To my friends...

(written to the friends close to me in real life and on Facebook...  wanted to share here with a wider audience and explain why I have been a bit quiet with posts, and why I may not have responded to messages/emails recently)

 

The whole month of March has been a struggle. This past week being (hopefully) the lowest I could get.
 

Lots of you, my friends, have been worried, and I feel terrible for worrying you or causing any of you upset. This guilt often means I start to spiral inwards even more, and the negative feelings grow. It has been a long time since I have written like this, but I feel it's the only way to try and help myself, and others, understand.
 

As most of you know, I have a mood/hormone disorder... at least, that's how you will understand it in the 'normal' way. The label Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder is something I am trying to move away from, but it's the easier label to give when trying to explain what I go through. It's medical. It's a real disorder. No one knows what causes it or how best to treat it. It's still not widely known about, or should I say, it's widely misdiagnosed as bipolar, borderline personality disorder, depression... Many sufferers feel schizophrenic, although, unlike schizophrenia, we rarely lose all concept of one personality in favour of the other, but rather stay in state of transition, the battle, the fight between two aspects of the self. We also tend to remain consciously aware of all our actions even when we feel like we have no control over them. PMDD cycles are monthly and therefore, when the symptoms are particularly bad, they can really take their toll on your physical and mental health.
 

So I have that going on... I hit challenging times almost every month, but since coming off all medications etc I have got a much better hold on this. I have learned how to manage my month, my LIFE, around it. I know my energy changes and fluctuates. There are better times of the month for socialising and times when I have to hide away. I know my cycle well, and can predict when I will have enough energy to go out and be social and when I will be struggling with tiredness and need to rest.
 

This week however, I was not at a point in my cycle when I should be going through this stuff. Day 7 is usually a time of increasing energy, busy-ness, lots of ideas and planning.. becoming more social etc I had had a particularly crap cycle anyway, coupled with my birthday, which this year I was really not up for celebrating.. the 'depression' had started right back then. The negativity swallowed me up. I couldn't see the point in trying. I was easily angered, wound up, hurt, upset... I did a lot of shouting and stamping about. When these times happen, it's like I have left my body and am outside watching everything unfold. I upset my children... I pushed my man away. I rejected my friends offers of help. The negative thoughts tell me that it's all false. No one really wants to help. Everyone is judging. People think I am weird, a pain in the ass, over dramatic... it's like I can hear all the sighs of everyone when they see another negative status message. Even with lots of PMDD friends around, who I know will understand, I can't connect. I can't talk.
It's like being bound, gagged, blindfolded and thrown into a pit of terror. We would call this dysphoria, which is commonly known to include persecutory feelings and suicidal tendencies.
 

For 4 days I barely ate a thing. I went from not being able to get out of bed despite sleeping for hours and hours, to being unable to sleep and staying up all night. I couldn't deal with the kids. By the end of the week they were both avoiding me and trying to stay out of my way. Rhiannon doing an amazing job of being a stand in mum for Fae while I am emotionally unavailable. All of it kills me emotionally.. I do and say things I normally wouldn't. It makes me feel like a terrible person...
I've had uncontrollable flashbacks to times in my life when I was going through hell, all the emotions from those times surface. I rid myself of one thought only to be bombarded with more negative imagery and feelings. Feelings of panic and palpitations which can last all day. Fear of having to leave the house and face anyone was too much and I spent a lot of time in the dark, in my bedroom. Thoughts of escaping... running away... hurting myself. I did not get the usual suicidal feelings this time, but the desire to destroy, cause myself pain were very strong. THAT'S when keeping yourself locked away in a bedroom is a good idea. My mind was taking me to all sorts of crazy places. Should I cut off all my dreads? should I destroy the last painting I created? I could burn myself, crash the car, find something sharp... drink a bottle of vodka... (yes to me, alcohol is a form of self destruction.. it makes me ill and so would achieve the desired result). All I have to do is hang on until it passes. Wait, till the demon leaves me. Try and get through without letting any of these impulses take over. It's not easy, and as yet, I haven't figured out what I should do in these situations. What I need is a place to go while going through it all, away from my friends and family.. but it's not likely to ever be possible, so hey, you just gotta do what you can. My body has been curled up and tense all week, the pain in my back and shoulders from the tension is awful. The exhaustion from the endless thoughts and visions knocks me for six.
 

