Thursday, 25 October 2012

Losing the fight.

I haven't written like this in a long time.  Right now, I have no other options.

I have fallen down the slippery slope.  Lost hold of the rope.  Tripped into the chasm that is my sorry life.  I am low.  Really fucking low.  For the past 3 cycles I have battled the suicidal thoughts.  I've hid from them, I've talked myself down, now on day 6 of my cycle, I still feel the same.  Nothing has lifted.

Now it seems the depression is really taking root.  October.  Almost November.  There is NOTHING good about the UK in November.  The crisis team seem to be completely incapable of their jobs.  As do the community mental health team.  You know, it's impossible to raise a complaint, or point our their mistakes with the CMHT.  You are the crazy one after all.  One word out of line and it's 'if you raise your voice again I WILL hang up'.  What part of I'M SUICIDAL AND NEED HELP AND ONE OF YOUR WORKERS HAS NOT DONE HIS JOB SINCE THE LAST TIME I WAS FUCKING SUICIDAL AND NEEDED HELP.  No, I did not swear at her, I surely would have had the phone slammed down on me, but the snooty bitch needs to get a job in a hotel, not a mental health department.

I'm done in.  Beat.  Lost.  Alone.  Sick.  There is no hope anywhere I turn.  After an incident in my support group a few weeks back, I found it hard to return.  It knocked me for six.  In plain writing I saw how others spoke about me.  I saw what they thought of ME.  Don't take it personally.. (one of the four agreements I remind myself), but to be honest, I have wanted to give up updating this blog, close all the groups and walk away, go back to going through my PMDD journey alone.  I tried to come back from it, focus on PMS week and churn out a load of images, create a new page for my new idea, but it was like a cheap sticking plaster, that didn't really cover the wound.

It made me question why I am trying to fight for others, look after others, speak out for others. 

I've got my own STUFF to deal with.  Trying to focus my energies on raising awareness, writing blogs, creating posters is all well and good, when it feels like there is something to fight for, but at the moment, the fight has gone.  My life feels worthless.  I'm actually beginning to think that it's truly is impossible for me to be happy.  I should go get a job cleaning toilets and forget about my life getting any better.  All this is far from just being a PMDD episode.  I have some really difficult issues, painful things, life stuff, and it's all coming up now.

I think people think I am causing all this, bringing it on myself because I won't take meds.  IF the meds they were offering had been tried and tested on PMDD, IF I had proper monitoring and care when taking them, IF I had proper support, then I might consider it, but I don't.  My family is already stretched to breaking point with me, the drugs they offer are for other illnesses, and I know, that I just don't want to go down that experimental route again.

I've deleted a ton of friends and family off my Facebook.  I want to just hit, deactivate account, and disappear. Forget about all this.  I've been tempted a few times to delete this blog... to step right back, hide, fade away and focus on something else.  I'm still undecided.  I'm on shut down, self destruct...

The trust has gone.  I am living scared.  I cannot relax.  I hate myself so much I am literally disgusted.  If this cloud lifts, I will then just feel ridiculous that I was ever in this place, but the truth is, it won't last long enough to achieve anything.  It will be a matter of days before I am here again.  It just doesn't seem worth fighting for.

So, I can't tell you the future of this blog, or my groups and pages on Facebook.  I'm staying away from it all at the moment.  Maybe I will find the drive/need/passion to continue, or maybe I will decide that it's time to forget about PMDD and trying to make a difference and walk away from it all. 

All I know now, is that I don't trust anyone.  I can't let anyone in and I just wish I could delete everything I've ever put online and effectively die in cyberspace.  Who the fuck am I anyway?

No one. 

I'm losing the fight.  Losing the will.  I just don't want to go on anymore.  I try and tell people that a life with PMDD IS worth living, that you have to have hope, keep on keeping on, but if I said that now, I would be lying cos I don't see how there is a life to be had with PMDD.

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Sharing the BLOG Love ♥

You just HAVE to go and check out these fantastic PMDD Blogs!

I think it's great that others are pouring all their experiences and knowledge into a blog to share with others.  Go and support some fellow PMDD sistas!

It takes courage to share your stories, but the more who do, the less women will feel alone in their lives with PMDD.

Way to go girls!

28 Days Poster

The idea came to me last night...

Here is my 28 Days painting, with a little magic from Photoshop, turned into a spot the difference style poster!

This painting always makes me giggle, so it's nice to have found a use to share it more.

Come on over to Facebook to share from one of my pages...

(c) Cat Hawkins -

Monday, 15 October 2012

PMDD Awareness UK

It's a new moon today, AND it's PMS AWARENESS WEEK so there is no better time to launch my new project. A place to keep all the campaign work separate to the blogging, and somewhere to focus all the PMDD Awareness stuff....


There will be a new website coming soon!

I will be continuing all the campaigning over there and hopefully we can get bigger and stronger in 2013.  I will of course still give updates here, but this new project will give me somewhere to focus more on raising awareness in the UK.

Please come and give me a like, even if you are not in the UK. By fighting for this here, I hope it will change things all around the world. ♥

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Women's Wisdom

Meet my PMDD - Moods and Musings Blog has been featured on a wonderful little site over in Spain run by Melissa Moss.

