April, May....sun or showers... what’s it gonna be today? by Sarah *Guest Blog*

Interestingly, as I sit and type this, I wonder how many other women have gone to write something only to turn away from their keyboards for fear of recrimination in doing so.  Perhaps fear that wearing their heart on their sleeves will open up a whole hornets’ nest.    Fear of being judged by people who know little about PMDD but say a lot.  Fear of bosses who may think you are not capable of “doing the job”....after all there is a recession.  Fear of friends turning their backs or treating you differently.   Or perhaps it’s the fear of the real truth of PMDD, it’s symptoms and consequences.      In my life too... fear has a lot to answer for.

The biggest fear for me is Anger itself as this is my worst symptom of PMDD.  However, as we ride through each month, living with PMDD is different.  Like the changing of the weather, some months, it’s mostly dry with sunshine and just a sprinkling of showers.  But on others, it’s thunder and rain every day.

When PMDD really strikes me hard it’s bad.  A few days prior to it striking I am given a few warning ripples...I start by experiencing  memory loss.  I lack togetherness; my tolerance is lessened and I start to want to back off from the outside world (this is very hard with two children).   After 2 or 3 days of this behaviour IT Starts, it’s here.  Watch out; hide; take cover.     It’s like someone has injected me with a lethal dose of anger inducing drugs.  It’s like your worst nightmare because it is so so hard to control.  It takes over.  You feel bound.  You fight with all your might but it surges forth and it ALWAYS wins and since there is no cure, the only way forward is to ride the wave on a near hourly basis until calm restores itself, until the devil within quietens. 1 day, 3 days, 7 – who knows.   But the devil does go. 
The “you” does come back and I do my utter best to put right what my laser cut tongue has done wrong.

The problem with any mental dis..ease is, people don’t know what to say, how to react, how to help.   They can’t see the physical or mental symptoms from afar.  There are those that are your true friends and they are great.  They listen which is sometimes all you need.   Then there are those that think it’s all made up and we are just using it as an excuse to be angry or to get angry.  I wish I could lend my PMDD out sometimes..like a skin that can be worn, just for a few days to let others experience what it’s like.  But, unlike wearing a new warm coat, this outfit I’m afraid won’t make you feel so good. 

Funny that when I am out of my PMDD time zone, I feel strong, positive that it will be all alright.  I love life.  I love the birds and the trees and snuggling up with my husband and games with my children.     I love hearing their laughter.   But when I am in the midst of this ravaging thunderous storm each and every month, I could quite happily be led out to sea.  What brings me back I am not sure.  But, whatever it is I am merciful.

Next month I will touch on the subject of nutrition and heart coherence but until then, to all those that suffer, I am here with you and for you.  To all those on-lookers, I wish you sunshine and love in your soul.      Have a heart to ask, to care.

by Sarah UK.

My PMDD by Liz *Guest Blog*

My first experience of periods was a mild 'shock': what is happening to me?

As a teenager, I remember having to leave class sometimes because of the cramps, dizziness, migraine. I also remember feeling very tearful, and much more sensitive to rejection around certain times of the month.

At university I had boyfriends, and they commented that 'I definitely got PMS!'.  I can remember staying in my bedroom crying all evening on occasions, while my bemused boyfriend sat in the living room watching TV. After I finished my degree, I was on a progestogen-only pill at the time, I started charting my symptoms and self-diagnosed myself with PMS.

I started my first job and I was ok for another year or so, until I had another relationship and took a progestogen-only pill again. This one made me drowsy and depressed, and I lost my libido. My ex-boyfriend and I argued a lot when I had PMS. He didn't understand it made me dopey/scatty, and so got annoyed when things went wrong which weren't my fault, just misunderstandings on my part because i wasn't really 'with it'! After I came off that pill, my moods were worse again. I started developing 'monthly' depression and lots of other symptoms, including hot flashes during my period.

So I started seeing GP's and gynecologists, trying to get some help for the moods. A long road, since none of them seemed to understand that PMS could be that much of a problem, or would admit to me that contraceptive pills had side-effects! Because they didn't listen to me, it felt like a constant battle, not what you need when you feel low anyway! Sometimes you do really have to fight to get what you want, especially with poorly recognised conditions like PMDD. It is worth spending time looking for a sympathetic doctor though.

