This last month has been so hard. I began feeling the symptoms a week before I was due on. Tired, irritable, weepy. The art therapy I've been going to has brought up lots of past stuff, and with it fresh in my head, I feel the pain all over again. I cant see how this is helping, and I think I truly have come to the end of getting benefits from counselling type therapies. The past is the past, I cannot change it, so why keep talking about it?
I have been actively trying to stick to my commitments, to stop cancelling things, but last week, everyone cancelled on me. This leaves me with no plans, and too much time to think and dwell. I got so frustrated, so upset with everyone...
Right now, what I need is help keeping myself stable throughout the month. June's period sent me into a complete breakdown. I fear I have damaged my relationship. Things are back on track, but I fear that the craziness every month may keep chipping away and ruin everything.
Today, I'm 2 days away from ovulation. The past 3-4 days have been ok. My mood's been happier, still tired all the time, but the day's have been passing without any issues. I woke up today, and immediately got stressed out with the kids. Hmmm... I thought, I better check when I'm ovulating, and it turns out, in about 2 days. So 3 days... thats it? 3 days of being ok, and then today I'm feeling stressed, anxious, and teary. I'm tired and although I'm not cramping, I definately dont feel right.
Last week, during the aftermath of the weekend's breakdown, I sent emails for help. I found a Shaman woman called Ros, who invited me to go to a 5 Rhythms session. I went, and it was great. I will tell all in another post. I also contacted a guy who specialises in nutrition and functional medicine, and I am hoping to speak to him this week. I'm so tired, so fed up with this...
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
6 months on
Apologies for the long delay between posts. There have been many times over the past 6 months that I have wanted to write and update this journal, but the actual words would not come. To say I have been to hell and back is an understatement.
The Zoladex failed me miserably, and until February I was in a black black place. The urge to take my own life, the panic, the depression was all too much. My doctor, psychiatrist, and gynaecologist all wanted me off the Zoladex, and my psych put me on Lithium. It took a while for the Zoladex to wear off and longer for my cycle to resume. I asked if I could try a different injection. Decapeptyl has a much lower chance of triggering psychiatric problems, but my gynaecologist refused.
The lithium zapped every ounce of energy, and I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I was feeling the SAD waning, but the lithium kept me in a lethargic state. Everything became too much as it was so hard to even move. My body felt like lead. The mood swings were still there, but I seemed to get even less up time than before. In April I started coming off the lithium and have tried some homeopathic remedies prescribed by my doctor.
I stopped the lithium completely by the end of May, and I feel much more in control. I have my energy back, which still isnt great, but I can just about get done what I need to get done. I am trying to re-focus my life and find a way to bring in a source of income in the future. My kids are both at school, and I have to find something to do during the day. Too much time to think and wind myself up is a nightmare, but too much to do and I end up exhausted.
I qualified as an Aromatherapist 10 years ago, but stopped practicing professionally about 7 years ago. Oils have never left my life and I continued using aromatherapy with my family and friends. In that time I've moved several times and have had another child. Now I am getting more of my time back, I am looking into starting up my Aromatherapy practice again.
I am happy to be drug free, I am happy to be able to keep a reasonable perspective on things, and I am happy for the chance to monitor my natural cycle and find things that work. Some days things are good, some days everything is too much, but I've given up on finding something to 'cure' me, I just want to find a way of life that fits with me instead.
For me, I have tried and tried the medication route, to no avail. If the Zoladex is anything to go by, having a hysterectomy wont help either, so as with eveything in my life, I have to do it a different way...
The Zoladex failed me miserably, and until February I was in a black black place. The urge to take my own life, the panic, the depression was all too much. My doctor, psychiatrist, and gynaecologist all wanted me off the Zoladex, and my psych put me on Lithium. It took a while for the Zoladex to wear off and longer for my cycle to resume. I asked if I could try a different injection. Decapeptyl has a much lower chance of triggering psychiatric problems, but my gynaecologist refused.
