PMDD in Chat it's fate magazine.

Today, my story came out in the August edition of Chat it's fate magazine.  I was contacted by them earlier in the year to share my story about PMDD, the menstrual cycle and my art.  I felt this was a way to raise some awareness of how severe PMS can become, along with how I came to heal myself from the worst symptoms.  If you would like to read my story you can find it in all larger newsagents for the next month.

If you are interested in finding out more about PMDD, please check out my PMDD blog, Meet My PMDD, or visit the UK's National Association for Premenstrual Syndrome (NAPS) or the USA's National Association for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

To find out more about the alternative ways of understanding the menstrual cycle, please have a read through my Natural Shaman blog, particularly the article I wrote for Indie Shaman magazine, The Magic of the Menstrual Cycle and my experience at a menstrual workshop with Alexandra Pope.

Sign up to learn more about your menstrual cycle with Red School Online.  Red School Online is a new way to learn about your cycle, with peer support, fantastic learning tools and private group chat.  Go check it out!

Red School also features some of my work in their teaching materials, you can find my poster in my Etsy store.  If you would like to see more of my feminine art work, please visit my gallery over at chaoticat.com.

This is not the end.

It's been a while since I've written a blog, and there are many reasons for this. Life stuff takes over sometimes and attention needs to be elsewhere, but alongside this, I have been coming to some very different conclusions about my own PMDD. I have mentioned before about how hard it is to explain and express all the things that have changed within me since I started this blog, and I have felt a real inner conflict for many months now.

Some of the things I have learned means my view of PMDD has changed massively. When I started this blog, and began sharing my story and understandings, I was in a dark place. This was due to many things alongside PMDD. PMDD was not solely responsible for my life feeling too hard to bear. I can look back and see that now, but when you are caught up in the daily drama, it's easy to feel like PMDD is to blame for all of life's shortcomings. In 5 years, my life has changed dramatically, and in those years I have found friends, fellow sufferers and other people like me.

When I say 'other people like me' I mean those who also have PMDD, but are choosing to work spiritually with it rather than continue down the route of believing that we need to be 'fixed' or that there is something inherently wrong with us.

I no longer believe there is anything wrong with me. The past 5 years have taken me to the depths of despair, but they have also been so valuable. PMDD has actually been the most powerful guide I could have had. I know many readers may think I've lost the plot, or that maybe, I could never have really suffered with PMDD to begin with, and that's fine. You can judge me however you like.

I come across a lot of women through the PMDD community page, and many want a 'cure'. Many want a magic tablet to make everything better. They want labels and recognition for that label. PMDD is just a label. It's the label doctors give to a woman who is sensitive to the hormonal changes in the body, and when those hormonal changes create a string of infinite symptoms that becomes life destroying. Some people want it to be a mental disorder, some want it to be an endocrine disorder and some believe it originates in the gut. I shared an article recently about PMDD being labelled a mental disorder, and someone commented saying that if it was all in the mind then how did it a hysterectomy cure her? Thing is, the brain controls everything, it controls the production of hormones, and it is affected by hormones. Hysterectomy is the ultimate off switch. The brain no longer needs to tell the body to make those hormones. Having a hysterectomy may be the most successful way of treating PMDD to date, but it is an extreme measure to take, especially if you want children and haven't been able to conceive. So it may be effective, but is it the best way? Swapping PMDD for early menopause has never been something I have wanted to do. I know a few women who have had their PMDD 'cured' by means of hysterectomy, some have had other problems occur, some haven't, but on the most part, I hear many women say they are glad to have had it done, and I for one am happy that they are no longer suffering and have a chance at a new life without PMDD. There are many different views on the causes of PMDD. The only I would like to say for certain is it is a imbalance in the body and mind which can have devastating effects.

We all need more research to be done. Its almost 2014 and we still don't fully understand the workings of the female body, we don't know why hormones create such illusions and dysphoria in the brain. We don't know the root cause of PMDD (if there is one). There is research being done, all be it a few small studies here and there, but still not enough is known. The doctors don't understand it, and there are very few specialists. I'd like to point out that we are talking about the medical realm right now, so when I say doctors and specialists, I mean the people conventionally trained in conventional medicine. Doctors, more often than not, want to help, but they are in the dark too. They have drugs that are unlicensed for PMDD but treat conditions similar to PMDD, so that's what we get. They try, but always remember that the doctors are just ONE aspect or avenue to healing, and often, they are working with pharmaceutical companies pushing their products, getting people reliant on yet another expensive drug. They will look at PMDD ONE way, and often dismiss others.

Turning my back on medication was the best thing I ever did. Saying away from the health services unless absolutely necessary. This is my story, my reality, I am not suggesting anyone do the same. This is what's ended up silencing me so often. How do I share my healing and this amazing transition when it is so personal to me?

I think that people have their own realities and most tend to stay within certain ideals. If it is your belief that taking a pill can cure you, then maybe you will find peace or ways to manage PMDD by using medication. If your belief is that removing your womb will cure the problem then you are more likely to go for that option when your symptoms are out of control. If you believe that talking therapy and mind techniques such as CBT is the way then you may find that successful for you. You also have to factor in what 'pay offs' there are with each belief. Medication will most likely come with side effects. Surgery might mean HRT. Talking therapies may not help physical symptoms.

My belief is that my body can create illness. That the mind and body are closely interlinked and often, an illness in the body is connected to, maybe even created by the brain. If my dis-ease in the body is stemming from dis-ease in the brain then surely, healing the brain can heal the body? By healing the brain, or re-training the brain, we can break out of the cyclical patterns that PMDD can put us in. My life 5 years ago was chaotic (it still is.. but in a good way nowadays) There were many things going on that would make the sanest and strongest of women cry and feel like life wasn't worth living.

