This is not the end.

It's been a while since I've written a blog, and there are many reasons for this. Life stuff takes over sometimes and attention needs to be elsewhere, but alongside this, I have been coming to some very different conclusions about my own PMDD. I have mentioned before about how hard it is to explain and express all the things that have changed within me since I started this blog, and I have felt a real inner conflict for many months now.

Some of the things I have learned means my view of PMDD has changed massively. When I started this blog, and began sharing my story and understandings, I was in a dark place. This was due to many things alongside PMDD. PMDD was not solely responsible for my life feeling too hard to bear. I can look back and see that now, but when you are caught up in the daily drama, it's easy to feel like PMDD is to blame for all of life's shortcomings. In 5 years, my life has changed dramatically, and in those years I have found friends, fellow sufferers and other people like me.

When I say 'other people like me' I mean those who also have PMDD, but are choosing to work spiritually with it rather than continue down the route of believing that we need to be 'fixed' or that there is something inherently wrong with us.

I no longer believe there is anything wrong with me. The past 5 years have taken me to the depths of despair, but they have also been so valuable. PMDD has actually been the most powerful guide I could have had. I know many readers may think I've lost the plot, or that maybe, I could never have really suffered with PMDD to begin with, and that's fine. You can judge me however you like.

I come across a lot of women through the PMDD community page, and many want a 'cure'. Many want a magic tablet to make everything better. They want labels and recognition for that label. PMDD is just a label. It's the label doctors give to a woman who is sensitive to the hormonal changes in the body, and when those hormonal changes create a string of infinite symptoms that becomes life destroying. Some people want it to be a mental disorder, some want it to be an endocrine disorder and some believe it originates in the gut. I shared an article recently about PMDD being labelled a mental disorder, and someone commented saying that if it was all in the mind then how did it a hysterectomy cure her? Thing is, the brain controls everything, it controls the production of hormones, and it is affected by hormones. Hysterectomy is the ultimate off switch. The brain no longer needs to tell the body to make those hormones. Having a hysterectomy may be the most successful way of treating PMDD to date, but it is an extreme measure to take, especially if you want children and haven't been able to conceive. So it may be effective, but is it the best way? Swapping PMDD for early menopause has never been something I have wanted to do. I know a few women who have had their PMDD 'cured' by means of hysterectomy, some have had other problems occur, some haven't, but on the most part, I hear many women say they are glad to have had it done, and I for one am happy that they are no longer suffering and have a chance at a new life without PMDD. There are many different views on the causes of PMDD. The only I would like to say for certain is it is a imbalance in the body and mind which can have devastating effects.

We all need more research to be done. Its almost 2014 and we still don't fully understand the workings of the female body, we don't know why hormones create such illusions and dysphoria in the brain. We don't know the root cause of PMDD (if there is one). There is research being done, all be it a few small studies here and there, but still not enough is known. The doctors don't understand it, and there are very few specialists. I'd like to point out that we are talking about the medical realm right now, so when I say doctors and specialists, I mean the people conventionally trained in conventional medicine. Doctors, more often than not, want to help, but they are in the dark too. They have drugs that are unlicensed for PMDD but treat conditions similar to PMDD, so that's what we get. They try, but always remember that the doctors are just ONE aspect or avenue to healing, and often, they are working with pharmaceutical companies pushing their products, getting people reliant on yet another expensive drug. They will look at PMDD ONE way, and often dismiss others.

Turning my back on medication was the best thing I ever did. Saying away from the health services unless absolutely necessary. This is my story, my reality, I am not suggesting anyone do the same. This is what's ended up silencing me so often. How do I share my healing and this amazing transition when it is so personal to me?

I think that people have their own realities and most tend to stay within certain ideals. If it is your belief that taking a pill can cure you, then maybe you will find peace or ways to manage PMDD by using medication. If your belief is that removing your womb will cure the problem then you are more likely to go for that option when your symptoms are out of control. If you believe that talking therapy and mind techniques such as CBT is the way then you may find that successful for you. You also have to factor in what 'pay offs' there are with each belief. Medication will most likely come with side effects. Surgery might mean HRT. Talking therapies may not help physical symptoms.

My belief is that my body can create illness. That the mind and body are closely interlinked and often, an illness in the body is connected to, maybe even created by the brain. If my dis-ease in the body is stemming from dis-ease in the brain then surely, healing the brain can heal the body? By healing the brain, or re-training the brain, we can break out of the cyclical patterns that PMDD can put us in. My life 5 years ago was chaotic (it still is.. but in a good way nowadays) There were many things going on that would make the sanest and strongest of women cry and feel like life wasn't worth living.

PMDD almost responds to how well you are living your life. For me, being really unwell is a measure of the stress in my life at that moment. I've spent 3 years observing my moods and monthly cycles. I am not free of mood swings, manic craziness and deep depression, but I am free of almost all of the negative self beliefs I held about myself, the extra nastiness that clings onto you after an 'episode'. I don't spend days beating myself up, telling myself how shit I am, convincing myself I am not loved or wanted like I used to. I get up, take a deep breath and get on with life again. I've manage to reduce the drama of PMDD. I'm learning how to communicate better, how to avert disaster by using the right words. Things that seem so simple, yet these simple things really have changed my life.

