Losing it

Today and yesterday I have been so low, to the point of despair.
I have no pot to smoke to get me through, so I am now on the Vodka. No point in pretending I can get through this with meditation, love and light as my thoughts are just too destructive

Just today, my brain has told me to, pack my bags, leave my baby with someone safe and leave, get in the car and drive and drive till I find somewhere to stay, with the intention of never returning.

OR

Pack all my partners stuff and tell him to leave. I want to be on my own..

OR

Smoke and drink till I cant feel the pain anymore. I would prefer to smoke but where I live is completely dry, so the little local Tesco's come to my rescue by selling quarter bottles of Voddy. Ahhh fuck it, what's the point in it all anyway?

Whats the point in an illness that means I cant be me for more than a few days?

Whats the point is battling?

Whats the point in fighting?

I have always felt like I am jinxed, like I have some curse on me. Is this what life will be like for another 30 years? I'm actually amazed I made it to 30. I thought I would be dead and buried by my early twenties. Maybe I really am just living on borrowed time now?

I apologise for being so self absorbed and depressed. I apologise to anyone who cant be arsed with moaning poeple like me. But in the grand scheme of things, you don't have to read or comment, I'm just fed up with pretending i'm ok.

Going downhill

My head has been all over the place with the pmdd, finance worries, and just generally trying to keep up with life itself.

I've spent the past few days feeling crappy, but making every effort to be positive, up and forward thinking. Trying to keep the good stuff in my head, trying to make things to aim for and achieve. Even after a reasonable nights sleep, I have woken today angry, angry at everything, feeling like everything thats been keeping me going for the past few days , is a pile of shite and will never happen. I feel like giving up again, but if i do, if i let go or lose what control i have over my mood, i will drop down into the pit again and dissapoint everyone again.

I want to work, i want to study, i want to contribute to the family, i want to be able to cope with the housework like normal people, I want little things to stay little things and for my brain not to create scenarios 100 times worse everytime. I want a rest, I want things to just be stable for more than a few days.

I feel disabled. I feel unable to live a normal life, I feel like just getting through each moon is an achievement that nobody else realises is an achievement. All other people see is someone who hibernates, avoids things, comes out once in a while, sometimes happy and bouncy, sometimes, so low it's . How can i expect friends and family to still love me? How can i expect them to put up with it? How can i help support my own family when I can barely keep my head together?

I was up at 7.30 to get the kids ready to walk. I ranted at rhiannon, my mind whirling and beating me up. By the time i was walking back tears are rolling down my face and i'm trying to wipe them away while pushing a buggy and shield my face from all the mums bogging out of thier car windows.

I was ok yesterday, i felt ok, not great but ok. Now today, bam... it's all gone.

I'm fed up with the rollercoaster and i just wanna jump off...

I'm just so tired of the frustration today. I feel like I should be living on my own, away from the people who get hurt and dont understand.

I feel like it's two steps forward them wipe out, every month. There's no consistency in anything, every month, every day, unpredictable. HOW the hell do I plan? HOW the hell do I get a job and keep it? How, when we are skinter than beggers on skint street do I cope with my illness and the fact it means that I am useless. The real thing we need is money, is me to work like other mums, but I cant do it.

I've been grabbing at anything for weeks... idea after idea of how to make cash, get myself better, study, do something constructive. Thats what everyone expects of me, and I feel the pressure everyday to fullfil it.

I aspire to jobs that I have seen, thinking of how, 'well ' could cope, thrive and succeed in the job, but then, it's the moods, the organising, the forgetfulness, the need for solitude... if it just stopped... if it just let me be then i could be successful, i could provide for my kids and support my man, but as it is, I'm not far off useless, apart from being able to cook meals out of next to nothing.

Blocked

So today, I have woken up with a foul mood. I'm grumpy, just want to be alone, and very moody. I upset everyone this morning, my thoughts have been wild, and all I have wanted to do is sit and draw or paint. I have been trying to think all day about where to start with my canvas. A million and one ideas flow through me. All different ideas, I start one, I leave it, I think about another, I dont like it, I repaint over my canvas for the second time.

I toy with the idea of getting out my paints and just going for it.. but every which way I turn, there is a reason not to.

I am on my own in the house... the way I like it when I'm feeling like this, but at the same time, I still have no peace, there is still no quiet in my mind. I'm whirling round on that wheel of fortune again, attempting to grab for the peaceful centre point, but with no success.

I am thankful for my attempts at living up to my challenge of writing for 10 mins a day. Now I have written a little, I think I know what to do on that bloody canvas. All I want to paint is dots. Points... centre points... where I want to be.

