Question time!

During the month of April 2015, I am inviting questions via my Facebook Page.  If there is anything you would like to ask me, then please leave a message on my page and I will do my best to reply in the form of a blog post.

The first question left on my page by Elizabeth is:

I'm wondering why it is you've distanced yourself so abruptly from the PMDD movement? 

So many women were inspires by you and you helped so many with getting going.

I am very grateful for the first question as I still feel people don't understand why I no longer write about PMDD or have much to do with the pages and groups I created.  Back in December 2013, I wrote a lengthy blog about my reasons for moving away from the work I was doing.  You can read that here.

The main reason I have distanced myself from the PMDD movement is to enable my own healing. Over the years, it became very apparent that no form of medication, hormone treatment or other would work for me.  I also had clear lines that I wouldn't cross, so very much came to the end of the road of options.  In giving up all medications, hormone treatments etc, I was leaving myself very vulnerable and exposed.

I had only started the blog as a way to express myself and share what was happening to me.  I had never imagined it would get so many readers and that I would meet hundreds of women through my support groups etc... I never knew I would set up support groups in the first place!!  I had no idea I would go to a newspaper, attend a PMS conference, end up on a Mental Health website or start an awareness movement!

Doing all these things gave me a positive focus and something to spend my time on.  For around 4 years my life was nothing but PMDD.  Dealing with my own symptoms, writing blogs, sharing stories, supporting people in the support groups and often going above and beyond what should be expected of a mum of two from Hampshire.  It often supported me. Making friends and finding others who wanted to raise awareness and start groups was a bonus.  I made so many lovely friends, met so many lovely people, and really felt like I had made some small difference, even if that difference was just uniting women so they could support each other.

It would be worth noting here that it wasn't all a wonderful experience.  I have been publicly and privately attacked, and had to deal regularly with stress and problems that arose in support groups. Quite often this stress would send me down a bad road, and I would then suffer the effects of simply being on the receiving end of someone else's problems, even though I'd only tried to help or keep the peace.

In all the chat and support groups, I realised that I was not going to be happy with a lifetime of pills, or surgery etc, and my spiritual healing began...  Working with my cycle and having to completely change my way of thinking meant that I could no longer write about things the same way.  In fact, as I was learning and going through it all, I couldn't write about much at all.  I didn't understand it enough to share it with anyone.  My focus had to move away from the groups and blog.  My focus had to be directed at me and nothing else.  You can read a little about this journey here and here.

I have changed my life.  It is unrecognisable from the life I had when I started this blog. The only way I could do that was to heal myself my own way and that meant stepping away from the PMDD environment.  Even saying I have PMDD is going against all the healing I have done.

For me, I could no longer identify with PMDD.  I had to see myself as well, not un-well. Telling people I had PMDD just affirmed it every time.  I could no longer talk in the groups as I was trying a method of healing that most didn't really understand.  I couldn't keep taking myself back to dark places, and being part of the support groups and pages meant I regularly had to deal with dark things, or be reminded of them.  I felt guilty, like I was turning my back on the people I'd met and who had supported me through stuff many times. I had to move on though, despite everything I'd built.  I had to let it go as it was the only way I was going to heal.

I had never dreamt of being a PMDD spokesperson, or activist, I had never daydreamed of running support groups and awareness campaigns.  All of it just happened, and a time came, where I could no longer sustain it or be a part of it.  I had to be completely selfish.  I had to walk away and focus on my own healing.  I was not going to be taking meds, or going for surgery.  What I was doing was completely changing the way I think and see my dis-order. This required total commitment to myself and meant I had to step out of the PMDD world.

I now find myself feeling very different towards PMDD.  You could say it's almost a complete U-turn.  I don't feel the same way about it as I did.  I can't write about it like I did, and as yet, I still don't have the vocabulary or time to explain it all.  Imagine being told that to heal yourself, you need to deny PMDD exists in the way it is currently understood.  That you need to avoid meds and hormones and that you need to possibly change your life completely.  Essentially, that is what I have done, so you can see why I don't want to shout about it, despite feeling amazing and completely different to how I was just 6 years years ago.

I am proud of what I've achieved but can no longer support it in the same way.  I am thrilled others have grabbed the baton and continued the race.  NAPMDD is doing a grand job of continuing raising awareness, and I am so pleased someone is working hard to get the word out.  For many, the support is needed, for all, research is needed, and that will only happen if women put on the pressure and find ways and people who can make that happen.

For me and my 'PMDD' I have to follow a different path.  The support groups helped me for a while, then became a source of stress.  The writing and campaigning gave me something positive to do with my time and helped me make sense of it all.  The experiences I had and knowledge I gained was simply amazing, but all I wanted to once I started feeling better was paint and create, follow my dreams of being an artist and teacher.  I couldn't do any of this is my days were full of PMDD.

I now fill my time with colour and paint.  I teach meditation and using art as meditation.  I have a volunteer job and one day, I may be able to be self employed and work properly again.  My relationships are better, my kids are happier.  I'm happy with my life and with the potential paths that lay ahead.  What happened with my PMDD blog, the groups etc was all an essential part of me getting where I am and I will always be grateful for the experience.  I will never forget the friends I have made along the way, and will always support the 'cause' in my own way, even if others think that way is strange!

To see my art, head on over to www.chaoticat.com or check my Facebook Page here!

I hope that answers your question Elizabeth.  Thank you for participating!

Handing things over...

Recently, I decided I can no longer maintain the PMDD-Community page and PMDD Awareness UK pages on Facebook.  It breaks my heart every time I cannot respond to a message, and the pages need an injection of energy and enthusiasm that I just can't muster now towards PMDD things.

Within a few days of the call out on the community page I had found someone perfect for the position.  It's a challenging place to be when you have thousands of likers and you can no longer continue what you started, so it was always my priority to hand over to people who I feel have every intention of keeping these spaces going to the best of their ability.  Jenn Stephan has experience in running pages and women's health, alongside being a PMDD sufferer and is looking forward to adding more content and creating conversations on the page.  I'm sure she will do just great.