PMDD almost responds to how well you are living your life. For me, being really unwell is a measure of the stress in my life at that moment. I've spent 3 years observing my moods and monthly cycles. I am not free of mood swings, manic craziness and deep depression, but I am free of almost all of the negative self beliefs I held about myself, the extra nastiness that clings onto you after an 'episode'. I don't spend days beating myself up, telling myself how shit I am, convincing myself I am not loved or wanted like I used to. I get up, take a deep breath and get on with life again. I've manage to reduce the drama of PMDD. I'm learning how to communicate better, how to avert disaster by using the right words. Things that seem so simple, yet these simple things really have changed my life.

5 years ago I didn't really have any hopes for the future, I didn't know where I was going, what I wanted. Two young children and a mood disorder that seemed to ruin everything. I hated life. I guess it's something that all young mums go through at some point. The feeling like you'll never have a career, that the things you are interested in are at the bottom of the pile of importance. I was also in a terrible relationship and hadn't dealt with all my childhood stuff. Add PMDD symptoms at their worst and BAM, there I was. Now, it seems logical looking back, that my symptoms were at their worst because of the state my life was in, but you don't know when your are in that moment that this is the worst moment you'll ever have, or that things will even change. You get locked into a belief that things will stay the same forever, but that is the only thing of absolute certainty, everything changes, nothing stays the same.

I now live day to day with my 'PMDD'. On the most part I am fine, although I have noticed I seem to have 2 almighty crashes a year around spring and autumn, which corresponds to pre-ovulation (spring) and pre-menstruation (autumn). The only other times I crash is when life gets really stressful. Stress is relative. What I can cope with is different to what another can cope with. Life has been tough this year and I have had to test my methods against some really challenging situations. Thankfully, I came through it all, I survived, and any women PMDD or not, would have felt the pressure. When the darkness or craziness hits, I hold on. I know it will pass, I use the things I know will help me.

All this change however does mean saying goodbye to certain things. Blogging about my PMDD helped through the worst times. Writing articles and researching helped develop my understanding and open my mind to new ideas. Meeting so many lovely women through the blog and on Facebook has been the best return for the hours spent.

I now feel like I am well enough to start building a career, and wheels have been in motion for a while. PMDD and depression can mean you spend long periods of time looking at your life and working out what it is you want to do. I realised that I want my life to be about creating, about art, about teaching and living a mindful life. I don't want to spend my hours anymore focusing on PMDD in a way that pleases the masses. I don't want to have to try and explain myself to people who don't really care.
I worry that I will upset people, because my views have changed. I started a campaign to get PMDD recognised, because for that medical world, it NEEDS to be, but at the same time, I no longer want to carry the label. I use the label for society's sake, to give them something they can understand, but my inner belief is not that I have some terrible disorder that I have no control over. I have something that not many people can begin to comprehend. I have something that can actually be very useful to me.

Running the groups on FB and interacting with people on the community page can be really stressful. It takes my time and focus away from the positive things in my life, so these days I tend to limit my participation. I often feel bad for this, but I have to let go and move on. I find few people ready to even contemplate the possibility that they have the power to control and manage PMDD without meds, anything that I post that isn't mainstream gets jumped on, and my motives questioned. I have only ever been a Sharer Of Information! I share more things I have no personal interest in than things that I believe in... and this is where things have to change. I can't even stand the name of this blog anymore! MY PMDD! HA! I even claimed it as mine... well it isn't any longer.

I have to find my voice within the alternative PMDD realm and find the others like me. I have plans, but there is still some way to go, and my main priority is my art, spirituality and teaching. Thats what I want to spend my time on. I can no longer spend time on projects that feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. For now, I am in control and that means we go full steam ahead on projects. My cyclical energy still means I have downtime every month, but y'know, I think I'm healthier for it, and there are certainly less battles. I will write here occasionally, but the PMDD Awareness site is going to be taken down. I did it because I could, and because I thought it was needed and helpful, but I cannot maintain it and promote it. Anything I do from now on with regard to PMDD is gonna be a reflection of my beliefs and experiences, for other women out there who want to try managing their moods in an alternative way. This blog will stay as is and I may update from time to time to let you know about any new projects I may have in the future, but essentially, this is the end of an era.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.. Thank you for all the support you've all given me over the years, I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for each and every interaction I ever had through this blog and Facebook.

As always... thanks for reading.

PMS Free Now

I was contacted by a lady called Pennie who has devised a healing program to ease or eliminate PMS and PMDD symptoms.  I visited the website www.pmsfreenow.com to find a simple site with a video and adverts for more video's coming soon.  It's the sort of site I would probably skip thinking it's a scam, but as Pennie had contacted me personally, briefly sharing that she had suffered with PMDD in the past, I felt I should watch it before I made any judgements.

It was good!  Pennie gives sound advice and brings forward considerations that all women should be aware of when they are suffering with PMD or PMDD.  There is somewhere you can sign up to receive the other videos (I forget where, but I know I did as I got a few emails from Pennie's website over the next few days) all of which are free, and full of things you may not have considered looking at with regard to your PMDD symptoms.

Now, the way I saw it, was this was obviously leading into a paid program or service, and as someone who has been surfing the web for years, it had the distinct vibe that this would be pricey.  I also wanted to know more about Pennie.  Who was she?  what were her credentials?  I certainly wouldn't ever want to be promoting anything scam-like.  So me being me, emailed her direct and said that I would share her website with all of you, if she wrote us a blog about how PMS Free Now came to be.

My mind was working along the lines of the fact that maybe others out there had missed some good advice or a chance to work with a specialised program by being a little put off by the lack of personal info about Pennie and her journey, and to me, knowing the person and the website is legit is pretty top priority.  Anyway, Pennie is lovely and was very happy to share a blog with us.