A dot. The start. The beginning of any mark made on paper. The tiny hole a compass makes at the centre of the circle.

I want to create something that takes time, that is repetitive... Like a mantra, or a chant, repeated over and over.

There's my 10 mins... I'm gonna go see if I can actually do this....

10 mins

Everyday I will write for at least 10 mins in one of my journals. I have 3. One with my deviantART page, one on my website, and here. I cross post between the other two quite often, but the stuff I post here usually stays here. At least that may mean that I keep this journal up, as I have been appalling at keeping it up. It's been about 2 months since I wrote, loads of stuff has happened... I got a job, left a job, Luke has a new job, we've sold our van... lots of earthly things, but my head is still no where near ready for the coming phases in my life.

I had intended to write something this evening, one of the many ideas or musings that come into my head, but just as I'd stuck Delicate sound of Thunder on iTunes and opened a fresh post, my baby cried out. Running up to see her, I was worried she may have fallen out of bed. She has just moved into a toddler bed from a cot. Alas, she was still in bed, covered, and I mean covered in sick.

I am not good at dealing with vomit. There's not too many things in the world that I cant deal with, but vomit is one of them. It comes from being really ill with travel sickness as a child, and then as a teenager/young adult, regularly hanging my head over the toilet bowl after crazy drinking sessions. In both my pregnancies the sickness has lasted for 4-5 months, in fact, the last time saw me in hospital as I couldnt even keep down water.

I'm assuming Fae has a tummy bug, as this happened last night too. Luke dealt with it last night while I slept, but this eve, I'm up, he's in bed. I could have woke him... and nearly did, but when it comes down to it, I'm her mum, and I have to be able to sort these things.

She sat in her bed, half asleep, did what she was told, quiet as a mouse. I ran her a warm bubbly bath and sat her in it while I went back to clean up the mess and change her bed covers. Holding my breath, and just taking time to sort it without freaking, I changed the covers, shook off the chunks into the toilet, and stuffed everything in the washing machine. Washed her hair, brushed her teeth, and put fresh jammies on, she did it all with no fuss, no bother and with the occasional beeming smile. A short story later, and she snuggled down to sleep.

I return back to the computer.. Dogs of War is playing, and I've missed the whole album!

The things you have to do when you're a mum!

2007

As Yule looms on the horizon, I feel the usual hopelessness of trying to 'have a lovely time' with the reality of no money, tiring family visits, and the kids off school for 2 weeks.

The antidepressants have seemed to kicked in. I'm generally feeling more stable, and my 'up' weeks are actually distiguishable from the down weeks at the moment.

2007 has been a year of changes. I knew it would be. I remember sitting on a friends sofa, early in January, saying how numerologically it was a '9' year, which meant a lot of things would come to an end, or reach completion. I knew some big things would happen this year, and they have.

Earlier this year, I lost 2 very close friends. Not through death or anything, nor did I acually misplace them or thier friendship, but for some reason, I knew I had to let them go. One male friend was taken away, our friendship ended suddenly. Confusion over feelings, my depression, and the desperate need to feel slightly normal meant that we were suspected of having an affair. The last time I saw him we were close friends... slightly confused about our feelings for each other, but friends despite whatever people may think. Losing his companionship was hard, and I felt so lonely. I'm not single. I suppose the way I'm talking makes me sound like I am, but I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years. This friend, was also my partners friend, but my partner is not exactly an advocate of forgiveness, prefering to hold grudges till the day he dies.
The other friend I lost, was my only spiritual friend. We'd spend hours talking about the universe, witchcraft, new age wierdy stuff, and our own amazing experiences She was the only person I could turn to, who would understand what I was raving on about, and who would never judge me. We have parted company before in out lives. We both had so much 'going on' that to continue our relationship was just too much. I feel like this is what has happened again, although part of it was due to the fact that I couldn't stand around and watch her mess up her life again by getting into alcohol and sleeping with married men.

I turned 30 this year, my partner just turned 23. Our relationship is very difficult, but I have realised that a lot has to do with the fact that I have no belief in love. I dont feel it, I dont believe in it. I dont think that anyone knows how to love someone healthily, and in all my relationships I feel trapped by expectations, by the supposed 'right' way to be. I feel smothered, restricted, and undervalued. The saddest thing is.. I dont believe I will ever find love. With my partner, or anyone.. I cant stand the world I live in, it all feels wrong, and there is nothing I can do about it. I say the word.. but I dont feel it.