So, I bid farewell to a community I have looked after for 4 years.  It is both a sad and happy time.  It will be strange not to check in on the page every couple of days and to no longer have the responsibility to reply to comments and queries.  I am looking forward to really being able to move on without thinking about PMDD or being called back to help someone else in need.  It may sound selfish, but I know I have dedicated a lot of my life to helping others while healing myself, but for this next part of the journey I need to go it alone (symbolically!).  I still run a a couple of support groups (I don't know if I might need some support during the next part of my journey, or if that's even the right place, but it feels right to still have some connections there)

The PMDD Awareness UK page is also being handed on to a lady called Victoria.  Victoria currently admins the UK support group and is looking to help raise more awareness.  Victoria's own journey with PMDD sees her recovering from a hysterectomy, so if there is anyone who can understand first hand the struggles of living with PMDD it's her.  I'm hoping she will enjoy running the page and helping others as much as I have.  Taking hold of the PMDD baton and running with it is essential to the future of PMDD being understood, so I hope these women realise they are doing a worthwhile and needed job for others with the condition.

My best wishes to them both.  The posts I make to these pages over the next few days will be my last, as I help the new ladies find their feet.  I will always remember what was achieved and how much support I got through these spaces.  If you are searching for help, go there now and ask for help.  Someone is there waiting to listen and share advice.

Much love x

This is not the end.

It's been a while since I've written a blog, and there are many reasons for this. Life stuff takes over sometimes and attention needs to be elsewhere, but alongside this, I have been coming to some very different conclusions about my own PMDD. I have mentioned before about how hard it is to explain and express all the things that have changed within me since I started this blog, and I have felt a real inner conflict for many months now.

Some of the things I have learned means my view of PMDD has changed massively. When I started this blog, and began sharing my story and understandings, I was in a dark place. This was due to many things alongside PMDD. PMDD was not solely responsible for my life feeling too hard to bear. I can look back and see that now, but when you are caught up in the daily drama, it's easy to feel like PMDD is to blame for all of life's shortcomings. In 5 years, my life has changed dramatically, and in those years I have found friends, fellow sufferers and other people like me.

When I say 'other people like me' I mean those who also have PMDD, but are choosing to work spiritually with it rather than continue down the route of believing that we need to be 'fixed' or that there is something inherently wrong with us.

I no longer believe there is anything wrong with me. The past 5 years have taken me to the depths of despair, but they have also been so valuable. PMDD has actually been the most powerful guide I could have had. I know many readers may think I've lost the plot, or that maybe, I could never have really suffered with PMDD to begin with, and that's fine. You can judge me however you like.

I come across a lot of women through the PMDD community page, and many want a 'cure'. Many want a magic tablet to make everything better. They want labels and recognition for that label. PMDD is just a label. It's the label doctors give to a woman who is sensitive to the hormonal changes in the body, and when those hormonal changes create a string of infinite symptoms that becomes life destroying. Some people want it to be a mental disorder, some want it to be an endocrine disorder and some believe it originates in the gut. I shared an article recently about PMDD being labelled a mental disorder, and someone commented saying that if it was all in the mind then how did it a hysterectomy cure her? Thing is, the brain controls everything, it controls the production of hormones, and it is affected by hormones. Hysterectomy is the ultimate off switch. The brain no longer needs to tell the body to make those hormones. Having a hysterectomy may be the most successful way of treating PMDD to date, but it is an extreme measure to take, especially if you want children and haven't been able to conceive. So it may be effective, but is it the best way? Swapping PMDD for early menopause has never been something I have wanted to do. I know a few women who have had their PMDD 'cured' by means of hysterectomy, some have had other problems occur, some haven't, but on the most part, I hear many women say they are glad to have had it done, and I for one am happy that they are no longer suffering and have a chance at a new life without PMDD. There are many different views on the causes of PMDD. The only I would like to say for certain is it is a imbalance in the body and mind which can have devastating effects.

We all need more research to be done. Its almost 2014 and we still don't fully understand the workings of the female body, we don't know why hormones create such illusions and dysphoria in the brain. We don't know the root cause of PMDD (if there is one). There is research being done, all be it a few small studies here and there, but still not enough is known. The doctors don't understand it, and there are very few specialists. I'd like to point out that we are talking about the medical realm right now, so when I say doctors and specialists, I mean the people conventionally trained in conventional medicine. Doctors, more often than not, want to help, but they are in the dark too. They have drugs that are unlicensed for PMDD but treat conditions similar to PMDD, so that's what we get. They try, but always remember that the doctors are just ONE aspect or avenue to healing, and often, they are working with pharmaceutical companies pushing their products, getting people reliant on yet another expensive drug. They will look at PMDD ONE way, and often dismiss others.

Turning my back on medication was the best thing I ever did. Saying away from the health services unless absolutely necessary. This is my story, my reality, I am not suggesting anyone do the same. This is what's ended up silencing me so often. How do I share my healing and this amazing transition when it is so personal to me?

I think that people have their own realities and most tend to stay within certain ideals. If it is your belief that taking a pill can cure you, then maybe you will find peace or ways to manage PMDD by using medication. If your belief is that removing your womb will cure the problem then you are more likely to go for that option when your symptoms are out of control. If you believe that talking therapy and mind techniques such as CBT is the way then you may find that successful for you. You also have to factor in what 'pay offs' there are with each belief. Medication will most likely come with side effects. Surgery might mean HRT. Talking therapies may not help physical symptoms.

My belief is that my body can create illness. That the mind and body are closely interlinked and often, an illness in the body is connected to, maybe even created by the brain. If my dis-ease in the body is stemming from dis-ease in the brain then surely, healing the brain can heal the body? By healing the brain, or re-training the brain, we can break out of the cyclical patterns that PMDD can put us in. My life 5 years ago was chaotic (it still is.. but in a good way nowadays) There were many things going on that would make the sanest and strongest of women cry and feel like life wasn't worth living.