I was thrilled to have been asked to share my blog and I hope you will go and give her website a little visit.

Just click here to go to Holistic Mental Health Services, for women.


Well.. 24 hours ago actually but lets just say my day has been challenging!

Thankfully though, I had just enough energy left to finish what I had planned to do today.

So here are some more images to share for PMS Awareness Week 2012.

If you like them and share them, please come and give my page a LIKE over on Facebook.

If you fancy helping raise awareness and feel like giving a few leaflets out to local surgeries and health centers, give NAPS a call, they can send you some 'official' leaflets. Click here to go to NAPS.

(c) Cat Hawkins -

Saturday, 6 October 2012


Next week, on the 13th October 2012, we see another PMS Awareness Week in the UK.

It is run by NAPS - The National Association of Pre Menstrual Syndrome.  Many women end up on their site looking for information, and they have a great team of people behind them, including PMDD specialists.  You can find them at  They are a small charity and rely on others helping to raise awareness and organise events.

If you would like to join in with the event, please follow this link .  Even if you don't live in the UK, you can participate by making this the week that you talk to someone about your PMDD.  Raise awareness in whatever small way you can.  If you really want to organise an event and try and raise some cash for NAPS or just awareness, then go for it!  give them a call and see what promotional material you can get.

It was PMS Awareness Week two years ago that got the ball rolling.  I wrote to the local paper and asked if they were covering anything for PMS week and if they would like to hear my story.

I didn't hear back for a couple of months, and PMS Week was firmly in the past, but they did contact me, and I bravely/madly/insanely told my story to the local paper.  It was that story that led me to start the PMDD Support groups, that now stand at 4 groups on Facebook.

Last year, I created a small image to be passed around on Facebook to raise awareness, and this year, I was asked to do the same again.

If you are on Facebook, please follow this link to share the images.. and don't forget to give my page a LIKE while you are there!

I ended up creating a couple of more informative posters too, as it's been something I'd thought about doing a while ago (and the whim took me!).  Feel free to use and share, just please keep my copyright and web address on them...  I may not make any money from the work I do, but I spend a lot of time creating these things!

(c) Cat Hawkins -

Friday, 5 October 2012

5 Years old

I was planning on a big announcement on Sunday (30th September) that Meet my PMDD - Moods and Musings blog is now 5 years old, but I've been having a really tough time recently and haven't been up to blogging.  The ideas still flow, but the desire to write has left me at the moment.

During my few good days last week, I had felt proud and happy that the blog had been going that long, and that I now have so many lovely readers and chat to so many amazing women that have found me through this little page.

But since my mood dropped again (ovulation today) I find it increasingly hard to be positive or happy about anything.  FIVE years...  SO much has happened in that time.. and it makes me realise how much pain I've gone through since 2007.. only, things didn't start going bad then.. they had been bad for a long. long time.  I've been blogging for about 10 years (back in the day I used Diary X) and have had PMDD for 22 years now.

It was cathartic.  It was healing.  It was wallowing.  It was release.  It was my place to say what I thought.  I have realised that I have a strong desire to write, and I've also discovered that I write pretty well.  Things I never would have believed of myself before.

Many times I have wanted to give up.  In the destructive moments, I've wanted to delete the whole blog and forget about it.  Like ripping up a painting in hatred of all it represents, but I've managed to restrain myself, wait a few days, then get back in the writing saddle.

I don't know where I am right now.  I feel lost.  I don't know where I'm heading or even where I want to be heading.  I had plans of doing a course this winter.  I was sure that if I had something to work towards, something to focus on I would get through the winter without all the problems that usually arise at this time of year.  I would come out in Spring/Summer 2013 with new ideas, a certificate behind me and a ton of new experiences... only, I couldn't raise the cash to do the course, and with a heavy heart, I had to come to terms with the fact it wasn't going to happen.  This has thrown me off course.  I had my heart set on this training, these experiences.. having something to focus on, but it is not an option now.  I've missed the boat again.

So now, I am floating about.  I have lost all my desire to create, which is like losing the desire to breathe. I've been surfing the web for something that will trigger a creative response, but nothing has come yet.  I've tried reading, I've tried thinking, resting, cooking, giving up all the thoughts to just sit mindlessly in front of the TV.  Still no urges to DO anything.

I don't know what's happening.  I can only hope and pray everyday that I will feel better soon.  The past month has already been tough.  Only 2 weeks ago I had another full blown breakdown.  Called crisis team and my husband had to come home from work.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  Dreaming up ways to try and escape for over 24 hours.  Staying in bed because it was the safest option.  Feeling so volatile that I didn't know what I might be capable of.  Why now?  Why am I going through this again?  Did I take a wrong turn?

The reality is that in the past 4 months, my partner moved in, I got married, we went straight into summer holidays and now everyone's back to work, school and college.  MASSIVE life changes for anyone...  but I feel left behind.  I feel like life is passing me by and I will never be anything more than the PMDD.  I still need to finish my PMDD book, I have a load of art I've been asked to create, a new website to finish, I have nothing that will bring in an income, and am stuck in my house 24/7 and the wheel is spinning faster than ever into winter.


Thank you to all who read, share my links and come and connect with me on Facebook.  I wonder if I will still be here writing about my PMDD in 2017!  weirdly, let's hope not!
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