I'm standing barefoot, I can feel the grass under my feet. My toes are curled over the edge, another few inches and I'd be teetering.
The 'edge' is a desperate, consuming place where I feel that this is it. Sometimes I've walked towards it throughout the day, others I've woken up & I'm right there staring oblivion in the eye.
In my mind, the 'edge' is for arguments sake 'Beachy Head'. Throughout my day, its my background, it's always there. I can see, feel, hear it.
On the good days, it's sunny, warm, waves lap at the shore. On the darkest days, it's oh so black, cold & unforgiving. But the difference is, is that it's not my background, it's my here and now.
I stand on that 'edge' staring not at rough seas & blackened sky, but at an abyss of nothing and I can feel oblivion pulling me in. I don't want to be consummed by it, but sometimes I don't have the strength to walk or even crawl away. I've never been pulled in, I've come very close to losing my footing but somehow, something, someone has pulled me back.
I never stand on the 'edge' when the sun's shining & twinkling on the water, because I'm having a better time over there with family, friends, my life.
I'm managing oblivion, I'm repelling it & living my life, those days are the good ones.
The 'edge' is my background, somewhere where I don't want to go.
Today is not an 'edge' day. Today is the beginning of making me strong, resiliant, worthy of more than oblivion.
Caroline.
West Sussex, UK
2 comments:
"Imagine a country where the history of your people is told twice: once by your family and community, then again by your school and society."
As a working class pakeha, this is the country I live in.
My family and community tells a struggle of resistance against capitalism and working class solidarity. My school and society tells a story of lazy bludgers who deserve to be poor.
ALOKA UST-5546
Thank you Caroline for this. I feel you girl!
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