We pretend to be strong because we are weak.

“We pretend to be strong because we are weak.”
― Paulo Coelho

I'm waiting to bleed, it's day 28.

I find myself crying again, I can feel the rush of hormones. My man asks if I'm OK...

A year or so ago, I may have flown into a rage, angry over being asked. I may have just gone quiet and said, I'm fine, or leave me alone. Nowadays, I dive into his arms and cry into is chest. I accept his love, his concern and feel better for a hug and his understanding when I am feeling like my world is about to be upturned.

This got me thinking (especially as I am in pre-menstrual thinking overdrive).

Women with PMDD deal with an extreme amount of rage, anger, self loathing and fear. We feel weak and inadequate. We cannot deal with the same amount of stress that other people can.

Society tells us that as women, we should be able to handle everything life throws at us and cope with it all. There has been a big deal made out of women needing to be as strong as their male counterparts. Equal in every way.... except, we aren't.

Women may feel that they cannot possibly show weakness. They cannot let on to their partners, family, work colleagues that they are finding things hard. This happens to all women to some extent, but with PMDD, it's much more extreme, as the hormones seem to take over and control us. The false moods and irrational thoughts leave us feeling out of control, weak and unable to complete the simplest of tasks.

What happens when we feel inadequate? If we can't over compensate by becoming super woman to prove we are just as good as the men, or other more stable women, then we end up feeling frustrated at ourselves, and our situation. We end up angry and full of fight.. defensive. Even with the people we love. We don't want them to see our weaknesses. We don't want them to have to 'look after us' as that makes us far from the strong independent capable women that society says we should be.

I found this article. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201107/the-greatest-weakness-strong-women It's got nothing to do with PMDD, but tells the story of a high powered business woman who finally let down her defenses to save her relationship. As I read, I realised even more that showing weakness is hard for every woman, but to do so can actually help save floundering relationships and bring people closer together.

I look back over my own life and my own PMDD story and find the fight and defensiveness there at every turn. Right from a child, I knew that to cry in public was a sign of weakness, and that to get on in the world we have to be able to do what the men do. Work, earn, provide... I was always embarrassed by my mother's ability to sob in public, she would cry at the drop of a hat, especially to an emotional song or film, and quite often, I would feel the lump in my throat and the tears building, but I would not allow myself to cry. Cry baby. Soppy cow. Why are are you crying? I often had no explanation to explain why I felt like crying, and didn't want to answer that question. I have always avoided films and music that are liable to make me cry. 

In my youth, I turned to Heavy Metal music, especially the stuff sung (or screamed) by women. I wanted nothing more than to experience those strong emotions. The 'fuck you' of a woman screaming and roaring as good as any man. The lack of tears, the abundance of hate and anger. I related. I felt it made me strong and equal. Another mask to put on to the world. Men often became a target in the lyrics, with one of my favourite female bands (Otep) even writing a song called 'Menocide'. Yet now, that kinda turns my stomach, for there is nothing gained in the pendulum swinging all the way over to the other side. At the time it fed my need to be strong, to be like a man. When women act like men, what do the men do? When women are downing pints and shots at the pub alongside their male peers, fighting and brawling in the street, what do men see? Women? Or women who are more like their male friends? In which case, why should they treat us like women, when we don't act like one?

During PMDD days, I can sob at an advert, or a situation in a soap opera. I still feel that shame. I still feel embarrassed. Although, I am working on that. There IS no shame in feeling emotion. There is no shame in feeling so deep that a song, or lyrics send you into a tearful mess. There is no shame in admitting that you feel low, or for even crying when there appears to be no reason for it.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving 

During my PMDD weepiness, I may be crying for all the pain I've ever felt in my life, for all the pain my ancestors may have gone through. I may be crying for all the cruelty and poverty there is in the world. I may be crying just because I need to cry. Why should I feel shame for that?

Menstruation connects us to a deeper place. It connects us to our ancestors and can bring about great insight and learning. Women ARE more sensitive at this time. FACT.

The shame and embarrassment brings on a reaction of needing to cover it. I don't want people to think I am weak, over sensitive, over emotional or stupid. How can I explain the tears?

Men don't do this. I am highlighting our gender differences. Maybe I am letting the feminist side down. I am weak and giving men a reason to see me (women) as weak.

