PMDD in Chat it's fate magazine.

Today, my story came out in the August edition of Chat it's fate magazine.  I was contacted by them earlier in the year to share my story about PMDD, the menstrual cycle and my art.  I felt this was a way to raise some awareness of how severe PMS can become, along with how I came to heal myself from the worst symptoms.  If you would like to read my story you can find it in all larger newsagents for the next month.

If you are interested in finding out more about PMDD, please check out my PMDD blog, Meet My PMDD, or visit the UK's National Association for Premenstrual Syndrome (NAPS) or the USA's National Association for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

To find out more about the alternative ways of understanding the menstrual cycle, please have a read through my Natural Shaman blog, particularly the article I wrote for Indie Shaman magazine, The Magic of the Menstrual Cycle and my experience at a menstrual workshop with Alexandra Pope.

Sign up to learn more about your menstrual cycle with Red School Online.  Red School Online is a new way to learn about your cycle, with peer support, fantastic learning tools and private group chat.  Go check it out!

Red School also features some of my work in their teaching materials, you can find my poster in my Etsy store.  If you would like to see more of my feminine art work, please visit my gallery over at chaoticat.com.

This is not the end.

It's been a while since I've written a blog, and there are many reasons for this. Life stuff takes over sometimes and attention needs to be elsewhere, but alongside this, I have been coming to some very different conclusions about my own PMDD. I have mentioned before about how hard it is to explain and express all the things that have changed within me since I started this blog, and I have felt a real inner conflict for many months now.

Some of the things I have learned means my view of PMDD has changed massively. When I started this blog, and began sharing my story and understandings, I was in a dark place. This was due to many things alongside PMDD. PMDD was not solely responsible for my life feeling too hard to bear. I can look back and see that now, but when you are caught up in the daily drama, it's easy to feel like PMDD is to blame for all of life's shortcomings. In 5 years, my life has changed dramatically, and in those years I have found friends, fellow sufferers and other people like me.

When I say 'other people like me' I mean those who also have PMDD, but are choosing to work spiritually with it rather than continue down the route of believing that we need to be 'fixed' or that there is something inherently wrong with us.

I no longer believe there is anything wrong with me. The past 5 years have taken me to the depths of despair, but they have also been so valuable. PMDD has actually been the most powerful guide I could have had. I know many readers may think I've lost the plot, or that maybe, I could never have really suffered with PMDD to begin with, and that's fine. You can judge me however you like.

I come across a lot of women through the PMDD community page, and many want a 'cure'. Many want a magic tablet to make everything better. They want labels and recognition for that label. PMDD is just a label. It's the label doctors give to a woman who is sensitive to the hormonal changes in the body, and when those hormonal changes create a string of infinite symptoms that becomes life destroying. Some people want it to be a mental disorder, some want it to be an endocrine disorder and some believe it originates in the gut. I shared an article recently about PMDD being labelled a mental disorder, and someone commented saying that if it was all in the mind then how did it a hysterectomy cure her? Thing is, the brain controls everything, it controls the production of hormones, and it is affected by hormones. Hysterectomy is the ultimate off switch. The brain no longer needs to tell the body to make those hormones. Having a hysterectomy may be the most successful way of treating PMDD to date, but it is an extreme measure to take, especially if you want children and haven't been able to conceive. So it may be effective, but is it the best way? Swapping PMDD for early menopause has never been something I have wanted to do. I know a few women who have had their PMDD 'cured' by means of hysterectomy, some have had other problems occur, some haven't, but on the most part, I hear many women say they are glad to have had it done, and I for one am happy that they are no longer suffering and have a chance at a new life without PMDD. There are many different views on the causes of PMDD. The only I would like to say for certain is it is a imbalance in the body and mind which can have devastating effects.

We all need more research to be done. Its almost 2014 and we still don't fully understand the workings of the female body, we don't know why hormones create such illusions and dysphoria in the brain. We don't know the root cause of PMDD (if there is one). There is research being done, all be it a few small studies here and there, but still not enough is known. The doctors don't understand it, and there are very few specialists. I'd like to point out that we are talking about the medical realm right now, so when I say doctors and specialists, I mean the people conventionally trained in conventional medicine. Doctors, more often than not, want to help, but they are in the dark too. They have drugs that are unlicensed for PMDD but treat conditions similar to PMDD, so that's what we get. They try, but always remember that the doctors are just ONE aspect or avenue to healing, and often, they are working with pharmaceutical companies pushing their products, getting people reliant on yet another expensive drug. They will look at PMDD ONE way, and often dismiss others.

Turning my back on medication was the best thing I ever did. Saying away from the health services unless absolutely necessary. This is my story, my reality, I am not suggesting anyone do the same. This is what's ended up silencing me so often. How do I share my healing and this amazing transition when it is so personal to me?

I think that people have their own realities and most tend to stay within certain ideals. If it is your belief that taking a pill can cure you, then maybe you will find peace or ways to manage PMDD by using medication. If your belief is that removing your womb will cure the problem then you are more likely to go for that option when your symptoms are out of control. If you believe that talking therapy and mind techniques such as CBT is the way then you may find that successful for you. You also have to factor in what 'pay offs' there are with each belief. Medication will most likely come with side effects. Surgery might mean HRT. Talking therapies may not help physical symptoms.

My belief is that my body can create illness. That the mind and body are closely interlinked and often, an illness in the body is connected to, maybe even created by the brain. If my dis-ease in the body is stemming from dis-ease in the brain then surely, healing the brain can heal the body? By healing the brain, or re-training the brain, we can break out of the cyclical patterns that PMDD can put us in. My life 5 years ago was chaotic (it still is.. but in a good way nowadays) There were many things going on that would make the sanest and strongest of women cry and feel like life wasn't worth living.

PMDD almost responds to how well you are living your life. For me, being really unwell is a measure of the stress in my life at that moment. I've spent 3 years observing my moods and monthly cycles. I am not free of mood swings, manic craziness and deep depression, but I am free of almost all of the negative self beliefs I held about myself, the extra nastiness that clings onto you after an 'episode'. I don't spend days beating myself up, telling myself how shit I am, convincing myself I am not loved or wanted like I used to. I get up, take a deep breath and get on with life again. I've manage to reduce the drama of PMDD. I'm learning how to communicate better, how to avert disaster by using the right words. Things that seem so simple, yet these simple things really have changed my life.

5 years ago I didn't really have any hopes for the future, I didn't know where I was going, what I wanted. Two young children and a mood disorder that seemed to ruin everything. I hated life. I guess it's something that all young mums go through at some point. The feeling like you'll never have a career, that the things you are interested in are at the bottom of the pile of importance. I was also in a terrible relationship and hadn't dealt with all my childhood stuff. Add PMDD symptoms at their worst and BAM, there I was. Now, it seems logical looking back, that my symptoms were at their worst because of the state my life was in, but you don't know when your are in that moment that this is the worst moment you'll ever have, or that things will even change. You get locked into a belief that things will stay the same forever, but that is the only thing of absolute certainty, everything changes, nothing stays the same.

I now live day to day with my 'PMDD'. On the most part I am fine, although I have noticed I seem to have 2 almighty crashes a year around spring and autumn, which corresponds to pre-ovulation (spring) and pre-menstruation (autumn). The only other times I crash is when life gets really stressful. Stress is relative. What I can cope with is different to what another can cope with. Life has been tough this year and I have had to test my methods against some really challenging situations. Thankfully, I came through it all, I survived, and any women PMDD or not, would have felt the pressure. When the darkness or craziness hits, I hold on. I know it will pass, I use the things I know will help me.

