Positive or Negative?

There has been some chat in the support group recently about positivity and negativity.  Support groups (and I mean any, not just mine) can be negative places and I mean negative in that most of what is discussed originates from a post that may be very negatively worded.

I started the groups on Facebook mainly because that was where I met other sufferers, for the first time, only a lot of the time I found myself not feeling comfortable sharing on an open wall for all to see.  Hence my closed groups were born.  This meant for me and many others that we had somewhere to write about our problems and worries, somewhere to rant and vent.  This often avoided the same rants or venting on personal pages, allowing people to seek help from an audience that completely understood why that person was having issues.  The problem with ranting to friends or in front of family is that quite often they do not really understand PMDD and therefore can assume all manner of things about the PMDD sufferer.

Lots of valuable information is shared in the groups, and over the past 2 years I have seen women find treatments and paths that have helped them manage their PMDD and lives to the point of leaving the groups never to return.   Some leave and come back after realising they are not quite ready to go it alone.  Having access to a group of women who completely understand really helps to transform the way you see PMDD, the way you see yourself and the world around you.

I have tried to make the groups a positive place, and many women post lots of positive messages, or update us on the good days as well as the bad, however, many feel they should not share the good days for fear of upsetting those on bad days.  Some may wonder if we are all just dwelling on it too much and keeping ourselves in a space of pain and hurt.  The way I see it is we all need support to find our path.  Some ladies may find that just a few kind words can transform their day, but the only way they are going to get a response is to share the negative situation they find themselves in.  Some ladies may only need the support of a group for a couple of months, some may need a couple of years.  This difference is because we are all unique and are at various points on our healing paths.

I think it's OK to have a space that absorbs all the negative.  Writing things down is known to be a good way to transform thoughts into something more tangible, real.  That way we can then release them.  I used to worry and dislike the way the Facebook wall works.  I was used to forums where you could go back on old posts and comments, and I could see (and still do) some really useful ways a forum could work, aside from the fact people wouldn't have to repeat themselves or have the same discussion over and over, and women could also look back and see how far they've come, or find past posts easier.  Unfortunately, the FB wall doesn't lend itself to this very well... it's a dumping ground.  The good thing about this however, is we are NOT reminded of the bad days all the time, the past is the past and is rarely brought back up for re-discussion.  This is good with regard to PMDD as we have these crazy, dark moments, but they are not us.. they may be typed up, posted, talked about and then are lost to the wall and we move on.

Each and every individual needs to take responsibility for themselves and their own healing, whether that includes meds or not.  I have always said the groups should not be a stress to anyone, and that if the negativity in the group is something that is causing you problems then you may need to take a break from the group (just like in life, really).  Many women only visit the group when they need to rant, or some may visit if they see a cry for help and they are strong enough to post a reply.  The support groups as they are work because they are really for one thing only, and that is to talk with other sufferers and find some understanding and sympathy.

What I would like to highlight though, is the power of negative words.  I think this is something all people should consider, but maybe women with PMDD more so.   

Last year, in our house, we tried The Big Apple Experiment.  You cut an apple in half and place it in identical glass, airtight jars, and then over the coming week/s you love one half and hate the other.

It was VERY easy to hate the hate half of the apple.  There was no trouble with finding hateful, hurtful things to say to that half of the apple.  My husband and I could rant at it for a while before running out of things to say, yet, when it came to saying lovely things to the other half, we all found it harder.  It even felt OK to hate, but when we tried to say loving things, it was not easy to find the words and we'd feel uncomfortable about expressing it.  What does that say about us?  Why do we not feel comfortable with speaking words of love and happiness?

Over the coming weeks we continued to talk to each half of the apple every day and the results were amazing.

You may be hugely skeptical, and if you are, I urge you to try it!  It's a great thing to do with the children to teach them about how their words can affect others, but it's also an eye opener as to what we may be doing to ourselves when we talk negatively about ourselves.  There is a lot of self hatred that goes on within PMDD groups, and of course, others will always give a hug and some reassuring words, but just LOOK at what you are potentially doing to yourself with negative words and thoughts.  These ideas, as mentioned in the video above, come from Masuru Emoto's work, which some of you may like to take a look at, and I also found another video!

