“We pretend to be strong because we
are weak.”
― Paulo Coelho
I'm waiting to bleed, it's day 28.
I find myself crying again, I can feel
the rush of hormones. My man asks if I'm OK...
A year or so ago, I may have flown into
a rage, angry over being asked. I may have just gone quiet and said, I'm
fine, or leave me alone. Nowadays, I dive into his arms and cry into
is chest. I accept his love, his concern and feel better for a hug
and his understanding when I am feeling like my world is about to be
upturned.
This got me thinking (especially as I
am in pre-menstrual thinking overdrive).
Women with PMDD deal with an extreme
amount of rage, anger, self loathing and fear. We feel weak and
inadequate. We cannot deal with the same amount of stress that other
people can.
Society tells us that as women, we
should be able to handle everything life throws at us and cope with
it all. There has been a big deal made out of women needing to be as
strong as their male counterparts. Equal in every way.... except, we
aren't.
Women may feel that they cannot
possibly show weakness. They cannot let on to their partners,
family, work colleagues that they are finding things hard. This
happens to all women to some extent, but with PMDD, it's much more
extreme, as the hormones seem to take over and control us.
The false
moods and irrational thoughts leave us feeling out of control, weak
and unable to complete the simplest of tasks.
What happens when we feel inadequate?
If we can't over compensate by becoming super woman to prove we are
just as good as the men, or other more stable women, then we end up
feeling frustrated at ourselves, and our situation. We end up angry
and full of fight.. defensive. Even with the people we love. We
don't want them to see our weaknesses. We don't want them to have to
'look after us' as that makes us far from the strong independent
capable women that society says we should be.
I look back over my own life and my own
PMDD story and find the fight and defensiveness there at every turn.
Right from a child, I knew that to cry in public was a sign of
weakness, and that to get on in the world we have to be able to do
what the men do. Work, earn, provide... I was always embarrassed by
my mother's ability to sob in public, she would cry at the drop of a
hat, especially to an emotional song or film, and quite often, I
would feel the lump in my throat and the tears building, but I would
not allow myself to cry. Cry baby. Soppy cow. Why are are you
crying? I often had no explanation to explain why I felt like
crying, and didn't want to answer that question. I have always
avoided films and music that are liable to make me cry.
In my youth, I turned to Heavy Metal
music, especially the stuff sung (or screamed) by women. I wanted
nothing more than to experience those strong emotions. The 'fuck you'
of a woman screaming and roaring as good as any man. The lack of
tears, the abundance of hate and anger. I related. I felt it made
me strong and equal. Another mask to put on to the world. Men often
became a target in the lyrics, with one of my favourite female bands
(Otep) even writing a song called 'Menocide'. Yet now, that kinda
turns my stomach, for there is nothing gained in the pendulum
swinging all the way over to the other side. At the time it fed my
need to be strong, to be like a man.
When women act like men, what
do the men do? When women are downing pints and shots at the pub
alongside their male peers, fighting and brawling in the street, what
do men see? Women? Or women who are more like their male friends?
In which case, why should they treat us like women, when we don't act
like one?
During PMDD days, I can sob at an
advert, or a situation in a soap opera. I still feel that shame. I
still feel embarrassed. Although, I am working on that. There IS no
shame in feeling emotion. There is no shame in feeling so deep that
a song, or lyrics send you into a tearful mess. There is no shame in
admitting that you feel low, or for even crying when there appears to
be no reason for it.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of
power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are
the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of
unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving
During my PMDD weepiness, I may be
crying for all the pain I've ever felt in my life, for all the pain
my ancestors may have gone through. I may be crying for all the
cruelty and poverty there is in the world. I may be crying just
because I need to cry. Why should I feel shame for that?
Menstruation connects us to a deeper
place. It connects us to our ancestors and can bring about great
insight and learning. Women ARE more sensitive at this time. FACT.
The shame and embarrassment brings on a
reaction of needing to cover it. I don't want people to think I am
weak, over sensitive, over emotional or stupid. How can I explain
the tears?
Men don't do this. I am highlighting
our gender differences. Maybe I am letting the feminist side down.
I am weak and giving men a reason to see me (women) as weak.
Women sometimes cry easier in the
presence of another woman. A close friend or aunt may console us.
We know that we sometimes need to 'let it all out', but to do that in
front of a man? When most men feel uncomfortable with that amount of
emotion pouring out from the soul? To do that in front of our
partners and husbands? That seems alien to a lot of us, despite both
parties claiming to love one another.