So, if it's happening out of cycle, at a time when I would not expect it, then I have to look at what else is going on. I follow a shamanic path. I always have, although when I was younger it took the form of witchcraft. Moving on from the restrictions and rules that are set when following such belief systems, led me to where I am now. As a woman, my cycle is shamanic in itself. Every woman has a direct connection to the Earth and the Moon. The menstrual cycle echoes the seasons of the year in it's energetic changes and also follows the phases of the moon. We are currently entering Spring. Pre ovulation. It's a transition time. The Spring Equinox this week symbolises this. A time when the Sun and the Moon are in balance, but also, a time when one half of the world welcomes in Spring and the other half kisses goodbye to Summer and is seeing in the Autumn. A duality, a time of balance and extremes all at the same time. Confusing eh?
 

I digress. In following a shamanic path, in dedicating myself to it, in stepping deeper into the mysteries I have to allow the necessary shifts to occur within me. Thing is, you don't get an email telling you you are about to go through another shamanic healing process... To be honest, I wasn't overly familiar with shamanic initiatory illness and it's symptoms until now, but the more I look at what is going on right now, the more it makes sense. I could just call it a breakdown, a PMDD episode that has arisen due to the stresses and strains of life, the terrible British weather and SAD, but that is almost dismissing the importance of these happenings (It does make it easier for others to understand, especially those who think shamanism etc is a load of bollox). The healing that follows the darkest times are invaluable... IF you can develop an understanding of why it's happened.
 

LOOK at the symptoms for shamanic initiatory illness... (these can also be symptoms of coming off psychiatric meds or the rising of the kundalini)
 

Shaking, vibration, altered states of consciousness ranging from comatose to euphoric, extremely long periods of insomnia or hypersomnia, inability to tolerate eating, food cravings, headaches, nausea and vomiting, nightmares, suicidality, pain, heart palpitations, fear of going crazy, feeling tormented, terror, being bed-ridden, agitation, weakness, cognitive confusion, seizures, muscular rigidity, tingling, impaired vision, hearing unusual sounds, seeing lights, other hallucinations or visions, obsessive or impulsive behavior, rages, crying jags, severe depression, vertigo, seeming drunk without taking any substance, exhaustion, chills, heat, sweating, tendency to withdrawal and agoraphobia.
(http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/91-kundalini-shamanic-initiatory-illness/)
 

I can tick off many of the above and have just experienced them. There is much documented about how shamans view schizophrenia and episodes like the one I have just described. In fact such things as schizophrenia do not exist in shamanic tribes. Shamans would view these things as a spirit trying to contact the living world, or a possession of a body by a spirit. Likewise, PMS or PMDD would not exist in these circles either. Women's menstruation was seen as a very powerful thing, and an essential part of their (and the tribe's) spiritual well being. Menstruation, itself, is an altered state of being/consciousness. You can read more about how shaman's deal with mental illness in the following link. It's an amazing article. http://www.jaysongaddis.com/2010/11/the-shamanic-view-of-mental-illness/
 

I can't say for sure that this is some kind of shamanic thing going on... but I also don't class myself as truly mentally ill. I am also not a flaky character that can't deal with the things life throws at her, as I have gone through a whole heap of difficult situations and life traumas over the years and am still here to tell the tale. My counselor, a few sessions in, told me she is amazed I am still here. My reply, is always... my kids keep me here. They are the reason I continue to live out my life on this planet... that and the fact that I have been blessed with a life, so really, I better make the most of it, however alien the world seems, and however difficult this particular life seems to be. Life, now, is actually better that it has ever been.. a gorgeous, loving and understanding husband, better relationships with family and friends, two amazing children and my art, my writing, the wonderful web, and a future that hopefully holds some great things.
 

About 15 years ago, during another challenging time of my life, my tarot teacher once said to me 'The hardest steel is tempered in the hottest fire'. That has stuck with me ever since. To be strong, to understand another person's pain, to feel empathy, to be able to help, heal, you need to undergo it yourself. I never consciously asked for this path, it just is... I find most of my life is 'out of my hands' these days. I rely on my instinct, on catching the wave and feeling the flow. I guess that with that comes the storms that turn the boat over, throw you into the water and leave you fighting for your life. What I wish though is that it didn't affect my family and friendships so much. 

