Mad week

So this week turned out to be a bit crazy!  After the article came out, I had journalists on my case.  There are a couple of agencies out there who want to help me take my story to national women's magazines or papers.
With this week being one of my 'difficult' ones, it really did my head in.  Too many questions, pressure and a sense of urgency that wasnt really needed made my head spin.  I didnt get the college work finished that I wanted to, and I've been a bit more stressed out with the girls than usual.

I've had more ideas for art work, and even managed to complete a new piece.  It really helped to get my mind off everything else.  Simple, and some may say silly, but you'll have to wait and see!!
I was inspired last weekend when my boyfriend and I visited Southampton Art Gallery.  We saw the Bridget Riley exhibition.  It was amazing.  I remember looking at her work in college, but to see it for real, and to learn more about her was inspiring.  It's right up my street too!  Colour, how it makes you feel, how it works next to other colours, contrasts and movement.  Portraying the natural world in it's basic forms of colour and vibrations.  I have had some really good ideas for more artwork, and might even go back and see the exhibition again while it's there.  I'm always looking for ideas and imagery that helps me to convey the emotions of PMDD, and I have some plans to do some paintings that focus on the colour red.  Red rage, seeing red, menstruation, anger, warning, danger, blood, life, fire...  all key things that come to mind when I think about my PMDD.... watch this space!!

Extreme PMT made me violent and suicidal

My story came out today in the local paper.  I am happy with it.  I don't like the picture much, I look tired and my face looks puffy... but I guess thats a good representation of what PMDD does to you.  I also had a huge spot on my face which has been there for 6 weeks now!  Thats just not right.. damn you hormones!

There has been lots of good feedback, and I've been contacted for another story, so maybe this is the start of something.  It would be great to be able to raise more awareness about the condition and help other women.  getting it recognised by doctors would be a start.  A lady on the PMDD Community forum said her doctor said "PMDD isnt a condition here"  (meaning the UK) but they do recognise severe PMS...  Oh my days...

What I do know is there are only a handful of people (specialists) in the UK, and you gotta be very wealthy or prepared to take out huge loans to get thier help.  Doctors dont know what to do, and if they dont believe it exists, what hope has anyone suffering from PMDD?

My story in the paper...

It comes out... tomorrow!

I'm still a bit nervous about it.  I wont know exactly what it says until tomorrow, I dont know what the picture of me is like... and OMG.. I can quite believe it's happened!  I guess I'm worried about people I have known in the past seeing it.. people I went to school with, ex-boyfriends...  I suppose they will all realise why I was a bit crazy back then!
I am not majorly stressing, as I expect the reality is, that it will come out, the day will pass and no-one will say anything!!
At least I have tried to get the message out... that PMDD is real.  It's as debilitating as any other mental health disorder, sometimes more so.. it comes with a whole array of horrible physical symptoms, and trying to find the right treatment for you, is a long and arduous journey.  It's like having a force that is constantly working against you, and no matter what you do, it gets you.  Even when you are expecting symptoms, you are never quite sure when they will hit, or to what degree.  Will it be anger or sadness? frustration and rage, or sucidal feelings?  The guilt is sometimes too hard to bear, and the damage sometimes to much to fix.

Today has been spacey.  Day 3 of my cycle.  I'm pretty calm.. but I cant get focussed on anything.  Lots of things I could have done, but didn't.  The kids are really stressing me out at the moment, and the headaches... urgh... 4 days of headaches bad enough I have to sit in the dark, or go to bed.  My back is still bad, and energy is very low.

Tomorrow will be a quiet day, and I have promised to go easy on myself, but I would like to get a couple of things done that I put off today.  A trip to the shop to get a paper, of course, walk the dog, and an early night are the only things planned.

Achieve something, everyday, no matter how small.... words I live by at the moment.

Traveling

I drew a card today, Osho Zen Tarot. Thought I'd share:

Life is a continuity always and always. There is no final destination it is going towards. Just the pilgrimage, just the journey in itself is life, not reaching to some point, no goal--just dancing and being in pilgrimage, moving joyously, without bothering about any destination. What will you do by getting to a destination? Nobody has asked this, because everybody is trying to have some destination in life. But the implications... If you really reach the destination of life, then what? Then you will look very embarrassed. Nowhere to go...you have reached to the final destination--and in the journey you have lost everything. You had to lose everything. So standing naked at the final destination, you will look all around like an idiot: what was the point? You were hurrying so hard, and you were worrying so hard, and this is the outcome.

Osho Rinzai: Master of the Irrational Chapter 7

Commentary:
The tiny figure moving on the path through this beautiful landscape is not concerned about the goal. He or she knows that the journey is the goal, the pilgrimage itself is the sacred place. Each step on the path is important in itself. When this card appears in a reading, it indicates a time of movement and change. It may be a physical movement from one place to the next, or an inner movement from one way of being to another. But whatever the case, this card promises that the going will be easy and will bring a sense of adventure and growth; there is no need to struggle or plan too much. The Traveling card also reminds us to accept and embrace the new, just as when we travel to another country with a different culture and environment than the one we are accustomed to. This attitude of openness and acceptance invites new friends and experiences into our lives.

My unglorious summer (and autumn come to that)

Dealing with PMDD is hard enough.  It's just about bearable if I can keep stress down to a minimum.  I had saved up a few quid to go away for a week in August.  Somewhere cheap and sunny was the plan, with my boyfriend.  The kids were both visiting thier dad's.

