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Happy Full Moon!

♥ ♥ ♥

Change something

Day 11. I actually had to check my tracker as I cannot remember a time before when things have been so smooth, I really didn't know what day I was on. I'm not sure what's different, but I feel different... Life is changing, so maybe the knock on is less symptoms? and I mean good change, positive change... I'm trying to find the words to help describe what's happened over this past cycle and a half... No negative symptoms, no crashes, or depression... been feeling pretty stable... and that is AMAZING!

Change something.  We end up repeating the same patterns because we become wired with REactions to things that happen in our lives.  This is the same with illness and dis-ease.  It IS possible to manage symptoms, to feel better, but you gotta change something.  You may have lots of ideas in your head that sound and feel like they would be good for you, why not make a promise to yourself to try one. 

Change ONE thing...  For me, this month, I started an online Astrology course.  2 hours every Monday morning.  It's given me something to get up for on a Monday.  It's a good start to the week.  It's made me organise and attempt other things in my life, stuff I may have been too scared to try.  By adding one structure into my life, it's having a knock on effect to other things.  I have wanted to do some formal study in Astrology all my life, and it feels good to finally be doing it.  WHY did I wait so long!

Go deep within.  You KNOW what's best for you.  If you are being called to change your job, find a job, write, draw, go to college or start a course the DO IT!  You may think of a thousand reasons why you can't or shouldn't, but ignore all that.  If it feels like the right path then take it.  Find a way.  If it IS the right path, it will happen, it will flow and it will feel easy.

Don't let PMDD stand in your way.  Almost every woman I have ever spoken too is smart, intelligent and strong.  They just need to realise it.  They just need to be brave and start to mold their lives around them, find their own way.  We are unique women, it just takes time to figure out how to be unique in a world that likes regularity and conformity.

xx ♥

 

Charity T Shirts

A little project I have started to keep me busy and focused!  I would really appreciate it if you could go and check out my shop.  With Christmas coming you just might find something unique for that special someone.  Every product sold raises money for animal charities, and buys me a fancy coffee!

Brand new for Yule 2012. http://chaoticatcreations.spreadshirt.co.uk/

Animal Spirit and Mandala T Shirts, available in a range of colours and sizes for men and women.
£2 from every animal spirit design will go to a respective charity.

'Azkonar' Badger Spirit Mandala (donations to Badger Trust)

 'Melissa' Bee Goddess Spirit Mandala (donations to British Beekeepers Association) and Wolf Woman Spirit Mandala (donations to Wolf Watch UK).

http://chaoticatcreations.spreadshirt.co.uk/

FREE SHIPPING (in EU) when you buy 2 or more products.

ONLY UNTIL 27th November 2012. 

Voucher Code: XMAS2U

http://chaoticatcreations.spreadshirt.co.uk/

HAPPY SHOPPING!

The Power in Sharing

I wrote this earlier... inspired by the following quote that came up in my news feed.  Although this is a blog and not a group, it still applies... and I felt like sharing.

"The truth is, in order to heal we need to tell our stories and have them witnessed...The story itself becomes a vessel that holds us up, that sustains, that allows us to order our jumbled experiences into meaning.
As I told my stories of fear, awakening, struggle, and transformation and had them received, heard, and validated by other women, I found healing.
I also needed to hear other women's stories in order to see and embrace my own. Sometimes another woman's story becomes a mirror that shows me a self I haven't seen before. When I listen to her tell it, her experience quickens and clarifies my own. Her questions rouse mine. Her conflicts illumine my conflicts. Her resolutions call forth my hope. Her strengths summon my strengths. All of this can happen even when our stories and our lives are very different."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Dance of the Dissident Daughter: A Woman's Journey from Christian Tradition to the Sacred Feminine)

THIS is what my groups are all about. We may have come together through PMDD, in the same way as new mum's get together with their babies, or people with mutual interests or hobbies, but essentially, we have created our own sisterhood. We share our own stories and truths, we grow and learn from each other. We find similar traits and quirks, we learn how similar, and at the same time, how different we all are. We come together and a kind of magic happens. We start to heal. We start to take our lives into our hands and deal with the things that don't serve us, learn what we like or don't like. We learn what might be holding us back, by listening to the words of someone else's story and identifying with them. We connect, we feel, we support.

Through sharing we become stronger. We become more ourselves, because we have a space to be ourselves in. Cherish it. Many women out there don't have this. A place to talk, freely, with lots of other women. What a wonder the internet is to be able to provide this space! The group is your witness.  

We've come together sharing a darkness. We are women who know the shadow. We know what it feels like to fear, to hate, to feel pain, mental and physical. We have found each other in the dark. I merely lit a candle and waited for you all to arrive.

There is such strength amongst us. If only each of us could see and know how strong we already are.

I had a comment from a man in the past, telling me how my groups had made his girlfriend worse. Worse I wonder? Worse for who?

When women come together and share and talk.. even over the internet, things can start changing. Women might realise they are unhappy with their job for example, or that that particular friendship is really not helping them to heal or grow. They might realise their abusive partner is actually out of line and decide to leave them. I know we talk a lot about PMDD, but we also talk a lot about life and our situations. When you start realising your truth, when you start making your own choices, life around you changes and that might not meet with other people's approval, it might make you seem different to real life friends or family. In turn you may meet with resistance. This is when you call on the collective. This is when you draw on the strength, the knowledge and the love of your sisters.