Women sometimes cry easier in the presence of another woman. A close friend or aunt may console us. We know that we sometimes need to 'let it all out', but to do that in front of a man? When most men feel uncomfortable with that amount of emotion pouring out from the soul? To do that in front of our partners and husbands? That seems alien to a lot of us, despite both parties claiming to love one another.

This need to remain strong and collected in front of our men is what brings about the complete opposite in emotions. We don't want them to see us a weak. We don't want to admit we need them to protect us and keep us safe. With equality and all the blurred lines between male and female roles, men just don't know what to do, and if we are pushing them away and denying them the chance to protect and show us compassion, we are then stealing away their opportunity to fulfil their role within the relationship.

Ladies with PMDD often end up directing all this anger and frustration at their partners as a smoke screen. We overcompensate and allow ourselves to become strong, so strong we are fierce and aggressive. We are like crazed warriors about to go into battle. Only there is no battle. There is someone we love who desperately wants to help, who wants to be able to 'do something' to make it all better. We fight them, because to allow them to help, to allow ourselves to fall into their arms and cry and say we can't cope right now is to show them we are weak, and with that brings about a whole manner of inadequacies that appear to no longer be socially acceptable.

'Other women cope' Other women manage to hold down a job, have kids, study, cook, clean and stay sane all month long so why not me/us? We feel that our PMDD makes us inferior.  It doesn't. It makes us different. It makes us super sensitive. If women with PMDD can embrace this aspect and shake off the stigma of showing signs of weakness the anger is calmed. As I type this, so many memories come to mind. I can feel the tickle in my nose, the tears building up. Have no reason to be crying right now, yet the tears want to come.

As a woman, I am an emotional being. I want to fully embrace what it is to be a woman. The past 2 years have seen me stop fighting. I accept, I surrender, I have learned to feel comfortable crying around my man. I go with the flow and allow safe passage to whatever needs to manifest. Who am I to censor myself? Who am I to curb, halt, or stop the feelings that need to flow?

It is no wonder we have come to be like this. In days gone by, women with PMDD would have been called Witches. Demonic. We would have been misunderstood as being possessed by the devil and locked up in asylums... another reason to want to stay secret, to hide away, to remain anonymous. Women have undergone so many terrible punishments for being female. Showing any sign of intuition became labelled as witchcraft or possession. Hundreds of thousands of women died during the witch trials, who were no more than healers, midwives, herbalists and quite possibly women with PMDD, women who were sensitive to their hormones, who felt the rages and let them out, who acted as if they were possessed by a demon. I know that some of my tears must be for them, and my ancestors, some of which must surely have been caught up in the terror. In the UK, it is a mere 61 years since the repeal of the Witchcraft Act, yet to this day, in many other countries, women still face charges like this, often with the penalty of death.

So in many ways it is no wonder there is a such a stigma attached to women with mood disorders, whether they use their intuitive abilities or not, the outward signs of PMDD are frowned upon and still come with a hefty amount of shame, guilt and penalties for not being consistently able to live like everyone else.

Women need to reclaim what it is to be a women. We need to celebrate out difference, and not feel ashamed to embrace our feminine nature. Next time you fight with your partner, just stop for a second and ask yourself why you are fighting. Is there a legitimate reason to be fronting up to your partner? Or deep down, do you really just need a big hug and some reassurance that everything will be OK?

I can't being to describe how much this has helped my relationship. After swearing I would never marry again, I find myself a wife once more. My husband is not my enemy. My husband can provide me with protection, with love, with safety from everything else that is bad in the world. I am lucky to have such a man, who accepts his male role, however strange it may seem to others. But this is only possible because I allow him to take on that role. I trust him enough to let him see me during my weak moments. He doesn't expect me to be strong all the time. He doesn't value me any less because I have these moments. By blowing away the smoke screen, the façade, the pretence that I am 'fine' all the time, we have been able to develop a much closer relationship.

My hope is that more women, especially the ones who suffer with PMDD will begin to embrace what it really means to be female, and find strength in what other perceive to be weakness. It is not a weakness if you need to take time out, if you need a break, to cry, to sleep, or to dream. It is not a weakness if you are string enough to be honest.  Honesty is by far the strongest action, and to admit you need help, love, a hug, is to put out the raging fire and unite with someone in a warm glow of friendship, companionship, compassion and love.