PMDD almost responds to how well you are living your life. For me, being really unwell is a measure of the stress in my life at that moment. I've spent 3 years observing my moods and monthly cycles. I am not free of mood swings, manic craziness and deep depression, but I am free of almost all of the negative self beliefs I held about myself, the extra nastiness that clings onto you after an 'episode'. I don't spend days beating myself up, telling myself how shit I am, convincing myself I am not loved or wanted like I used to. I get up, take a deep breath and get on with life again. I've manage to reduce the drama of PMDD. I'm learning how to communicate better, how to avert disaster by using the right words. Things that seem so simple, yet these simple things really have changed my life.

5 years ago I didn't really have any hopes for the future, I didn't know where I was going, what I wanted. Two young children and a mood disorder that seemed to ruin everything. I hated life. I guess it's something that all young mums go through at some point. The feeling like you'll never have a career, that the things you are interested in are at the bottom of the pile of importance. I was also in a terrible relationship and hadn't dealt with all my childhood stuff. Add PMDD symptoms at their worst and BAM, there I was. Now, it seems logical looking back, that my symptoms were at their worst because of the state my life was in, but you don't know when your are in that moment that this is the worst moment you'll ever have, or that things will even change. You get locked into a belief that things will stay the same forever, but that is the only thing of absolute certainty, everything changes, nothing stays the same.

I now live day to day with my 'PMDD'. On the most part I am fine, although I have noticed I seem to have 2 almighty crashes a year around spring and autumn, which corresponds to pre-ovulation (spring) and pre-menstruation (autumn). The only other times I crash is when life gets really stressful. Stress is relative. What I can cope with is different to what another can cope with. Life has been tough this year and I have had to test my methods against some really challenging situations. Thankfully, I came through it all, I survived, and any women PMDD or not, would have felt the pressure. When the darkness or craziness hits, I hold on. I know it will pass, I use the things I know will help me.

All this change however does mean saying goodbye to certain things. Blogging about my PMDD helped through the worst times. Writing articles and researching helped develop my understanding and open my mind to new ideas. Meeting so many lovely women through the blog and on Facebook has been the best return for the hours spent.

I now feel like I am well enough to start building a career, and wheels have been in motion for a while. PMDD and depression can mean you spend long periods of time looking at your life and working out what it is you want to do. I realised that I want my life to be about creating, about art, about teaching and living a mindful life. I don't want to spend my hours anymore focusing on PMDD in a way that pleases the masses. I don't want to have to try and explain myself to people who don't really care.
I worry that I will upset people, because my views have changed. I started a campaign to get PMDD recognised, because for that medical world, it NEEDS to be, but at the same time, I no longer want to carry the label. I use the label for society's sake, to give them something they can understand, but my inner belief is not that I have some terrible disorder that I have no control over. I have something that not many people can begin to comprehend. I have something that can actually be very useful to me.

Running the groups on FB and interacting with people on the community page can be really stressful. It takes my time and focus away from the positive things in my life, so these days I tend to limit my participation. I often feel bad for this, but I have to let go and move on. I find few people ready to even contemplate the possibility that they have the power to control and manage PMDD without meds, anything that I post that isn't mainstream gets jumped on, and my motives questioned. I have only ever been a Sharer Of Information! I share more things I have no personal interest in than things that I believe in... and this is where things have to change. I can't even stand the name of this blog anymore! MY PMDD! HA! I even claimed it as mine... well it isn't any longer.

I have to find my voice within the alternative PMDD realm and find the others like me. I have plans, but there is still some way to go, and my main priority is my art, spirituality and teaching. Thats what I want to spend my time on. I can no longer spend time on projects that feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. For now, I am in control and that means we go full steam ahead on projects. My cyclical energy still means I have downtime every month, but y'know, I think I'm healthier for it, and there are certainly less battles. I will write here occasionally, but the PMDD Awareness site is going to be taken down. I did it because I could, and because I thought it was needed and helpful, but I cannot maintain it and promote it. Anything I do from now on with regard to PMDD is gonna be a reflection of my beliefs and experiences, for other women out there who want to try managing their moods in an alternative way. This blog will stay as is and I may update from time to time to let you know about any new projects I may have in the future, but essentially, this is the end of an era.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.. Thank you for all the support you've all given me over the years, I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for each and every interaction I ever had through this blog and Facebook.

As always... thanks for reading.

Introducing Emma, Michelle, Amanda and The PMDD Project

Emma is active in helping to raise awareness of PMDD and has been brave enough to start creating vlogs about her experiences with PMDD.  She recently featured in her local newspaper in Sussex County NJ Herald sharing her story and plans to start a local PMDD group.  Emma also runs a support group on Facebook called PMDD Survivors.

Click below to watch the first in the series.

Michelle has been writing about her PMDD for a while now, and has been a trusted friend of mine for a while. She writes with humour and honesty over at her blog www.whyamihappy.blogspot.com and has also started creating video blogs as part of the PMDD project. Visit her Facebook page here

Amanda is the founder of Flurt! magazine and creator of The PMDD Project.  She has worked really hard to raise awareness of PMDD and feminist issues in Canada.  Amanda plans to use the videos created as part of The PMDD Project to create a documentary about PMDD.  To find out more, watch the vlog below or visit the YouTube page.  Find The PMDD Project on Facebook.




It's so wonderful to see more women step forward and help raise awareness... It's not easy putting yourself out there, as I know only too well, so every women brave enough to tell their story in an attempt to help others deserves a round of applause in my book! Maybe one day I might be brave enough to talk to a camera! until then go and give these lovely ladies a visit... and remember to say hi!