My main symptoms are anger, depression, fatigue, migraines, feeling overwhelmed, or uncomfortable & restless and unable to concentrate on anything. On top of all that, I feel quite lonely when I have PMS. It's hard to explain to people that you are feeling 'crap' because periods are a taboo subject, especially with most men. People think you are weird if you talk about your hormones, or call you a hypochondriac. So you feel shit but aren't allowed to talk about it with out risking a negative reaction. People are a stress-trigger, and so I am more wary of social situations when in PMDD phase, and so it's easier to distance yourself. But during my period is also when I feel most needy, I guess i want to be looked after and have the pain 'taken away'. I also crave affection more. So I feel torn between wanting to be around people but also feeling unsociable and ill.

In the past, PMDD has made relationships more difficult because of the mood swings, but I've been more depressed when I've been alone. A therapist said any illness can put you more in touch with subconscious feelings, and that the psychological defenses come down. So perhaps what I am feeling, isn't completely irrational or pointless. Even my mum said that PMS may make you 'overreact' but the trigger is still real. In the past i've spent too much time feeling guilty and apologising for my moods, when sometimes they may have been caused by other people's behaviour. I've blamed too much on my hormones (and therefore myself).

The reptilian/primitive part of the brain controls our basic emotions (love, hate, fear, lust). In experiments where people have to make a decision on a computer simulator and have had a brain scan at the same time, the unconscious parts of the brain make the decision, and the 'conscious/thinking part' of the brain lights up afterwards, giving us the illusion that it has made the decision. I think it's the same when you feel depressed, the 'thinking part' of your brain is looking for reasons for your bad mood. This may be why you blame people around you, or self-blame (depression). I don't think it's true for me that negative thoughts cause depression, negative thoughts may come from trying to rationalise my mood. Many illness's and drugs can cause 'biological' depression.

I was lucky to see Dr Panay,  to receive HRT treatment for PMDD, which hasn't cured my moods completely but I don't suffer from the suicidal lows that I used to. Although I took this in conjunction with seeing a psychotherapist and swimming regularly, which may have helped too. I used to think "why see a shrink for something biological?" But if you can afford it, it does help having someone to talk to. And the mind and body are not separate entities, they are linked.

Bad relationships, work stress and contraceptive pills have always made PMDD worse for me. And I've worked hard recently to rid my life of stressful people and to have more control over my life. The same with men. On the whole I feel positive and happy at the moment but the oestrogen implant will wear out of my system in 6 months time, so we will see. I stopped HRT treatment because I became intolerant to progesterone. I have already noticed my concentration dropping at work.

Given hormones aggravate other illness's and psychiatric disorders, it could be that PMDD just intensifies existing problems. Or it could be biological, or caused by lifestyle (not enough sunlight/diet/the contraceptive pill?). Perhaps it has many causes. Whatever the cause, it's extremely distressing and prevents some women from fully living their life. And it would be great if they did more research into it, especially as hormones play such a big part in our personality and behaviour.

Liz, UK.

Lindsay's Story *Guest Blog*

I was diagnosed with PMDD just over a year ago. Over the years, my periods worsened and so did the PMT. I started my periods when I was 9, which of course is ridiculously young. My Mum was an early starter too, so it was inevitable that I would be.

When I was 24, I noticed that something wasn't quite right. I was snappy and took offence at the slightest little thing. My bosses would have a go at me over my attitude, and all I could do was say sorry.

When I came home from working abroad, I saw the nurse as I had lost a tremendous amount of weight, and they were concerned about me. As it turned out, physically I was very well indeed, and I commented to the nurse that I felt there was something seriously wrong. She didn't listen, and instead made me feel like a silly little girl and that it was all in my head.

I told my Mum my concerns and whilst she could sympathise, there was little she could do. Having suffered depression in the past, I can recognise signs of depression, but, this was something that I could not comprehend.

Over the years, I went from being weepy (you know like when you cry because there are no cheese and onion crisps in the cupboard!) to becoming nasty and violent. When I was ovulating and three days before my period, I became a monster. I distinctly remember it was the Queens Diamond Jubilee, and I was watching it on tv crying my eyes out and being very angry.

I took two diazepam to calm me down (which I was actually given for symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome believe it or not) alas, they didn't help, and made me so spaced out I couldn't talk or walk.

Another time I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone whilst he was at work. I was sat at the top of the stairs telling him I wanted to kill myself and crying so hard I was retching. My boyfriend stayed with me and managed to calm me down, but, it took a long time.

There have been more occasions of this nature, however, I am sure you can see the pattern emerging. Most recently, my boyfriend has had to restrain me so I wouldn't pick the knife up that I was trying to grab, as I was so utterly in despair that I wanted to end it all.