5 years ago I didn't really have any hopes for the future, I didn't know where I was going, what I wanted. Two young children and a mood disorder that seemed to ruin everything. I hated life. I guess it's something that all young mums go through at some point. The feeling like you'll never have a career, that the things you are interested in are at the bottom of the pile of importance. I was also in a terrible relationship and hadn't dealt with all my childhood stuff. Add PMDD symptoms at their worst and BAM, there I was. Now, it seems logical looking back, that my symptoms were at their worst because of the state my life was in, but you don't know when your are in that moment that this is the worst moment you'll ever have, or that things will even change. You get locked into a belief that things will stay the same forever, but that is the only thing of absolute certainty, everything changes, nothing stays the same.

I now live day to day with my 'PMDD'. On the most part I am fine, although I have noticed I seem to have 2 almighty crashes a year around spring and autumn, which corresponds to pre-ovulation (spring) and pre-menstruation (autumn). The only other times I crash is when life gets really stressful. Stress is relative. What I can cope with is different to what another can cope with. Life has been tough this year and I have had to test my methods against some really challenging situations. Thankfully, I came through it all, I survived, and any women PMDD or not, would have felt the pressure. When the darkness or craziness hits, I hold on. I know it will pass, I use the things I know will help me.

All this change however does mean saying goodbye to certain things. Blogging about my PMDD helped through the worst times. Writing articles and researching helped develop my understanding and open my mind to new ideas. Meeting so many lovely women through the blog and on Facebook has been the best return for the hours spent.

I now feel like I am well enough to start building a career, and wheels have been in motion for a while. PMDD and depression can mean you spend long periods of time looking at your life and working out what it is you want to do. I realised that I want my life to be about creating, about art, about teaching and living a mindful life. I don't want to spend my hours anymore focusing on PMDD in a way that pleases the masses. I don't want to have to try and explain myself to people who don't really care.
I worry that I will upset people, because my views have changed. I started a campaign to get PMDD recognised, because for that medical world, it NEEDS to be, but at the same time, I no longer want to carry the label. I use the label for society's sake, to give them something they can understand, but my inner belief is not that I have some terrible disorder that I have no control over. I have something that not many people can begin to comprehend. I have something that can actually be very useful to me.

Running the groups on FB and interacting with people on the community page can be really stressful. It takes my time and focus away from the positive things in my life, so these days I tend to limit my participation. I often feel bad for this, but I have to let go and move on. I find few people ready to even contemplate the possibility that they have the power to control and manage PMDD without meds, anything that I post that isn't mainstream gets jumped on, and my motives questioned. I have only ever been a Sharer Of Information! I share more things I have no personal interest in than things that I believe in... and this is where things have to change. I can't even stand the name of this blog anymore! MY PMDD! HA! I even claimed it as mine... well it isn't any longer.

I have to find my voice within the alternative PMDD realm and find the others like me. I have plans, but there is still some way to go, and my main priority is my art, spirituality and teaching. Thats what I want to spend my time on. I can no longer spend time on projects that feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. For now, I am in control and that means we go full steam ahead on projects. My cyclical energy still means I have downtime every month, but y'know, I think I'm healthier for it, and there are certainly less battles. I will write here occasionally, but the PMDD Awareness site is going to be taken down. I did it because I could, and because I thought it was needed and helpful, but I cannot maintain it and promote it. Anything I do from now on with regard to PMDD is gonna be a reflection of my beliefs and experiences, for other women out there who want to try managing their moods in an alternative way. This blog will stay as is and I may update from time to time to let you know about any new projects I may have in the future, but essentially, this is the end of an era.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.. Thank you for all the support you've all given me over the years, I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for each and every interaction I ever had through this blog and Facebook.

As always... thanks for reading.

PMS Free Now

I was contacted by a lady called Pennie who has devised a healing program to ease or eliminate PMS and PMDD symptoms.  I visited the website www.pmsfreenow.com to find a simple site with a video and adverts for more video's coming soon.  It's the sort of site I would probably skip thinking it's a scam, but as Pennie had contacted me personally, briefly sharing that she had suffered with PMDD in the past, I felt I should watch it before I made any judgements.

It was good!  Pennie gives sound advice and brings forward considerations that all women should be aware of when they are suffering with PMD or PMDD.  There is somewhere you can sign up to receive the other videos (I forget where, but I know I did as I got a few emails from Pennie's website over the next few days) all of which are free, and full of things you may not have considered looking at with regard to your PMDD symptoms.

