I've been feeling like I did when I had SAD. Tired, lethargic, everything is an effort, even life itself.
Today, I went mental, had a breakdown.. whatever you wanna call it. For no particular reason, I got up, and snapped. Screaming and shouting, suicidal thoughts and words, fear and loathing of my life. Everything it has been, is and will be.
The doctor came. He was nice. I'm going back on anti-depressants and have some other meds to keep me calmer. I feel like life is easier when I'm slightly sedated, hence why I smoke pot, but then again, on the other hand, what sort of life have you got if to live it, you have to be sedated.
I have wished today, that the part of me that constantly dreams, hopes and aspires, would dissapear, shut up, be deactivated. All the dreaming hightlights how far my life is from where I would like it to be, and it just hurts, like torture. Shutting up the dreams means I might just HAVE to find a way to deal with the way things are.
What is a life without dreams? especially for a pisces.
I realised, when I logged on this evening, after sleeping the day away, that it is New Moon today. This is one of many 'episodes' that I have had at New Moon.
I clicked straight over to my favourite astrology journal, that spotlights the New Moons, and a few things jumped out at me.
Scorpio-react to the whack.
The urge to merge, Scorpio’s energy and The Way of the Shaman. We meet these Scorpio issues in all of our relationships, especially in love and fear. What part of me had to go to sleep to be in relationship with you? How do I react to the whack?
A lot of the issues I have are regarding relationships. I have 3 main troubled ones, My mother, my partner and my eldest daughter. All three push my buttons and cause a certain amount of distress in my head.
In Scorpio one tempers the creative fire of Leo. During the time when the Sun moves through Scorpio we get an opportunity to see what is out of whack [fall harvest], how we are merging but not getting fed creatively. This urge to merge comes to a head at the New Moon in Scorpio- you’ll see pretty quickly what needs attention, and what you need to let go of to move forward.
Letting go of the old way to move into the new is the gift of Scorpio’s transformation. The key word here is TRANSCENDANCE.
"We spend a tremendous amount of psychic energy looking for lost parts of ourselves. We do this unconsciously, and we do this in many different ways-generating dreams, experimenting with numerous spiritual paths, creating relationships that mirror back to us our missing parts...Whenever we experience a trauma, a part of our vital essence separates from us in order to survive the experience by escaping the full impact of the pain. If a part of our vital essence has fled, how can we bring it back? Trauma is controlled by the body. Talking about trauma does not resolve it. [In a healing session] can the person absorb the light from the returned soul essence into every cell of the body?"-Sandra Ingerman in her book Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self
Lost parts of myself. My inner child. The child that was left behind. The child that no-body wanted. My dad left me and my mum when I was 3. My mum got remarried when I was 11. I was a pain in the ass, a burden, a thing that needed love and attention, an only child. My mum left when I was 17. Moved to France, with my step-dad. I went through engagement, marriage, 2 pregnancies, divorce, homelessness, and suffering a mental illness and depression without her. Everyone else around me had to deal with my moods, my lows, my rage. Where was she? In my darkest moments, in the depths of the pain, all I wanted was my Mum, to make it all better like Mum's are supposed to. She never came.
My husband, who I was with when my mum left, after 9 years together, had an affair. I was 25, almost divorced and homeless. Now the little trust I had in men (my dad leaving was enough to put pay to me thinking much of men), had been destroyed.
I met my father, when I was 23. We started to build a relationship, and 3 years later, he moved to Spain with his girlfriend. Left again. I may have been 26, but the pain of him leaving again took me straight back to being a child.
They both showed me that I wasnt worth sacrificing anything for. They wanted their partners and thier lives, they didnt want me, a screaming baby, a moody, depressive teenager or even a woman who'd got through it and was doing ok.
I started cutting ties with my father, as trying to stay in touch was hard. I was constantly being dissapointed by him, and he is certainly not on the pedestal he once was. My Mum, returned from Europe almost a year ago. Her relationship had fallen apart (not my step-dad, he died a few years ago) and she said she was back for good and wanted a relationship with me. I've tried, but it recently became apparent that she still has no concept on how her actions have affected me. She just wants to forget it all and move on. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for me, and the pain of abandonment, and the feeling of not being good enough for you own mothers love is just too much to bear.
I am scared for my children. That I will mess up, that I am not good enough to bring up the two amazing souls I was blessed with looking after.
Scorpio’s energy demands transformation- this watery sign is ruled by both Mars, Pluto and some say Chiron. Where Scorpio sits in your chart you are called to shape shift by letting go and surrendering. Holding onto your pain and suffering, trying to remain in control or becoming controlling [usually related to a unconscious fear] is related to a lack of trust and thus creates more soul loss. Walk your talk.
Scorpio, is in 8th house, which is the house Scorpio rules. Not sure what that means.
Mars rules fiery Aries and watery Scorpio- fire does not like water. Reflect on that [fire and anger with water and emotions] for a moment. Mars, Pluto and Chiron brings the forth the ability to recognize and understand our pain, transform it and then create from it. Let me talk about creativity, power and shamanism from my perspective….
It was definately firey water today. Which again is quite apt, as I have just drawn up my next tattoo, and it has firey water, with two firey orange fish, with eyes on thier backs. No wonder the tattoo felt so right when I drew it up.
So at this New Moon in Scorpio how are you stuck? What emotion is still present -anger, sadness, guilt, fear?
How is your pain urging you to merge, yet you are not moving? This Scorpio New Moon will reveal a pattern, dredge up the past, so stay aware. Watch your dreams and what is showing up [omens] in your waking life. It may be related to the last time Saturn was in Virgo (1977-78).
I have to think about this more. My pain is urging me to move away from the past and the things that have constantly let me down. Move away from the dissapointments and the inevitable pain. The past has been dredged up. It started with an argument with my mother, and another mental health assessment last week that asked me to rake up everything all over again. It's been on my mind, bugging, niggling, working it's way in until today... Bang. I burst.
The last time Saturn was in Virgo was when I was born, I have never had this transit in my adult lifetime. I was 3 when it passed.. funnily enough, that was when my Dad left me.
I have so many desires. So many things I want to do with my life. Having kids is an eternal struggle of responsibilty and dreams that can never come true.
How can I find peace?
I'm tired. Thanks for reading.