A bit about me...

I am an artist with a mood disorder. I suffer from PMDD, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

I've had it since my hormones kicked in during my early teens, but it wasnt diagnosed until I was 27. Up till that point, It was assumed I was depressed. I began to notice cycles, and correlations between my moodiness and my menstrual cycle, and began researching mood disorders. I discovered PMDD and realised that my symptoms checked all the boxes. I went to my doctor, who wouldnt entertain such a thing, so, I found another doctor. By this time I was in full blown severe mood swings, with anxiety attacks and agrophobia, something that I had last experienced during my first pregnancy. Untill I knew that there was a recognised condition, I truly believed I was going insane, or had gone insane. I couldnt cope with being a mother, having a child, work, life.. there have been many times when I have been close to leaving this world forever. From the age of 16, I had been having mental heath assessments, counselling, sessions with psychiatrists, and everyone has tried to get me to take anti-depressants. I always said no, believing there were better ways to survive, but in my years of suffering, I have realised that the only way to survive without medication is having an amazing support system of friends, family, support groups... and even then, it will be very difficult. The chemical imbalances in my body, lead to imbalances in my brain, which in turn, create crazy thoughts, depression, lethargy, agrophobia, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, negativity and a general sense of confusion and frustration.
I have taken various anti-depressants over the years, but my dose had increased and with such a scatty head, remembering to take them was half the problem. I came off Fluoxetine 2 months ago. A choice
made because my life has dramatically changed, I am happier, I have been strong through a whole heap of bad times, I have a roof over my head, two beautiful children and a man who loves me. If there isn't a better time to come off the meds, I dont know when is.

Having said that, the moods are still swinging like a pendulum, and life is very difficult at times. The ups are great, the downs can be very bad, and trying to go with the flow and accept this is a very hard task.
I have have developed ways of coping, but still struggle month to month, day to day. I am in unknown territory now, no meds, but a happier life... Painting, creating and cooking are all things that help, but
sometimes the demons are so hard to shake off that even the doing the things I love cant drag me back from the depths.

I have always been interested in the alternative and esoteric. I never felt like I have fitted in, always the outsider, always the one left behind, but I became devoted to the spritual from a young age. From
faeries in the garden, making potions from plants, to asking for Tarot cards on my 13th Birthday and reading books on ghosts and spirits. Since leaving school I have studied Performing Arts, Art, Graphic Design, Photography, Aromatherapy, Massage and Tarot Therapy. I have self taught myself about Crystals, Astrology, Sacred Geometry, Art Therapy and Mandalas and have been practicing Yoga and Meditation on and off for 10 years. Many of these things have helped me survive over the years. Learning new things excites me, and there are still so many things I want to know about. Astrology is a huge interest of mine, and I still plan to study to Professional level. Normal life is difficult for me. I have such severe fluctuations in my mood, things get cancelled at the last minute, even when I'm in an 'up' phase, anxieties can rear up, and some situations are just a no-no for me. I live in the countryside where life is slower and much more simple. I enjoy my occasional flirts with towns and citys, shopping and nights out, but I feel much safer at home, surrounded by places and people I know.

My Art, tends to arrive in bursts. Like cosmically alligned planets, I have to be 'in the mood' to draw, plus have enough time away from the children to get something started. Once something is started, I usually have to leave it during it's creation, then come back when the next alignment happens! but the painting/drawing never leaves my head until it's finished. I am spontaneous in my work and usually, with very little planning I will attack a canvas. Mandalas take more consideration before I start, but having geometry to work with, gives me somewhere to start. I find Mandalas very relaxing to draw. I went through a furious Mandala creating stage, which has slowed up now in favour of painting, but I still occasionally go back to my pencils and dive into a circle.

I face opposites and balance in so many aspects of my life. I am a Pisces Sun, with a Virgo Moon, so not only are the Sun and Moon in opposition naturally, so too are Pisces and Virgo at opposite sides of the zodiac wheel. Pisces, itself is the sign of two fish swimming in opposite directions. I have two sides to my personality when the moods hit, as any woman with PMDD will describe. Jekyll and Hyde come to mind. To top it off, my Rising sign is Gemini, the sign of the Twins. In Numerology my life path number is 33/6.

I have followed a pagan path all my life, but began reading and studying around the age of 18. I worked as a solitary witch for many years, and joined a coven in my early twenties. I still follow a pagan path, although my witchcraft is reserved for my own personal use, and is something very quietly personal to me. I am a Witch, (if you class a witch as someone who observes the seasons, honours the God and Goddess, and uses knowledge of nature to initiate change and healing for the good of all). I used to wear the symbol, I used to hold rituals and cast spells... but the need for such public and outward displays of my spirituality no longer interests me.

