Saturday, 10 May 2014

April, May....sun or showers... what’s it gonna be today? by Sarah *Guest Blog*

Interestingly, as I sit and type this, I wonder how many other women have gone to write something only to turn away from their keyboards for fear of recrimination in doing so.  Perhaps fear that wearing their heart on their sleeves will open up a whole hornets’ nest.    Fear of being judged by people who know little about PMDD but say a lot.  Fear of bosses who may think you are not capable of “doing the job”....after all there is a recession.  Fear of friends turning their backs or treating you differently.   Or perhaps it’s the fear of the real truth of PMDD, it’s symptoms and consequences.      In my life too... fear has a lot to answer for.

The biggest fear for me is Anger itself as this is my worst symptom of PMDD.  However, as we ride through each month, living with PMDD is different.  Like the changing of the weather, some months, it’s mostly dry with sunshine and just a sprinkling of showers.  But on others, it’s thunder and rain every day.

When PMDD really strikes me hard it’s bad.  A few days prior to it striking I am given a few warning ripples...I start by experiencing  memory loss.  I lack togetherness; my tolerance is lessened and I start to want to back off from the outside world (this is very hard with two children).   After 2 or 3 days of this behaviour IT Starts, it’s here.  Watch out; hide; take cover.     It’s like someone has injected me with a lethal dose of anger inducing drugs.  It’s like your worst nightmare because it is so so hard to control.  It takes over.  You feel bound.  You fight with all your might but it surges forth and it ALWAYS wins and since there is no cure, the only way forward is to ride the wave on a near hourly basis until calm restores itself, until the devil within quietens. 1 day, 3 days, 7 – who knows.   But the devil does go. 
The “you” does come back and I do my utter best to put right what my laser cut tongue has done wrong.
The problem with any mental dis..ease is, people don’t know what to say, how to react, how to help.   They can’t see the physical or mental symptoms from afar.  There are those that are your true friends and they are great.  They listen which is sometimes all you need.   Then there are those that think it’s all made up and we are just using it as an excuse to be angry or to get angry.  I wish I could lend my PMDD out sometimes..like a skin that can be worn, just for a few days to let others experience what it’s like.  But, unlike wearing a new warm coat, this outfit I’m afraid won’t make you feel so good. 
Funny that when I am out of my PMDD time zone, I feel strong, positive that it will be all alright.  I love life.  I love the birds and the trees and snuggling up with my husband and games with my children.     I love hearing their laughter.   But when I am in the midst of this ravaging thunderous storm each and every month, I could quite happily be led out to sea.  What brings me back I am not sure.  But, whatever it is I am merciful.

Next month I will touch on the subject of nutrition and heart coherence but until then, to all those that suffer, I am here with you and for you.  To all those on-lookers, I wish you sunshine and love in your soul.      Have a heart to ask, to care.

by Sarah UK.

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