Wednesday, 5 December 2007
The antidepressants have seemed to kicked in. I'm generally feeling more stable, and my 'up' weeks are actually distiguishable from the down weeks at the moment.
2007 has been a year of changes. I knew it would be. I remember sitting on a friends sofa, early in January, saying how numerologically it was a '9' year, which meant a lot of things would come to an end, or reach completion. I knew some big things would happen this year, and they have.
Earlier this year, I lost 2 very close friends. Not through death or anything, nor did I acually misplace them or thier friendship, but for some reason, I knew I had to let them go. One male friend was taken away, our friendship ended suddenly. Confusion over feelings, my depression, and the desperate need to feel slightly normal meant that we were suspected of having an affair. The last time I saw him we were close friends... slightly confused about our feelings for each other, but friends despite whatever people may think. Losing his companionship was hard, and I felt so lonely. I'm not single. I suppose the way I'm talking makes me sound like I am, but I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years. This friend, was also my partners friend, but my partner is not exactly an advocate of forgiveness, prefering to hold grudges till the day he dies.
The other friend I lost, was my only spiritual friend. We'd spend hours talking about the universe, witchcraft, new age wierdy stuff, and our own amazing experiences She was the only person I could turn to, who would understand what I was raving on about, and who would never judge me. We have parted company before in out lives. We both had so much 'going on' that to continue our relationship was just too much. I feel like this is what has happened again, although part of it was due to the fact that I couldn't stand around and watch her mess up her life again by getting into alcohol and sleeping with married men.
I turned 30 this year, my partner just turned 23. Our relationship is very difficult, but I have realised that a lot has to do with the fact that I have no belief in love. I dont feel it, I dont believe in it. I dont think that anyone knows how to love someone healthily, and in all my relationships I feel trapped by expectations, by the supposed 'right' way to be. I feel smothered, restricted, and undervalued. The saddest thing is.. I dont believe I will ever find love. With my partner, or anyone.. I cant stand the world I live in, it all feels wrong, and there is nothing I can do about it. I say the word.. but I dont feel it.
This year also started with my mothers return from abroad. She got off the plane in January, with a suitcase and £10. She had left France behind, along with a man who she said she hated. We have tried to have a relationship, tried to make it work, but the reality is that I just dont have a place for her aymore. She has been out of my life so long (12 years), that to return now and try and be my mother is impossible. After 9 months of awkward meetings, and a false sense of progress, it became clear that I am not emotionally stable enough to deal with the cold icy wind of my mother. I have chosen to stay away, and try to focus on my life and keeping myself well.
to be continued...
Thursday, 15 November 2007
A lot has been going on recently. My bad health, the continuous feeling that I have to change, the fear, the signs and symbols that keep appearing to me.
This week, on recommendation by someone I deeply respect and admire, I bought a book, Shakti Woman by Vicki Noble. Little did I know how important this book would be for me. Everything I have been trying to understand, about my health, my illness, my life, the way I feel, the things that have been happening or have happened to me.
I have always felt that what I was going through was connected to something spiritual. Something I was missing, something I didnt understand. I know I am sensitive to the Moon's energies, so why not the Sun, the planets? For the past couple of years, I've stepped up my reading and research in Astrology, and have a deep desire to study it professionally. I feel like I am on the tip of an iceberg. So much is becoming clear, yet with it comes more questions, more confusion.
I am facing a big challenge, and one I just dont know if I can take on. My inner self knows that I can face and handle anything that is thrown at me, but I still, just dont feel quite ready to jump into the void.
All the things that this book has brought up. My power animals, the spider, who has visited me in terrifying dreams in the past, the snake, and the Owl. I owned a snake in my teens, being drawn to it as the next best thing to keep when I wasn't allowed a cat, I was always worried I couldnt look after it properly, that because of me I would cause it harm. My snake had to be rehomed during my pregnancy. We later found out that he had been a carrier of salmonella, and my reasons for re-homing became more clear. In Chinese Astrology, I am a Fire Snake, another reason to be attracted to serpants. I once had a cat I would call Owl. Her face so round with fluffy fur, and huge saucer-like eyes just reminded me of an Owl. When our black cat Boo died this summer, we really felt the hole left by his untimely death. We found an adorably fluffy kitten which reminded me so much of my old cat. Her mannerisms are the same, her owl like features. Then, as the year turns and we enter autumn, I've been kept awake by the haunting call of an owl nearby. It keeps me up, waiting, listening for it's call.