“We are all travellers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

“Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn't make you nice, it just makes you a liar.”
― Jenny O'Connell

“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.”
― Alan Moore, (V for Vendetta)

“Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking the truth from her heart.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it.”
― Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn)

All quotes from http://www.goodreads.com

©Cat Hawkins 2012

PMDD and accountability

What is accountability?

In a nutshell it is about being responsible for your actions.

I recently had a friend of mine email me for support because she was getting a hard time from other PMDD sufferers about a video she made for you tube about PMDD and accountability.
This lady was the first person I had found who offered a group for PMDD, a site of valuable information and support.  If it weren't for her, I would probably still be out on a limb, not knowing where to turn, along with many other women who found her site all those years ago.  She has spent years helping other women with PMDD, and stuck her neck on the line to talk about accountability.  A subject that is hard to discuss within the realms of PMDD, and one that raises hackles and gets everyone all jumpy.

PMDD can seem to control you and your actions... verbally and physically.  It can turn you into a 'monster', wreck relationships and alienate you from those around you.

The one thing that sets PMDD apart from other illnesses, especially on the mental health front, is the fact that we always return to 'normal'.  We realise that we acted out of order or said terrible things.  This is one thing that is the most difficult to deal with when in a loving relationship.  I recently described it as being whipped up into a tornado and then being dumped out the other side.

So, being accountable for you actions is one step further towards healing.  You cannot blame everything on the PMDD.  You cannot be a complete bitch to everyone who loves you and expect no one to get hurt, or to end up walking away because of things you've said and done.  Normal people without PMDD can get hurt too.

Yes, it's sometimes hard to control an outburst, or to stop yourself from doing something stupid, but ultimately, it is YOU who are doing these things.  You are not possessed by the devil, you are not schizophrenic.  It may feel like this, but you aren't.  You ARE responsible for your actions and what you say.

I remember watching this you tube video years ago, and feeling a whole load of mixed feelings.  On one hand I could agree that I should be held accountable for the things I did, but on the other hand, I was thinking... but I can't control it, it's not ME doing these things or saying nasty stuff, it's the PMDD me.... COP OUT!  It is me that allows myself to say these things.. it is me that regularly made every ones lives hell.. no one else... ME.

Realising that I have to be accountable, meant I began to try to curb my outbursts.  I began to realise that the innocent person in front of me who was only trying to help didn't deserve to have their heads ripped off cos I was having a bad day.  Sometimes, an episode was so severe, that I couldn't control it, but over time, I have learned that to heal PMDD and to allow others to love and help me, I absolutely had to find ways of dealing with my bad feelings.

We often take our stuff out on others, and sometimes this isn't even because of something they have done.. it's a past issue that is rearing it's ugly head, and is being channeled into rage for someone else... Often women with PMDD will experience people around them leaving due to the fact they can't deal with the abuse.  This then feeds the negative thoughts that you are not worthy of love, that everyone hates you or you are a bad person.  YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE, YOU DO DESERVE FRIENDS AND RELATIONSHIPS!!  but how do you expect loved ones to cope with abuse every month without ending up at breaking point themselves?

Being accountable means you must deal with the consequences of what you say and do.  It is a hard topic to get your head around.  It is even harder to fight the urge to destroy everything around you, but fight you must, if you want those people to stay in your life.  No one owes you anything, and in my experience, those that love you and understand, just want to help and see you happy.  They don't then deserve to have strips teared off them.  You can sit in guilt and regret, you can feel bad and beat yourself up and then do the same thing every month, OR you can do something about it.

Learning self control and self restraint is key.  Learning how to channel that aggressive energy into something other than an offensive outburst is key.  After months of damaging my relationship every month via text messages to my partner, that were abusive, nasty, negative, self defeating and unreasonable, we came to the point when we split.  That was the consequences of my actions.  Luckily, there was enough love and strength there to come back together after a break, but not without big discussions regarding what we both needed.  I needed more support.. how the hell I thought I was going to get more support by freezing him out and sending him nasty messages I do not know....  He needed the messages to stop, and for me to allow him to help rather than target him as an enemy.  That was a year ago, and thankfully we are still together and very happy.

