So, where have I been... well, this is the nature of the beast. Although I havent been bouncing off the walls and rejoicing my eternal happiness, life has been ticking over and I havent felt the irritation of life wash over me... Until today.
In fact, far from being 'normal' and happy, the past 2 weeks have been low, I have for the most part, stayed indoors, and kept myself to myself. There have been times when I have wanted to visit, and write, but due to time being so short when I can think clearer, I didn't want to get into moaning.
The weekend of the 13/14th, ovulation, was awful. I was so down and depressed, and alone.
I am behind on bills and shopping, I am broke, and now, to top it all, my partner had an operation on Monday and is now off work for 4 weeks. Before he went into hosp, a situation arose, one which hurt and upset me. I would rather be doing anything other than nursing him. I am angry with him, but it's all brushed under the carpet again.
I am due on in the next few days. It is full moon on friday, and I really havent a clue how I am going to cope with it all. My eldest daughter is back at the weekend too. I should be looking forward to it, but to be honest, she is just another source of stress.
I have an appointment with another psychiatrist on friday, but far from getting my hopes up, or hoping they will be able to help, I know I'll be a puzzle, a mystery, and they'll offer plenty of stuff that will never happen.
Down on the world again... yup.
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
Back again..
So, to ensure this journal actually works as a record for me, I must fill in the past few days.
Friday (Day 5), after very little sleep, was pretty average. I went to the Doctors regarding the depression and the fact that I dont feel well enough to get a job or forward my life in anyway. I have been reffered to a Gynacologist, and back for Psychiatric care and support. I have a choice regarding medication. I can try Progesterone, as I havent tried it before and some women find it helpful, but I am worried sick about putting more hormones into my body. It cant cope with the ones I've got!
Saturday and Sunday (Day 6 & 7) were busy, productive, and I felt a lot better. I had some energy, we cleared out the shed and did a whole array of other housey type jobs. I had one blip on Saturday around 3-4pm, and had a little freak out, about money this time, and the lack of it, and how I'm destined to live in a house we cant afford with dirty magnolia walls as we'll never have the money to make it nice.
Monday (Day 8), Mood was still good. I was still cleaning and doing odd jobs round the house. A friend was due to come from the USA, but for a reason still unknown to me, he didnt turn up. Obviously I am worried, but I have followed every route to try and contact him or find out whats happened to no avail. All I cant do is sit and wait for some news. I know he'll contact me when he can.
I think the change in plans buggered it up for me. I was hoping that with my friend here, I would have a distraction, company and someone to fill my time in the daytime with. Now he hasnt come, I am still where I was, only I have a sparkling clean house!
Yesterday (Tuesday - Day 9) I had a good day. Luke was off work, we had a huge late brunch with a mate, and watched kids videos! (it was pouring with rain all day and not worth going out for anything!) I felt tired, but still managed to cook two more meals (one in advance for today), visited a friend, and felt generally upbeat.
Today however... Day 10, and I find myself worring again about my future, my weight, my eating habits. Broke down in tears again on the phone, and was horrible to my eldest daughter again. Worried I'll never get myself out of all the habits that are no good for me. The fact is, I have to change all this, I simply HAVE to, or life isnt worth living.
I feel like a bad mother today. I was mean to my eldest before she went to school, even though I know she is nervous about going away with her Dad on hols this week, and I haven't given Fae much attention for a few days. Unfortunately, she's become addicted to videos, and is happy watching them, so that suits me when I am feeling crap. We have been out for a walk today, and I try to do 'something' with her everyday, but to me, it still doesnt feel like I'm doing enough with her.
Mind you, I never feel like I'm doing enough.
Friday (Day 5), after very little sleep, was pretty average. I went to the Doctors regarding the depression and the fact that I dont feel well enough to get a job or forward my life in anyway. I have been reffered to a Gynacologist, and back for Psychiatric care and support. I have a choice regarding medication. I can try Progesterone, as I havent tried it before and some women find it helpful, but I am worried sick about putting more hormones into my body. It cant cope with the ones I've got!
Saturday and Sunday (Day 6 & 7) were busy, productive, and I felt a lot better. I had some energy, we cleared out the shed and did a whole array of other housey type jobs. I had one blip on Saturday around 3-4pm, and had a little freak out, about money this time, and the lack of it, and how I'm destined to live in a house we cant afford with dirty magnolia walls as we'll never have the money to make it nice.
Monday (Day 8), Mood was still good. I was still cleaning and doing odd jobs round the house. A friend was due to come from the USA, but for a reason still unknown to me, he didnt turn up. Obviously I am worried, but I have followed every route to try and contact him or find out whats happened to no avail. All I cant do is sit and wait for some news. I know he'll contact me when he can.