All this change however does mean saying goodbye to certain things. Blogging about my PMDD helped through the worst times. Writing articles and researching helped develop my understanding and open my mind to new ideas. Meeting so many lovely women through the blog and on Facebook has been the best return for the hours spent.

I now feel like I am well enough to start building a career, and wheels have been in motion for a while. PMDD and depression can mean you spend long periods of time looking at your life and working out what it is you want to do. I realised that I want my life to be about creating, about art, about teaching and living a mindful life. I don't want to spend my hours anymore focusing on PMDD in a way that pleases the masses. I don't want to have to try and explain myself to people who don't really care.
I worry that I will upset people, because my views have changed. I started a campaign to get PMDD recognised, because for that medical world, it NEEDS to be, but at the same time, I no longer want to carry the label. I use the label for society's sake, to give them something they can understand, but my inner belief is not that I have some terrible disorder that I have no control over. I have something that not many people can begin to comprehend. I have something that can actually be very useful to me.

Running the groups on FB and interacting with people on the community page can be really stressful. It takes my time and focus away from the positive things in my life, so these days I tend to limit my participation. I often feel bad for this, but I have to let go and move on. I find few people ready to even contemplate the possibility that they have the power to control and manage PMDD without meds, anything that I post that isn't mainstream gets jumped on, and my motives questioned. I have only ever been a Sharer Of Information! I share more things I have no personal interest in than things that I believe in... and this is where things have to change. I can't even stand the name of this blog anymore! MY PMDD! HA! I even claimed it as mine... well it isn't any longer.

I have to find my voice within the alternative PMDD realm and find the others like me. I have plans, but there is still some way to go, and my main priority is my art, spirituality and teaching. Thats what I want to spend my time on. I can no longer spend time on projects that feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. For now, I am in control and that means we go full steam ahead on projects. My cyclical energy still means I have downtime every month, but y'know, I think I'm healthier for it, and there are certainly less battles. I will write here occasionally, but the PMDD Awareness site is going to be taken down. I did it because I could, and because I thought it was needed and helpful, but I cannot maintain it and promote it. Anything I do from now on with regard to PMDD is gonna be a reflection of my beliefs and experiences, for other women out there who want to try managing their moods in an alternative way. This blog will stay as is and I may update from time to time to let you know about any new projects I may have in the future, but essentially, this is the end of an era.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.. Thank you for all the support you've all given me over the years, I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for each and every interaction I ever had through this blog and Facebook.

As always... thanks for reading.

PMS Free Now

I was contacted by a lady called Pennie who has devised a healing program to ease or eliminate PMS and PMDD symptoms.  I visited the website www.pmsfreenow.com to find a simple site with a video and adverts for more video's coming soon.  It's the sort of site I would probably skip thinking it's a scam, but as Pennie had contacted me personally, briefly sharing that she had suffered with PMDD in the past, I felt I should watch it before I made any judgements.

It was good!  Pennie gives sound advice and brings forward considerations that all women should be aware of when they are suffering with PMD or PMDD.  There is somewhere you can sign up to receive the other videos (I forget where, but I know I did as I got a few emails from Pennie's website over the next few days) all of which are free, and full of things you may not have considered looking at with regard to your PMDD symptoms.

Now, the way I saw it, was this was obviously leading into a paid program or service, and as someone who has been surfing the web for years, it had the distinct vibe that this would be pricey.  I also wanted to know more about Pennie.  Who was she?  what were her credentials?  I certainly wouldn't ever want to be promoting anything scam-like.  So me being me, emailed her direct and said that I would share her website with all of you, if she wrote us a blog about how PMS Free Now came to be.

My mind was working along the lines of the fact that maybe others out there had missed some good advice or a chance to work with a specialised program by being a little put off by the lack of personal info about Pennie and her journey, and to me, knowing the person and the website is legit is pretty top priority.  Anyway, Pennie is lovely and was very happy to share a blog with us.

Learning to Trust a Failing Body.

It was my 20th birthday and I found myself lying on my bed crying. Why? I had NO idea.
I just knew that it felt like my life was over and that I could not stop crying.
It made no sense. My life at that point was exciting and fun and this particular day I was super excited about hosting a big party later that night and I had looked forward to this day for several weeks. Still, a few hours before the guests were to arrive I was swallowed by this big black hole and I did not have a clue what was going on.

This is the first specific memory I have from PMS/PMDD. However, when I finally a few years later was beginning to understand what was happening to me I could see that the signs and symptoms were there long before that. I used to think of these days as "Tooth Brushing Days". Why? Because brushing my teeth was about the most advanced task I could take on those days without becoming completely overwhelmed and crumble to pieces. That was of course if I did not look into the bathroom mirror - if I did, I would see this awful reflection of myself and break down in tears and even the tooth brushing would too difficult to complete.

Over the years these random (top secret) Tooth Brush Days evolved into (still top secret)recurring Tooth Brush Weeks. Extreme mood swings, self loathing, crying spells that would last for days...Looking back now I do not know how I managed. I guess you do because you have to. And, I saw no other option but to keep trying: trying to cope with the symptoms and trying to find a way to beat them.

I tried everything under the sun: hormones in various different shapes and forms, anti-depressants, different herbs/ supplements/ vitamins, meditation, hair analysis, blood analysis, Ayur-vedic medicine, traditional Chinese medicine, acupressure, acupuncture, special diets, detoxifications & cleanses, exercises, Qi Gong and yoga. And, lots of other things too. Nothing seemed to work.

Deep down I wanted to trust my body. I wanted to trust its wisdom and its healing intelligence that I on some level knew was there. However, it felt like my body was broken and therefore could not do its job and therefore could not be trusted. I felt betrayed by my own body. And, I constantly felt like I let myself down by not coming up with a solution.

This battle went on for almost twenty years. Luckily I found the strength to keep going because one day I did find what I had been searching for all those years: the tools I needed to heal my body and my life! The tools that were able to transform my life were Muscle Testing and Energy Medicine. 

With the help of Muscle Testing I could finally figure out why my body was failing every month. I discovered that my body was NOT broken. And, I discovered it was on my side - it was working 24/7 - just like me - to try and heal! However, there were so many things in the way. Things I was not aware of, both physical and non-physical things, were blocking my body from healing. Old traumas, emotions and beliefs disrupted my energy field and kept my body in a non-healing state. Also, a massive fungal infection plus a number of energy toxins were constantly destabilising my hormones. With some diet adjustments, some other life style changes - and with the help of the gentle techniques of modern Energy Medicine - these blocks were not hard to overcome and sure enough, when they were gone, so was my PMS/PMDD. My dream had finally come true. 

A few years later I am still living my dream: I am able to enjoy life in a way that I could only dream of before and I am so grateful for this. However, no matter how fantastic it feels when your dreams come true there are always room for new dreams. My new dream is to help women who are still struggling with PMS/PMDD - to offer them hope and to provide them with the tools they need in order to heal. 

I know we all have our own journey's to make and your journey may be very different from mine. However, by sharing our stories we can spread hope and ideas to each other. If you want to know more about some of the things I learned on my journey you are welcome to check out my website: www.pmsfreenow.com. And, wherever your journey takes you - I wish you all the best.