 

So I'm doing my best. To understand, to learn, to develop and grow. I wanted to share all this stuff as I do freak out some times and think that everyone must think I am completely nuts, or just a depressive personality with no joy or fun, but that's not the case. I'm just different, and dealing with some really weird shit that no body gave me a manual for! Thank you to everyone who contacted me with kind words and who offered the hand of support. I'm sorry I couldn't accept, and especially sorry if my actions or words hurt or upset anyone...
 

I'm still 'coming round', settling down. It takes a while to flush out the adrenaline and anxiety, it takes even longer to get rid of the guilt and the feeling of embarrassment and shame, but writing this, focusing on some art will help, and hopefully I will re-integrate what I've learned through all this and next time wont be so bad... I have no idea how many of these I need to go through, but I couldn't actually begin to count the times that this sort of thing has happened. The last time was 6 months ago at the Autumn Equinox (pattern? who knows!)
 

Love to you all, and thank you for being a friend, in whatever capacity... (cyber, real life.. it's all the same)
 

Cat xx

Thank you...

To all of you who have contacted me and sent such lovely messages...

Thank you!

I'm doing ok.  Day 16 is here and I've had around 10 days of reasonable stable mood.  I could feel the changes for ovulation start a few days ago, with the mild pain, leading to a big heavy feeling in my womb today.  My head however has managed to stay on track, until today.

Today, the heaviness, the feeling in my womb that makes me so aware of the changes has been trying to divert my thoughts too.  I distracted myself with a film, but it was so hard to just pay attention to the film and not listen to my mind telling me I should be doing other things, or that everything I've been thinking of recently is all bullshit.  I know it's not, I know that I've been feeling good, positive about new choices I might make.  I had been feeling excited and content.

Today has been lazy.  Tomorrow will be busier.  I'm starting a course in Astrology and am really looking forward to it.  I'm hoping it will kick start my usual rubbish Monday mornings and give me a better mindset for the rest of the week.

Thanks again for all the words of encouragement and kindness.

I'm still here! and will try and write again soon xx

Losing the fight.

I haven't written like this in a long time.  Right now, I have no other options.

I have fallen down the slippery slope.  Lost hold of the rope.  Tripped into the chasm that is my sorry life.  I am low.  Really fucking low.  For the past 3 cycles I have battled the suicidal thoughts.  I've hid from them, I've talked myself down, now on day 6 of my cycle, I still feel the same.  Nothing has lifted.

Now it seems the depression is really taking root.  October.  Almost November.  There is NOTHING good about the UK in November.  The crisis team seem to be completely incapable of their jobs.  As do the community mental health team.  You know, it's impossible to raise a complaint, or point our their mistakes with the CMHT.  You are the crazy one after all.  One word out of line and it's 'if you raise your voice again I WILL hang up'.  What part of I'M SUICIDAL AND NEED HELP AND ONE OF YOUR WORKERS HAS NOT DONE HIS JOB SINCE THE LAST TIME I WAS FUCKING SUICIDAL AND NEEDED HELP.  No, I did not swear at her, I surely would have had the phone slammed down on me, but the snooty bitch needs to get a job in a hotel, not a mental health department.

I'm done in.  Beat.  Lost.  Alone.  Sick.  There is no hope anywhere I turn.  After an incident in my support group a few weeks back, I found it hard to return.  It knocked me for six.  In plain writing I saw how others spoke about me.  I saw what they thought of ME.  Don't take it personally.. (one of the four agreements I remind myself), but to be honest, I have wanted to give up updating this blog, close all the groups and walk away, go back to going through my PMDD journey alone.  I tried to come back from it, focus on PMS week and churn out a load of images, create a new page for my new idea, but it was like a cheap sticking plaster, that didn't really cover the wound.

It made me question why I am trying to fight for others, look after others, speak out for others. 

I've got my own STUFF to deal with.  Trying to focus my energies on raising awareness, writing blogs, creating posters is all well and good, when it feels like there is something to fight for, but at the moment, the fight has gone.  My life feels worthless.  I'm actually beginning to think that it's truly is impossible for me to be happy.  I should go get a job cleaning toilets and forget about my life getting any better.  All this is far from just being a PMDD episode.  I have some really difficult issues, painful things, life stuff, and it's all coming up now.

I think people think I am causing all this, bringing it on myself because I won't take meds.  IF the meds they were offering had been tried and tested on PMDD, IF I had proper monitoring and care when taking them, IF I had proper support, then I might consider it, but I don't.  My family is already stretched to breaking point with me, the drugs they offer are for other illnesses, and I know, that I just don't want to go down that experimental route again.