When I turned 27, things were only getting worse. I was alienating my family and my poor boyfriend didn't have a clue what version of Lindsay he was going to encounter when he saw me. As you can see from the picture, I am a generally happy person, but this thing was robbing me of my life and my relationship.

In a last ditch attempt to get some help, I went to see my GP. He was brilliant, and recognised that I did indeed need help. He prescribed Citalopram to be taken from day 15 to day 28, as a trial to see if this helped and immediately diagnosed PMDD. I realise that not all GP's are as helpful as mine is, however, if you are know something is wrong, please tell them. 

I have been on these tablets for approximately eight months now and, there is a difference. I do still have bad days, but, it does seem to be getting better. I suppose the purpose of me telling you this story, is, I don't want anyone to feel the way I did.

There is help out there, and PMDD is recognized as an illness, and not just something to be brushed aside, and dismissed as PMT. Please don't feel like you have anything to be ashamed of, you don't. I refuse to let this ruin my life and my relationship, and I really hope my story brings comfort and more importantly help.

Lindsay, UK x

If you would like to share your story, please contact Cat.

Mood Charts and Tracking Symptoms

(The following has been revised and updated from my original mood charts post)

What do you do if you think you have PMDD?  What if you've spotted the symptoms and a pattern, but your doctor doesn't know about PMDD or has never mentioned it?

The only way to convince anyone you are suffering from cyclical symptoms is by filling in a mood chart.

I say convince, as a lot of the time, the fear is that no one is going to believe you.  If you have suffered for many years, and no medical professional has ever asked you if there is a pattern, then how do YOU know better than your doctor?  Well, you DO know better than your doctor when it comes to symptoms, but short of your doctore living with your for a month, you have to be able to prove what is going on.  If you see a pattern forming, then all you have to do is get a mood chart filled out over 3 months, so you can SHOW your GP how it comes and goes.

By noting your symptoms and severity, along with your menstrual cycle, it is easier to see patterns forming and for doctors to diagnose PMDD.  No one can deny a set of painstakingly filled in mood charts that over 3 months, show a definite connnection to your menstrual cycle.

You have to be strict with yourself and make sure you do this EVERYDAY, or at the very least the morning after, trying to be as accurate about how you felt as possible.  Make notes of the boxes don't explain it well enough, or keep an 'emotions' diary and actually write small notes about your day.  That way you can often find and connect any outside influence triggers that increase the PMDD symptoms.

 There are many free resources online, including printable mood charts. Printable worked for me as I filled it in in the evening and could keep it safe, or up on the kitchen cupboard door to remind me. It also means you automatically have something to show your doctor.

I used the chart in the book by Diana Dell - The PMDD Phenomenom, as it gave me the option to fill in how bad things were too (by colouring 1, 2 or 3 boxes), so rather than just a yes or no, I could monitor slightly off moods to more intense, severe moods.  This book was the first book I read about PMDD.  I think it is out of print, but you may be able to find a second hand copy).  It's a good book, although may be a little dated now.  Having said that, little has changed since it was published.

Dont be put off by charts that are called Bi-polar or depression mood charts. It's not the name that matters, but the information you track. Just find a chart that works for you.

You may want to try an online/interactive mood charts. Some require membership, but some are free. If you are at the computer a lot, then this might be a better way for you to record you moods each day. Obviously this means making sure you can print everything out to take to the doctors, and that you will always have access to a computer to keep it updated. I can't stress the importance of filling everything in EVERYDAY for at least 3 months. It's the best way for an outsider to know whats been going on up in there, and help you to diagnose your condition.

There is a very modern way of tracking your moods, if you happen to be the proud owner of an iPhone or Smartphone! Just search the app store for 'mood tracker', 'iPeriod' or 'period tracker' and take your pick! I have used Period Tracker (paid version), and it's very simple to use. It's hard to find a tracker that does all the things you want, but it worked pretty good for me. I now have an android phone and am using Womanlog Pro, but there are many others, such as Ovuview, Pink Pad and My period and Ovulation. Most have free downloads, I advise you trial the free version before you pay for one, just to make sure it works for you.

As a side note, my husband downloaded an app called The PMS Alert  I tell him my first day of my period and he taps it into his phone.  He now gets a phone alert when I am entering into my pre menstrual phase, and it's pretty accurate.  It gives him a heads up without me having to say anything.  What I really need now is for one that alerts him to ovulation time, as that can be a challenging time for me to, but all in all, the The PMS Alert app has really helped.