Blessings, 

Pennie Kristiansson

We all struggle with the medical profession, some of us spend a small fortune visiting specialists, buying supplements etc, some of us prefer not to take medication and go the alternative drug free route.  What Pennie is offering is akin to seeing a PMDD Specialist, only the tools she uses are very different to those Gynaecologists in London.  Now, I couldn't afford a private specialist, and I'm pretty sure I couldn't afford what Pennie is offering, however, I have to remember that not everyone is as skint as me!  and in the name of sharing information and introducing you to other ways to combat PMDD, I felt it was my duty to share this with you.  The PMS Free Now videos are free and worth a watch, even if you think that you know everything there is to know.  You might not!

Give the video's a watch.  Check out Pennie's other site www.thenovaplace.com Womens Holistic Health Centre and head over to her Facebook page www.facebook.com/PennieKristiansson and give her a like.  She is after all a PMDD survivor,  a success story! and is trying to help others overcome their symptoms too.  What she's offering might not be for you, but go show your support anyway... and go check out her free videos!  what have you got to lose!

Breaking Stigmatism

I was asked by the author, Tricia, if I would participate in an interview for her Tumblr Blog called Breaking Stigmatism.

Breaking Stigmatism blog shares stories that help others to shake off the stigma that surrounds mental illness.  It was really lovely to be asked, and it was nice having a chance to think and write about my blog and what it has achieved.

Image from heroesinrecovery.com

The only way to break stigma down, to change the views of others is to be open and honest.  The Mental Health Foundation states that 1 in 4 people will suffer from some kind of mental illness in the course of a year, women are more likely to have been treated for a mental health problem, and that mixed anxiety and depression are the most common mental disorders in Britain.  Looking at those statistics, it is very likely that someone you know will have faced similar challenges and issues, even if it's not caused by the same thing.  When we stop thinking that we are the only one suffering, we can realise that we are not alone. 

If we act like we are stigmatised, if we hide, worried what the world around us may think, we simply fuel the stigma fire.  Stand up, tell it how it is for you, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Read the full interview HERE.

Are you ready for Christmas?

What part of your cycle will you be in over the Christmas break?

I'm feeling blessed as I am currently on day 4, so in 6 days time, I'll be hitting ovulation and will hopefully be able to enjoy the festivities without lack of energy getting in the way.  I do feel like I've lost a load of time this week having to retreat and rest, so I am slightly anxious at the moment. I'm not a party person, but I do like being able to enjoy the company of others without PMDD stresses getting in the way!  What I will have to watch however are my frustrations and anxiety, as ovulation can so easily tip from energy and excitement into anxiety and anger.

Where will you be in 6 days time?

'Cycle' scopes for Christmas 2012!

Days 1-7 - Menstruation
If you are due to bleed just before or on Christmas/Boxing day then try to get things organised while you are still pre-menstrual.  During menstruation we need quiet time and to relax and rest.   This may be difficult with Christmas arrangements.  Hopefully, if you were aware that your sacred time was due to fall at such a busy time, you may have been able to plan ahead. Maybe saying no to invites out to social situations that would be too much for you at this time.  If staying at home with the family can mean just as much stress, then be open.   Make sure you partner knows that you will be in a retreat time of the month and you may need to rest.. EVEN if it's Christmas.. PMDD does not know it's Christmas!  If you don't feel like cooking, then maybe taking Mum up on the invite might actually be better and relieve some pressure.  Call on others to help, and if you need to rest and take some quiet time out then make sure loved ones know that it's just because you need it to stay well, and not because they have done something to upset you.  If you can muster up enough energy to visit family then maybe limit the time you are there. Sometimes getting out, even though we feel terrible can actually help.  Go easy on yourself, and remember a walk outside can help with pain and stress.. Menstruation relates to winter, so at Christmas you have a 'double dose' of winter as it were.  You may find yourself deep in reflection of the past year and considering what 2013 may bring.  It may be difficult to get through, but when you do you'll be over the worst ready for the bright shiny new year!


Days 7-14 - Pre Ovulation
If you are due to be in the pre ovulation stage of your cycle, Christmas may feel a bit too much.   You may find it hard to get into the swing of things, especially if you have just finished bleeding and the last week before Christmas was a crazy panic as you had tons to do but no energy to do them in. You may feel the energy coming back and with it a sense of optimism and happiness, and excitement about Christmas.   Don't let anything you forgot to do, or couldn't get done in time cause you stress.  It's ONE day.   Nothing is ever perfect and remember that all those rosy images you see plastered over the TV screens and adverts are just that.. fantasy.  You may experience anxiety, with the rushing of energy back into your being, but just take some breaths and remember that everything is OK.   You may decide YOUR party time this year is over new year's eve, when you will be ovulating. You also might hit the sales to find the perfect present for yourself!  You'll reach new year wanting to manifest new things with ovulation.   Ovulation has an energy similar to spring, with new life returning to the earth.  You may want to start looking at some new years resolutions over Christmas, plant the seed.  It will be easier to bring into fruition in January.


Day 14-21 - Ovulation
Ovulation over the Christmas period may mean you are feeling good and ready for the festive season. Pre ovulation may have seen you preparing and organising for Christmas.   The rush in energy may have seen you rushing around buying and making last minute presents.  You're spirits may be high and you may be feeling good about any social events you have planned.  The energy is social and busy, it relates to Summer.   Many women have a challenging time with ovulation, the pressure to be 'out there' for some personalities is too much.   The worry about how we look and appear to the world. Some ladies like make up and getting dressed up, some don't.  Which ever category you are in, be YOU.  If you have a fancy party to go to but hate getting dressed up, and therefore that is causing anxiety, then just go in something you like. Bend the rules and find something smart but casual.. it's Christmas!  If you don't want to go, and going will create a disasterous situation then don't go, but don't beat yourself up about it for the rest of the holidays.  Beware of ovulation anger and frustration. With everyone being home at Christmas we can easily become angered and irritated by people, especially those close.   Usually it's because there is something we want to do, but we are not being allowed, or for some reason it can't happen.  This is a good time to practice letting things go and re focusing on the things we CAN do.  Acknowledge that we are upset and why, then move on..  As we tip over into pre menstruation, we will experience fluctuating symptoms and our mood can drop. Remember that as much as we will the bad days to pass, we should try and make the most of the better days too.  New year may feel a bit of a drag to you, so try to have a good Christmas, the cycle is working with you here, so there is every possibility you could have a REALLY good Christmas!


Days 21-28 - Pre Menstruation
If you will be due on your period at Christmas then you may find it all a bit of a struggle.
The pre menstrual time brings an energy of slowing down and withdrawing, the opposite of what Christmas is all about.  Pre menstruation relates to autumn, and to me that means unsettled weather. Some beautiful bonus sunny days and some right 'orrible ones.  So do what you can.  Ask others to help.  Try and keep Christmas simple and relaxed.  It's a bit late now to pull out of plans that might have been made, but if you really feel you cannot go to something, remember to try and explain things in a calm way, and that it's no ones fault! THIS is when you need to delegate and organise.  Ovulation the week before Christmas may have meant you've had some fun spending and organising presents.  You may have felt full of hope and happiness, but as the wheel turns and you get closer to the big day, you may feel your spirits dropping and your energy flagging. Remember this is not your fault, it just is the way things ebb and flow.   Make sure loved ones know you are due on and might be cranky (or that they need to be on crisis alert).  This also means that you will be bringing in the new year with your bleed.   Not the greatest scenario, but one that can't be helped.  The new year is a time of contemplation, reflection and thoughts to the future.   You can use your sacred time over new year to really look at 2012 and what you have learned, how far you have come and what you want for 2013.


