How do you feel about being a woman?

Guest blogger Emma shares with us some thoughts about the bigger picture of PMDD.  First published in one of my support groups.. we all thought it too good not to share!

The fact is, I hate being a woman, always have, might always will. I hate it so much that for a brief moment years ago, I even contemplated turning into a man. I wished I had been born a man, because they have it so bloody easy, and I almost resent them for just being men and having it so easy. Women have so much to put up with in their lives, so much shit to have to go through. Not only do men have it easy, but they don't realise how easy they have it....I find that annoying too. 

I actually get quite envious of my husband because he has been able to live his life without any bother in the world. Everyday floats into the next. He can complete his projects, because he has mentally got the stamina and the motivation to do it. He puts his head on the pillow, and within seconds he is snoring, without a care in the world. Where as, as soon as I think I'm getting somewhere in life, (in my 2 weeks of feeling well) even if it's just getting into a routine with housework, or being able to get up in the morning feeling happy and joyful, something soon comes back and tells me I can't do it, and stops me from wanting to, and stops me from being able to. I have had a lifetime of feeling depressed, with tiny bits of happiness and glimpses of what life could be like if I was free to feel joy constantly, like my husband can.

Women throughout the ages have had it so hard. It has been a constant battle from the word dot (...or so it seems. It would be interesting to see at what point it was in our ancient past when being a women became in issue). Women have always been the ones who never had any rights, who were always disgraced if they stepped out of line. Who were, and still are, taken advantage of. Women have always been nothing more than objects for men to own. If a women fell pregnant out of wedlock, or had an affair whilst married and subsequently gave birth to a bastard child, society (mainly men) punished her, and she would live for ever more in disgrace. Often sent to the workhouses, and made to wear Black and Yellow striped uniform to warn everyone of their disgraceful behaviour, and having their children taken off them because they are classed as not being good enough to care for their children anymore due to their disgraceful behaviour.

Yet it is perfectly acceptable for men to have affairs, to 'spread their seed', to have their cake and eat it, and in some countries, have several wives!!! Why can't women be like that? Why can't women have several husbands? Men are classed as being a bit of a stud when he sleeps around. Yet women are labelled as whores. Why do we have to be the whores? Why do we have to have the crap end of the deal with everything?

Women were institutionalized in the olden days, because they were labelled insane, when really all that was wrong was a bit of PMT, or serious hormonal issues. Women's issues have always been a taboo, and women are looked down upon as the weaker sex. Menstruation is classed as dirty, and is seen as a 'problem', even an illness. 

Women were burnt at stakes, Drowned in the rivers, and hanged because they were supposedly witches.....Lordy knows, I would have been burnt a long time ago if these present days were anything like the past.
Even today, women are stoned to death because she is not allowed to have any feelings, or any rights for herself. She is still owned in some cultures, and women are still being sold as we speak, like objects. Families choosing who and when their daughters should marry. In some countries, as soon as a girl starts her periods, she is sold to a pedophile to get married. Girls even younger, 7 years old for god sake, are being sold for marriage to these sick bastards. Women are used and abused, because men think they can, and because they think they have a god given right to do as they please. 

But when anything comes down to blame, it's almost always the woman that takes it all, it's almost always the woman that looks bad. She is the one that has sinned, and not the man.

All the pain we have to go through, all the physical changes we have to put up with for the majority of our lives, the pain of child birth, the ever lasting damage it causes our bodies. And then there's all the household chores, and the fact that the woman has duties, to her husband, and her children.The physical abuse, the mental abuse, making the woman feel vulnerable and powerless.

My husband is amazing, and doesn't expect anything from me. But that's because he's my equal, and I just think I am lucky. Although I have had an idiot for a partner in my past, and I was lucky enough to see sense and get out while I could. Not before he created some damage though one way or another. I know so many men out there too who are complete twats to their wives, or girlfriends, because they believe that the woman's place is in the home, doing all their duties. 

I just wonder whether any of these issues affect other women, or is it just me? 
.....If we dislike being women, for what ever reason, then maybe we are unconsciously rejecting the natural changes that being a woman is all about....do you see what I mean?