I think the change in plans buggered it up for me. I was hoping that with my friend here, I would have a distraction, company and someone to fill my time in the daytime with. Now he hasnt come, I am still where I was, only I have a sparkling clean house!
Yesterday (Tuesday - Day 9) I had a good day. Luke was off work, we had a huge late brunch with a mate, and watched kids videos! (it was pouring with rain all day and not worth going out for anything!) I felt tired, but still managed to cook two more meals (one in advance for today), visited a friend, and felt generally upbeat.
Today however... Day 10, and I find myself worring again about my future, my weight, my eating habits. Broke down in tears again on the phone, and was horrible to my eldest daughter again. Worried I'll never get myself out of all the habits that are no good for me. The fact is, I have to change all this, I simply HAVE to, or life isnt worth living.
I feel like a bad mother today. I was mean to my eldest before she went to school, even though I know she is nervous about going away with her Dad on hols this week, and I haven't given Fae much attention for a few days. Unfortunately, she's become addicted to videos, and is happy watching them, so that suits me when I am feeling crap. We have been out for a walk today, and I try to do 'something' with her everyday, but to me, it still doesnt feel like I'm doing enough with her.
Mind you, I never feel like I'm doing enough.
Friday, 5 October 2007
Filling time...
You Are Fall! |
 Expressive Creative Poetic Smart |
Your PMS Disaster Level: High |
 You are definitely a PMS disaster! At least you're only scary a few days of the month. |
If only that were true!
Insomnia
I've been awake since about 2.30am. Laying in bed, cold and quiet. Nothing is directly playing on my mind, just awake, again.
Earlier this week, I lay listening to an Owl, that was sat outside our house. I listened to it's haunting cry for about an hour, fell asleep, then woke up twice after that. I always look at the clock, even though at night, without my contact lenses, it is hard to see. If I squint I can just focus enough to make out the numbers.
The Owl, has two distinct sides in folklore.
On one hand it is revered and said to be a power animal of the Goddess Athene. Wise, powerful at night, a creature of the moon. The Greeks allowed them to love in thier temples and believed they had a magical inner light, given to them by the Gods.
On the other, the crie of the Owl is seen as a sign of impending death, The Romans saw the Owl as evil, as it was a nocturnal creature. They believed Witches turned into owls and sucked the bloood of babies. The Romans believed that nailing a dead owl to the front door would protect them from evil.
The Owl as a Spirit Guide
The Owl is the bringer of wisdom. The all-seeing owl possesses supernatural qualities and is often associated with intuition, clairvoyance and clairaudience.
The Owl’s energy is at its peak in the very heart of darkness. When we are plunged into blindness and disorientation. He penetrates the darkness of the blackest night. Seeing and hearing that which others cannot.
A magical creature of the forest enigmatic and powerful.If the owl is calling you, or you are aware of the owl being present in your life, dreaming or waking. You are being called upon to open your eyes, ears and mind to the truth of a situation. To listen to the wisdom deep in your heart and soul. That still small voice is trying to reach you in some way. To assist you or help you in a current challenge you may be facing. Tap into the power of the Owl by calling on your own intuition, listen to your own wisdom for there is something you need to see or hear.
As the owl is so strongly associated with the night time, his wisdom may come to you while you slumber. So take the time to be aware of your dreams or make a special effort to remember and write down any important dreams you have.
The Owl is a messenger that can bring clarity and illumination.
Monday, 1 October 2007
It continues...
Third day now of feeling terrible.
I've been an ogre this morning, and my eldest daughter copped it.
She doesnt deserve the harsh words, the criticism, the things I say that make her feel unwanted. Thats what I went through. Not in such a direct way, but the message was the same. I dont want you.. go live with your Dad.. In truth he wont have her living with him and nor would mine.
How do I ever make up for all the awful things I've said? She will never be able to trust me, my words, as there is no consistency. As with the PMDD.. life potters along OK, and then.. BAM.. Mummy's going mental again.
I'd like to say it's day 1 of my moon, but in reality, it's not really started yet. I'm still waiting for the painful cramping and agonising backache. That lasts a day or two. Maybe it will start later today. It would be so much easier if it was clean cut.. on.. off.. but I've learned that periods dont work like that for me. The curse? yes.. it's my curse.