Make sure YOU take the steps you need to to get through the season.  We can explain things to others and in turn they can help, but if you don't let others know, your moods and actions can be taken in the wrong way.  Running up to bed on Christmas day may seem rude or selfish, but not if you've explained.  An hour or two in bed may mean you have a happier evening, rather than end up snapping at the kids or your partner.  You have to look after your own needs, and put things in place so that you avoid as much stress as possible.

Christmas can be a really challenging time for many, whether you have PMDD or not, so try and prepare a little.  One of the good things about PMDD is it is usually quite predictable, so we can look a week or two ahead and get an idea of where we will be in our cycle.

I hope this little blog helps, and I hope that your Christmas passes without any form of crisis.

If you do find yourself alone and in a dark place, please don't hesitate to contact someone.   If there are no friends or family you can call on then make note of your local helpline numbers. Don't suffer alone.  If you are a member of mine or any other support groups, remember you can always post in there, even if it's quieter at this time of year, someone will respond, and sometimes support comes from unlikely places.

Sending much love and many Yuletide blessings!
Cat xx 

Support lines in the UK

Samaritans - 08457 90 90 90 (24-hour helpline)
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk

Sane - 0845 767 8000 (daily, 6pm-11pm)
Charity offering support and carrying out research into mental illness.
Website: www.sane.org.uk

Change something

Day 11. I actually had to check my tracker as I cannot remember a time before when things have been so smooth, I really didn't know what day I was on. I'm not sure what's different, but I feel different... Life is changing, so maybe the knock on is less symptoms? and I mean good change, positive change... I'm trying to find the words to help describe what's happened over this past cycle and a half... No negative symptoms, no crashes, or depression... been feeling pretty stable... and that is AMAZING!

Change something.  We end up repeating the same patterns because we become wired with REactions to things that happen in our lives.  This is the same with illness and dis-ease.  It IS possible to manage symptoms, to feel better, but you gotta change something.  You may have lots of ideas in your head that sound and feel like they would be good for you, why not make a promise to yourself to try one. 

Change ONE thing...  For me, this month, I started an online Astrology course.  2 hours every Monday morning.  It's given me something to get up for on a Monday.  It's a good start to the week.  It's made me organise and attempt other things in my life, stuff I may have been too scared to try.  By adding one structure into my life, it's having a knock on effect to other things.  I have wanted to do some formal study in Astrology all my life, and it feels good to finally be doing it.  WHY did I wait so long!

Go deep within.  You KNOW what's best for you.  If you are being called to change your job, find a job, write, draw, go to college or start a course the DO IT!  You may think of a thousand reasons why you can't or shouldn't, but ignore all that.  If it feels like the right path then take it.  Find a way.  If it IS the right path, it will happen, it will flow and it will feel easy.

Don't let PMDD stand in your way.  Almost every woman I have ever spoken too is smart, intelligent and strong.  They just need to realise it.  They just need to be brave and start to mold their lives around them, find their own way.  We are unique women, it just takes time to figure out how to be unique in a world that likes regularity and conformity.

xx ♥

 

We pretend to be strong because we are weak.

“We pretend to be strong because we are weak.”
― Paulo Coelho

I'm waiting to bleed, it's day 28.

I find myself crying again, I can feel the rush of hormones. My man asks if I'm OK...

A year or so ago, I may have flown into a rage, angry over being asked. I may have just gone quiet and said, I'm fine, or leave me alone. Nowadays, I dive into his arms and cry into is chest. I accept his love, his concern and feel better for a hug and his understanding when I am feeling like my world is about to be upturned.

This got me thinking (especially as I am in pre-menstrual thinking overdrive).

Women with PMDD deal with an extreme amount of rage, anger, self loathing and fear. We feel weak and inadequate. We cannot deal with the same amount of stress that other people can.

Society tells us that as women, we should be able to handle everything life throws at us and cope with it all. There has been a big deal made out of women needing to be as strong as their male counterparts. Equal in every way.... except, we aren't.

Women may feel that they cannot possibly show weakness. They cannot let on to their partners, family, work colleagues that they are finding things hard. This happens to all women to some extent, but with PMDD, it's much more extreme, as the hormones seem to take over and control us. The false moods and irrational thoughts leave us feeling out of control, weak and unable to complete the simplest of tasks.

What happens when we feel inadequate? If we can't over compensate by becoming super woman to prove we are just as good as the men, or other more stable women, then we end up feeling frustrated at ourselves, and our situation. We end up angry and full of fight.. defensive. Even with the people we love. We don't want them to see our weaknesses. We don't want them to have to 'look after us' as that makes us far from the strong independent capable women that society says we should be.

I found this article. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201107/the-greatest-weakness-strong-women It's got nothing to do with PMDD, but tells the story of a high powered business woman who finally let down her defenses to save her relationship. As I read, I realised even more that showing weakness is hard for every woman, but to do so can actually help save floundering relationships and bring people closer together.

I look back over my own life and my own PMDD story and find the fight and defensiveness there at every turn. Right from a child, I knew that to cry in public was a sign of weakness, and that to get on in the world we have to be able to do what the men do. Work, earn, provide... I was always embarrassed by my mother's ability to sob in public, she would cry at the drop of a hat, especially to an emotional song or film, and quite often, I would feel the lump in my throat and the tears building, but I would not allow myself to cry. Cry baby. Soppy cow. Why are are you crying? I often had no explanation to explain why I felt like crying, and didn't want to answer that question. I have always avoided films and music that are liable to make me cry. 

In my youth, I turned to Heavy Metal music, especially the stuff sung (or screamed) by women. I wanted nothing more than to experience those strong emotions. The 'fuck you' of a woman screaming and roaring as good as any man. The lack of tears, the abundance of hate and anger. I related. I felt it made me strong and equal. Another mask to put on to the world. Men often became a target in the lyrics, with one of my favourite female bands (Otep) even writing a song called 'Menocide'. Yet now, that kinda turns my stomach, for there is nothing gained in the pendulum swinging all the way over to the other side. At the time it fed my need to be strong, to be like a man. When women act like men, what do the men do? When women are downing pints and shots at the pub alongside their male peers, fighting and brawling in the street, what do men see? Women? Or women who are more like their male friends? In which case, why should they treat us like women, when we don't act like one?

During PMDD days, I can sob at an advert, or a situation in a soap opera. I still feel that shame. I still feel embarrassed. Although, I am working on that. There IS no shame in feeling emotion. There is no shame in feeling so deep that a song, or lyrics send you into a tearful mess. There is no shame in admitting that you feel low, or for even crying when there appears to be no reason for it.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving 

During my PMDD weepiness, I may be crying for all the pain I've ever felt in my life, for all the pain my ancestors may have gone through. I may be crying for all the cruelty and poverty there is in the world. I may be crying just because I need to cry. Why should I feel shame for that?

Menstruation connects us to a deeper place. It connects us to our ancestors and can bring about great insight and learning. Women ARE more sensitive at this time. FACT.

The shame and embarrassment brings on a reaction of needing to cover it. I don't want people to think I am weak, over sensitive, over emotional or stupid. How can I explain the tears?