I was told by someone last year that I will be coming into 'my power', but I never quite understood what was meant. I think I understand now. The power that was meant is the feminine power that we all hold within ourselves. The stuff we are made of, but which has been suppressed by men. If you think about it, with almost every species in the world, it is always the females that lead. She dominates the males to get what she wants. Ants, for example, get their wings in order to find a queen to mate with her. But as soon as he has mated, he dies, because he is no longer needed. The rest of the males are workers for the queen. You don't ever find a 'King Bee', only Queens, because she is the one with the greater strength to lead and carry on. 
We also have the strength to lead, and be great. We are built strong, so we can carry our babies and love them unconditionally. We have the strength to face the pain we endure during birth. I think we're all pretty much in agreement that men wouldn't stand a chance. They say that birth is the closest point to death a women will ever be (without dying of course), so we are built physically and mentally strong enough to be more than capable to do it over and over again. We have the power, but it has been suppressed for centuries. But now it's time to take it back.

I think I need to take back my power now. I did have a taste of it last year, and my Yoga helped a lot. I just need to believe in myself, and know that the power exists within me.

by Emma PF

We pretend to be strong because we are weak.

“We pretend to be strong because we are weak.”
― Paulo Coelho

I'm waiting to bleed, it's day 28.

I find myself crying again, I can feel the rush of hormones. My man asks if I'm OK...

A year or so ago, I may have flown into a rage, angry over being asked. I may have just gone quiet and said, I'm fine, or leave me alone. Nowadays, I dive into his arms and cry into is chest. I accept his love, his concern and feel better for a hug and his understanding when I am feeling like my world is about to be upturned.

This got me thinking (especially as I am in pre-menstrual thinking overdrive).

Women with PMDD deal with an extreme amount of rage, anger, self loathing and fear. We feel weak and inadequate. We cannot deal with the same amount of stress that other people can.

Society tells us that as women, we should be able to handle everything life throws at us and cope with it all. There has been a big deal made out of women needing to be as strong as their male counterparts. Equal in every way.... except, we aren't.

Women may feel that they cannot possibly show weakness. They cannot let on to their partners, family, work colleagues that they are finding things hard. This happens to all women to some extent, but with PMDD, it's much more extreme, as the hormones seem to take over and control us. The false moods and irrational thoughts leave us feeling out of control, weak and unable to complete the simplest of tasks.

What happens when we feel inadequate? If we can't over compensate by becoming super woman to prove we are just as good as the men, or other more stable women, then we end up feeling frustrated at ourselves, and our situation. We end up angry and full of fight.. defensive. Even with the people we love. We don't want them to see our weaknesses. We don't want them to have to 'look after us' as that makes us far from the strong independent capable women that society says we should be.

I found this article. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201107/the-greatest-weakness-strong-women It's got nothing to do with PMDD, but tells the story of a high powered business woman who finally let down her defenses to save her relationship. As I read, I realised even more that showing weakness is hard for every woman, but to do so can actually help save floundering relationships and bring people closer together.

I look back over my own life and my own PMDD story and find the fight and defensiveness there at every turn. Right from a child, I knew that to cry in public was a sign of weakness, and that to get on in the world we have to be able to do what the men do. Work, earn, provide... I was always embarrassed by my mother's ability to sob in public, she would cry at the drop of a hat, especially to an emotional song or film, and quite often, I would feel the lump in my throat and the tears building, but I would not allow myself to cry. Cry baby. Soppy cow. Why are are you crying? I often had no explanation to explain why I felt like crying, and didn't want to answer that question. I have always avoided films and music that are liable to make me cry. 

In my youth, I turned to Heavy Metal music, especially the stuff sung (or screamed) by women. I wanted nothing more than to experience those strong emotions. The 'fuck you' of a woman screaming and roaring as good as any man. The lack of tears, the abundance of hate and anger. I related. I felt it made me strong and equal. Another mask to put on to the world. Men often became a target in the lyrics, with one of my favourite female bands (Otep) even writing a song called 'Menocide'. Yet now, that kinda turns my stomach, for there is nothing gained in the pendulum swinging all the way over to the other side. At the time it fed my need to be strong, to be like a man. When women act like men, what do the men do? When women are downing pints and shots at the pub alongside their male peers, fighting and brawling in the street, what do men see? Women? Or women who are more like their male friends? In which case, why should they treat us like women, when we don't act like one?