Now, the way I saw it, was this was obviously leading into a paid program or service, and as someone who has been surfing the web for years, it had the distinct vibe that this would be pricey.  I also wanted to know more about Pennie.  Who was she?  what were her credentials?  I certainly wouldn't ever want to be promoting anything scam-like.  So me being me, emailed her direct and said that I would share her website with all of you, if she wrote us a blog about how PMS Free Now came to be.

My mind was working along the lines of the fact that maybe others out there had missed some good advice or a chance to work with a specialised program by being a little put off by the lack of personal info about Pennie and her journey, and to me, knowing the person and the website is legit is pretty top priority.  Anyway, Pennie is lovely and was very happy to share a blog with us.

Learning to Trust a Failing Body.

It was my 20th birthday and I found myself lying on my bed crying. Why? I had NO idea.
I just knew that it felt like my life was over and that I could not stop crying.
It made no sense. My life at that point was exciting and fun and this particular day I was super excited about hosting a big party later that night and I had looked forward to this day for several weeks. Still, a few hours before the guests were to arrive I was swallowed by this big black hole and I did not have a clue what was going on.

This is the first specific memory I have from PMS/PMDD. However, when I finally a few years later was beginning to understand what was happening to me I could see that the signs and symptoms were there long before that. I used to think of these days as "Tooth Brushing Days". Why? Because brushing my teeth was about the most advanced task I could take on those days without becoming completely overwhelmed and crumble to pieces. That was of course if I did not look into the bathroom mirror - if I did, I would see this awful reflection of myself and break down in tears and even the tooth brushing would too difficult to complete.

Over the years these random (top secret) Tooth Brush Days evolved into (still top secret)recurring Tooth Brush Weeks. Extreme mood swings, self loathing, crying spells that would last for days...Looking back now I do not know how I managed. I guess you do because you have to. And, I saw no other option but to keep trying: trying to cope with the symptoms and trying to find a way to beat them.

I tried everything under the sun: hormones in various different shapes and forms, anti-depressants, different herbs/ supplements/ vitamins, meditation, hair analysis, blood analysis, Ayur-vedic medicine, traditional Chinese medicine, acupressure, acupuncture, special diets, detoxifications & cleanses, exercises, Qi Gong and yoga. And, lots of other things too. Nothing seemed to work.

Deep down I wanted to trust my body. I wanted to trust its wisdom and its healing intelligence that I on some level knew was there. However, it felt like my body was broken and therefore could not do its job and therefore could not be trusted. I felt betrayed by my own body. And, I constantly felt like I let myself down by not coming up with a solution.

This battle went on for almost twenty years. Luckily I found the strength to keep going because one day I did find what I had been searching for all those years: the tools I needed to heal my body and my life! The tools that were able to transform my life were Muscle Testing and Energy Medicine. 

With the help of Muscle Testing I could finally figure out why my body was failing every month. I discovered that my body was NOT broken. And, I discovered it was on my side - it was working 24/7 - just like me - to try and heal! However, there were so many things in the way. Things I was not aware of, both physical and non-physical things, were blocking my body from healing. Old traumas, emotions and beliefs disrupted my energy field and kept my body in a non-healing state. Also, a massive fungal infection plus a number of energy toxins were constantly destabilising my hormones. With some diet adjustments, some other life style changes - and with the help of the gentle techniques of modern Energy Medicine - these blocks were not hard to overcome and sure enough, when they were gone, so was my PMS/PMDD. My dream had finally come true. 

A few years later I am still living my dream: I am able to enjoy life in a way that I could only dream of before and I am so grateful for this. However, no matter how fantastic it feels when your dreams come true there are always room for new dreams. My new dream is to help women who are still struggling with PMS/PMDD - to offer them hope and to provide them with the tools they need in order to heal. 

I know we all have our own journey's to make and your journey may be very different from mine. However, by sharing our stories we can spread hope and ideas to each other. If you want to know more about some of the things I learned on my journey you are welcome to check out my website: www.pmsfreenow.com. And, wherever your journey takes you - I wish you all the best.

Blessings, 

Pennie Kristiansson

We all struggle with the medical profession, some of us spend a small fortune visiting specialists, buying supplements etc, some of us prefer not to take medication and go the alternative drug free route.  What Pennie is offering is akin to seeing a PMDD Specialist, only the tools she uses are very different to those Gynaecologists in London.  Now, I couldn't afford a private specialist, and I'm pretty sure I couldn't afford what Pennie is offering, however, I have to remember that not everyone is as skint as me!  and in the name of sharing information and introducing you to other ways to combat PMDD, I felt it was my duty to share this with you.  The PMS Free Now videos are free and worth a watch, even if you think that you know everything there is to know.  You might not!

Give the video's a watch.  Check out Pennie's other site www.thenovaplace.com Womens Holistic Health Centre and head over to her Facebook page www.facebook.com/PennieKristiansson and give her a like.  She is after all a PMDD survivor,  a success story! and is trying to help others overcome their symptoms too.  What she's offering might not be for you, but go show your support anyway... and go check out her free videos!  what have you got to lose!