The Menstrual Cycle - A Visual Guide

It never ceases to amaze me how many women don't really know what is going in inside their bodies during the menstrual cycle, or how to chart their cycle.  I don't mean that in an unkind way, it's just an observation.  Knowledge is the best tool you can have, and if you suffer with PMDD you need to do a bit of reading and get some of that valuable knowledge under you belt.  It will help as you try and figure out what happens at what point of your cycle, and having an idea of the physical changes inside you can really help.

Over the years I have come across videos and charts which have helped me to understand the changes my body goes through.  That understanding, in turn, led me to look for ways to support the changes rather than fight against them.  Timing and planning things around the different energies is now second nature.  Knowing my limits at each point of the cycle has really helped me live with PMDD.  I have the odd breakdown, but I am much more in control on a regular basis during all points of my cyclical changes.  That to me is like winning the lottery.

I decided to create a chart just for PMDD/PMS sufferers to refer to.  It shows the fluctuations in hormones, the physical changes, and the energetic/emotional changes.  Hopefully it will give you a good idea as to what is happening in side you when all hell breaks loose!  It also has key words to give you a feel for the natural energy of each phase..

I will go into the seasonal correspondences in another post, but it's quite easy to connect with.  Our energy grows after our period, peaks at ovulation and then slowly wanes until we bleed again. You can see this cycle happen in nature every year.  We have like a mini years worth of seasons in one month!  I have blogged about these theories before, you can find some of them here and here.  I also created a poster about these energies which you can find here -  http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/p/energy-cycle-poster.html.

We get all stressed out about feeling low, tired or crabby, but if we are pre menstrual or hitting ovulation there is a simple explanation!  Hormonal changes!  If you are still having trouble during the times when the hormones level out and are not finding yourself feeling better, then maybe there are other issues at play.  PMDD will drag you down during pre menstruation and in some cases, at ovulation too.  You should always feel better at each point between to two, but if you are not, you may need to look at whether your unhappiness/frustration is coming from a depression, an unsuitable job, an unhappy relationship, a past trauma or issue that hasn't been resolved.  PMDD plays a huge part in our emotional wellbeing, but it's not the only factor.  Stress and unresolved issues can add to the pressure and make an uncontrollable outburst more likely.

Here is the chart.  It clearly shows the fluctuations and changes the body goes through.  I have added where the PMDD crisis points are, along with the seasons of the year and key words that can give you an idea of the energies present during each phase.  Hopefully it is simple enough to understand, and below, is a written explanation.  Again, I hope I have written it in such a way that it is easy to understand.  I have read many a medical site that uses such technical words that it gets too complicated to understand!

To chart your periods, you start counting on the first day of bleeding.  That is day 1.  You keep counting until you bleed again and the again, the first day of bleeding becomes day 1.  Mark it on a calendar or use an app to keep track of your period.  This helps you to plan around your period by not taking on too much during the times that could be challenging.  I often count forward and also mark day 7, 14, 21 and 28.   That then gives me a quick view of where I will be emotionally and physically throughout the month.  Lots of cycles are longer or shorter, and that is normal.  28 days is just the average.  Ovulation always occurs around 14 days before your period, so if you have a short cycle, say, 21 days, you will ovulate on day 7.. if it is a longer cycle, say 32 days, you will ovulate around day 18.  It IS possible to ovulate twice in a month and to not ovulate at all.

The menstrual cycle is split into 3 phases, follicular, ovulation and luteal. The first phase is the follicular phase and corresponds to when the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone, produced in the brain) sends signals to the ovary to ripen and produce and egg.. This then produces more estrogen from the ovaries to enable the egg to ripen.. At ovulation, increasing estrogen levels from the maturing follicles cause the LH, luteinizing hormone, to surge, which releases the egg. The corpus luteum (a solid body of cells) is left behind at ovulation. The corpus luteum excretes progesterone and small amounts of estrogen and causes the womb lining to thicken in preparation for the egg. This is called the luteal phase. It prepares the body for pregnancy. During the luteal phase, estrogen drops quite rapidly and will fluctuate until your period. At the same time, progesterone is rising. It spikes around day 21, and then drops off rapidly. When the egg is not fertilised, the corpus luteum dies and stops producing progesterone and estrogen, this allows the womb to shed it's lining and cleanse the uterus.

The other hormones involved are those that are produced in the brain that send signals to the ovaries.  Gonadotropic hormones come from the pituitary glad in the brain.  They are controlled by GnRH frequencies that send out pulses to regulate the production of gonadotropic hormones.  In men, this pulse is contstant and steady.  In women, the frequencies change throughout the cycle which is what gives us a cycle that changes and fluctuates.  The change in frequency is what sends out the right amount of gonadotropic hormones to our ovaries to trigger the stages of the menstrual cycle.

The basal body temperature can help clearly indicate ovulation and is important for those trying to conceive or who use the fertility awareness method of contraception.  By orally taking your temperature every morning as soon as you wake (before even getting out of bed) and keeping a record, you will see a drop in temperature at ovulation and then it will rise from around 36.4°F to 36.7°F.  Other signs of ovulation is the consistency of cervical mucus.  At ovulation, this mucus will be fluid and watery.  Some women can tell they are ovulating just by how wet or moist they get.  This fluid helps sperm to swim more easily into the womb.  After ovulation, the cervical mucus will get thicker and more sticky.  This is much harder for the sperm to swim through, which helps with contraception.  For more info on the fertility awareness method and charting temperature, take a look at TCOYF.  Some women do also experience pain at ovulation.  Stabbing sharp pains on either the left or right side can signify which ovary you are ovulating from!  They are known as mittelschmerz.

By having even a basic understanding of the physiology of the menstrual cycle, you can get to grips with why we experience these changes in mind and body.  This is the physical process, but we all know that these changes DO have a significant effect on our mental health, moods and wellbeing. 

When you really learn and come to terms with the fact that our bodily processes are pretty much out of our hands.. meaning, we cannot stop them, (unless we control them with birth control/hormone therapy or hysterectomy) but we can start to look at ways of how to live and work WITH them.  Of course, we can influence our bodily functions.  By eating and sleeping right, exercising and staying away from stress we can encourage a healthier system... 