It is good to rid yourself of negative emotions, we know that, however, when we see what that negativity can do to us and the people around us I think we all need to be more selective with our words, especially with the things we say to ourselves.  It's not about being all fluffy bunny and irritatingly positive all the time, but maybe finding more positive ways to look at things, and watching what you SAY and think.  Words have a massive impact on us, much more that we really realise.

As always, in the name of balance, I am also sharing a link with you which explores why positive thinking is NOT necessarily always good for you!  It's all great food for thought, and hopefully, somewhere in all this mornings ramblings, you may find something that helps you! http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creativity-and-personal-mastery/201004/why-positive-thinking-is-bad-you

The most important change I have made in my life with PMDD is that things are not BAD or GOOD.. POSITIVE or NEGATIVE... there are gifts to be found in the darkest of moments, there is positivity to be found even in the most awful situations.  I do not have good and bad weeks anymore, I have better weeks and more challenging weeks, or high energy weeks and low energy weeks.  I no longer allow myself to get sucked into self hatred and speaking terrible things at myself in the mirror.  I also curb what I say about others, knowing that that negative energy could find them and cause more rifts and friction.  In many spiritual traditions there is a Law of Three, or Threefold law.  That which you give out comes back to you 3 times over.  Some call it Karma.  If you give out positivity, you get back more positivity, and the same works for negativity.

So, in summary, there is a place for the support groups.  Somewhere to rant, rage, hate, let off steam, expel anger and meet others who can understand and share their experiences without judgement, however each and every one of us is responsible for their own lives, happiness, healing and well being.  No one can cure you, no one can save you, no one can make it all better with the swish of a wand, but we all have the ability to make life easier for ourselves, to break bad habits and try and see ourselves and situations from a different perspective.   

When I was at Uni, there was a lad who only drew in red.  Everything he did was created in red.  He was a bit worried about it, as he didn't want to lose marks.  The tutor was brilliant and said something that stuck with me ever since.. He said that the lad should go with it.. just work in red until the desire to work in red has gone.  At some point in the future he will get fed up with red and change to a different colour, but there was no point in trying to force it.  That's how I see the groups.  Women need it for a certain amount of time, they need a space to moan and offload, but that wont necessarily last forever, and in time, they will change the colour, or add colours, until they are off painting with all the colours the world has to offer.

Draw in red for a while, if that's what you need...  one day, you will change the colour, you will move on, you will change...  You may feel at the bottom of a deep dark pit, that everything you say is negative and then that in turn fuels MORE negativity, you may feel there is no way out, that you will always be like this, but you wont...  Nothing ever stays the same!

XX

CODE RED

In my previous post, I talked about an idea about having a code that you could send to your partners or close friends when you need help, or are feeling unstable and anxious.

It could be used in all sorts of situations, but for me, it would be when things are becoming difficult and I'm losing my rag, and I want to communicate with my partner without dragging him into the tornado of emotions (that are all mainly irrational and dysphoric).

So, I've decided I'm going to go for a really easy idea, of CODE RED.  But you could equally use numbers, or some other symbolic word etc.

Contacting my husband at work is something I now stay away from.  We text occasionally, when there is business to do or to tell each other we love them, but in the past, texts have been so destructive, and a childish and cowardly way of dealing with things during pre menstruation.

I now, rarely, ever send nasty or crazy text messages.  It can be hard to stop myself, but most of the time I succeed. What is usually behind an outburst is a need or worry that needs to be sorted.  When things don't get sorted, the problem grows in my head, like I have a brain of fertiliser, and it ends up flying out in a shit storm of frustration. All I might want is a hug, or some time to myself, or it maybe I just need to talk about something.

I can't ever explain whats going on in my head through a text.  However, if I use a code, it will signal to him that I'm having a rough day, and I may need to talk, to be pampered, left alone, or all three!  It may alert him that there is a difficult conversation that we need to have, or that I might not be cooking a meal that night...

You may even go so far as to include orange and black too...  I would keep it simple though, no one needs to refer to a flow chart all the time!  Here's an example:

CODE ORANGE - I'm feeling rubbish, really low and crappy. I need a hug and I need you to know that I'm not doing so great.  Today might be a struggle.  I might not be able to cook tonight.  I'm tired and stressed.