I've deleted a ton of friends and family off my Facebook.  I want to just hit, deactivate account, and disappear. Forget about all this.  I've been tempted a few times to delete this blog... to step right back, hide, fade away and focus on something else.  I'm still undecided.  I'm on shut down, self destruct...

The trust has gone.  I am living scared.  I cannot relax.  I hate myself so much I am literally disgusted.  If this cloud lifts, I will then just feel ridiculous that I was ever in this place, but the truth is, it won't last long enough to achieve anything.  It will be a matter of days before I am here again.  It just doesn't seem worth fighting for.

So, I can't tell you the future of this blog, or my groups and pages on Facebook.  I'm staying away from it all at the moment.  Maybe I will find the drive/need/passion to continue, or maybe I will decide that it's time to forget about PMDD and trying to make a difference and walk away from it all. 

All I know now, is that I don't trust anyone.  I can't let anyone in and I just wish I could delete everything I've ever put online and effectively die in cyberspace.  Who the fuck am I anyway?

No one. 

I'm losing the fight.  Losing the will.  I just don't want to go on anymore.  I try and tell people that a life with PMDD IS worth living, that you have to have hope, keep on keeping on, but if I said that now, I would be lying cos I don't see how there is a life to be had with PMDD.

5 Years old

I was planning on a big announcement on Sunday (30th September) that Meet my PMDD - Moods and Musings blog is now 5 years old, but I've been having a really tough time recently and haven't been up to blogging.  The ideas still flow, but the desire to write has left me at the moment.

During my few good days last week, I had felt proud and happy that the blog had been going that long, and that I now have so many lovely readers and chat to so many amazing women that have found me through this little page.

But since my mood dropped again (ovulation today) I find it increasingly hard to be positive or happy about anything.  FIVE years...  SO much has happened in that time.. and it makes me realise how much pain I've gone through since 2007.. only, things didn't start going bad then.. they had been bad for a long. long time.  I've been blogging for about 10 years (back in the day I used Diary X) and have had PMDD for 22 years now.

It was cathartic.  It was healing.  It was wallowing.  It was release.  It was my place to say what I thought.  I have realised that I have a strong desire to write, and I've also discovered that I write pretty well.  Things I never would have believed of myself before.

Many times I have wanted to give up.  In the destructive moments, I've wanted to delete the whole blog and forget about it.  Like ripping up a painting in hatred of all it represents, but I've managed to restrain myself, wait a few days, then get back in the writing saddle.

I don't know where I am right now.  I feel lost.  I don't know where I'm heading or even where I want to be heading.  I had plans of doing a course this winter.  I was sure that if I had something to work towards, something to focus on I would get through the winter without all the problems that usually arise at this time of year.  I would come out in Spring/Summer 2013 with new ideas, a certificate behind me and a ton of new experiences... only, I couldn't raise the cash to do the course, and with a heavy heart, I had to come to terms with the fact it wasn't going to happen.  This has thrown me off course.  I had my heart set on this training, these experiences.. having something to focus on, but it is not an option now.  I've missed the boat again.

So now, I am floating about.  I have lost all my desire to create, which is like losing the desire to breathe. I've been surfing the web for something that will trigger a creative response, but nothing has come yet.  I've tried reading, I've tried thinking, resting, cooking, giving up all the thoughts to just sit mindlessly in front of the TV.  Still no urges to DO anything.

I don't know what's happening.  I can only hope and pray everyday that I will feel better soon.  The past month has already been tough.  Only 2 weeks ago I had another full blown breakdown.  Called crisis team and my husband had to come home from work.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  Dreaming up ways to try and escape for over 24 hours.  Staying in bed because it was the safest option.  Feeling so volatile that I didn't know what I might be capable of.  Why now?  Why am I going through this again?  Did I take a wrong turn?

The reality is that in the past 4 months, my partner moved in, I got married, we went straight into summer holidays and now everyone's back to work, school and college.  MASSIVE life changes for anyone...  but I feel left behind.  I feel like life is passing me by and I will never be anything more than the PMDD.  I still need to finish my PMDD book, I have a load of art I've been asked to create, a new website to finish, I have nothing that will bring in an income, and am stuck in my house 24/7 and the wheel is spinning faster than ever into winter.

Anyway...