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment, We are choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside, This holy reality, this holy experience. Choosing to be here in This body. This
body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal. All this pain is an illusion. Alive, I. Parabola by TOOL

Every comment and piece of feedback left for me, helps me keep on creating, it encourages me, it inspires me. Thankyou to everyone who spends time looking at my creations and reading my words...

Wakey Wakey

Well.. it's been a while! lets just say 2008 was a bit mental in many respects!

Good to be back and hopefully blog more regularly!

Love Cat xx

Jean Endicott on PMDD

Dr. Jean Endicott has conducted studies of mood and behavior related to the menstrual cycle since 1975. Currently, Dr. Endicott is the Director of the Premenstrual Evaluation Unit at Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center in New York. Additionally, she is a Professor of Psychiatry at Columbia University and the Chief of the Department of Research Assessment and Training for the New York State Psychiatric Institute. A leading authority on premenstrual dysphoric disorder, Dr. Endicott had this to say about its impact on families:

"The impact of having PMDD is often quite severe and may cause problems in many aspects of a woman's life. Many women report that their PMDD symptoms have caused seriously impaired relationships with relatives, friends, or co-workers as well as with spouses or partners. Often, relationships have been lost because others say they can no longer "put up with" some of the recurrent behaviors. The divorce and separation rate is high in those who have been married and others say that they find it very difficult to "keep" a partner. Many have also lost jobs or failed to obtain promotions because of their symptoms -- although the major impact is usually on relationships because most women with PMDD are able to make special efforts to avoid or reduce interference with their work.

"Women also report that even during the 'non-premenstrual' phases of their cycle they often have a sense of dread and helplessness because they anticipate the next period of severe premenstrual problems. They also report being hesitant to plan ahead, feeling bad about the effect their condition has on their family (especially their children), and worrying about the future.

"Women with PMDD are often markedly symptomatic 12 to 14 days of each cycle, year after year after year. The cumulative effects of these repeated symptomatic periods can wreck a woman's life as well as that of her family."

Losing it

Today and yesterday I have been so low, to the point of despair.
I have no pot to smoke to get me through, so I am now on the Vodka. No point in pretending I can get through this with meditation, love and light as my thoughts are just too destructive

Just today, my brain has told me to, pack my bags, leave my baby with someone safe and leave, get in the car and drive and drive till I find somewhere to stay, with the intention of never returning.

OR

Pack all my partners stuff and tell him to leave. I want to be on my own..

OR

Smoke and drink till I cant feel the pain anymore. I would prefer to smoke but where I live is completely dry, so the little local Tesco's come to my rescue by selling quarter bottles of Voddy. Ahhh fuck it, what's the point in it all anyway?

Whats the point in an illness that means I cant be me for more than a few days?

Whats the point is battling?

Whats the point in fighting?

I have always felt like I am jinxed, like I have some curse on me. Is this what life will be like for another 30 years? I'm actually amazed I made it to 30. I thought I would be dead and buried by my early twenties. Maybe I really am just living on borrowed time now?

I apologise for being so self absorbed and depressed. I apologise to anyone who cant be arsed with moaning poeple like me. But in the grand scheme of things, you don't have to read or comment, I'm just fed up with pretending i'm ok.

Going downhill

My head has been all over the place with the pmdd, finance worries, and just generally trying to keep up with life itself.

I've spent the past few days feeling crappy, but making every effort to be positive, up and forward thinking. Trying to keep the good stuff in my head, trying to make things to aim for and achieve. Even after a reasonable nights sleep, I have woken today angry, angry at everything, feeling like everything thats been keeping me going for the past few days , is a pile of shite and will never happen. I feel like giving up again, but if i do, if i let go or lose what control i have over my mood, i will drop down into the pit again and dissapoint everyone again.

I want to work, i want to study, i want to contribute to the family, i want to be able to cope with the housework like normal people, I want little things to stay little things and for my brain not to create scenarios 100 times worse everytime. I want a rest, I want things to just be stable for more than a few days.

I feel disabled. I feel unable to live a normal life, I feel like just getting through each moon is an achievement that nobody else realises is an achievement. All other people see is someone who hibernates, avoids things, comes out once in a while, sometimes happy and bouncy, sometimes, so low it's . How can i expect friends and family to still love me? How can i expect them to put up with it? How can i help support my own family when I can barely keep my head together?