The lithium zapped every ounce of energy, and I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I was feeling the SAD waning, but the lithium kept me in a lethargic state. Everything became too much as it was so hard to even move. My body felt like lead. The mood swings were still there, but I seemed to get even less up time than before. In April I started coming off the lithium and have tried some homeopathic remedies prescribed by my doctor.
I stopped the lithium completely by the end of May, and I feel much more in control. I have my energy back, which still isnt great, but I can just about get done what I need to get done. I am trying to re-focus my life and find a way to bring in a source of income in the future. My kids are both at school, and I have to find something to do during the day. Too much time to think and wind myself up is a nightmare, but too much to do and I end up exhausted.
I qualified as an Aromatherapist 10 years ago, but stopped practicing professionally about 7 years ago. Oils have never left my life and I continued using aromatherapy with my family and friends. In that time I've moved several times and have had another child. Now I am getting more of my time back, I am looking into starting up my Aromatherapy practice again.
I am happy to be drug free, I am happy to be able to keep a reasonable perspective on things, and I am happy for the chance to monitor my natural cycle and find things that work. Some days things are good, some days everything is too much, but I've given up on finding something to 'cure' me, I just want to find a way of life that fits with me instead.
For me, I have tried and tried the medication route, to no avail. If the Zoladex is anything to go by, having a hysterectomy wont help either, so as with eveything in my life, I have to do it a different way...
Monday, 18 January 2010
Week 9/10
Had my 3rd Zoladex injection last Monday. I enjoyed a week of feeling better but then, crashed again.
My libido has completely disappeared. I keep getting severe headaches in the evenings, and still get the occasional hot flush, but they have calmed down over the weeks. My appetite is still on or off, as is sleep.
I feel like it's still too hard to tell if this is working for me. I spoke to my gynaecologist. Her plan was to stop the zoladex after 3 injections, to see what happens. I already know what will happen. I will go mental again, my family and friends will suffer a whole batch of crazy moods, and my life will stop again... although, life in the injection isn't a huge amount better. I certainly cant make a decision to have surgery based on what I've experienced so far.
My doc wants me to see him in the morning, to discuss anti-depressants. I spent so long on them before, and felt so much better when I was off them. I really dont want to take anything else. Zoladex for the hormones, painkillers for the headaches, and possibly HRT if I stay on the injections for longer than 3 months. I was a raving alternative, natural therapies kinda girl, and now I find my self, having to live a life full of serious chemicals.
Zoladex is a chemotherapy drug, used to reduce the size of fibroids, tumors and cancerous tissue, in breast cancer and prostrate cancer. I can tell you 10 years ago, I wouldn't have ever considered it.
The overwhelming feelings, when dealing with all this in my head makes me panic. I want to run away. I want to get in the car and drive and drive. I dont want to have to have responsibility for my kids, for the bills, for shopping and cooking. I just want to go away and hopefully come back well. The reality is, I get so suicidal, my thoughts take over. All day (in my head) I'm shown options, ways of ending it, ways of escaping, only then, my mind shows me the results of my actions. It tortures me with my childrens pain. I know only too well what is like growing up without a Mother.
It's like my own worst enemy lives inside my head, constantly reminding me how terrible I am, how I will never be able to cope, never find peace, a balance, or happy medium.
Will I ever have a job? and just earn and live like other people? or study? Will I ever be able to concentrate on anything? Will I ever love myself enough to get new clothes, feel good about me, look after myself, feel comfortable in my body, as me?
I'm so tired of this. Tired of the fight to make it to the end of the day, and the next and the next.
No-one has an answer, everything is trial and error, I dont fit in any boxes, and every day, week and moth that passes, I'm getting older, and older, and achieving less and less.
I just want this nightmare to end. :(
My libido has completely disappeared. I keep getting severe headaches in the evenings, and still get the occasional hot flush, but they have calmed down over the weeks. My appetite is still on or off, as is sleep.