Nowadays, I stay away from my phone on bad days.  I sleep it off, or find something to occupy my mind.  Occasionally.. and it is very occasionally, I slip up and a nasty text will wing its way to him at work...  I'm hurting for whatever reason, usually during a wobbly time of the month and I will want him to hurt.. except, I don't want him to hurt, I want him with me, helping, consoling me, but because he's not, I get angry and I may lose control for a second.  I always regret it and end up apologising straight away, but I run the risk of that text being the text that makes him walk away...

STOP and THINK before you allow yourself to run at the mouth.  Take a minute to think about how that text, status update or answerphone message will be recieved.  Does that person really deserve it?  Is there a better way to express the anger and rage?  Would it be better to go to bed, take a bath or go for a walk?  When you start helping yourself and controlling your PMDD, you will find others are more willing to help and try and understand.

If you still believe that you are not in control and that when a PMDD episode takes over you should not be held accountable for your actions then ponder this...

We often relate to feeling like another person, an evil twin, Jekyll and Hyde...  when we are in the 'other' state we may feel like we have schizophrenia... yet we do not have schizophrenia...
We are both blessed and cursed in that we do still have our right mind somewhere in there.  It may be clouded with emotions and negativity, but it is still there.  Unlike schizophrenic people who lose all concept of the real person they are and end up with a complete different personality for days or weeks, we always return to ourselves, often stronger than we were before.
If a schizophrenic person committed a crime, say, a murder.. does that mean we should let them off because they were not in their right mind?  If a women with PMDD did something terrible during an outburst, should they not be held accountable?  I'm pretty sure, in one way or another, that person would need to be sectioned or imprisoned,  they are a danger to society because they do not know what they have done....  Obviously this is a hypothetical example, but if the negative reactions, aggressive and abusive outbursts are not controlled then who knows what you could be capable of.
I'm not going to get into here about diminished responsibility and the times that PMDD has been used in court, but it has, and on those occasions, it is accepted that the PMDD caused the person to be acting out of character.  Those are extreme cases, and each would be looked into individually.  I'm sure no one would want to end up in a situation like this, so being responsible for your actions on a basic daily level is important.

You ARE accountable for your actions.  If you really feel you aren't, then the problem may be more serious than PMDD or your PMDD may have got so severe you really need to seek more help.  PMDD is not an excuse or get out clause for being a total cow to everyone.

And as a PS to the ladies that are leaving nasty, negative comments to my friend who has done SO much to help others with PMDD, check yourselves...  You talk of sisterhood yet leave messages that are offensive and nasty to someone who has been brave enough to make a video to try and help, about something that is difficult to talk about... where is the sisterhood there?

You can find the original video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bp1H2eAxDSU

Something to ponder...

Think back to when women lived in tribes, in huts, outside. In fact.. you don't always need to think back, there are places on the Earth where women still do.
Firstly, there is no sanitary products. You use rags. There are no toilets or running water. Women would come together in a moon lodge and sit to bleed together. They separate themselves because they are at their most powerful in a spiritual sense. They also separate themselves and stay in a safe place for practical reasons...

I read recently about a tale of a tribal woman, caught out, away from the village. She began bleeding. The smell of fresh blood brought wild animals. She is faced with an almost certain attack and death. She climbs a tree and uses her clothes to soak up the blood. She stays up the tree and waits....

What survival instinct is it that switches on our anger and fierceness? Makes us bitchy, crazed, raging, critical, powerful?

IF we are not safe and secure during our period, we may suffer the remnants of this ancestral survival instinct and fear for ourselves. In the wild, the smell of blood equals food for animals, women are vulnerable... We now over compensate for that vulnerability but making sure we scare off everything so we can be alone and safe...

It's like looking up at the Moon and stars and realising that our ancestors looked up at the same Moon.  Every time we bleed, we connect to every woman that has ever gone before us, we all share the same experiences, and women, ONLY women are part of this club. 

No man, no matter how strong, virile, amazing or good can bleed without dying, regularly, like a woman.  No man can ever truly understand the wisdom found in bleeding.

Women are so sacred to this planet.   ♥ 

Facebook - A REALITY CHECK!!

Some thoughts on PMDD and Facebook....

So, those of you in their 30's, like me, remember the internet growing from an amazing idea that 'one day, everyone could have the internet in their own home', to what now seems to be something that's integral to everyone's day to day life.