Never underestimate stress.  Stress can knock out these physical rhythms, causing the cycle to become off balance.  This can lead to irregular periods, changes in cycle length, missing or late periods and all manner of emotional symptoms.

I have produced an alternate version of this chart to share on Facebook, and may look at getting some printed for those who would like a hard copy to stick up at home...  If you are interested in buying a copy, please message me via my Facebook page or use my Kontactr box. 

Chart is for illustrative purposes only and includes the main factors responsible for the menstrual cycle.  There are obviously other smaller players on the menstrual stage, but for the purposes of PMDD education, I have focused on the star performers!

If you choose to download and share, please link back to me and do not remove my copyright from the image.  Please contact me if you wish to re blog, so I can give you a shout out in return!  Thank you. xx

© Cat Hawkins 2012 - Art and design by chaoticat.com.

Positive or Negative?

There has been some chat in the support group recently about positivity and negativity.  Support groups (and I mean any, not just mine) can be negative places and I mean negative in that most of what is discussed originates from a post that may be very negatively worded.

I started the groups on Facebook mainly because that was where I met other sufferers, for the first time, only a lot of the time I found myself not feeling comfortable sharing on an open wall for all to see.  Hence my closed groups were born.  This meant for me and many others that we had somewhere to write about our problems and worries, somewhere to rant and vent.  This often avoided the same rants or venting on personal pages, allowing people to seek help from an audience that completely understood why that person was having issues.  The problem with ranting to friends or in front of family is that quite often they do not really understand PMDD and therefore can assume all manner of things about the PMDD sufferer.

Lots of valuable information is shared in the groups, and over the past 2 years I have seen women find treatments and paths that have helped them manage their PMDD and lives to the point of leaving the groups never to return.   Some leave and come back after realising they are not quite ready to go it alone.  Having access to a group of women who completely understand really helps to transform the way you see PMDD, the way you see yourself and the world around you.

I have tried to make the groups a positive place, and many women post lots of positive messages, or update us on the good days as well as the bad, however, many feel they should not share the good days for fear of upsetting those on bad days.  Some may wonder if we are all just dwelling on it too much and keeping ourselves in a space of pain and hurt.  The way I see it is we all need support to find our path.  Some ladies may find that just a few kind words can transform their day, but the only way they are going to get a response is to share the negative situation they find themselves in.  Some ladies may only need the support of a group for a couple of months, some may need a couple of years.  This difference is because we are all unique and are at various points on our healing paths.

I think it's OK to have a space that absorbs all the negative.  Writing things down is known to be a good way to transform thoughts into something more tangible, real.  That way we can then release them.  I used to worry and dislike the way the Facebook wall works.  I was used to forums where you could go back on old posts and comments, and I could see (and still do) some really useful ways a forum could work, aside from the fact people wouldn't have to repeat themselves or have the same discussion over and over, and women could also look back and see how far they've come, or find past posts easier.  Unfortunately, the FB wall doesn't lend itself to this very well... it's a dumping ground.  The good thing about this however, is we are NOT reminded of the bad days all the time, the past is the past and is rarely brought back up for re-discussion.  This is good with regard to PMDD as we have these crazy, dark moments, but they are not us.. they may be typed up, posted, talked about and then are lost to the wall and we move on.

Each and every individual needs to take responsibility for themselves and their own healing, whether that includes meds or not.  I have always said the groups should not be a stress to anyone, and that if the negativity in the group is something that is causing you problems then you may need to take a break from the group (just like in life, really).  Many women only visit the group when they need to rant, or some may visit if they see a cry for help and they are strong enough to post a reply.  The support groups as they are work because they are really for one thing only, and that is to talk with other sufferers and find some understanding and sympathy.

What I would like to highlight though, is the power of negative words.  I think this is something all people should consider, but maybe women with PMDD more so.   

Last year, in our house, we tried The Big Apple Experiment.  You cut an apple in half and place it in identical glass, airtight jars, and then over the coming week/s you love one half and hate the other.

It was VERY easy to hate the hate half of the apple.  There was no trouble with finding hateful, hurtful things to say to that half of the apple.  My husband and I could rant at it for a while before running out of things to say, yet, when it came to saying lovely things to the other half, we all found it harder.  It even felt OK to hate, but when we tried to say loving things, it was not easy to find the words and we'd feel uncomfortable about expressing it.  What does that say about us?  Why do we not feel comfortable with speaking words of love and happiness?

Over the coming weeks we continued to talk to each half of the apple every day and the results were amazing.

You may be hugely skeptical, and if you are, I urge you to try it!  It's a great thing to do with the children to teach them about how their words can affect others, but it's also an eye opener as to what we may be doing to ourselves when we talk negatively about ourselves.  There is a lot of self hatred that goes on within PMDD groups, and of course, others will always give a hug and some reassuring words, but just LOOK at what you are potentially doing to yourself with negative words and thoughts.  These ideas, as mentioned in the video above, come from Masuru Emoto's work, which some of you may like to take a look at, and I also found another video!

It is good to rid yourself of negative emotions, we know that, however, when we see what that negativity can do to us and the people around us I think we all need to be more selective with our words, especially with the things we say to ourselves.  It's not about being all fluffy bunny and irritatingly positive all the time, but maybe finding more positive ways to look at things, and watching what you SAY and think.  Words have a massive impact on us, much more that we really realise.

As always, in the name of balance, I am also sharing a link with you which explores why positive thinking is NOT necessarily always good for you!  It's all great food for thought, and hopefully, somewhere in all this mornings ramblings, you may find something that helps you! http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creativity-and-personal-mastery/201004/why-positive-thinking-is-bad-you

The most important change I have made in my life with PMDD is that things are not BAD or GOOD.. POSITIVE or NEGATIVE... there are gifts to be found in the darkest of moments, there is positivity to be found even in the most awful situations.  I do not have good and bad weeks anymore, I have better weeks and more challenging weeks, or high energy weeks and low energy weeks.  I no longer allow myself to get sucked into self hatred and speaking terrible things at myself in the mirror.  I also curb what I say about others, knowing that that negative energy could find them and cause more rifts and friction.  In many spiritual traditions there is a Law of Three, or Threefold law.  That which you give out comes back to you 3 times over.  Some call it Karma.  If you give out positivity, you get back more positivity, and the same works for negativity.