CODE RED - I'm feeling pissed off, probably for no reason, but I feel frustrated and easily angered.  I need to talk to you about some things that are bothering me, but I need you to know that I am battling with lots of negative thoughts and worries so it might not be easy.  I need you to understand, I feel like I'm on the edge of losing it.  Everything feels out of control.

CODE BLACK - I'm dangerously low...  I need you.  I'm scared.  I feel like I shouldn't be here, that we shouldn't be together.  I have no friends, I just want to sleep and never wake up.. Help, I need you home/to speak to you as soon as you can.

How your partner responds can be talked about between you, and in the same way, your system can cover whatever it is that triggers you...

It's a good exercise to do, to get an idea of what it is that triggers you, or how you respond to the stress within or outside of you.  It also helps your partner if you have some idea of what is the best thing to do in these situations.  You feel lost, they have no idea what to do, and every partner who claims to love you, should also want to support you, but unless you figure out what it is you need, you will both float out to sea.  In those times, you need your partner to be your anchor, whether thats being with you or leaving you alone.  Knowing you can have what you need, talk about what you need, feel loved and looked after when everything feels so scary really helps, so start to look for patterns, triggers, things you always do that always end in disaster.  Identify them and work to change the patterns.  The same choices will always bring the same results, so try and change the way you react or deal with things.  Be mindful, think, don't react.  Put some trust in the future even when you feel there is none.

I will be discussing this with my man, that if I send him a message saying CODE RED, that I am having a crappy time.  This way he can be prepared but not hurt, upset or angry with me by the time he gets home.

And what do you do in the mean time? when your head is all over the place and you have a few hours before the person who (almost) understands you finally gets home.  You focus on other stuff.
Get jobs done, look after the kids, get someone else to have the kids, get some sleep, go for a walk, draw, write, call a friend... anything to stay away from any stressful situations. If you have the luxury of time to yourself then chill!  enjoy the space, the quiet... eat an ice cream (like I am doing right now!)

Do anything but dwell and over analyse, fantasise and add fuel to the fire.  It's amazing how quickly you can change your path and how doing simple things make you feel better.

PMDD and accountability

What is accountability?

In a nutshell it is about being responsible for your actions.

I recently had a friend of mine email me for support because she was getting a hard time from other PMDD sufferers about a video she made for you tube about PMDD and accountability.
This lady was the first person I had found who offered a group for PMDD, a site of valuable information and support.  If it weren't for her, I would probably still be out on a limb, not knowing where to turn, along with many other women who found her site all those years ago.  She has spent years helping other women with PMDD, and stuck her neck on the line to talk about accountability.  A subject that is hard to discuss within the realms of PMDD, and one that raises hackles and gets everyone all jumpy.

PMDD can seem to control you and your actions... verbally and physically.  It can turn you into a 'monster', wreck relationships and alienate you from those around you.

The one thing that sets PMDD apart from other illnesses, especially on the mental health front, is the fact that we always return to 'normal'.  We realise that we acted out of order or said terrible things.  This is one thing that is the most difficult to deal with when in a loving relationship.  I recently described it as being whipped up into a tornado and then being dumped out the other side.

So, being accountable for you actions is one step further towards healing.  You cannot blame everything on the PMDD.  You cannot be a complete bitch to everyone who loves you and expect no one to get hurt, or to end up walking away because of things you've said and done.  Normal people without PMDD can get hurt too.

Yes, it's sometimes hard to control an outburst, or to stop yourself from doing something stupid, but ultimately, it is YOU who are doing these things.  You are not possessed by the devil, you are not schizophrenic.  It may feel like this, but you aren't.  You ARE responsible for your actions and what you say.

I remember watching this you tube video years ago, and feeling a whole load of mixed feelings.  On one hand I could agree that I should be held accountable for the things I did, but on the other hand, I was thinking... but I can't control it, it's not ME doing these things or saying nasty stuff, it's the PMDD me.... COP OUT!  It is me that allows myself to say these things.. it is me that regularly made every ones lives hell.. no one else... ME.

Realising that I have to be accountable, meant I began to try to curb my outbursts.  I began to realise that the innocent person in front of me who was only trying to help didn't deserve to have their heads ripped off cos I was having a bad day.  Sometimes, an episode was so severe, that I couldn't control it, but over time, I have learned that to heal PMDD and to allow others to love and help me, I absolutely had to find ways of dealing with my bad feelings.