This year also started with my mothers return from abroad. She got off the plane in January, with a suitcase and £10. She had left France behind, along with a man who she said she hated. We have tried to have a relationship, tried to make it work, but the reality is that I just dont have a place for her aymore. She has been out of my life so long (12 years), that to return now and try and be my mother is impossible. After 9 months of awkward meetings, and a false sense of progress, it became clear that I am not emotionally stable enough to deal with the cold icy wind of my mother. I have chosen to stay away, and try to focus on my life and keeping myself well.

to be continued...

Shakti Woman

It's funny, how synchronicity works. It's too complicated to explain half the time and I may end up like a rambling idiot trying desperatley to make sense.

A lot has been going on recently. My bad health, the continuous feeling that I have to change, the fear, the signs and symbols that keep appearing to me.

This week, on recommendation by someone I deeply respect and admire, I bought a book, Shakti Woman by Vicki Noble. Little did I know how important this book would be for me. Everything I have been trying to understand, about my health, my illness, my life, the way I feel, the things that have been happening or have happened to me.

I have always felt that what I was going through was connected to something spiritual. Something I was missing, something I didnt understand. I know I am sensitive to the Moon's energies, so why not the Sun, the planets? For the past couple of years, I've stepped up my reading and research in Astrology, and have a deep desire to study it professionally. I feel like I am on the tip of an iceberg. So much is becoming clear, yet with it comes more questions, more confusion.

I am facing a big challenge, and one I just dont know if I can take on. My inner self knows that I can face and handle anything that is thrown at me, but I still, just dont feel quite ready to jump into the void.

All the things that this book has brought up. My power animals, the spider, who has visited me in terrifying dreams in the past, the snake, and the Owl. I owned a snake in my teens, being drawn to it as the next best thing to keep when I wasn't allowed a cat, I was always worried I couldnt look after it properly, that because of me I would cause it harm. My snake had to be rehomed during my pregnancy. We later found out that he had been a carrier of salmonella, and my reasons for re-homing became more clear. In Chinese Astrology, I am a Fire Snake, another reason to be attracted to serpants. I once had a cat I would call Owl. Her face so round with fluffy fur, and huge saucer-like eyes just reminded me of an Owl. When our black cat Boo died this summer, we really felt the hole left by his untimely death. We found an adorably fluffy kitten which reminded me so much of my old cat. Her mannerisms are the same, her owl like features. Then, as the year turns and we enter autumn, I've been kept awake by the haunting call of an owl nearby. It keeps me up, waiting, listening for it's call.

Recently, I have drawn many webs, and let the spiders in my house build thier webs. Yes it looks a bit like The Munsters live here, but I dont really mind! I have been more and more interested in the kundalini and the serpant, along with feeling so close to an owl, right outside my bedroom window.

The PMDD, I have come to learn, can be reasonably controlled by good exercise, excellent diet and supplements. I am crap at regular exercise, I eat in fits and starts, but when I do I try to be healthy, I always fail when it comes to sugar. I am completely addicted. I smoke pot to numb the boredom of not being able to follow my dreams. I am doing everything I shouldnt be. Add to this, the manic depression, the monthly cycle of hormonal hell, and SAD which can hit me on grey days even in the summer.

I am in the midst of a healing crises. I think I have been here for quite a while. Over the years I have studied various faiths, practiced witchcraft, become attuned to Reiki, learned Aromatherapy and massage, studied the Tarot and Art therapy, symbolism, and Astrology. Been through years of counselling, mental health assessments and even a meeting with a Pastors Wife (who told me that I was ill in this way as I'd played with the occult and had been cursed).

I've been searching for someone, who can help me with my experience. I do not believe I have this illness by chance, I believe it is a manefestation of me not being on the right course in life. No matter how many times I change direction, I'm still not getting better. This is because, for the past 5 years, after a painful marriage break up, and battling with my demons, I have lost all my spiritual connections. Actually, not all. I still observe the festivals, and go for walks in each season. I cook seasonally, and entertain friends regularly. I have also returned to my Tarot studies, with more energy than ever. My personal relationship with the Goddess has suffered. It's been years since I meditated regularly, practised yoga, or worshipped under the full moon. I miss it, and I know I need it back in my life. I am worried about appearing odd to others, worried that it will all be in vain. Something happened today though, that has put my mind at rest.