Recently, I have drawn many webs, and let the spiders in my house build thier webs. Yes it looks a bit like The Munsters live here, but I dont really mind! I have been more and more interested in the kundalini and the serpant, along with feeling so close to an owl, right outside my bedroom window.
The PMDD, I have come to learn, can be reasonably controlled by good exercise, excellent diet and supplements. I am crap at regular exercise, I eat in fits and starts, but when I do I try to be healthy, I always fail when it comes to sugar. I am completely addicted. I smoke pot to numb the boredom of not being able to follow my dreams. I am doing everything I shouldnt be. Add to this, the manic depression, the monthly cycle of hormonal hell, and SAD which can hit me on grey days even in the summer.
I am in the midst of a healing crises. I think I have been here for quite a while. Over the years I have studied various faiths, practiced witchcraft, become attuned to Reiki, learned Aromatherapy and massage, studied the Tarot and Art therapy, symbolism, and Astrology. Been through years of counselling, mental health assessments and even a meeting with a Pastors Wife (who told me that I was ill in this way as I'd played with the occult and had been cursed).
I've been searching for someone, who can help me with my experience. I do not believe I have this illness by chance, I believe it is a manefestation of me not being on the right course in life. No matter how many times I change direction, I'm still not getting better. This is because, for the past 5 years, after a painful marriage break up, and battling with my demons, I have lost all my spiritual connections. Actually, not all. I still observe the festivals, and go for walks in each season. I cook seasonally, and entertain friends regularly. I have also returned to my Tarot studies, with more energy than ever. My personal relationship with the Goddess has suffered. It's been years since I meditated regularly, practised yoga, or worshipped under the full moon. I miss it, and I know I need it back in my life. I am worried about appearing odd to others, worried that it will all be in vain. Something happened today though, that has put my mind at rest.
While lazing in the bath, I felt very relaxed. I had just read a chapter of the book about journeying. I had always thought it to be a long process, having to be intricate and intense. In meditation classes, I would always be the person who didnt get a message, didnt get a gift. Today, I simply drifted off, and spoke to myself about what I saw. Whether the image came after the words, or vice versa, a scenario unfolded and I went on a journey. After stupidly assuming I didnt have any power animals, then realising the significance of the spider, snake and owl, I went on to see 2 more power animals on my journey, a bear and an eagle. I also met a tribal man, who gave me a gift, a bow and arrow. The first thing that came to mind was Diana, the huntress.
Later on that day, I was reading the chapter about Shaman Art. I decided to have a go at drawing with my left hand. With no intentions I put pen to paper and let it move where it wanted. Images started to appear, and I decided to colour it with my left hand too. It hurt a lot! but I am amazed at what I achieved with my left hand!
More animals appear to me, the Swan, the Dragonfly, the Clam (can I be as 'happy as a clam?'), all the Elements are there, a face, in profile or face on? The feeling of achieving this is exciting, and something I wish to practice more often. Another way I have tuned in is by pulling Soul Cards and drawing from them.
Since I moved to my current house, I've never seen so many dragonflies. I have even been scared witless my a huge dragonfly flying through the house. They are so loud! and sit beautifully on the washing line, but not long enough for me to get my camera! Earlier this year, I took some beautiful pictures of a Swan, that had made the most magnificant nest. My name, Catherine means Pure, in celtic symbology, the swan also signifies purity.
I am still going over all the things I have learned in my head. I have to wait for the thoughts to settle and digest. I am going to the New Forest tomorrow. A magical place for me, a place which always stirs something in me, especially at this time of year.
Everyday I am feeling a little more confident about the need for me to change everything, to take control, and be who I am supposed to be. How different I feel from one week ago, at New Moon.
By First quarter, I am alive again, I am buzzing, I read a whole book in 3 days!