During PMDD days, I can sob at an advert, or a situation in a soap opera. I still feel that shame. I still feel embarrassed. Although, I am working on that. There IS no shame in feeling emotion. There is no shame in feeling so deep that a song, or lyrics send you into a tearful mess. There is no shame in admitting that you feel low, or for even crying when there appears to be no reason for it.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving 

During my PMDD weepiness, I may be crying for all the pain I've ever felt in my life, for all the pain my ancestors may have gone through. I may be crying for all the cruelty and poverty there is in the world. I may be crying just because I need to cry. Why should I feel shame for that?

Menstruation connects us to a deeper place. It connects us to our ancestors and can bring about great insight and learning. Women ARE more sensitive at this time. FACT.

The shame and embarrassment brings on a reaction of needing to cover it. I don't want people to think I am weak, over sensitive, over emotional or stupid. How can I explain the tears?

Men don't do this. I am highlighting our gender differences. Maybe I am letting the feminist side down. I am weak and giving men a reason to see me (women) as weak.

Women sometimes cry easier in the presence of another woman. A close friend or aunt may console us. We know that we sometimes need to 'let it all out', but to do that in front of a man? When most men feel uncomfortable with that amount of emotion pouring out from the soul? To do that in front of our partners and husbands? That seems alien to a lot of us, despite both parties claiming to love one another.

This need to remain strong and collected in front of our men is what brings about the complete opposite in emotions. We don't want them to see us a weak. We don't want to admit we need them to protect us and keep us safe. With equality and all the blurred lines between male and female roles, men just don't know what to do, and if we are pushing them away and denying them the chance to protect and show us compassion, we are then stealing away their opportunity to fulfil their role within the relationship.

Ladies with PMDD often end up directing all this anger and frustration at their partners as a smoke screen. We overcompensate and allow ourselves to become strong, so strong we are fierce and aggressive. We are like crazed warriors about to go into battle. Only there is no battle. There is someone we love who desperately wants to help, who wants to be able to 'do something' to make it all better. We fight them, because to allow them to help, to allow ourselves to fall into their arms and cry and say we can't cope right now is to show them we are weak, and with that brings about a whole manner of inadequacies that appear to no longer be socially acceptable.

'Other women cope' Other women manage to hold down a job, have kids, study, cook, clean and stay sane all month long so why not me/us? We feel that our PMDD makes us inferior.  It doesn't. It makes us different. It makes us super sensitive. If women with PMDD can embrace this aspect and shake off the stigma of showing signs of weakness the anger is calmed. As I type this, so many memories come to mind. I can feel the tickle in my nose, the tears building up. Have no reason to be crying right now, yet the tears want to come.

As a woman, I am an emotional being. I want to fully embrace what it is to be a woman. The past 2 years have seen me stop fighting. I accept, I surrender, I have learned to feel comfortable crying around my man. I go with the flow and allow safe passage to whatever needs to manifest. Who am I to censor myself? Who am I to curb, halt, or stop the feelings that need to flow?

It is no wonder we have come to be like this. In days gone by, women with PMDD would have been called Witches. Demonic. We would have been misunderstood as being possessed by the devil and locked up in asylums... another reason to want to stay secret, to hide away, to remain anonymous. Women have undergone so many terrible punishments for being female. Showing any sign of intuition became labelled as witchcraft or possession. Hundreds of thousands of women died during the witch trials, who were no more than healers, midwives, herbalists and quite possibly women with PMDD, women who were sensitive to their hormones, who felt the rages and let them out, who acted as if they were possessed by a demon. I know that some of my tears must be for them, and my ancestors, some of which must surely have been caught up in the terror. In the UK, it is a mere 61 years since the repeal of the Witchcraft Act, yet to this day, in many other countries, women still face charges like this, often with the penalty of death.

So in many ways it is no wonder there is a such a stigma attached to women with mood disorders, whether they use their intuitive abilities or not, the outward signs of PMDD are frowned upon and still come with a hefty amount of shame, guilt and penalties for not being consistently able to live like everyone else.

Women need to reclaim what it is to be a women. We need to celebrate out difference, and not feel ashamed to embrace our feminine nature. Next time you fight with your partner, just stop for a second and ask yourself why you are fighting. Is there a legitimate reason to be fronting up to your partner? Or deep down, do you really just need a big hug and some reassurance that everything will be OK?

I can't being to describe how much this has helped my relationship. After swearing I would never marry again, I find myself a wife once more. My husband is not my enemy. My husband can provide me with protection, with love, with safety from everything else that is bad in the world. I am lucky to have such a man, who accepts his male role, however strange it may seem to others. But this is only possible because I allow him to take on that role. I trust him enough to let him see me during my weak moments. He doesn't expect me to be strong all the time. He doesn't value me any less because I have these moments. By blowing away the smoke screen, the façade, the pretence that I am 'fine' all the time, we have been able to develop a much closer relationship.