So, in summary, there is a place for the support groups.  Somewhere to rant, rage, hate, let off steam, expel anger and meet others who can understand and share their experiences without judgement, however each and every one of us is responsible for their own lives, happiness, healing and well being.  No one can cure you, no one can save you, no one can make it all better with the swish of a wand, but we all have the ability to make life easier for ourselves, to break bad habits and try and see ourselves and situations from a different perspective.   

When I was at Uni, there was a lad who only drew in red.  Everything he did was created in red.  He was a bit worried about it, as he didn't want to lose marks.  The tutor was brilliant and said something that stuck with me ever since.. He said that the lad should go with it.. just work in red until the desire to work in red has gone.  At some point in the future he will get fed up with red and change to a different colour, but there was no point in trying to force it.  That's how I see the groups.  Women need it for a certain amount of time, they need a space to moan and offload, but that wont necessarily last forever, and in time, they will change the colour, or add colours, until they are off painting with all the colours the world has to offer.

Draw in red for a while, if that's what you need...  one day, you will change the colour, you will move on, you will change...  You may feel at the bottom of a deep dark pit, that everything you say is negative and then that in turn fuels MORE negativity, you may feel there is no way out, that you will always be like this, but you wont...  Nothing ever stays the same!

XX

Happy Birthday!

PMDD Support is 2 years old today! Happy Birthday!

I clicked the create button two years ago on a group (PMDD Support) I was hoping would introduce me and allow me to talk to other PMDD sufferers. A few months later we went up to two groups (PMDD Support 2). Then the PMDD Support Red Tent was created... The family and friends group has come and gone.. but on the whole I feel very proud that the groups are still attracting members and that discussion is still going on.

Life has changed dramatically for me since I first created the groups. I was a very different person. Still on meds, still trying to deal with the fact the injection was unsuccessful, desperate for information, for friendship, for anyone to listen and understand what was going on. I was still getting over the effects of a negative relationship and trying to build a new one. Over the past 2 years I have met some incredible women, some who are still in the groups and some who aren't. It's been awesome to see women learning, figuring themselves out, figuring out how to manage their PMDD, what works, what doesn't... gaining support from others who understand. I've seen women who are so down on themselves, thinking they are the worlds worst.. who then write a lovely supportive post to someone else... showing so much compassion and understanding.

We are far from the nasty, stressed out, angry, crazy women we see ourselves as. We are strong, we have the capacity to feel the deepest emotions.. in our own healing paths we HAVE to learn about ourselves. If we try and carry on blind to our own needs, we see ourselves becoming more unwell. All in all we become the women who dance with the darkness, who learn to control themselves, who inspire others to keep on. If we can do it, what's the problem with everyone else?

We are picky with who and what we spend our time on, we know how precious those moments are. We have to learn how to 'not sweat the small stuff'.. we become the ones who understand ourselves better than anyone else ever could, and with that we CAN have happier and more successful lives

With the support I have found in the groups, I have been able to take on more groups, I have been encouraged and inspired to write blogs. I have found much better ways of communicating with my man, I got married!! I continued the PMDD campaign. I have come off all medications. I found a way that worked for me.. ideas that made sense, a way of understanding PMDD that helped me to heal.. I have had almost 2 cycles of barely any mental/emotional symptoms.. I have many projects on the go.. I even earned a little from my art recently! Things can change, in fact things ALWAYS change. Of that we can always be certain. So no matter how you are feeling today, know that life is ever flowing, ever changing.. if you are feeling good, it is possible to feel even better. If you are feeling low, it is possible and most likely, that you WILL feel better again.

Sending love to you all today (and a virtual slice of birthday cake!)

Cat xx

28 Days Poster

The idea came to me last night...

Here is my 28 Days painting, with a little magic from Photoshop, turned into a spot the difference style poster!

This painting always makes me giggle, so it's nice to have found a use to share it more.

Come on over to Facebook to share from one of my pages...

www.facebook.com/meetmypmdd
www.facebook.com/pmddawarenessuk

(c) Cat Hawkins - www.chaoticat.com

PMS AWARENESS WEEK STARTS NOW!

Well.. 24 hours ago actually but lets just say my day has been challenging!

Thankfully though, I had just enough energy left to finish what I had planned to do today.

So here are some more images to share for PMS Awareness Week 2012.

If you like them and share them, please come and give my page a LIKE over on Facebook.

If you fancy helping raise awareness and feel like giving a few leaflets out to local surgeries and health centers, give NAPS a call, they can send you some 'official' leaflets. Click here to go to NAPS.
 

(c) Cat Hawkins - www.chaoticat.com

PMS AWARENESS WEEK 2012

Next week, on the 13th October 2012, we see another PMS Awareness Week in the UK.

It is run by NAPS - The National Association of Pre Menstrual Syndrome.  Many women end up on their site looking for information, and they have a great team of people behind them, including PMDD specialists.  You can find them at www.pms.org.uk.  They are a small charity and rely on others helping to raise awareness and organise events.

If you would like to join in with the event, please follow this link www.facebook.com/events/266378583482849/ .  Even if you don't live in the UK, you can participate by making this the week that you talk to someone about your PMDD.  Raise awareness in whatever small way you can.  If you really want to organise an event and try and raise some cash for NAPS or just awareness, then go for it!  give them a call and see what promotional material you can get.

It was PMS Awareness Week two years ago that got the ball rolling.  I wrote to the local paper and asked if they were covering anything for PMS week and if they would like to hear my story.