Thank you to all who read, share my links and come and connect with me on Facebook.  I wonder if I will still be here writing about my PMDD in 2017!  weirdly, let's hope not!

CODE RED

In my previous post, I talked about an idea about having a code that you could send to your partners or close friends when you need help, or are feeling unstable and anxious.

It could be used in all sorts of situations, but for me, it would be when things are becoming difficult and I'm losing my rag, and I want to communicate with my partner without dragging him into the tornado of emotions (that are all mainly irrational and dysphoric).

So, I've decided I'm going to go for a really easy idea, of CODE RED.  But you could equally use numbers, or some other symbolic word etc.

Contacting my husband at work is something I now stay away from.  We text occasionally, when there is business to do or to tell each other we love them, but in the past, texts have been so destructive, and a childish and cowardly way of dealing with things during pre menstruation.

I now, rarely, ever send nasty or crazy text messages.  It can be hard to stop myself, but most of the time I succeed. What is usually behind an outburst is a need or worry that needs to be sorted.  When things don't get sorted, the problem grows in my head, like I have a brain of fertiliser, and it ends up flying out in a shit storm of frustration. All I might want is a hug, or some time to myself, or it maybe I just need to talk about something.

I can't ever explain whats going on in my head through a text.  However, if I use a code, it will signal to him that I'm having a rough day, and I may need to talk, to be pampered, left alone, or all three!  It may alert him that there is a difficult conversation that we need to have, or that I might not be cooking a meal that night...

You may even go so far as to include orange and black too...  I would keep it simple though, no one needs to refer to a flow chart all the time!  Here's an example:

CODE ORANGE - I'm feeling rubbish, really low and crappy. I need a hug and I need you to know that I'm not doing so great.  Today might be a struggle.  I might not be able to cook tonight.  I'm tired and stressed.

CODE RED - I'm feeling pissed off, probably for no reason, but I feel frustrated and easily angered.  I need to talk to you about some things that are bothering me, but I need you to know that I am battling with lots of negative thoughts and worries so it might not be easy.  I need you to understand, I feel like I'm on the edge of losing it.  Everything feels out of control.

CODE BLACK - I'm dangerously low...  I need you.  I'm scared.  I feel like I shouldn't be here, that we shouldn't be together.  I have no friends, I just want to sleep and never wake up.. Help, I need you home/to speak to you as soon as you can.

How your partner responds can be talked about between you, and in the same way, your system can cover whatever it is that triggers you...

It's a good exercise to do, to get an idea of what it is that triggers you, or how you respond to the stress within or outside of you.  It also helps your partner if you have some idea of what is the best thing to do in these situations.  You feel lost, they have no idea what to do, and every partner who claims to love you, should also want to support you, but unless you figure out what it is you need, you will both float out to sea.  In those times, you need your partner to be your anchor, whether thats being with you or leaving you alone.  Knowing you can have what you need, talk about what you need, feel loved and looked after when everything feels so scary really helps, so start to look for patterns, triggers, things you always do that always end in disaster.  Identify them and work to change the patterns.  The same choices will always bring the same results, so try and change the way you react or deal with things.  Be mindful, think, don't react.  Put some trust in the future even when you feel there is none.

I will be discussing this with my man, that if I send him a message saying CODE RED, that I am having a crappy time.  This way he can be prepared but not hurt, upset or angry with me by the time he gets home.

And what do you do in the mean time? when your head is all over the place and you have a few hours before the person who (almost) understands you finally gets home.  You focus on other stuff.
Get jobs done, look after the kids, get someone else to have the kids, get some sleep, go for a walk, draw, write, call a friend... anything to stay away from any stressful situations. If you have the luxury of time to yourself then chill!  enjoy the space, the quiet... eat an ice cream (like I am doing right now!)

Do anything but dwell and over analyse, fantasise and add fuel to the fire.  It's amazing how quickly you can change your path and how doing simple things make you feel better.

PMDD and accountability

What is accountability?

In a nutshell it is about being responsible for your actions.

I recently had a friend of mine email me for support because she was getting a hard time from other PMDD sufferers about a video she made for you tube about PMDD and accountability.
This lady was the first person I had found who offered a group for PMDD, a site of valuable information and support.  If it weren't for her, I would probably still be out on a limb, not knowing where to turn, along with many other women who found her site all those years ago.  She has spent years helping other women with PMDD, and stuck her neck on the line to talk about accountability.  A subject that is hard to discuss within the realms of PMDD, and one that raises hackles and gets everyone all jumpy.