The 'Fairground Mirror' effect has been with me since Saturday too... that experience of everything you wore last week now looks terrible when you put it on. You look at yourself in the mirror and cant believe how bad you look, how fat you are, how bad your hair is. How can YOU go outside looking like that? All my self confidence vanishes, and I make myself believe that staying in is the only option, that, or go out anyway and feel paranoid.
Funnily enough, I read a quote this morning:
"Trying to find a cure for PMS, is like trying to find a cure for being a woman".
It begs the question, HOW do I ever get my life back? If this is just me, and my unfortunate luck to have a body that reacts badly to it's own hormones, and there is no cure, this is just the way it is... How do I survive? How can I possibly bring up my children the way they deserve?
I've been thinking that my way out would be to get a job, to have something to work for, some money, some time away from being Mum. At times like this I then wonder if I could ever hold down a job and what would happen if this hit and I had to go to work. Lets face it, It's gonna happen once a month. I always prided myself on being a confident, happy, dedicated employee. I never pull sickies, I like to work, but when I feel like this i'm likely to just tell the Boss to piss off and shove his job.. either that of end up having so much time off sick there would be no point in working.
What to do?
The doc will want me back on the Prozac. If I felt like it would bring relief, I would, but my moods still happen, It's just takes the edge off it. What my life really needs is an overhaul. When will I find the time for that?
Small steps are fine, if I didnt have to keep leaping off course to be a Mother.
I hope I remeber to write this when I'm having good days too... I'm a nice person really.
(Today was DAY 1 afterall)
I've been an ogre this morning, and my eldest daughter copped it.
She doesnt deserve the harsh words, the criticism, the things I say that make her feel unwanted. Thats what I went through. Not in such a direct way, but the message was the same. I dont want you.. go live with your Dad.. In truth he wont have her living with him and nor would mine.
How do I ever make up for all the awful things I've said? She will never be able to trust me, my words, as there is no consistency. As with the PMDD.. life potters along OK, and then.. BAM.. Mummy's going mental again.
I'd like to say it's day 1 of my moon, but in reality, it's not really started yet. I'm still waiting for the painful cramping and agonising backache. That lasts a day or two. Maybe it will start later today. It would be so much easier if it was clean cut.. on.. off.. but I've learned that periods dont work like that for me. The curse? yes.. it's my curse.
The 'Fairground Mirror' effect has been with me since Saturday too... that experience of everything you wore last week now looks terrible when you put it on. You look at yourself in the mirror and cant believe how bad you look, how fat you are, how bad your hair is. How can YOU go outside looking like that? All my self confidence vanishes, and I make myself believe that staying in is the only option, that, or go out anyway and feel paranoid.
Funnily enough, I read a quote this morning:
"Trying to find a cure for PMS, is like trying to find a cure for being a woman".
It begs the question, HOW do I ever get my life back? If this is just me, and my unfortunate luck to have a body that reacts badly to it's own hormones, and there is no cure, this is just the way it is... How do I survive? How can I possibly bring up my children the way they deserve?
I've been thinking that my way out would be to get a job, to have something to work for, some money, some time away from being Mum. At times like this I then wonder if I could ever hold down a job and what would happen if this hit and I had to go to work. Lets face it, It's gonna happen once a month. I always prided myself on being a confident, happy, dedicated employee. I never pull sickies, I like to work, but when I feel like this i'm likely to just tell the Boss to piss off and shove his job.. either that of end up having so much time off sick there would be no point in working.
What to do?
The doc will want me back on the Prozac. If I felt like it would bring relief, I would, but my moods still happen, It's just takes the edge off it. What my life really needs is an overhaul. When will I find the time for that?
Small steps are fine, if I didnt have to keep leaping off course to be a Mother.
I hope I remeber to write this when I'm having good days too... I'm a nice person really.
(Today was DAY 1 afterall)
Sunday, 30 September 2007
The Start
I wish it could be a positive one, but the fact is, untill the rage hits I'm lost and just too tired of my thoughts to do anything about them.
That was yesterday.
Today, My head is raging, I want to scream and fight and tell everyone what I think of them. All the pain I have ever faced, all the upsetting situations I've been in, all the dissapointment, all the doubt, all hit's me at once like a dam breaking.
First the angry thoughts trickle through... stupid stuff bout the washing up not being done, or belongings left lying about. Then it starts getting worse, and I start to question my life. Surely, if my life wasnt like this then I'd be ok???
Then it turns inwards, and the Dam breaks. I am washed away in all the sadness and anger, all the hurt and the rage. I find myself fighting against my own self. It's relentless.
The more anyone says, the worse it gets.
I hate my kids, I regret having them. I'm supposed to be thier everything, and every month, I am nothing. I hide away, I cant be in the same room as them. I stay behind and they go out.
