Conversations with Fae #1

'Mum, can I have something to eat?'

'Yes, Fae, I'm going to make you some crumpets'

'Trumpets? Trumpets? I love trumpets... I cant play the trumpet, but I'm good on the clarinet!'

Love her..... :)

Shooting yourself in the foot.

 I'm so gutted.

Over the past couple of weeks I've been holding together, focussing on my Reflexology studies and trying to keep on top of it.  It's great to have a focus, and my days are more structured now, as I have to get homework ready every week.
The other project I was working on was some volunteer work.  The plan was to offer my therapist services to a charity organisation that helps women.  It offers support, friendship, activities and therapies to women who are struggling to cope with life, family, kids, domestic abuse, drugs...
I went along earlier this year, but I barely used the services, as I find it hard to go along to things, and I was in a pretty bad place at the beginning of this year.  It was nice to know it was there if I needed it, and I met my art therapist there every week, although that wasnt arranged through the centre.
I now find myself in an impossible situation.  They would love to have me as a therapist there, but they cant allow me to volunteer as I have recently 'used' the service.  This means that I cannot volunteer for the next 2 years with them.  How ridiculous.  Does no-one understand that some people heal and get better in different ways?  Being in need does me no good, I feel like it keeps me in that place, it keeps me believing that I cant get out there like everyone else and do something great.  If I take on the role of the therapist, my stuff is immediately abandoned and I focus on the client.  I feel empowered, I can give good advice, I can listen and share...  TWO YEARS... I may not even be living here in 2 years time.  That doesnt even give me a chance of volunteering with them in the future.  I'm hoping that in 2 years I'll be working part time, earning and supporting my family, keeping busy to keep my head in check.  I need volunteer work NOW! to prepare for the next few years.
The organisation even checked with management.  I am so angry.   I only met 2 other service users, and only attended twice, and that ruins my plans to help, to offer free or low cost aromatherapy and reflexology to other ladies who probably really need it.  Right now, I wish I never set foot through their doors, I wish I never asked for help, cos it's really messed up my plan for getting well.
I am wobbling a bit today.  Ovulation is due on friday, but I have had really painful cramps for the past few days.  I've booked in with the doc as I dont understand why I am getting such bad cramps after my period has ended and quite a few days away from ovulation.
There are other options I can try.  Other organisations that may want my services, but I really wanted to help this one, as it specifically helps women just like me!  well, it did... it doesnt anymore.

Completely and unintentionally shot myself in the foot and feel really let down... :(

Christmas is coming...

I'm beginning to dread it already.  It just makes me sad and highlights everything that I dont have, and brings up bad memories from the past.
All the adverts about parties and family... getting dressed up and going out, visiting family, fun, happiness...
Facebook is full of photo's of other people having fun.  Why dont I feel that excitement?

Feeling sorry for myself today.  I'm frustrated by my thoughts, no-one understands.  Oh.. look at all those lovely party clothes, make-up, shoes.... I dont get invited out.  I guess friends have given up asking.  Who would blame them?  I have had invites in the past, to various things, but there's been many times when I cant go.  Either moods, or fear has got in the way.  I've missed so much in the past, and it just seperates me from everyone else even more.  My social life is dead, and Christmas just rubs it in my face.

I dont have lots of family to visit, and they rarely visit me.  Some things are just too difficult.  It's hard to put my emotions aside when they make me feel physically sick, and my head cant think about much else than everything I'm missing out on.  I'm hoping this year will be better than previous ones, but how can I stop the feelings coming up.. how do I ignore them?   I cant relax at the moment, I'm stressy and moody and have an overwhelming feeling of sadness.  I'm angry with myself, frustrated, and I feel stupid.  Another weekend written off, and another one closer to Christmas.

I feel lonely.  A loner...  I never wanted my life to be like this.  I always wanted to have lots of friends, be part of something, go out and have fun, but it hasnt ended up like that, and the opportunities dont come anymore.
It's my own fault, and I do realise that, but it doesnt stop it hurting, and it doesnt stop me wishing life was a bit more exciting.  Study, kids, housework, bills, moods... and repeat, over, and over again. 

I'd happily go to sleep now and wake up at the end of February.