Men don't do this. I am highlighting our gender differences. Maybe I am letting the feminist side down. I am weak and giving men a reason to see me (women) as weak.

Women sometimes cry easier in the presence of another woman. A close friend or aunt may console us. We know that we sometimes need to 'let it all out', but to do that in front of a man? When most men feel uncomfortable with that amount of emotion pouring out from the soul? To do that in front of our partners and husbands? That seems alien to a lot of us, despite both parties claiming to love one another.

This need to remain strong and collected in front of our men is what brings about the complete opposite in emotions. We don't want them to see us a weak. We don't want to admit we need them to protect us and keep us safe. With equality and all the blurred lines between male and female roles, men just don't know what to do, and if we are pushing them away and denying them the chance to protect and show us compassion, we are then stealing away their opportunity to fulfil their role within the relationship.

Ladies with PMDD often end up directing all this anger and frustration at their partners as a smoke screen. We overcompensate and allow ourselves to become strong, so strong we are fierce and aggressive. We are like crazed warriors about to go into battle. Only there is no battle. There is someone we love who desperately wants to help, who wants to be able to 'do something' to make it all better. We fight them, because to allow them to help, to allow ourselves to fall into their arms and cry and say we can't cope right now is to show them we are weak, and with that brings about a whole manner of inadequacies that appear to no longer be socially acceptable.

'Other women cope' Other women manage to hold down a job, have kids, study, cook, clean and stay sane all month long so why not me/us? We feel that our PMDD makes us inferior.  It doesn't. It makes us different. It makes us super sensitive. If women with PMDD can embrace this aspect and shake off the stigma of showing signs of weakness the anger is calmed. As I type this, so many memories come to mind. I can feel the tickle in my nose, the tears building up. Have no reason to be crying right now, yet the tears want to come.

As a woman, I am an emotional being. I want to fully embrace what it is to be a woman. The past 2 years have seen me stop fighting. I accept, I surrender, I have learned to feel comfortable crying around my man. I go with the flow and allow safe passage to whatever needs to manifest. Who am I to censor myself? Who am I to curb, halt, or stop the feelings that need to flow?

It is no wonder we have come to be like this. In days gone by, women with PMDD would have been called Witches. Demonic. We would have been misunderstood as being possessed by the devil and locked up in asylums... another reason to want to stay secret, to hide away, to remain anonymous. Women have undergone so many terrible punishments for being female. Showing any sign of intuition became labelled as witchcraft or possession. Hundreds of thousands of women died during the witch trials, who were no more than healers, midwives, herbalists and quite possibly women with PMDD, women who were sensitive to their hormones, who felt the rages and let them out, who acted as if they were possessed by a demon. I know that some of my tears must be for them, and my ancestors, some of which must surely have been caught up in the terror. In the UK, it is a mere 61 years since the repeal of the Witchcraft Act, yet to this day, in many other countries, women still face charges like this, often with the penalty of death.

So in many ways it is no wonder there is a such a stigma attached to women with mood disorders, whether they use their intuitive abilities or not, the outward signs of PMDD are frowned upon and still come with a hefty amount of shame, guilt and penalties for not being consistently able to live like everyone else.

Women need to reclaim what it is to be a women. We need to celebrate out difference, and not feel ashamed to embrace our feminine nature. Next time you fight with your partner, just stop for a second and ask yourself why you are fighting. Is there a legitimate reason to be fronting up to your partner? Or deep down, do you really just need a big hug and some reassurance that everything will be OK?

I can't being to describe how much this has helped my relationship. After swearing I would never marry again, I find myself a wife once more. My husband is not my enemy. My husband can provide me with protection, with love, with safety from everything else that is bad in the world. I am lucky to have such a man, who accepts his male role, however strange it may seem to others. But this is only possible because I allow him to take on that role. I trust him enough to let him see me during my weak moments. He doesn't expect me to be strong all the time. He doesn't value me any less because I have these moments. By blowing away the smoke screen, the façade, the pretence that I am 'fine' all the time, we have been able to develop a much closer relationship.

My hope is that more women, especially the ones who suffer with PMDD will begin to embrace what it really means to be female, and find strength in what other perceive to be weakness. It is not a weakness if you need to take time out, if you need a break, to cry, to sleep, or to dream. It is not a weakness if you are string enough to be honest.  Honesty is by far the strongest action, and to admit you need help, love, a hug, is to put out the raging fire and unite with someone in a warm glow of friendship, companionship, compassion and love.

“We are all travellers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

“Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn't make you nice, it just makes you a liar.”
― Jenny O'Connell

“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.”
― Alan Moore, (V for Vendetta)

“Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking the truth from her heart.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it.”
― Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn)

All quotes from http://www.goodreads.com

©Cat Hawkins 2012

New PMDD art...

It's day 4.  I've got a week without my kids.  I get ONE week a year without them, and it's my down time...  I've spent hours dreaming about nothing in particular over the past 4 days.  Someone I know recently called it 'silent staring'.  I've barely seen another living soul during the day.  I've hardly left the house.  Dreams of painting, drawing, shopping, trips out have all gone out the window.  I feel like I've wasted the time.

Damn.  I still have so much to conquer.  Normally I would retreat, withdraw, but not having the kids about is a massive change.  I can't settle, I'm not used to it, I feel lost.  So rather than use this time  to indulge, I've done nothing.  I've rested I suppose, but I still find it hard to rest when there feels like so little time to get things done.  If this had been next week, I would have had energy.  The decorating jobs may have got done, I would have been productive,  I would have been social but this week there has been no energy.

Today, I forced myself to sit with a piece of paper.  I know it will do me good if I get something drawn.  At least I would feel like I achieved something this week (other than holding it together during important yet stressful phone calls, of which there have been a few)  I've been feeling so frustrated with myself, so annoyed and stressed...  To avoid a potential disaster, I knew I had to do something.

I had no idea what I was going to draw.  I just drew a circle and picked up a pencil.  I used ink pencils, fine liners and a sharpie, water and a brush.  I didn't overly like what I was doing, but I stuck with it.  I don't really know what to say about it, so I'll let it speak for itself.  At least I did achieve something today.

Day 4 by Cat Hawkins

It's full moon this evening too, which never seems to help my mood.  It is also the festival of Lughnasadh, the first harvest, so there are lots of powerful energies going on.  I am hoping for a better day tomorrow and a weekend away under canvas and the stars.
Recharge and relax... properly.

I HATE MY WOMB

 (New post up at my Natural Shaman blog)

As a long term sufferer of PMDD, I spent many years hating my womb, my cycle, my periods, they brought me so much pain and sadness.  Sent me crazy, upset and hurt the people I love and sometimes they succeeded in ruining my life.  I have not been able to work, participate in normal life, normal social activities.  I became reclusive, scared, isolated...  When I began to understand how I could change my perspective and USE these energies instead of fight against them, my life began to change.  I began to heal....

To read more about how I stopped hating my womb, please follow this link...
http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/i-hate-my-womb.html

PMDD and accountability

What is accountability?

In a nutshell it is about being responsible for your actions.

I recently had a friend of mine email me for support because she was getting a hard time from other PMDD sufferers about a video she made for you tube about PMDD and accountability.
This lady was the first person I had found who offered a group for PMDD, a site of valuable information and support.  If it weren't for her, I would probably still be out on a limb, not knowing where to turn, along with many other women who found her site all those years ago.  She has spent years helping other women with PMDD, and stuck her neck on the line to talk about accountability.  A subject that is hard to discuss within the realms of PMDD, and one that raises hackles and gets everyone all jumpy.