I remember getting the internet for the first time. I was living with my husband and had just had my first child. In those days, I would email occasionally, download free screensavers and visit the odd website. Looking back, the internet then was like one of those huge shopping centres that open up. Full of potential, but only half the shops are occupied and going there feels like a waste of time.

Over the years, I have become more hooked, and have blogged on various sites, attempted to build and run websites and participated on online forums. Before Facebook, I would use chat rooms to meet new people online... The net then, was still quite a lonely place to be unless you had lots of real life friends online too.

After my marriage ended at the ripe old age of 25, I found myself tied to the house with a 3 year old. There was no company, not much of a social life, so blogging, chatting and uploading my artwork to various sites kept me busy. The internet became my friend, my outlet and 'hobby'.

Then came Facebook.

I was a late joiner and an even later user. I sat on Facebook not knowing what to do for about a year.... I found a few school friends, and it was nice to get in touch, but there was a reason you lost touch with around 90% of your school mates in the first place. You make friends at school because you are stuck there with them everyday.. they may live near you and share the same bus. It doesn't mean you will actually really get on that well, like them, or want to stay in touch for the rest of your lives. For some, revisiting the old school days can bring up painful emotions and memories you'd rather not be reminding of.

I was considering deleting my profile but then I searched for my half brother who I'd only ever met once, and I found him! It was through meeting my half brother and sister on Facebook that I became a fan. It was my window into their world, it was a way of staying in contact. I had a reason to stay on Facebook!

I've never been very good at staying in touch. The PMDD means there are a whole other bag of issues surrounding trust and friendships. And lets face it, before email and Facebook, how many letters did you write to stay in touch with people?  

How often did you use the phone to call up random people from your past? It all requires effort, and nowadays Facebook is the laziest option.

As a sufferer of PMDD, I was then faced with all sorts of new emotions to deal with.

I had experienced similar stuff before as a member of a busy online forum. Sometimes people would say horrible stuff, or delete you, and you are left with a weird mixture of emotions over someone you don't even know in the real world. On Facebook, this is even more prevalent.

PMDD does crazy things to your mind and perceptions. What 'normal' clear headed 'you' would shrug off, the PMDD'ing 'you', feels, like a stab in the heart. Someone deletes your friendship, deletes a comment, argues or even worse.. blocks you... it can cause a premenstrual mind to implode with all manner of negative feeling and thoughts.... then the paranoia and awkwardness sets in... do I ask why? Should I contact them? They must hate me.. I'm so horrible... etc

Facebook does provide a shoutbox to the world, and this is mostly, a good thing. Unfortunately though, during PMDD rages, outbursts or breakdowns, it can be a volatile place to be. Status messages, so commonly cause a whole string of issues. In the dysphoric PMDD state, you may post something really out of order, you may even know it's out of order, but, something pushes you to do it anyway.. YOU DONT CARE... it's gotta be said... I want everyone to know... whatever...

We then have to deal with comments back. In a PMDD rage, sometimes kind comments will enrage you further (depending on who they come from), negative comments will make you feel like crap, and some people (like other PMDD or depression sufferers you have in your friends list) might even encourage you to feel worse by joining in with your misery... None of which are beneficial to you calming down and riding the wave till the feeling subsides, in fact, all it does is aggravate the situations.

Before Facebook, addressing the world like this would not have even been possible!

You will cause yourself more pain and stress if you use Facebook statuses to share your woe's. How many people in your friends list really care? How many do you know in real life? How many do you actually really like and want to always keep in your life?

When I feel I am about to write something that is unnecessary, I will sit for a moment and consider what it says.. is it directed at someone? If it is, that's not fair... If it's something really negative.. do people really need to see it? All you are doing is perpetuating the feeling, or even worse, lighting a firework that might blow at any point, and probably up in your face, leaving you feeling really stupid, hurt, and guilty.

You are better off writing it all out and posting it to a support group, or direct to one of your more trusted friends. Striking up a conversation with someone, asking for help or sharing is far more productive then moaning to a crowd... of which only a few are even listening..

If you desperately want to post how bad you are feeling to the world, then have a little image search first.. find a picture that describes how you feel, a photograph, a drawing.. maybe you might find a quote that sums it up, or words from a poem. Share in it a different form. Help it evolve from raw, angry destructive emotion into something more beautiful and creative. Post a video of a song that describes the feeling...