While lazing in the bath, I felt very relaxed. I had just read a chapter of the book about journeying. I had always thought it to be a long process, having to be intricate and intense. In meditation classes, I would always be the person who didnt get a message, didnt get a gift. Today, I simply drifted off, and spoke to myself about what I saw. Whether the image came after the words, or vice versa, a scenario unfolded and I went on a journey. After stupidly assuming I didnt have any power animals, then realising the significance of the spider, snake and owl, I went on to see 2 more power animals on my journey, a bear and an eagle. I also met a tribal man, who gave me a gift, a bow and arrow. The first thing that came to mind was Diana, the huntress.

Later on that day, I was reading the chapter about Shaman Art. I decided to have a go at drawing with my left hand. With no intentions I put pen to paper and let it move where it wanted. Images started to appear, and I decided to colour it with my left hand too. It hurt a lot! but I am amazed at what I achieved with my left hand!



More animals appear to me, the Swan, the Dragonfly, the Clam (can I be as 'happy as a clam?'), all the Elements are there, a face, in profile or face on? The feeling of achieving this is exciting, and something I wish to practice more often. Another way I have tuned in is by pulling Soul Cards and drawing from them.
Since I moved to my current house, I've never seen so many dragonflies. I have even been scared witless my a huge dragonfly flying through the house. They are so loud! and sit beautifully on the washing line, but not long enough for me to get my camera! Earlier this year, I took some beautiful pictures of a Swan, that had made the most magnificant nest. My name, Catherine means Pure, in celtic symbology, the swan also signifies purity.
I am still going over all the things I have learned in my head. I have to wait for the thoughts to settle and digest. I am going to the New Forest tomorrow. A magical place for me, a place which always stirs something in me, especially at this time of year.

Everyday I am feeling a little more confident about the need for me to change everything, to take control, and be who I am supposed to be. How different I feel from one week ago, at New Moon.

By First quarter, I am alive again, I am buzzing, I read a whole book in 3 days!

After charting all my periods for the past year, it has become clear that I get my period 2-3 days after the full moon, so I ovulate around the new moon. New Moon, new egg.. Full moon passes, time to let go of the egg. Although full moon brings depression to varying degree, new moon brings a 'blip', an acute 'mood', a snap, a whirlwind that lasts a couple of days at most. At this time I have been out of control, burning with rage, and filled with pain. New moons always bring out the worst in me, yet the full moon is often filled with pre-menstrual depression. Maybe the quarter moons are best for me? when the powers are more equal, in balance.

Jeez, there we go again, balance, pisces, virgo... mother, career... single, settled.. man, woman? fighting extremes seems to be me destiny. I dont want to fight anymore, I want to be in control, honour and respect the way I am, rather than despise it.

Enough for now. More thoughts soon, including the fact I think this is now no longer a PMDD blog, more a journal of my shamanistic healing crises.

With my deepest thanks to Michele Bailey-Lessirard

Bang

The past couple of weeks have passed quite uneventfully. I came on, was a bit ratty, but kept myself busy, then the depression took over and I sunk.

I've been feeling like I did when I had SAD. Tired, lethargic, everything is an effort, even life itself.

Today, I went mental, had a breakdown.. whatever you wanna call it. For no particular reason, I got up, and snapped. Screaming and shouting, suicidal thoughts and words, fear and loathing of my life. Everything it has been, is and will be.

The doctor came. He was nice. I'm going back on anti-depressants and have some other meds to keep me calmer. I feel like life is easier when I'm slightly sedated, hence why I smoke pot, but then again, on the other hand, what sort of life have you got if to live it, you have to be sedated.

I have wished today, that the part of me that constantly dreams, hopes and aspires, would dissapear, shut up, be deactivated. All the dreaming hightlights how far my life is from where I would like it to be, and it just hurts, like torture. Shutting up the dreams means I might just HAVE to find a way to deal with the way things are.

What is a life without dreams? especially for a pisces.

I realised, when I logged on this evening, after sleeping the day away, that it is New Moon today. This is one of many 'episodes' that I have had at New Moon.

I clicked straight over to my favourite astrology journal, that spotlights the New Moons, and a few things jumped out at me.

Scorpio-react to the whack.
The urge to merge, Scorpio’s energy and The Way of the Shaman. We meet these Scorpio issues in all of our relationships, especially in love and fear. What part of me had to go to sleep to be in relationship with you? How do I react to the whack?

A lot of the issues I have are regarding relationships. I have 3 main troubled ones, My mother, my partner and my eldest daughter. All three push my buttons and cause a certain amount of distress in my head.

In Scorpio one tempers the creative fire of Leo. During the time when the Sun moves through Scorpio we get an opportunity to see what is out of whack [fall harvest], how we are merging but not getting fed creatively. This urge to merge comes to a head at the New Moon in Scorpio- you’ll see pretty quickly what needs attention, and what you need to let go of to move forward.