I feel like it's still too hard to tell if this is working for me. I spoke to my gynaecologist. Her plan was to stop the zoladex after 3 injections, to see what happens. I already know what will happen. I will go mental again, my family and friends will suffer a whole batch of crazy moods, and my life will stop again... although, life in the injection isn't a huge amount better. I certainly cant make a decision to have surgery based on what I've experienced so far.
My doc wants me to see him in the morning, to discuss anti-depressants. I spent so long on them before, and felt so much better when I was off them. I really dont want to take anything else. Zoladex for the hormones, painkillers for the headaches, and possibly HRT if I stay on the injections for longer than 3 months. I was a raving alternative, natural therapies kinda girl, and now I find my self, having to live a life full of serious chemicals.
Zoladex is a chemotherapy drug, used to reduce the size of fibroids, tumors and cancerous tissue, in breast cancer and prostrate cancer. I can tell you 10 years ago, I wouldn't have ever considered it.
The overwhelming feelings, when dealing with all this in my head makes me panic. I want to run away. I want to get in the car and drive and drive. I dont want to have to have responsibility for my kids, for the bills, for shopping and cooking. I just want to go away and hopefully come back well. The reality is, I get so suicidal, my thoughts take over. All day (in my head) I'm shown options, ways of ending it, ways of escaping, only then, my mind shows me the results of my actions. It tortures me with my childrens pain. I know only too well what is like growing up without a Mother.
It's like my own worst enemy lives inside my head, constantly reminding me how terrible I am, how I will never be able to cope, never find peace, a balance, or happy medium.
Will I ever have a job? and just earn and live like other people? or study? Will I ever be able to concentrate on anything? Will I ever love myself enough to get new clothes, feel good about me, look after myself, feel comfortable in my body, as me?
I'm so tired of this. Tired of the fight to make it to the end of the day, and the next and the next.
No-one has an answer, everything is trial and error, I dont fit in any boxes, and every day, week and moth that passes, I'm getting older, and older, and achieving less and less.
I just want this nightmare to end. :(
Thursday, 31 December 2009
The Flip side
Yesterday I woke up and things were different. Like waking up after a storm at sea and realising everything is calm again. I am always a bit shaky to begin with... is it really over? but as the day progressed, I felt much better. I visited a friend, and just doing normal stuff like chatting over a cuppa helped enormously. I cook a meal, which is always a sign of me feeling better, and had a chilled evening, even finding time to set up a group for me and my women friends to chat in private. It's something i've craved for a long time, a forum just to chat to other mums, get support, ask advice. It really does help. Plus I got time on my hands right now. It helps to have something to do.
I also organised New Years Eve. Which to be honest, had been heading to disaster. I hate laying in bed before midnight, only to get woken up by people having fun! So, we have VIP tickets to watch Avatar 3D, and I am very excited.
Today my lifted mood continued, and I have been feeling the urge to create and draw/paint again. I have the whole weekend without kids, so I think I will indulge myself, especially as the weather is forecast to be cold, wet and gloomy.
I am under strict orders from a professional (Thanks Matthew!) to do as little as possible till the 3rd January, and I'm going to be a good girl!
I love me like this! I want it to last!
Happy New Year!!
I also organised New Years Eve. Which to be honest, had been heading to disaster. I hate laying in bed before midnight, only to get woken up by people having fun! So, we have VIP tickets to watch Avatar 3D, and I am very excited.
Today my lifted mood continued, and I have been feeling the urge to create and draw/paint again. I have the whole weekend without kids, so I think I will indulge myself, especially as the weather is forecast to be cold, wet and gloomy.
I am under strict orders from a professional (Thanks Matthew!) to do as little as possible till the 3rd January, and I'm going to be a good girl!
I love me like this! I want it to last!
Happy New Year!!