With so many options, we are spoilt for choice! There is definately no excuse NOT to be tracking your moods and symptoms.... so, Get tracking!  I have included a few links, but there are many many more out there.  I hope to include a printable chart from this site in the near future.

Printable

PMS Symptom Tracker

PMS Relief Mood Chart

Online

MedHelp Mood Tracker - Free

Mood Tracker - Free

NAPS Interactive Mood Chart - Free, membership required.

My Monthly Cycles - Paid subscription for good resources, Limited free account.

PMDD Symptom List

PMDD Symptom list - Diagnosis criteria

To be diagnosed with PMDD , a woman must suffer from at least four of the following 11 symptoms:

• markedly depressed mood
• marked anxiety or tension
• persistent irritability or anger
• difficulty in concentrating
• decreased interest in usual activities
• noticeable lack of energy
• marked change in appetite
• insomnia or hypersomnia
• sense of being overwhelmed or out of control
• sudden sadness or depression
• physical symptoms such as joint pains, headaches, breast tenderness or "bloating."

The symptoms must occur a week before a menstrual cycle begins and disappear a few days after the menstrual cycle starts. The symptoms must recur in at least two consecutive menstrual cycles and must also "markedly interfere" with work, basic functioning or social relationships.

(Information from NAPS)

These are the most common PMS symptoms featured on the NHS website.  Women with PMDD often suffer from more than one of the following on top of the PMDD symptoms.

Physical PMS symptoms

• fluid retention and feeling bloated
• pain and discomfort in your abdomen (tummy)
• headaches 
• changes to your skin and hair
• backache
• muscle and joint pain
• breast tenderness
• insomnia (trouble sleeping)
• dizziness
• tiredness
• nausea
• weight gain (up to 1kg)

Psychological PMS symptoms

• mood swings
• feeling upset or emotional
• feeling irritable or angry
• depressed mood
• crying and tearfulness
• anxiety 
• difficulty concentrating
• confusion and forgetfulness
• restlessness
• decreased self-esteem

Behavioural PMS symptoms

• loss of libido (loss of interest in sex)
• appetite changes or food cravings

Any chronic (long-term) illnesses, such as asthma or migraine, may get worse.  This is called Pre Menstrual Exacerbation, PME.

As depression is a common symptom of PMDD, it is possible that a woman with PMDD may have thoughts about suicide.

PMDD can be particularly difficult to deal with because it can have a negative effect on your daily life and relationships. See your GP if you are experiencing severe symptoms.

Read more about treating PMS and PMDD (link takes you to NHS website).

PMDDAUK Closing

It is with sadness that I have to tell you that the PMDD Awareness UK website will be closing.  Other commitments and developments in my life means I can no longer maintain this website along with my other projects.

All donated stories will be re-published here over the coming weeks.  Thank you to everyone who helped, shared stories and supported this venture.  Hopefully we will see change for PMDD sufferers in the future.

I will continue to accept stories and publish them here, so feel free to get in touch if you'd like to share something via this blog.

If there is anything good about having to close down the site it's that I no longer suffer in the same way as I used to.  I have got my life back.  I am not cured or mood free, but I am persuing goals I never thought would happen, I am enjoying life, and more often happy than not.

I hope this can at least give others hope that life isn't over if you have PMDD.  Things change and no matter how awful things are, it's always worth the fight to keep going.

Thank you again to all who have supported me and PMDDAUK.  It may not have worked out, or lasted very long, but I tried.  Life changes, things move on, and all we can do is move with it.

With lots of love

Cat

To keep up with all my new projects, please visit my art website, www.chaoticat.com or Artist Facebook Page. xx

How do you feel about being a woman?

Guest blogger Emma shares with us some thoughts about the bigger picture of PMDD.  First published in one of my support groups.. we all thought it too good not to share!

The fact is, I hate being a woman, always have, might always will. I hate it so much that for a brief moment years ago, I even contemplated turning into a man. I wished I had been born a man, because they have it so bloody easy, and I almost resent them for just being men and having it so easy. Women have so much to put up with in their lives, so much shit to have to go through. Not only do men have it easy, but they don't realise how easy they have it....I find that annoying too. 