PMDD can seem to control you and your actions... verbally and physically.  It can turn you into a 'monster', wreck relationships and alienate you from those around you.

The one thing that sets PMDD apart from other illnesses, especially on the mental health front, is the fact that we always return to 'normal'.  We realise that we acted out of order or said terrible things.  This is one thing that is the most difficult to deal with when in a loving relationship.  I recently described it as being whipped up into a tornado and then being dumped out the other side.

So, being accountable for you actions is one step further towards healing.  You cannot blame everything on the PMDD.  You cannot be a complete bitch to everyone who loves you and expect no one to get hurt, or to end up walking away because of things you've said and done.  Normal people without PMDD can get hurt too.

Yes, it's sometimes hard to control an outburst, or to stop yourself from doing something stupid, but ultimately, it is YOU who are doing these things.  You are not possessed by the devil, you are not schizophrenic.  It may feel like this, but you aren't.  You ARE responsible for your actions and what you say.

I remember watching this you tube video years ago, and feeling a whole load of mixed feelings.  On one hand I could agree that I should be held accountable for the things I did, but on the other hand, I was thinking... but I can't control it, it's not ME doing these things or saying nasty stuff, it's the PMDD me.... COP OUT!  It is me that allows myself to say these things.. it is me that regularly made every ones lives hell.. no one else... ME.

Realising that I have to be accountable, meant I began to try to curb my outbursts.  I began to realise that the innocent person in front of me who was only trying to help didn't deserve to have their heads ripped off cos I was having a bad day.  Sometimes, an episode was so severe, that I couldn't control it, but over time, I have learned that to heal PMDD and to allow others to love and help me, I absolutely had to find ways of dealing with my bad feelings.

We often take our stuff out on others, and sometimes this isn't even because of something they have done.. it's a past issue that is rearing it's ugly head, and is being channeled into rage for someone else... Often women with PMDD will experience people around them leaving due to the fact they can't deal with the abuse.  This then feeds the negative thoughts that you are not worthy of love, that everyone hates you or you are a bad person.  YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE, YOU DO DESERVE FRIENDS AND RELATIONSHIPS!!  but how do you expect loved ones to cope with abuse every month without ending up at breaking point themselves?

Being accountable means you must deal with the consequences of what you say and do.  It is a hard topic to get your head around.  It is even harder to fight the urge to destroy everything around you, but fight you must, if you want those people to stay in your life.  No one owes you anything, and in my experience, those that love you and understand, just want to help and see you happy.  They don't then deserve to have strips teared off them.  You can sit in guilt and regret, you can feel bad and beat yourself up and then do the same thing every month, OR you can do something about it.

Learning self control and self restraint is key.  Learning how to channel that aggressive energy into something other than an offensive outburst is key.  After months of damaging my relationship every month via text messages to my partner, that were abusive, nasty, negative, self defeating and unreasonable, we came to the point when we split.  That was the consequences of my actions.  Luckily, there was enough love and strength there to come back together after a break, but not without big discussions regarding what we both needed.  I needed more support.. how the hell I thought I was going to get more support by freezing him out and sending him nasty messages I do not know....  He needed the messages to stop, and for me to allow him to help rather than target him as an enemy.  That was a year ago, and thankfully we are still together and very happy.

Nowadays, I stay away from my phone on bad days.  I sleep it off, or find something to occupy my mind.  Occasionally.. and it is very occasionally, I slip up and a nasty text will wing its way to him at work...  I'm hurting for whatever reason, usually during a wobbly time of the month and I will want him to hurt.. except, I don't want him to hurt, I want him with me, helping, consoling me, but because he's not, I get angry and I may lose control for a second.  I always regret it and end up apologising straight away, but I run the risk of that text being the text that makes him walk away...

STOP and THINK before you allow yourself to run at the mouth.  Take a minute to think about how that text, status update or answerphone message will be recieved.  Does that person really deserve it?  Is there a better way to express the anger and rage?  Would it be better to go to bed, take a bath or go for a walk?  When you start helping yourself and controlling your PMDD, you will find others are more willing to help and try and understand.

If you still believe that you are not in control and that when a PMDD episode takes over you should not be held accountable for your actions then ponder this...

We often relate to feeling like another person, an evil twin, Jekyll and Hyde...  when we are in the 'other' state we may feel like we have schizophrenia... yet we do not have schizophrenia...
We are both blessed and cursed in that we do still have our right mind somewhere in there.  It may be clouded with emotions and negativity, but it is still there.  Unlike schizophrenic people who lose all concept of the real person they are and end up with a complete different personality for days or weeks, we always return to ourselves, often stronger than we were before.
If a schizophrenic person committed a crime, say, a murder.. does that mean we should let them off because they were not in their right mind?  If a women with PMDD did something terrible during an outburst, should they not be held accountable?  I'm pretty sure, in one way or another, that person would need to be sectioned or imprisoned,  they are a danger to society because they do not know what they have done....  Obviously this is a hypothetical example, but if the negative reactions, aggressive and abusive outbursts are not controlled then who knows what you could be capable of.
I'm not going to get into here about diminished responsibility and the times that PMDD has been used in court, but it has, and on those occasions, it is accepted that the PMDD caused the person to be acting out of character.  Those are extreme cases, and each would be looked into individually.  I'm sure no one would want to end up in a situation like this, so being responsible for your actions on a basic daily level is important.

You ARE accountable for your actions.  If you really feel you aren't, then the problem may be more serious than PMDD or your PMDD may have got so severe you really need to seek more help.  PMDD is not an excuse or get out clause for being a total cow to everyone.

And as a PS to the ladies that are leaving nasty, negative comments to my friend who has done SO much to help others with PMDD, check yourselves...  You talk of sisterhood yet leave messages that are offensive and nasty to someone who has been brave enough to make a video to try and help, about something that is difficult to talk about... where is the sisterhood there?

You can find the original video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bp1H2eAxDSU

Cycle Awareness Basics - Spring

Pre ovulation – Springtime – Early morning – Waxing Moon – Direction East - Maiden Phase – Birth to Teen - Growing Energy

This is when the fog of our period lifts and our light and energy returns. Many of us (PMDD sufferers) may call this 'one of our good weeks'.  

We feel like ourselves again, we have more energy, we want to get on with life again.

There is an innocence about this time, and it is a time we should spend nurturing our ideas and making plans. New shoots are growing, life is returning to the earth, and you.

If you didn't have a good bleed, if you didn't take it easy and look after your needs, you may come into this phase stressed out.

If you bled badly and had any major stress or trauma, this can last a while as it interrupts the connection to the natural flow....

If you would like to read the rest of this article, please go to:

http://naturalshaman.blogspot.com/2012/02/cycle-awareness-basics-spring.html

My Healing Journey

It's been a long time coming, but I finally feel like I am really figuring out the root causes of my PMDD. I have always believed that illness is as much in the mind as it is in the body, and PMDD is very much a disorder that can start in the body and create a difference in the mind... HOWEVER... it would then be just as possible for the illness to start in the mind and manifest itself in the body.

I am now 34, and since being diagnosed at the age of 27 I have tried every medication offered to me. I have dabbled with many different alternative therapies, and I now find myself out of options in the traditional sense.