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
6 weeks
I'm now 6 weeks into the Zoladex treatment. The first month was hell on earth, and I want to say that everything is great, but it isnt...
The second injection brought around 7 days of feeling better, then, the day before Christmas eve, I crashed again.
I cant tell if this is just the injection, or things are worse due to the time of year, but I am still wondering how I will survive it all. I had been pretty organised, and was trying to avoid the fact that my kids wouldnt be with me for Christmas day, but I couldnt avoid it, there it was plain and simple. After everything we'd been through this year, my family was all split up again.
My Christmas has been awful. Thats not to say that anyone around me is at fault, because as usual I am quite capable of messing everything up. Thankfully, my partner is still with me, and I cant even begin to describe how much he has helped and changed my life.
Right now, I'm in a very weird place. I'm still crying at the drop of a hat. The hot flushes at night are horrible, and so is the insomnia. I'm no mother to my children, especially my eldest. I still feel useless and trapped in this nightmare. There is no route to take, apart from just hang on for the ride. The suicidal thoughts are back, the voices in my head telling me how rubbish I am and how much I'm affecting my children etc, is just getting louder. I should be writing down how many times a day I am thinking of leaving this world... mainly through pure frustration and the feeling that this will never go away, but I know, in my heart, that to even consider suicide once in your lifetime is bad enough, let alone fight the demons on a daily basis.
I have very few friends. Lets face it... who would want me in their lives? and at the moment, I cant even talk to them, let alone see them. If I could go away, from my prison of a house, from the sleepy village, I would. I constantly wish I could just get on a plane to India, go away and come back all healed and sorted with plans for the future. I dont see a future right now... just days and days of endless crying, pain, frustration and self destruction. I actually woke up the other morning, thinking I should beg the doctor to put me in a nuthouse. Maybe I'd get the counselling and care I need there?? It's too much for my family and friends.
When I look at my life (as someone who is suicidal usually does a lot) I'm so saddened that it has come to this. Even 12 months ago, my health was bad, but I had a social life, I had fun.. I met my man. Now there is nothing. My man is still there, but my life is a shell. Everything has gone. I know that spiritually it may just be a total overhaul, but I'm so scared. I have no idea where my place is in this world. All my aspirations seem impossible, even down to being a good mum.
So yet again, I'm pouring my heart out at 3am to a computer. I tried sleeping, but the flushes are too much, and every one is a reminder of what I'm doing to my body, of what I'm trying to stop.
2 weeks till next injection and my appointment with the Gynae at the hospital. It all seems pointless, and I feel more out of control than ever.
Spiritually speaking, I must have done something very bad in a past life to deserve all this now. When I was a teen, I actually believed I was cursed... What is it all for? What lessons am I supposed to learn? where is the positive in this? I get so disillusioned with spirituality, religion. After a very near suicide attempt a few years ago, my Aunt, who is a born again Christian, took me to see her Pastors wife. She was a counsellor and my Aunt thought she might be able to help. Believe me, for a witch/pagan to even indulge this option was a big deal. Desperate? Oh yeah...
Well, she told me that my illness had been caused by 'dabbling' in the occult. By praying to the feminine Goddess, I had ended up with an illness that only a woman can suffer from. My only cure would be to ask for Gods forgiveness and come to her Christian group every week. She would only help me if I went to church. There's Christianity for you. I walked out in disbelief. I'd love to see my doctors face if I told him this was caused by lighting candles at full moons and attending pagan rituals.
Tomorrow is lurking. I hate this limbo land between Yule and New Year. I was going to spend New Year with my partner and both my girls, but yet again, I'm at the bottom of the priority list, so I dont have my youngest here. Another non-event. I was so hoping to be well by now. Time feels like it's ticking away so quickly, and I have done nothing with my life.
The second injection brought around 7 days of feeling better, then, the day before Christmas eve, I crashed again.