I was up at 7.30 to get the kids ready to walk. I ranted at rhiannon, my mind whirling and beating me up. By the time i was walking back tears are rolling down my face and i'm trying to wipe them away while pushing a buggy and shield my face from all the mums bogging out of thier car windows.

I was ok yesterday, i felt ok, not great but ok. Now today, bam... it's all gone.

I'm fed up with the rollercoaster and i just wanna jump off...

I'm just so tired of the frustration today. I feel like I should be living on my own, away from the people who get hurt and dont understand.

I feel like it's two steps forward them wipe out, every month. There's no consistency in anything, every month, every day, unpredictable. HOW the hell do I plan? HOW the hell do I get a job and keep it? How, when we are skinter than beggers on skint street do I cope with my illness and the fact it means that I am useless. The real thing we need is money, is me to work like other mums, but I cant do it.

I've been grabbing at anything for weeks... idea after idea of how to make cash, get myself better, study, do something constructive. Thats what everyone expects of me, and I feel the pressure everyday to fullfil it.

I aspire to jobs that I have seen, thinking of how, 'well ' could cope, thrive and succeed in the job, but then, it's the moods, the organising, the forgetfulness, the need for solitude... if it just stopped... if it just let me be then i could be successful, i could provide for my kids and support my man, but as it is, I'm not far off useless, apart from being able to cook meals out of next to nothing.

Blocked

So today, I have woken up with a foul mood. I'm grumpy, just want to be alone, and very moody. I upset everyone this morning, my thoughts have been wild, and all I have wanted to do is sit and draw or paint. I have been trying to think all day about where to start with my canvas. A million and one ideas flow through me. All different ideas, I start one, I leave it, I think about another, I dont like it, I repaint over my canvas for the second time.

I toy with the idea of getting out my paints and just going for it.. but every which way I turn, there is a reason not to.

I am on my own in the house... the way I like it when I'm feeling like this, but at the same time, I still have no peace, there is still no quiet in my mind. I'm whirling round on that wheel of fortune again, attempting to grab for the peaceful centre point, but with no success.

I am thankful for my attempts at living up to my challenge of writing for 10 mins a day. Now I have written a little, I think I know what to do on that bloody canvas. All I want to paint is dots. Points... centre points... where I want to be.

A dot. The start. The beginning of any mark made on paper. The tiny hole a compass makes at the centre of the circle.

I want to create something that takes time, that is repetitive... Like a mantra, or a chant, repeated over and over.

There's my 10 mins... I'm gonna go see if I can actually do this....

10 mins

Everyday I will write for at least 10 mins in one of my journals. I have 3. One with my deviantART page, one on my website, and here. I cross post between the other two quite often, but the stuff I post here usually stays here. At least that may mean that I keep this journal up, as I have been appalling at keeping it up. It's been about 2 months since I wrote, loads of stuff has happened... I got a job, left a job, Luke has a new job, we've sold our van... lots of earthly things, but my head is still no where near ready for the coming phases in my life.

I had intended to write something this evening, one of the many ideas or musings that come into my head, but just as I'd stuck Delicate sound of Thunder on iTunes and opened a fresh post, my baby cried out. Running up to see her, I was worried she may have fallen out of bed. She has just moved into a toddler bed from a cot. Alas, she was still in bed, covered, and I mean covered in sick.

I am not good at dealing with vomit. There's not too many things in the world that I cant deal with, but vomit is one of them. It comes from being really ill with travel sickness as a child, and then as a teenager/young adult, regularly hanging my head over the toilet bowl after crazy drinking sessions. In both my pregnancies the sickness has lasted for 4-5 months, in fact, the last time saw me in hospital as I couldnt even keep down water.

I'm assuming Fae has a tummy bug, as this happened last night too. Luke dealt with it last night while I slept, but this eve, I'm up, he's in bed. I could have woke him... and nearly did, but when it comes down to it, I'm her mum, and I have to be able to sort these things.

She sat in her bed, half asleep, did what she was told, quiet as a mouse. I ran her a warm bubbly bath and sat her in it while I went back to clean up the mess and change her bed covers. Holding my breath, and just taking time to sort it without freaking, I changed the covers, shook off the chunks into the toilet, and stuffed everything in the washing machine. Washed her hair, brushed her teeth, and put fresh jammies on, she did it all with no fuss, no bother and with the occasional beeming smile. A short story later, and she snuggled down to sleep.

I return back to the computer.. Dogs of War is playing, and I've missed the whole album!

The things you have to do when you're a mum!