28 days...

New PMDD art!!

28 days...

Lighter later - Help fight S A D

Since the clocks went back, I have noticed a real change in my mood.  Ok, so it's always changing, but I feel like I'm constantly in a heightened state of stress.  I'm still managing on the homeopathic tablets, but since the clocks went back, I'm so much more narky than usual.  I am noticing it because I had got to quite a calm point with the kids, but for the past 2 or so weeks, I just cant handle them.  Stupid outbursts happen before I can even think about counting to 10 and dealing with them in a quiet manner.  It's a horrible feeling, almost like you are going to have a heart attack, or burst, or just run screaming from the house until you cant run any further.
I'm guessing a combination of less activity since I did my back in, the darker days and eves, and kids having to be in the house more are all taking thier toll.
I signed up to support the Lighter Later Campaign.  I also found out if my MP was supporting the campaign, and was pleased to see he was! so I wrote to thank him, and am avidly waiting the outcome of December 3rd's meeting.  100 MP's need to vote in favour of the movement for it to go to the next stage.
The plan is to change the clocks to GMT+1 in winter and GMT+2 in summer.  This would mean we would have migh lighter evenings, in winter and in summer, and there are a whole list of other benefits, including a massive yearly reduction in CO2 emissions, safer evenings for our children and more time for businesses to stay open.  You can find the list of benefits here.
It takes a minute to register your support, and about 5 mins to mail your MP from the website.
Britain isnt unfamiliar with this idea, during the war, we all changed our clocks to GMT+1 in winter and GMT+2 in summer, to give us more time to work, grow our own food, and help protect us from nighttime attacks.  It makes sense, but people have tried to get the clocks changed this way before and have failed many times.  Eight attempts have been made since 1994, and everytime they have ben 'talked out', which means they have discussed it so much they have run out of time to make a desicion.
This time, SHOW YOUR SUPPORT!! it makes sense to change our clocks to make the most of natural daylight, so please go and register your support and spread the word.

Mad week

So this week turned out to be a bit crazy!  After the article came out, I had journalists on my case.  There are a couple of agencies out there who want to help me take my story to national women's magazines or papers.
With this week being one of my 'difficult' ones, it really did my head in.  Too many questions, pressure and a sense of urgency that wasnt really needed made my head spin.  I didnt get the college work finished that I wanted to, and I've been a bit more stressed out with the girls than usual.

I've had more ideas for art work, and even managed to complete a new piece.  It really helped to get my mind off everything else.  Simple, and some may say silly, but you'll have to wait and see!!
I was inspired last weekend when my boyfriend and I visited Southampton Art Gallery.  We saw the Bridget Riley exhibition.  It was amazing.  I remember looking at her work in college, but to see it for real, and to learn more about her was inspiring.  It's right up my street too!  Colour, how it makes you feel, how it works next to other colours, contrasts and movement.  Portraying the natural world in it's basic forms of colour and vibrations.  I have had some really good ideas for more artwork, and might even go back and see the exhibition again while it's there.  I'm always looking for ideas and imagery that helps me to convey the emotions of PMDD, and I have some plans to do some paintings that focus on the colour red.  Red rage, seeing red, menstruation, anger, warning, danger, blood, life, fire...  all key things that come to mind when I think about my PMDD.... watch this space!!

Extreme PMT made me violent and suicidal

My story came out today in the local paper.  I am happy with it.  I don't like the picture much, I look tired and my face looks puffy... but I guess thats a good representation of what PMDD does to you.  I also had a huge spot on my face which has been there for 6 weeks now!  Thats just not right.. damn you hormones!

There has been lots of good feedback, and I've been contacted for another story, so maybe this is the start of something.  It would be great to be able to raise more awareness about the condition and help other women.  getting it recognised by doctors would be a start.  A lady on the PMDD Community forum said her doctor said "PMDD isnt a condition here"  (meaning the UK) but they do recognise severe PMS...  Oh my days...

What I do know is there are only a handful of people (specialists) in the UK, and you gotta be very wealthy or prepared to take out huge loans to get thier help.  Doctors dont know what to do, and if they dont believe it exists, what hope has anyone suffering from PMDD?