Learning to Trust a Failing Body.

It was my 20th birthday and I found myself lying on my bed crying. Why? I had NO idea.
I just knew that it felt like my life was over and that I could not stop crying.
It made no sense. My life at that point was exciting and fun and this particular day I was super excited about hosting a big party later that night and I had looked forward to this day for several weeks. Still, a few hours before the guests were to arrive I was swallowed by this big black hole and I did not have a clue what was going on.

This is the first specific memory I have from PMS/PMDD. However, when I finally a few years later was beginning to understand what was happening to me I could see that the signs and symptoms were there long before that. I used to think of these days as "Tooth Brushing Days". Why? Because brushing my teeth was about the most advanced task I could take on those days without becoming completely overwhelmed and crumble to pieces. That was of course if I did not look into the bathroom mirror - if I did, I would see this awful reflection of myself and break down in tears and even the tooth brushing would too difficult to complete.

Over the years these random (top secret) Tooth Brush Days evolved into (still top secret)recurring Tooth Brush Weeks. Extreme mood swings, self loathing, crying spells that would last for days...Looking back now I do not know how I managed. I guess you do because you have to. And, I saw no other option but to keep trying: trying to cope with the symptoms and trying to find a way to beat them.

I tried everything under the sun: hormones in various different shapes and forms, anti-depressants, different herbs/ supplements/ vitamins, meditation, hair analysis, blood analysis, Ayur-vedic medicine, traditional Chinese medicine, acupressure, acupuncture, special diets, detoxifications & cleanses, exercises, Qi Gong and yoga. And, lots of other things too. Nothing seemed to work.

Deep down I wanted to trust my body. I wanted to trust its wisdom and its healing intelligence that I on some level knew was there. However, it felt like my body was broken and therefore could not do its job and therefore could not be trusted. I felt betrayed by my own body. And, I constantly felt like I let myself down by not coming up with a solution.

This battle went on for almost twenty years. Luckily I found the strength to keep going because one day I did find what I had been searching for all those years: the tools I needed to heal my body and my life! The tools that were able to transform my life were Muscle Testing and Energy Medicine. 

With the help of Muscle Testing I could finally figure out why my body was failing every month. I discovered that my body was NOT broken. And, I discovered it was on my side - it was working 24/7 - just like me - to try and heal! However, there were so many things in the way. Things I was not aware of, both physical and non-physical things, were blocking my body from healing. Old traumas, emotions and beliefs disrupted my energy field and kept my body in a non-healing state. Also, a massive fungal infection plus a number of energy toxins were constantly destabilising my hormones. With some diet adjustments, some other life style changes - and with the help of the gentle techniques of modern Energy Medicine - these blocks were not hard to overcome and sure enough, when they were gone, so was my PMS/PMDD. My dream had finally come true. 

A few years later I am still living my dream: I am able to enjoy life in a way that I could only dream of before and I am so grateful for this. However, no matter how fantastic it feels when your dreams come true there are always room for new dreams. My new dream is to help women who are still struggling with PMS/PMDD - to offer them hope and to provide them with the tools they need in order to heal. 

I know we all have our own journey's to make and your journey may be very different from mine. However, by sharing our stories we can spread hope and ideas to each other. If you want to know more about some of the things I learned on my journey you are welcome to check out my website: www.pmsfreenow.com. And, wherever your journey takes you - I wish you all the best.

Blessings, 

Pennie Kristiansson

We all struggle with the medical profession, some of us spend a small fortune visiting specialists, buying supplements etc, some of us prefer not to take medication and go the alternative drug free route.  What Pennie is offering is akin to seeing a PMDD Specialist, only the tools she uses are very different to those Gynaecologists in London.  Now, I couldn't afford a private specialist, and I'm pretty sure I couldn't afford what Pennie is offering, however, I have to remember that not everyone is as skint as me!  and in the name of sharing information and introducing you to other ways to combat PMDD, I felt it was my duty to share this with you.  The PMS Free Now videos are free and worth a watch, even if you think that you know everything there is to know.  You might not!

Give the video's a watch.  Check out Pennie's other site www.thenovaplace.com Womens Holistic Health Centre and head over to her Facebook page www.facebook.com/PennieKristiansson and give her a like.  She is after all a PMDD survivor,  a success story! and is trying to help others overcome their symptoms too.  What she's offering might not be for you, but go show your support anyway... and go check out her free videos!  what have you got to lose!

The Menstrual Cycle - A Visual Guide

It never ceases to amaze me how many women don't really know what is going in inside their bodies during the menstrual cycle, or how to chart their cycle.  I don't mean that in an unkind way, it's just an observation.  Knowledge is the best tool you can have, and if you suffer with PMDD you need to do a bit of reading and get some of that valuable knowledge under you belt.  It will help as you try and figure out what happens at what point of your cycle, and having an idea of the physical changes inside you can really help.

Over the years I have come across videos and charts which have helped me to understand the changes my body goes through.  That understanding, in turn, led me to look for ways to support the changes rather than fight against them.  Timing and planning things around the different energies is now second nature.  Knowing my limits at each point of the cycle has really helped me live with PMDD.  I have the odd breakdown, but I am much more in control on a regular basis during all points of my cyclical changes.  That to me is like winning the lottery.

I decided to create a chart just for PMDD/PMS sufferers to refer to.  It shows the fluctuations in hormones, the physical changes, and the energetic/emotional changes.  Hopefully it will give you a good idea as to what is happening in side you when all hell breaks loose!  It also has key words to give you a feel for the natural energy of each phase..

I will go into the seasonal correspondences in another post, but it's quite easy to connect with.  Our energy grows after our period, peaks at ovulation and then slowly wanes until we bleed again. You can see this cycle happen in nature every year.  We have like a mini years worth of seasons in one month!  I have blogged about these theories before, you can find some of them here and here.  I also created a poster about these energies which you can find here -  http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/p/energy-cycle-poster.html.