After charting all my periods for the past year, it has become clear that I get my period 2-3 days after the full moon, so I ovulate around the new moon. New Moon, new egg.. Full moon passes, time to let go of the egg. Although full moon brings depression to varying degree, new moon brings a 'blip', an acute 'mood', a snap, a whirlwind that lasts a couple of days at most. At this time I have been out of control, burning with rage, and filled with pain. New moons always bring out the worst in me, yet the full moon is often filled with pre-menstrual depression. Maybe the quarter moons are best for me? when the powers are more equal, in balance.
Jeez, there we go again, balance, pisces, virgo... mother, career... single, settled.. man, woman? fighting extremes seems to be me destiny. I dont want to fight anymore, I want to be in control, honour and respect the way I am, rather than despise it.
Enough for now. More thoughts soon, including the fact I think this is now no longer a PMDD blog, more a journal of my shamanistic healing crises.
With my deepest thanks to Michele Bailey-Lessirard
Thursday, 8 November 2007
I've been feeling like I did when I had SAD. Tired, lethargic, everything is an effort, even life itself.
Today, I went mental, had a breakdown.. whatever you wanna call it. For no particular reason, I got up, and snapped. Screaming and shouting, suicidal thoughts and words, fear and loathing of my life. Everything it has been, is and will be.
The doctor came. He was nice. I'm going back on anti-depressants and have some other meds to keep me calmer. I feel like life is easier when I'm slightly sedated, hence why I smoke pot, but then again, on the other hand, what sort of life have you got if to live it, you have to be sedated.
I have wished today, that the part of me that constantly dreams, hopes and aspires, would dissapear, shut up, be deactivated. All the dreaming hightlights how far my life is from where I would like it to be, and it just hurts, like torture. Shutting up the dreams means I might just HAVE to find a way to deal with the way things are.
What is a life without dreams? especially for a pisces.
I realised, when I logged on this evening, after sleeping the day away, that it is New Moon today. This is one of many 'episodes' that I have had at New Moon.
I clicked straight over to my favourite astrology journal, that spotlights the New Moons, and a few things jumped out at me.
Scorpio-react to the whack.
The urge to merge, Scorpio’s energy and The Way of the Shaman. We meet these Scorpio issues in all of our relationships, especially in love and fear. What part of me had to go to sleep to be in relationship with you? How do I react to the whack?
A lot of the issues I have are regarding relationships. I have 3 main troubled ones, My mother, my partner and my eldest daughter. All three push my buttons and cause a certain amount of distress in my head.
In Scorpio one tempers the creative fire of Leo. During the time when the Sun moves through Scorpio we get an opportunity to see what is out of whack [fall harvest], how we are merging but not getting fed creatively. This urge to merge comes to a head at the New Moon in Scorpio- you’ll see pretty quickly what needs attention, and what you need to let go of to move forward.
Letting go of the old way to move into the new is the gift of Scorpio’s transformation. The key word here is TRANSCENDANCE.
"We spend a tremendous amount of psychic energy looking for lost parts of ourselves. We do this unconsciously, and we do this in many different ways-generating dreams, experimenting with numerous spiritual paths, creating relationships that mirror back to us our missing parts...Whenever we experience a trauma, a part of our vital essence separates from us in order to survive the experience by escaping the full impact of the pain. If a part of our vital essence has fled, how can we bring it back? Trauma is controlled by the body. Talking about trauma does not resolve it. [In a healing session] can the person absorb the light from the returned soul essence into every cell of the body?"-Sandra Ingerman in her book Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self
Lost parts of myself. My inner child. The child that was left behind. The child that no-body wanted. My dad left me and my mum when I was 3. My mum got remarried when I was 11. I was a pain in the ass, a burden, a thing that needed love and attention, an only child. My mum left when I was 17. Moved to France, with my step-dad. I went through engagement, marriage, 2 pregnancies, divorce, homelessness, and suffering a mental illness and depression without her. Everyone else around me had to deal with my moods, my lows, my rage. Where was she? In my darkest moments, in the depths of the pain, all I wanted was my Mum, to make it all better like Mum's are supposed to. She never came.
My husband, who I was with when my mum left, after 9 years together, had an affair. I was 25, almost divorced and homeless. Now the little trust I had in men (my dad leaving was enough to put pay to me thinking much of men), had been destroyed.