Along my path I have used:

Prozac, citalopram, valium, zoladex, lithuim, copper coil, Mirena coil, St Johns wort, 5HTP, Quiet life tablets, rescue remedy, evening primrose oil, starflower oil, homeopathy, yoga, counselling, art therapy, aromatherapy, vitamins, B6, zinc, magnesium, cod liver oil, meditation, 5Rhythms dance, massage nutrition and exercise.

The past 18 months has brought about massive changes in my life. My home life has changed dramatically from one of pure hell and stress, to one that is supportive and much less stressful. My children are now that much bit older, and at 6 and 13 are at school and able to do a lot more for themselves. I have an understanding and loving partner, and a wonderful dog that gets me out of the house even when I don't really want to go out!

I have been medication free since July 2010 apart from a Mirena coil, which I then had taken out this August. I currently regularly take evening primrose and starflower oil capsules, hormonal balance vitamins and rescue remedy. I watch what I eat (but there is room for improvement) and exercise regularly.

I am 4 cycles into my medication and synthetic hormone free life, and I can honestly say I feel much more in control of my PMDD. The journey I have been on, has made me appreciate what it feels like to be free of all medications and hormonal treatments. I still have the odd crazy moment, or feel depressed and hopeless, but I am learning new ways to deal with these times AND on how to view my whole cycle.  I am learning that these are different states of mind and being, and I need to change the way I am in the world to use these changes effectively.

For the past 8 months, I have been following information and advice given in The Woman's Quest by Alexandra Pope. I have also delved into deeper research and study on female shamanism and the energy of the menstrual cycle. Last Saturday I met Alexandra during a 'Creating Menstrual Health' workshop she was holding in London. I had a really enlightening time....

On a spiritual level, I would describe my PMDD experience as having a spiritual death and rebirth every month. Just like a Shaman when they go on an inner vision journey, when they perform soul healing on their clients. This then got me thinking. What if the distress I was experiencing was because I was having a shamanic experience. What if, I am so sensitive to the psychological changes that I am actually symbolically going through a death and rebirth every month? Once I saw it this way, I wanted to embrace those times and see what I could learn from them.  Women were the original Shaman, with awesome changes flooding her body every month.  Changes to be respected and honored.

I am now learning to ride the wave. To use the different qualities I have throughout the month to benefit me, rather than hinder me. When you begin to work WITH your cycles energy, you uncover something magical and empowering. I am now excited to be blessed with having periods, and every one that comes, I learn something new. I still have some degree of fear regarding the dark times, and I also have a new fear, of how I begin to live my life when I have been so ill for so long. I am having counselling again and working on my shamanic and spiritual practice

I am reminding myself that healing is a long process, that nothing is set in stone, and that the only way to keep on getting better is to keep on learning about myself and TRUSTING that I know what is best for myself.

I no longer hate being a woman, I no longer fear my period.

You would not have heard me say that 2 years ago. For over 10 years I hated being a woman, I hated my bleed, I couldn't understand what I had done wrong, why was I being punished? I didn't understand. Despite studying and practising Paganism and The Craft (all Goddess walks of life) for many years, I still had a block and fear regarding my own feminine self and my cycle. I think I was desperately trying to find a connection to the feminine, to the Goddess, as my own natural connection had been severed.  All I have to do is re-learn and re-connect to my bleeding time, to my natural rhythm.  When I stopped my spiritual practice, I became more ill.  Disconnected from the source.

I am now actively honoring my cycle, my inner divine feminine. I am learning shaman techniques for working with 'other worlds' or my subconscious self, and I feel the inner strength again, I feel the reassurance that this is the right path for me. I have been lost for so long, and now I feel I am walking with the flow, I am learning better ways of dealing with myself, looking after myself and how to get support from those around me.  

The future doesn't look bleak any more, It looks exciting. Every cycle is a new chance to learn and change, and I want to make the most of it.

Happy Celtic New Year!

It's the 1^st of November, and the start of the Celtic New Year. Pagans celebrate this with the festival of Samhain, a time to honour our ancestors and bloodlines. It's a time for reflection and thought, a time to be still and listen to the insights we are being given.

It is also a good time to evaluate the past year, look towards the coming year and make plans.

It's been a while since I updated this blog about my personal life. My writing has been focused on creating articles and sharing my personal views and ideas, so I will now, take the chance to look back over the past year and share a little about how 2011 has been for me.

Last November, I shared my story with the local newspaper. This was a massive event for me, as to open up my life to the public was very scary! The reality was that, no-one recognised me in the street, I wasn't judged by the whole world, and life carried on as normal!

After the story came out, I started a private online Facebook support group, which grew steadily and proved to be a successful way for women to chat to other sufferers and find support, advice and friendship. Current membership is around 70 women. I also admin the PMDD-Community page, whose 'likers' now stand at over 500.

I had hoped to go on national TV with my story, however, the slot they wanted me to fill was right in the middle of January. Possibly the worst time for me as I suffer with SAD too, so I had to cancel. I am hoping it may happen in the future, when I feel strong and well enough to actually go on television!

One of the biggest challenges for me this year has been my relationship. As all women with PMDD will tell you, having and keeping a relationship is one of the hardest things to do. My partner and I have had another rocky year, splitting up and getting back together, but neither of us have given up yet, and hopefully 2012 will be a much better year for us (what was that? Wedding bells? Haha.. fingers crossed!)

The success of the support group meant that I had a steady flow of women requesting to join. The groups work because they are small, so a second group was created, to allow more women to have a sanctuary to visit everyday. I now have another group of over 60 women, all happily chatting and helping each other through the difficult times.

My desire to raise the awareness of PMDD has continued, and I wrote to and met with my MP in the summer to discuss how PMDD can become more recognised and how we could make sure it become a recognised disorder by the World Health Organisation. This is still a work in progress, and as you can understand, only being able to work on these things during my 'good' times means it's slow going. I will be sharing a blog post with more details soon. I have not stopped trying and will continue to raise these issues with ANYONE I feel can help to educate and lift the profile of PMDD.

I also became completely medication free this year! After all my negative experiences with prescription medications, I had cleared all but the Mirena coil from my being. In August, after many months of suffering agonising cramps at ovulation and menstruation I had the Mirena coil removed. Not one medical professional would even consider it was the coil giving me so much pain, even suggesting that I must have an STI, rather than admit the coil was playing a part in my trips to A&E in agonising pain. All STI tests, obviously came back clear and I have had relatively pain free periods since it's removal. It also made me realise it was having a massive effect on my feelings and moods. So I am very pleased to now be completely med free, and still surviving!

More recent achievements have been to start another new group on Facebook that solely focuses on the natural healing methods for PMDD and some exciting breakthrough's with a couple of larger UK charity organisations.

Wellbeing for Women, a charity that helps to fund women's research, will be featuring my story on their website in the next few months, which may also then go on to other publications in the UK, and the best news is that I have been asked by MIND, the UK's biggest mental health charity to be a guest blogger and start a discussion about PMDD. I am hoping they are also considering including it on their list of disorders on their website and producing an information leaflet!

Seemingly small steps, but ones I hope will help to change the awareness of this disorder for all women, to allow more research, better diagnosis and treatments. I have many more plans, and will never stop standing on my soap box on behalf of all the women still too unwell to do it themselves.

Love to all my readers!

Merry Samhain and a Happy New Year!