We get all stressed out about feeling low, tired or crabby, but if we are pre menstrual or hitting ovulation there is a simple explanation!  Hormonal changes!  If you are still having trouble during the times when the hormones level out and are not finding yourself feeling better, then maybe there are other issues at play.  PMDD will drag you down during pre menstruation and in some cases, at ovulation too.  You should always feel better at each point between to two, but if you are not, you may need to look at whether your unhappiness/frustration is coming from a depression, an unsuitable job, an unhappy relationship, a past trauma or issue that hasn't been resolved.  PMDD plays a huge part in our emotional wellbeing, but it's not the only factor.  Stress and unresolved issues can add to the pressure and make an uncontrollable outburst more likely.

Here is the chart.  It clearly shows the fluctuations and changes the body goes through.  I have added where the PMDD crisis points are, along with the seasons of the year and key words that can give you an idea of the energies present during each phase.  Hopefully it is simple enough to understand, and below, is a written explanation.  Again, I hope I have written it in such a way that it is easy to understand.  I have read many a medical site that uses such technical words that it gets too complicated to understand!

To chart your periods, you start counting on the first day of bleeding.  That is day 1.  You keep counting until you bleed again and the again, the first day of bleeding becomes day 1.  Mark it on a calendar or use an app to keep track of your period.  This helps you to plan around your period by not taking on too much during the times that could be challenging.  I often count forward and also mark day 7, 14, 21 and 28.   That then gives me a quick view of where I will be emotionally and physically throughout the month.  Lots of cycles are longer or shorter, and that is normal.  28 days is just the average.  Ovulation always occurs around 14 days before your period, so if you have a short cycle, say, 21 days, you will ovulate on day 7.. if it is a longer cycle, say 32 days, you will ovulate around day 18.  It IS possible to ovulate twice in a month and to not ovulate at all.

The menstrual cycle is split into 3 phases, follicular, ovulation and luteal. The first phase is the follicular phase and corresponds to when the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone, produced in the brain) sends signals to the ovary to ripen and produce and egg.. This then produces more estrogen from the ovaries to enable the egg to ripen.. At ovulation, increasing estrogen levels from the maturing follicles cause the LH, luteinizing hormone, to surge, which releases the egg. The corpus luteum (a solid body of cells) is left behind at ovulation. The corpus luteum excretes progesterone and small amounts of estrogen and causes the womb lining to thicken in preparation for the egg. This is called the luteal phase. It prepares the body for pregnancy. During the luteal phase, estrogen drops quite rapidly and will fluctuate until your period. At the same time, progesterone is rising. It spikes around day 21, and then drops off rapidly. When the egg is not fertilised, the corpus luteum dies and stops producing progesterone and estrogen, this allows the womb to shed it's lining and cleanse the uterus.

The other hormones involved are those that are produced in the brain that send signals to the ovaries.  Gonadotropic hormones come from the pituitary glad in the brain.  They are controlled by GnRH frequencies that send out pulses to regulate the production of gonadotropic hormones.  In men, this pulse is contstant and steady.  In women, the frequencies change throughout the cycle which is what gives us a cycle that changes and fluctuates.  The change in frequency is what sends out the right amount of gonadotropic hormones to our ovaries to trigger the stages of the menstrual cycle.

The basal body temperature can help clearly indicate ovulation and is important for those trying to conceive or who use the fertility awareness method of contraception.  By orally taking your temperature every morning as soon as you wake (before even getting out of bed) and keeping a record, you will see a drop in temperature at ovulation and then it will rise from around 36.4°F to 36.7°F.  Other signs of ovulation is the consistency of cervical mucus.  At ovulation, this mucus will be fluid and watery.  Some women can tell they are ovulating just by how wet or moist they get.  This fluid helps sperm to swim more easily into the womb.  After ovulation, the cervical mucus will get thicker and more sticky.  This is much harder for the sperm to swim through, which helps with contraception.  For more info on the fertility awareness method and charting temperature, take a look at TCOYF.  Some women do also experience pain at ovulation.  Stabbing sharp pains on either the left or right side can signify which ovary you are ovulating from!  They are known as mittelschmerz.

By having even a basic understanding of the physiology of the menstrual cycle, you can get to grips with why we experience these changes in mind and body.  This is the physical process, but we all know that these changes DO have a significant effect on our mental health, moods and wellbeing. 

When you really learn and come to terms with the fact that our bodily processes are pretty much out of our hands.. meaning, we cannot stop them, (unless we control them with birth control/hormone therapy or hysterectomy) but we can start to look at ways of how to live and work WITH them.  Of course, we can influence our bodily functions.  By eating and sleeping right, exercising and staying away from stress we can encourage a healthier system... 

Never underestimate stress.  Stress can knock out these physical rhythms, causing the cycle to become off balance.  This can lead to irregular periods, changes in cycle length, missing or late periods and all manner of emotional symptoms.

I have produced an alternate version of this chart to share on Facebook, and may look at getting some printed for those who would like a hard copy to stick up at home...  If you are interested in buying a copy, please message me via my Facebook page or use my Kontactr box. 

Chart is for illustrative purposes only and includes the main factors responsible for the menstrual cycle.  There are obviously other smaller players on the menstrual stage, but for the purposes of PMDD education, I have focused on the star performers!

If you choose to download and share, please link back to me and do not remove my copyright from the image.  Please contact me if you wish to re blog, so I can give you a shout out in return!  Thank you. xx

© Cat Hawkins 2012 - Art and design by chaoticat.com.

Positive or Negative?

