Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Going downhill

My head has been all over the place with the pmdd, finance worries, and just generally trying to keep up with life itself.

I've spent the past few days feeling crappy, but making every effort to be positive, up and forward thinking. Trying to keep the good stuff in my head, trying to make things to aim for and achieve. Even after a reasonable nights sleep, I have woken today angry, angry at everything, feeling like everything thats been keeping me going for the past few days , is a pile of shite and will never happen. I feel like giving up again, but if i do, if i let go or lose what control i have over my mood, i will drop down into the pit again and dissapoint everyone again.

I want to work, i want to study, i want to contribute to the family, i want to be able to cope with the housework like normal people, I want little things to stay little things and for my brain not to create scenarios 100 times worse everytime. I want a rest, I want things to just be stable for more than a few days.

I feel disabled. I feel unable to live a normal life, I feel like just getting through each moon is an achievement that nobody else realises is an achievement. All other people see is someone who hibernates, avoids things, comes out once in a while, sometimes happy and bouncy, sometimes, so low it's . How can i expect friends and family to still love me? How can i expect them to put up with it? How can i help support my own family when I can barely keep my head together?

I was up at 7.30 to get the kids ready to walk. I ranted at rhiannon, my mind whirling and beating me up. By the time i was walking back tears are rolling down my face and i'm trying to wipe them away while pushing a buggy and shield my face from all the mums bogging out of thier car windows.

I was ok yesterday, i felt ok, not great but ok. Now today, bam... it's all gone.

I'm fed up with the rollercoaster and i just wanna jump off...

I'm just so tired of the frustration today. I feel like I should be living on my own, away from the people who get hurt and dont understand.

I feel like it's two steps forward them wipe out, every month. There's no consistency in anything, every month, every day, unpredictable. HOW the hell do I plan? HOW the hell do I get a job and keep it? How, when we are skinter than beggers on skint street do I cope with my illness and the fact it means that I am useless. The real thing we need is money, is me to work like other mums, but I cant do it.

I've been grabbing at anything for weeks... idea after idea of how to make cash, get myself better, study, do something constructive. Thats what everyone expects of me, and I feel the pressure everyday to fullfil it.

I aspire to jobs that I have seen, thinking of how, 'well ' could cope, thrive and succeed in the job, but then, it's the moods, the organising, the forgetfulness, the need for solitude... if it just stopped... if it just let me be then i could be successful, i could provide for my kids and support my man, but as it is, I'm not far off useless, apart from being able to cook meals out of next to nothing.

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