I met my father, when I was 23. We started to build a relationship, and 3 years later, he moved to Spain with his girlfriend. Left again. I may have been 26, but the pain of him leaving again took me straight back to being a child.
They both showed me that I wasnt worth sacrificing anything for. They wanted their partners and thier lives, they didnt want me, a screaming baby, a moody, depressive teenager or even a woman who'd got through it and was doing ok.
I started cutting ties with my father, as trying to stay in touch was hard. I was constantly being dissapointed by him, and he is certainly not on the pedestal he once was. My Mum, returned from Europe almost a year ago. Her relationship had fallen apart (not my step-dad, he died a few years ago) and she said she was back for good and wanted a relationship with me. I've tried, but it recently became apparent that she still has no concept on how her actions have affected me. She just wants to forget it all and move on. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for me, and the pain of abandonment, and the feeling of not being good enough for you own mothers love is just too much to bear.
I am scared for my children. That I will mess up, that I am not good enough to bring up the two amazing souls I was blessed with looking after.
Scorpio’s energy demands transformation- this watery sign is ruled by both Mars, Pluto and some say Chiron. Where Scorpio sits in your chart you are called to shape shift by letting go and surrendering. Holding onto your pain and suffering, trying to remain in control or becoming controlling [usually related to a unconscious fear] is related to a lack of trust and thus creates more soul loss. Walk your talk.
Scorpio, is in 8th house, which is the house Scorpio rules. Not sure what that means.
Mars rules fiery Aries and watery Scorpio- fire does not like water. Reflect on that [fire and anger with water and emotions] for a moment. Mars, Pluto and Chiron brings the forth the ability to recognize and understand our pain, transform it and then create from it. Let me talk about creativity, power and shamanism from my perspective….
It was definately firey water today. Which again is quite apt, as I have just drawn up my next tattoo, and it has firey water, with two firey orange fish, with eyes on thier backs. No wonder the tattoo felt so right when I drew it up.
So at this New Moon in Scorpio how are you stuck? What emotion is still present -anger, sadness, guilt, fear?
How is your pain urging you to merge, yet you are not moving? This Scorpio New Moon will reveal a pattern, dredge up the past, so stay aware. Watch your dreams and what is showing up [omens] in your waking life. It may be related to the last time Saturn was in Virgo (1977-78).
I have to think about this more. My pain is urging me to move away from the past and the things that have constantly let me down. Move away from the dissapointments and the inevitable pain. The past has been dredged up. It started with an argument with my mother, and another mental health assessment last week that asked me to rake up everything all over again. It's been on my mind, bugging, niggling, working it's way in until today... Bang. I burst.
The last time Saturn was in Virgo was when I was born, I have never had this transit in my adult lifetime. I was 3 when it passed.. funnily enough, that was when my Dad left me.
I have so many desires. So many things I want to do with my life. Having kids is an eternal struggle of responsibilty and dreams that can never come true.
How can I find peace?
I'm tired. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
In fact, far from being 'normal' and happy, the past 2 weeks have been low, I have for the most part, stayed indoors, and kept myself to myself. There have been times when I have wanted to visit, and write, but due to time being so short when I can think clearer, I didn't want to get into moaning.
The weekend of the 13/14th, ovulation, was awful. I was so down and depressed, and alone.
I am behind on bills and shopping, I am broke, and now, to top it all, my partner had an operation on Monday and is now off work for 4 weeks. Before he went into hosp, a situation arose, one which hurt and upset me. I would rather be doing anything other than nursing him. I am angry with him, but it's all brushed under the carpet again.
I am due on in the next few days. It is full moon on friday, and I really havent a clue how I am going to cope with it all. My eldest daughter is back at the weekend too. I should be looking forward to it, but to be honest, she is just another source of stress.
I have an appointment with another psychiatrist on friday, but far from getting my hopes up, or hoping they will be able to help, I know I'll be a puzzle, a mystery, and they'll offer plenty of stuff that will never happen.
Down on the world again... yup.
