course, and with a heavy heart, I had to come to terms with the fact it wasn't going to happen.  This has thrown me off course.  I had my heart set on this training, these experiences.. having something to focus on, but it is not an option now.  I've missed the boat again.

So now, I am floating about.  I have lost all my desire to create, which is like losing the desire to breathe. I've been surfing the web for something that will trigger a creative response, but nothing has come yet.  I've tried reading, I've tried thinking, resting, cooking, giving up all the thoughts to just sit mindlessly in front of the TV.  Still no urges to DO anything.

I don't know what's happening.  I can only hope and pray everyday that I will feel better soon.  The past month has already been tough.  Only 2 weeks ago I had another full blown breakdown.  Called crisis team and my husband had to come home from work.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  Dreaming up ways to try and escape for over 24 hours.  Staying in bed because it was the safest option.  Feeling so volatile that I didn't know what I might be capable of.  Why now?  Why am I going through this again?  Did I take a wrong turn?

The reality is that in the past 4 months, my partner moved in, I got married, we went straight into summer holidays and now everyone's back to work, school and college.  MASSIVE life changes for anyone...  but I feel left behind.  I feel like life is passing me by and I will never be anything more than the PMDD.  I still need to finish my PMDD book, I have a load of art I've been asked to create, a new website to finish, I have nothing that will bring in an income, and am stuck in my house 24/7 and the wheel is spinning faster than ever into winter.


Thank you to all who read, share my links and come and connect with me on Facebook.  I wonder if I will still be here writing about my PMDD in 2017!  weirdly, let's hope not!

1 comment:

Edgeoforever said...

The wheel is spinning, but you are not staying in place. You are growing, even if the growth can't be totally measured by conventional yardsticks. You will know it when you re-read this on a good day. In the meanwhile you did help a lot of people. You helped create a PMDD community in which people genuinely support each other. I was helped. My kid was helped. Thank you and be well.

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