My hope is that more women, especially the ones who suffer with PMDD will begin to embrace what it really means to be female, and find strength in what other perceive to be weakness. It is not a weakness if you need to take time out, if you need a break, to cry, to sleep, or to dream. It is not a weakness if you are string enough to be honest.  Honesty is by far the strongest action, and to admit you need help, love, a hug, is to put out the raging fire and unite with someone in a warm glow of friendship, companionship, compassion and love.

“We are all travellers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

“Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn't make you nice, it just makes you a liar.”
― Jenny O'Connell

“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.”
― Alan Moore, (V for Vendetta)

“Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking the truth from her heart.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it.”
― Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn)

All quotes from http://www.goodreads.com

©Cat Hawkins 2012

Averting disaster

So this morning, day 27, I woke up after a reasonable night sleep.

It's been 11 days since I got married.  My man has gone back to work and the kids are now off school for the summer.  The sun is shining today, which has been a rare thing in the UK this year.
Been feeling narky for the past couple of days, and already entered my quiet time over the weekend.  My quiet time (pre menstruation) is when I can't find the words to say, when my head is caught up with other stuff.  I become forgetful and frustrated.  My mind dwells on things, things that are bothering me.  Up till now, it's been about the wedding and the things that didn't go quite to plan.  This morning it was maintenance issues... I know!  how ridiculous!

I have a few things that need doing in the house, and the communal lighting in our close is broken again and lights stay on all day when they should go off.  Now, I've had to report this a few times to our housing association.  No-one else seems to care, despite the fact we already pay a service charge for sweet FA, and all that wasted electric will only give them an excuse to charge us all even more.  It should be a quick call, but for some reason the people at the HA rarely understand that I live in a CLOSE not a flat, and yes we do have communal lighting, and no, I haven't broken it, and no, it's not my property, it's OUTSIDE.... sigh...

While on the phone, I can feel my frustration rising.
It's simple.. the lights that are YOUR responsibility are broken AGAIN... the outside lighting has been on for 24 hours a day, everyday, for over 2 weeks.  I'd hoped someone else might call you but they obviously haven't. It seems to be my responsibility again.   I report a dodgy fit and lock on the back door (due to the heat over the past week) and it's 20 questions about why I hadn't contact them sooner.
I got really arsey and asked why it matters, I'm reporting it now, and I'd just got married, been busy etc and could feel my top about to blow. Tears started coming, I wanted to hang up, go back to bed and cry/sleep the day away.. Then, just as I was getting somewhere, their computers go down, so she tells me she'll call me back.

I sit in the garden and my head is going crazy... all the issues I'd already created popped back up, the annoyance and frustration with the woman on the phone, the worry about the issues, the feeling like I'm going to crack under all this pressure (which for many can be sorted without a care in the world, including myself at a different time of the month).

I wanted to text my man.  I wanted to let him know I felt like I was about to crack, and that the kids are home and I don't know how I will cope, that I am feeling terrible and dwelling on loads of stuff, and there's some stuff that's bothering me and we need to talk.....

He's just gone back to work, I hate stressing him out or worrying him more at work.  In the past, without the control I have now, I would have sent him some annoyed text, or something crazy about how he shouldn't love me, or why is he with me?  Or that I'm pissed off about something he's done and I can't be with him anymore...  It could be that irrational, and to him, a bolt out of the blue... an insult, a break up threat, or some other equally unreasonable thing to say by text to someone you love.

I ended up thinking about how I could let him know I'm feeling crap, while at work, without having to go into all the details while he has his job to do (which supports me and the children).  It's not the first time I've tried to figure out the best way to communicate when I'm like this.  Due on tomorrow and my fuse is seriously short.  This would have been the time of massive arguments or fall outs, or me biting on to an issue and rather than discussing it like an adult, my hurt, PMDD self takes over and buggers it all up with anger and a spiralling sense that everything is gonna fall apart because of one small thing.

Us PMDD girls who are trying to keep our relationships, who are trying to stop the destruction that being dysphoric can cause, should be figuring out a code to use that signals to our partners that we are in emotional/mental trouble.  Like sending up a flare.  At that moment, it's often the fact we just need someone to know that we feel terrible.  That today is gonna be a struggle or even, on a more serious note, that we are in complete turmoil and we fear we may do something stupid.