There has been some chat in the support group recently about positivity and negativity.  Support groups (and I mean any, not just mine) can be negative places and I mean negative in that most of what is discussed originates from a post that may be very negatively worded.

I started the groups on Facebook mainly because that was where I met other sufferers, for the first time, only a lot of the time I found myself not feeling comfortable sharing on an open wall for all to see.  Hence my closed groups were born.  This meant for me and many others that we had somewhere to write about our problems and worries, somewhere to rant and vent.  This often avoided the same rants or venting on personal pages, allowing people to seek help from an audience that completely understood why that person was having issues.  The problem with ranting to friends or in front of family is that quite often they do not really understand PMDD and therefore can assume all manner of things about the PMDD sufferer.

Lots of valuable information is shared in the groups, and over the past 2 years I have seen women find treatments and paths that have helped them manage their PMDD and lives to the point of leaving the groups never to return.   Some leave and come back after realising they are not quite ready to go it alone.  Having access to a group of women who completely understand really helps to transform the way you see PMDD, the way you see yourself and the world around you.

I have tried to make the groups a positive place, and many women post lots of positive messages, or update us on the good days as well as the bad, however, many feel they should not share the good days for fear of upsetting those on bad days.  Some may wonder if we are all just dwelling on it too much and keeping ourselves in a space of pain and hurt.  The way I see it is we all need support to find our path.  Some ladies may find that just a few kind words can transform their day, but the only way they are going to get a response is to share the negative situation they find themselves in.  Some ladies may only need the support of a group for a couple of months, some may need a couple of years.  This difference is because we are all unique and are at various points on our healing paths.

I think it's OK to have a space that absorbs all the negative.  Writing things down is known to be a good way to transform thoughts into something more tangible, real.  That way we can then release them.  I used to worry and dislike the way the Facebook wall works.  I was used to forums where you could go back on old posts and comments, and I could see (and still do) some really useful ways a forum could work, aside from the fact people wouldn't have to repeat themselves or have the same discussion over and over, and women could also look back and see how far they've come, or find past posts easier.  Unfortunately, the FB wall doesn't lend itself to this very well... it's a dumping ground.  The good thing about this however, is we are NOT reminded of the bad days all the time, the past is the past and is rarely brought back up for re-discussion.  This is good with regard to PMDD as we have these crazy, dark moments, but they are not us.. they may be typed up, posted, talked about and then are lost to the wall and we move on.

Each and every individual needs to take responsibility for themselves and their own healing, whether that includes meds or not.  I have always said the groups should not be a stress to anyone, and that if the negativity in the group is something that is causing you problems then you may need to take a break from the group (just like in life, really).  Many women only visit the group when they need to rant, or some may visit if they see a cry for help and they are strong enough to post a reply.  The support groups as they are work because they are really for one thing only, and that is to talk with other sufferers and find some understanding and sympathy.

What I would like to highlight though, is the power of negative words.  I think this is something all people should consider, but maybe women with PMDD more so.   

Last year, in our house, we tried The Big Apple Experiment.  You cut an apple in half and place it in identical glass, airtight jars, and then over the coming week/s you love one half and hate the other.

It was VERY easy to hate the hate half of the apple.  There was no trouble with finding hateful, hurtful things to say to that half of the apple.  My husband and I could rant at it for a while before running out of things to say, yet, when it came to saying lovely things to the other half, we all found it harder.  It even felt OK to hate, but when we tried to say loving things, it was not easy to find the words and we'd feel uncomfortable about expressing it.  What does that say about us?  Why do we not feel comfortable with speaking words of love and happiness?

Over the coming weeks we continued to talk to each half of the apple every day and the results were amazing.

You may be hugely skeptical, and if you are, I urge you to try it!  It's a great thing to do with the children to teach them about how their words can affect others, but it's also an eye opener as to what we may be doing to ourselves when we talk negatively about ourselves.  There is a lot of self hatred that goes on within PMDD groups, and of course, others will always give a hug and some reassuring words, but just LOOK at what you are potentially doing to yourself with negative words and thoughts.  These ideas, as mentioned in the video above, come from Masuru Emoto's work, which some of you may like to take a look at, and I also found another video!

It is good to rid yourself of negative emotions, we know that, however, when we see what that negativity can do to us and the people around us I think we all need to be more selective with our words, especially with the things we say to ourselves.  It's not about being all fluffy bunny and irritatingly positive all the time, but maybe finding more positive ways to look at things, and watching what you SAY and think.  Words have a massive impact on us, much more that we really realise.

As always, in the name of balance, I am also sharing a link with you which explores why positive thinking is NOT necessarily always good for you!  It's all great food for thought, and hopefully, somewhere in all this mornings ramblings, you may find something that helps you! http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creativity-and-personal-mastery/201004/why-positive-thinking-is-bad-you

The most important change I have made in my life with PMDD is that things are not BAD or GOOD.. POSITIVE or NEGATIVE... there are gifts to be found in the darkest of moments, there is positivity to be found even in the most awful situations.  I do not have good and bad weeks anymore, I have better weeks and more challenging weeks, or high energy weeks and low energy weeks.  I no longer allow myself to get sucked into self hatred and speaking terrible things at myself in the mirror.  I also curb what I say about others, knowing that that negative energy could find them and cause more rifts and friction.  In many spiritual traditions there is a Law of Three, or Threefold law.  That which you give out comes back to you 3 times over.  Some call it Karma.  If you give out positivity, you get back more positivity, and the same works for negativity.

So, in summary, there is a place for the support groups.  Somewhere to rant, rage, hate, let off steam, expel anger and meet others who can understand and share their experiences without judgement, however each and every one of us is responsible for their own lives, happiness, healing and well being.  No one can cure you, no one can save you, no one can make it all better with the swish of a wand, but we all have the ability to make life easier for ourselves, to break bad habits and try and see ourselves and situations from a different perspective.   