This need to remain strong and
collected in front of our men is what brings about the complete
opposite in emotions. We don't want them to see us a weak. We don't
want to admit we need them to protect us and keep us safe. With
equality and all the blurred lines between male and female roles, men
just don't know what to do, and if we are pushing them away and
denying them the chance to protect and show us compassion, we are
then stealing away their opportunity to fulfil their role within the
relationship.
Ladies with PMDD often end up directing
all this anger and frustration at their partners as a smoke screen.
We overcompensate and allow ourselves to become strong, so strong we
are fierce and aggressive. We are like crazed warriors about to go
into battle. Only there is no battle. There is someone we love who
desperately wants to help, who wants to be able to 'do something' to
make it all better.
We fight them, because to allow them to help, to
allow ourselves to fall into their arms and cry and say we can't cope
right now is to show them we are weak, and with that brings about a
whole manner of inadequacies that appear to no longer be socially
acceptable.
'Other women cope' Other women manage
to hold down a job, have kids, study, cook, clean and stay sane all
month long so why not me/us? We feel that our PMDD makes us
inferior. It doesn't. It makes us different. It makes us super
sensitive. If women with PMDD can embrace this aspect and shake off
the stigma of showing signs of weakness the anger is calmed. As I
type this, so many memories come to mind. I can feel the tickle in
my nose, the tears building up. Have no reason to be crying right
now, yet the tears want to come.
As a woman, I am an emotional being. I
want to fully embrace what it is to be a woman. The past 2 years
have seen me stop fighting. I accept, I surrender, I have learned to
feel comfortable crying around my man. I go with the flow and allow
safe passage to whatever needs to manifest. Who am I to censor
myself? Who am I to curb, halt, or stop the feelings that need to
flow?
It is no wonder we have come to be like
this.
In days gone by, women with PMDD would have been called
Witches. Demonic. We would have been misunderstood as being
possessed by the devil and locked up in asylums... another reason to
want to stay secret, to hide away, to remain anonymous. Women have
undergone so many terrible punishments for being female. Showing any
sign of intuition became labelled as witchcraft or possession.
Hundreds of thousands of women died during the
witch trials, who were no more than healers, midwives, herbalists and quite
possibly women with PMDD, women who were sensitive to their hormones,
who felt the rages and let them out, who acted as if they were
possessed by a demon.
I know that some of my tears must be for them,
and my ancestors, some of which must surely have been caught up in
the terror. In the UK, it is a mere 61 years since the repeal of the
Witchcraft Act, yet to this day, in many other countries, women still face charges
like this, often with the penalty of death.
So in many ways it is no wonder there
is a such a stigma attached to women with mood disorders, whether
they use their intuitive abilities or not, the outward signs of PMDD
are frowned upon and still come with a hefty amount of shame, guilt
and penalties for not being consistently able to live like everyone
else.
Women need to reclaim what it is to be
a women. We need to celebrate out difference, and not feel ashamed
to embrace our feminine nature. Next time you fight with your
partner, just stop for a second and ask yourself why you are
fighting. Is there a legitimate reason to be fronting up to your
partner? Or deep down, do you really just need a big hug and some
reassurance that everything will be OK?
I can't being to describe how much this
has helped my relationship. After swearing I would never marry
again, I find myself a wife once more. My husband is not my enemy.
My husband can provide me with protection, with love, with safety
from everything else that is bad in the world. I am lucky to have
such a man, who accepts his male role, however strange it may seem to
others. But this is only possible because I allow him to take on
that role. I trust him enough to let him see me during my weak
moments. He doesn't expect me to be strong all the time. He doesn't
value me any less because I have these moments.
By blowing away the
smoke screen, the façade, the pretence that I am 'fine' all the
time, we have been able to develop a much closer relationship.
My hope is that more women, especially
the ones who suffer with PMDD will begin to embrace what it really
means to be female, and find strength in what other perceive to be
weakness. It is not a weakness if you need to take time out, if you
need a break, to cry, to sleep, or to dream. It is not a weakness if
you are string enough to be honest. Honesty is by far the strongest
action, and to admit you need help, love, a hug, is to put out the
raging fire and unite with someone in a warm glow of friendship,
companionship, compassion and love.
“We are all travellers in the
wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is
an honest friend.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson
“Hiding how you really feel and
trying to make everyone happy doesn't make you nice, it just makes
you a liar.”
― Jenny O'Connell
“You wear a mask for so long, you
forget who you were beneath it.”
― Alan Moore, (V for
Vendetta)
“Do not consider me now as an elegant
female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking
the truth from her heart.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little
insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to
handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell
don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe
“I don't mind living in a man's
world, as long as I can be a woman in it.”
― Marilyn Monroe
(Marilyn)
©Cat Hawkins 2012