I cant tell if this is just the injection, or things are worse due to the time of year, but I am still wondering how I will survive it all. I had been pretty organised, and was trying to avoid the fact that my kids wouldnt be with me for Christmas day, but I couldnt avoid it, there it was plain and simple. After everything we'd been through this year, my family was all split up again.
My Christmas has been awful. Thats not to say that anyone around me is at fault, because as usual I am quite capable of messing everything up. Thankfully, my partner is still with me, and I cant even begin to describe how much he has helped and changed my life.
Right now, I'm in a very weird place. I'm still crying at the drop of a hat. The hot flushes at night are horrible, and so is the insomnia. I'm no mother to my children, especially my eldest. I still feel useless and trapped in this nightmare. There is no route to take, apart from just hang on for the ride. The suicidal thoughts are back, the voices in my head telling me how rubbish I am and how much I'm affecting my children etc, is just getting louder. I should be writing down how many times a day I am thinking of leaving this world... mainly through pure frustration and the feeling that this will never go away, but I know, in my heart, that to even consider suicide once in your lifetime is bad enough, let alone fight the demons on a daily basis.
I have very few friends. Lets face it... who would want me in their lives? and at the moment, I cant even talk to them, let alone see them. If I could go away, from my prison of a house, from the sleepy village, I would. I constantly wish I could just get on a plane to India, go away and come back all healed and sorted with plans for the future. I dont see a future right now... just days and days of endless crying, pain, frustration and self destruction. I actually woke up the other morning, thinking I should beg the doctor to put me in a nuthouse. Maybe I'd get the counselling and care I need there?? It's too much for my family and friends.
When I look at my life (as someone who is suicidal usually does a lot) I'm so saddened that it has come to this. Even 12 months ago, my health was bad, but I had a social life, I had fun.. I met my man. Now there is nothing. My man is still there, but my life is a shell. Everything has gone. I know that spiritually it may just be a total overhaul, but I'm so scared. I have no idea where my place is in this world. All my aspirations seem impossible, even down to being a good mum.
So yet again, I'm pouring my heart out at 3am to a computer. I tried sleeping, but the flushes are too much, and every one is a reminder of what I'm doing to my body, of what I'm trying to stop.
2 weeks till next injection and my appointment with the Gynae at the hospital. It all seems pointless, and I feel more out of control than ever.
Spiritually speaking, I must have done something very bad in a past life to deserve all this now. When I was a teen, I actually believed I was cursed... What is it all for? What lessons am I supposed to learn? where is the positive in this? I get so disillusioned with spirituality, religion. After a very near suicide attempt a few years ago, my Aunt, who is a born again Christian, took me to see her Pastors wife. She was a counsellor and my Aunt thought she might be able to help. Believe me, for a witch/pagan to even indulge this option was a big deal. Desperate? Oh yeah...
Well, she told me that my illness had been caused by 'dabbling' in the occult. By praying to the feminine Goddess, I had ended up with an illness that only a woman can suffer from. My only cure would be to ask for Gods forgiveness and come to her Christian group every week. She would only help me if I went to church. There's Christianity for you. I walked out in disbelief. I'd love to see my doctors face if I told him this was caused by lighting candles at full moons and attending pagan rituals.
Tomorrow is lurking. I hate this limbo land between Yule and New Year. I was going to spend New Year with my partner and both my girls, but yet again, I'm at the bottom of the priority list, so I dont have my youngest here. Another non-event. I was so hoping to be well by now. Time feels like it's ticking away so quickly, and I have done nothing with my life.
Thursday, 10 December 2009
24 days
24 days since my injection. I would love to say I'm feeling amazing, but it's far, far from that.
I'm finding it very hard to keep it together. My depression is worse. Add in a pinch of re-occuring red rage, that makes me want to smash everything in sight, and an ocean full of tears, and you have the past couple of weeks.
I am so low, I cant see the point in it anymore.