PMDD-Community Page - http://www.facebook.com/pages/PMDD-Community/144345554824
PMDD Support Group - http://www.facebook.com/groups/pmddsupportgroup/
PMDD Support Group 2 - http://www.facebook.com/groups/244763498872960/ 

Natural and Alternative Healing for PMDD Page - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Natural-and-Alternative-Healing-for-PMDD/307325192627145

Wellbeing for Women - http://www.wellbeingofwomen.org.uk/

Mind - http://www.mind.org.uk/

Facebook - A REALITY CHECK!!

Some thoughts on PMDD and Facebook....

So, those of you in their 30's, like me, remember the internet growing from an amazing idea that 'one day, everyone could have the internet in their own home', to what now seems to be something that's integral to everyone's day to day life.

I remember getting the internet for the first time. I was living with my husband and had just had my first child. In those days, I would email occasionally, download free screensavers and visit the odd website. Looking back, the internet then was like one of those huge shopping centres that open up. Full of potential, but only half the shops are occupied and going there feels like a waste of time.

Over the years, I have become more hooked, and have blogged on various sites, attempted to build and run websites and participated on online forums. Before Facebook, I would use chat rooms to meet new people online... The net then, was still quite a lonely place to be unless you had lots of real life friends online too.

After my marriage ended at the ripe old age of 25, I found myself tied to the house with a 3 year old. There was no company, not much of a social life, so blogging, chatting and uploading my artwork to various sites kept me busy. The internet became my friend, my outlet and 'hobby'.

Then came Facebook.

I was a late joiner and an even later user. I sat on Facebook not knowing what to do for about a year.... I found a few school friends, and it was nice to get in touch, but there was a reason you lost touch with around 90% of your school mates in the first place. You make friends at school because you are stuck there with them everyday.. they may live near you and share the same bus. It doesn't mean you will actually really get on that well, like them, or want to stay in touch for the rest of your lives. For some, revisiting the old school days can bring up painful emotions and memories you'd rather not be reminding of.

I was considering deleting my profile but then I searched for my half brother who I'd only ever met once, and I found him! It was through meeting my half brother and sister on Facebook that I became a fan. It was my window into their world, it was a way of staying in contact. I had a reason to stay on Facebook!

I've never been very good at staying in touch. The PMDD means there are a whole other bag of issues surrounding trust and friendships. And lets face it, before email and Facebook, how many letters did you write to stay in touch with people?  

How often did you use the phone to call up random people from your past? It all requires effort, and nowadays Facebook is the laziest option.

As a sufferer of PMDD, I was then faced with all sorts of new emotions to deal with.

I had experienced similar stuff before as a member of a busy online forum. Sometimes people would say horrible stuff, or delete you, and you are left with a weird mixture of emotions over someone you don't even know in the real world. On Facebook, this is even more prevalent.

PMDD does crazy things to your mind and perceptions. What 'normal' clear headed 'you' would shrug off, the PMDD'ing 'you', feels, like a stab in the heart. Someone deletes your friendship, deletes a comment, argues or even worse.. blocks you... it can cause a premenstrual mind to implode with all manner of negative feeling and thoughts.... then the paranoia and awkwardness sets in... do I ask why? Should I contact them? They must hate me.. I'm so horrible... etc

Facebook does provide a shoutbox to the world, and this is mostly, a good thing. Unfortunately though, during PMDD rages, outbursts or breakdowns, it can be a volatile place to be. Status messages, so commonly cause a whole string of issues. In the dysphoric PMDD state, you may post something really out of order, you may even know it's out of order, but, something pushes you to do it anyway.. YOU DONT CARE... it's gotta be said... I want everyone to know... whatever...

We then have to deal with comments back. In a PMDD rage, sometimes kind comments will enrage you further (depending on who they come from), negative comments will make you feel like crap, and some people (like other PMDD or depression sufferers you have in your friends list) might even encourage you to feel worse by joining in with your misery... None of which are beneficial to you calming down and riding the wave till the feeling subsides, in fact, all it does is aggravate the situations.

Before Facebook, addressing the world like this would not have even been possible!

You will cause yourself more pain and stress if you use Facebook statuses to share your woe's. How many people in your friends list really care? How many do you know in real life? How many do you actually really like and want to always keep in your life?

When I feel I am about to write something that is unnecessary, I will sit for a moment and consider what it says.. is it directed at someone? If it is, that's not fair... If it's something really negative.. do people really need to see it? All you are doing is perpetuating the feeling, or even worse, lighting a firework that might blow at any point, and probably up in your face, leaving you feeling really stupid, hurt, and guilty.

You are better off writing it all out and posting it to a support group, or direct to one of your more trusted friends. Striking up a conversation with someone, asking for help or sharing is far more productive then moaning to a crowd... of which only a few are even listening..

If you desperately want to post how bad you are feeling to the world, then have a little image search first.. find a picture that describes how you feel, a photograph, a drawing.. maybe you might find a quote that sums it up, or words from a poem. Share in it a different form. Help it evolve from raw, angry destructive emotion into something more beautiful and creative. Post a video of a song that describes the feeling...

Facebook is a great thing.. but you HAVE to look after yourselves. If Facebook becomes a source of more angst and problems, then it's time to get a reality check. If you can't use it without freaking out, getting upset, destroying relationships and friendships then take a break. 

If it causes you to spiral into negative thinking patterns about how unpopular you are, how much everyone hates you, how useless you are etc, then get the hell off the net and go take a walk, have a bath and bring your focus back to your real life, your real friends and family and well.. REALITY!!

We never had Facebook before... we never had to see what the girl who sat next to us in maths wore on her wedding day, we've never had hundreds of peoples lives there, in front of us, for us to compare to, scrutinise, and be jealous of. The fact that we let Facebook become such a source of emotion is worrying, and if you suffer with mental health problems, it can bring up a minefield of negative emotions. We have to be in control. No-one can monitor our use but us. No-one can turn off the computer for you and make you do something else instead. You have to take responsibility. If you are having a really bad time, and Facebook starts upsetting you... then recognise that, recognise that NOW is not a good time to be logged in. Take a break for a bit.. visit some other websites... move away from social interaction when you know there's a storm brewing.

I'm sure, most women with PMDD will know the feeling of hitting a friend with a statement that you know is gonna cause trouble. You have to remember that our bolts out of the blue, of our truth at that moment is usually a shock to others and they will obviously react accordingly (unless they REALLY know you). We are then left with a mess to clear up, or a ruined friendship and feelings of being a horrible human being.... The easiest way to avoid this, is to avoid Facebook at this time, at least, avoid posting negative status messages and learn some restraint and control when you want to share a negative state of feeling. Be creative!

Here's a little thought for you...

What if the plug to the internet was pulled tomorrow? What if you woke up and the net wasn't there? What if there was NO FACEBOOK?!!

Who would you share with? Who would you go to to talk with? What would you do with yourself?

It's good to spend time in real life! Facebook is a virtual reality... It has it's benefits, and can be a source of fun and entertainment, but it isnt REAL. It's a cyberworld of people, most of whom you haven't met, and full of unreal situations and stressors.

Look after yourself, don't let the PMDD ruin things just because the platform exists to do so. Switch off the laptop and go somewhere nice... visit someone local, bake, walk... create, spend your time differently when you feel crap... you can always take photo's of your journeys and creations and upload them when you feel better! I mean.. if it really did happen, if for what ever reason we lost our internet world tomorrow, what would you have? Who would you have?

It's good to keep a foot in the 'real world'. Pretend the internet doesn't exist for a day!