I sit with myself and try to relieve the rampage in my head. I try to make thier lives good, and me staying away is the only way I can see to protect them.
At this time, I dream of packing my bags and leaving. Of getting on a train and finidng somewhere, alone, where I can do no damage to anyone but myself. No-one derserves to be on the recieving end when the PMDD hits.
At the moment, I dont work. It drives me insane. I feel like everything I can offer is being lost in time, worry, anxiety and low self confidence.
I look back to how confident I was before I had kids, and I just wish I could get that back. I sometimes see glimpses, like when your in a car and you see something interesting behind a fence. You know it's there, but you cant for the life of you get a decent look.
I'm down the pit again, at the bottom today. I may be half way up tomorrow, squinting at the sunlight and making tracks to get closer, or I may end up curling up and staying there a while.
My anger is at times too much to bear. Like the negative voice that sits on your shoulder, mine climbs in through my ear and invades my head. It's impossible to shake it out, it's a battle, every month.
Yet... at times, I feel my most strong and assertive. All the things I put up with all month, suddenly become unbearable, and I try to bring it up, try to express myself... then more often than not it goes wrong. I dont word it well, I raise my voice, or I just might break down in sobs.. The things that bothered me, earlier on that month, that were just a niggle, start unfolding themselves as more things to be upset about, more issues to have with people. Are they real? Or are they just a product of the PMDD? How can I be sure?
Then, the doubt sets in. Is this me? Is this just who I am?
Well.. it IS me... Until I get this monster completely under control, It will be 'me', every month.
On the upside, It's not this bad every month. I have 'good' months. Those I rate by how much damage has been caused. If I manage to get through it with minimum disruption, it's a 'good' month. If it wreks my life and upsets my family, if I cant be a part of the family, and stay at home, then it's a 'bad' month.
Today, this month's moon has been a bad one. I'm feeling very low, and alone.
That was yesterday.
Today, My head is raging, I want to scream and fight and tell everyone what I think of them. All the pain I have ever faced, all the upsetting situations I've been in, all the dissapointment, all the doubt, all hit's me at once like a dam breaking.
First the angry thoughts trickle through... stupid stuff bout the washing up not being done, or belongings left lying about. Then it starts getting worse, and I start to question my life. Surely, if my life wasnt like this then I'd be ok???
Then it turns inwards, and the Dam breaks. I am washed away in all the sadness and anger, all the hurt and the rage. I find myself fighting against my own self. It's relentless.
The more anyone says, the worse it gets.
I hate my kids, I regret having them. I'm supposed to be thier everything, and every month, I am nothing. I hide away, I cant be in the same room as them. I stay behind and they go out.
I sit with myself and try to relieve the rampage in my head. I try to make thier lives good, and me staying away is the only way I can see to protect them.
At this time, I dream of packing my bags and leaving. Of getting on a train and finidng somewhere, alone, where I can do no damage to anyone but myself. No-one derserves to be on the recieving end when the PMDD hits.
At the moment, I dont work. It drives me insane. I feel like everything I can offer is being lost in time, worry, anxiety and low self confidence.
I look back to how confident I was before I had kids, and I just wish I could get that back. I sometimes see glimpses, like when your in a car and you see something interesting behind a fence. You know it's there, but you cant for the life of you get a decent look.
I'm down the pit again, at the bottom today. I may be half way up tomorrow, squinting at the sunlight and making tracks to get closer, or I may end up curling up and staying there a while.
My anger is at times too much to bear. Like the negative voice that sits on your shoulder, mine climbs in through my ear and invades my head. It's impossible to shake it out, it's a battle, every month.
Yet... at times, I feel my most strong and assertive. All the things I put up with all month, suddenly become unbearable, and I try to bring it up, try to express myself... then more often than not it goes wrong. I dont word it well, I raise my voice, or I just might break down in sobs.. The things that bothered me, earlier on that month, that were just a niggle, start unfolding themselves as more things to be upset about, more issues to have with people. Are they real? Or are they just a product of the PMDD? How can I be sure?
Then, the doubt sets in. Is this me? Is this just who I am?
Well.. it IS me... Until I get this monster completely under control, It will be 'me', every month.
On the upside, It's not this bad every month. I have 'good' months. Those I rate by how much damage has been caused. If I manage to get through it with minimum disruption, it's a 'good' month. If it wreks my life and upsets my family, if I cant be a part of the family, and stay at home, then it's a 'bad' month.
Today, this month's moon has been a bad one. I'm feeling very low, and alone.
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