When I was at Uni, there was a lad who only drew in red.  Everything he did was created in red.  He was a bit worried about it, as he didn't want to lose marks.  The tutor was brilliant and said something that stuck with me ever since.. He said that the lad should go with it.. just work in red until the desire to work in red has gone.  At some point in the future he will get fed up with red and change to a different colour, but there was no point in trying to force it.  That's how I see the groups.  Women need it for a certain amount of time, they need a space to moan and offload, but that wont necessarily last forever, and in time, they will change the colour, or add colours, until they are off painting with all the colours the world has to offer.

Draw in red for a while, if that's what you need...  one day, you will change the colour, you will move on, you will change...  You may feel at the bottom of a deep dark pit, that everything you say is negative and then that in turn fuels MORE negativity, you may feel there is no way out, that you will always be like this, but you wont...  Nothing ever stays the same!

XX

Change something

Day 11. I actually had to check my tracker as I cannot remember a time before when things have been so smooth, I really didn't know what day I was on. I'm not sure what's different, but I feel different... Life is changing, so maybe the knock on is less symptoms? and I mean good change, positive change... I'm trying to find the words to help describe what's happened over this past cycle and a half... No negative symptoms, no crashes, or depression... been feeling pretty stable... and that is AMAZING!

Change something.  We end up repeating the same patterns because we become wired with REactions to things that happen in our lives.  This is the same with illness and dis-ease.  It IS possible to manage symptoms, to feel better, but you gotta change something.  You may have lots of ideas in your head that sound and feel like they would be good for you, why not make a promise to yourself to try one. 

Change ONE thing...  For me, this month, I started an online Astrology course.  2 hours every Monday morning.  It's given me something to get up for on a Monday.  It's a good start to the week.  It's made me organise and attempt other things in my life, stuff I may have been too scared to try.  By adding one structure into my life, it's having a knock on effect to other things.  I have wanted to do some formal study in Astrology all my life, and it feels good to finally be doing it.  WHY did I wait so long!

Go deep within.  You KNOW what's best for you.  If you are being called to change your job, find a job, write, draw, go to college or start a course the DO IT!  You may think of a thousand reasons why you can't or shouldn't, but ignore all that.  If it feels like the right path then take it.  Find a way.  If it IS the right path, it will happen, it will flow and it will feel easy.

Don't let PMDD stand in your way.  Almost every woman I have ever spoken too is smart, intelligent and strong.  They just need to realise it.  They just need to be brave and start to mold their lives around them, find their own way.  We are unique women, it just takes time to figure out how to be unique in a world that likes regularity and conformity.

xx ♥

 

Charity T Shirts

A little project I have started to keep me busy and focused!  I would really appreciate it if you could go and check out my shop.  With Christmas coming you just might find something unique for that special someone.  Every product sold raises money for animal charities, and buys me a fancy coffee!

Brand new for Yule 2012. http://chaoticatcreations.spreadshirt.co.uk/

Animal Spirit and Mandala T Shirts, available in a range of colours and sizes for men and women.
£2 from every animal spirit design will go to a respective charity.

'Azkonar' Badger Spirit Mandala (donations to Badger Trust)

 'Melissa' Bee Goddess Spirit Mandala (donations to British Beekeepers Association) and Wolf Woman Spirit Mandala (donations to Wolf Watch UK).

http://chaoticatcreations.spreadshirt.co.uk/

FREE SHIPPING (in EU) when you buy 2 or more products.

ONLY UNTIL 27th November 2012. 

Voucher Code: XMAS2U

http://chaoticatcreations.spreadshirt.co.uk/

HAPPY SHOPPING!

The Power in Sharing

I wrote this earlier... inspired by the following quote that came up in my news feed.  Although this is a blog and not a group, it still applies... and I felt like sharing.

"The truth is, in order to heal we need to tell our stories and have them witnessed...The story itself becomes a vessel that holds us up, that sustains, that allows us to order our jumbled experiences into meaning.
As I told my stories of fear, awakening, struggle, and transformation and had them received, heard, and validated by other women, I found healing.
I also needed to hear other women's stories in order to see and embrace my own. Sometimes another woman's story becomes a mirror that shows me a self I haven't seen before. When I listen to her tell it, her experience quickens and clarifies my own. Her questions rouse mine. Her conflicts illumine my conflicts. Her resolutions call forth my hope. Her strengths summon my strengths. All of this can happen even when our stories and our lives are very different."
— Sue Monk Kidd (The Dance of the Dissident Daughter: A Woman's Journey from Christian Tradition to the Sacred Feminine)

THIS is what my groups are all about. We may have come together through PMDD, in the same way as new mum's get together with their babies, or people with mutual interests or hobbies, but essentially, we have created our own sisterhood. We share our own stories and truths, we grow and learn from each other. We find similar traits and quirks, we learn how similar, and at the same time, how different we all are. We come together and a kind of magic happens. We start to heal. We start to take our lives into our hands and deal with the things that don't serve us, learn what we like or don't like. We learn what might be holding us back, by listening to the words of someone else's story and identifying with them. We connect, we feel, we support.

Through sharing we become stronger. We become more ourselves, because we have a space to be ourselves in. Cherish it. Many women out there don't have this. A place to talk, freely, with lots of other women. What a wonder the internet is to be able to provide this space! The group is your witness.  

We've come together sharing a darkness. We are women who know the shadow. We know what it feels like to fear, to hate, to feel pain, mental and physical. We have found each other in the dark. I merely lit a candle and waited for you all to arrive.

There is such strength amongst us. If only each of us could see and know how strong we already are.

I had a comment from a man in the past, telling me how my groups had made his girlfriend worse. Worse I wonder? Worse for who?