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
Friday (Day 5), after very little sleep, was pretty average. I went to the Doctors regarding the depression and the fact that I dont feel well enough to get a job or forward my life in anyway. I have been reffered to a Gynacologist, and back for Psychiatric care and support. I have a choice regarding medication. I can try Progesterone, as I havent tried it before and some women find it helpful, but I am worried sick about putting more hormones into my body. It cant cope with the ones I've got!
Saturday and Sunday (Day 6 & 7) were busy, productive, and I felt a lot better. I had some energy, we cleared out the shed and did a whole array of other housey type jobs. I had one blip on Saturday around 3-4pm, and had a little freak out, about money this time, and the lack of it, and how I'm destined to live in a house we cant afford with dirty magnolia walls as we'll never have the money to make it nice.
Monday (Day 8), Mood was still good. I was still cleaning and doing odd jobs round the house. A friend was due to come from the USA, but for a reason still unknown to me, he didnt turn up. Obviously I am worried, but I have followed every route to try and contact him or find out whats happened to no avail. All I cant do is sit and wait for some news. I know he'll contact me when he can.
I think the change in plans buggered it up for me. I was hoping that with my friend here, I would have a distraction, company and someone to fill my time in the daytime with. Now he hasnt come, I am still where I was, only I have a sparkling clean house!
Yesterday (Tuesday - Day 9) I had a good day. Luke was off work, we had a huge late brunch with a mate, and watched kids videos! (it was pouring with rain all day and not worth going out for anything!) I felt tired, but still managed to cook two more meals (one in advance for today), visited a friend, and felt generally upbeat.
Today however... Day 10, and I find myself worring again about my future, my weight, my eating habits. Broke down in tears again on the phone, and was horrible to my eldest daughter again. Worried I'll never get myself out of all the habits that are no good for me. The fact is, I have to change all this, I simply HAVE to, or life isnt worth living.
I feel like a bad mother today. I was mean to my eldest before she went to school, even though I know she is nervous about going away with her Dad on hols this week, and I haven't given Fae much attention for a few days. Unfortunately, she's become addicted to videos, and is happy watching them, so that suits me when I am feeling crap. We have been out for a walk today, and I try to do 'something' with her everyday, but to me, it still doesnt feel like I'm doing enough with her.
Mind you, I never feel like I'm doing enough.
Friday, 5 October 2007
The Owl as a Spirit Guide
The Owl is the bringer of wisdom. The all-seeing owl possesses supernatural qualities and is often associated with intuition, clairvoyance and clairaudience.
The Owl’s energy is at its peak in the very heart of darkness. When we are plunged into blindness and disorientation. He penetrates the darkness of the blackest night. Seeing and hearing that which others cannot.
A magical creature of the forest enigmatic and powerful.If the owl is calling you, or you are aware of the owl being present in your life, dreaming or waking. You are being called upon to open your eyes, ears and mind to the truth of a situation. To listen to the wisdom deep in your heart and soul. That still small voice is trying to reach you in some way. To assist you or help you in a current challenge you may be facing. Tap into the power of the Owl by calling on your own intuition, listen to your own wisdom for there is something you need to see or hear.
As the owl is so strongly associated with the night time, his wisdom may come to you while you slumber. So take the time to be aware of your dreams or make a special effort to remember and write down any important dreams you have.
The Owl is a messenger that can bring clarity and illumination.
Monday, 1 October 2007
I've been an ogre this morning, and my eldest daughter copped it.
She doesnt deserve the harsh words, the criticism, the things I say that make her feel unwanted. Thats what I went through. Not in such a direct way, but the message was the same. I dont want you.. go live with your Dad.. In truth he wont have her living with him and nor would mine.
How do I ever make up for all the awful things I've said? She will never be able to trust me, my words, as there is no consistency. As with the PMDD.. life potters along OK, and then.. BAM.. Mummy's going mental again.
I'd like to say it's day 1 of my moon, but in reality, it's not really started yet. I'm still waiting for the painful cramping and agonising backache. That lasts a day or two. Maybe it will start later today. It would be so much easier if it was clean cut.. on.. off.. but I've learned that periods dont work like that for me. The curse? yes.. it's my curse.