I have to have my second injection on monday. Talk about a rock and a hard place. If I stopped the Zoladex, I would go straight back to the way things were before. If I stay on it, I will get to see if this will work. The time between that however, is pretty shit. When I'm not wanting to smash things, break stuff, slam doors, punch walls or scratch myself, I'm trying to think of ways to leave. Ways to leave it all behind. Run away? suicide? drugs? I'm tearful all the time and cry at the drop of a hat. What happens if this doesnt work? what then?
It's 3.30am, and I went to bed at 11pm. I then spent 2 hours going boiling hot and then cold. Duvet on, duvet off. I felt the anger rising and just wanted to break something. Then I thought about getting in the car and just driving away. Trouble is, no matter what I do or where I go, I'm still messed up me. So, no point in going to bed, no point in waking up. All the things that once may have cheered me up no longer work. I'm losing sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, and think that maybe I should just stay in the tunnel and never come out.
I havent left the house much in 3 weeks. Issues about my weight, just add to my insecurity. I have had the most horrible spots break out all over my face, and a severe headache almost everyday.
My head cant deal with a menopause at 32. I cant deal with this. I just dont know what to do.....
I'm finding it very hard to keep it together. My depression is worse. Add in a pinch of re-occuring red rage, that makes me want to smash everything in sight, and an ocean full of tears, and you have the past couple of weeks.
I am so low, I cant see the point in it anymore.
I have to have my second injection on monday. Talk about a rock and a hard place. If I stopped the Zoladex, I would go straight back to the way things were before. If I stay on it, I will get to see if this will work. The time between that however, is pretty shit. When I'm not wanting to smash things, break stuff, slam doors, punch walls or scratch myself, I'm trying to think of ways to leave. Ways to leave it all behind. Run away? suicide? drugs? I'm tearful all the time and cry at the drop of a hat. What happens if this doesnt work? what then?
It's 3.30am, and I went to bed at 11pm. I then spent 2 hours going boiling hot and then cold. Duvet on, duvet off. I felt the anger rising and just wanted to break something. Then I thought about getting in the car and just driving away. Trouble is, no matter what I do or where I go, I'm still messed up me. So, no point in going to bed, no point in waking up. All the things that once may have cheered me up no longer work. I'm losing sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, and think that maybe I should just stay in the tunnel and never come out.
I havent left the house much in 3 weeks. Issues about my weight, just add to my insecurity. I have had the most horrible spots break out all over my face, and a severe headache almost everyday.
My head cant deal with a menopause at 32. I cant deal with this. I just dont know what to do.....
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
8 days in
I had the zoladex injection 8 days ago,
The first day was ok, but then my energy levels dropped to the floor and I've spent much of a week sleeping and feeling really flat. So much in my head that has added to the tearfulness. I'm feeling pretty useless at the moment. I've got lots of help, so I've really been able to take it easy. I know I cant judge anything till i've had 3 months worth, but riding out the symptoms is tough.
I felt better today, but by tea time, the tiredness set in and I slept for 3 hours. On sunday, I slept the whole day away.
My appetite also checked out. I barely ate anything for 2 days. Have eaten more today, but am still not too fussed about food. I've hardly seen the kids, as I'm always sleeping.
I really want to write more, but the words dont come. maybe I'll try tomorrow.
The first day was ok, but then my energy levels dropped to the floor and I've spent much of a week sleeping and feeling really flat. So much in my head that has added to the tearfulness. I'm feeling pretty useless at the moment. I've got lots of help, so I've really been able to take it easy. I know I cant judge anything till i've had 3 months worth, but riding out the symptoms is tough.
I felt better today, but by tea time, the tiredness set in and I slept for 3 hours. On sunday, I slept the whole day away.
My appetite also checked out. I barely ate anything for 2 days. Have eaten more today, but am still not too fussed about food. I've hardly seen the kids, as I'm always sleeping.
I really want to write more, but the words dont come. maybe I'll try tomorrow.
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