Letting go of the old way to move into the new is the gift of Scorpio’s transformation. The key word here is TRANSCENDANCE.

"We spend a tremendous amount of psychic energy looking for lost parts of ourselves. We do this unconsciously, and we do this in many different ways-generating dreams, experimenting with numerous spiritual paths, creating relationships that mirror back to us our missing parts...Whenever we experience a trauma, a part of our vital essence separates from us in order to survive the experience by escaping the full impact of the pain. If a part of our vital essence has fled, how can we bring it back? Trauma is controlled by the body. Talking about trauma does not resolve it. [In a healing session] can the person absorb the light from the returned soul essence into every cell of the body?"-Sandra Ingerman in her book Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self

Lost parts of myself. My inner child. The child that was left behind. The child that no-body wanted. My dad left me and my mum when I was 3. My mum got remarried when I was 11. I was a pain in the ass, a burden, a thing that needed love and attention, an only child. My mum left when I was 17. Moved to France, with my step-dad. I went through engagement, marriage, 2 pregnancies, divorce, homelessness, and suffering a mental illness and depression without her. Everyone else around me had to deal with my moods, my lows, my rage. Where was she? In my darkest moments, in the depths of the pain, all I wanted was my Mum, to make it all better like Mum's are supposed to. She never came.

My husband, who I was with when my mum left, after 9 years together, had an affair. I was 25, almost divorced and homeless. Now the little trust I had in men (my dad leaving was enough to put pay to me thinking much of men), had been destroyed.

I met my father, when I was 23. We started to build a relationship, and 3 years later, he moved to Spain with his girlfriend. Left again. I may have been 26, but the pain of him leaving again took me straight back to being a child.

They both showed me that I wasnt worth sacrificing anything for. They wanted their partners and thier lives, they didnt want me, a screaming baby, a moody, depressive teenager or even a woman who'd got through it and was doing ok.

I started cutting ties with my father, as trying to stay in touch was hard. I was constantly being dissapointed by him, and he is certainly not on the pedestal he once was. My Mum, returned from Europe almost a year ago. Her relationship had fallen apart (not my step-dad, he died a few years ago) and she said she was back for good and wanted a relationship with me. I've tried, but it recently became apparent that she still has no concept on how her actions have affected me. She just wants to forget it all and move on. Unfortunately, it's not that easy for me, and the pain of abandonment, and the feeling of not being good enough for you own mothers love is just too much to bear.

I am scared for my children. That I will mess up, that I am not good enough to bring up the two amazing souls I was blessed with looking after.

Scorpio’s energy demands transformation- this watery sign is ruled by both Mars, Pluto and some say Chiron. Where Scorpio sits in your chart you are called to shape shift by letting go and surrendering. Holding onto your pain and suffering, trying to remain in control or becoming controlling [usually related to a unconscious fear] is related to a lack of trust and thus creates more soul loss. Walk your talk.

Scorpio, is in 8th house, which is the house Scorpio rules. Not sure what that means.

Mars rules fiery Aries and watery Scorpio- fire does not like water. Reflect on that [fire and anger with water and emotions] for a moment. Mars, Pluto and Chiron brings the forth the ability to recognize and understand our pain, transform it and then create from it. Let me talk about creativity, power and shamanism from my perspective….

It was definately firey water today. Which again is quite apt, as I have just drawn up my next tattoo, and it has firey water, with two firey orange fish, with eyes on thier backs. No wonder the tattoo felt so right when I drew it up.

So at this New Moon in Scorpio how are you stuck? What emotion is still present -anger, sadness, guilt, fear?

How is your pain urging you to merge, yet you are not moving? This Scorpio New Moon will reveal a pattern, dredge up the past, so stay aware. Watch your dreams and what is showing up [omens] in your waking life. It may be related to the last time Saturn was in Virgo (1977-78).

I have to think about this more. My pain is urging me to move away from the past and the things that have constantly let me down. Move away from the dissapointments and the inevitable pain. The past has been dredged up. It started with an argument with my mother, and another mental health assessment last week that asked me to rake up everything all over again. It's been on my mind, bugging, niggling, working it's way in until today... Bang. I burst.

The last time Saturn was in Virgo was when I was born, I have never had this transit in my adult lifetime. I was 3 when it passed.. funnily enough, that was when my Dad left me.

I have so many desires. So many things I want to do with my life. Having kids is an eternal struggle of responsibilty and dreams that can never come true.

How can I find peace?

I'm tired. Thanks for reading.