It's funny, how synchronicity works. It's too complicated to explain half the time and I may end up like a rambling idiot trying desperatley to make sense.
A lot has been going on recently. My bad health, the continuous feeling that I have to change, the fear, the signs and symbols that keep appearing to me.
This week, on recommendation by someone I deeply respect and admire, I bought a book, Shakti Woman by Vicki Noble. Little did I know how important this book would be for me. Everything I have been trying to understand, about my health, my illness, my life, the way I feel, the things that have been happening or have happened to me.
I have always felt that what I was going through was connected to something spiritual. Something I was missing, something I didnt understand. I know I am sensitive to the Moon's energies, so why not the Sun, the planets? For the past couple of years, I've stepped up my reading and research in Astrology, and have a deep desire to study it professionally. I feel like I am on the tip of an iceberg. So much is becoming clear, yet with it comes more questions, more confusion.
I am facing a big challenge, and one I just dont know if I can take on. My inner self knows that I can face and handle anything that is thrown at me, but I still, just dont feel quite ready to jump into the void.
All the things that this book has brought up. My power animals, the spider, who has visited me in terrifying dreams in the past, the snake, and the Owl. I owned a snake in my teens, being drawn to it as the next best thing to keep when I wasn't allowed a cat, I was always worried I couldnt look after it properly, that because of me I would cause it harm. My snake had to be rehomed during my pregnancy. We later found out that he had been a carrier of salmonella, and my reasons for re-homing became more clear. In Chinese Astrology, I am a Fire Snake, another reason to be attracted to serpants. I once had a cat I would call Owl. Her face so round with fluffy fur, and huge saucer-like eyes just reminded me of an Owl. When our black cat Boo died this summer, we really felt the hole left by his untimely death. We found an adorably fluffy kitten which reminded me so much of my old cat. Her mannerisms are the same, her owl like features. Then, as the year turns and we enter autumn, I've been kept awake by the haunting call of an owl nearby. It keeps me up, waiting, listening for it's call.
Recently, I have drawn many webs, and let the spiders in my house build thier webs. Yes it looks a bit like The Munsters live here, but I dont really mind! I have been more and more interested in the kundalini and the serpant, along with feeling so close to an owl, right outside my bedroom window.
The PMDD, I have come to learn, can be reasonably controlled by good exercise, excellent diet and supplements. I am crap at regular exercise, I eat in fits and starts, but when I do I try to be healthy, I always fail when it comes to sugar. I am completely addicted. I smoke pot to numb the boredom of not being able to follow my dreams. I am doing everything I shouldnt be. Add to this, the manic depression, the monthly cycle of hormonal hell, and SAD which can hit me on grey days even in the summer.
I am in the midst of a healing crises. I think I have been here for quite a while. Over the years I have studied various faiths, practiced witchcraft, become attuned to Reiki, learned Aromatherapy and massage, studied the Tarot and Art therapy, symbolism, and Astrology. Been through years of counselling, mental health assessments and even a meeting with a Pastors Wife (who told me that I was ill in this way as I'd played with the occult and had been cursed).
I've been searching for someone, who can help me with my experience. I do not believe I have this illness by chance, I believe it is a manefestation of me not being on the right course in life. No matter how many times I change direction, I'm still not getting better. This is because, for the past 5 years, after a painful marriage break up, and battling with my demons, I have lost all my spiritual connections. Actually, not all. I still observe the festivals, and go for walks in each season. I cook seasonally, and entertain friends regularly. I have also returned to my Tarot studies, with more energy than ever. My personal relationship with the Goddess has suffered. It's been years since I meditated regularly, practised yoga, or worshipped under the full moon. I miss it, and I know I need it back in my life. I am worried about appearing odd to others, worried that it will all be in vain. Something happened today though, that has put my mind at rest.
While lazing in the bath, I felt very relaxed. I had just read a chapter of the book about journeying. I had always thought it to be a long process, having to be intricate and intense. In meditation classes, I would always be the person who didnt get a message, didnt get a gift. Today, I simply drifted off, and spoke to myself about what I saw. Whether the image came after the words, or vice versa, a scenario unfolded and I went on a journey. After stupidly assuming I didnt have any power animals, then realising the significance of the spider, snake and owl, I went on to see 2 more power animals on my journey, a bear and an eagle. I also met a tribal man, who gave me a gift, a bow and arrow. The first thing that came to mind was Diana, the huntress.
Later on that day, I was reading the chapter about Shaman Art. I decided to have a go at drawing with my left hand. With no intentions I put pen to paper and let it move where it wanted. Images started to appear, and I decided to colour it with my left hand too. It hurt a lot! but I am amazed at what I achieved with my left hand!
More animals appear to me, the Swan, the Dragonfly, the Clam (can I be as 'happy as a clam?'), all the Elements are there, a face, in profile or face on? The feeling of achieving this is exciting, and something I wish to practice more often. Another way I have tuned in is by pulling Soul Cards and drawing from them.
Since I moved to my current house, I've never seen so many dragonflies. I have even been scared witless my a huge dragonfly flying through the house. They are so loud! and sit beautifully on the washing line, but not long enough for me to get my camera! Earlier this year, I took some beautiful pictures of a Swan, that had made the most magnificant nest. My name, Catherine means Pure, in celtic symbology, the swan also signifies purity.
I am still going over all the things I have learned in my head. I have to wait for the thoughts to settle and digest. I am going to the New Forest tomorrow. A magical place for me, a place which always stirs something in me, especially at this time of year.
Everyday I am feeling a little more confident about the need for me to change everything, to take control, and be who I am supposed to be. How different I feel from one week ago, at New Moon.
By First quarter, I am alive again, I am buzzing, I read a whole book in 3 days!
After charting all my periods for the past year, it has become clear that I get my period 2-3 days after the full moon, so I ovulate around the new moon. New Moon, new egg.. Full moon passes, time to let go of the egg. Although full moon brings depression to varying degree, new moon brings a 'blip', an acute 'mood', a snap, a whirlwind that lasts a couple of days at most. At this time I have been out of control, burning with rage, and filled with pain. New moons always bring out the worst in me, yet the full moon is often filled with pre-menstrual depression. Maybe the quarter moons are best for me? when the powers are more equal, in balance.
Jeez, there we go again, balance, pisces, virgo... mother, career... single, settled.. man, woman? fighting extremes seems to be me destiny. I dont want to fight anymore, I want to be in control, honour and respect the way I am, rather than despise it.
Enough for now. More thoughts soon, including the fact I think this is now no longer a PMDD blog, more a journal of my shamanistic healing crises.
With my deepest thanks to Michele Bailey-Lessirard