The 'Fairground Mirror' effect has been with me since Saturday too... that experience of everything you wore last week now looks terrible when you put it on. You look at yourself in the mirror and cant believe how bad you look, how fat you are, how bad your hair is. How can YOU go outside looking like that? All my self confidence vanishes, and I make myself believe that staying in is the only option, that, or go out anyway and feel paranoid.
Funnily enough, I read a quote this morning:
"Trying to find a cure for PMS, is like trying to find a cure for being a woman".
It begs the question, HOW do I ever get my life back? If this is just me, and my unfortunate luck to have a body that reacts badly to it's own hormones, and there is no cure, this is just the way it is... How do I survive? How can I possibly bring up my children the way they deserve?
I've been thinking that my way out would be to get a job, to have something to work for, some money, some time away from being Mum. At times like this I then wonder if I could ever hold down a job and what would happen if this hit and I had to go to work. Lets face it, It's gonna happen once a month. I always prided myself on being a confident, happy, dedicated employee. I never pull sickies, I like to work, but when I feel like this i'm likely to just tell the Boss to piss off and shove his job.. either that of end up having so much time off sick there would be no point in working.
What to do?
The doc will want me back on the Prozac. If I felt like it would bring relief, I would, but my moods still happen, It's just takes the edge off it. What my life really needs is an overhaul. When will I find the time for that?
Small steps are fine, if I didnt have to keep leaping off course to be a Mother.
I hope I remeber to write this when I'm having good days too... I'm a nice person really.
(Today was DAY 1 afterall)
Sunday, 30 September 2007
That was yesterday.
Today, My head is raging, I want to scream and fight and tell everyone what I think of them. All the pain I have ever faced, all the upsetting situations I've been in, all the dissapointment, all the doubt, all hit's me at once like a dam breaking.
First the angry thoughts trickle through... stupid stuff bout the washing up not being done, or belongings left lying about. Then it starts getting worse, and I start to question my life. Surely, if my life wasnt like this then I'd be ok???
Then it turns inwards, and the Dam breaks. I am washed away in all the sadness and anger, all the hurt and the rage. I find myself fighting against my own self. It's relentless.
The more anyone says, the worse it gets.
I hate my kids, I regret having them. I'm supposed to be thier everything, and every month, I am nothing. I hide away, I cant be in the same room as them. I stay behind and they go out.
I sit with myself and try to relieve the rampage in my head. I try to make thier lives good, and me staying away is the only way I can see to protect them.
At this time, I dream of packing my bags and leaving. Of getting on a train and finidng somewhere, alone, where I can do no damage to anyone but myself. No-one derserves to be on the recieving end when the PMDD hits.
At the moment, I dont work. It drives me insane. I feel like everything I can offer is being lost in time, worry, anxiety and low self confidence.
I look back to how confident I was before I had kids, and I just wish I could get that back. I sometimes see glimpses, like when your in a car and you see something interesting behind a fence. You know it's there, but you cant for the life of you get a decent look.
I'm down the pit again, at the bottom today. I may be half way up tomorrow, squinting at the sunlight and making tracks to get closer, or I may end up curling up and staying there a while.
My anger is at times too much to bear. Like the negative voice that sits on your shoulder, mine climbs in through my ear and invades my head. It's impossible to shake it out, it's a battle, every month.
Yet... at times, I feel my most strong and assertive. All the things I put up with all month, suddenly become unbearable, and I try to bring it up, try to express myself... then more often than not it goes wrong. I dont word it well, I raise my voice, or I just might break down in sobs.. The things that bothered me, earlier on that month, that were just a niggle, start unfolding themselves as more things to be upset about, more issues to have with people. Are they real? Or are they just a product of the PMDD? How can I be sure?
Then, the doubt sets in. Is this me? Is this just who I am?
Well.. it IS me... Until I get this monster completely under control, It will be 'me', every month.
On the upside, It's not this bad every month. I have 'good' months. Those I rate by how much damage has been caused. If I manage to get through it with minimum disruption, it's a 'good' month. If it wreks my life and upsets my family, if I cant be a part of the family, and stay at home, then it's a 'bad' month.
Today, this month's moon has been a bad one. I'm feeling very low, and alone.