When women come together and share and talk.. even over the internet, things can start changing. Women might realise they are unhappy with their job for example, or that that particular friendship is really not helping them to heal or grow. They might realise their abusive partner is actually out of line and decide to leave them. I know we talk a lot about PMDD, but we also talk a lot about life and our situations. When you start realising your truth, when you start making your own choices, life around you changes and that might not meet with other people's approval, it might make you seem different to real life friends or family. In turn you may meet with resistance. This is when you call on the collective. This is when you draw on the strength, the knowledge and the love of your sisters.

Keep going. PMDD is challenging, but there is so much to be gained. Whatever you feel you need to do, to make life easier, better, change, go with it. We know ourselves better than anyone else.

Use what you learn here. Share what you know. Know that you are loved and accepted here for ALL you are.

♥

Using Valerian at ovulation.

A more alternative and spiritual view of my PMDD and menstrual cycle can be found over on my Natural Shaman blog.

Today's post is about Valerian and it's magical properties.  I've been using valerian tea recently, during the day as an anti-anxiety/calming tea, rather than to sleep, but I have also found out some interesting correspondences and folk lore about the herb.

Click here to read my post about Valerian Magic - http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/valerian-magic.html

Women's Wisdom

Meet my PMDD - Moods and Musings Blog has been featured on a wonderful little site over in Spain run by Melissa Moss.

I was thrilled to have been asked to share my blog and I hope you will go and give her website a little visit.

Just click here to go to Holistic Mental Health Services, for women.

We pretend to be strong because we are weak.

“We pretend to be strong because we are weak.”
― Paulo Coelho

I'm waiting to bleed, it's day 28.

I find myself crying again, I can feel the rush of hormones. My man asks if I'm OK...

A year or so ago, I may have flown into a rage, angry over being asked. I may have just gone quiet and said, I'm fine, or leave me alone. Nowadays, I dive into his arms and cry into is chest. I accept his love, his concern and feel better for a hug and his understanding when I am feeling like my world is about to be upturned.

This got me thinking (especially as I am in pre-menstrual thinking overdrive).

Women with PMDD deal with an extreme amount of rage, anger, self loathing and fear. We feel weak and inadequate. We cannot deal with the same amount of stress that other people can.

Society tells us that as women, we should be able to handle everything life throws at us and cope with it all. There has been a big deal made out of women needing to be as strong as their male counterparts. Equal in every way.... except, we aren't.

Women may feel that they cannot possibly show weakness. They cannot let on to their partners, family, work colleagues that they are finding things hard. This happens to all women to some extent, but with PMDD, it's much more extreme, as the hormones seem to take over and control us. The false moods and irrational thoughts leave us feeling out of control, weak and unable to complete the simplest of tasks.

What happens when we feel inadequate? If we can't over compensate by becoming super woman to prove we are just as good as the men, or other more stable women, then we end up feeling frustrated at ourselves, and our situation. We end up angry and full of fight.. defensive. Even with the people we love. We don't want them to see our weaknesses. We don't want them to have to 'look after us' as that makes us far from the strong independent capable women that society says we should be.

I found this article. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201107/the-greatest-weakness-strong-women It's got nothing to do with PMDD, but tells the story of a high powered business woman who finally let down her defenses to save her relationship. As I read, I realised even more that showing weakness is hard for every woman, but to do so can actually help save floundering relationships and bring people closer together.

I look back over my own life and my own PMDD story and find the fight and defensiveness there at every turn. Right from a child, I knew that to cry in public was a sign of weakness, and that to get on in the world we have to be able to do what the men do. Work, earn, provide... I was always embarrassed by my mother's ability to sob in public, she would cry at the drop of a hat, especially to an emotional song or film, and quite often, I would feel the lump in my throat and the tears building, but I would not allow myself to cry. Cry baby. Soppy cow. Why are are you crying? I often had no explanation to explain why I felt like crying, and didn't want to answer that question. I have always avoided films and music that are liable to make me cry. 

In my youth, I turned to Heavy Metal music, especially the stuff sung (or screamed) by women. I wanted nothing more than to experience those strong emotions. The 'fuck you' of a woman screaming and roaring as good as any man. The lack of tears, the abundance of hate and anger. I related. I felt it made me strong and equal. Another mask to put on to the world. Men often became a target in the lyrics, with one of my favourite female bands (Otep) even writing a song called 'Menocide'. Yet now, that kinda turns my stomach, for there is nothing gained in the pendulum swinging all the way over to the other side. At the time it fed my need to be strong, to be like a man. When women act like men, what do the men do? When women are downing pints and shots at the pub alongside their male peers, fighting and brawling in the street, what do men see? Women? Or women who are more like their male friends? In which case, why should they treat us like women, when we don't act like one?

During PMDD days, I can sob at an advert, or a situation in a soap opera. I still feel that shame. I still feel embarrassed. Although, I am working on that. There IS no shame in feeling emotion. There is no shame in feeling so deep that a song, or lyrics send you into a tearful mess. There is no shame in admitting that you feel low, or for even crying when there appears to be no reason for it.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving 

During my PMDD weepiness, I may be crying for all the pain I've ever felt in my life, for all the pain my ancestors may have gone through. I may be crying for all the cruelty and poverty there is in the world. I may be crying just because I need to cry. Why should I feel shame for that?

Menstruation connects us to a deeper place. It connects us to our ancestors and can bring about great insight and learning. Women ARE more sensitive at this time. FACT.

The shame and embarrassment brings on a reaction of needing to cover it. I don't want people to think I am weak, over sensitive, over emotional or stupid. How can I explain the tears?

Men don't do this. I am highlighting our gender differences. Maybe I am letting the feminist side down. I am weak and giving men a reason to see me (women) as weak.

