Friday, 13 November 2009

All psyched up

I've had a day of just not feeling sure how I feel. Today was supposed to be the day I get my first Zoladex injection. I am menstrual, and have been crying at everything all week. I find it hard to talk sometimes, partly cos I cant get any words out and partly cos I'm fed up with hearing myself moan about things all the time.
There is so much in my head, that I just dont know where to start, so forgive me if this is rambly.

It's a big deal for me to be considering the Zoladex injection. Over the years I knew that a hysterectomy was an option to stop all my problems, but I never thought it would actually happen. The first step is the injection. I am angry that I couldn't 'pull myself together', that I couldn't meditate it better, that I couldn't get in control. I feel like I've failed. That someone is gonna say... Oh for god's sake Cat, it cant be that bad, there must be something.... And even now, that's what I keep thinking. Maybe I should try this drug... or that drug... There are a few I haven't tried Zoloft for example, but I have tried Prozac and Citalopram. I haven't tried Yaz, but after such an extreme and rapid reaction to birth control pills last time I took them, I have never wanted to take them again. If I tried all these things, it would be another few years of possible hell, testing them out, and I don't know if I can cope with that.

I met a Psychiatrist on monday. I have met others in the psyche team before, and have had several assessments. Their professional comments have ranged from 'I have no idea what you are suffering from' to 'I've never come across this before', and I've held out little hope over the years that they could help at all. Through my pregnancy I was assigned a CPN, which was probably the most helpful thing they've done. This time I spoke to the actual consultant. Something that only happened once before (when I was preggy). I find out that this guy knows all about my symptoms and has treated women similar to me before. He refers women to a specialist hospital in London. Inside I was furious. If I had only seen this man years ago. If only I had been referred to the right person, I may not be facing this now, I may not have gone through all the many years of shit that I have already. He said there was no point in a referral at this stage, as I was getting the last resort treatment from my GP and Gynae.

I have tried many things over the years, Birth control pill (many varieties), anti-depressants, two types, two strengths, intermittently, full time, numerous homeopathic remedies, nutrition, cycle diet, 5HTP, Tyrosine, alternative therapies. I have had my adrenals checked and my thyroid. I continue to exercise regularly, lead a less stressful life, and try to be kind to myself. I don't put too much pressure on, I've relaxed over so many things in my life, as extra sources of stress are just not needed. I have a Mirena coil, which is still quite a new thing, and it is helped with the physical problems of heavy bleeding and agonising cramps.

So, I'm all psyched up to get jabbed, and it turns out that my surgery doesn't have the treatment I need. We phoned 5 local chemists and no-one had it. Now I have to wait till Monday for the injection. My doctor was just as gutted as me, and I could see he felt really bad to let me down. At least the decision is made... I think! Now I have 2 more days to wait.

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