As I am grabbing my second chance of married life with both hands, I want to make sure that I do all I can to communicate and work through things with my man.  I've had some terrible relationships in the past, and am finally very happy.  He's seen me at my worst, and I never want to go back there again.

I've had many moments when I desperately need my partner's support, whether that be to talk to, to help out, to give me a break, or just to sympathise, but I go about it in the wrong way.  The stuff I need to talk about can come out all wrong, disagreements happen, the road gets super rocky and in an instant it feels like your relationship is ending and it's all your fault.

I figure I need a code.  I need a way of telling him that I need him, without bringing all my shit to his work desk.  You can find my code ideas here... http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/code-red.html

By the time I'd realised that I had a few blogs that I need to write around the subject of relationships, and the thoughts/worries about all the other things I need to do today, the phone rang and all my maintenance issues will be sorted tomorrow...  I apologised for getting frustrated with the situation and all was well.  I felt better for saying sorry, even to a complete stranger.  She was only trying to do her job, my PMDD is not her fault.

I felt a bit better, and focused on some household chores, mowed the lawn barefoot in the sunshine, cooled down in the shade and battled with my mind for another 10 mins as to whether I go get a shower before I write, or just get on with it.  The pernickety me, would want to shower and get ready for the day before I get writing, but there is always the risk I will lose my flow of thought and not get round to it, so I decided to sit here in my garden dress and get something written.  The kids are happy playing, I'm not due to go anywhere or see anyone, so that one 'rule' can go out the window today.

It's easy to obsess at this time of the month.  It's easy to get caught out and trip yourself up, it's easy to end up in a crazy situation because you haven't tried to divert yourself from disaster.
At this time of the month, I can spend all day talking myself away from a potentially sticky situation, talking myself away from irrational thoughts.  I sleep more than usual, often just to quieten down the endless babble.  The calm will come.  I will hit a place of feeling centred.  I can feel the urge to draw or create giving me a ton of ideas for writing, pictures, cooking struggling to be heard through the ridiculous fog that makes me go round in circles.  The worries will be defeated.  I make lists of things that I can do something about, and start ticking them off (energy allowing).  The things I can't do anything about immediately, I leave till I feel stronger to deal with them, or wait for an opportunity to tackle them.  Getting things done, rather than worrying about the fact they need doing is a far better way to spend time, and it is possible to deal with mundane things in this head space.

I know I'm due to bleed very soon.  I know that I need to rest.  I know that I need to stay away from stressful situations, and even more so, I need to make sure I don't create any negative situations for myself.  I have more writing to do, I have thank you cards to make, write and send, I have a ton of stuff to catch up on.  I am blessed to have a night without the children tonight, quiet time to indulge, or time to sleep... either will do.

Wedding!

The wedding went perfectly!  We had such a great day.

After 6 months of hard planning and shopping and praying the weather would improve, we made it!

I was on day 16, so just around ovulation and at the time of the month that I have energy and am not so afraid of social situations.  It was a bit of a flook that it ended up during that part of my cycle, and I don't know if it would have all felt so good at any other time of the month.  

I was surprisingly calm all day, with only a couple of stressed out moments in the afternoon, and I coped with all the people and how hectic the whole day felt.

I will be writing more about planning a big event, giving consideration to your cycle in future posts, but for now, here's a few pics!

 

Exciting times!

I haven't posted properly in a while.  Life has been VERY busy.

Some of you, mainly those that follow my blog on Facebook, or are members of my support groups, will know that I am preparing for a very special event.

In TWO DAYS, I get married!  Friday 13th July 2012.

This is the reason I haven't posted anything new in a while, and the reason why it may be a couple more weeks before I get back to my writing again.

We have been planning the wedding for about 6 months, on a very tight budget, but after all the effort, I finally get to marry my man and see all my hard work pay off.
I'm very excited, and as someone who said she would never get married again... I'm pinching myself regularly!

I have a few articles that I can't wait to write, such as, how to cope with planning a wedding with PMDD!  and when everything get's settled, I will be back with new articles, and news of my happy day!

Take care of yourselves, and remember, the bad times always pass... and it IS possible to look forward and enjoy life...

The next time I write, I will be sporting a new surname, a beautiful wedding ring and I will officially be a married woman!

Big love everyone! xx