Facebook is a great thing.. but you HAVE to look after yourselves. If Facebook becomes a source of more angst and problems, then it's time to get a reality check. If you can't use it without freaking out, getting upset, destroying relationships and friendships then take a break. 

If it causes you to spiral into negative thinking patterns about how unpopular you are, how much everyone hates you, how useless you are etc, then get the hell off the net and go take a walk, have a bath and bring your focus back to your real life, your real friends and family and well.. REALITY!!

We never had Facebook before... we never had to see what the girl who sat next to us in maths wore on her wedding day, we've never had hundreds of peoples lives there, in front of us, for us to compare to, scrutinise, and be jealous of. The fact that we let Facebook become such a source of emotion is worrying, and if you suffer with mental health problems, it can bring up a minefield of negative emotions. We have to be in control. No-one can monitor our use but us. No-one can turn off the computer for you and make you do something else instead. You have to take responsibility. If you are having a really bad time, and Facebook starts upsetting you... then recognise that, recognise that NOW is not a good time to be logged in. Take a break for a bit.. visit some other websites... move away from social interaction when you know there's a storm brewing.

I'm sure, most women with PMDD will know the feeling of hitting a friend with a statement that you know is gonna cause trouble. You have to remember that our bolts out of the blue, of our truth at that moment is usually a shock to others and they will obviously react accordingly (unless they REALLY know you). We are then left with a mess to clear up, or a ruined friendship and feelings of being a horrible human being.... The easiest way to avoid this, is to avoid Facebook at this time, at least, avoid posting negative status messages and learn some restraint and control when you want to share a negative state of feeling. Be creative!

Here's a little thought for you...

What if the plug to the internet was pulled tomorrow? What if you woke up and the net wasn't there? What if there was NO FACEBOOK?!!

Who would you share with? Who would you go to to talk with? What would you do with yourself?

It's good to spend time in real life! Facebook is a virtual reality... It has it's benefits, and can be a source of fun and entertainment, but it isnt REAL. It's a cyberworld of people, most of whom you haven't met, and full of unreal situations and stressors.

Look after yourself, don't let the PMDD ruin things just because the platform exists to do so. Switch off the laptop and go somewhere nice... visit someone local, bake, walk... create, spend your time differently when you feel crap... you can always take photo's of your journeys and creations and upload them when you feel better! I mean.. if it really did happen, if for what ever reason we lost our internet world tomorrow, what would you have? Who would you have?

It's good to keep a foot in the 'real world'. Pretend the internet doesn't exist for a day!

Lighter later - Help fight S A D

Since the clocks went back, I have noticed a real change in my mood.  Ok, so it's always changing, but I feel like I'm constantly in a heightened state of stress.  I'm still managing on the homeopathic tablets, but since the clocks went back, I'm so much more narky than usual.  I am noticing it because I had got to quite a calm point with the kids, but for the past 2 or so weeks, I just cant handle them.  Stupid outbursts happen before I can even think about counting to 10 and dealing with them in a quiet manner.  It's a horrible feeling, almost like you are going to have a heart attack, or burst, or just run screaming from the house until you cant run any further.
I'm guessing a combination of less activity since I did my back in, the darker days and eves, and kids having to be in the house more are all taking thier toll.
I signed up to support the Lighter Later Campaign.  I also found out if my MP was supporting the campaign, and was pleased to see he was! so I wrote to thank him, and am avidly waiting the outcome of December 3rd's meeting.  100 MP's need to vote in favour of the movement for it to go to the next stage.
The plan is to change the clocks to GMT+1 in winter and GMT+2 in summer.  This would mean we would have migh lighter evenings, in winter and in summer, and there are a whole list of other benefits, including a massive yearly reduction in CO2 emissions, safer evenings for our children and more time for businesses to stay open.  You can find the list of benefits here.
It takes a minute to register your support, and about 5 mins to mail your MP from the website.
Britain isnt unfamiliar with this idea, during the war, we all changed our clocks to GMT+1 in winter and GMT+2 in summer, to give us more time to work, grow our own food, and help protect us from nighttime attacks.  It makes sense, but people have tried to get the clocks changed this way before and have failed many times.  Eight attempts have been made since 1994, and everytime they have ben 'talked out', which means they have discussed it so much they have run out of time to make a desicion.
This time, SHOW YOUR SUPPORT!! it makes sense to change our clocks to make the most of natural daylight, so please go and register your support and spread the word.