We often take our stuff out on others, and sometimes this isn't even because of something they have done.. it's a past issue that is rearing it's ugly head, and is being channeled into rage for someone else... Often women with PMDD will experience people around them leaving due to the fact they can't deal with the abuse.  This then feeds the negative thoughts that you are not worthy of love, that everyone hates you or you are a bad person.  YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE, YOU DO DESERVE FRIENDS AND RELATIONSHIPS!!  but how do you expect loved ones to cope with abuse every month without ending up at breaking point themselves?

Being accountable means you must deal with the consequences of what you say and do.  It is a hard topic to get your head around.  It is even harder to fight the urge to destroy everything around you, but fight you must, if you want those people to stay in your life.  No one owes you anything, and in my experience, those that love you and understand, just want to help and see you happy.  They don't then deserve to have strips teared off them.  You can sit in guilt and regret, you can feel bad and beat yourself up and then do the same thing every month, OR you can do something about it.

Learning self control and self restraint is key.  Learning how to channel that aggressive energy into something other than an offensive outburst is key.  After months of damaging my relationship every month via text messages to my partner, that were abusive, nasty, negative, self defeating and unreasonable, we came to the point when we split.  That was the consequences of my actions.  Luckily, there was enough love and strength there to come back together after a break, but not without big discussions regarding what we both needed.  I needed more support.. how the hell I thought I was going to get more support by freezing him out and sending him nasty messages I do not know....  He needed the messages to stop, and for me to allow him to help rather than target him as an enemy.  That was a year ago, and thankfully we are still together and very happy.

Nowadays, I stay away from my phone on bad days.  I sleep it off, or find something to occupy my mind.  Occasionally.. and it is very occasionally, I slip up and a nasty text will wing its way to him at work...  I'm hurting for whatever reason, usually during a wobbly time of the month and I will want him to hurt.. except, I don't want him to hurt, I want him with me, helping, consoling me, but because he's not, I get angry and I may lose control for a second.  I always regret it and end up apologising straight away, but I run the risk of that text being the text that makes him walk away...

STOP and THINK before you allow yourself to run at the mouth.  Take a minute to think about how that text, status update or answerphone message will be recieved.  Does that person really deserve it?  Is there a better way to express the anger and rage?  Would it be better to go to bed, take a bath or go for a walk?  When you start helping yourself and controlling your PMDD, you will find others are more willing to help and try and understand.

If you still believe that you are not in control and that when a PMDD episode takes over you should not be held accountable for your actions then ponder this...

We often relate to feeling like another person, an evil twin, Jekyll and Hyde...  when we are in the 'other' state we may feel like we have schizophrenia... yet we do not have schizophrenia...
We are both blessed and cursed in that we do still have our right mind somewhere in there.  It may be clouded with emotions and negativity, but it is still there.  Unlike schizophrenic people who lose all concept of the real person they are and end up with a complete different personality for days or weeks, we always return to ourselves, often stronger than we were before.
If a schizophrenic person committed a crime, say, a murder.. does that mean we should let them off because they were not in their right mind?  If a women with PMDD did something terrible during an outburst, should they not be held accountable?  I'm pretty sure, in one way or another, that person would need to be sectioned or imprisoned,  they are a danger to society because they do not know what they have done....  Obviously this is a hypothetical example, but if the negative reactions, aggressive and abusive outbursts are not controlled then who knows what you could be capable of.
I'm not going to get into here about diminished responsibility and the times that PMDD has been used in court, but it has, and on those occasions, it is accepted that the PMDD caused the person to be acting out of character.  Those are extreme cases, and each would be looked into individually.  I'm sure no one would want to end up in a situation like this, so being responsible for your actions on a basic daily level is important.

You ARE accountable for your actions.  If you really feel you aren't, then the problem may be more serious than PMDD or your PMDD may have got so severe you really need to seek more help.  PMDD is not an excuse or get out clause for being a total cow to everyone.

And as a PS to the ladies that are leaving nasty, negative comments to my friend who has done SO much to help others with PMDD, check yourselves...  You talk of sisterhood yet leave messages that are offensive and nasty to someone who has been brave enough to make a video to try and help, about something that is difficult to talk about... where is the sisterhood there?

You can find the original video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bp1H2eAxDSU