Sunday, 30 September 2007

The Start

I wish it could be a positive one, but the fact is, untill the rage hits I'm lost and just too tired of my thoughts to do anything about them.
That was yesterday.

Today, My head is raging, I want to scream and fight and tell everyone what I think of them. All the pain I have ever faced, all the upsetting situations I've been in, all the dissapointment, all the doubt, all hit's me at once like a dam breaking.

First the angry thoughts trickle through... stupid stuff bout the washing up not being done, or belongings left lying about. Then it starts getting worse, and I start to question my life. Surely, if my life wasnt like this then I'd be ok???
Then it turns inwards, and the Dam breaks. I am washed away in all the sadness and anger, all the hurt and the rage. I find myself fighting against my own self. It's relentless.
The more anyone says, the worse it gets.

I hate my kids, I regret having them. I'm supposed to be thier everything, and every month, I am nothing. I hide away, I cant be in the same room as them. I stay behind and they go out.
I sit with myself and try to relieve the rampage in my head. I try to make thier lives good, and me staying away is the only way I can see to protect them.
At this time, I dream of packing my bags and leaving. Of getting on a train and finidng somewhere, alone, where I can do no damage to anyone but myself. No-one derserves to be on the recieving end when the PMDD hits.

At the moment, I dont work. It drives me insane. I feel like everything I can offer is being lost in time, worry, anxiety and low self confidence.

I look back to how confident I was before I had kids, and I just wish I could get that back. I sometimes see glimpses, like when your in a car and you see something interesting behind a fence. You know it's there, but you cant for the life of you get a decent look.

I'm down the pit again, at the bottom today. I may be half way up tomorrow, squinting at the sunlight and making tracks to get closer, or I may end up curling up and staying there a while.

My anger is at times too much to bear. Like the negative voice that sits on your shoulder, mine climbs in through my ear and invades my head. It's impossible to shake it out, it's a battle, every month.

Yet... at times, I feel my most strong and assertive. All the things I put up with all month, suddenly become unbearable, and I try to bring it up, try to express myself... then more often than not it goes wrong. I dont word it well, I raise my voice, or I just might break down in sobs.. The things that bothered me, earlier on that month, that were just a niggle, start unfolding themselves as more things to be upset about, more issues to have with people. Are they real? Or are they just a product of the PMDD? How can I be sure?

Then, the doubt sets in. Is this me? Is this just who I am?
Well.. it IS me... Until I get this monster completely under control, It will be 'me', every month.

On the upside, It's not this bad every month. I have 'good' months. Those I rate by how much damage has been caused. If I manage to get through it with minimum disruption, it's a 'good' month. If it wreks my life and upsets my family, if I cant be a part of the family, and stay at home, then it's a 'bad' month.

Today, this month's moon has been a bad one. I'm feeling very low, and alone.


Ruth said...

You've put my own thoughts into beautiful, scary words. It helps me to read them. Thank you.

Gatosqueak said...

Felt like this when my pmdd wasn't treated! .. and during my first/only pregnancy before I went back on medicated treatment. Hormones are awful!

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