PMDD can seem to control you and your actions... verbally and physically.  It can turn you into a 'monster', wreck relationships and alienate you from those around you.

The one thing that sets PMDD apart from other illnesses, especially on the mental health front, is the fact that we always return to 'normal'.  We realise that we acted out of order or said terrible things.  This is one thing that is the most difficult to deal with when in a loving relationship.  I recently described it as being whipped up into a tornado and then being dumped out the other side.

So, being accountable for you actions is one step further towards healing.  You cannot blame everything on the PMDD.  You cannot be a complete bitch to everyone who loves you and expect no one to get hurt, or to end up walking away because of things you've said and done.  Normal people without PMDD can get hurt too.

Yes, it's sometimes hard to control an outburst, or to stop yourself from doing something stupid, but ultimately, it is YOU who are doing these things.  You are not possessed by the devil, you are not schizophrenic.  It may feel like this, but you aren't.  You ARE responsible for your actions and what you say.

I remember watching this you tube video years ago, and feeling a whole load of mixed feelings.  On one hand I could agree that I should be held accountable for the things I did, but on the other hand, I was thinking... but I can't control it, it's not ME doing these things or saying nasty stuff, it's the PMDD me.... COP OUT!  It is me that allows myself to say these things.. it is me that regularly made every ones lives hell.. no one else... ME.

Realising that I have to be accountable, meant I began to try to curb my outbursts.  I began to realise that the innocent person in front of me who was only trying to help didn't deserve to have their heads ripped off cos I was having a bad day.  Sometimes, an episode was so severe, that I couldn't control it, but over time, I have learned that to heal PMDD and to allow others to love and help me, I absolutely had to find ways of dealing with my bad feelings.

We often take our stuff out on others, and sometimes this isn't even because of something they have done.. it's a past issue that is rearing it's ugly head, and is being channeled into rage for someone else... Often women with PMDD will experience people around them leaving due to the fact they can't deal with the abuse.  This then feeds the negative thoughts that you are not worthy of love, that everyone hates you or you are a bad person.  YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE, YOU DO DESERVE FRIENDS AND RELATIONSHIPS!!  but how do you expect loved ones to cope with abuse every month without ending up at breaking point themselves?

Being accountable means you must deal with the consequences of what you say and do.  It is a hard topic to get your head around.  It is even harder to fight the urge to destroy everything around you, but fight you must, if you want those people to stay in your life.  No one owes you anything, and in my experience, those that love you and understand, just want to help and see you happy.  They don't then deserve to have strips teared off them.  You can sit in guilt and regret, you can feel bad and beat yourself up and then do the same thing every month, OR you can do something about it.

Learning self control and self restraint is key.  Learning how to channel that aggressive energy into something other than an offensive outburst is key.  After months of damaging my relationship every month via text messages to my partner, that were abusive, nasty, negative, self defeating and unreasonable, we came to the point when we split.  That was the consequences of my actions.  Luckily, there was enough love and strength there to come back together after a break, but not without big discussions regarding what we both needed.  I needed more support.. how the hell I thought I was going to get more support by freezing him out and sending him nasty messages I do not know....  He needed the messages to stop, and for me to allow him to help rather than target him as an enemy.  That was a year ago, and thankfully we are still together and very happy.

Nowadays, I stay away from my phone on bad days.  I sleep it off, or find something to occupy my mind.  Occasionally.. and it is very occasionally, I slip up and a nasty text will wing its way to him at work...  I'm hurting for whatever reason, usually during a wobbly time of the month and I will want him to hurt.. except, I don't want him to hurt, I want him with me, helping, consoling me, but because he's not, I get angry and I may lose control for a second.  I always regret it and end up apologising straight away, but I run the risk of that text being the text that makes him walk away...

STOP and THINK before you allow yourself to run at the mouth.  Take a minute to think about how that text, status update or answerphone message will be recieved.  Does that person really deserve it?  Is there a better way to express the anger and rage?  Would it be better to go to bed, take a bath or go for a walk?  When you start helping yourself and controlling your PMDD, you will find others are more willing to help and try and understand.

If you still believe that you are not in control and that when a PMDD episode takes over you should not be held accountable for your actions then ponder this...