Losing it

Today and yesterday I have been so low, to the point of despair.
I have no pot to smoke to get me through, so I am now on the Vodka. No point in pretending I can get through this with meditation, love and light as my thoughts are just too destructive

Just today, my brain has told me to, pack my bags, leave my baby with someone safe and leave, get in the car and drive and drive till I find somewhere to stay, with the intention of never returning.

OR

Pack all my partners stuff and tell him to leave. I want to be on my own..

OR

Smoke and drink till I cant feel the pain anymore. I would prefer to smoke but where I live is completely dry, so the little local Tesco's come to my rescue by selling quarter bottles of Voddy. Ahhh fuck it, what's the point in it all anyway?

Whats the point in an illness that means I cant be me for more than a few days?

Whats the point is battling?

Whats the point in fighting?

I have always felt like I am jinxed, like I have some curse on me. Is this what life will be like for another 30 years? I'm actually amazed I made it to 30. I thought I would be dead and buried by my early twenties. Maybe I really am just living on borrowed time now?

I apologise for being so self absorbed and depressed. I apologise to anyone who cant be arsed with moaning poeple like me. But in the grand scheme of things, you don't have to read or comment, I'm just fed up with pretending i'm ok.

The Start

I wish it could be a positive one, but the fact is, untill the rage hits I'm lost and just too tired of my thoughts to do anything about them.
That was yesterday.

Today, My head is raging, I want to scream and fight and tell everyone what I think of them. All the pain I have ever faced, all the upsetting situations I've been in, all the dissapointment, all the doubt, all hit's me at once like a dam breaking.

First the angry thoughts trickle through... stupid stuff bout the washing up not being done, or belongings left lying about. Then it starts getting worse, and I start to question my life. Surely, if my life wasnt like this then I'd be ok???
Then it turns inwards, and the Dam breaks. I am washed away in all the sadness and anger, all the hurt and the rage. I find myself fighting against my own self. It's relentless.
The more anyone says, the worse it gets.

I hate my kids, I regret having them. I'm supposed to be thier everything, and every month, I am nothing. I hide away, I cant be in the same room as them. I stay behind and they go out.
I sit with myself and try to relieve the rampage in my head. I try to make thier lives good, and me staying away is the only way I can see to protect them.
At this time, I dream of packing my bags and leaving. Of getting on a train and finidng somewhere, alone, where I can do no damage to anyone but myself. No-one derserves to be on the recieving end when the PMDD hits.

At the moment, I dont work. It drives me insane. I feel like everything I can offer is being lost in time, worry, anxiety and low self confidence.

I look back to how confident I was before I had kids, and I just wish I could get that back. I sometimes see glimpses, like when your in a car and you see something interesting behind a fence. You know it's there, but you cant for the life of you get a decent look.

I'm down the pit again, at the bottom today. I may be half way up tomorrow, squinting at the sunlight and making tracks to get closer, or I may end up curling up and staying there a while.

My anger is at times too much to bear. Like the negative voice that sits on your shoulder, mine climbs in through my ear and invades my head. It's impossible to shake it out, it's a battle, every month.



Yet... at times, I feel my most strong and assertive. All the things I put up with all month, suddenly become unbearable, and I try to bring it up, try to express myself... then more often than not it goes wrong. I dont word it well, I raise my voice, or I just might break down in sobs.. The things that bothered me, earlier on that month, that were just a niggle, start unfolding themselves as more things to be upset about, more issues to have with people. Are they real? Or are they just a product of the PMDD? How can I be sure?

Then, the doubt sets in. Is this me? Is this just who I am?
Well.. it IS me... Until I get this monster completely under control, It will be 'me', every month.

On the upside, It's not this bad every month. I have 'good' months. Those I rate by how much damage has been caused. If I manage to get through it with minimum disruption, it's a 'good' month. If it wreks my life and upsets my family, if I cant be a part of the family, and stay at home, then it's a 'bad' month.

Today, this month's moon has been a bad one. I'm feeling very low, and alone.