I didn't hear back for a couple of months, and PMS Week was firmly in the past, but they did contact me, and I bravely/madly/insanely told my story to the local paper.  It was that story that led me to start the PMDD Support groups, that now stand at 4 groups on Facebook.

Last year, I created a small image to be passed around on Facebook to raise awareness, and this year, I was asked to do the same again.

If you are on Facebook, please follow this link to share the images.. and don't forget to give my page a LIKE while you are there!  www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.277344152377226.57370.242797265831915&type=1&l=1b6b440936

I ended up creating a couple of more informative posters too, as it's been something I'd thought about doing a while ago (and the whim took me!).  Feel free to use and share, just please keep my copyright and web address on them...  I may not make any money from the work I do, but I spend a lot of time creating these things!

 

(c) Cat Hawkins - www.chaoticat.com

5 Years old

I was planning on a big announcement on Sunday (30th September) that Meet my PMDD - Moods and Musings blog is now 5 years old, but I've been having a really tough time recently and haven't been up to blogging.  The ideas still flow, but the desire to write has left me at the moment.

During my few good days last week, I had felt proud and happy that the blog had been going that long, and that I now have so many lovely readers and chat to so many amazing women that have found me through this little page.

But since my mood dropped again (ovulation today) I find it increasingly hard to be positive or happy about anything.  FIVE years...  SO much has happened in that time.. and it makes me realise how much pain I've gone through since 2007.. only, things didn't start going bad then.. they had been bad for a long. long time.  I've been blogging for about 10 years (back in the day I used Diary X) and have had PMDD for 22 years now.

It was cathartic.  It was healing.  It was wallowing.  It was release.  It was my place to say what I thought.  I have realised that I have a strong desire to write, and I've also discovered that I write pretty well.  Things I never would have believed of myself before.

Many times I have wanted to give up.  In the destructive moments, I've wanted to delete the whole blog and forget about it.  Like ripping up a painting in hatred of all it represents, but I've managed to restrain myself, wait a few days, then get back in the writing saddle.

I don't know where I am right now.  I feel lost.  I don't know where I'm heading or even where I want to be heading.  I had plans of doing a course this winter.  I was sure that if I had something to work towards, something to focus on I would get through the winter without all the problems that usually arise at this time of year.  I would come out in Spring/Summer 2013 with new ideas, a certificate behind me and a ton of new experiences... only, I couldn't raise the cash to do the course, and with a heavy heart, I had to come to terms with the fact it wasn't going to happen.  This has thrown me off course.  I had my heart set on this training, these experiences.. having something to focus on, but it is not an option now.  I've missed the boat again.

So now, I am floating about.  I have lost all my desire to create, which is like losing the desire to breathe. I've been surfing the web for something that will trigger a creative response, but nothing has come yet.  I've tried reading, I've tried thinking, resting, cooking, giving up all the thoughts to just sit mindlessly in front of the TV.  Still no urges to DO anything.

I don't know what's happening.  I can only hope and pray everyday that I will feel better soon.  The past month has already been tough.  Only 2 weeks ago I had another full blown breakdown.  Called crisis team and my husband had to come home from work.  I felt like I was losing my mind.  Dreaming up ways to try and escape for over 24 hours.  Staying in bed because it was the safest option.  Feeling so volatile that I didn't know what I might be capable of.  Why now?  Why am I going through this again?  Did I take a wrong turn?

The reality is that in the past 4 months, my partner moved in, I got married, we went straight into summer holidays and now everyone's back to work, school and college.  MASSIVE life changes for anyone...  but I feel left behind.  I feel like life is passing me by and I will never be anything more than the PMDD.  I still need to finish my PMDD book, I have a load of art I've been asked to create, a new website to finish, I have nothing that will bring in an income, and am stuck in my house 24/7 and the wheel is spinning faster than ever into winter.

Anyway...

Thank you to all who read, share my links and come and connect with me on Facebook.  I wonder if I will still be here writing about my PMDD in 2017!  weirdly, let's hope not!

Meet my PMDD Facebook page

I now (finally) have a Facebook page for this blog.  If you are on Facebook and would like to keep up with blog posts from there, please come and like my page!

https://www.facebook.com/meetmypmdd

PMDD Posters!

In the KEEP CALM style that is so popular, I have created some simple web posters for you to use!

I hope you like them!  Feel free to copy/download and share, just please don't remove my website address.

If you can think of any other good ones, let me know in the comments below!  I can make more!

        

        

All design by Cat Stone 2012.

Happy New Year!

Many blessings for 2012!

Thank you for all your support in 2011.
Wishing you all a very merry New Years Eve!

Keep on keeping on!

Cat xx

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan, 'press on' has solved, and always will solve, the problems of the human race."Calvin Coolidge

Facebook - A REALITY CHECK!!

Some thoughts on PMDD and Facebook....

So, those of you in their 30's, like me, remember the internet growing from an amazing idea that 'one day, everyone could have the internet in their own home', to what now seems to be something that's integral to everyone's day to day life.

I remember getting the internet for the first time. I was living with my husband and had just had my first child. In those days, I would email occasionally, download free screensavers and visit the odd website. Looking back, the internet then was like one of those huge shopping centres that open up. Full of potential, but only half the shops are occupied and going there feels like a waste of time.

Over the years, I have become more hooked, and have blogged on various sites, attempted to build and run websites and participated on online forums. Before Facebook, I would use chat rooms to meet new people online... The net then, was still quite a lonely place to be unless you had lots of real life friends online too.

After my marriage ended at the ripe old age of 25, I found myself tied to the house with a 3 year old. There was no company, not much of a social life, so blogging, chatting and uploading my artwork to various sites kept me busy. The internet became my friend, my outlet and 'hobby'.

Then came Facebook.

