I haven't written like this in a long time. Right now, I have no other options.
I have fallen down the slippery slope. Lost hold of the rope. Tripped into the chasm that is my sorry life. I am low. Really fucking low. For the past 3 cycles I have battled the suicidal thoughts. I've hid from them, I've talked myself down, now on day 6 of my cycle, I still feel the same. Nothing has lifted.
Now it seems the depression is really taking root. October. Almost November. There is NOTHING good about the UK in November. The crisis team seem to be completely incapable of their jobs. As do the community mental health team. You know, it's impossible to raise a complaint, or point our their mistakes with the CMHT. You are the crazy one after all. One word out of line and it's 'if you raise your voice again I WILL hang up'. What part of I'M SUICIDAL AND NEED HELP AND ONE OF YOUR WORKERS HAS NOT DONE HIS JOB SINCE THE LAST TIME I WAS FUCKING SUICIDAL AND NEEDED HELP. No, I did not swear at her, I surely would have had the phone slammed down on me, but the snooty bitch needs to get a job in a hotel, not a mental health department.
I'm done in. Beat. Lost. Alone. Sick. There is no hope anywhere I turn. After an incident in my support group a few weeks back, I found it hard to return. It knocked me for six. In plain writing I saw how others spoke about me. I saw what they thought of ME. Don't take it personally.. (one of the four agreements I remind myself), but to be honest, I have wanted to give up updating this blog, close all the groups and walk away, go back to going through my PMDD journey alone. I tried to come back from it, focus on PMS week and churn out a load of images, create a new page for my new idea, but it was like a cheap sticking plaster, that didn't really cover the wound.
It made me question why I am trying to fight for others, look after others, speak out for others.
I've got my own STUFF to deal with. Trying to focus my energies on raising awareness, writing blogs, creating posters is all well and good, when it feels like there is something to fight for, but at the moment, the fight has gone. My life feels worthless. I'm actually beginning to think that it's truly is impossible for me to be happy. I should go get a job cleaning toilets and forget about my life getting any better. All this is far from just being a PMDD episode. I have some really difficult issues, painful things, life stuff, and it's all coming up now.
I think people think I am causing all this, bringing it on myself because I won't take meds. IF the meds they were offering had been tried and tested on PMDD, IF I had proper monitoring and care when taking them, IF I had proper support, then I might consider it, but I don't. My family is already stretched to breaking point with me, the drugs they offer are for other illnesses, and I know, that I just don't want to go down that experimental route again.
I've deleted a ton of friends and family off my Facebook. I want to just hit, deactivate account, and disappear. Forget about all this. I've been tempted a few times to delete this blog... to step right back, hide, fade away and focus on something else. I'm still undecided. I'm on shut down, self destruct...
The trust has gone. I am living scared. I cannot relax. I hate myself so much I am literally disgusted. If this cloud lifts, I will then just feel ridiculous that I was ever in this place, but the truth is, it won't last long enough to achieve anything. It will be a matter of days before I am here again. It just doesn't seem worth fighting for.
So, I can't tell you the future of this blog, or my groups and pages on Facebook. I'm staying away from it all at the moment. Maybe I will find the drive/need/passion to continue, or maybe I will decide that it's time to forget about PMDD and trying to make a difference and walk away from it all.
All I know now, is that I don't trust anyone. I can't let anyone in and I just wish I could delete everything I've ever put online and effectively die in cyberspace. Who the fuck am I anyway?
No one.
I'm losing the fight. Losing the will. I just don't want to go on anymore. I try and tell people that a life with PMDD IS worth living, that you have to have hope, keep on keeping on, but if I said that now, I would be lying cos I don't see how there is a life to be had with PMDD.