I actually get quite envious of my husband because he has been able to live his life without any bother in the world. Everyday floats into the next. He can complete his projects, because he has mentally got the stamina and the motivation to do it. He puts his head on the pillow, and within seconds he is snoring, without a care in the world. Where as, as soon as I think I'm getting somewhere in life, (in my 2 weeks of feeling well) even if it's just getting into a routine with housework, or being able to get up in the morning feeling happy and joyful, something soon comes back and tells me I can't do it, and stops me from wanting to, and stops me from being able to. I have had a lifetime of feeling depressed, with tiny bits of happiness and glimpses of what life could be like if I was free to feel joy constantly, like my husband can.

Women throughout the ages have had it so hard. It has been a constant battle from the word dot (...or so it seems. It would be interesting to see at what point it was in our ancient past when being a women became in issue). Women have always been the ones who never had any rights, who were always disgraced if they stepped out of line. Who were, and still are, taken advantage of. Women have always been nothing more than objects for men to own. If a women fell pregnant out of wedlock, or had an affair whilst married and subsequently gave birth to a bastard child, society (mainly men) punished her, and she would live for ever more in disgrace. Often sent to the workhouses, and made to wear Black and Yellow striped uniform to warn everyone of their disgraceful behaviour, and having their children taken off them because they are classed as not being good enough to care for their children anymore due to their disgraceful behaviour.

Yet it is perfectly acceptable for men to have affairs, to 'spread their seed', to have their cake and eat it, and in some countries, have several wives!!! Why can't women be like that? Why can't women have several husbands? Men are classed as being a bit of a stud when he sleeps around. Yet women are labelled as whores. Why do we have to be the whores? Why do we have to have the crap end of the deal with everything?

Women were institutionalized in the olden days, because they were labelled insane, when really all that was wrong was a bit of PMT, or serious hormonal issues. Women's issues have always been a taboo, and women are looked down upon as the weaker sex. Menstruation is classed as dirty, and is seen as a 'problem', even an illness. 

Women were burnt at stakes, Drowned in the rivers, and hanged because they were supposedly witches.....Lordy knows, I would have been burnt a long time ago if these present days were anything like the past.
Even today, women are stoned to death because she is not allowed to have any feelings, or any rights for herself. She is still owned in some cultures, and women are still being sold as we speak, like objects. Families choosing who and when their daughters should marry. In some countries, as soon as a girl starts her periods, she is sold to a pedophile to get married. Girls even younger, 7 years old for god sake, are being sold for marriage to these sick bastards. Women are used and abused, because men think they can, and because they think they have a god given right to do as they please. 

But when anything comes down to blame, it's almost always the woman that takes it all, it's almost always the woman that looks bad. She is the one that has sinned, and not the man.

All the pain we have to go through, all the physical changes we have to put up with for the majority of our lives, the pain of child birth, the ever lasting damage it causes our bodies. And then there's all the household chores, and the fact that the woman has duties, to her husband, and her children.The physical abuse, the mental abuse, making the woman feel vulnerable and powerless.

My husband is amazing, and doesn't expect anything from me. But that's because he's my equal, and I just think I am lucky. Although I have had an idiot for a partner in my past, and I was lucky enough to see sense and get out while I could. Not before he created some damage though one way or another. I know so many men out there too who are complete twats to their wives, or girlfriends, because they believe that the woman's place is in the home, doing all their duties. 

I just wonder whether any of these issues affect other women, or is it just me? 
.....If we dislike being women, for what ever reason, then maybe we are unconsciously rejecting the natural changes that being a woman is all about....do you see what I mean?

I was told by someone last year that I will be coming into 'my power', but I never quite understood what was meant. I think I understand now. The power that was meant is the feminine power that we all hold within ourselves. The stuff we are made of, but which has been suppressed by men. If you think about it, with almost every species in the world, it is always the females that lead. She dominates the males to get what she wants. Ants, for example, get their wings in order to find a queen to mate with her. But as soon as he has mated, he dies, because he is no longer needed. The rest of the males are workers for the queen. You don't ever find a 'King Bee', only Queens, because she is the one with the greater strength to lead and carry on. 
We also have the strength to lead, and be great. We are built strong, so we can carry our babies and love them unconditionally. We have the strength to face the pain we endure during birth. I think we're all pretty much in agreement that men wouldn't stand a chance. They say that birth is the closest point to death a women will ever be (without dying of course), so we are built physically and mentally strong enough to be more than capable to do it over and over again. We have the power, but it has been suppressed for centuries. But now it's time to take it back.

I think I need to take back my power now. I did have a taste of it last year, and my Yoga helped a lot. I just need to believe in myself, and know that the power exists within me.

by Emma PF