Women sometimes cry easier in the presence of another woman. A close friend or aunt may console us. We know that we sometimes need to 'let it all out', but to do that in front of a man? When most men feel uncomfortable with that amount of emotion pouring out from the soul? To do that in front of our partners and husbands? That seems alien to a lot of us, despite both parties claiming to love one another.

This need to remain strong and collected in front of our men is what brings about the complete opposite in emotions. We don't want them to see us a weak. We don't want to admit we need them to protect us and keep us safe. With equality and all the blurred lines between male and female roles, men just don't know what to do, and if we are pushing them away and denying them the chance to protect and show us compassion, we are then stealing away their opportunity to fulfil their role within the relationship.

Ladies with PMDD often end up directing all this anger and frustration at their partners as a smoke screen. We overcompensate and allow ourselves to become strong, so strong we are fierce and aggressive. We are like crazed warriors about to go into battle. Only there is no battle. There is someone we love who desperately wants to help, who wants to be able to 'do something' to make it all better. We fight them, because to allow them to help, to allow ourselves to fall into their arms and cry and say we can't cope right now is to show them we are weak, and with that brings about a whole manner of inadequacies that appear to no longer be socially acceptable.

'Other women cope' Other women manage to hold down a job, have kids, study, cook, clean and stay sane all month long so why not me/us? We feel that our PMDD makes us inferior.  It doesn't. It makes us different. It makes us super sensitive. If women with PMDD can embrace this aspect and shake off the stigma of showing signs of weakness the anger is calmed. As I type this, so many memories come to mind. I can feel the tickle in my nose, the tears building up. Have no reason to be crying right now, yet the tears want to come.

As a woman, I am an emotional being. I want to fully embrace what it is to be a woman. The past 2 years have seen me stop fighting. I accept, I surrender, I have learned to feel comfortable crying around my man. I go with the flow and allow safe passage to whatever needs to manifest. Who am I to censor myself? Who am I to curb, halt, or stop the feelings that need to flow?

It is no wonder we have come to be like this. In days gone by, women with PMDD would have been called Witches. Demonic. We would have been misunderstood as being possessed by the devil and locked up in asylums... another reason to want to stay secret, to hide away, to remain anonymous. Women have undergone so many terrible punishments for being female. Showing any sign of intuition became labelled as witchcraft or possession. Hundreds of thousands of women died during the witch trials, who were no more than healers, midwives, herbalists and quite possibly women with PMDD, women who were sensitive to their hormones, who felt the rages and let them out, who acted as if they were possessed by a demon. I know that some of my tears must be for them, and my ancestors, some of which must surely have been caught up in the terror. In the UK, it is a mere 61 years since the repeal of the Witchcraft Act, yet to this day, in many other countries, women still face charges like this, often with the penalty of death.

So in many ways it is no wonder there is a such a stigma attached to women with mood disorders, whether they use their intuitive abilities or not, the outward signs of PMDD are frowned upon and still come with a hefty amount of shame, guilt and penalties for not being consistently able to live like everyone else.

Women need to reclaim what it is to be a women. We need to celebrate out difference, and not feel ashamed to embrace our feminine nature. Next time you fight with your partner, just stop for a second and ask yourself why you are fighting. Is there a legitimate reason to be fronting up to your partner? Or deep down, do you really just need a big hug and some reassurance that everything will be OK?

I can't being to describe how much this has helped my relationship. After swearing I would never marry again, I find myself a wife once more. My husband is not my enemy. My husband can provide me with protection, with love, with safety from everything else that is bad in the world. I am lucky to have such a man, who accepts his male role, however strange it may seem to others. But this is only possible because I allow him to take on that role. I trust him enough to let him see me during my weak moments. He doesn't expect me to be strong all the time. He doesn't value me any less because I have these moments. By blowing away the smoke screen, the façade, the pretence that I am 'fine' all the time, we have been able to develop a much closer relationship.

My hope is that more women, especially the ones who suffer with PMDD will begin to embrace what it really means to be female, and find strength in what other perceive to be weakness. It is not a weakness if you need to take time out, if you need a break, to cry, to sleep, or to dream. It is not a weakness if you are string enough to be honest.  Honesty is by far the strongest action, and to admit you need help, love, a hug, is to put out the raging fire and unite with someone in a warm glow of friendship, companionship, compassion and love.

“We are all travellers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

“Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn't make you nice, it just makes you a liar.”
― Jenny O'Connell

“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.”
― Alan Moore, (V for Vendetta)

“Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking the truth from her heart.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it.”
― Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn)

All quotes from http://www.goodreads.com

©Cat Hawkins 2012

HOLIDAY!!

Off to spend time with the sea... see you in a couple of weeks.  Recharged and relaxed!

Check out this link to read about the health benefits of the beach!
No excuses needed.. chill time at the beach is really good for your health!

http://www.amoils.com/health-blog/whatever-the-weather-enjoy-the-health-benefits-of-the-sea-and-the-sand/

I HATE MY WOMB

 (New post up at my Natural Shaman blog)

As a long term sufferer of PMDD, I spent many years hating my womb, my cycle, my periods, they brought me so much pain and sadness.  Sent me crazy, upset and hurt the people I love and sometimes they succeeded in ruining my life.  I have not been able to work, participate in normal life, normal social activities.  I became reclusive, scared, isolated...  When I began to understand how I could change my perspective and USE these energies instead of fight against them, my life began to change.  I began to heal....

To read more about how I stopped hating my womb, please follow this link...
http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/i-hate-my-womb.html

The Magic of the Menstrual Cycle

New article up over at my Natural Shaman site!

If you are interested in alternative, spiritual ways to view the menstrual cycle, please go take a look!

http://naturalshaman.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/magic-of-menstrual-cycle.html