Keep going. PMDD is challenging, but there is so much to be gained. Whatever you feel you need to do, to make life easier, better, change, go with it. We know ourselves better than anyone else.

Use what you learn here. Share what you know. Know that you are loved and accepted here for ALL you are.

♥

Using Valerian at ovulation.

A more alternative and spiritual view of my PMDD and menstrual cycle can be found over on my Natural Shaman blog.

Today's post is about Valerian and it's magical properties.  I've been using valerian tea recently, during the day as an anti-anxiety/calming tea, rather than to sleep, but I have also found out some interesting correspondences and folk lore about the herb.

Click here to read my post about Valerian Magic - http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/valerian-magic.html

Thank you...

To all of you who have contacted me and sent such lovely messages...

Thank you!

I'm doing ok.  Day 16 is here and I've had around 10 days of reasonable stable mood.  I could feel the changes for ovulation start a few days ago, with the mild pain, leading to a big heavy feeling in my womb today.  My head however has managed to stay on track, until today.

Today, the heaviness, the feeling in my womb that makes me so aware of the changes has been trying to divert my thoughts too.  I distracted myself with a film, but it was so hard to just pay attention to the film and not listen to my mind telling me I should be doing other things, or that everything I've been thinking of recently is all bullshit.  I know it's not, I know that I've been feeling good, positive about new choices I might make.  I had been feeling excited and content.

Today has been lazy.  Tomorrow will be busier.  I'm starting a course in Astrology and am really looking forward to it.  I'm hoping it will kick start my usual rubbish Monday mornings and give me a better mindset for the rest of the week.

Thanks again for all the words of encouragement and kindness.

I'm still here! and will try and write again soon xx

Losing the fight.

I haven't written like this in a long time.  Right now, I have no other options.

I have fallen down the slippery slope.  Lost hold of the rope.  Tripped into the chasm that is my sorry life.  I am low.  Really fucking low.  For the past 3 cycles I have battled the suicidal thoughts.  I've hid from them, I've talked myself down, now on day 6 of my cycle, I still feel the same.  Nothing has lifted.

Now it seems the depression is really taking root.  October.  Almost November.  There is NOTHING good about the UK in November.  The crisis team seem to be completely incapable of their jobs.  As do the community mental health team.  You know, it's impossible to raise a complaint, or point our their mistakes with the CMHT.  You are the crazy one after all.  One word out of line and it's 'if you raise your voice again I WILL hang up'.  What part of I'M SUICIDAL AND NEED HELP AND ONE OF YOUR WORKERS HAS NOT DONE HIS JOB SINCE THE LAST TIME I WAS FUCKING SUICIDAL AND NEEDED HELP.  No, I did not swear at her, I surely would have had the phone slammed down on me, but the snooty bitch needs to get a job in a hotel, not a mental health department.

I'm done in.  Beat.  Lost.  Alone.  Sick.  There is no hope anywhere I turn.  After an incident in my support group a few weeks back, I found it hard to return.  It knocked me for six.  In plain writing I saw how others spoke about me.  I saw what they thought of ME.  Don't take it personally.. (one of the four agreements I remind myself), but to be honest, I have wanted to give up updating this blog, close all the groups and walk away, go back to going through my PMDD journey alone.  I tried to come back from it, focus on PMS week and churn out a load of images, create a new page for my new idea, but it was like a cheap sticking plaster, that didn't really cover the wound.

It made me question why I am trying to fight for others, look after others, speak out for others. 

I've got my own STUFF to deal with.  Trying to focus my energies on raising awareness, writing blogs, creating posters is all well and good, when it feels like there is something to fight for, but at the moment, the fight has gone.  My life feels worthless.  I'm actually beginning to think that it's truly is impossible for me to be happy.  I should go get a job cleaning toilets and forget about my life getting any better.  All this is far from just being a PMDD episode.  I have some really difficult issues, painful things, life stuff, and it's all coming up now.

I think people think I am causing all this, bringing it on myself because I won't take meds.  IF the meds they were offering had been tried and tested on PMDD, IF I had proper monitoring and care when taking them, IF I had proper support, then I might consider it, but I don't.  My family is already stretched to breaking point with me, the drugs they offer are for other illnesses, and I know, that I just don't want to go down that experimental route again.

I've deleted a ton of friends and family off my Facebook.  I want to just hit, deactivate account, and disappear. Forget about all this.  I've been tempted a few times to delete this blog... to step right back, hide, fade away and focus on something else.  I'm still undecided.  I'm on shut down, self destruct...

The trust has gone.  I am living scared.  I cannot relax.  I hate myself so much I am literally disgusted.  If this cloud lifts, I will then just feel ridiculous that I was ever in this place, but the truth is, it won't last long enough to achieve anything.  It will be a matter of days before I am here again.  It just doesn't seem worth fighting for.

So, I can't tell you the future of this blog, or my groups and pages on Facebook.  I'm staying away from it all at the moment.  Maybe I will find the drive/need/passion to continue, or maybe I will decide that it's time to forget about PMDD and trying to make a difference and walk away from it all. 

All I know now, is that I don't trust anyone.  I can't let anyone in and I just wish I could delete everything I've ever put online and effectively die in cyberspace.  Who the fuck am I anyway?

No one. 

I'm losing the fight.  Losing the will.  I just don't want to go on anymore.  I try and tell people that a life with PMDD IS worth living, that you have to have hope, keep on keeping on, but if I said that now, I would be lying cos I don't see how there is a life to be had with PMDD.