We often relate to feeling like another person, an evil twin, Jekyll and Hyde...  when we are in the 'other' state we may feel like we have schizophrenia... yet we do not have schizophrenia...
We are both blessed and cursed in that we do still have our right mind somewhere in there.  It may be clouded with emotions and negativity, but it is still there.  Unlike schizophrenic people who lose all concept of the real person they are and end up with a complete different personality for days or weeks, we always return to ourselves, often stronger than we were before.
If a schizophrenic person committed a crime, say, a murder.. does that mean we should let them off because they were not in their right mind?  If a women with PMDD did something terrible during an outburst, should they not be held accountable?  I'm pretty sure, in one way or another, that person would need to be sectioned or imprisoned,  they are a danger to society because they do not know what they have done....  Obviously this is a hypothetical example, but if the negative reactions, aggressive and abusive outbursts are not controlled then who knows what you could be capable of.
I'm not going to get into here about diminished responsibility and the times that PMDD has been used in court, but it has, and on those occasions, it is accepted that the PMDD caused the person to be acting out of character.  Those are extreme cases, and each would be looked into individually.  I'm sure no one would want to end up in a situation like this, so being responsible for your actions on a basic daily level is important.

You ARE accountable for your actions.  If you really feel you aren't, then the problem may be more serious than PMDD or your PMDD may have got so severe you really need to seek more help.  PMDD is not an excuse or get out clause for being a total cow to everyone.

And as a PS to the ladies that are leaving nasty, negative comments to my friend who has done SO much to help others with PMDD, check yourselves...  You talk of sisterhood yet leave messages that are offensive and nasty to someone who has been brave enough to make a video to try and help, about something that is difficult to talk about... where is the sisterhood there?

You can find the original video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bp1H2eAxDSU

24 days

24 days since my injection. I would love to say I'm feeling amazing, but it's far, far from that.

I'm finding it very hard to keep it together. My depression is worse. Add in a pinch of re-occuring red rage, that makes me want to smash everything in sight, and an ocean full of tears, and you have the past couple of weeks.
I am so low, I cant see the point in it anymore.

I have to have my second injection on monday. Talk about a rock and a hard place. If I stopped the Zoladex, I would go straight back to the way things were before. If I stay on it, I will get to see if this will work. The time between that however, is pretty shit. When I'm not wanting to smash things, break stuff, slam doors, punch walls or scratch myself, I'm trying to think of ways to leave. Ways to leave it all behind. Run away? suicide? drugs? I'm tearful all the time and cry at the drop of a hat. What happens if this doesnt work? what then?

It's 3.30am, and I went to bed at 11pm. I then spent 2 hours going boiling hot and then cold. Duvet on, duvet off. I felt the anger rising and just wanted to break something. Then I thought about getting in the car and just driving away. Trouble is, no matter what I do or where I go, I'm still messed up me. So, no point in going to bed, no point in waking up. All the things that once may have cheered me up no longer work. I'm losing sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, and think that maybe I should just stay in the tunnel and never come out.

I havent left the house much in 3 weeks. Issues about my weight, just add to my insecurity. I have had the most horrible spots break out all over my face, and a severe headache almost everyday.

My head cant deal with a menopause at 32. I cant deal with this. I just dont know what to do.....

Losing it

Today and yesterday I have been so low, to the point of despair.
I have no pot to smoke to get me through, so I am now on the Vodka. No point in pretending I can get through this with meditation, love and light as my thoughts are just too destructive

Just today, my brain has told me to, pack my bags, leave my baby with someone safe and leave, get in the car and drive and drive till I find somewhere to stay, with the intention of never returning.

OR

Pack all my partners stuff and tell him to leave. I want to be on my own..

OR

Smoke and drink till I cant feel the pain anymore. I would prefer to smoke but where I live is completely dry, so the little local Tesco's come to my rescue by selling quarter bottles of Voddy. Ahhh fuck it, what's the point in it all anyway?

Whats the point in an illness that means I cant be me for more than a few days?

Whats the point is battling?

Whats the point in fighting?

I have always felt like I am jinxed, like I have some curse on me. Is this what life will be like for another 30 years? I'm actually amazed I made it to 30. I thought I would be dead and buried by my early twenties. Maybe I really am just living on borrowed time now?

I apologise for being so self absorbed and depressed. I apologise to anyone who cant be arsed with moaning poeple like me. But in the grand scheme of things, you don't have to read or comment, I'm just fed up with pretending i'm ok.