A few weeks before I was going to go away on holiday for a break, my car dies.  I lived without a car for a month or so, then realised that a holiday abroad wasnt going to happen.  My savings needed to go towards a new car.  Half my kid free time was spent at home, then I managed to find a suitable car.  Problem was, I'd spent everything, and even going camping went out of the window.  The stress and extra hassel of not having a car in a rural area, of not going away, of not making good use of the time without my kids, really took it's toll.

I had a back up plan.  I had booked a trip to Spain for 4 days in October, on my own.  It was a dancing holiday, a retreat.  It was going to be my saviour.  I was gonna achieve a massive thing if I could travel abroad on my own, and the retreat itself offered great respite, fun, good food, and peace.  I was getting really nervous, and had a few wobbles about going.  Three days before my planned trip, I started to get excited, and began to compile everything I would need to take, organise what to pack, and borrowed a case etc
Two days before I go, while cleaning and tidying up the house (after taking the little one to school and walking the dog) I bent down to put away a magazine and my back went.  Lower back.. a definate PING.  I knew immediately that this was not good, and managed to walk like a stiff crippled robot to the kitchen  I took a painkiller (one of my usual back pain tablets) and hobble back to the living room.  Sitting down was excruciating, and I knew immediately I was stuck on the sofa.  None of my neighbours were in, so I had to call my man at work.

I was on the sofa for the rest of the day.  The doc faxed over prescriptions for stronger painkillers and muscle relaxants, but there was nothing anyone could do.  I knew I wasnt going to be going anywhere.  But I kept hoping that I would, as if by a miracle, be better to fly and dance in 2 days time.
It took 4 days untill I could walk without holiding on to everything.  That weekend was horrrible.  My mind kept reminding me where I should have been, wondering what it would be like, what I would have been like if I had been able to go.  I felt sick.

Let's just say it's really knocked me.  I had such hopes for what I was going to do when I came back from Spain, energised and excited.  But instead, I'm still in pain, still having to be very careful what I do, and every day feels like a waste again.  My weight is becoming an issue for me again, but even walking the dog for an hour, means I need to sit down for a while afterwards.  I feel 83, not 33.

All in all, a VERY unglorious summer.

Spirituality and PMDD

I am a very spiritual person, although not in the conventional sense. In my early teens I was contacting spirits and reading Tarot cards, by 18 I was learning about paganism and the Goddess religions. I followed my path which took me to The Craft, and became a member of a coven. I have never renounced a Christian God, or any other deity from anywhere in the world, and I find myself now following an eclectic mix of beliefs from many places. In my view, God, Goddess, Allah, Shiva, are all names for the same thing, The Universal energies that surround us.

I became an Aromatherapist, and started using my healing abilities in my early 20's, and ever since I have learned about crystals, chakras, colours, sound, and creation as ways to heal ourselves.  I am currently studying Reflexology, Colour Therapy and Chakra Healing.

All of this however has not cured me of symptoms (neither has conventional medicine), but I can say, it has and is still helping me to find my own way of living with it, and I am now finding more of an understanding of myself, how I work and why I am like this. I must point out that I did 'leave' all my spiritual ideas behind for a while, disconnected, tried living without them, and all it did was make me worse. I have learned a valuable lesson, and am now jumping in with 2 feet on the holistic/spiritual front.  It feel SO right, and although i'm just feeling my way through, things are starting to make some sense.

I'm not saying that looking at the spiritual aspect will heal all, the same way as popping a pill wont solve everything, but I do think that there is something underlying all this, deep within my soul.  Treatment HAS to be holistic.

There are a few others who have opnions on this, and I have included the links to thier sites here.

Dragonfly Psychic - A personal opnion on PMS

Breast Health Project - A short explanation on Sprituality and PMS

Owning Pink - An Australian site about menstruation - A lovely resource!

Lorraine Pintus - Christian view of God, PMS and how to cope.

Journal of Psychology and Theology - An excerpt about a study that looks at a womans spiritual well-being along with her illness. 

AwarenessMag - Nancy Brady's Article on Creativity, Intuition and PMS

Do you use Spirituality to help cope with PMDD?
Do you have rituals or routines that relate to your Spirituality and coping with PMDD?
Do you pray to a God/Goddess for help? Have you ever received any help?
Any thoughts on Chakras and colours?

I'm just throwing this out there, as I'd love to know what others think about it!

I want to write but...

...the words just dont come.

Maybe today I'll have more luck.  Everytime I want to sit and write about my condition, or rant, or just throw crazy thoughts at the screen, I seem to gag myself.  A million reason come into my mind about why I shouldn't write, even though the only reason I need is that it might make me feel better.

This year has been a tough ride, but it feels like that every year.
I came off all meds in June, and have been using a homeopathic remedy, Lac Humanum.  It seems to be helping, but controlling my irrational thoughts is the hardest thing at the moment.

I have lots of little things I want to post about, so will go for the short and sweet approach, then maybe, I might be able to get my head around posting more often.

This week has been horrible.  I had booked and paid for a trip to Spain.  I was getting all set to go, and then my back went.  One false move and my long awaited trip, all the cash, and my dream of getting away and finding myself went up the swanny.  That happened last week, and I coped ok.  There wasnt much I could do about it, as I couldnt even stand up with help for the first two days.  I was lucky it hadnt gone while in Spain, but still... I was stuck to the sofa, or laid up in bed, with painful journeys between the two.  Over a week on, and I'm still in pain, and my muscles aren't happy.
Ironically, I had booked on a dance retreat!  Definatley no dancing for me :(

So this week is a week of lost dreams, feeling alone, and frustrated with life.
Thankfully, I have been able to draw, it appears I also might finally get some things written down, and have managed to cope with the kids off on half term.  Hooray.