I was a late joiner and an even later user. I sat on Facebook not knowing what to do for about a year.... I found a few school friends, and it was nice to get in touch, but there was a reason you lost touch with around 90% of your school mates in the first place. You make friends at school because you are stuck there with them everyday.. they may live near you and share the same bus. It doesn't mean you will actually really get on that well, like them, or want to stay in touch for the rest of your lives. For some, revisiting the old school days can bring up painful emotions and memories you'd rather not be reminding of.

I was considering deleting my profile but then I searched for my half brother who I'd only ever met once, and I found him! It was through meeting my half brother and sister on Facebook that I became a fan. It was my window into their world, it was a way of staying in contact. I had a reason to stay on Facebook!

I've never been very good at staying in touch. The PMDD means there are a whole other bag of issues surrounding trust and friendships. And lets face it, before email and Facebook, how many letters did you write to stay in touch with people?  

How often did you use the phone to call up random people from your past? It all requires effort, and nowadays Facebook is the laziest option.

As a sufferer of PMDD, I was then faced with all sorts of new emotions to deal with.

I had experienced similar stuff before as a member of a busy online forum. Sometimes people would say horrible stuff, or delete you, and you are left with a weird mixture of emotions over someone you don't even know in the real world. On Facebook, this is even more prevalent.

PMDD does crazy things to your mind and perceptions. What 'normal' clear headed 'you' would shrug off, the PMDD'ing 'you', feels, like a stab in the heart. Someone deletes your friendship, deletes a comment, argues or even worse.. blocks you... it can cause a premenstrual mind to implode with all manner of negative feeling and thoughts.... then the paranoia and awkwardness sets in... do I ask why? Should I contact them? They must hate me.. I'm so horrible... etc

Facebook does provide a shoutbox to the world, and this is mostly, a good thing. Unfortunately though, during PMDD rages, outbursts or breakdowns, it can be a volatile place to be. Status messages, so commonly cause a whole string of issues. In the dysphoric PMDD state, you may post something really out of order, you may even know it's out of order, but, something pushes you to do it anyway.. YOU DONT CARE... it's gotta be said... I want everyone to know... whatever...

We then have to deal with comments back. In a PMDD rage, sometimes kind comments will enrage you further (depending on who they come from), negative comments will make you feel like crap, and some people (like other PMDD or depression sufferers you have in your friends list) might even encourage you to feel worse by joining in with your misery... None of which are beneficial to you calming down and riding the wave till the feeling subsides, in fact, all it does is aggravate the situations.

Before Facebook, addressing the world like this would not have even been possible!

You will cause yourself more pain and stress if you use Facebook statuses to share your woe's. How many people in your friends list really care? How many do you know in real life? How many do you actually really like and want to always keep in your life?

When I feel I am about to write something that is unnecessary, I will sit for a moment and consider what it says.. is it directed at someone? If it is, that's not fair... If it's something really negative.. do people really need to see it? All you are doing is perpetuating the feeling, or even worse, lighting a firework that might blow at any point, and probably up in your face, leaving you feeling really stupid, hurt, and guilty.

You are better off writing it all out and posting it to a support group, or direct to one of your more trusted friends. Striking up a conversation with someone, asking for help or sharing is far more productive then moaning to a crowd... of which only a few are even listening..

If you desperately want to post how bad you are feeling to the world, then have a little image search first.. find a picture that describes how you feel, a photograph, a drawing.. maybe you might find a quote that sums it up, or words from a poem. Share in it a different form. Help it evolve from raw, angry destructive emotion into something more beautiful and creative. Post a video of a song that describes the feeling...

Facebook is a great thing.. but you HAVE to look after yourselves. If Facebook becomes a source of more angst and problems, then it's time to get a reality check. If you can't use it without freaking out, getting upset, destroying relationships and friendships then take a break. 

If it causes you to spiral into negative thinking patterns about how unpopular you are, how much everyone hates you, how useless you are etc, then get the hell off the net and go take a walk, have a bath and bring your focus back to your real life, your real friends and family and well.. REALITY!!

We never had Facebook before... we never had to see what the girl who sat next to us in maths wore on her wedding day, we've never had hundreds of peoples lives there, in front of us, for us to compare to, scrutinise, and be jealous of. The fact that we let Facebook become such a source of emotion is worrying, and if you suffer with mental health problems, it can bring up a minefield of negative emotions. We have to be in control. No-one can monitor our use but us. No-one can turn off the computer for you and make you do something else instead. You have to take responsibility. If you are having a really bad time, and Facebook starts upsetting you... then recognise that, recognise that NOW is not a good time to be logged in. Take a break for a bit.. visit some other websites... move away from social interaction when you know there's a storm brewing.

I'm sure, most women with PMDD will know the feeling of hitting a friend with a statement that you know is gonna cause trouble. You have to remember that our bolts out of the blue, of our truth at that moment is usually a shock to others and they will obviously react accordingly (unless they REALLY know you). We are then left with a mess to clear up, or a ruined friendship and feelings of being a horrible human being.... The easiest way to avoid this, is to avoid Facebook at this time, at least, avoid posting negative status messages and learn some restraint and control when you want to share a negative state of feeling. Be creative!

Here's a little thought for you...

What if the plug to the internet was pulled tomorrow? What if you woke up and the net wasn't there? What if there was NO FACEBOOK?!!

Who would you share with? Who would you go to to talk with? What would you do with yourself?

It's good to spend time in real life! Facebook is a virtual reality... It has it's benefits, and can be a source of fun and entertainment, but it isnt REAL. It's a cyberworld of people, most of whom you haven't met, and full of unreal situations and stressors.

Look after yourself, don't let the PMDD ruin things just because the platform exists to do so. Switch off the laptop and go somewhere nice... visit someone local, bake, walk... create, spend your time differently when you feel crap... you can always take photo's of your journeys and creations and upload them when you feel better! I mean.. if it really did happen, if for what ever reason we lost our internet world tomorrow, what would you have? Who would you have?

It's good to keep a foot in the 'real world'. Pretend the internet doesn't exist for a day!